Tag Archives: thoughts

Day 340: Writing as a tool

 

In the past I had kind of a mystical idea about writing self forgiveness. It made complete sense to me to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allow myself to be and become as I could see that what I had become did not serve me and was not really who I was, but was just an idea of who I am and how I should live that I copied from my society and those who came before me, in order to fit in and survive. But when I would do self forgiveness, aside from understanding what needed to be forgiven, I had vague idea about it, like if I just wrote the forgiveness then there would be this magical shift within myself where suddenly all of my desires and habits would just stop and I would just sort of magically change. I did not see the importance of being specific in exactly how that self forgiveness would be lived in real time.

 

My self forgiveness was impractical and that is what I am focusing on at the moment – making sure that writing is a self directive tool, akin to how, for instance, a scientist may use writing as a tool in his process of discovery and testing things out. The scientist will observe what is going on and then take notes so he can understand the habits/qualities/properties etc. of something, then will attempt and try different things to try and achieve whatever it is he is trying to achieve, but in that process, will use writing along the way to script and outline what he is going to do, and also to write about the effectiveness of it, what worked and what didn’t, why it did or didn’t work etc.

 

The same thing applies to my writing in my process. Yes, sometimes I will write blogs on general points that give general insights or perspectives or stories on certain points, but for myself, in being practical in moving forward in my process, remember what this process is all about in the first place: changing myself to live a life that is best for me and all life, so that I can practically correct myself and live life anew, it is crucial that I use writing effectively in real time: that means to write about real events, to write about the actual thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience, to outline, point by point, what are the mental processes that unfolded so that when the same point arises, I can see the point and ‘stop the mind in it’s tracks’ as these same habitual mental processes unfold.

 

I remember someone once pointing out to me that I can’t even remember all the thoughts I had yesterday, and it was true, and I didn’t necessarily see the relevance of this (other than the obvious point of how oblivious/controlled I am), which he then pointed out to me: that that would be self honest. To actually remember, is an act of self honesty – not ignoring what transpired and what happened that formed who I am now and what I do/how I behave now, so actually see and understand what created me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be impractical in my use of writing, believing that if I simply write and do self forgiveness, then things will just magically change and be better, within defining such acts as simply ‘good’ without considering how the point of writing must be a practical tool to identify and forgive patterns, and then script exactly how I would walk the process of change practically in real time, and to use writing to directly support and facilitate this process

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not utilize writing as a specific tool to support myself and direct myself and establish my self change in walking my process, then there is no point in writing at all, as I would then be justifying my mistakes through the belief that I am doing something good and changing while no actual practical change is taking place

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with who I am and what I have become as all of the mistakes that I make and everything that is wrong with me, and judge myself because of this, and that within being overwhelmed, I attempt to try and deal with everything at once, and become unspecific and vague and too broad in my writing, and that I have not allowed myself to stop, breathe, and give myself patience and time to deal with myself one point at a time, within the certainty and commitment of applying myself every day to make progress, point by point in effectiveness, until it is done

 

I commit myself to ensure that my writing is effective in taking on one point at a time, and working with the actual points as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience in my daily living so that I can investigate what has transpired, how it played out, and thus how I can correct myself practically the next time such a point arises in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to write with self direction and specificity

 

I commit myself to not try and take on too many points at a time and look at a point too broadly, and simply work with what is here as my inner experiences of the mind, as I see, realize and understand that I now have the tools to practically do so with effectiveness, and commit myself to walk this process and walk through the resistance that I may experience to utilizing such tools

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Day 336: Relationships and Conspiracy

 

A while a go I remember watching a documentary by Adam Curtis called ‘The Trap’. It showed how through social engineering humans were being unwittingly influenced to essentially be completely selfish in their motives, conspiring against their fellow man in pursuit of personal gain, and live a life of complete paranoia and distrust of their fellow man within the assumption that their fellow man was living in the exact same way.

 

Now, this isn’t exactly news to me and I’m sure it isn’t news for many people, however it does hold value in substantiating and showing/documenting the way in which we as human beings live and the fact that this this of behavior is engineered, encouraged, promoted by special interest groups who study human beings like lab rats (often using actual lab rats to figure study our behavior patterns), of which the general public is not aware that this is taking place.

