Day 291: Resistance and writing no matter what

Lately I have had a lot of resistance to writing and it has accumulated over time to the point where I had found it very difficult to even just sit down and write again. From some of the progress I have made through writing in the past, I can see that I have set a kind of standard for myself that is very high – in terms of the quality of my insights and the way they are articulated – to the point where writing as a mere self support tool, where I am still ranting and raving about things and getting to know myself, has been left by the wayside. It is a constant challenge in process because as long as we are in process, we should be humbled, and that is a difficult thing for the mind as ego to accept – it latches onto even this point of trying to change myself for the better to make it some kind of personal competition.

One of the biggest resistances I have had to writing in my process is the point of giving up stimulation – moments that I feel like they are my own, where I can do what I want and be selfish and just do things which I believe pleasure me. This resistance to give up these moments becomes extra difficult with process because within process, I am facing myself – there is nowhere to run and hide and I have to actually face and direct that which I am dealing with on a daily basis – effectively! Sometimes the day can seem so tough, the reactions can seem so vivid that the last thing I feel like doing is writing about them. Within living in a way which is reactionary, I am a slave to my reactions and have this experience of being a slave, of having to do all kinds of things in my daily life which I don’t want to do – but it is not really about doing those things, it is about who I am within doing those things, as a reactive being.

I can also see how experiences wherein I used the ego to ‘hype’ the idea of changing/becoming better has deterred me, where I followed a pattern of getting motivated, having that energy fade when things get difficult or I fall or miss a point, and then from that failure, being disappointed and discouraged, and not persevering through this experience, but rather, turning towards the positive – old habits of ‘positive stimulation’ which are really just coping mechanisms and escapes. I have failed to neglect and employ the real positive of getting down to supporting myself as necessary. Resistance is a point that it seems I will be dealing with for quite a long time, so it is best to get to know this point intimately.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully investigate the point of basic resistance, within the belief that old coping systems will suffice and that I can postpone facing the inevitability of having to stand, walk and support myself in actions

I commit myself to investigate the basic point of resistance as I experience without shame, self judgment and expectations of myself, but rather to simply walk the point as a way of supporting myself through getting to know myself, in all it’s detail

I commit myself to daily writing no matter what – without any preconceived ideas or expectations – but simply as a self expression, here alone as unconditional self support

Day 291: Self Forgiveness from March 27, 2014

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a ‘picture-perfect’ ideal of a woman will satisfy me and make me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to possess beauty and to treat beauty like a commodity to be attained

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘what I want’ in a woman based on the selfish desire to have power, control and commodities, and not based in what will support me to be the best man I can be as a man who cares for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so controlled by my selfish desire for a good life and the fear of failure that I will just look for nice things that make me feel happy and forget about others and only consider myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear another person, like for example my partner in my relationship, becoming selfish and controlled by their own desire for happiness and success and will forget me in this process – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to understand that my fear of another person doing this to me is in fact a fear about myself doing it to others, and that the only way to stop this fear is to ‘treat others how I want others to treat me’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate sexual desires with people who present images of beauty

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by images of ‘beautiful people’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that when I make beauty into a commodity that I desire, I will want to experience this beauty because I fear loss, I fear to not be loved and I fear to be alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and to fear not being loved by another

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not love myself, I can not love another and that if I desire to have love from others because I do not love myself, I will be weak because I my want for love will be more important than others and my need for love will stop me from loving myself and others

