Day 397: Fitting into roles and fearing judgment

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What am I feeling with all of my anxieties in life? Past experiences limit me and pull me back into old habits of self limitation that give me a sense of comfort. I keep feeling like there is this perfect way that I must follow or perfect thing that I must do, and the judgment I may face if I do not meet some expectations. Then I start preparing myself to defend myself, becoming self righteous that I know better and preparing all my shit from this starting point – whether I conform or rebel, it is coming from the same starting point. I fear not knowing what to do. I fear my own lack of preparation. I fear my own lack of preparation more when I am busy planning myself from a starting point of ego, where I don’t really learn anything but instead just try to be approved in some way (through conformity or the rebellion/offensive of being a ‘know it all’). Other than that, perhaps on a deeper level it is a desire to be accepted, to be embraced unconditionally and without judgment from others, and so, to get this, I must give this, to stop fearing this, I must stop the same points of the desire to judge and reject people, out of fear of what they may do to me, which is quite ironic considering that it is me who actually exists in this way – even if it is both sides – 1 side must stop the momentum of the ‘cold war’ that is taking place, because these are things that we all go through, and thus in the realization of us as being equals within this point, we can see that there is nothing to fear but our own standing/participation within such pointss

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire to fall back into old habits that give me an experience of ‘fun or relaxing or comfort’ are based in my fears of myself and the future and my resistance to act on self change so that I may create a new way that is preferred/ideal/works – and thus, old habits of comfort are in fact useless as they prevent me from improving myself and my condition/living application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is some proper way that I must follow which I fear because I believe I can not understand it or be equal to it, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear as I am able to stand equal to/within such a point, and that the fear that I am not good enough/equal or that what I must be and follow is too great and awesome for me to understand is merely based on past experiences where I was given this impression through an education system that grossly under-met my needs and training in life skills and ways of the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself from the starting of fearing others judging me based on whether I am accepted by them or not and going into defensive/offensive states of mind where I either try to totally conform to the others way (or what I believe is ‘their way’) or try to rebel, going into the superiority and self righteous experience of ‘I know better’ and thus I may condescend to you and demand that you conform to ‘my way’

I forgive myself that I forgive myself to fear not knowing what to do and being judged for it and from such a starting point, try and superimpose the impression that I know what I am doing it and impose this impression through some form of force, rather than to let go of the fear of not knowing, allow myself to make mistakes, to be teachable and to direct myself without fear so that I may do the work to find out if there is something I am missing and must learn, and to learn it

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I want to be embraced unconditionally, as equals and without judgment, that I must give that first – give it to myself through not judging myself and give it to others by not judging others, and instead unconditionally embrace who I am and who others are in the here and now, without fear, so that I may do that which is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to change myself and my starting point only under the condition and expectation that others will follow and that if they do not, I will tend to become frustrated or give up on myself, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the point is not to ‘have things go my way’ but rather to change who I am and how I experience myself within the situation

I commit myself to not fall back into past habits that give an illusory experience of comfort as I see, realize and understand that such comforts enslave me into repeating the same mistakes of the past and never actually facing myself/challenges so that I may learn and grow

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the idea that there is some unattainable way that I must be and the fear such a belief creates is only based on past experienced wherein I did not understand what I must be or do and how to be or do it and did not feel as though I could ever figure it out as the support was never there to figure it out but only rather the judgment existed of whether or not I was ‘good enough’ or not – thus, when such a fear arises as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow myself to go into such feelings of fear and self limitation and instead, do what must be done to stand equal within/as the point

I commit myself to not prepare myself from a starting point of inferiority and fear of being judged by others and to rather stand equal to the point in doing whatever must be done, whether that means to stop and listen, to be open minded, to simple be here as breath and not judge, to do research and take action to inform and educate myself, or anything else that may be necessary for me to stand equal to the point so that I may transcend my fears, insecurities and inferiorities