 

I mentioned in my last blog how the influence of our societal systems/norms has on relationships, where our relationship pursuits are contextualized by this mentality of seeking personal gain, even at the expense of others, where the people in our lives become commodities, assets to the personal empires we build to ourselves. Well, today a train of thought arose in my mind, where I was considering ‘worst case scenarios’ of my relationship, the fear of it ending and me being at some form of loss and within this, waging how I could come out of it best – basically, in a situation of conflict and deterioration of the relationship, who would ‘come out on top’. I found myself immediately considering each others status within the context of ‘who needed each other more’ and thus, if it ended, ‘who would be losing out more’, and within this, waging that I had the upper hand, having more wealth, status, being a male, coming from a more privileged country, etc. This entire train of thought happened so quickly, I mean I am really just mentioning all the information in a nutshell here, and yet all of this information and the considerations thereof happened in just a moment of thought. That is how dangerous our minds as the automation of brainwashing/conditioning that does not serve us can be. If I had not dealt with it in any way, who knows the consequences that such thoughts may have on my life…it is insanity, nothing less.

 

Through Desteni I have learned the importance of abandoning self interest and the fear of loss, the fear of my demise, through embracing all life as myself as one and equal. Yes, there is a lot of conditioning/brainwashing to behave otherwise and so learning to live this way is a lengthy process that takes hard work and serious commitment. But through establishing this base principle as a directive living principle, I have enabled myself to be able to – in moments such as this – abandon the fear of loss and embrace others as myself, retaining as my starting point the approach of always trying to find a solution that would be best for all, that considers others as equal and one to myself and thus to give to others as I would like to receive as the solution, to give to all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base relationships and the desire to have a relationship in self interest and the pursuit of survival and personal fulfillment wherein I only consider myself as the one to be fulfilled, as such a consideration can only exist within a point of being brainwashed to fear loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value myself and my partner in terms of their appeal as commodities, within the ideal of what would be a ‘valuable’ partner as such values of a person pertain to survival and may increase the chances/likelihood of survival based on their attributes, skills and status and how society values such points and thus how valuable the would be in the eyes of the system and how this would benefit me

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing such a ‘commodity’ as a partner, not realizing that I would not be losing anything but an accessory to my fear of survival

 

And within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play psychological games with myself/with my partner where we compete over who is more valuable and who needs each other more, rather than establishing a relationship of trust based within the principles of mutual consideration as equals as what is best for all, allowing myself to let go of the fear of what I experience as feeling ‘vulnerable’ because I am no longer competing to assert my value and worth within the pursuit and fear of survival in the system – but by embracing what the mind experience as being ‘vulnerable’ I am in fact allowing myself to be stronger than ever by letting go of the fear of loss and fear of others, through stopping the mind as ego and embracing others as myself in giving equal value and consideration to others

 

I compete myself to ensure that my relationship is not a competition, and that all of my relationships with people/interactions are not influence and compromised by this underlying fear of others as the desire to compete as I commit myself to embrace others as myself and always do that which is best for all in giving equal value and consideration to others as myself

 

When and as I see myself entering the fear of loss – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how relationships have become a point of self interest and commodification/control/possession over others, and thus I do not participate in this fear as it arises in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to stop the desire to have other people in my life to serve as commodities to my ego and status wherein I look to associate with others who I see and judge as having value within the eyes of the system – thus I commit myself to judging people based on their value in the eyes of the system as their attributes, skills and status

 

I commit myself to stand as who I am, here as breath in self honesty, despite the fear of loss and in the face of such fears, no matter how intense the energetic experience of fear may be, rather than to instead try and gauge ‘what my chances are to win the game’ or ‘come out on top’ and to try and search for confidence and the ability to direct myself/make choices within evaluating myself and my own worth based on my value/worth in the eyes of the system/as determined by the world system/society – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for self value and confidence to act/direct myself/control my world only based on self definition as mind, and thus I commit myself to embrace the only real value that I have – the value of self as life as breath, here as a physical being with the brief opportunity I have been given to live and realize what life is

 

Day 333: Daily habits and thinking

Observe your thoughts for a day, a week, a month” – this was something that I read today that really stuck with me, even though it may seem a simplistic point. I notice that actually, to even observe my thoughts for a whole day is very difficult, because of the nature of thinking: that you are the one doing it, and so while you’re busy doing it, it is difficult to be able to step back and observe what you are doing.

