Day 216: The crying elephant

Last night I had a dream, except it wasn’t really a dream in terms of there being a series of events, it was more of a vision, an image. The image was of an elephant crying and when I woke up, there was a deep sense of sadness, that there was something very deeply and very fundamentally wrong.

It is like my life, it is like our society. I don’t say that as a statement of judgment, I mean we have to learn to stop judging and get past what we have allowed, but there is definitely something very fundamentally wrong that everyone is ignoring all the time, that is showing itself in everybody’s lives. The fundamental problem is the human mind and how we’ve been conditioned to define ourselves and our reality – otherwise there is really not much ‘wrong with anything’ intrinsically.

The elephant represents a lot about myself and this world – it is the elephant in the livingroom that I and everyone have been ignoring.

I would like to live my life in ignorance but somehow that has gotten to the point where ignorance has actually become self destructive and so it has become a danger to myself to even remain totally ignorant – another lesson that was a society we may all have to learn. I would like for everything to just ‘be ok’ with regards to the state of the world, I would like to find something of good value to hold onto and say ‘well as long as this exists, I can be ok with everything’ – but that point of justification I’m looking for simply doesn’t exist. The only place I can ‘get it’ is actually through living it myself – that means that no matter how messed up the world around me is, the certainty exist that I will never copy it/buy into or that I will discontinue to ever again copy it and to exist within myself as a being that can be trusted with life, no matter where I am or what I am doing.

I would like to ‘do more’ but there is no more that one can do, that ‘doing more’ is being distracted by the fears/preoccupations of survival, and to accept such a state is really to accept the world as the way it is and to accept extensive limitation. That fear of survival can never be valid because the fact is that we are all going to die. I have used many fears to validate my personal preference and personal desire, the desire to not do work and live my life, the fear from the experience of being hungry and not being able to eat, the fear from the experience of not being able to sleep and having work to do – none of these fears matter, no failure matters but the choice to not exist from a starting point of what is self honest and what is best for all – this is something the system might not always agree with or recognize but that will not be a threat to my survival – I mean I am not for or against anything, how can changing ‘who I am’ and the state of my being threaten my survival if it is truly what is best for all? That is the cool thing about self honesty, it is either real/existent or it’s not – it doesn’t matter what anyone’s opinion is.

I never would have imagined that my greatest challenge on earth was to simply live and exist here – just living, working, doing things, being functional and effective – without any mind interference. Just existing here as breath, doing what is necessary to be done as what is best for all life. It sounds so simple – life can be so great.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that life will always be a struggle if I continue to believe that there is something ‘more’ to be experienced of myself and this reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all hardships/displeasures/pains/stresses of life are due to the idea/expectation of something ‘more’/some ‘higher experience’ of myself and are of the mind, and thus it is the belief in something more as the mind that is fucking with me, not realizing that what I have come to define as an experience of something ‘less’ as ‘nothing happening’ and life being apparently mundane and boring, is in fact me deceiving myself through basing my view of life on an experience where I did not move myself because I did not know how to move myself physically

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that life will be boring and hard if I do not participate in the mind. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am not getting anything done or nothing is changing if I do not participate in the mind, when in fact the opposite of this is true in reality.

I commit myself to live in physical reality as breath here.

I commit myself to recognize the moment here and consider each moment I am living self honestly

Day 215: En route in America

Just a quick post today as I am in the airport waiting for a flight, en route on a long trip from Thailand to Canada. America is a fascinating place. I am always interested to come here, to see what things are like, although sometimes I’m a bit intimidated by it.

During my waiting time here there is a TV on in front of where I am waiting with CNN playing. It is amazing. What passes as news – the programs that are supposed to keep people informed about the things that matter – is amazing. The degree to which things are sensationalized, clouded by and enmeshed with opinions, the amount of flare that is exhibited by the news personalities (I guess that is after all why we use the term new personalities), the shows that feature groups of people gossiping together about people and events, the ridiculous and trivial topics that are covered and given attention to like the latest brand of form-shaping undergarments for women, the commercials for programs whose appeal is strictly based on flare and sensationalism rather than substance. I mean it is a real spectacle, with really terrible acting by the characters. Kind of reminds me of watching an episode of Tim and Eric; Awesome Show Great Job!

