Day 455: Meaningless Sex

So this is quite an obvious point and yet not so obvious to the mind that is addicted to energy. It is obvious as a problem in the sense that there is already a lot of morality around sex and we all ‘know’ that sex is supposed to be about ‘love’ – but with love being such a phony and fickle thing in our world, how can we even trust moral opinions on the subject? Furthermore, what is the point of making such a moral judgment if humans already ‘know better’ but do not act on what they know? This implies that our morality lacks understanding because I truly do believe in my ‘heart of hearts’ that if humans really did understand what it is that they are doing, and who they are doing it to (themselves) – they would stop.

So for me the tendency to have meaningless sex is really just based on the desire to have energy/good feelings. This experience of energy/good feelings is often based on some sense of power that I get from the experience and the context of the experience. What is the context of that experience? It is that man and woman are separate/not equal and within this separation and the fear that we exist as in separation (fear of ourselves and each other) the games that we create and play where we compete for positions of power and find ways to control and dominate each other.

It is fascinating that through the illusion that we create of believing/perceiving ourselves to be separate from one another, we then go on attempting to control this illusion! It is tiresome, futile and pointless. This whole game/process could be averted if we take the tame to equalize ourselves with ourselves and each other.

I have believed/played into this fantasy for quite sometime. From a young age we are presented with examples in our world of how we can control the illusion, and the ultimate fuckup is to believe that we can win and dominate this game completely – which is what most people seem to be busy trying to do – trying to win at a game that they can never win, trying to win in a game that we are not even aware that we created and thus could we could end the game if we so directed ourselves to.

I have played this game extensively and within this game: everybody is a loser. While my habits/degree to which I will allow myself to believe in/participate in this game have lessened significantly, there still lingers this belief that I can go and play this game and win – and get the experience of energy that I believe I want and require. And yet, every time, I get the same result – nothing – I am left with nothing.

This separation had all began with a misunderstanding of who I am and the belief that I require energy/others from which to create an energetic experience, because as self is misunderstood/taken for granted/not expressed and explored to its full potential, we then tend to go looking for ourselves in others.

We do not learn to master ourselves, so we try and attempt to be the masters of others. We do not take dominion over ourselves, so we try to dominate others. We do not take responsibility for our own minds and learn to become the directive principle of our own minds, so we allow ourselves to be brainwashed and then attempt to brainwash/control the minds of others. We do not discover, learn about and explore our own bodies, so we attempt to find such discoveries and explorations in the bodies of others. We do not learn to be intimate with ourselves, so we attempt to create intimacy and get some kind of experience of intimacy with others.

But nothing is possible to be experienced with another if you cannot stand alone first.

Ironically, I now have more opportunities to have meaningless sex than I have ever had before in my life – and I am the leas interested I have ever been in it. I am finding that I actually don’t enjoy meaningless sex at all. I enjoy sex most when there is trust, intimacy and openness with a partner, and this can only really be established through being self honest with oneself first and standing alone, developing such points within self first so that we are then interacting with others from a real starting point of oneness and equality – not the desire to control, dominate or have some kind of experience that is larger than life’.

On some level I recognize that this blog is really just the beginning of uncovering this point – there is so much more about who I am and the experiences that I have had in my life that contribute to this mindset that results in the behavior/habit of having meaningless sex. I mentioned in my last blog the importance of digging deep by doing ‘mind constructs’ – and technique of delving into past memories to uncover the subconscious points that drive us to do what we do. So I have realized that to really crack the shell of this point and break it wide open to understand it, it will be necessary to do a mind construct on the point.

Because the only other option I have to change is to continue to make mistakes until I get burned so badly that I learn from consequence…….no thanks!

 

Day 454: Uncovering relationship behavior patterns through DIP

Recently I wrote a couple blogs about a recent fuckup I had with regards to my last relationship. Now, to even blog at all on what happened with the relationship was quite difficult, as it took time for the energy to subside sufficiently that I could have a look at things/myself in a clear way. But even having calmed down and attempting to write things out and get a clear perspective on things/myself, I could ‘only go so deep’. This is often the case with my writing and I first started coming to this point years ago when I first began writing extensively: I could only dig so deep, I would begin to go in circles, and there always felt like there was ‘more’ that I was not quite getting to and not able to access.

At this time, at one point Bernard pointed out to me that I was not able to access this ‘more’ – what was this ‘more’? It was my subconscious and unconcious mind, which is basically your real ‘memory bank’ or life time experiences that you had which shape the thoughts that arise in your conscious mind which is really the only thing that you do have more direct access to by simply looking at/writing out your daily thoughts/feelings/emotions.

