Day 211: Stability in the face of the mind

I have already written before about how valuable our time on earth is and how important it is to not waste it. I tend to take for granted how much really depends on me, in terms of maybe having to take a leadership role for the moment. Sure maybe I’m not the richest, the most well educated, the most – whatever – but I do see what is going on in this world and I am willing to do what it takes to sort it out. Perhaps I am just placed in a position – due to the circumstances I was born into in this world – where I can see a few things that others do not – and therefore will have to stand within those points and assert myself. Because really, for all people talk, their actual recognition of the issues and how bad things are in this world is really limited, as their actions reflect. There is always such a limit to what we’re willing to do and how far we’re willing to go and what we’re really willing to give up to make a change for the better in this world.

Everything that we are exposed to as our media (which has been the primary education system in the world) really teaches us nothing of the real problems in this world, how bad it really is, how it really works, intimately showing the faces and lives of those who live in absolute destitution and lives where they are valued as if less than nothing. People who have money and comfortable life are so sheltered that they have no clue at all.

Where our real intentions will stand is according to where we will stand – what we will allow within our lives and within ourselves. For this reason, it is important to give up the things and the influences that keep us from fully standing. The matrix really is all around us and if you’re not careful about the information that you are allowing to exist in your mind as your thoughts, and then in your outside world as what you are living/talking about/participating in within your interactions – you will get sucked in. So along with the things I will have to give up within myself as the thoughts, words, ideas beliefs and perceptions I will have to let go of, so will there be changes in my outside world. Those are not decisions to be made hastily, influenced by an emotional or thought or feeling experience, but within self honest common sense.

Thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the importance of every word I think, speak, and allow within my mind as how I have defined it in my mind as this determines the entire outcome of who I will be and what I will live – thus I commit myself to breathing and investigating, whether in the moment or when I have a free moment to write on paper – the words that I am thinking , speaking, participating in and living to make sure that it is in fact self honest and that which is best for all life.

I thus forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully investigate my reactions but rather to believe in my reactions as if they are real, not being careful as to whether they are self honest or not – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to react as a way of functioning with others to make things seem ‘normal’ and ‘flowing’ and to fear the reactions of others if I am not immediately responding/reacting as speaking

And so I commit myself to breathing to check if I am reacting to the words I am reading/hearing experiencing to see if I am reacting to them or not and I commit myself to stop reacting and to rather breathe here and to live/respond in self honest common sense as breath – even if that means at times to remain silent or speak in a way that others will not understand at that moment

I commit myself to give up/not participate in any reactions/interactions that can in no way be of any benefit to life

Day 210: What we all seem to miss about activism and changing the world

While some of us may recognize the fact that there are some serious issues in our world that require our attention, or there are even those who understand the problem more holistically in recognizing that it is the entire world that needs to change, there is often a point that is still missed within that: ourselves.

There is a tendency to focus on our exterior reality as if it is some foreign entity that we are completely disconnected from – the mistake here that we do not fully recognize that the world is a reflection of ourselves, that the world as it exists today with all of its fuckups is something that we have created. So it is the human that really needs to change.

So what is the human? By design we are a biological robot, but what is it that animates us? What is the driving force behind the biological robot? It would be nice to say that it was life/a life force – but if that were the case, then we as life would not have created the abomination we have as how our world exist today. What is driving the human is something we call the mind. The mind exist as information – that information obviously is comprised of words which form all of the ideas, opinions and beliefs that we carry within ourselves.

What exist within and as our mind dictates everything we do, think, feel believe, it becomes ‘who we are’ in essence. So if we need to change the human, it is common sense that we needs to change our minds.

This is all not to mention the degree to which we have neglected our minds, ignored what went into our minds as it’s input as our cultural living experience, media, education etc. Such little emphasis is put on what is going into our minds – I mean it is not even common knowledge that this is how it all works: that we are in essence programmable robots.

