Tag Archives: self responsiblity

Day 319: Self honesty as the starting point for practical action

 

That I am here in this moment is almost the only thing I can be certain of. Life seems to move so fast and the mind reacts so instantaneously and seemingly naturally that I miss so much of what prompts me to ‘speed up’ and move at a pace where I don’t always really pay attention to what I am doing, what I am saying. This is not to say that I shouldn’t act naturally, but that there are certain things which I see, that if I just gave myself a moment and didn’t give into my mind/fears so automatically, I could then give myself a chance to direct myself more effectively in a way that is less considered/walked: as breath.

 

When I am honest with myself I can see how I have been programmed to live a life of self-interest – the base mentality that we are all programmed with because as long as we all play and support this game, those who have massive advantages over the rest of us (by virtue of their birthright) will always win a game that we create and support by virtue of our allowance and participation in it. The outflow of this is that I am addicted to certain things in my reality that I experience as “I like doing this” because it gives me some kind of inner experience of nice feelings.

 

When I look at the basics of these addictions – greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, pride – it is sufficient as a guideline to at least know what not to do, to know what not to participate in – it can just be difficult at times to fully apply myself in not participating in such habits, and also to remain consistent in doing so. And yet when I do, and stick to this basic guideline of not participating in my own selfishness, my own self interest: a whole new world opens up where I can actually live for real, where I can live in a way where my starting point and consideration is what is best for all live, including all as one as me – so essentially, addictions are the ‘food’ of the mind and ego – no matter how seemingly innocent they are or how we may justify them to ourselves.

 

When I look at my life, there is so much that I can convince myself is important and that I must obsess over, ‘or else apparently I will lose out, apparently I will not survive and thrive if I do not obsess over my own self interest, if I don’t live in constant fear of loss and defeat’. This is the mentality of my culture, my society: compete and win at all costs – fuck everything else, fuck life – we just don’t want to see it that way because we present our self interest and addictions as wonderful, fun, innocent – whatever. When I look at my life, apparently: my job is so important, my relationship is so important, the experience of feelings that I have defined as “love” is so important, whether or not others like me and how they think of me is important, whether I look good or not is so important, whether or not I have lots of money to buy things for myself is important, having lots of fun and great experiences is so important, my family and friends is so important, etc. etc. If this is so – and given that humans were created equal – what does this imply of all the billions of people who live only to suffer and have no chance of ever experiencing success and dignity in any of these points I have previously mentioned? Wouldn’t my priority as a responsible human being then be to work to ensure that all beings on earth are given the same opportunities and rights of those things that I obsess over and believe are so important for myself? It is going to require a great degree to humbleness to accomplish anything of real significance in this way, in this reality.

 

I have a tendency to over-think things, to procrastinate, to worry and wonder if I am ‘doing things right’ and ‘what is the best way to get this done’ – it is simple – self honesty – you just do it. Do away with all the shit in your life that you have falsely claimed is so important, ‘get a life’ and change your priorities – stop participating in the shit that only makes me feel nice but makes no real difference in the world as the world continues to plummet into hell. Self honesty is extremely simplistic and really just requires us to give up the things we fear and resist giving up.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give priority and value to my own self interest, which includes all of my addictions and activities that I participate in which make no real difference int his reality and just give me the illusion of happiness and fulfillment because they create feelings in me that are based in separation from life as they serve only ego and self interest, and I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to justify such actions as apparently being all in good fun and somehow being that which is best for all by making me happy first.

 

I commit myself to identify my priorities, what does not require attention and what does, based on the principle of participating in actions and doing whatever is necessary that will accumulatively, eventually and inevitably create a world that is best for all life and to no longer question or doubt or delay myself through over-thinking things and giving into the fearful thoughts and resistance of the mind, and rather act here as breath in self honesty as who I really am as life, where the mind is unable to deceive me by directing me with thoughts that are programmed to only serve self interest

 

Through directing ourselves as life, our example resonates, and its effect permeates reality like water, in a way that is beyond what we have always known: trying to control ourselves, others and our reality with the mind from a starting point of fear and self interest, as this will never produce a result as a world that is best for all life.