So to get to the subconscious mind I have been working through my Desteni I Process course, which has taught me how to specifically go into past memories that pertain to a certain behavior/tendency/habit/thought pattern that I had developed and currently live-out as my conscious mind. Through working with these specialized techniques I have been able to access things that I completely did not see, realize or expect about my past experiences, where decisions were made in these past experiences with regards to ‘who I am’ and ‘how I will live and be/behave’.

The reason I am sharing this is because today I worked specifically with a memory from a past experience with my father. I discovered some fascinating things about myself and my behavior through working through this memory. The reason a memory with my father was specifically chosen to work with is because our parents and our early memories of experiences with our parents play a MAJOR role in the development of our minds and the way that we think and behave. But the most fascinating thing about the discovery I made was: the behavior/thought pattern that I had uncovered through this memory with my father, directly applied to the behavior/thought pattern that I recently experienced and went through with my recent relationship experience!

Through doing self forgiveness on the point, I could see directly how the behavior that I was uncovering, forgiving and changing was exactly how I had behaved within/towards my relationship and my old girlfriend. Of course, while I was busy living-out this behavior pattern at the time, I had very little control to be able to see and direct myself within it, because I was not even aware of the thought pattern and how and why exactly this was playing out as my behavior!

It is really fascinating and I certainly owe credit to the Desteni I Process and my buddy who has supported me within this process, and stuck by me even during times where I wanted to do this process, but failed miserably, over and over again. They did not give up on me and so I have not given up on myself.

To shed light on this pattern that I had recently enacted in a recent experience of turmoil in my relationship, I would like to share the self forgiveness statements that I wrote while working on my Desteni I Process course, so that you can see for yourself how this behavior pattern that I had developed in a past experience with my father directly applied to how I had behaved with my ex-girlfriend in my recent relationship experience. Enjoy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yell and fight back and get angry with my father when he yells at me, using the justification that I must defend myself because I fear losing control being hurt/what could happen

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop, question and consider myself when my father or another has a problem with my behavior, and instead be stubborn and make the decision to keep doing what I am doing using the justification of ‘but I am enjoying myself’ (so fuck everything else because my enjoyment is all that maters)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in conflict with my father and within this, to simply find ways to make him ‘go away’, by repelling him or rebelling against him, using the justification that I do not want ‘any problems’ as conflict

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to behave in such a way where I have accepted and allowed the fear of my fathers wrath, and within this, to make the decision to prepare myself to defend myself from my fathers wrath, using the justification that I do not want to experience my fathers wrath because it is unpleasant

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist my father due to his behavior/emotional state, using the justification that I do not want to be influenced or controlled by my father and his anger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get angry with my father and within this, to make the decision to fight, using the justification/belief that I must fight in order to make my father stop

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into the behavior of arguing with my father and to make the decision that I must argue harder/louder/more than him in order to win and get what I believe I want, and to go into a point of competition of arguing within the belief/justification that I must do this to overcome him and get what I believe what I want, as an act of illusory self righteousness

 

 

Day 453: Elevating myself away from self intimacy

At the moment, I feel like I talk so much bullshit that it is difficult to sit down and have an honest moment with myself, to really just look at the simplicity of what it is that I am experiencing and how I really feel. My words are often laden with blame and projection – yet I know it is me who is the one that is always trying to win at all costs, to always play it safe and secure and never be on the ‘losing end of life’ – and though I’ve had some hard times, ultimately I have always maintained some level of a decent standard of living. The sad things is that when the quality of life diminishes, when there is less wealth and comfort, I tend to ‘get down’ and let myself be defined by that, by material things, just because it is not ‘up to a certain standard.’ I have the elitist tendency of crying wolf and playing the victim when in fact I hold more power and dominance than I would like to admit, I am causing more harm and abuse than I would like to admit – it may not be intentional/direct, but really just by virtue of what it means to be one of the few people with money/success in this world.

Right now in the moment of writing this I am feeling quite tired – and perhaps I am – but I have put off writing all day and didn’t write yesterday and above all I need to peace of mind/release so that my rest is even effective. I just noticed a thought: leave the self forgiveness until tomorrow – but nope, this is critical that I do my “homework”. It is remarkable that I get so little self support for my ‘inner world’ and even more remarkable to think that most people don’t EVER give that kind of support to themselves.