We can pretend that there is nothing wrong with our current state of being as the information we exist as within and as our minds, but given the direct connection that I’ve just demonstrated to our minds and this reality we have created – all the evidence clearly indicate that there is something severely wrong with the human mind. We are infected with destructive information, destructive beliefs, destructive meanings and definitions of ourselves and the world around us. The even scarier part here is that we simply have no control over the mind – on the contrary, it controls us completely. I mean do you actually choose the thoughts you have? Or do they just come up randomly? Do you actually say “well I’m going to have this thought now” and then a thought pops up? No – if you are self honest you will see that the thoughts just come up, the mind keeps on running non-stop. We can ‘try and be good people’ all we want. We can believe all kinds of things and do all kinds of physical acts to try and counter the mind, to try and deny the truth of ourselves as what we currently exist as – but the mind still remains – the problems still persist, the thoughts in the mind keep on coming and keep on influencing us. And have a look at your thoughts, the nature of them: they are greedy, spiteful, selfish, fearful – would you actually believe that someone existing within such an experience of themselves is trustworthy with life and capable of making any real difference for the betterment of life on earth?

We have got to actually face ourselves as what we have become as the mind. We’ve got to actually look at the thoughts we are having, look at all the information as beliefs, perceptions and ideas, deconstruct them, understand to see how and why they were formed and through what experiences/influences we allowed them to be formed.

That is why the world doesn’t change, because we don’t do this. We focus on the outside world and that’s why we never change and are therefore never capable of effecting real change in our reality – we don’t ‘mean business’, we’re not serious about changing the world if we don’t change ourselves, we’re not for real. That is why activism as it currently exists has never changed a goddamn thing. No activist has ever made a lasting change in this world for the betterment of all life because they never removed their own self interest from the equation. Anyone hiding behind the excuse of apparent ‘activism’ and ‘looking to take action’ only somewhere out there in their world, as if they are not part of the problem as who they are, as how they live and what they have become, is just bullshitting themselves and everyone else around them. Continuing to look at this all like it is just some past-time activity and not even having the self respect and self honesty to go – shit man, I really need to change, who I am is unacceptable.

It takes real guts, you have to really look at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself tough questions, face tough shit, consider all the things you don’t want to consider, give up all the things you don’t want to give up – that is the real truth of every single human and who we really are and why the world doesn’t change – our self interest and our denial to look at it self-honestly and change it.

We can’t keep ignoring this, ignoring the truth of ourselves and hiding behind bullshit excuses like ‘activism’ and the pissing contest it has become. “What are you doing to change the world??” The question is based on a completely flawed premise. The real question is “who are you within this world?” – and that is something we can only answer for ourselves in self honesty. Don’t change what you do – change who you are – because it is who you are that will dictate everything that you will do.

Day 209: Commodifying life

In the game that we have made out of life we have turned everything into commodities from which we can benefit somehow, either directly or indirectly. We commodify everything from nature, to animals, to objects that we create and produce, to other people, to even ideas. This has become a way of life on earth, a way to survive as the current context of the our life experience on earth and how the economy functions is that of survival. I mean there are really only 2 days to live: the first being our current way that we live where we are obsessed with ourselves and our own self interest, always operating in a way that will ensure only our survival, success and benefit – or the new way which is what the Equal Life Foundation is proposing, which is to live in a way that is best for all life, which obviously would include self, but not putting self above others as the primary point or having some form of higher priority.

In my family, I was taught by all those who came before me that ‘love is everything’ and that relationships in the family were of the utmost importance – all this despite how actually fucked up and dysfunctional my family has always been. My grandfather was known for being a brutally abusive alcoholic and my grandmother turned a blind eye and could not find it within herself to stand up to any of the abuse that went on in the family. In fact the relationship between the grandparents became so abusive that it was some of their children who took it upon themselves to stand up for my grandmother and remove her from the abusive relationship, with my grandfather angrily chasing them from behind in his car.