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Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Day 285: Self support when reacting to another

So today I had a negative reaction to another person in my world, for points that I observed about them that I consider to be not cool and problematic. What is interesting about observation, is that we as humans tend to project ourselves onto that which we are observing. What is even more interesting is that every human being tends to exist the same way in essence, so it can be rather confusing because: here I am in a situation where what I may be observing in another is real: yet if I am reacting to it, my reaction is not real, but rather a projection of myself of how I am actually existing within and as the same point – that is why we tend to react to others by judging and blaming them, rather than having the self directive principle through insight and understanding to be able to assist, support and direct them. So it is always important to take the point back to self, which requires the application of self honesty – identify what it is that self is reacting to, and look for where self may be living out the same points. Once this is done and self is no longer accepting and allowing self to participate in the same points, then it is possible to assist, support and direct another with effectiveness to also stop the same points for themselves. From writing in my journal about today’s experience of reacting to another, I have identified the following points, which pertain to blogs I have been writing recently which have been oriented around the tendency to want to be accepted by others and seen/viewed a particular way where I please others, within a starting point of fear and survival. Here are the points I identified in today’s writing:

Ok, so I have to clarify these points that I am reacting to: the desire to be attractive and be perceived by others as being attractive. The desire to get attention from others and have a nice experience with others. The tendency to use relationship experiences with others as a way of stagnating myself, where my starting point in interaction with others is not specific, direct or self expression, but rather just ‘looking for a good time’, and through creating the experience of ‘just having a good time’, I am drugging myself with distractions and laziness that keeps me from self movement and truly being effective with my time – additional to this, is also the point of not just moving myself because I have to, but developing that point of specificity in moment to moment management wherein each moment accumulates to a point that is practical – I mean, I have things to take care of, sort out, and get done in my time here on earth, and I have to be self honest about assessing whether or not my actions in every moment are conducive to those goals, or not.

Got to get to sleep – will continue this in the next post.

Day 221: Living in Survival mode part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world for my life experiences and feeling as though no one cared for me and like I had no opportunity in this world – when in fact I am equally responsible as I copied this behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents, family members, friends, and relationship partners for how I experienced myself with them in the past – not seeing and realizing who I was in the past equally responsible as equal contributor to the negative experiences I had

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to blame as a form of escapism, running from the truth of what I have accepted and allowed in my life and the harm I have caused myself and others, and within this, want and desire to run away from my reality as my past memories which I still carry with me, attempting to run away from myself as my past which I have not yet faced – not realizing that the desire to escape is in fact a form of blame and ignorance of what I have accepted and allowed in my time on earth thus far

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have no value, no opportunity, am not good enough, will never have a good life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is always going to be a struggle because this is how I experienced it/believed it to be in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to give up on myself and escape reality, not realizing that this is based on a past belief where I accepted that life must always be a difficult struggle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others in my world because of the disillusionment of expecting that others will help me or support me or save me – not realizing that this was based on a belief that this was the way things worked, that I must be helped and saved, within the misunderstanding of how myself and who I was and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that much of my anger towards others is due to my own failings and self dishonesties in life and within that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become, want and desire others to conform to it and serve/abide by/conform to/recognize/validate/give power to who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as that which I believe I am and believe I desire and must be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for the world to take responsibility for who I am and take care of me/serve me, not realizing that I can only stand for me as me and that this desire may likely have been birthed through the anger of feelings though I did not get the support from others I required at the times I needed it most/or even believed that I required/needed support from others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my environment in terms of conditions such as the things around me, how much I have access too, and how many opportunities I am given in the system – not realizing that I am not required to limit who I am based on my immediate surroundings and my particular situation/allocation/circumstances in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live the full consideration of the fact that I still carry many memories within me from past experiences and the extent to which such experiences as memories as able to influence me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is unacceptable to trust the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions because it is the influence that my past as memories is having on me today

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept it as normal that eventually, everything is going to ‘take a turn for the worse’ and become terrible in my life, expecting that everything will fail such as my relationships or finances or jobs – not realizing that this expectation is based on how I had defined life through my past experiences and the massive influence these memories have on me as this expectation – within this expectation, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become pre-emptive and ‘jump the gun’ by ending things/making things go bad/giving up on things/not sticking with things, because I expect it will not last/all go bad anyways, not realizing that such actions are a statement of self sabotage and giving up on myself rather than remaining here, sticking to principles and practical corrective application to direct myself and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to isolate myself/escape/run away/create my own paradise/secret paradise, not realizing/taking into full consideration how tough experiences in the past and who I was within such experiences are what influence me to have this desire, through a belief that the world is bad and no good is ever possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear other and believe that everyone/the world is my enemy and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control, dominate and be spiteful towards others in order to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one will ever understand/honor life, based on how I have defined humans in the past and how humans currently exist – not realizing that this fear is based on the acceptance that who we are currently is real, and not as a result of a whole life story of experience and accumulated memories