Anyways. I had a great night last night but I tend to want to over-inflate every cool experience in myself to elevate myself in some way. It is like an ingrained tendency as an ELite person in this world to always be attempting/finding ways to Elevate myself in this world reality – mainly in my own mind first so that the taking of a position of superiority/dominance in this world ‘comes naturally’ so to speak – pathology.

I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have the life that I do, to have the time that I do, and I often feel guilty that I am not pushing myself hard to do everything in my power to support the creation of a better world – but many times I made the mistake of trying to be altruistic when I missed the fact that I had a tendency to neglect myself so much – my actual self – not the ego that I have a habit of feeding, where I confuse the point of nurturing myself, my actual self, with feeding my ego and pampering myself with false comforts and luxuries.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to make and prioritize the time every day on a daily basis to sit down with myself and be completely candid and self honest with myself in writing in terms of actually unconditionally writing out that which I am experiencing in the moment, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself from myself through delaying this activity in my daily living or allowing fears of what others will think to compromise the integrity/self honesty of my words – within

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to implement the word ‘discipline’ in my life as a direct seeing of what is here/what action is to be taken to support me, in terms of seeing direct and moving direct – and that I have instead allowed myself to hesitate, doddle, and ‘beat around the bush’ in thinking that I have time to do other things or that I need to relax

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live the ‘high life’ of living in comfort and luxury and constantly finding ways to ‘elevate myself at a mental level’, finding ways to make myself feel and appear to be special and more significant that I am in fact as my real significance exist only within as/oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of self victimization and to not realize that such a mindset is useless – that in any given moment, I can stand up, breathe, and direct myself in a way that is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself and my process by a certain standard of living as luxury, and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require to exist in a certain level of luxury and privilege in order to live a life of meaningfulness and value, and that I have used beliefs of ‘I need to this to support me’ or ‘I need to this support my health and do my process’ as the justification to remain in an elevated position where I do not change at all in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping down from an elevated position in the world of the mind as an elite person, that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give up on playing such mind games so that I may stand equal to and one with all levels to show that all levels are only of the mind and not real in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to place and prioritize self intimacy first – that I have not accepted and allowed myself to first establish and develop my relationship with myself through writing and vlogging, and from this starting point engaged my world and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the tendency to look outward/look at others as a way to avoid looking at myself and developing self intimacy and walking my own process of self change

I commit myself to be as candid as possible within my daily writing/meeting with myself through applying self honesty to its fullest, in terms of really looking within myself as the actual thoughts/feelings/emotions that are here within and as me, and to push this point of ranting and raving so that I can effectively reveal myself to myself so that I am working with the REAL SHIT that is here existent within/as me as the mind/ego

I commit myself to get ‘straight to work’ when I see that I have moments/opportunities to engage myself/engage in my process and to stop the tendency to delay and doddle. I commit myself to create this point as the living word of ‘discipline’.

I commit myself to stop the tendency to want to appeal to others in such a way where I present myself as special/elevated/elite, and to, within this stopping, embrace myself as life here, one and equal

I commit myself to stop the tendency of victimizing myself by using circumstances/challenges/adversity as the justification/excuse of why I must elevate myself and remain in self interest, and not embrace my process/life here, one and equal – thus within this I commit myself to stop the tendency to live out the and act on the belief that another can help/save me

I commit myself to embrace the simplicity of living/necessity and to not get bogged down in the trappings of luxury and comfort so that I can exist in a way wherein I ‘want for nothing’ and desire nothing more than to live and support life, one and equal

I commit myself to not engage in mind games of competition and debate as the bait of ego/the allure of remaining in the mind as an illusion

I commit myself to first establish self intimacy with myself and ground myself before engaging with others and trying to move forward with others, and to base all forward with others as a group on this foundation of self intimacy as self trust as self honesty

I commit myself to vlogging so that I may reflect myself back to myself and others in my establishment of the living word as me

Day 452: Relationship fuckup, part 2

Today, I was reminded of something interesting: on some level, we are always aware of everything. We tend to blind ourselves with knowledge, ideas, dreams, fantasies, illusions – but somewhere buried deep beneath that, we are aware of everything, we are aware of what it is that we are actually doing and the lies and self-deceptions that we exist as.

This is the interesting thing about the anger I experience from the ‘shock’ of my failed relationship: the things that shocked and surprised me were things that I was aware of all along. I was aware of such points of deception in my partner because I was aware of the same points within myself. My mistake was that I looked for confirmation on such points, I looked outwards, mainly towards my partner, to confirm that what I was experiencing/aware of was the truth. When I saw that I had to do something about the problems that I saw, I wanted to feel that ‘everything would be ok’, I wanted the security that if I made changes, my partner would be understanding and ok about everything – but this is strange because it means I am not willing to do the right thing unconditionally.

