Day 378: The easy path is the hardest way down
I noticed today how there is a tendency to give into habits/addictions/patterns when it is easier to do so. When something is made difficult, it is somewhat of a deterrent. I noticed this in the last time I quit smoking weed – although there were several other factors that assisted me in stopping, one of them was the fact that on this particular day, it would have taken a lot of effort to get it. When things just fall into your lap, somehow that makes it ‘easier’. Are we so bound to proximity, so prone to appreciating things just because they are in our immediate environment, so compelled by the things we can see and touch and not so much by those we can’t?

I also noticed this today when I was thinking about the last band I was in. One of the reasons I was in it was that it was just so easy and effortless to do. I had the drums, a jam space, and the music was easy. This is really not a good reason to do anything, just because you can and it take very little effort. Normally, big effort equals big reward and vice versa.

This all reminded me of a song line that always stuck out to me, “the easy path is the hardest way down” and this has been the case with so many things in my life. It is so easy to eat some treats because they’re right here or just a short distance away and cost just a few dollars. It is so easy to just go on the internet and entertain myself with useless shit. It is so easy to socialize and talk to women because it comes naturally to me. It is so easy to just do nothing, because, well, that is the thing in this world that takes the least amount of effort.

But none of these things actually recognize the dire situation we all find ourselves in currently on this earth. By giving into the easy path, we do not recognize our roles as the world’s elite, as the top %10 richest percentile of people on this earth who could make a difference but are rather busy living beyond our means and consuming far more than our fair share while giving very little back. That’s why the “first world” is so dissatisfied with itself and ungrateful, self-loathing. This attitude is what is collectively keeping the human civil-lie-zation machine going that is destroying the planet – because our original starting point on this earth has always been to take advantage and serve our own interests despite everything and everyone else, and as long as we stay on the easy path and stay the course, we will continue to plummet into devolution and destruction of the real world.

Everyday there should at least be one real challenge that we all make for ourselves and face, and I am not talking about making things unnecessarily difficult of being hard on ourselves or struggling or any other those things we tend to do to ourselves. There is an opportunity to avert the course in our lives and our civilizations history in almost every single moment – to not take the easy path and rather challenge ourselves – it is much more rewarding. If that opportunity is here in every moment, then surely we can start by taking advantage of at least one of these moments every day, and really going for it.

Day 377: Discuss Disgust

Tonight had a couple of experiences of disgust with other people – although that disgust quickly turned to pity because I can see myself in those people, meaning that I have essentially done/experienced the same things as them as so I understand their behavior, beliefs, opinions etc.

In sounding out the word disgust it sounds like the word discussed. Why am I able to have this experience of reacting in disgust that ultimately amounts to pity? Because I have discussed these same points with myself, I can see them – and yet I have not necessarily transcended them myself completely, I am still letting myself sit on the fence. We tend to not see the things we do and believe we can get away with doing because we assume that we have such a firm grip on reality – this is far from the truth and unfortunately, we tend to miss the reality of just how disgusting some of our belief/behaviors/opinions are because we take them for granted as being acceptable. Simple things, like ignorance. We laugh them off playfully and arrogantly.

So part of my reaction of disgust is knowing that I have discussed these points with myself and yet not fully allowed myself to let go/disengage/stop participating in certain habits/patterns that I know are not who I really am, that I know are self dishonest, no matter how normative they are, no matter how socially acceptable they have become. If what was normal and socially acceptable was truly what is best for all, we would be living in a much different and much better world than what we currently have. Instead we live in a world that just seems to benefit a small group that includes us, but even then, it doesn’t really because the lie of the success of the few eats away at them from the inside – like how Rome collapsed from within – so is the American empire and so are we, the elite, collapsing from within, the truth of ourselves eating away at us.

The truth is that the relationships that we create that serve to benefit us primarily and put us at the top of the pyramid, to make us more special than we actually are. For myself, there are a lot of things about the way that the world is setup and pre-programmed that it is quite easy to take advantage and make these kinds of relationships that apparently make me special. I harbor great guilt for having participated in them, duping others and duping myself into believing in the greatness of me and us (‘us’ created on the condition that it benefits me primarily).

This is the nature of relationships as they currently exist as a mental experience, that is why people become so mentally/emotionally dependent and then before you know it, it is a game of fear of loss where people become controlling and obsessive. That is no way to live and it is simply unnecessary. Why would we need to form ‘relationships’ when part of being alive/being human naturally involves relationships? These natural relationships are really just simple agreements where we practically work together to assist and support each other to be better and live better. There is no feeling/emotional attachment to them necessary.

