Tag Archives: resistance

Day 323: Specifying my interaction with others, part 1

 

Two points to look at for today, which are related: (1) being direct when it comes to moving myself into doing new things/actions that are not preprogrammed and do not necessarily come ‘naturally’ (reading and learning new things, for example), and (2) specifying my interactions with others.

 

The first point came up today when I noticed that I really had to push myself to ‘just go for it’ and ‘jump into’ my school work. I have a habit of setting myself up to do things like school work in my mind (or generally, tasks that don’t always come easy/naturally as they usually involve acquiring new information/doing new things), where I sort of psyche myself up for doing these things – essentially, it is stalling, because usually I end up not going directly into something and rather find distractions, or when I do get into it, I am very indirect, like I am doing it but I am not really ‘here’ – this is most noticeable with reading. This experience due to the thoughts I have about the task, where I project myself forward as doing the task in my mind, so it becomes more of a mental experience, even when I actually do physically engage in it. The solution here obviously being to identify in the moment when I am having these thoughts about what I must do, rather than simply seeing and recognizing directly what must be done, and the simply doing it.

 

The second point, with regards to specifying my actions with others, is doing so within the context of ensuring that my interactions with others are in fact beneficial to accumulating what is best for all – meaning that they have an outcome/result where I actually become a better person within this context. This point is within the greater point of just not wasting the time I have in my life, as it is an easy thing to do with other people, for myself – people can be exciting lol, and so it can be easy to lose sight of what matters/my goals, and difficult to make sure that I am organizing/managing time effectively. This point also came up as part of a consideration within the relationships point. I have written before about the point of ‘the ideal partner’ about how I have defined this ideal in my mind about what kind of partner would please my mind/ego. So the point of specifying my interactions has become relevant within the deception that is this idea of ‘the ideal partner’, where I notice that I often deceive myself and play games with myself, sometimes wondering if I am ‘with the right person’ or ‘if this other person might be better/there might be someone better’ – and within this, I am diverting attention away from me and who I am within relationships. What really matters is who I am, no matter who I am interacting with as it is only me and ‘who I am’ that is able to ensure that the outcome is that which is best for all, and that the interactions taking place with others are specific and worthwhile, as conducive to this goal. So this applies to all forms of relationships, including friendships and families – it is not so much about ‘who the other person is’ but rather who I am and whether or not I am specific and self directive within interaction with others.

 

These points are related in that the first one relates to my interaction with myself: my internal actions that are taking place within me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – my relationship with myself – that determine my external actions as my living application. So this word ‘interaction’ is indeed an interesting one as it is generally used in referring to participating with others, as the ‘inter’ refers to ‘who I am’ internally, which determines my living action when I am with others.

 

I will continue in the next blog with self forgiveness and self corrective statements as specific and livable (practical) guidelines for this point.

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Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

Day 292: Resistance to writing, self support and fear of loss

I am here again to write about my experiences of resistance towards writing as a self support tool in my process. What I do know about not writing is that I am making a decision to suppress myself, to ignore myself, to neglect myself. I mean I give all these other people and things attention on a daily basis in my life, and yet I don’t even want to give the same attention to myself. Even helping and supporting others seems easier – and yet it is not effective to do this without supporting self too. What I also know is that if I do not engage myself in this process, I will be angry. I will be angry at myself for this decision I have made and how I have limited and neglected myself so extensively, and I will continue to be unhappy about my living conditions and the state the world is in because of the fact that I know that I did absolutely nothing to be able to change it. I know, I know, I know…and yet during times where I am stuck in a rut of resistance, knowing doesn’t seem to make any difference – only DOING makes a difference.

 

This is the problem with knowledge and information in the way that we utilize it: that knowledge and information without practical application is useless. This doesn’t have to mean anything profound, it just means that I might know all this stuff, but I’ve got to speak it, look at it, study it, consider it, explore it, expand on it, investigate it, question it, question myself within it – I mean, I’ve got to live, and no matter how much I know or what I have learned as acquired knowledge – without the natural flow of self expression, including expressing myself with/as myself here alone – nothing I learn is of any use.

