Day 280: Helping others and reciprocity



Yesterday I began looking more at my tendency to want to try and be nice to others and helpful to others. This habit s based on past experiences where I was young and I associated ‘being nice to others’ and ‘giving others what they want’ as apparently being kind, as apparently pleasing others – and that it would indirectly serve me because others would associate me with their pleasant experience and see me favorably, as if what I have done will be reciprocated.

The world doesn’t work like that – not when the starting point is a belief of how things work that is primarily motivated by fear, by the belief that if I don’t do this, bad things will come to me. As I just wrote this last sentence, memories just came up which I have not recalled for a long time now, of past experiences where I unexpectedly experienced the scolding wrath of parents because they were not being pleased – I was shocked at the time, because I knew not what I had done to this person, it was as if there s this thing I was supposed to do that I didn’t know about. Thus the logic becomes something like ‘well if I just ‘cover myself’ by being nice and serving others all the time, then I won’t have this bad experience anymore. Perhaps I too experienced some guilt and shame in this experience because I was to some degree selfish and inconsiderate of others – but being considerate of others and unselfish does not = trying to please others and make them happy.

I noticed this recently because I had an experience with work where this habit of mine took over, but I could see that it was going to affect me negatively financially if I continued to act this way. What I noticed too was that I was trying to be considerate of this person and their situation, while I did not see them having any regard for mine.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I help others, am nice to others, please others and give them what they want, that this will somehow serve me, in some kind of undefined was that is based on pure faith, like some kind of karma where I believe that if others hold me in high enough esteem, because I actually believe that if I give them a positive experience, they will associate that experience with me and value me and in this way, what I have done for them will somehow be reciprocated.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself wanting to help others/be nice to others, give others a nice experience of themselves and give them what they want, to stop and breathe, as I see and realize that this desire is based on past experiences where I received rewards for ‘being a good boy’ by pleasing others and giving them what they want and believed that this is what I must do as an indirect way of fending for myself and ensuring my survival – I see, realize that this is not in fact how life works and how to self directly design my life in my true image and likeness, and thus I do not participate in such desires/tendencies/habits as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

In the next blog I will be looking at my desire to make relationship connections with others, as it is also related to this general belief that if I please others and create/stimulate some kind of positive experience with them, it will somehow benefit me, that if I make friends, I will be ‘richer in life’.

Day 279: Turning big brother into a breath


I have 1 student that I work with who has difficulty learning. It is fascinating because while he is capable, and has proven this, whenever he is put to task or instructed, he absolutely can not focus, he can not follow any kind of explicit instructions – he simply ‘turns off’ in a kind of way, although sometimes he may still appear like he is paying attention. It is fascinating how apparent this mental block is, as when I find a way to present things to him ‘casually’, or naturally through points that emerge through conversing with him, he shows that he is perfectly capable as a student. What is fascinating about this mental block is that it seems to be activated any time that work is presented to him some form of instruction, some for of thing that he must follow, some kind of prompt that he must respond to or fulfill – that is when he turns off. What I am suspecting is that through unpleasant schooling experiences, as children are forced into their education, he has developed this defense mechanism. I find it fascinating because I also suspect that at a deeper level, a child knows that the teacher or education is not really working in their best interest and so they simply do not trust them. Because as soon as something is presented within a context of ‘this is educational, we are learning, we are taking on a task’ – you know, when it gets ‘serious and official’.

Now what I also sometimes wonder when I assess another person is: am I really seeing them directly, or am I merely projecting a point of myself onto them – or both?

I see this same point is prevalent in my own life where, whenever I am faced with a new task or challenge, something where I have to move myself – all of a sudden my movement no longer is as fluid and I kind of stop in my tracks, it is like a form of anxiety where all of a sudden I am faced with this looming burden, the burden of hard work. Much of this is based in past experiences where, due to not having proper training, support or understanding, the experience of work was an extremely difficult struggle, and this is what I accepted as the reality of working, unfortunately.

