Day 153: The simpleton character, Part 1

Day 153: The simpleton character, Part 1

Today I noticed that there is a tendency within me to want to sort of ‘play dumb’ around people, what I labelled as the ‘simpleton character’ for the sake of addressing this point. I find this tendency comes up in situations where I am dealing with people, and I am looking for a particular outcome/experience with this person – I want, something, basically – and thus will present myself as a dumb, innocent character with no kind of agenda, where I am basically looking for ways to please the person I am dealing with. That’s usually ‘what I want’ – most of the time, is just to ‘get by’ in my daily interactions with people, make sure nothing bad happens and that there is a positive foundation for future interactions. Fear and survival is what it boils down to.

Being a people pleaser is what it is all about but it is fascinating that to please people, it is always necessary to dumb myself down in some way or another. Because when I play this character, I am never putting myself in a position where it would be possible to assess, for instance, what a person is actually saying and thus how to respond appropriately, instead the tendency is to simply find ways to agree, or ‘nicely disagree’ – but the problem with ‘nicely disagreeing’ is that I am still forcing myself to validate this person or their viewpoint without question. This is obviously a problem because there is essentially an ulterior motive in all of my interactions with people, which is to preserve self interest, because as much as I may justify and validate my fear of a disagreement and things ‘not going well’, these are not ‘bad’ things – within disagreements real opportunities can exist to learn and self reflect. So it is like, “I will keep validating your ego and not questioning anything you say, and you will like me for that in return so that way my life stays the way it is and so does yours and neither of us has to change.”

This is not to say that I have to start looking for openings to question people or like I am on some quest to ‘show others the way’, because if my intent is pure, then it is not about me or some quest – it is simply about what is effective. Sometimes silence is warranted and that is all that’s necessary. But as long as I am being the people pleaser, and am fearful at all of what others think of me, I will be going above and beyond to please them, to relate to them, to fit in, to play the role of the guy that everyone likes because he makes them feel good. This bodes well maybe for career/financially success, which is why I am this way, but the fact is that I’m dying on the inside this way. I would rather live without the fear of others than to live a lie.

In part 2 of this blog I will begin writing self forgiveness on these points.

Day 152: The successful character

For a long time it is like I have been caught in survival mode.  What keeps me here is my self interest and this faint hope that if I stick to it, everything will somehow work out for me. Even if it did, what about the havoc I am wreaking in the process? Because it looks like I have a good shot in this lifetime of surviving compared to most people, so it is like “that is good enough” I will just be happy with that, that I am one of the lucky ones, and pack it in and just try to get by without too much hassle or inconvenience. Within this, making survival something ‘moral’ because then I am ‘successful’ which is a moral thing to be in this world, a ‘functioning member of society’ – but what are we functioning for? Only to make money for ourselves in our own self interest. That is why, I have found that “success” is an empty thing, according to the energetic attachment I have created to success as an idea – success being reduced to merely an idea because it is concerned only with self – that is not real success.

This ‘good feeling’ I get from ‘doing all the right things’ as defined to be morally correct is a deception because it is all based on this notion of success and I have bought into it and others around me have bought into it and will reinforce it, because once I have ‘stuck my nose to the grindstone’ enough and have been ignorant enough to the world around me to self righteously make money for me, myself and I, I will be feared and revered for the cold-blooded tenacity required to be lived to have such a steadfast determination to be successful in the name of self interest alone. This is what my family and world experience has taught me in every way and all behaviour is in some way shaped by this point – money as power.

But the clincher is the self deception of believing that there is an easier way, through believing oneself to be special and worth more than they are in fact and thus are entitled to a life of power and control through building self up to such a point where success is just an expected standard. Through believing that somehow self can ‘have it all’ to control for self and that everyone within this is just partisan to what serves self. Every energetic experience where it feels like self is succeeding and ‘winning’ is thus a deception because that winning and success is coming at the expense of another and is relative to failure.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in a definition of success that was taught to me by those who came before me as being something difficult to attain and beyond me and something that can be lost if I am not obsessed with the fear of self interest and my own self accepted and allowed inferiority and thus that any success I have or experience is by contrast ‘positive’ and ‘something good for me’ – not realizing that the morality that governs this is system morality and is not real and thus does not stand as the real measure of what is truly best or not, and thus, all living actions and practical living applications that previously gave an energetic experience of ‘winning’ must be re-defined as simply another part of living so that self is not limited by the deception of the apparent grandeur experienced as the feelings of ‘being successful’ so that self does not become enthralled and intoxicated by perceptions of grandeur but rather live life within a practical living context of what would be best for all life eternally and thus within this, personal preferences must be investigated and redefined according to what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the trappings of self victimization through the relationship I have created with myself and the idea of success as a way of not standing up for life through believing that standing up for life is simply too difficult when in fact, it is how I have defined being successful as something apparently difficult due to my apparent inferiority that makes it seems difficult to stand up for life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the addictions I have created as positive energy rewards as an escape from the fearful pursuit of success as a way of limiting myself from not doing what is best for all life and to instead create phony problems that are not real but in fact just made up drama to make life seems more difficult than it really is – not realizing that living and surviving did not require to be created as such a stressful experience and is only so due to the fear and self interest that the pursuit of success is based in!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an ‘easier way’ to live than to give as I would like to receive

I commit myself to redefine and live success according to what is best for all life

I commit myself to take my process moment by moment,  day by stay and to stop the tendency to want to make things better’ faster than they are within the realization understanding that this desire exist within the context of self interest and the desire to succeed as it circumvents this process of self realization through the belief that self has ‘transcended’ and is based within the desire to not take self responsibility

I commit myself to, when and as I see thought/feelings/emotions arising within me wherein I feel/experience a ‘sense of accomplishment’ – to stop, breathe, and see that this is in fact based in inferiority, and I do not participate within such energetic experiences

I commit myself to stop the desire to be a success in the eyes of others as society as defined success and within this, to stop wanting to simply appear or feel/think I am special by doing this that is simply defined as ‘good’ but not actually living what is good as self as what is best for all

I commit myself to stop associating doing what is necessary to survive with and success and a positive energetic charge – realizing that this is self deception of the belief that I am inferior but am now becoming better because I am becoming the character I need to be to survive by participating in particular acts of the character that brings about a successful life for the character

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take pride in presenting the character that is successful, not realizing that this is just a character and thus, not who I really am but just the control of fear