 

Sometimes I get a little extreme with this point of applying knowledge, where a solution really looks and sounds great, and I just want to force it onto my life, just try to impose it and stick with it, and then it is like, if it doesn’t work, I feel shitty and I judge myself because “I had the answer, why did I fall? How could I have fallen, I did everything right!”. I can see that this kind of assessment is what ends up fucking with me because I think I have the answer, and then there are like these rules formed – what to do and what not to do – and based on how I follow this, I judge myself – good for following the rules, bad for not following the rules. What I fail to consider here is that there are no rules – just directive principles that are necessary to be explored in terms of how they can be practically applied in my particular situation. This takes quite some doing because with the mess that this world is in, to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ requires doing so within a system that is inherently abusive towards life. I mean, everything about the way we live is evil by virtue of our participation in an evil system which causes massive and untold suffering.

 

By giving myself the gift of writing, I am giving myself an opportunity to work out practically what it would mean to apply the principles which I want to live by – equality and oneness. It is through writing that I can ask myself simple questions, where I can consider decisions and choices and through the principle of 1+1+1+1….I am able to eventually work things out. If I come to a limit in what I can do in writing, then perhaps a point requires more research or physical investigation. I can see that the desire to ‘want to know what to do’ and ‘have all the answers already’ is something that fucks me and in the past has pushed me to make rash decisions. I have to hold my own hand and actually walk this process, with a kind of patience – the ind of patience that does not require effort but rather only breath, because within this I am trusting myself to always be here to support myself in walking this process, and thus the fear of loss diminishes and I can allow patience as self expression to emerge.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for/try to create answers within the desire to do so that is birthed in the fear of loss, as a result of not applying myself in self writing and making the unconditional commitment to simply support myself and get to know myself through writing and whatever other tasks/activities my process may entail

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create rules for myself to follow within the belief that I have things figured out – not stopping to question why it might be so difficult to follow these rules and to investigate this experience as part of the overall process of walking myself through this experience and directing myself within it

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for knowledge as the desire for ‘profound answers’ rather than simply living myself in physical application as living knowledge as who I am

 

I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing as a self expression here in the moment and to direct myself within self writing without preconceived ideas – I commit myself to ask myself questions and consider decisions and possible outcomes in working out what equality and oneness in practical application would look like

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to make rash decisions based within the fear of loss or because I fear a point – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in my desire – rather, I continue to focus on breath until this desire passes.I simply remain here as breath as a form of self support and self comfort, to show self that ‘hey, I’m here, I am stable, I am not going anywhere, I do not have to obey my mind, I do not have to believe my fear’, I do not have to be a slave to this fear’ and that life is in fact possible without the mind – I embrace the nothingness of breath within and as the certainty that I am here and as long as I am here in self trust as the commitment to live self honestly as breath – I will always make decisions that support the breath of life

Day 291: Resistance and writing no matter what


Lately I have had a lot of resistance to writing and it has accumulated over time to the point where I had found it very difficult to even just sit down and write again. From some of the progress I have made through writing in the past, I can see that I have set a kind of standard for myself that is very high – in terms of the quality of my insights and the way they are articulated – to the point where writing as a mere self support tool, where I am still ranting and raving about things and getting to know myself, has been left by the wayside. It is a constant challenge in process because as long as we are in process, we should be humbled, and that is a difficult thing for the mind as ego to accept – it latches onto even this point of trying to change myself for the better to make it some kind of personal competition.

One of the biggest resistances I have had to writing in my process is the point of giving up stimulation – moments that I feel like they are my own, where I can do what I want and be selfish and just do things which I believe pleasure me. This resistance to give up these moments becomes extra difficult with process because within process, I am facing myself – there is nowhere to run and hide and I have to actually face and direct that which I am dealing with on a daily basis – effectively! Sometimes the day can seem so tough, the reactions can seem so vivid that the last thing I feel like doing is writing about them. Within living in a way which is reactionary, I am a slave to my reactions and have this experience of being a slave, of having to do all kinds of things in my daily life which I don’t want to do – but it is not really about doing those things, it is about who I am within doing those things, as a reactive being.