Now they key point in my grandmother who allowed so much abuse was love. She was obsessed with love. She was a being of pure love and light bliss. She was all hugs and kisses and nice words and always giving out delicious food and candy. It was always a big love in, interacting with her, as I remember as a child she would become so consumed by her excitement and feelings of love when we would visit her. Except that one time she washed my mouth out with soap when I was a toddler for swearing – fuck that was an awful experience lol.

The energetic experience of love was her drug and her escape from this reality, along with all the things that she loved like food and her family which brought her these feelings. She wasn’t much one for standing up when it mattered most, facing the darkness when courage was needed. I remember one moment in particular where one of my aunts was sobbing in tears while we were visiting my grandmother and my mother becoming so angry at my grandmother because while this was going on, my grandmother was just as lost and consumed in her experience of love and bliss as ever, completely disregarding and not even noticing what my aunt had been going through at the moment, just a few feet away from her sitting on another couch.

So to establish this point loud and clear – the love that was taught and lived in my family was rather a form of escapism and self interest to be able to turn a blind eye and not have to take responsibility and face one’s reality. Love is a really powerful drug, as anyone who studies the effects of ‘love’ in our world can quickly see, it is responsible for amazing things and some of the most brutal atrocities ever perpetrated and allowed. Wasn’t it that Van Gogh artist guy who cut off his ear for love? I think that was his name. Crazy shit.

So anyways, this love as it was understood and lived was passed on down to new generations – albeit unwittingly – down to my mother and her siblings and then down to me and my sister.

As a child it made me extremely weak and dependent, to the point where I became ashamed of my relationship with my mother because it really represented this weakness as this lovey-dovey ‘I need you and you need me’ bullshit kind of relationship. I saw from an early age how weak it made me and I was ashamed of this, especially in world where the reality is that you have got to have a thick skin, independence and personal resolve in order to have any kind of life worth living.

Not only this, but I saw at a young age that this love was bullshit, as there were some traumatic events that exposed the truth of all this love shit: that it wasn’t true, that my mother was not in fact this ‘being of love’ that she had presented herself to be. So from a young age I was extremely weary of it all. And yet eventually in my teens this weakness continued to develop itself without me necessarily being aware of it because while I had associated this point with my mother and lost faith in her, I still went on looking for the same point in other people, to experience the drug of love in relationships with other people.

This post is particularly about how we commodify the people in our lives in order to get this experience of love as a drug as self interest which I’m talking about – it is a total addiction. We are addicted to our commodities, we are addicted to the stuff we possess (or believe we do). We are constantly using each other in some way or another and in the case of relationships it is often to get the experience of ‘love’ as the drug we have become so addicted to.

Within this, we will also look for those who will produce the strongest experience of love, those whose love will be ‘more potent’ as a drug, because of the status they hold. It’s just the same way that someone feels good if they have a nice new car, but they will feel even better if they have a nice new and really expensive luxury car. We will, based on how society gives more value to some people based on their looks, their status, their financial standing, their possessions, their skills, want and desire those who have a higher value in the eyes of society based on how we as a society give value to human beings, as commodification. I mean the experience of ‘love’ that one gets from a rich, good looking person with a high level job and skill set, is going to be much better from the experience of love you’ll get from an uneducated homeless person. Some might say ‘but I don’t want that rich person, I’m happier with what I have’ – that is only a matter of circumstance because the reality is that you can’t have the best one and therefore you have to settle and you have to protect the fact that you settled as if it is your will because otherwise it will expose you limitation and your value in societies eyes because you’re not able to get the more highly valued and therefore attractive partner. I mean it is like saying “I wouldn’t want to be the richest person in the world” – of course you would! But you can’t so you have to settle and make it look like you wanted it that way because that protects your value and the reality of your value as it was given to you by your society as ‘not being the best’.