What is scary is when this kind of culture becomes a norm because maybe if I grew up with this kind of stuff, I would have become shaped by it and wouldn’t even notice it, just as there are things in my own culture that I grew up with and came to accept as normal that was actually in fact really messed up. That is the cool part about going to other countries, it is like seeing how messed up things are just because you’re not accustomed to that particular brand of messed up.

The people here are also really fat, like a lot of them. I don’t say that with judgment, I mean there is lots of really tasty addictive food here, LOTS of it, even right here just in the airport, wow it all looks so tasty – if I grew up in this kind of environment I might be a lot fatter too.

Sitting in front of me there is a mother with her child, a beautiful young girl of maybe only 4 years old. The girl started picking her nose and her mother reactively pulled the child’s hand away from her face insisting that she use tissue. I’m sure the mother has her story too about the stresses of her life and why she is reactive at times. If we didn’t have such pressures we could all slow down, take the time to be considerate, to inform ourselves and teach others. I mean the kid had some stuff in her nose so reached in there and got it out – what’s the problem? Maybe tissue is a more tidy alternative – a simple thing to explain that doesn’t even take much time. But we don’t have the time, because time is money and that’s the way of the world.

Day 214: Severing ties

I have said before that if I lose a relationship, then there is no real loss as it was never real in the first place if it is lost – I mean, that which is of life is that which is real – so how can life be lost? Life is always here. However I am finding the reality of living this statement somewhat difficult. Not nearly as immensely as I used to as I have been working through this point of fear of loss, but it is still a challenge.

There is an old relationship in particular which has already been over for something, that is now ‘totally lost’, meaning that we could not end on amicable terms. There is that desire for things to end well and ‘stay friends’, but that didn’t happen. The problem is that the relationship was never real to begin with, and although I have wanted and attempted to make it real, in the end that is not possible – I can only make myself real. We can all only make ourselves real.

Because the relationship was not real and the other person was not able to/willing to change their starting point, I found myself being a bit angry and upset by it, which is still pertaining to the fear of loss – so what I am reacting to in them not changing their starting point is still me not having changed my starting point completely, within understanding. Because the fact is that if our relationship is ending, with the focus being on self correction and self change, then it really does not matter if we continue to communicate or not, because the relationship will have ended benefitting us in that we became better people because of it, that it benefitted all of our future interactions with others – this is worth much more than holding onto the remnants of the past, which is likely makes as the ‘let’s stay friends’ bit.

I have said goodbye to many people in my life, will be saying goodbye to many more and eventually I will have to say goodbye to everyone – what is important is that I say goodbye on better terms, having learned from my time with them/my time on this earth and made the most of it. After all, what is the pint of holding on to something if one is not in the position to be trusted to do what is best within that position?

This process is about self – no matter where I am, what I am doing or who I am with – I breathe, I am here.

Day 213: Facing tough situations

I feel so sick today, I hate it. I just want to sleep and play games and eat junk food. The thing is that playing a game takes as much energy as much energy as reading or doing some work, so being sick isn’t really an excuse to fuck around. I feel dopey as well and this may be because of the pain killer medication I took, which makes focusing a bit challenging, and unfortunately because of my illness, coffee is not an option. Being sick also affects my mood, I’m not happy and I feel whiny. But of course it’s not something I can take out on others. I am just going to have to ‘tough this out’ – it reminds me of all the other people around the world who just have to ‘tough out’ really difficult conditions.