This is a problematic tendency of the mind, to want some kind of security when letting go. But that security is really just the desire for the mind to stay in control, to make you fear letting go. it is only after we let go that the chance to create a new way is possible.

Throughout this past week my mind has been experiencing a kind of withdrawal. Like a drug addiction. When I saw my relationship for the lie that it was, I had to ask: why do I fear giving this up? If this is really so fucked, why do I fear to lose it? The only point that I can self-honestly see is that I was addicted to the good feelings that I got from sex, and getting attention from a person that I believed was ‘special’ because I thought they were beautiful and ‘mine’. Relationships should not be about possession and ownership, but that’s what it was for me – a point of wanting/desiring to control another, so that I could escape myself, so that I could escape my own self-responsibility because I fear taking self responsibility for my life.

In the past week I have been seeing all the thoughts that I am still having about the past, about the relationship, about letting go, about the anger and hate that I felt towards my partner before. One night when I was in bed I saw myself having these thoughts, and I realized: THERE ARE NO ANSWERS THERE. What is the point of thinking? What does it solve? What does it change? All the thoughts of anger, fear, blame – it is only the mind – the mind stuck in the past – there are no answers in the past. The thoughts exist only in the mind and the mind as the past is not real, it is not physical – and I can only change in the physical, I can only change in the real world. When I have these thoughts, they are influencing me – I am not directing them, I am not directing myself.

So I stop, I breathe, I let go – and through supporting myself to stop the mind I create the opportunity to do new things, to find solutions, to create a new self, to create a new life.

The mind is very deceptive. The thoughts of mind are a kind of fear and the mind fears to let go. It will find many ways to try to convince you that you should not let go, that you should not change. It makes you think that the past is the best way and the only way. It pretends like if you change, you will die. But it is only the death of the mind. it is only the death of fear. It is only the end of abuse.

Everybody believes that they know what they want. But most people that I meet have no real idea about what they want – including me. It is time to be open, to explore a new way, to discover ourselves and this world for real, and see what is really possible. It might not be what we expect, because expectations only come from the mind/past. Only the mind fears life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that the things that I want and desire are not my true wants and desires – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to take action when I see that I am not living self honestly, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop when I see that I am not living self honestly because I fear letting go, change and the unknown

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the mind actually has no idea what I would truly want to live and experience

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to  realize and understand that true freedom only exists in giving up the mind and the belief of what we want and desire.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing the unknown.

I commit myself to stop the tendency to believe in what the mind wants and desires as some experience that is ‘more than’ real life because there is nothing that is more than real life

I commit myself to stop trusting in the belief of what the mind wants as fantasies/illusions as feelings of power and control as ego

I commit myself to stop my fear of embracing the unknown.

 

 

Day 451: Relationship fuckup, part 1

In my last post I laid some ‘foundation work’ in my self forgiveness in terms of looking at the essence of how I have deceived myself with the idea of ‘love and relationships’ as a fantasy point to escape myself/reality/self responsibility. This blog was prompted by a somewhat traumatic event a few days ago, and after having a bit more time to breathe and to relax from the shock of the event, I am realizing that this is still a glaring point in my life to be worked through, in more specific detail. So herein more details will be exposed and I stand more open and ‘vulnerable’ in looking at myself and how things occurred.

For some time now I have been in a long distance relationship with a person who lives in another country. We both tend to have ideas about each other that are ‘larger than life’ because we find each other pleasing to look at, and we find each other to be ‘different’ and you could even say exotic to each other. Now it is interesting looking at it now that the word exotic is very similar to the word erotic, because being attracted by these so-called ‘differences’ is in fact being attracted to how we have defined ourselves as separate and see ourselves as separate.

Now, I am noticing the use of the word ‘we’ in my writing – and while I have seen that we reflect each other back to each other, I have to stick to myself. Only through understanding myself will I be able to direct myself effectively.

To sum up the recent traumatic experience, I basically had a lot of big ideas and ‘good intentions’ while we were apart in our long distance relationships. They were very well intended ideas, very noble sounding. But the truth was that I was in a ‘bad place’ while in Canada, meaning that I took a hard fall, had money problems, substance abuse problems, I was not supporting myself effectively at all, I was really neglecting myself – basically I was not living the point of self-love as self support and self intimacy. I had used both drugs as well as the relationship to escape myself, so my participation in the relationship was in many ways not real. This is not to say that ‘nothing of me was real in any way during this time’ – but many words were abused, many words not lived.