There really is great value in being straight and direct with ourselves (self honesty) and others. It seems so simple and mundane to the mind because the mind isn’t getting what it wants and so it characterizes that which is real as self honesty as something lesser/not good enough. It is not exciting. But why do we need to make life exciting unless of course it isn’t already, and we then just feel the need to compensate. The problem is that we are all minds and so there is great tendency to sabotage ourselves because the very one writing this (me) has also been infused with this parasite of knowledge (the mind) that will spell all kinds of lies to take me away from what is here and bring me back into this fearful illusion. So here there is great value in supporting ourselves and each other when we fall, when the mind is finding little ways to get a foot back in the door and take over, overtaking all common sense and reason in favor of useless bullshit. There will also be a necessity for great discipline and frankly, a kind of sternness as a zero tolerance for bullshit, because even though the mind may cry out for its own desire to limit us and claim victimhood, it is important to understand that validating the mind in any way does not do anyone any favors. There is so much that we do not see with the naked eye.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in useless relationships and engagements that do not serve any practical purpose, and that I have not allowed myself to identify such relationships/participation and either re-direct them or simply do not participate and whichever approach will be most effective in no longer validating the mind and rather assist in/directing the real being to step forth and come out of the illusion of the mind that holds them captive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate relationships in my mind as if they are real by giving any desire/value/credit to my desires and others desires that are of the mind

I commit myself to not give validation to my mind and the mind of others through the belief that feelings and emotions are valid and can be reasoned with, similar to the notion of never negotiating with terrorists as the mind exist purely as a mental terrorist that keeps us trapped and enslaved within a limited framework of knowledge/understanding of reality that is not real

I commit myself to disengage in useless relationships/participation in relationships that have no real value other than to validate the mind as ego and the fear of being alone and the desire to feel special

Day 376: Busy day and funny things we say


Today was my super busy day of the week – wake up at 6:30 for an 8:30 class, four-hour break from 10-2 so I can eat and take care of some of my responsibilities or homework, then off to class at 2 until 9pm.

I noticed that when I finish my day and I feel hungry and tired, I get a desire for comfort foods. Tonight I gave in to this desire, and it was interesting how ‘one thing led to another’ and I ended up partaking in a few energetic habits/addictions/patterns that really do not serve me in anyway, other than an escape from myself, my life and my daily responsibilities.

I find the phrase ‘one thing led to another’ – the fact that this chain of events that constitutes a person falling is so common that it has become a common expression.

Then I noticed another phrase like this: “I want it so badly”. When we get desires and the desires gain a degree of control over us and possess us, we say ‘I want it so badly’. Why is it our want ‘bad’? It is a strange way to characterize our want. I mean we assume that it just means a strong desire, but then why not just say ‘want it very much’?

Once the dominos start falling, it can be really challenging to stop them and re-focus. The problem is that I get started in the first place. I shouldn’t need to learn any more hard lessons to finally stop myself from getting started, and to be strict with myself. This is a word that I will require patience in developing because in the past I judged myself for not simply being able to stop and still making mistakes.

Tomorrow is a new moment and I have the time that I can make writing a priority and dig deeper than I have been able to when I am busy. It may not even be the business so much as how when I am so busy with responsibilities, I go in withdrawal – I miss the drug of selfishness lol and so I turn to energetic desires because when I am so busy working, it is not for selfish desires and it is like I fear losing them because I am losing momentum with them. By taking the time to dig deeper I can get to know myself more and why it is that the things that appeal to me, appeal to me – when they are useless in fact and through those desires, there is a whole sad story that I am missing, which needs recognition and clarity to assist me in directing myself in a way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn to addictive habits/patterns when I get busy and have very little ‘free time’ – as if ‘free time’ even exists when that is in fact more like a code word for ‘free to be selfish and abuse time’

I commit myself to write tomorrow and make the time to support myself thoroughly through investigating myself with writing

Day 375: Writing: the highest priority


I have a tendency of doing my daily writing at the end of my day and I always feel a bit stressed that I have to rush my writing because I need to sleep. There are two reasons why I started doing this. One is that I tend to feel like I have to get all of my daily responsibilities done, from a starting point of fearing like I won’t get them done and being a bit overwhelmed – even though I tend to procrastinate before starting them. The other is that in the past I would write at the end of my day because then I had a whole day worth of events to work with – usually reactions, frictions, conflict, emotional or feeling experiences. However this is not necessary as I am always living out the past as my minds thought/feeling/emotional patterns, and I have the tools to ‘dig those things up’ so to speak and work on them.