Day 285: Self support when reacting to another

So today I had a negative reaction to another person in my world, for points that I observed about them that I consider to be not cool and problematic. What is interesting about observation, is that we as humans tend to project ourselves onto that which we are observing. What is even more interesting is that every human being tends to exist the same way in essence, so it can be rather confusing because: here I am in a situation where what I may be observing in another is real: yet if I am reacting to it, my reaction is not real, but rather a projection of myself of how I am actually existing within and as the same point – that is why we tend to react to others by judging and blaming them, rather than having the self directive principle through insight and understanding to be able to assist, support and direct them. So it is always important to take the point back to self, which requires the application of self honesty – identify what it is that self is reacting to, and look for where self may be living out the same points. Once this is done and self is no longer accepting and allowing self to participate in the same points, then it is possible to assist, support and direct another with effectiveness to also stop the same points for themselves. From writing in my journal about today’s experience of reacting to another, I have identified the following points, which pertain to blogs I have been writing recently which have been oriented around the tendency to want to be accepted by others and seen/viewed a particular way where I please others, within a starting point of fear and survival. Here are the points I identified in today’s writing:

Ok, so I have to clarify these points that I am reacting to: the desire to be attractive and be perceived by others as being attractive. The desire to get attention from others and have a nice experience with others. The tendency to use relationship experiences with others as a way of stagnating myself, where my starting point in interaction with others is not specific, direct or self expression, but rather just ‘looking for a good time’, and through creating the experience of ‘just having a good time’, I am drugging myself with distractions and laziness that keeps me from self movement and truly being effective with my time – additional to this, is also the point of not just moving myself because I have to, but developing that point of specificity in moment to moment management wherein each moment accumulates to a point that is practical – I mean, I have things to take care of, sort out, and get done in my time here on earth, and I have to be self honest about assessing whether or not my actions in every moment are conducive to those goals, or not.

Got to get to sleep – will continue this in the next post.

Day 253: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Today I am writing about self righteousness, as I am noticing it’s outflows in various forms. It is a form of blame, and tends to be experience as like a ‘wtf’ kind of reaction towards others, when I am seeing a point that is fucked, and yet I am reacting to the point because of how it somehow relates to me, where I am somehow living the same point without necessarily realizing it – it is only when it is presented in another, perhaps in a different form, that it becomes obvious because it is not me, it does not have the exact same look and feel as my own shit, but it is the same in essence.

Now it is obviously pointless to live this way because I mean, sure, the whole world is fucked, people are fucked beyond belief, but if we live in judgment and blame, we are literally never going to get anything accomplished in terms of affecting any real change. It is simply not effective to judge and blame others for who they are as what they have become and believe themselves to be, when I have not taken responsibility for my own self as what I have become and who I believe myself to be.

As long as I am reacting – I am ineffective in directing a point, as it shows that I have not yet cleared/directed myself effectively. As long as I am looking to make a point or prove a point, I know that I have abdicated my self-responsibility to such a level that I am actually going out and trying to change the point in others as a form of self righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so accustomed to blaming and judging others, within the desire to be special/better than others, within the fear and pursuit of survival, that I have actually created a character of self righteousness that will focus on the mistakes others are making, without first actually implicating myself and looking at where I have made/am making mistakes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the experience of reacting to others, not take the point back to self and write myself so that I can see how I created this experience for myself, how the negative experience started out as a positive one, based in desire and positive energy as a form of delusion/escapism from reality, and that I have allowed myself to act on such reactions, believing them to be real in self righteousness, rather than sorting myself out, and not being satisfied to move on and speak with others/direct others until I am %100 clear and have directed the point – as until this is done, I am only speaking to my own detriment and the detriment of others 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the experience of judgment and blame in thought to be real – and that I have not fully embraced my reaction as reflection of myself, being strict in stopping my experience and immediately working it out until I am clear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let greed/wants/desires, to not have to change, to be special, to live a life or unequal privilege, sabotage me into wanting to blame others and be superior, while not in fact taking self responsibility for who I am, to rather in this way create a self/world that is best for all life 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself judging/blaming others, to immediately stop and not give any power/attention thought to more judgment blame, as I see, realize and understand that any and all reactions are in fact about me, and thus to even be effective in directing others and sorting out this shitty experience of judgment/blame, I commit myself to immediately look at my reactions, breathe, and work them out through self writing, taking a moment to step outside of myself and look at how it all started, to write about how I feel as being about me, and not an actual reflection of what I am experiencing of others, committing myself to do this until I am sorted out and clear, and not making any excuses to stop myself or avoid/not take self responsibility as sorting myself out