In a few days I will be back in Canada, living a life of hard work with my University responsibilities, and being cash strapped, living with just what I need. Really it’s an ideal opportunity to support myself in this process of stopping the mind – just doing my work, then my process work and taking care of other responsibilities, and that’s it. It is obviously a challenge to the mind because the mind wants something ore, whether it is the addiction to sex, to eating delicious foods that stimulate me, to entertaining myself, to participating in social interactions that stimulate me and make me feel special, to participating in substances that give me a higher experience of myself, to partying, to – whatever! It is all just ways to give me an energetic experience – one that I really don’t need. I know that I’ve got to get real about stopping my mind, really silencing myself within myself, and that the odds are really stacked against me, so to assist me in stopping all the shit that’s in the mind, it does really help to stop all the stimulus, to stop participating in all the desires I have. There is nothing wrong with taking care of myself and my body – in fact that is what I have neglected in the pursuit of desires. That will be all for today – I am in a lot of pain and unfocused due to the meds at the moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the mind and what it will really take to give up the mind for real as the stopping of all participation in my desires

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to fully do that which I would like others to do for me – assist and support me through giving up their own desires as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to work only for a reward and feel as though I deserve a reward for my work as the fulfilling of desires/self interest and thus to justify fulfilling desires with the fact that I have worked

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something ‘more’ than doing my work/supporting the physical body/doing what is necessary to be done as the desire for a reward as a way to stimulate my ego/mind as an experience of myself as something more

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in the desire for something more and participating in this desire is neglecting my physical body and the physical reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the humbling experience of not getting what I want as support for the physical body as the stopping of feeding my mind/ego

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see the link between tough situations, feeling bad and my desires for energy/stimulation/a higher experience of myself

I commit myself to stop justifying desires through feeling bad or being in tough situations/conditions

I commit myself to do my work, tend to daily responsibilities, take care of my physical body – and expect nothing else, no reward, and to not desire anything beyond what is here as an experience of ‘more than’ what is here

When and as I see myself justifying my desire for something more as a deserved reward – I stop, I breathe, I see that I am deceiving myself and looking for ways to neglect the body/the physical reality to be able to please and satisfy the desires/cravings of the mind, and I stop my participation in these justifications/desires

I commit myself to live as the physical and breathe through the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, no matter where I am, what I am doing, how I feel, or what justifications may come up

Day 212: Utilizing dreams to face and correct the mind

Early this morning I had a crazy dream – I have had a few in recent times that were very intense, the kind of dreams about things that you really fear happening, so I am glad every time to wake up and find out it was just a dream. However a dream gives indications as to what is going on in one’s mind, so if I don’t check this stuff out, it may eventually become a reality.

In this particular one, it was about some assignment I had submitted for school, where I received a poor grade – and when I checked it out, it turned out that the assignment was a mess. There were half pages missing due to my printer malfunctioning, there were loads of spelling and grammar errors – all of it indicating that I really didn’t check over my work before submitting it. I immediately went to justifications (well the printer didn’t work/it’s not my fault) and then finally to anger, where I made a scene in the class. This is unnecessary and ineffective, but I am essentially trying to salvage the moment when it has already been lost, when much more progress could instead be made in the long run if I take self responsibility, correct myself and improve myself, preventing this kind of thing from ever happening again.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and justifications for where I have fallen/not taken a point into consideration/not lived equal to a point/not taken responsibility – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the moment, not realizing that it is already lost as consequence from past decisions made, and within this fear, to try and attempt to throw a temper tantrum to make my argument as justification/blame seem more real and have myself believe in it

I commit myself to apply myself and take full responsibility for myself in doing whatever is necessary to be done so that I do not face future consequence for doing all that I am capable of doing

When and as I see myself justifying/blaming others for where I have fallen/not taken full responsibility/not fully applied myself – I stop, I breathe, I do not participate in the desire to justify, blame and throw temper tantrums in an attempt to salvage what has already been lost, and rather I see where I can learn from the mistake to improve myself forevermore – and thus I breathe through my reactions of blame/justification until the thoughts/energy passes