The funny part about the first reason is that writing earlier in my day actually supports me to be more stable and focused, so if anything it supports me to get my daily work done more effectively and efficiently.

So while I currently hold writing in very high regard and see the great importance of writing EVERY day as every day I have an opportunity to improve myself and make a difference in this long process I have ahead of me of self forgiveness and self corrective application, I see the importance of prioritizing it, being pro active with it and doing it early on in my day. I am also supported in simply taking this initiative by developing that self will and self directive principle.

I forgive myself that I’ve have not accepted and allowed myself to do my daily writings earlier on in my day within the recognition that writing stabilizes me, asserts my directive principle and that writing is of the highest priority as it enhances other functions and makes effective living possible

I commit myself to write as early on in my day as possible, as I see, realize and understand the importance of writing as a living enhancement and support tool as being of the utmost priority

Day 374: My review of Guardians of the Galaxy


So tonight I wanted to take a bit of time to watch a movie before writing and eventually going to bed. I hardly ever watch movies anymore so I thought it would be a nice change in the routine. I had downloaded Guardians of the Galaxy. I watched the first bit of it and made it to 20 minutes in. It was unbearably awful. I mean, if I wanted a good specimen of something to study to see how messed up people and Hollywood are, it would be something useful, but in terms of telling any kind of interesting story with any kind of insight and things that make you go “hmmm…” – nope. Just superficial Hollywood hollow-wood crap. I mean, really really terrible. lol ok I’m being a bit judgmental. But really, what a bad movie about nothing. The only value it has is the lesson I will learn from writing about it here.

Of course, I should have known this – why would I think another blockbuster Hollywood movie about super heroes would be any good? I’ve seen so many now and they are all terrible, and they are all the same: really fake looking, like they made a cheap money so they spent as little money as possible and just try and crank as many of these movies out as possible to make as much money as possible. The story is always almost identical – some bad guy or bad guys are terrorizing the world or the universe or whatever and some good guys have to fight them and stop them. The characters are given absolutely no depth – they’re shallow, uninteresting people. In this particular movie – even though it is supposed to take place in a setting as vast and advanced as the entire galaxy, with all kinds of planets and alien races and advanced technology – the main character is just your typical portrayal of the average American meathead. Some dummy who acts cool and arrogant but is still an idiot and of course is always shooting at people and things. Lots of empty words of hollow bravado and petty bickering between emotionally unstable people who don’t know how to communicate properly but give it flare as if talking like a moron is cool if you put enough emotional gusto into it.

I was a few minutes into this movie and there was all this fighting. I didn’t know why nor and the fight scenes were not even impactful – they didn’t come across through the screen of having any of the intensity that a real fight would – like a cartoon. Then a few minutes later the same guy and a green girl are fighting over a ball. There is a raccoon who wants to capture one of them and he says some stupid arrogant shit too that no one would ever actually say in such an intense situation – again like it is a cartoon. Totally making out violence like it is some kind of fun game, maybe so we can be desensitized to it. Of course there were lots of computer graphics and people wearing makeup and all kinds of bright colors. Maybe that and a lot of fake looking computer graphics-generated explosions and violence is enough to excite people and think this is a good movie.

So what can I learn from all of this? That apparently there is enough of a resonance from the time when I used to fall for this kind of crap that I would even consider something like this would be any good. How did I not see the obvious?

A point that has been coming up for me recently in my life is the point of ‘being in the middle of the road’ – having an idea of what I want to do and even taking steps towards that but not quite fully getting there and always holding onto something that keeps me kind of in the middle – not a total idiot but not totally making progress at my full potential/capacity. It is for this kind of reason that I react to a movie like this and my foolishness in giving it a try. This movie is sophisticated nonsense. Hi-tech buffoonery. Well executed garbage. A grand production of idiocy. And who are movies like this made for? Middle of the road middle class people from countries like the one I come from – Canada – or America or whoever is in that ‘middle of the road’ position of living comfortably numb. It is the same with the kinds of lives we lead. We have amazing technology. We are living on the cutting edge of modern sophistication – and yet what do we do with it? Act like petty idiots with retarded first world problems. We’re spoiled brats. Nothing is ever good enough and we waste, waste, waste. We whine that nothing is ever good enough because actually everything is amazing and it is us who are not good enough. The most amazing things and opportunities are wasted on insatiable self absorbed assholes like us who think they are special and the world owes them something.

