Tag Archives: living

Day 338: The Freedom of giving up



I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.


The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.


But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.


From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.


So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.


Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.


The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

Day 321: Desiring intimacy within a relationship

Here I am looking at the point of how I have defined the word ‘intimacy’ as something outside of myself, separate from myself. When I look at the word intimacy, I can see how I have defined this within having a relationship – preferably with my ‘ideal’ relationship partner, which is another point I have written about extensively in previous blog posts. So, I have defined intimacy as something that exists within a relationship, separating myself from intimacy and placing it within a relationship, so that apparently the experience of intimacy is only possible within a relationship. Within the relationship, intimacy is further defined as a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, sex, and ‘deep’ conversations, which is another way of saying conversations that are emotionally charged, usually with the energy of fear.

A long time ago I read a really insightful article on what intimacy really is, with regards to self intimacy – you can check out the article here: http://desteni.org/a/winged-exploring-self-intimacy – this article really opened my eyes to the fact that I have neglected myself, I have avoided self reflection and really facing who I am and what I’ve become, extensively, while in pursuit of love, relationships, and all kinds of ‘higher’ energetic experiences – living a life where I am always looking for the next high because within myself I am ’empty’ in a kind of way, because by not being intimate with myself, I had abandoned myself, and thus was this insatiable appetite for energetic highs through experiences was created, which I then searched out in romantic relationships.

Thus now it is time do bring myself back to myself, to again become intimate with myself in self honesty, facing who I am and what I have become as a living principle of doing what is best for all life, as from this starting point, I can direct myself in a way that is effective in taking all life into consideration, so that my life is not wasted in a bubble of exclusion, but is rather based on the intimate understanding that all life is one and equal, and thus who I am and how I live should be oriented as such.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself with relationships – focusing on my relationship and my partner so that I am not self directive and focused on myself, and giving my attention and concern to my partner and the survival of the relationship, rather than to first be intimate with myself and focus on myself and that what I am living and who I am is that which is best for all life. Thus I commit myself to bring myself back here through breathing, and to focus myself on myself by utilizing tools like breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application – when and as I see myself being prompted to participate in my tendency to look to others/my partner as a way of essentially taking attention away from myself and distracting myself from my only real ‘power’ as an ability to have any real effect in my living and changing this world to a place that is best for all, I stop, and I breathe, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and rather breathe through the fear that drives me to focus on my partner that is justified as the fear of losing the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as something that exists separate from myself, that can only be achieved and experienced through romantic relationships with a beautiful woman, and that I have further defined intimacy within a relationship as touching, kissing, hugging and sex – not seeing and realizing that intimacy is here – it starts with me, alone with myself, being intimate with myself in getting to know myself and standing as life within/principles that consider and are best for all life – thus I commit myself to redefine and live the word ‘intimacy’ as starting with myself, being honest with myself, directing myself, and living a life that takes my self as life/all life into consideration as equal and one, and thus I commit myself to stop the desire to experience intimacy as something separate from myself as sex and sexual touching within a relationship and rather insist that intimacy be expressed from a starting point of self honesty: as self intimacy, equal and one to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as having ‘deep conversations’ with my partner that are emotionally charged, and that I have allowed myself to yearn for this experience/try and create it where I have not first been intimate and honest with myself – thus I commit myself to stop trying to ‘create an experience of intimacy in my relationship as having deep conversations with my partner as a form of trying to control the relationship from a starting point of trying to maintain the survival of the relationship, and rather I begin with self intimacy as self honesty, as the point from which all other self expression as intimacy may emerge, without the fear of losing control of my relationship as the attempt of the mind to try and continue to maintain control by keeping the definition of intimacy as something separate from self within/as a relationship – when/as I see this desire to have an experience of intimacy as deep conversation arise within me, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is the mind trying to control me through maintaining intimacy as something defined separate from self within a relationship, as the mind is extremely tricky in presenting projections of intimacy that appear real and fulfilling – and thus I remain here as breath and do not participate when such desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as creating some kind of experience with my partner wherein we feel like there is a ‘connection’ between us because we have stimulated each other sufficiently into feeling good through having positive thoughts about ourselves, the other and the relationship as such experiences are in alignment with a symbolism of intimacy and love that has been imprinted in my mind through my mind and society – thus I commit myself to no longer define intimacy as purely creating positive experiences with others such as sex or other things that stimulate happy thoughts/feelings, as this can be tricky as it is only giving the mind energy and an experience of happiness but is not necessarily real, as countless relationship experiences have shown me that started out positive this way but ended up negative because once the energy ran out and we were no longer able to stimulate each other through separation (as we had come to know each other better and begin to see that in fact we are not so different and that real ‘love’ is not so elusive and thus exciting) then all of a sudden intimacy and love ceased to exist – thus when and as I see myself desiring to create a positive experience with my partner in some way where we can connect and be stimulated together sufficiently – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire only exists in the pursuit of keeping a relationship alive that is based in separation – and thus I do not participate in this desire of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather commit myself to remain here as breath and act in self honesty as breath in the physical, without fear of loss as the desire for a relationship directing me