I commit myself to embrace others unconditionally through letting go of all fears of others and all subsequent desires to go on the offense/defense with others, and to not go into the desire to judge or play games of inferiority/superiority, as I see, realize and understand that my fear of judging others is actually my fear of myself and how I will react to others as I fear myself, based on my past experiences – thus I stand here as breath and do not give into such tendencies as my thoughts, feelings and emotions arise to go into offense/defense, as I also see, realize and understand that this is the only way to enable myself within such situations – to stand equal and not judge as all thoughts that arise are judgmental in nature

I commit myself to give unconditionally and let go of the desire to receive and the tendency to only give so that I may receive – and thus I commit myself to develop self trust through standing in my commitment towards myself/others/life as I know one thing; that I will not waver if others do not stand and within such a knowingness/awareness, I can trust myself and others and I will always stand

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Day 396: Daily self forgiveness on relationships

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected by another and take the experience of rejection and not being seen as ‘good enough’ by another personally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected from someone’s life because in my mind it represents the fear of being alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to even believe that it is possible to be ‘rejected’ by another where another has judged me as ‘less than’ as one can only ever reject themselves as life by believing in superiority and that it is possible for another to be ‘less than’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing another in my life because I believe I will be missing something, when in fact it is only the idea I have created of having a relationship with someone and the energy this relationship creates that I fear losing, not seeing and realizing that what I fear losing is nothing more than an energetic experience

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in terms of allowing myself to be with another only because I desire to have a certain feeling/energetic experience with someone rather than basing my interaction and relations with another on commonsense principals of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore the facts of reality because I wanted and desired an positive energetic experience with another person, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I lose such an experience

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger towards another is simply an attempt to manipulate others to get what I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing someone in my life when it is only myself I am able to lose through becoming lost in emotional experiences that I have created for myself and not taken the time and put in the work to understand how I have done so

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take past experiences of frustration and blame and anger towards another that were result of my own acceptances and allowances and use such experiences to blame others rather than seeing where I have deceived myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take past experiences where I tried to reason with others and work with others from a starting point of getting what I want and then becoming angry and frustrated when things did not work out the way I wanted, and use such experiences to judge and define another as bad and hold a grudge, when in fact I only made myself frustrated by initially giving into my own self interest and not stopping when I see the consequences of my own self interest shown in another who also does not support me, just as I did not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at another for my own life choices

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make life more difficult for myself by not being honest with myself sufficiently to recognize that I had made a mistake, but rather fought and lied to myself to continue making the mistake and justifying it and giving it a chance – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my repeated mistake

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself in the belief that another can love me and care for me and from a certain perspective, save me from having to love and support myself and that this escape from self responsibility is a good thing, that the energetic experience I get from such a façade is ‘love and caring’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect others to care for me when I am existing within and as a point of self dishonesty as it is my own self dishonesty that often places me in situations where I give power to others that cannot be trusted to not abuse it because I feared to be alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the self dishonesties of the desire to be in a relationship and be loved by another

I commit myself to base agreements with other people on commonsense principles that are best for all life as this is a real foundation from which real trust and understanding can be built

I commit myself to base agreements on principles that are best for all and a mutual willingness to live and walk principles that are best for all within a commonsense understanding that we are all one and must walk until this oneness and equality is realized, rather than to base agreements on the fear of being alone and the desire for sex as lust and an experience of perceived power, as well as an experience of perceiving that I am being loved and cared for

Day 395: Work and pushing oneself


One thing I have noticed about myself is how I have a habit of pushing myself to work – it is as I have a kind of approach where I assume that work is going to be hard, difficult, arduous, and so I have to push myself or psych myself up to do it. In the country I am living in now, there is a very different approach to work and getting things done – very laid back, no rushing, as if there is a kind of self assurance/certainty that things will get done on way or another.

When I feel this self created pressure to work and go as fast as I can and get as much done as I possibly can, it is based on a kind of fear that I won’t get it done, because of the way that I have defined work. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am physically exhausted, and I am still pushing myself, which is a habit I developed over years of ‘pushing my body to the limit’ with things like playing football or doing heavy metal drumming. There is also past experiences where I had parents, bosses and teachers being hard on me and pushing me into that fear that ‘I must get things done!’. This voice had become internalized over time to the point where I no longer need a slave master, I am mentally whipping myself, so it is cool that I have become aware of this point and seen that it really isn’t who I am – just a re-action to traumatic past experiences.