So when this happens, where I am faced with a new task which doesn’t come naturally or easily, like for example doing school work: what I will tend to do is react the information of ‘doing work/school work/I have to get this done/I have to do a good job’ – all kinds of connotations to ‘doing work’ start to come up based on my fears based on my past experiences and before I know it all kinds of thoughts on the point have come up and I react to those thoughts. By trusting these thoughts as the mind, I will have tendency to go further into the mind as fear, looking there for answers/solutions. Now since the mind functions in positive and negative, I will always polarize myself into either one experience or the other. The positive polarity will be where I may have this experience of fear and being overwhelmed but I will ‘muster up the courage’ and ‘fight hard’, or as we say in Canada, “just give’er”. The other polarity is that I will just say ‘fuck this’ and do something else – because of course I don’t want the stressful experience, and what I know of ‘working’ from my past experiences, where I utilized the positive polarity, is that I had to ‘fight hard’, to try hard’, to ‘be prepared for a struggle, a battle’. I know this is why I have given up on myself so many times in life, is because I was just tired of battling, of struggling, and never even conceived that there could be another way.

So this point was raised in with regards to what practical solutions can be utilized when I am faced with doing work and I go into this mental experience. Regardless of what polarity I end up going with, there is a tendency to always stop and think before actually doing the work. I just stop and think about doing it, rather than doing it. I battle with myself within my mind ‘can I do this? Can I not? The positive me is struggling against the negative me and it is an exhausting internal battle – and then if the positive side wins, I will eventually get down to doing the work, but it is interesting how I work when I am in this state. I go into this kind of ‘mode’ where I am ‘over-focused’, as I have called it before, it is like I am so stimulated, so worked up, so focused that I actually can not focus, even though it kind of feels like I am really focused. It is fascinating. It is like a form of anxiety where you have this heightened sense of awareness – but that heightened sense of awareness is rather a form of heightened consciousness – or is that self-consciousness? Within this state, my ability to actually take in information effectively is significantly diminished, as opposed to being in a relaxed state where such tasks become much easier and information is absorbed much more naturally/directly.

What is interesting with my experience, along with so many other experiences that I have sen in the lives of others, is that we all tend to internalize and become the things that we struggled through and endured in our lifetimes. And this is what I did. I internalized ‘big brother’ – the authority figure of the teacher, the principal, the parent – whoever. What I experienced of them, what it was about this experience that I despised, of being forced, of being directed by people who don’t really give a shit, of being essentially policed by teachers to follow their orders within the fear of consequences if I didn’t – I internalized all of these experiences into a ‘big brother’ entity in my head that polices me, where I bully myself and experience (through this voice in my head) the essence of the experience I had in school.

So what I am working on is stopping the experience where, when I am faced with this moment of “ok, time to work now” I stop and go into the experience of thinking/anxiety/fear/questioning myself/looking for ways to do it/looking for ways to get out. What is difficult is that I don’t always see myself when I am stuck in this experience. When I do, it can be as simple as stopping the thoughts, taking a deep breath, and simply moving myself – but that takes practice until it become more natural and the experience of resistance goes away, I’m finding. It is important to identify what exactly are the experiences/feelings/thoughts that I am experiencing so that I can understand them, forgive them and thus see them in the moment when they pop up, so I can stop them effectively. If I can’t see it, I can’t stop it. Aside from writing out the thoughts as they pop up in the moment, there are a few points that I am ware of that keep me from moving myself: “can I do this?” “this looks difficult” “I don’t want to do this, it’s boring, it’s not interesting” “what is the point?” “is this worth the effort?” “this is going to be difficult” “this is not going to be fun” “I have no idea what I’m doing” I’m too tired for this” I can do this later” “I’m going to do this! And it is going to be like this and this and this!” (these last 2 examples demonstrate the negative and positive polarity perspectives of the mind that I have mentioned previously.

Day 278: What is your right to life?


As the global economy continues to collapse and there are fewer and fewer jobs available, the struggle to compete and survive among our fellow man becomes more intense. For all the intensity of the struggle, sometimes it doesn’t even seem like it is for much, struggling and working so hard just to exist, just to have a place in this earth and not starve to death. It doesn’t seem like much to ask for, does it?