Day 317: The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following Principles:

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 291: Self Forgiveness from March 27, 2014

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a ‘picture-perfect’ ideal of a woman will satisfy me and make me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to possess beauty and to treat beauty like a commodity to be attained

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘what I want’ in a woman based on the selfish desire to have power, control and commodities, and not based in what will support me to be the best man I can be as a man who cares for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so controlled by my selfish desire for a good life and the fear of failure that I will just look for nice things that make me feel happy and forget about others and only consider myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear another person, like for example my partner in my relationship, becoming selfish and controlled by their own desire for happiness and success and will forget me in this process – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to understand that my fear of another person doing this to me is in fact a fear about myself doing it to others, and that the only way to stop this fear is to ‘treat others how I want others to treat me’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate sexual desires with people who present images of beauty

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by images of ‘beautiful people’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that when I make beauty into a commodity that I desire, I will want to experience this beauty because I fear loss, I fear to not be loved and I fear to be alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and to fear not being loved by another

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not love myself, I can not love another and that if I desire to have love from others because I do not love myself, I will be weak because I my want for love will be more important than others and my need for love will stop me from loving myself and others

Day 287: Positive Illusions and the desire to control

Recently stress has been occurring in my life due to my attempts to control things that are simply out of my control. I have been attempting to control things from the starting point of believing that “this thing is a good thing, and thus I must hold onto it, I must maintain and sustain it”. It is really only due to this belief that I have struggled and become so stressed because if I were to let go of this belief, I would not simply fear losing the point but rather consider who I am without it and who I will decide to be without .

By believing that this point is ‘good’ from a starting point of believing that I need it or that I will be worse-off without out it or I am missing something. So much needless stress and anxiety could have been averted if I had simply questioned my belief.

I know I am being vague and not specific about what exactly this particular point is, but it is interesting because now that I see the principle of what I am describing through being general/vague, I can see how it applies to so much in my life, so many others points, and also applicable to so many other people in this world. It is the one thing that keeps us from really changing for the better: the belief that what we already have is positive. We hold onto positive illusions and fear the negativity of reality, when in fact the only positivity that can ever exist, exists within letting go of all illusions, no matter how seemingly positive, and simply remaining here in physical reality so that we can direct it in a way that is best for all life.

Now what remains for me is only the fear of others judging and misunderstanding me for letting go of/disengaging in what is believed to be positive. But if I fear this point, if I react to this point, it is only showing that I too still fear letting go of this point and have doubt/uncertainty about it. If I am ever to expect others to come to the same understanding or to be able to support others in any way to break free of their own positive illusions, I have to be absolute in my standing, I can not allow myself to fear or react when others judge or misunderstand. Even if I go into the other extreme/polarity of fighting with others or trying to prove something to others, I am in fact tacitly still supporting these positive illusions by fearing losing them or still believing that they are so real that I fear their might and power over me through their power and might over others – when others are really just under positive illusions, nothing more, no matter how real they make it seem.

Thus the point is to remain honest with self in every breath, to not react or fear but rather trust self through self honesty, and simply explain or clarify to those who misunderstand/judge if necessary or even possible – in many cases I will need to be ready to have others simply judge, misunderstand, get nasty even – and still just remain here within and as breath, trusting myself, being honest with myself, and within this, establishing myself and what is really real in this reality as my self directive principle – I trust myself to remain here in self honest common sense and do not allow myself to be influenced by the grip of fear from the positive illusions I have created which only serve to enslave me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of that which I believe is positive, or to try to fight to let go of it or somehow prove that it is not positive – when in fact all that is necessary is to remain here within and as breath and direct myself to not give into fear/desire. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require a point that I have defined as positive/good that exist outside/separate from myself in order to live and thus fearing that if I lose this point, I will somehow be worse off or damned.

I commit myself to no longer stand by that which I have come to believe is positive, and when the tendency/urge arise to act on this belief as actions that are designed to sustain and maintain these positive illusions that I have created – I stop, I breathe, I remain here as breath and I do not allow myself to succumb to fear as self doubt, but rather trust myself through sticking to breath and giving myself the credit and self support that I do not require points of positivity that exist separate from me in order to live and have a fulfilled, dignified life – thus I do not give into this fear as desire to hold onto, defend or fight for illusions, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I embrace myself here in self trust as breath.

Day 278: What is your right to life?


As the global economy continues to collapse and there are fewer and fewer jobs available, the struggle to compete and survive among our fellow man becomes more intense. For all the intensity of the struggle, sometimes it doesn’t even seem like it is for much, struggling and working so hard just to exist, just to have a place in this earth and not starve to death. It doesn’t seem like much to ask for, does it?

And it isn’t, in reality, in a world with more than enough for all. But what is the actual context that we are living in? What about this unreal world system we have created?