This is where words like determination, dedication and strictness have to be lived and applied, because such a habit of taking note of one’s own thoughts does not happen naturally at all, it takes real effort and concentration, it requires one to be steadfast, almost vigilant, if it is to be done properly. I happen to have started reading this new book on habits and habit formation and that is one of the points that is brought up: that forming new habits take real work and concentration. Over time they become easier to activate as the path has already been walked – practice makes perfect.

Crucial within this is to stop participating in habits that take away from this point of concentrating myself on what matters. It is crucial to actually direct myself here in the moment in making specific decisions where I am fully aware of what I will do and I do it, based on the understanding that deciding on and sticking to certain activities will in fact support me. There is always something there to entertain myself with, there is always someone else to focus on, and then there is always my partner, who is quite frankly very attractive and charming to me – all of these points are things that I experience as nice, good feeling habits that are just so easy to fall into, as they have already been formed – and I notice that when I fall into these habits, because they are based in the energy of the mind, I become like hazy, clouded and unfocused, it becomes very noticeable when I then try to focus myself/concentrate on something. Again, strictness with self, and not fearing that I will ‘lose anything’ is crucial here, because what I tend to do when I fear losing something, is that I may apply myself, but I will kind of ‘try too much, ‘focus too hard’, where I become too intense, obsessive and zealous, because within that fear of loss within giving up old habits, a new energy is created which is then the energy that I end up feeding and building-up in the attempt to stop and change.

This reminds me of an interview series I watched recently from Desteni with regards to Michael Tsarion and his work, where they discussed the point of how we try to be good and not be evil, but how being good takes so much effort and energy because it is only based on judging evil and thus trying to suppress/not be evil. This is simply not necessary and doesn’t work, especially when I have the tools and even some of the experience to be practical and effective in dealing with the mind. So, back the notebook I will keep in my pocket for when thoughts come up, back to breathing as a self support as often as possible and when I see myself falling into old habits – there is no need to judge and then fear – but to simply recognize, breathe and within breath the common sense is always here to move myself directly, in one single moment as breath as I see, understand and realize what it is that I must do – move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to the simplicity of breath in directing myself here in every moment – of being determined to breathe whenever I see myself participating in a habit/pattern/addiction, and to then move myself to make a decision in self honesty in participating in that which is practical and relevant which supports me. I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be disciplined in writing out my thoughts and observing the patterns of my mind as thoughts consistently so that I may begin to know and understand how I work and thus know how to support and change myself effectively

When and as I see myself getting lost in a habit/desire.pattern/addiction, or even the thoughts of participating in it – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand where this is going and that I will only delude myself with energy as the habit/energy takes over and I lose control over my own self directive principle, and thus I remain here as breath and direct myself in self honesty as a decision that self honestly will support me in my process of stopping the mind

I commit myself to stop my habits/patterns/desires/addictions effectively so that I may support myself to understand myself, and thus within stopping I commit and dedicate myself to writing out my thoughts and to observe and write out my thoughts as much as possible, within the commitment of getting to know myself and thus getting to know all beings as the mind, and thus being able to change myself and direct myself and within this, be able to direct and support others effectively, making my existence on this earth relevant as I can actually have an effect on my reality that results in an outcome that is best for all life as change

Day 331: The danger of being lost in thought

 

Today I lost a toe nail. It was on my big toe. I’ve never lost a nail before and I must say, the experience was fucking PAINFUL. I was swimming in the ocean, and I turned around somewhat quickly to move in the other direction and I did not see a rock in the water that was quite tall, and stubbed my toe in just the right way where my toe nail was separated from my toe, although it still held on by just a bit at the bottom. I was on an island tour and it was morning so I had to wait until the tour ended in the afternoon, return to my hotel and then go see a doctor in the clinic to have my toe anesthetized with drugs, and have the toe nail completely removed. The anesthetic injection was extremely painful as well.