Thus I commit myself to never again speak out of reaction, or act out of reaction, but to rather give myself the patience, and give to myself/others the support and understanding necessary by always working shit out before I continue to react or act on such reactions or believe them to be real in any way – thus I commit myself to never give power/attention to what others are doing as a form of blame, as all are equally responsible and that which we are angry about/fear in others, we are the same in essence, and thus from this perspective it does not matter what others do, but rather who self is and what self does, because only by supporting self and taking self responsibility on the point for/as self, is one able to then direct others at a physical level in self honesty and common sense

Day 252: Giving to receive

Today I was quite irritated. It was not a nice experience. Fucked up my whole day and made it difficult to concentrate on work. I retraced by steps and tried to see how it all started – drawing from both recent memory/experiences and also long term memory/experiences from things that happened to me way back in my life which have had an effect on the person I am today and how I view things.

The irritation was based on a point of feeling ‘unfulfilled’ – like I just was not satisfied. But it had to do with the behavior of another, where I had blamed another for this experience of being unsatisfied. When in fact it was me who created this experience through desiring to have a particular kind of experience with this person in the first place, by having certain expectations and desires about this person and my experience with them. Wanting to experience something positive. It is fascinating how through our desire to create a positive experience, we actually create the exact opposite – or maybe we do create the positive experience for a time, but then set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment through setting this experience as the new standard which we then impose and expect to be met, and the expectation isn’t met. 

Not only this, but by living in such a way where we impose these expectations on others/our reality, we end up getting imposed on the same way. Eventually it just turns in a bunch of relationships where everyone is just using each other for the experience they want. When someone brings us this experience, we play favorites with them and then they are apparently the people that we like’ or ‘love’ and all of a sudden we have given this person an ‘added value’, where they are all of a sudden ‘special’ or ‘more important’ than other people – but it’s not hard to look around at our world and see how these ‘special’ relationships always end up: in disappointment, anger, bitterness and resentment. We then distance ourselves and try to avoid those people who do not bring us such an experience.

It does not make sense to live this way. What matters is to see past the current circumstance we live in, because this world is not an equal playing ground and thus we have driven by a systematized way of living of having ‘friends and enemies’ based on how people suit our wants, needs and desires. Is this really a fair way to regard others, given the fact that no one really has control over where they are born, what their conditions are and thus whether or not they are able to be ‘of worth’ to others or not?

Sometimes it is difficult to understand why others do not live up to our expectations, when it seems like such a simple thing to us to do so – but it is necessary to again recognize that this world is not an equal playing ground and thus while it might come of ease for some to be of greater service/value to others, it may be extremely difficult for others to be of such service/value based on the little value/service they were given in life.

Sometimes we forget our privilege and what comes naturally to us as ‘respect’ and ‘caring for others’ does not come as easily for some others. Living a life of value should thus be measure by what we are able to give to others – not what we are able to take – because those who are in a position to give receive the greatest reward and fulfillment that is beyond any kind of material reward or feeling of reward. Conversely, those who are limited in what they can give and do for others are those who suffer the most because it is only a reflection of what they have been given and thus even a reflection of what they give to themselves. 