The truth is that everyone can be the best. But as long as we are busy commodifying ourselves and the world around us in an attempt to make us ‘more special’, then we will not allow ourselves to become the best we can be because we are living from a starting point of inferiority and wanting to compensate for that through possessions we acquire and monuments we build to ourselves. I have never had a family to call my own (lol) but I can certainly understand the point of ego that a parent or a grandparent can have and the experience that their possessions as commodities as their children/family members give them. I can relate to it from the relationship point of being a ‘boyfriend’, where I have commodified my partners and can take some kind of pride in saying ‘look at me, I have this girlfriend, she is mine, and she is a great one too!’ No different from someone showing off their shiny new sports car. Are we so depraved that we will allow this to exist? Or will be allow ourselves to stop commodifying the world around us as something that is ‘more than’ and live as equals to the world around us? I mean have a look even if you have all this wonderful stuff, you are actually making the statement that ‘I am less than this stuff’ because after all your greatness is dependent on having all that stuff – no high paying job, no bank account full of money, no amazing skills, no girlfriend, no family, no cars, no stuff – and suddenly the human lives as if it has no value as society has defined it – obviously observable in for instance homeless people in the world who are socially neglected, demonized and given no value, worth or unconditional support.

The fact is that this way of living will never satisfy, no matter how much we accumulate, no matter how great our families are, no matter how beautiful or special our relationship partner is, no matter how beautiful our homes are, now matter how great our jobs and status are, etc. it is the opposite of satisfying it is bolstering this lack of self recognition that exist within us that was our starting point all along.

So, pertaining to my own relationships, this point has to be lived, as if I fear to ‘lose my relationship’, then I can know one thing: it was never real in the first place as it was just a commodity, I mean that’s why the idea even exist in the first place that you have it and therefore you could lose it. What a crazy idea, as if we have some kind of magical ownership over the things around us in our environment. Ownership really is a state of mental delusion, not real. Through this belief we enslave the world around us, we enslave the animals, we enslave other humans, we enslave ourselves to our idea of dependency on things to satisfy and validate our egos. I don’t want anyone to be my slave anymore, because I don’t want to be a slave.

Day 208: What is your survival worth?


We live in a world obsessed with fear, where our mind is constantly riddled with thoughts of fear. And yet the irony here is that we constantly fear to lose our lives. So let’s look at that for a moment: our live experience is one of total fear – and yet we fear losing that? The problem here is obviously claiming that such an experience is something that can be called ‘living’ and that it apparently has value.

What is the point of being alive if your life isn’t worth anything of real value? I mean ok, if we lived amazing lives where we truly walked this earth making it an amazing place for everyone, serving all other life forms and truly contributing to others, that would be a life of real value, maybe then we could talk about how much life is worth and preventing unnecessary loss of such a thing. But what is the value of losing everything we have now?

We are fucking up the earth so horribly, both the environment and the animal kingdom. We have fucked up relationships that are just plain lies that are sugar coated in bullshit. We have fucked up ourselves within our relationships with ourselves where we don’t even value ourselves, we degrade ourselves to live as a shell of ourselves, wanting to be something we’re not, and never recognizing the real value we have and living to our full potential. Again – we fear losing this?

This is the interesting part about undertaking the process of killing your own ego/mind as the image of yourself/your world that you have accepted and currently live within. It seems like such a difficult thing, it is something you will resist so immensely – and yet when you step beyond the mind you realize what seemed so difficult to stop was actually letting go of nothing but an abusive and destructive illusion, to instead give yourself true freedom and be the best person that you can be.

And yet those who have lost so much self respect for themselves to the point where they don’t even give themselves the credit that it is possible to change, that there is something better, that they could be much more than they are now, will be so absolutely consumed fear as the underlying awareness of what they have accepted/allowed/become/done to themselves and their world, that they will chime in to say that it is impossible to change anything or that it is crazy talk.

You know what is crazy? This fucking world and what is absolutely bat-shit crazy is our ability to lie to ourselves that everything is ‘normal’ and OK. It doesn’t matter to what degree we have accepted the current reality as normal and, by contrast, how far-fetched it may be to consider that it is all just a lie – the fact of the matter is that it is all just a lie and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the one of the many who are going to have a real fucking hard wake-up call when they find out the truth of their world, their reality and themselves.