And it isn’t, in reality, in a world with more than enough for all. But what is the actual context that we are living in? What about this unreal world system we have created?

Within the current world system, many people – billions of people – do not even get this opportunity to exist – and many more are living on a fine line, barely existing and struggling like no one would imagine to do so, for an extremely meager existence. When I found out that this was the case, how difficult it is and how much some people struggle for next-to-nothing, and then looking at my own life, how much is taken for granted, how surviving comes easily (although living, not so much…) I started to question my own right to life. Perhaps there is a better person who, if given the opportunities I have, may not squander them and may do much more good for so many more people, if given such an opportunity.

To this day, this understanding sticks with me, and frankly, living a normal, status-quo life just doesn’t work anymore for me – it’s really not satisfying and it is difficult to live with myself knowing that I am squandering what I have….for this short amount of time that I have it.

But I see so many people operating without this understanding – merely justifying their existence within this idea that this system is the way life really is, and thus they must fight to live and if they happen to win, it is justified because that is how the game works. Yes that is how the game that we have made out of life works – it is not how life works. We tend to throw such temper tantrums when we don’t get our way or succeed, but when I do, or see others doing it, I ask myself “but why do you deserve it?” And the fact is, we don’t – no matter what we would like to believe.

Perhaps this is the ‘wave of the future’ in business – that it is only the ones who truly have a higher calling in what they do, to make this world a better place for all life, that will be the ones to survive the economic squeeze – perhaps all the dinosaurs who have profited off of deceiving, cheating, essentially stealing from their fellow man, will be the ones weeded out. I know that for myself, those old systems of manipulation as a pathway to success are systems that no longer work – they are not sustainable and I would continue to destroy myself and this world if I continued to use them. Marketing scheme’s are just schemes after all, whether you’re marketing yourself, your business…whatever.

I would suggest that we all find a practical way to become part of this new wave – and if we can not, to get out of the way for another who might or perhaps support another who will stand in your stead if you are not ready. In this life, we have been fearing the wrong thing all along – we have feared death and the end, while never really fearing how we are living on this earth and what we will leave behind – that is the real thing we should be concerned with. The survival of the individual is meaningless at the expense of the whole, because the individual, no matter how deluded, will inevitably find himself once again as part of the whole.

Day 277: Who we are as individuals – can we be saved?



Interaction, cooperation and interconnectivity is intrinsic to human expression – without each other assisting and supporting each other as we direct ourselves in our world, we are much more limited than we would be when drawing on each others input. It is who we are. We cannot escape it, for as much as we would like to find reasons to deny each other and separate ourselves from life through a variety of self definitions as so-called ‘personalities’, we are nothing without each other.

And yet who is each one but an equal to another? Who is not an individual that consists of the whole? Each one of us has this point of individuality as our access point to our participation in the whole as the group of humanity and that group within the eco system and the rest of the universe – life. Each one stands within this point alone and cannot escape this one point but through death – to only then return as some other point! Whether in the form of human, animal, plant, dirt – whatever it is I’m not even sure is that important in the bigger picture because essentially one point just moves/transforms to another. This movement is also constant and an intrinsic, inescapable part of who we are as life. But what is the movement? Where do we go when we die? Do we determine that? In a way yes we do because we determine what the state of the earth and how beings on it may experience themselves will be in the future times to come. So our movement in this current life that we are living-out here in this moment is the movement that will determine the future movement of humanity as a whole.