The real mistake that I had made was giving to receive. Giving with the expectation that giving will always be equal in form – how can it be equal in form, when again, I am able to give more than others may be able to, due to the advantages I was born into in this life? Giving should thus not be measured in such a way. Giving should be unconditional. Giving should not be about having an expectation of some kind of return, even if the return is feeling good about ourselves for the fact that we gave – giving can only exist within the framework of our understanding and education, as a reflection of ourselves that we understand the very real circumstances which I have outlined, that plague and haunt our relationships and interactions. In other words, giving should only be the common sense recognition of sharing of ourselves that which is required to be shared to assist and support others where assistance and support is required. If we start splitting hairs about who gives more, or who we should give to and who not to give to, or which form of giving is right or wrong – we will never make any real progress, and rather still allow ourselves to be limited to and enslaved by the conditions that we are born into, which we have inherited from those who went before us.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give out of the desire to receive, to want to have a particular kind of positive energetic experience, and that I have allowed myself to disappoint myself through such a desire, in wanting/expecting a positive experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define giving within a moral context as ‘being right’ to give and quantify it as apparently, the more you give, the better you are – not taking into consideration that those who are able to give more are only able to do so because they are born into a world system where they are set up in such a way that they are always taking more, and never questioning the inequality and injustice that makes thiefs look good and charitable

We do this at a massive scale, for instance in western countries whose wealth is built on generations of abuse and manipulation, and then we come as saviors to the places who have been rendered destitute by such corruption

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that giving is simply a recognition of the reality of this world and that within such an understanding it may be necessary to support/direct/assist certain points, and that this is to in no way be defined by pre-existent conditions of identity/self definition

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have limited and defined giving/caring/support to certain forms that I express and within this, believing that if this exact same form/action is not reciprocated, that I am not being cared for/respected/supported/given to, not realizing that I am being self righteous in defining giving/caring/support to what which I am able to do, putting myself on a pedestal as being apparently superior 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to/support/care for others unconditionally, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play favorites with those who I support/give to through defining them as special, based on how much I believe they may be able to give to me

I commit myself to give unconditionally as a recognition of what is necessary to be done to assist/support others, in whatever form is necessary, and to whomever necessary – even and especially if it is me what requires to give to me, so that I can then be more effective in giving to/supporting others

I commit myself to stop giving only to receive as having secret desires to receive as my starting point to receive, and to stop creating expectations for myself to be fulfilled, which always lead to disappointment

When and as I see myself trying to create a positive experience with others – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand this tendency to give within a morality context of trying to make a ‘positive experience’ for myself and the other, and how this is will only lead to disappointment as the giving is still based in desire and self interest, under the guise of morality – and this I do not participate in my desire to create this kind of experience and give in this way, as it arises in my thoughts/feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/experiencing myself as if I am not being given to/cared for/loved/supported and thus experiencing a point of disappointment/anger/frustration – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how this is a reflection of how I have not in fact given of myself to myself and others, through acting from a starting point of desire, and how I have set myself up for this disappointment – and thus I do not allow/participate on such thoughts/feelings/emotions, but rather give myself the support through breath and writing to see why I am experiencing myself in such a way and what exactly it is that I have created as a desire for myself, and how I have sabotaged myself through giving from a starting point of wanting to take/receive

Day 247: Self-honesty takes real effort

Today, it took a moment to get to writing, as it often does, because I sort of draw a blank, not always remembering what I was experiencing in that particular day, or what is really going on with me. Using a thought diary is good for this and I recently bought one because I plan to get back into the habit of writing out my thoughts in the moment so I can see more clearly what I am working with at the end of my days.

I basically had to just sit down and write. Write my feelings in the moment, write out a bunch of fears and concerns and feelings and all kinds of shit, and I realized that I really had been resisting writing and looking at all this stuff – that’s what the whole point of ‘drawing a blank’ is, it is looking for ‘something to write about’ as an idea of the mind, projecting itself, rather than looking at the actual content of my mind as how I am experiencing it. It turned out to be all kinds of stuff, thoughts, feelings, emotions and desires that I had been having in very brief moments here and there throughout my day, which do have an accumulative effect, and I am sort of aware that I am having them in the moment, but stopping them in the moment is still something I am getting the hang of – just breathe breathe breathe, and then finally move on when the energy passes. 