This isn’t to be needlessly harsh on myself or anyone else – but really, we don’t know how good we have it. We don’t realize the opportunities and privileges and unfair advantages that we are squandering. We don’t realize what amazing lives we could be living and the amazing stories we could be writing as the legacy we would then leave behind – by actually making the most of our privilege/opportunities and working to create a world that is best for all life.

They are trying to make us as stupid as possible with movies like this – to dumb us down and act lime the idiots we see on the screen and we fall for it just because it’s a silver screen’ and we fall for shiny stuff. That is how they get us – we believe we benefit from it, that we can gain or learn something or if we can be more like that character we’ll be a success. Our own greed and fear as the desire to be successful makes us susceptible to whatever image is presented with enough glamor and flare. We just want to be like the winner of the movie.

So I am surmising a point that I was made aware of yeas ago – that the middle of the road is the worst place you could ever possibly be. I mean this becomes more and more evident as time passes and our society continues to devolve. So the lesson fir myself and anyone else here is to never be in that middle of the road – even if you go the other way and fuck up – be real fuckup! You learn faster that way. Whereas the person living like a selfish moron who thinks they are great and deserving is the greatest fool imaginable. We can all relate to ‘that person’ in some way or another – I know I can.

……….and now I’ve just learned that this movie has a 4 star, 8.4/10, %90 review. We’re in serious trouble here, folks.

Day 373: The little girl that could have been

Continuing with the point of relationships/sex, I will today be looking at the point of what is being missed when I become lost in ideas and perceptions about women, relationships and sex, which form the desires that preoccupy me and lead me (and whoever I am engaging with in relationship/sexual experiences) astray.

I noticed an interesting point about this. Within the desire for a male or female partner within the context of seeking a relationship/sex, we tend to look for people who fit the mold/definition of some kind of ideal male or female archetype. The ‘ultimate’ woman or the ‘ultimate man’. This may vary to different degrees with different people, and have varying characteristics/traits that are unique to each individuals mind, but ultimately many of us seem to have this kind of ideal image. It is like beauty has become a cult and like within any cult/religion, although there are generally similar ideals, each person differs somewhat within those generally agreed upon ideals.

What I noticed was that when I see woman who fits this ideal – a woman who is extremely feminine, you know, super sexy and good looking, to the point where she is almost like a caricature of herself/the ideal female, I tend to be taken back by the look. Looks can be deceiving and because we tend to base or judgments of people on their looks, then I tend to ‘buy into’ whatever it is that this person is presenting about themselves. I tend to believe that they really are that image that they are presenting of themselves, that it is real, that it is who they are, and all the values that are implied within that – mainly, that this person is powerful. I mean, it is pretty eye catching at the very least, even if you don’t buy into/believe the look, because people who fit into such archetypal/ideal body image portrayals are such exaggerated versions of themselves as either masculine or feminine, that they are actually quite unique or freakish – and I don’t say the words ‘unique’ or ‘freakish’ with any kind of positive or negative connotations, I mean purely that such a look is extremely rare, like one in a thousand. Think of the girl who has huge eyes, boobs and a tiny waist – I mean how many people actually look like that? And this is why a lot of people tend to strive for that look. Getting attention and popularity is often seen as ‘half the battle’ in the game of life we have made called survival and capitalism.

So what I noticed, is that because such a look is so exaggerated and the person has put so much effort into making it real/convincing people, and the fact that I tend to believe it/fall for it as so many people do, it dehumanizes the person – the person has become such an archetype, such an ideal, almost godly kind of image of themselves to the point where it is like supernatural, then it almost becomes difficult to see the actual human behind the image being projected, the real person who is just the same as me. That is why so many women get treated like mere objects (and a lot of guys, for that matter).

I have known some people like this on a personal level and seen a lot of internal conflict within them, a lot of self loathing because it is very difficult to silence that ‘inner voice’ of who they really are and live in a way where all the love they receive is phony and they tend to not treat themselves and be treated by others with real care, understanding and appreciation – equality. Because strangely, it is more appealing to want to be a God – we replace who we are with the characters we believe we need to be in order to survive. Sometimes that is part of the challenge – seeing past what a person would like to be and present themselves as to the world to see their true self, their actual real value as who they really are, and to not validate the image they are presenting – even if they want you to, even if they don’t understand, even if they do not like that and dislike you for it – it is doing them a real favor even though they may not realize it until much later.