I read an article recently that discussed how Canadians work themselves sick because there is a degree of shame attached to not working, and indeed, it is a cultural malaise where we have been so influenced by business and corporate overlords that we pride ourselves on being their unquestioning slaves and serfs.

It doesn’t make sense to push the body when I am exhausted because then I just hurt myself and end up worse off for the work that I would like to get done in the future. If I am truly doing my best and putting the work in to make a difference in myself and this world, then sometimes it really is perfectly rational to partake in rational self-interest – the self interest where you take your fair share, your fair ration of life.

The fact is that this is not necessary and really, when it comes to work – or any activity for that matter – it is all just doing stuff – there is ‘nothing to it.’ There is only the value which we give to it but the fact is, no matter what we are doing and how we are doing it, we are just doing stuff, it is part of living life and being human. The moments where that extra, mentally ‘added’ value is attached to an activity usually comes up when the prospect of doing something comes up or we physically start engaging in it. For this, I am able to practice going into activities in a ‘physical’ way – you see what must be done, you see that a mental reaction may come up to the understanding/awareness of what must be done, and you simply take a deep breath and move. Repeat this until nothing is coming up anymore, and soon, the things that one normally struggled with and found difficult become as easy as walking.

Day 395: Work and pushing oneself

One thing I have noticed about myself is how I have a habit of pushing myself to work – it is as I have a kind of approach where I assume that work is going to be hard, difficult, arduous, and so I have to push myself or psych myself up to do it. In the country I am living in now, there is a very different approach to work and getting things done – very laid back, no rushing, as if there is a kind of self assurance/certainty that things will get done on way or another.

When I feel this self created pressure to work and go as fast as I can and get as much done as I possibly can, it is based on a kind of fear that I won’t get it done, because of the way that I have defined work. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am physically exhausted, and I am still pushing myself, which is a habit I developed over years of ‘pushing my body to the limit’ with things like playing football or doing heavy metal drumming. There is also past experiences where I had parents, bosses and teachers being hard on me and pushing me into that fear that ‘I must get things done!’. This voice had become internalized over time to the point where I no longer need a slave master, I am mentally whipping myself, so it is cool that I have become aware of this point and seen that it really isn’t who I am – just a re-action to traumatic past experiences.

It doesn’t make sense to push the body when I am exhausted because then I just hurt myself and end up worse off for the work that I would like to get done in the future. If I am truly doing my best and putting the work in to make a difference in myself and this world, then sometimes it really is perfectly rational to partake in rational self-interest – the self interest where you take your fair share, your fair ration of life.

The fact is that this is not necessary and really, when it comes to work – or any activity for that matter – it is all just doing stuff – there is ‘nothing to it.’ There is only the value which we give to it but the fact is, no matter what we are doing and how we are doing it, we are just doing stuff, it is part of living life and being human. The moments where that extra, mentally ‘added’ value is attached to an activity usually comes up when the prospect of doing something comes up or we physically start engaging in it. For this, I am able to practice going into activities in a ‘physical’ way – you see what must be done, you see that a mental reaction may come up to the understanding/awareness of what must be done, and you simply take a deep breath and move. Repeat this until nothing is coming up anymore, and soon, the things that one normally struggled with and found difficult become as easy as walking.

Day 394: The life choices we make in a single moment

Today I was working on a mind construct. It really is an incredible method of uncovering ourselves, of dissecting our past memories/experiences to see how we defined ourselves within past experiences. You never know what you are going to find, so it is extremely effective in terms of not being able to fool yourself when writing.

What I found fascinating within the mind construct was that it showed me how I developed certain behavior patterns in these past experiences. The problem is that in intense, traumatic past experiences, things tend to get very emotional/energetic and so time seems to move very fast, and within that, we can make major life decisions about who we are and what we will live without necessarily realizing it. It only takes a moment to ‘make up’ your mind, and so it happens so fast that we don’t even necessarily notice or remember.