The mind tends to want to follow up those thoughts and this is ultimately why I resisted something as simple as writing about how I feel and what I want – I fear to change myself as the fear of losing the illusion of myself. Self honesty is not something that comes naturally in this regard, because we have for so long spent our lives chasing these illusions and believing them to be real. It takes real effort to actually move oneself to sit down and look at oneself, self honestly, because even at times when we think we are being real with ourselves – we are not. It also takes time for these habits of following the mind to stop, and to implement the new pattern habit of not going there and breathing through the patterns. Sometimes I feel discouraged because it does take so much time, and not just so much time waiting, but so much time of consistent and constant application.

And yet every time I get a glimpse of what is really going on in this world, I feel ashamed that this is even a challenge for me, that I even allow myself to struggle with this, because those desires to live and exist in the mind are really nothing and frankly quite selfish when you look at the state this world is in the and the support that is required to be given.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to do the necessary ranting and raving in personal writing to be able to have an honest look at what it is that I am experiencing and work with what is here, giving myself the clarity, insight and stability to direct myself in self honesty and self trust

I commit myself to utilize ranting and raving, as well as a thought diary, to assist and support myself to see with clarity who I really am, and thus enabling myself as to how to best to support and direct myself in self honesty and self trust

When and as I see myself experiencing the resistance to right as not knowing what to right/not feeling like I can direct myself to write about something – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the tendency of the kind to want to hold onto old habits/patterns and not be self honest/look at who I am/what I am actually experiencing within myself – and thus I do not participate in this resonant experience as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these past patterns of resistance and rather direct myself here within/as breath to do the necessary ranting and raving/writing in the moment to be able to support myself and see who I really am and how I can correct myself to live in a way that is best for all life

Day 241: Real progress in a real process

 

It is important in this process to not get ‘too’ comfortable, because after all, process is about making progress, but we have this tendency to want to look back on our progress, give ourselves a pat on the back, and then use that feeling to justify stagnation. It is important to push oneself to be proactive and not pretend as if ‘everything is OK’ – no matter how many ways there may be which we can justify that. Within such a point, we are only fooling ourselves and consequence always comes.

It is important to understand: that which we accept and allow ourselves to be and do, is that which we accept and allow others to be and do – we are giving that permission simultaneously. That which we allow others to be and do is always then a reflection of what we accept and allow of ourselves. This is being show to us in our world, everyday, we just choose not to see it, and even if we are currently unable to see it, we tend to choose to never find out.

So it is important that this process equates to progress: real change, not just making our lives better for a moment as the quick fix we are so used to employ. It is important to make sure one’s application in process is really dealing with the pertinent points that require attention and real solutions, that it is self-directed. How much of our daily lives are actually self directed, and how much of it is just us doing the stuff we are accustomed to normally doing, or just doing/focusing on the things we like doing that make us feel nice – that is not self direction, that is dependency and influence.

The problem with getting out of this and getting real about self change is that it is something we have never actually done before, it feels alien, if you could even give it a feeling-name, I mean it is beyond feeling alien – we just don’t know until we do it. It seems impossible for this reason.

But did you know, that you can be the best support that you could ever get for yourself? Did you know, that it is really not so scary to let go of the dependency of other people and things to validate/recognize you? That it is not really so bad to let go of the idea that you need others to love you and give you attention to fulfill you? Not only is it not so bad – it is a relief. A relief from chasing after something that you can never get, and that never completely satisfies you anyway. Did you know that there is a point of fulfillment that is far beyond what we have ever defined as fulfillment? It is yourself – but only through self honesty and facing that which we have become and are currently living, can we move beyond it into a new existence where no fear and desire as personal weakness can ever exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be absolute in self direction due to the fear of loss that manifest itself as thought, each and every single time that I am facing the opportunity to apply myself and support myself

I commit myself to direct myself and work to ensure that I am taking on points in my process effectively and that this is my main priority, to ensure that actual progress is being made, and that I am not falling into the trapping of creating a pattern of actions that don’t equate to real self change, so that ever day truly is a new day, and every breath truly is well spent, and I am in fact becoming a better person  

Day 230: Correcting myself within a relationship

The following is an excerpt from my journal:

How do we change our relationship from a dependency to a support? If we do not do this, we will be damned.