I can also see how experiences wherein I used the ego to ‘hype’ the idea of changing/becoming better has deterred me, where I followed a pattern of getting motivated, having that energy fade when things get difficult or I fall or miss a point, and then from that failure, being disappointed and discouraged, and not persevering through this experience, but rather, turning towards the positive – old habits of ‘positive stimulation’ which are really just coping mechanisms and escapes. I have failed to neglect and employ the real positive of getting down to supporting myself as necessary. Resistance is a point that it seems I will be dealing with for quite a long time, so it is best to get to know this point intimately.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully investigate the point of basic resistance, within the belief that old coping systems will suffice and that I can postpone facing the inevitability of having to stand, walk and support myself in actions

I commit myself to investigate the basic point of resistance as I experience without shame, self judgment and expectations of myself, but rather to simply walk the point as a way of supporting myself through getting to know myself, in all it’s detail

I commit myself to daily writing no matter what – without any preconceived ideas or expectations – but simply as a self expression, here alone as unconditional self support

Day 279: Turning big brother into a breath

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I have 1 student that I work with who has difficulty learning. It is fascinating because while he is capable, and has proven this, whenever he is put to task or instructed, he absolutely can not focus, he can not follow any kind of explicit instructions – he simply ‘turns off’ in a kind of way, although sometimes he may still appear like he is paying attention. It is fascinating how apparent this mental block is, as when I find a way to present things to him ‘casually’, or naturally through points that emerge through conversing with him, he shows that he is perfectly capable as a student. What is fascinating about this mental block is that it seems to be activated any time that work is presented to him some form of instruction, some for of thing that he must follow, some kind of prompt that he must respond to or fulfill – that is when he turns off. What I am suspecting is that through unpleasant schooling experiences, as children are forced into their education, he has developed this defense mechanism. I find it fascinating because I also suspect that at a deeper level, a child knows that the teacher or education is not really working in their best interest and so they simply do not trust them. Because as soon as something is presented within a context of ‘this is educational, we are learning, we are taking on a task’ – you know, when it gets ‘serious and official’.

Now what I also sometimes wonder when I assess another person is: am I really seeing them directly, or am I merely projecting a point of myself onto them – or both?

I see this same point is prevalent in my own life where, whenever I am faced with a new task or challenge, something where I have to move myself – all of a sudden my movement no longer is as fluid and I kind of stop in my tracks, it is like a form of anxiety where all of a sudden I am faced with this looming burden, the burden of hard work. Much of this is based in past experiences where, due to not having proper training, support or understanding, the experience of work was an extremely difficult struggle, and this is what I accepted as the reality of working, unfortunately.

So when this happens, where I am faced with a new task which doesn’t come naturally or easily, like for example doing school work: what I will tend to do is react the information of ‘doing work/school work/I have to get this done/I have to do a good job’ – all kinds of connotations to ‘doing work’ start to come up based on my fears based on my past experiences and before I know it all kinds of thoughts on the point have come up and I react to those thoughts. By trusting these thoughts as the mind, I will have tendency to go further into the mind as fear, looking there for answers/solutions. Now since the mind functions in positive and negative, I will always polarize myself into either one experience or the other. The positive polarity will be where I may have this experience of fear and being overwhelmed but I will ‘muster up the courage’ and ‘fight hard’, or as we say in Canada, “just give’er”. The other polarity is that I will just say ‘fuck this’ and do something else – because of course I don’t want the stressful experience, and what I know of ‘working’ from my past experiences, where I utilized the positive polarity, is that I had to ‘fight hard’, to try hard’, to ‘be prepared for a struggle, a battle’. I know this is why I have given up on myself so many times in life, is because I was just tired of battling, of struggling, and never even conceived that there could be another way.

So this point was raised in with regards to what practical solutions can be utilized when I am faced with doing work and I go into this mental experience. Regardless of what polarity I end up going with, there is a tendency to always stop and think before actually doing the work. I just stop and think about doing it, rather than doing it. I battle with myself within my mind ‘can I do this? Can I not? The positive me is struggling against the negative me and it is an exhausting internal battle – and then if the positive side wins, I will eventually get down to doing the work, but it is interesting how I work when I am in this state. I go into this kind of ‘mode’ where I am ‘over-focused’, as I have called it before, it is like I am so stimulated, so worked up, so focused that I actually can not focus, even though it kind of feels like I am really focused. It is fascinating. It is like a form of anxiety where you have this heightened sense of awareness – but that heightened sense of awareness is rather a form of heightened consciousness – or is that self-consciousness? Within this state, my ability to actually take in information effectively is significantly diminished, as opposed to being in a relaxed state where such tasks become much easier and information is absorbed much more naturally/directly.

