So I have written blogs recently to support me through some of the recent emotional turmoil that I have experienced due to a relationship wherein I allowed myself to create all kinds of ideas/fantasies/dreams, and thus false hopes/expectations for the future. I created these fantasies and expectations and then when reality did not meet my expectations, and turned out to be much further away from what I had wanted/hoped for/expected, I basically ‘got burned’ and went through a very difficult time emotionally.
Much of what made me angry/sad/resentful was seeing myself in the other person, and blaming. I have had a tendency of taking for granted relationship partner’s as one’s that I can abuse because apparently our closeness and intimacy justifies that. This is one of many mistakes I made where I did not treat my partner as just another human, but rather made them a ‘special one’ and as such expected them to be special, to be a perfect person, like my ‘dream partner’. I could have treated my partner like any other person, and instead of becoming lost in reactions towards her behavior because I feared losing her/my dream, I could have taken those points that I reacted to ‘back to self’ and learned from them. Because I had based it on fear of loss, I really fucked myself. That is not a real starting point to live by.
This fear of loss can always be justified – there are so many fears attached to relationships, related to survival and money, where I begin to depend on my relationship as part of defining who I am and how I will be successful in this world. This is where looks and ‘beauty’ become very relevant for me as a man, where every man wants the ‘beautiful girl’ as it is apparently a reflection of our success and status in this world. It is an ego boost to ‘have access to’ the beautiful girl, the ‘hot commodity’ that everyone wishes they could have – like gold – a metal that is actually useless in its real practical value yet everybody desires because we have given it some artificial value that is linked to success.
But within this insane drive for survival, relationships become a means to an end, and the more I lose myself in this fearful pursuit of survival and ‘perfect fantasy life’ that I have created within this fear, the more I lose touch with reality. Sex becomes a mental experiences where there is so much energy generated around having the ‘prized beautiful woman’ and thus sex as an energetic experience ends up becoming this total addiction.
I hate who I become within this experience, jealous, controlling, possessive, obsessive. Within the fear of loss we struggle to find some form of certainty, but in this world there are very, very few real certainties, when it comes to what the human believes it wants/what would be ideal.
I hated things about my partner like dishonesty, where my partner would fear me judging her and resort to dishonesty, and yet I did the same thing. I felt like my partner did not give me the time and attention I deserved and neglected me, and yet I neglected myself extensively throughout the relationship. I hated my partners desire to escape this reality with alcohol and other pointless entertainment, yet my escape was weed and I had my own forms of entertainment. I would judge her escapes as inferior to mine, because I did not share the same interests, but it is really the same shit. I hated that it was possible for myself partner to be interested in other men, yet it was always so easy for me to be interested/curious about other women. I hated her tendency to be vain and want to be liked by others for her picture presentation, yet this desire also exists within me to some capacity or another.
I was not ready to embrace and accept my partner in the same way that I wanted her to embrace and accept me. I allowed myself to focus on my own hopes, wants, desires and dreams that were based in fear of loss, and so the image of my partner, and the energy that this image represented as my hopes/dreams/fantasies/fears became all that mattered, I made the mistake of turning her into an object of desire, allowing myself to exist in lust and desire, completely missing the real person, and the depth of the dimensions of this complex human being, and instead reducing her to an image that fit into a fantasy of mine. Then I would make the mistake of feeling that the same was done unto me. And perhaps it was. But the point is that I cannot support others within this point when I am also lost within it.
It was in a way easy to fit my partner into the criteria of the ‘dream partner’ that I had idealized, that is part of an image of success, as adopted from my society. She is of course a woman lol, she is young, she is different and one could say ‘exotic’ as she is a foreigner from another country so there is this extra sense of ‘mystery’ about her which contributes to this point of fantasy. Her looks and body fit a certain criteria of what i have defined as ‘beautiful’ and ‘sexy’. She is ‘feminine’ which feeds my ego as the self definition of me being ‘masculine’, so here, liking each other for our perceived definitions/perceptions of each other and thus bolstering our own definitions/perceptions of ourselves. Everything playing into the illusion of who we believe ourselves to be as characters, blinding ourselves from and losing touch with who we are as life, becoming lost in the illusion of fear of who and what we really are as life.
No matter what changes and what happens, what ultimately matters is that I am self honest and thus genuine in how I am in relation to others, in how I coexist with others. Within this, there will be no guarantees of good feelings or money or other perceived rewards, but it means that I stood for what mattered and within this, changed who I am and supported others to change as well and treat each other with the dignity, regard, respect and love that we as human beings ought to treat ourselves and others with unconditionally.
This is a big world. We are interacting with beings all the time and as part of life, we should have a diverse range of beings that we interact and participate with, both directly and indirectly. Life is much ‘bigger than’ just obsessing over one person and who we are in relation to this one person, and I have had a habit of limiting myself to relationships for far too long, obsessing over them over potential partners and always looking for that ‘one person’ who would take me away from reality, from actually living full, living to my full potential.
The pattern is always the same: find someone who fits a criteria according to society and thus has ‘value’ due to their physical appearance, then form the relationship which is based on a kind of ownership where we are exclusive to each other and not associate with members of the opposite sex, and hold onto this relationship and control each other and monitor each other in fear of losing this relationship, all the meanwhile, having lots of sex to generate energy and good feelings, giving us some semblance of intimacy and positivity. It is not only sex, there is also romance and talk and basically treating each other in a way where we are like each others dreams, being extra nice and pleasant and charming and creating all of these fake ‘nice experiences’ where we show each other the best of each other to further create the feeling that ‘this is the one’ and this is great and thus this is the person/relationship that I can use to escape reality and not actually focus on ME and WHO I AM and prevent me from actually living without fear, preventing me from living to my full potential.
To be continued in the next blog.