I mean, do either of us want this experience of loneliness anymore? No. do either of us want this experience of not trusting each other anymore? No. I am not advocating a break up – I am advocating that we stick together and support each other in our own processes. We must not have secrets both with ourselves and with each other – and starting with ourselves first is what is important. I cannot ‘demand’ anything from her if she does not even understand what I mean, so certainly I have to make sure she understands where I am coming from and how this all works before I can even propose this, I mean she has to see the importance of this for herself in any case – as do I.

So it is important to not focus on her alone, and yet to not neglect the relationship and focus on myself alone – this will have to be done together, equal and one. We need to get to the bottom of why we are really in this relationship. To have a relationship where we actually grow and make each other stronger, we are going to have to ensure that there is trust and that trust is real. We have to ensure that it is about making each other stronger and not weaker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to have a successful relationship based on past experiences/memories – not taking into consideration that this belief is based on a past belief of what relationships are and who I must be within a relationship, because yes, within such assumptions a successful relationship is impossible – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see what is possible in a relationship when my starting point for a relationship is no longer self-interest/sex/greed, meaning to exist within the relationship without any desires or ulterior motives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my relationship and to exist within/have a relationship from the starting point of fear of loss as fear of not surviving: meaning to design a relationship purely from the starting point of trying to survive and make it in this world, to have financial and moral support and ‘someone in my corner’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’ in my relationships, meaning that I have not allowed myself to simply enjoy another when it is practical to do so, without any desire or dependency, so that we may unconditionally enjoy each other and allow ourselves to support each other to grow and be stronger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I fear about others is in fact that which I fear about myself – thus not realizing that it is important to take ALL points of fear back to self and support self to see how self is living such points and work effectively to stop it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become negative and paranoid within and as my own mind about other people apparently being bad or doing bad things, not realizing that I am projecting myself as past experiences and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to want to ‘jump the gun’ and end the relationship with the person or cut them out of my life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I stick to my process and continue to push myself to walk through tough points and change habits, creating myself anew: that there is nothing to fear in others as the actual fear of myself projected as I am in fact doing what I am able to as what is necessary to sort out myself and my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all relationships are a reflection and extension of myself and thus what really matters within all relationships is who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within my own life and thus from this perspective, it is impossible to try and control or influence others even if my intentions are best, and that the desire to control is only existent when I am not effectively self directive – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to in any way control my relationship or my partner or influence them or have them see things my way

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my relationship/believing that a successful relationship is impossible – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this kind of thinking/feeling is a resonant experience based on past memories of who I was and what I was attempting to create in relationships from a starting point of self-interest – and I do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts/feelings/emotions and simply remain here within/as breath

When and as I see myself fearing loss within my relationship/the experience of myself within a relationship – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear of loss is engrained through past experiences/memories and that I can only fear loss if I am lost and am not directing myself effectively and thus I stop the tendency to go looking outside of myself for solutions and simply face myself here in the moment, and work with who I am to ensure that I can never be lost and thus my relationships will not be lost along with myself – I work with what is here as me/who I am within relationships and stop the tendency/desire to go into the mind looking for solutions

I commit myself to stop making/basing decisions on what will best for the survival of the relationship within the starting point of living for my own survival, and to rather make decisions that are best for all to ensure that the relationship support us individually to be the best individuals that we can be so that we may give back to life

I commit myself to stop all fears of others and always bring the point of fearing something back to self so that I may correct the point within myself and effectively assist/support others within the same point

I commit myself to stop all paranoia and fear of others/fear of loss within my relationships and to simply unconditionally live and give as I see, realize and understand that if I stand/give unconditionally, then the outcome of all my relationships will inevitably be what is best for all life, no matter how that outcome comes about or how long it takes – I commit myself to trust myself in standing by the principles of equality and what is best for all life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective applications such as writing and breathing

I commit myself to work on myself daily in self writing and self corrective application to ensure that I will be the best that I can be and thus all my relationships will be the best they can be within the understanding that to bring about a change in others, I must stand alone and with resolve to support others in realizing themselves and standing up as well

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.