If our movement is not effective, we will obviously bring onto ourselves a more difficult experience of ourselves in the times to come. What we seemed to have to done trap ourselves from actually moving froward as individuals and a species is to systematize the movement into a closed system called humanity or civiLIEzation that is a small minority closed group that dominates the earth without understanding and is thus a danger to the life that exist. We give these systems names according to their roles such as for instance ‘political system’ or ‘economic system’. We don’t exist within that system at all. Nope, because as mentioned, the systems are powered by us as individuals and thus if we as a species are trapped within our systems we have created to direct us it implies that we ourselves are driven by systems at an individual level – we internalize (internal lies, eternal lies) the system and live as the systems as we exist as them as our beliefs, thoughts, fears, emotions, opinions, feelings etc. Our experience of ourselves both within and without has become as just systems, that were not designed to be conducive to the forward development of ourselves as individuals and as a group, to develop any kind of real equality or change, to bring about any kind of real actualization of who we really are as beings on this earth as our intrinsic design implies.

Who is the doctor without the plumber? Who is the child without the parent? Who is the parent without the child? Who is the man without the woman? We define each other to the extent and that we define ourselves and our experience of ourselves and each other will reflect that. So what will the starting point of that self definition be?

We have unfortunately through illusions like ‘free choice’, money and the experience/perception of having power over others convinced ourselves that this reality is escapable, that we can deny who we are – but sooner or later, reality sets in. We cannot escape this aspect of our design and our self responsibility for self movement that is conducive to the living of the group as a whole, we cannot escape it anymore than our need to eat and sleep.

There is no escaping this reality and certainly there are no saviors. It is we at an individual level that will determine our fate and the outcome of humanity’s journey here on earth. It does not matter how success we may have within the current system and how well it bodes on us in our life, in terms of making money and friendships/bonds. It doesn’t matter if we have all the money in the world or people to take care of us. What matters is who we are and how we experience ourselves – and how others experiences themselves and this is again a reality that will set in because as we are beginning to see the consequences of just living lives of self interest where we are only concerned with our own well being and not our responsibility to ourselves as life as the individuals that contribute to the group as a whole. So while some of us may currently have a fair amount of control over their lives sufficient to make sure that they have a nice experience of themselves until they die – that is irrelevant in the bigger picture when you consider that the person absolutely loses control of what will become of them on the other side and how they will then eventually inevitably experience themselves. The only way we are able to have an input/effect onto the experience of ourselves as individuals that exist within the whole, is to decisively determine now who we will be and what we will do in this life, this very brief time that we have to have a difference with.

To only take care of this one life is foolish, to take care of only one life form is foolish, to take care of some lives and other lives is foolish. We have to know deep down how little control we have – and yet we can not deny that we have a place in this world, that we are here, that we exist, that we don’t want to die know if we have at least that choice – why would we want to be here, naturally?

Let’s stop the external illusions we use to abdicate our power and self responsibility in this world to have a better experience of ourselves and other where we do not live in such a constant state of fear due to our neglect of ourselves, and thus each other and life. We can only recognize others once we have recognized ourselves. We can first forgive ourselves for how we have abdicated ourselves with self corrective applications, and from this forgive each other through the stopping of who we were when we harmed each other and the certainty of ensuring that through our commitment to ourselves life that we will never harm again.


Day 276: Points to reflect on, simplicity and strictness



There are a few things I am starting to figure out in this process. I have had a few experiences that have shows me these points, but the challenge has been structuring my living and doing so consistently to reflect and incorporate my newfound understandings. One point is that self dissatisfaction is an inevitability when we do not live to our full potential – the degree to which we are dissatisfied with ourselves isn’t as important as understanding that it is a mathematical certainty that the outcome of how we feel in being dissatisfied with ourselves is equal to the degree of input we put in, in terms of the degree to which we abdicate ourselves and give excuses/justifications as to why we can let things slide. There are so many excuses to not strive to be the best we can be. Weakness is like a habit. So this is a lesson to be learned and applied in the moments where desire strikes – to realize ‘where this is all going’ and where it is going to end up’, because of that self dissatisfaction will be expressed in some form or another, usually as self abuse or projecting/abusing others or blaming others.

Another point I understand is how tricky the mind is. We tend to assume that we are the ones who are in total control of our destiny and so sometimes when we are trying to change the demons that exist within us, we forget that the demon itself takes on a life of its own and the demon becomes the observer through which we try and effect change. I have referred to this before as ‘trying to change through the mind’ – it is impossible. This point highlights the importance of working with others in a group and using the support offered to investigate oneself to prevent the observer from taking over – namely, this highlights the importance of doing my DIP assignments and that this should be my past time.