I commit myself to give up my bias towards others

I commit myself to not rush or give up on this process of self correction and sorting out this reality

I commit myself to work with others as much as possible and to not push others who are not ready out of my own fear that we will never make it, based on the belief that we are eternally fucked

I commit myself to work with myself and others with patience and understanding within the consideration and remembrance that this is a process and that I am not always going to know what to do

I commit myself to stop the tendency to always act and push to get things done immediately, not realizing that this is out of the fear that nothing will ever change, based on how I have defined reality in my own mind based on past experiences

I commit myself to never again run away from my reality out of spite and blame and rather remain here and work with what is here, as equal and one and without fear

I commit myself to move myself and be proactive in taking responsibility for myself and my reality by never again believing/expecting/wanting that others will do it for me

I commit myself to no longer be defined by those who are in my environment and my environment itself through working towards the understanding that all life is me as me as one and equal, and specifically to no longer base who I am and who I will be on factors that apparently indicate what my chances of survival are, apparently

I commit myself to stop the belief/expectation that inevitably, eventually things will always take a turn for the worse because of how I have judged my world/fellow human beings – not realizing that I am able to remain here and trust myself within my reality, no matter where I am situated – within this I commit myself to stop the tendency to want to escape my reality and the tendency to preemptively end relationships or give up on things

I commit myself to stick with things as long as I am able to/as long as it is effective

I commit myself to stop resisting others/my reality and remain here in my reality, interactive with others and to remain as who I am within all situations so that I may be of support/do what is best for all life

When and as I see myself defining my reality as ‘designed to fail’ and expecting it to fail and wanting to ‘fuck it’ or ‘give up on it’ or ‘end things preemptively’ or ‘force it to change instantly’ – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is based on many past experiences where I saw life as fucked and hopeless and constant fight for survival and within this, believed that I must strike first and fuck things up first before anyone else can so that I can be the dominant one/controller apparently – and I do not participate in this pattern of wanting to repeat old behavior of isolating myself, giving up, and resisting the world/reality/applying myself/taking self responsibility

Day 212: Utilizing dreams to face and correct the mind

Early this morning I had a crazy dream – I have had a few in recent times that were very intense, the kind of dreams about things that you really fear happening, so I am glad every time to wake up and find out it was just a dream. However a dream gives indications as to what is going on in one’s mind, so if I don’t check this stuff out, it may eventually become a reality.

In this particular one, it was about some assignment I had submitted for school, where I received a poor grade – and when I checked it out, it turned out that the assignment was a mess. There were half pages missing due to my printer malfunctioning, there were loads of spelling and grammar errors – all of it indicating that I really didn’t check over my work before submitting it. I immediately went to justifications (well the printer didn’t work/it’s not my fault) and then finally to anger, where I made a scene in the class. This is unnecessary and ineffective, but I am essentially trying to salvage the moment when it has already been lost, when much more progress could instead be made in the long run if I take self responsibility, correct myself and improve myself, preventing this kind of thing from ever happening again.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and justifications for where I have fallen/not taken a point into consideration/not lived equal to a point/not taken responsibility – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the moment, not realizing that it is already lost as consequence from past decisions made, and within this fear, to try and attempt to throw a temper tantrum to make my argument as justification/blame seem more real and have myself believe in it

I commit myself to apply myself and take full responsibility for myself in doing whatever is necessary to be done so that I do not face future consequence for doing all that I am capable of doing

When and as I see myself justifying/blaming others for where I have fallen/not taken full responsibility/not fully applied myself – I stop, I breathe, I do not participate in the desire to justify, blame and throw temper tantrums in an attempt to salvage what has already been lost, and rather I see where I can learn from the mistake to improve myself forevermore – and thus I breathe through my reactions of blame/justification until the thoughts/energy passes