Day 226: Energy is a slippery slope – finding freedom in structure

Reflecting back on my day today I noticed how much more I probably could have done with it. I am finding it is crucial to challenge myself to live to my full potential, not waste time, and really make constructive use out of every moment that I am given here on earth. So what happened?

I let things slide. I did not put limits and boundaries on the fun I was having, the self interest I was indulging in. Self interest can work in self-honest moderation within the consideration/understanding of all life as equal to yourself, but given that we are raised to live the exact opposite of that, it is important to be careful on that point because it can really be taken too far quite easily. The main point is that I did not prioritize ‘what is best for all’ ahead of what I want. Even if those two points are in conflict with/contradictory to one another, it is only by putting what is best for all ahead of your self interest that would allow one the opportunity challenge their self interest.

So I didn’t, and before I knew it, the day flew by with all kinds of fuzzy nice experiences and warm feelings, but very little was accomplished in terms of positive  ACTIONS – that is the deceptive thing about positive feelings and positive thinking  – it is purely a mental experience, you are mental.

I should know this already, in fact I do know that self interest and stimulating yourself in such a way that makes you experience positive feelings is a slippery slope, I mean I have really learned this the hard way with past experiences with addictions to drugs and sex and shit like that. That is not a recommended experience. Now I am seeing it manifest in ‘smaller way’ as this example of today, but even then, the experience is still not a cool one. The more aware of this you become, the more you become aware of and thus begin to value even the smallest moments. So what is the difference between wasting 5 minutes of your life, a day, a week – it is all just a matter of degree. In that 5 minutes you could have made the world a better place than it is today, in 5 minutes you could have made yourself a better person that you were 5 minutes earlier.

Every single moment is so valuable that all it takes is a single moment of thought, of having a desire for some kind of experience, that that is all it takes to set a person off onto their socio-path of desire and self interest. And of course we can find all kinds of ways to justify our self interest: I need it, just a little, I’m tired, I need to relax, I don’t feel good and this will make me feel better, a little won’t hurt, I worked hard and I deserve it – etc.

It is already hard enough to change our habits that are formed from desires without having already given into, let alone when you start to give into them, it is like, too late, the energy is already flowing, and it just feels oh so good – I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop!

So this is the reason I am seeing more and more how important it is to set boundaries, guidelines, and specifically, to implement a schedule in my life as a fail-safe to make sure that this is impossible. This is an important point I realized a while ago with regards to the nature of the mind – that you are your own worst enemy and you literally have to take measures sometimes to ensure that abuse is not possible/not able to be allowed in the short term, until the abuse/self interest point has been sorted out and one can again be trusted with life as this time we are given here on earth.

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a schedule for myself and be patient in understanding that this is a process of developing a schedule, and thus it is not to be limited by a schedule as I may fear, but rather to see how I can structure myself in a way where living is effective and enjoyable – to ensure that I can manage both to be the best that I can be and take responsibility for my world, and to also enjoy myself as an individual within my world experience, ensuring that these two points no longer conflict with one another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that a schedule may limit me as I allowed it to/experienced it to in the past, and to instead simply work with a schedule within the understanding that it serves purely as a guideline of support to living the life that I have always dreamed of, but never knew how to structure and create effectively – after all, inherent in creation is structure, inherent in the ability to express in freedom is having the structure from which to express self

I commit myself to design and develop a schedule as a structured support/guideline, and to work with this point within the principles of freedom and self expression – not limiting myself to it, but rather working with it as I work with myself: a work in progress