How real are your relationships when it is a known fact that the human lies every ten minutes? How real is your love in a world where we allow children to starve? How real is your ability to assess reality for what it really is when we live in a completely hedonistic culture that is constantly entrenched in personal addictions like alcohol, drugs, sugar, sex (just to name a few) to be able to cope with and escape their reality?

We have replaced the real reality with the energetic ‘high’ experience we use to escape it, and yet we continue to fear losing what we will and must lose.

All illusions come to an end, eventually and inevitably.

Day 207: The reward of giving up self interest and desire

I find this process to be a challenge in every moment because in every moment there is a choice to be made which is to stick with a decision I am making. It is not a decision you make and then everything is just fine and you can go back to how your life always has been – you make the decision and then the challenge is to live by the principles that you have decided on in every moment. To stop your desires. To stop your fears. To stop your greed. To stop all of the nasty shit that is going on in your mind and to do everything possible to expose, investigate and understand what is going on in your mind as necessary to be able to stop it. Initially in my process I would just judge my thoughts and suppressed them without fully understanding them, but I am realizing more and more than a point cannot be stopped if it is not understood, so within this, dedication and commitment to do the work is key.

It is very challenging at times because you are busy living it out and that ‘living it out’ gives you all the momentum needed and all the reasons and justifications necessary to give up and live real change. This resistance was so engrained within me that I didn’t even know I was experiencing it until someone else pointed it out to me.

But while I have made much mention of how difficult this task is, I have not focused as much on the reward of it all. When you do stick with it and do what is necessary to be done, it is extremely rewarding – a whole new world and way of experiencing yourself opens up which, in contrast to life as we know it being such a hardship/hell, is like living in heaven. Living without fear because you have stopped your evil ways is like a heaven.

That is why we live in so much fear – we fear ourselves within others – we are constantly seeing who we are within ourselves as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become, projected into others, and then we fear this mental projection of ourselves and before we know it we are having all kinds of nasty thoughts. We start constructing defense mechanisms, saying nasty things about others in our minds, comparing ourselves to them and making them superior in our minds, plotting and scheming. It is really no way to experience oneself, it is not what we can call ‘life’ or ‘living’.

Living without the fear of others (as the actual fear of ourselves) is quite awesome. Living without anger and hatred in our hearts – which is actually just an offense/defense mechanism of fear – is really the way that we would all like to experience ourselves – even if some so completely lost and consumed in their experiences of fear/anger may not realize it. This mechanism serves to facilitate our fear in an attempt to control, so that we do not ‘lose’ that which we fear losing which our creation as ego and that which we believe we possess, so in a way this all starts with the idea of ourselves and self interest, and the desire for more that is birthed in self interest and the idea of acquiring possessions to facilitate, feed and bolster our self definition.

Putting the rewards of the personal experience of letting go of all this shit aside, the world is in quite a mess and the consequences of not doing this will be quite dire for each one, even if we may not fathom it. Things are really bad in the word right now and there is really no limit to how bad it can get. ‘Have a heart’ as the saying goes, because I mean after all without a heart, you won’t exist any longer.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is always fear, indirectly, as from creating a point of self definition as ego/mind, the fear of loss (and subsequent desire for ‘more’/to control/possess/dominate) is then created and from this fear of loss, anger and even violence is created, whether physical or in words/thought, as the mechanism to protect that which I fear losing

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear others because I fear myself as that which I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as and thus they key to stopping all fear of others is to stop my desires, greed and self interest as ego/mind – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the reward of giving up desire as ego/mind as this is what I have been yearning for, for as long as I can remember, as this is peace and freedom, heaven

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all judgments, comparisons, attacks and justifications of judgments that exist in my mind are all forms of abuse that in fact exist as fear as the fear of changing myself/losing what I have created