 

The reason this happened was due to the fact that when I turned and stubbed my toe, I was not paying attention, I was thinking. I was preoccupied in thought for just a moment and this was enough to fuck up my toe, which will now take some time to heal, and where I must be very careful and am taking drugs regularly because it is exposed without the toe nail.

 

This reminds me of several other times I injured myself in my life, simply because I was lost in the mind, lost in thoughts.

 

I once shattered my metacarpal bone in my hand because I was enraged, I ‘snapped’ due to some angry thoughts I had about another.

 

A few years back I tore a ligament in my leg, playing basketball and lost in the thought of how I was going to win, not paying attention to my body as I was busy watching one of my shots go in the net.

 

I had a motorcycle accident a while ago because I reacted to what the person in front of me was doing, started thinking and didn’t pay attention because of my thinking for a crucial moment.

 

When I was younger I got a concussion playing football, lost and caught up again in thoughts about winning and sacrificing my body for my minds desires.

 

These are just a few examples of what being lost in the mind of thoughts can do, and it is a tiny scope of the consequences of being lost in the mind; it barely accounts for future consequences, peripheral consequences and the consequences it has on the lives of other people and this world. It shows the important of ‘getting back to ourselves’ – getting real with yourself, becoming self honest with yourself about what it is that you are in fact doing with your body/life, and learning to actually direct yourself, here as the breath of a physical being – not a system of the mind that is directed by programmed thoughts and ideas about what is apparently important, about what one should apparently be living, which is always self serving – ego.

 

A bit of pain every now and again can do us good as the consequences of living out ego and not directing ourselves self honestly, if we use that pain and unpleasant experience as motivation/a reality check to look at ourselves and question what we are doing, to realize the error of what we are doing and redirect/re-align ourselves accordingly.

Day 317: The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following Principles:

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Day 311: Re-defining ignorance, part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize ignorance as a way of escaping my reality and fulfilling self interest within the notion that ‘ignorance is bliss’, wherein if I just ignore my reality and remain uneducated while preoccupying myself with entertainment and useless distractions, I believe that my life and experience of myself will somehow be better, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give ignorance a positive charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use ignoring people as a weapon within an energetic experience of spitefulness wherein I use ignoring someone as a way of saying ‘fuck’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stop and realize that I am in fact reacting towards another and that this is only out of fear of what another can do to me which is in fact just the fear of myself as how I exist within my own thoughts about others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that is in fact impossible from a certain perspective as I require to interact with others in order to exist and co-exist and that ignoring others is not the answer as that which is bothering me which I fear is not others in fact by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is pointless to ignore others when in fact I am the creator of my experience and it is my thoughts which disturb me – not others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others within/as a point of blame and as a way of not having to face myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and ignore my own thoughts by focusing on others and then trying to ignore others – not seeing and realizing that the only thing that is necessary to ignore is the desire to give into my own reactions/thoughts and that this is the only way that ignoring can ever be valid: ignoring the desire to ignore others and react/give into my thoughts/feelings/emotions as this is useless and not self directive

I commit myself to take self responsibility for my own thought and to not ignore them and remain ignorant to the truth of myself as my own reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions – and within this, I commit myself to stop the tendency to ignore others as a way of believing my inner reactions to be real and believing that others are the problem, and thus the tendency to want to ignore others as a way of being spiteful/saying ‘fuck you’

when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to ignore others/my reality – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is in fact my own fears as my thoughts/feelings emotions that may only present themselves as being about others when they are in fact about me and how I am existing and that the only solution here is to direct my attention to my own reactions and forgive/correct them, by investigating what was the reaction, what was it’s nature and what is it showing me about me, which holds the key to correcting such a point and no longer fearing others/creating the desire to ignore others – thus I take self responsibility for who I am and do not give into the desire to ignore others within blame, as this desire arises as my thoughts/feelings/emotions

I commit myself to remain here and face my thoughts and stop all tendencies to ignore my thoughts and my inner and outer reality – I remain here within the understanding that I am the directive principle/creator of how I experience myself and thus I am able to direct myself as I would like accordingly always as long as I remain here, aware, facing myself and all that is here without fear of myself, projected as the fear of others