I saw how I had created this behavior pattern towards a certain person – in this case, of getting irritated when things didn’t go my way. One could call it a behavior pattern but I also see it as a coping mechanism because during the time in my life where I made such a decision/developed such a pattern, it was really because I did not understand what I was experiencing and therefore did not know how to deal with it.

Most interesting of all, I saw how I am currently reacting to others when I observe this behavior pattern within them. So not only did it explain who I was and what I was doing but who others were as well, which I experienced and would normally react to. By freeing myself from this pattern, I am able to see the irony of the fact that I had become that which I hate and will react to when I see it in others, so I not only free myself from this pattern to improve the person I am, but also free myself from reacting to the same point in others, allowing me to direct myself effectively within the situation, which also enables me to support the other who is stuck within such a point. All it took was putting in the time and effort into an activity where there are no preconceived ideas or selfish motives, embracing the unknown and working towards a solution, no matter what I find or where it takes me.

 

Day 393: Canada sucks.

 

Having been away from Canada for almost a month now, it has been interesting to ‘take a step back’ from the culture/society that I am normally a participant of and get a view of what is going on.

Canada is not the place I remember it to be when I was a kid. Not that it was ever perfect at all, not even close. But at this point it really is turning into a full blown Orwellian nightmare. Here are a few of the fucked up things I notice about my home country.

-We love war. Terrorism is a huge issue apparently. Nevermind how Canadian companies have been producing and selling weapons to people around the world. That’s not for you to know.

-We love fear. Because without fear there can be no war, and we seem to have this deeply entrenched idea that freedom must be constantly fought for.

-We love brainwashing. Nearly all of our media is owned by 3 corporations. We eat it up.

-We love stroking our own big fat egos. Canada is so fucking great. We are the best. Love love love Canada. What, you don’t? How dare you. Canada is the fucking best. We’re so awesome. Yayyyyy Canada Day, let’s get drunk because we are morons.

-We love being stupid. Education is as bad as it can possibly be, with ever constant cuts to funding and a consistent lack of resources for our nations youth, we continually accept decreasing standards in education. The average literacy level is atrocious – is literacy even a relevant or prominent point in the average Canadians mind?

-We love being sick. Our healthcare is also diminishing. It has become about big Pharma and big profit. It is about drugs and pushing drugs, prevention is no longer the best cure. Unless it is about vaccines – apparently everyone needs to get lots of vaccines. Way more now than when I was a child. Nevermind the cause of that – just be afraid that if everybody doesn’t get them we will all die.

-We love having low self esteem. Celebrity culture, gossip and reality television, tv ads, shows and movies that are all about pretty conflict and neurotic social drama. Maybe a shopping trip and a new outfit will help?

-We love abusing our bodies and wasting the time we were given on this earth. Lots of beer. Lots and lots. Tons of weed too. Maybe some harder stuff if all that doesn’t work.

-We love fighting about religion. Because it matters which figment of our imagination is right.

-We love illusions and fantasies – because anyone getting offended by reading this right now may want to realize it is the people and the mentality I am referring to. Canada doesn’t even exist. We made it up.

-We love poverty. Nevermind the consistent loss of jobs to machine automation and foreign countries, as long as it isn’t happening to YOU and you still have money and a job, the fact that opportunity is constantly vanishing and the cost of living is becoming insanely unreasonable is cool.

-We love disgusting sex. Disgusting hardcore pornography and books like 50 Shades of Gray about sexual abuse are entering the pop culture mainstream.

-We love violence and competition. Hockey fight!! Football!! Oh wait, is that my kid…?

-We love destroying our environment for money and power. The great lakes are getting more and more fucked. We are now the world’s leading country in deforestation.

-We love exploiting poor countries and poor people. Look at where all your shit comes from and what the people making it are being paid. Now look at what you are being paid and what your currency is worth. We didn’t earn that.

-We love greed – because that is a big part of what keeps all of this going – our ignorance is facilitated by the fact that we are all busy chasing personal success, no matter what the system is within which we are doing it.

