Last night I had a dream, except it wasn’t really a dream in terms of there being a series of events, it was more of a vision, an image. The image was of an elephant crying and when I woke up, there was a deep sense of sadness, that there was something very deeply and very fundamentally wrong.
It is like my life, it is like our society. I don’t say that as a statement of judgment, I mean we have to learn to stop judging and get past what we have allowed, but there is definitely something very fundamentally wrong that everyone is ignoring all the time, that is showing itself in everybody’s lives. The fundamental problem is the human mind and how we’ve been conditioned to define ourselves and our reality – otherwise there is really not much ‘wrong with anything’ intrinsically.
The elephant represents a lot about myself and this world – it is the elephant in the livingroom that I and everyone have been ignoring.
I would like to live my life in ignorance but somehow that has gotten to the point where ignorance has actually become self destructive and so it has become a danger to myself to even remain totally ignorant – another lesson that was a society we may all have to learn. I would like for everything to just ‘be ok’ with regards to the state of the world, I would like to find something of good value to hold onto and say ‘well as long as this exists, I can be ok with everything’ – but that point of justification I’m looking for simply doesn’t exist. The only place I can ‘get it’ is actually through living it myself – that means that no matter how messed up the world around me is, the certainty exist that I will never copy it/buy into or that I will discontinue to ever again copy it and to exist within myself as a being that can be trusted with life, no matter where I am or what I am doing.
I would like to ‘do more’ but there is no more that one can do, that ‘doing more’ is being distracted by the fears/preoccupations of survival, and to accept such a state is really to accept the world as the way it is and to accept extensive limitation. That fear of survival can never be valid because the fact is that we are all going to die. I have used many fears to validate my personal preference and personal desire, the desire to not do work and live my life, the fear from the experience of being hungry and not being able to eat, the fear from the experience of not being able to sleep and having work to do – none of these fears matter, no failure matters but the choice to not exist from a starting point of what is self honest and what is best for all – this is something the system might not always agree with or recognize but that will not be a threat to my survival – I mean I am not for or against anything, how can changing ‘who I am’ and the state of my being threaten my survival if it is truly what is best for all? That is the cool thing about self honesty, it is either real/existent or it’s not – it doesn’t matter what anyone’s opinion is.
I never would have imagined that my greatest challenge on earth was to simply live and exist here – just living, working, doing things, being functional and effective – without any mind interference. Just existing here as breath, doing what is necessary to be done as what is best for all life. It sounds so simple – life can be so great.
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that life will always be a struggle if I continue to believe that there is something ‘more’ to be experienced of myself and this reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all hardships/displeasures/pains/stresses of life are due to the idea/expectation of something ‘more’/some ‘higher experience’ of myself and are of the mind, and thus it is the belief in something more as the mind that is fucking with me, not realizing that what I have come to define as an experience of something ‘less’ as ‘nothing happening’ and life being apparently mundane and boring, is in fact me deceiving myself through basing my view of life on an experience where I did not move myself because I did not know how to move myself physically
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that life will be boring and hard if I do not participate in the mind. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am not getting anything done or nothing is changing if I do not participate in the mind, when in fact the opposite of this is true in reality.
I commit myself to live in physical reality as breath here.
I commit myself to recognize the moment here and consider each moment I am living self honestly