Another point is that it is the fear of loss that the mind uses as it’s power to reason/excuse/justify why we should not stop ourselves from giving into old habits/patterns, why we should not push ourselves to go beyond our preprogramming. And yet: everything is and will be lost – just like the name of my old band – all is lost.

Another point I notice is that there it is not possible to make up for lost time – this plays into the point I mentioned about consequences being inevitable. On top of the consequences that one has to face when they fall, is the fact that this time spent falling is time lost that could have been lived, that could have been better spent creating a self and world that is best for all life. We are given a very limited amount of time here on earth to truly live our lives and make the best of it.

I have written in more depth on these points before – and yet from time to time I need a reminder. As mentioned, the mind is very tricky and this is why I find myself having to ‘get back to basics’ sometimes, because when I fall back into any old habit, even the smallest one, it ends up starting a domino effect of momentum where I begin to fall on other points, and before I know it, they accumulate and I fall off the wagon completely. After just 2 days of not writing to support myself, I find myself here having to get back to square one, to re-establish myself. In a way it is necessary to do this many times in process through breathing – every time a thought comes up, just breathe.

Sometimes I believe that if I am hard enough on myself, that I will be able to ‘grind myself to a halt’, because that’s how I used to deal with points, either judging myself until I stop or forcing myself to stop, like becoming my own policeman and jailor, but I can see that this is unnecessary and is only done when there is no self trust as self honesty, and thus I am not trust worthy and will naturally begin to police/jail myself. Breath is a point of self honesty here where I don’t need to force myself into submission, where I don’t have to make self change some massive effort, but rather simply remain here. Sometimes I link the keys to my process with the more prominent points that I am aware of that I must stop, but that is a deception, that is going back into morality as the policeman, because the mind can deceive in all kinds of whats and all it really comes down to is having thoughts – if I have thoughts, I am self dishonest, I am not here as breath in the physical reality – the only place one can ever live. It is as though the mind was created only to deceive, so that one can make plans ‘outside’ of the physical reality to try and fuck with it.

Anyways, this blog is not the most focused as I have not been focused lately. I did a lot of reading tonight and I read a point with regards to simplicity – keeping things simple. In practical terms, this means breathing when thoughts come up, as mentioned, and also going straight to writing when a point is required to be looked at, and when doing so – keep it simple! That means asking the right questions, asking simple questions, and continue to follow questions and answers to questions with more common sense questions until you’ve gotten to a point of clarity. I have had a tendency to judge myself or my questions/answers in this process, and before I know it I have gone into the mind and once again I am in observer mode. What was also mentioned in the post I had read about simplicity was the point of being strict. This is important within the context of understanding what the situation is here on earth, what it is that needs to be done, and thus realizing – why wait? Why waste time screwing around when time can be better spent elsewhere making a difference? And here I am talking about wasting time both with myself and others – neither should be done. There is always work to be done whether it is with me or with others, the point is to be strict about getting it done. Here again I come back to the aforementioned fear of loss, but I am can always ready and willing to explain why I am taking such a stance, and if one is not willing to hear me out – then there is a bias and right there is my indicator that I am wasting time hearing one who is not willing to hear.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be strict with myself and others in setting boundaries and being self directive in making sure that process is the priority – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time with others in a way where I am not being supportive towards them or myself, but rather follow them and give into their desires out of fear of loss because I fear losing them – when in fact each one is self responsible and each one can only lose themselves and such lostness cannot be forever as it is always energy/entity based.