-We love being pussies. And here I am not talking about vaginas. We are wimps. We will hoot, holler, rant and rave when something affects us personally, and plenty of hate will be thrown in the direction of that which we fear threatens us. When it comes to standing up for the well-being of others, doing what is best for all, exposing corruption, and trying to make a difference for a reason that is NOT based in the weakness of fear, well, we don’t. We are not the true north strong and free. We are a bunch of cowards. Any one of these above aforementioned issues should be enough to get Canadians involved with what is going on in this world. To stand up without a vendetta or bias and work to find solutions and insist on what is truly best for all. There is no nobility, no honor, no real consideration for our fellow man – there is no self honesty.

Perhaps the most insane part of it all is that we think we can get away with it.

I understand how difficult it is to stand up. I know how difficult daily living has become and how much people go through and how much fear there is. But given the scope of what we are facing here – a total nightmare, whether it is in your life or your neighbors shouldn’t matter – isn’t that enough to at least drive one to make an effort, a commitment, to find a way? Give me an eh, for effort.

Day 392: Change and trying new things

 

Maybe one of the most polarizing qualities about human beings is we tend to ‘make the best’ out of whatever situation we are in. This is an admirable quality but the problem comes in when the situation we are in really doesn’t have to be the way it is.

I have met very, very few people in this world that are entirely satisfied with their lives. There is always something not right, some problem, some imperfection, something that is not quite working for us. For some people in some situations there is truly nothing they can do. For many of us, it is just a belief that there is nothing we can do. In wanting to make the best of the situation we tend to create a kind of comfort zone for ourselves, even when we are in discomfort with what it is that we are doing. In fact it is so culturally prevalent that I have noticed that people sometimes have a hard time admitting to themselves that something might not be right or as it should be in their lives. Or they may complain, rant and rave but do nothing because they believe themselves to be truly powerless to change and so they blame.

The truth is that for those of us who really could find another way if we tried, the only thing holding us back from doing so is the fear of the unknown, tied in with the fear of loss. Both are irrational when considering we are not satisfied with where we are at. Why is it so difficult to try another way even when we know things are not working for us?

Perhaps we correlate the environment and what we are busy doing within it with the fact that we are alive. Perhaps being alive is special in itself and the last thing we would ever want to do is give up our lives, which we may simply be (in our minds) associating with what it is that we are doing and the situation we are in that we are not be satisfied with. When there is some consideration that a change is needed, perhaps it is a deeper awareness that if we did so, we would have to put in the work to carve out a new path for ourselves, which would of course require living: learning, new experiences, not being able to just sit back in a routine where everything is already automated and we don’t have to think for ourselves, use our abilities and explore our potential. Going even further with that, there is always the chance that the new thing we try won’t work, and so we then may have to try something else.

Why would we not trust ourselves to try these new things at all? Why would we not trust ourselves to continue trying and never give up until we are satisfied? Have we been taught to accept, live with and become comfortable in self-dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction in our lives? Have we been doing it for so long that we have lost the ability to simply jump into the ‘deep’ end of life and live completely in the moment, every day living and learning in new experiences?

Sometimes it is only one or two things that need to change. Sometimes it is everything. Sometimes it is a bad habit, sometimes it is the entire environment we are living in. The point is, if something isn’t working, why the hell not try something else? When such a prospect arises, often the only things standing in our way is our own irrational minds, which can’t be reasoned with. Sometimes it can be very difficult or even impossible to question the mind on such a point, and you really just do need to take a deep breath and go for it.

There is one instance in my life where I did this, and it was a massive life change. There was nothing holding me back but my own mind, and I am fortunate I was encouraged sufficiently that I decided to just go jump in the deep end. Was it always easy? Definitely not – at times it was horrendous. But what was gained in the long term from the learning experience was truly invaluable and worth persevering through such challenges. Every day should truly be a new one, not one where we just seek out the same old thing, but perhaps in a different form…this point of simply setting the minds objections aside and just going for it is something that I can apply whenever facing that which I fear to do. Just go for it.