Within the current world system, many people – billions of people – do not even get this opportunity to exist – and many more are living on a fine line, barely existing and struggling like no one would imagine to do so, for an extremely meager existence. When I found out that this was the case, how difficult it is and how much some people struggle for next-to-nothing, and then looking at my own life, how much is taken for granted, how surviving comes easily (although living, not so much…) I started to question my own right to life. Perhaps there is a better person who, if given the opportunities I have, may not squander them and may do much more good for so many more people, if given such an opportunity.

To this day, this understanding sticks with me, and frankly, living a normal, status-quo life just doesn’t work anymore for me – it’s really not satisfying and it is difficult to live with myself knowing that I am squandering what I have….for this short amount of time that I have it.

But I see so many people operating without this understanding – merely justifying their existence within this idea that this system is the way life really is, and thus they must fight to live and if they happen to win, it is justified because that is how the game works. Yes that is how the game that we have made out of life works – it is not how life works. We tend to throw such temper tantrums when we don’t get our way or succeed, but when I do, or see others doing it, I ask myself “but why do you deserve it?” And the fact is, we don’t – no matter what we would like to believe.

Perhaps this is the ‘wave of the future’ in business – that it is only the ones who truly have a higher calling in what they do, to make this world a better place for all life, that will be the ones to survive the economic squeeze – perhaps all the dinosaurs who have profited off of deceiving, cheating, essentially stealing from their fellow man, will be the ones weeded out. I know that for myself, those old systems of manipulation as a pathway to success are systems that no longer work – they are not sustainable and I would continue to destroy myself and this world if I continued to use them. Marketing scheme’s are just schemes after all, whether you’re marketing yourself, your business…whatever.

I would suggest that we all find a practical way to become part of this new wave – and if we can not, to get out of the way for another who might or perhaps support another who will stand in your stead if you are not ready. In this life, we have been fearing the wrong thing all along – we have feared death and the end, while never really fearing how we are living on this earth and what we will leave behind – that is the real thing we should be concerned with. The survival of the individual is meaningless at the expense of the whole, because the individual, no matter how deluded, will inevitably find himself once again as part of the whole.

Day 268: Do I have time? Or does time have me?


Time is a strange thing in that it is perceptual, and how we perceive and experience time is essentially just a reflection of how we experiences ourselves within ourselves. Everyone has had those experiences of tiny moments that feel like an eternity and long moments that seem to have flown by.

We tend to correlate time with how we experience ourselves and use time as a way of contextualizing how we live and what we do. Do we have the time? Time is money, after all. Through this correlation, we tend to obsess over time itself and then begin basing life on the clock that we are watching. As if it is time who decides who we are and what we will do. Sure, we are only given a limited amount of time on this earth, but who we are and what we do within it should in no way be determined by something that we made up. I mean time is a measurement system – how the hell can we base the way we live on a system that we use to measure our living? Just the same way money is simply a system that measures and assesses value, and we then live our lives according to money.

I noticed today, my tendency to live according to time. Now what is interesting is that time is something that is created – when we really want something or need something or at least believe that we do, we will usually make the time for it. We tend to not have time for the things we don’t like, we just don’t spend time doing them. Within my frame/perception of time that I am living in, I notice that I have made time for all kinds of useless habits/patterns and addictions, because I have come to believe that I enjoy them – while there are many things I should really be giving my attention to, that I don’t – I don’t make the time for them because there is no desire as self interest. However I do have a conscience and know that I should be making time for these things – and I do – but just barely. Usually, I will wait until the end of a day to do personal self support writing or begin writing a blog. I will waste my time on meaningless shit because I am telling myself “it’s ok, I have the time, I can spare it”. This point of wasting time and postponing self responsibility is a big fuckup because in reality, given the state that we and our world are in, time is the last thing that we have to spare.

It takes practice to become effective with time, it takes discipline, it takes the self directive principle in each moment to say “ok, what am I going to do with this moment” and do it – then move onto the next moment and whatever is necessary to be done in the next moment – but as a self direction in self honesty, not just sort of going “ok, I think I’ll do this now, oh I feel like doing this so whatever I’ll just do it – never mind it’s relevance and whether or not it has any real value to life.

Basically, I have been managing my life according to time, managing it within the clock and how I have given the times of the clock different values and connotations that apparently make some things valid and other things not valid, depending on where I’m at in time. Rather than managing what I want to live and do according to time, wouldn’t it make sense to manage time according to what I want to live and do?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manage my life according to time, believing I have to do certain things at certain times or that I do not have time to do certain things or because it is the ‘wrong time’ to do them – I commit myself to learnt to live each moment equally and apply myself in each moment equally as doing what is really necessary to doing that moment, rather than to ignore the gift of time that I have by stagnating and using the belief of having time to spare to justify not using my time effectively.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘not having the time’ is an excuse to not have to do something that I might not prefer, as time is in fact created as it is based on priorities – thus I commit myself to stand and direct my moments of time to ensure that I am using time effectively in a way that is best for self as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manage my life and what I will do according to time, and thus I commit myself to rather establish my priorities, who I will be and what I will do, in self honesty, and use time as a way to manage and measure my effectiveness with regards to my living application – I commit myself to direct myself effectively in self honesty as breath from moment to moment, taking on each new moment as the self directive principle with clarity as breath