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the inability to trust others/doubting/fearing others is actually based in a lack of self trust as not giving up my own desires and not being honest with myself within this

I commit myself to stop all anger as fear and fear of loss that exist within my mind

I commit myself to stop all desires that exist within the mind as desire is that which create and sustain fear within me

I commit myself to stop all the judgments, projections, comparisons and justifications that exist as thoughts in my mind which seek to protect my ego as desire and self interest, preventing me from changing and giving myself the gift of heaven on earth as living without fear

I commit myself to stop the fear of others by trusting myself and thus trusting others, and creating this self trust through being self honest in stopping all desires as they come up in the moment as my thoughts

When and as I see myself fearing/not trusting others – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is about me as it pertains to self trust as self honesty as not giving up my own desires – and thus I do not participate in this fear/lack of trust but rather take the point back to self – I give myself the gift of not fearing others and trusting others completely through trusting myself as being honest within myself in giving up desires/thought as the mind

When and as I see myself becoming angry with others – I stop, breathe and I realize that this is me trying to protect my ego from having to change/take the point back to self and thus I do not accept and allow myself to become angry but rather use this experience of anger as a gift to see where I am still trying to protect my mind/ego as desire/self dishonesty

Day 206: What is power really?

Power as we know it is an illusion. Our real power as who we really are in this reality has been abdicated and become a shell of itself where it is experienced as a mental energy. This can be seen and confirmed in the physical reality as how we are all beings that come from the earth, existing in the same reality, equal to it as parts of it, expressed in individual forms. I am a human. That is a dog. This is a rock. We are all individual in our form and expression yet we are equally here in this reality as part of this reality, equally expressing ourselves in this reality. This can also be confirmed in the mess that we have through the mind as the illusion of power, created of the physical reality. We have created a world of polarity and this has gone to extremes. We have people who are living in such heightened positions in our world in a status system, which we have created in the mind and made real through our world systems – mainly the economic system – that live as though they are gods, when we all know for a fact that this isn’t true. They are from this earth equally as everything else in this reality is. They are going to return to the earth one day just like everything else is. Then we have people who are living in such extremely low positions of status, value and worth that they are treated as less than nothing, their entire lives, value, worth and potential completely disregarded and endure such extensive abuse that it would traumatize one just to witness it. We unfortunately hide the truth of this (or is it that we hide ourselves from the truth of this?) As in our media and education systems we tend to only look at the ‘high points’ of those apparently ‘great people’ of great status in our world and do not shed light on how bad the situation really is – but let me assure you, if you want to find out you can – I dare you to if you have not already.

I mean we even do this power thing with animals and objects, where apparently according to the systems we create in the mind, some are worth more/higher than others and are then treated, regarded and experience by us in our world as such. For this particular blog I won’t be getting into that and will just focus on the human aspect of it.

The main point here is that what we experience within ourselves as some kind of experience of power/experience of ourselves being powerful, is a complete mental illusion and delusion, to put it in very nice technical terms, not revealing the extent of the evil that is such an experience. It is a bully, making himself feel better because he physically harmed another. It is the gossiper, making themselves feel better because they put down another persons reputation. It is the popular person who is having a blast with no awareness of the experience of those who are socially outcast. It is the glutton who is stuck in their addiction to pleasure with no inkling of what starvation really is. It is the porn addict, having no idea what their experience of masturbating to porn is contributing to massive amounts of abuse that exist in and as the porn industry. It is the rapist, deriving pleasure from physically harming and abusing another. It is the soldier, feeling proud because he did a good job killing the ‘bad guys’. It is the consumer, feeling great because they got a good deal thanks to those toiling in lowly positions as sweatshop workers. It is the billionaire CEO of a corporation, enjoying his god-like living experience because of the billions who live a live of destitution and hardship that no one would want for themselves. I could go on and on but the point here that really matters is that power as we know it as this mental experience is absolute abuse and just because we do not see that abuse, does not mean that it does not exist and hasn’t already been created. But because we have not self honestly placed ourselves in the shoes of another as the consideration of what other who are not having an experience of power in this world, we miss it all. What absolute fools we must look like to anyone with an objective view of it all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have an experience of myself of being powerful/having power – that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the desire of such an experience is what is directly causing abuse in this world and the extent of inequality as it exist today