Looking back in my process, it was the times where I was asked simple common sense questions that assisted and supported me the most – they just had to be the right questions. Also, the times where I was really struct with myself and diligent in stopping habits/patterns/addictions were the times where I made real progress and began to understand myself on a level that goes beyond energy/mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not keep things simple in terms of identifying what is here for fear of facing what is here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not assess what I am participating in and how I am living and what I am accepting and allowing with simplicity and common sense to see whether or not it is relevant/valid within the context of process and the work that is necessary to be done here on earth

I commit myself to keep things simple and stick to the simplicity of breathing and writing

I commit myself to be strict with myself in doing what it takes to stop myself and be effective in my process – including all of my activities, participations and acceptances and allowances, both within myself and in my outer world

I see, realize and understand that that which I accept and allow to be done unto myself as my own self dishonesties/abuses is that which I accept/allow others to do unto me and thus when I deceive myself I am giving others permission to deceive me with effectiveness, because I will not see the deception as I deceived myself and trusted the same energy that all humans use to deceive themselves and others

Day 275: Words I learned from Bernard Poolman and Desteni


It has become more than evident to me that we are in serious trouble – yes we, us humans, living on planet earth – I would dare to regard all as equal and thus equally responsible for the mess that we are in. It is evident to me that we as a species are seriously brainwashed, and it is our individual self interest that is our achilles heel, which contributes to our own self-created enslavement. We are fucking ourselves and our planet so badly, without a clue that we are even doing it – let alone any possibility of stopping on the horizon. I hear sometimes that ‘people are starting to wake up’ but if this is so, it is really hardly at all, and happening at too slow a pace, as we are running out of time to figure this shit out. It is evident to me that we need fundamental change, and that we have got to really undertake the hard work and study to effect such a change. However, I notice in some cases that the brainwashing is so bad that for many, none of these points are even on their ‘radar’. “How do you wake someone who is in a coma?” Is the kind of scenario we are facing here.

Education plays a massive role – both in the problem and the solution. It is our mis-education that accounts for the problem of our brainwashing, and it is a real-life education that is required to help us open our eyes and see the reality around us, to assist us in stopping our mental delusions that distort and disregard our reality so.

I am grateful that I was even able to realize that I required a serious re-education, that I had the self respect to not accept myself/my reality just as it currently is, plagued with flaws and dysfunction. When I began to re-educate myself, and as I continue to do so, what has been central to my education is the learning of words. Yes words. It seems simple, doesn’t it?

Yes and no. It is not simple in that we tend to not live the words we speak, we tend to not understand what it really means to live so many of the words that we may use or be aware of. And here I am not talking about big words or fancy words or new words that we haven’t heard of – as we have a tendency to believe that the solutions in life are more complex and ‘above our heads’ than they really are. Yet within learning a word, no matter how seemingly simple or complex, with every word we learn and what it means to live that word in real practical application, our eyes are opened up to a whole new world, an entirely new concept with all of its implications and entailments.

When I began to study the Desteni material, I noticed that there was a specific vocabulary used that assisted me in sorting myself out and beginning to see and understand the world around me and how to direct myself within it, to be able to heal myself and really begin living the life I wanted to live and being the person that I want to be. Thanks to the supportive education I received from the Desteni group I began to, for the first time ever in my life, learn some words of real value, and what it really meant to live the words I speak and the ideals that they represent and facilitate.

Here is a list of some of the words that I have learned and began to understand what it means to live them:










Common Sense

Self-Directive Principles

































The Matrix







Free Choice





These are just some of the main words that I can recall at the moment, and as I have mentioned, I am still in a process of learning what these words fully mean, imply and entail in living application. The learning of these words had had a major impact on my life, what I do, how I live and how I perceive and experience my world – it is unlike anything I had ever imagined before these words opened me up to a whole new world. For instance, I had never known what it truly meant to live the words ‘integrity’ and ‘consideration’ – two words that I had always held as high ideals, but have felt so frustrated and lost at times because I had no idea what it really meant to live them – I had never been given a real example and practical explanation of what it meant to live these words, until I found Desteni and began to study.

If you have seen any of these words that you would also like to learn what it means to live them to the utmost, I suggest to investigate. It is free to do so and currently Desteni is even offering a free course called the ‘Desteni I Process’ or ‘DIP’ to assist and support you in getting started.