So this is another dimension to consider when I am focusing on a woman purely for her looks and the image she is projecting – that I am missing the real person that has the potential to exist, to live and express, and rather reinforcing an idea that is not who they really are and does not serve them. So many women sell themselves short with the looks/beauty point and never get to realize their full potential, their true strength and everything they could accomplish in their life – from seeing their real value. I see the little girl that could have been…

Day 372: Working through sexual desire

Somehow, I got drawn back into the allure of pretty, cure, sexy, beautiful girls. It is like I can’t help myself, even after having some really cool insights through previously writing on the point. I find them irresistible, but at the same time I can see the trend that the more I focus on it, the harder it is to stop the momentum of it. So within this, I have to look at my starting point – not just my intent, but my literal point of where I am starting to get the momentum rolling of this ball of energy that is the desire to be with and experience and have sex with these kinds of women.

Obviously I am going to need to ask the right questions and dig deeper here. What is apparently so wonderful about these girls? It is interesting because beauty is not necessarily so much a look as it is a belief that this look has this intrinsically high value. It seems to really make a difference in this world, being beautiful. At the same time, it can be extremely limiting because by playing the looks game, you essentially solicit yourself for prostitution. You may think you’re using others with your looks but you are being used equally for your looks – no one loves you in fact. It seems strange that people can have some degree of awareness that with the looks points, people don’t actually necessarily love ‘beautiful people’ for who they really are – and yet that is somehow still ok, it is somehow acceptable. Being loved for who you really are has become secondary to our survival in this world. All of this even with the awareness that looks don’t last forever – I know several women now who, at a younger age, I was obsessed with their beauty, and now I simply to not have the same attraction to them as I did before.

Another dimension of this is that it is simply a reoccupation, an escape. It is an activity that generates energy so that I do not have to face myself, to embrace myself, to love myself. Why would I need to love myself when I have all of these beautiful women to love me? It’s a strange concept, the idea that others can complete us and take care of us completely. Takes the fun out of living really. Why live in a way where I feel I need others? Where I am dependent on them to live and to be taken care of like a baby. It is like Peter Pan syndrome where I don’t want to grow up and live. That is why the ego can be described as ‘childish’ in terms of a person being completely underdeveloped, having not learned a thing about life and what it means to live. So another dimension of this point is that it is a huge ego stroke. Chris Rock made a great point in one of his stand up bits that being a celebrity is basically the same as being a hot girl. So the experience I get to getting attention from hot girls is akin to that of getting attention from celebrities – but in this, I miss that by accepting and allowing myself to believe in their bullshit status, I am giving my power away to them to control me, to influence and direct my, while at the same time bolstering my own bullshit power and status as the idea of myself as someone special.

I can see already to a degree that there is a lot I am missing – missing through not giving myself to myself in self acceptance and self love, not pushing myself to live to my full potential – and through this, missing who others really are and my opportunity to support others to really live and enjoy themselves as well. It is not nice really to have to limit to ourselves to characters and caricatures of ourselves just to be accepted and get attention from others in the hope that we will benefit from it.

I want to simply dedicate myself and commit myself to stopping this point, to just instantly putting a halt to the point and keeping that halt going for as long as I can, but that does not necessarily stop the desire which results in suppression. Also, I can see myself judging this whole point as bad and feeling quite guilty about it, and I know that guilt is a trap that leads to suppression rather than understanding. I have made this mistake many times already.

I can already see myself polarizing an approach to correcting this point, of ‘should I just stop because I know what to do already or do I just continue and write about it until I understand it?’ It doesn’t have to be one or the other and in fact the most effective way may be to do both. To continue to write about it and work towards understanding the point and how it works practically, while assisting and supporting myself to not go into the point or get carried away with it. I fear losing control within that, however, I fear that I may be screwed and doomed already. This just emphasizes the urgency to make time to write about the point. Even if the practical steps I take are small, they are still worthwhile. One thing do know is useless to my efforts: self judgment – as if I am any better or worse than anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the practical steps to structure myself in writing out my desires so I can understand them and stop them, through the recognition of the point that I am my own worst enemy and I am dealing with a very intense desire of the mind that I have long participated in which comes up virtually every single time I accumulate energy – thus I will have to take the time to write and practical steps necessary to structure myself to gradually disengage in habits of desire

I commit myself to take the practical steps necessary to disengage in habits and addictions of sexual desire, including practical tools like breathing, writing, keeping myself preoccupied with other tasks and projects, and disengaging from places, people and conversations that are likely to encourage sexual thoughts and desires

To be continued.