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the massive amount of harm that is done just so that I/one can have an experience of power within their mind

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that power is not real

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand on the behalf of those who have no power in this world in the giving up of my own desire for an experience of power as I would want them to do for me if I were in their position

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to control my world as an extension of power as the attempt to maintain my experience of power in my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the experience of power is the abuse of myself and others and carries within it consequences

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand as one and equal to all no matter what the world may present to me as otherwise as the illusion of power as complete deception is present and everywhere all the time deceiving all of those who have given into their own illusions of power

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to have power is to have fear as there is a deep awareness of the harm I am doing and thus to live without fear, I must give up all power/the desire for an experience of power

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to experience power as a mental energy through words: the words that trigger an experience of power within me as the perceived freedom to abuse without consequence, the perceived freedom to cause harm to others, the perceived freedom to say and do harmful things to another and to use words to present myself as superior to another or others as inferior to me

When and as I see myself wanting and desiring an experience of power over others – I stop, I breathe, I realize the harm I am doing both to myself and others and that this experience is not real – and thus I do not participate in this energy of desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself using words to have an experience of power over others through presenting myself as having a higher level of status than others/presenting myself as better than other or abusing others through words that would imply a form of power that allows the freedom to abuse another – I stop, I breathe, I do not accept and allow myself to use and abuse words in such a way to have this kind of experience of myself as I see the harm it is doing and that it is not real- and I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the use/abuse of such words

I commit myself to give up fear through giving up the idea of/belief in power and my desire for power

I commit myself to give up the mental experience of power and the desire for power

Day 205: Stopping the sexualization and commodification of the female body

I’m going to have to lead by example and this will take real specific work to diffuse all the points of each and every pattern that I am stuck in. Today I checked out the word paradox because while I had a vague idea of what the word means, my understanding of it is limited as I have never really used the word.

Ok so I am back looking at the patterns involved in my relationships and sexuality. I have before talked about images in the mind and now I am looking at the point of how I have ‘created’ the image in my physical world – meaning that the images are already here in the physical world but that I have given extra value and meaning to these images. I notice it now especially since I am in a relationship, because within the relationship agreement there is the trust within the agreement that my partner and I won’t go out fucking other people, and since the relationship has started I notice how much I am actually looking at women’s bodies when I go out into public, and specifically focusing in on particular parts of the bodies. Of course everybody seems to be doing this to some degree or another, both men and women. We tend to refer to this sexualization of body parts in our minds as ‘objectification’ but that inherently doesn’t necessarily mean much because an object is really just an object – rather use the word ‘commodification’ because of the way these objects are turned into objects of desire for possession in a perception of personal gain.

Now I notice that when I am observing these body parts, it is stimulating a mental image as an impression of that image that arises as a thought, with all kinds of values/definitions/beliefs/ideas attached to it, which then charges me energetically as I go throughout my day doing this. I have now began to stop looking when I am in public when I notice that I am doing it, but at times it is very tempting to just continue looking – that ‘what if’ point of ‘what if I will find something more’. That something more is again as I have described, simply in the mind as the mental points as information/ideas/definitions/beliefs that I have associated with these body parts and the physical pictures I see of them. That something more is the ‘heavenly experience’ of being mentally charged through looking at them the ‘rush I get’ because essentially it is creating a point of friction within me which is then experience as excitement, like an adrenaline rush.