What is interesting with my experience, along with so many other experiences that I have sen in the lives of others, is that we all tend to internalize and become the things that we struggled through and endured in our lifetimes. And this is what I did. I internalized ‘big brother’ – the authority figure of the teacher, the principal, the parent – whoever. What I experienced of them, what it was about this experience that I despised, of being forced, of being directed by people who don’t really give a shit, of being essentially policed by teachers to follow their orders within the fear of consequences if I didn’t – I internalized all of these experiences into a ‘big brother’ entity in my head that polices me, where I bully myself and experience (through this voice in my head) the essence of the experience I had in school.

So what I am working on is stopping the experience where, when I am faced with this moment of “ok, time to work now” I stop and go into the experience of thinking/anxiety/fear/questioning myself/looking for ways to do it/looking for ways to get out. What is difficult is that I don’t always see myself when I am stuck in this experience. When I do, it can be as simple as stopping the thoughts, taking a deep breath, and simply moving myself – but that takes practice until it become more natural and the experience of resistance goes away, I’m finding. It is important to identify what exactly are the experiences/feelings/thoughts that I am experiencing so that I can understand them, forgive them and thus see them in the moment when they pop up, so I can stop them effectively. If I can’t see it, I can’t stop it. Aside from writing out the thoughts as they pop up in the moment, there are a few points that I am ware of that keep me from moving myself: “can I do this?” “this looks difficult” “I don’t want to do this, it’s boring, it’s not interesting” “what is the point?” “is this worth the effort?” “this is going to be difficult” “this is not going to be fun” “I have no idea what I’m doing” I’m too tired for this” I can do this later” “I’m going to do this! And it is going to be like this and this and this!” (these last 2 examples demonstrate the negative and positive polarity perspectives of the mind that I have mentioned previously.

Day 247: Self-honesty takes real effort

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Today, it took a moment to get to writing, as it often does, because I sort of draw a blank, not always remembering what I was experiencing in that particular day, or what is really going on with me. Using a thought diary is good for this and I recently bought one because I plan to get back into the habit of writing out my thoughts in the moment so I can see more clearly what I am working with at the end of my days.

I basically had to just sit down and write. Write my feelings in the moment, write out a bunch of fears and concerns and feelings and all kinds of shit, and I realized that I really had been resisting writing and looking at all this stuff – that’s what the whole point of ‘drawing a blank’ is, it is looking for ‘something to write about’ as an idea of the mind, projecting itself, rather than looking at the actual content of my mind as how I am experiencing it. It turned out to be all kinds of stuff, thoughts, feelings, emotions and desires that I had been having in very brief moments here and there throughout my day, which do have an accumulative effect, and I am sort of aware that I am having them in the moment, but stopping them in the moment is still something I am getting the hang of – just breathe breathe breathe, and then finally move on when the energy passes. 

The mind tends to want to follow up those thoughts and this is ultimately why I resisted something as simple as writing about how I feel and what I want – I fear to change myself as the fear of losing the illusion of myself. Self honesty is not something that comes naturally in this regard, because we have for so long spent our lives chasing these illusions and believing them to be real. It takes real effort to actually move oneself to sit down and look at oneself, self honestly, because even at times when we think we are being real with ourselves – we are not. It also takes time for these habits of following the mind to stop, and to implement the new pattern habit of not going there and breathing through the patterns. Sometimes I feel discouraged because it does take so much time, and not just so much time waiting, but so much time of consistent and constant application.

And yet every time I get a glimpse of what is really going on in this world, I feel ashamed that this is even a challenge for me, that I even allow myself to struggle with this, because those desires to live and exist in the mind are really nothing and frankly quite selfish when you look at the state this world is in the and the support that is required to be given.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to do the necessary ranting and raving in personal writing to be able to have an honest look at what it is that I am experiencing and work with what is here, giving myself the clarity, insight and stability to direct myself in self honesty and self trust

I commit myself to utilize ranting and raving, as well as a thought diary, to assist and support myself to see with clarity who I really am, and thus enabling myself as to how to best to support and direct myself in self honesty and self trust

When and as I see myself experiencing the resistance to right as not knowing what to right/not feeling like I can direct myself to write about something – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the tendency of the kind to want to hold onto old habits/patterns and not be self honest/look at who I am/what I am actually experiencing within myself – and thus I do not participate in this resonant experience as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these past patterns of resistance and rather direct myself here within/as breath to do the necessary ranting and raving/writing in the moment to be able to support myself and see who I really am and how I can correct myself to live in a way that is best for all life

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.