Now while I am busy working to stop the images in the mind, to stop looking at the pictures I see when I’m in my world going about my daily living, what is probably the most challenging is to not engage in this experience when I have physical access to the body parts, and I can through this physical touch/interaction, then experience the mental energy that I have mentioned about how I have defined these body parts in my mind, through physical touch – that is probably the most addicting because it is almost like I have made the images in my mind real because the association is so embedded where I touch – then automatically the mental information is triggered and then before I know it, my sexuality/intimacy is a mental experience.

Now what is fascinating about this whole experience is how similar it is to the way we commodify and take possession of the things in our environment/world in our capitalistic way of life – meaning that much of the excitement of the experience of these things is due to how much we have separated ourselves from them, and this act of separating ourselves from them is solidified through our desire to then have an experience of ownership/possession over them. We always tend to want what we don’t have. Let’s just take a look at a simple thing like breasts, for instance. Is it any different from that beautiful shiny new car that your neighbor has that you desire all the more simply because you (and he) believe and perceive that he has ownership over it and you don’t?

That is what the excitement of sexuality between men and women has become – the perceptual experience of attaining access to (or preferably some kind of ownership of) that which we perceive ourselves as separate from. “I don’t have that – I want it!” I mean if I had a pair of breasts then it probably wouldn’t be such an exciting thing to look at breasts would it? And in the cases where it is still the case that one with breasts likes to look at other people with breasts, this would then be more about how we have separated ourselves from each other as living beings/individuals, and even furthermore how we have separated ourselves from ourselves as life, through the creation of mental entities of ourselves called the mind. So as I investigate I see that this is extensive as the stopping of all objectification/commodification relates back to self definition that is created in fear of death/survival, but for now I will have to stick to dealing with the point at hand as each point of the mind can only be dealt with one by one.

There is a lot of research out there with which one can support themselves to see and understand how our sexuality has been developed by outside factors and mental information and the degree to which it controls us, if one is looking for it – for instance I suggest to study the work of Robert Jensen – however if one is not willing to give themselves the basic self respect of trying to understand themselves and facing the reality that you do in fact have a mind that controls your perception of reality (and inherent in that would be that your reality isn’t real because after all, reality is not a perception) then unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to help you get out of the mess that you can’t even admit you’re in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the physical body through creating a mental image of myself that is self-serving in terms of an image that I see as beneficial to my survival, containing within it certain traits that I have copied due to apparently being beneficial towards my chances of surviving and successful in this world as society has defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the female body as the differences in shape, namely in the legs, buttocks, hips, waist, breasts/chest, neck, arms and facial features – within this not realizing that these are chemical conditions which are then only given added value through how I/society have defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give added to value to the female body through defining it as ‘more than’ the male body and giving it added value do to the perceived exclusivity of it through defining it as separate from me/not me/not innately inhabited/possessed by me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to commodify a female body – or even my own male body – into something that I can apparently own or possess based on the desire to acquire it within a survival construct, due to how society has given extra value to the body as a commodity to be used in self interest and personal gain.

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by images/the touch of the female body or even my own body – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize how this has become a form of commodification/objectification/possession based in fear/self interest/survival – and I do not allow myself to participate in the thoughts/mental energy that is generated through the experience of seeing/touching them

I commit myself to touch and embrace the female body without a desire for an energetic experience and to embrace it as myself through breathing through the energies/thoughts/mental images arise through this experience – within this I commit myself to stop the expectation for an experience of ‘something more’ and to give up/breathe through the fear/belief that I am letting go of an experience of ‘something more’/something better

I commit myself to see what is beyond the mind as how I have come to define/experience the physical and the human body

I commit myself to stop giving added value to the female body and parts of the female body which I believe myself to be separate from simply because I am not having a perceptual experience of ‘possessing them’ through not touching/accessing them

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by the image/touch of female the female body and female body parts like breasts, buttocks and legs – I stop, I breathe, I do not continue my participation/movement based within this energy arising/stimulation, and rather breathe through it so that my movement is not creating a form of friction within me as energy/stimulation of the mind – I stop the mind control and move me here as breathe