Through deceiving myself I had created all kinds of fantasies, ideas and projections about what the relationship was and what it could be. When I arrived in Thailand again, I was under this impression. This impression was maintained by both of us up until the moment we met, and when we met. We ended having sex, and a few moments after the sex, I was informed that my partner wanted to end the relationship. I was in absolute shock and disbelief, although I should not have been. I had not questioned things for so long, that I actually thought having sex in the first place was a good idea – I was able to justify and trust my starting point for having sex because of all of the positive illusions I had created for myself.
We had a long and difficult discussion and I cooled off somewhat. Later on this evening, I got the feeling that something ‘wasn’t right’ and I did some investigating. I shortly after found out that my partner had been secretly meeting with another man. This really upset me. I had always told my partner that she could share this kind of thing with me openly, if it ever happened, that she could share openly if she was having thoughts/feelings and emotions towards other men. I had questioned her on the point while we were apart – we were often asking each other if we had ‘anything else happening with another person’ – and we both lied in those moments. I had not really been seeing anyone, but online I was, in a more virtual way, I was talking to other women. So, same shit, different medium.

So while I was very shocked and angry from this experience, there was always a little part of me that knew that ‘this is me reflecting me back to myself’ – and it was only a day or so until the energy dissipated sufficiently enough that I could begin to really look at that point. And here I am now.

It was an extremely difficult experience but nothing that I didn’t set myself up for. I hurt myself with my own self deception and my own illusions. But here I am to look at the shit and sort myself out so that I do not create the same point again. It is a real challenge as I still see the tendency within myself to want to create the same point! Much of it based on the desire for sex and energy.

This is just the beginning. In the next blog I will begin to look a self honestly the real actual reasons why I desire to be with this person – or other potential partners as well, for that matter. The time is to be completely honest with myself and open about the real reasons for why I do what i do. There is a lot of fear and resistance to the point, because it is like the mind knows what it is on the verge of giving up – a huge energy source to feed it and give it power and control – and yet, I do not see any other way. I certainly do not want to have an experience like this again: to create a false hope and desire through belief and self deception, only to be disappointed eventually and inevitably.

To be continued.

Day 450: Forgiving the greatest self deception: the lie of Love

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by the lie of love and the energy of love as fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in the fantasy of love and relationships as I have observed it in the media and in my physical reality – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see relationships as love as the fear and separation that it is in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become attracted and addicted to the energy that is created through existing in separation to another, and through existing in separation to myself, and to name and call this energy ‘love’ and believe it to be so when in fact it is only fear – creating and supporting the fear of myself, others and life and through this reinforcing my own self definition as mind which exist separate to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss what is real here as life in the pursuit of fantasies/projections about life, love and living

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in relationships, that relationships are real as the energy of fear and friction created through separation to self and others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to place blame/self responsibility squarely on my own shoulders for how I have deceived myself and created my own bubble

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when others deceive me in the name of love, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the deception within/as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the energy or fear and separation with the idea of ‘love’ and stability and security – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust energy to be a point of stability

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into the polarity of desiring love as energy, which then change to hate as energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to the fear of the future and fear of myself as a fear of self intimacy, and within this, go into a point of desire wherein I use and abuse others to give me the kind of experience that I believe I would like – and within this, not see that I am also being used and abused

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into anger and blame because I feel I have been used and abused by others when in fact it is I who have used and abused myself through believing in the lie of energy as love that does not support me as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the fantasy of the ideal partner in the pursuit of energy as the belief in love/fulfillment by another, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attain this fantasy as the apparent ideal partner as the one whom I exist in separation to most and fear the most as I exist in extensive separation to them as self defined ‘unequals’ as the perceived polarity of man and woman

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for a kind of fulfillment and satisfaction in another as a form of energy wherein I have a ‘larger than life’ experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use relationship fantasies to try and attempt to escape my reality, not take self responsibility for my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am disillusioned from having love/relationships exposed for what they are, that the anger that I experience towards another is in fact anger towards myself and a form of fear: fearing to see the truth, fearing to let go, fearing to change – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the anger I experience towards myself and others is real when in fact this is only a self deception of the mind where the mind fears letting go, fears change, fears new opportunities and fears taking self responsibility for life here as the giving up of fantasies/illusions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another within relationship for ‘making me feel like nothing/like I have no value/not recognizing my value/not appreciating me, as this is a projection/self deception of the mind to not see and learn from the pattern that I have created: wherein I have in fact abdicated myself and not recognized myself as life, not valued or appreciated myself as the belief that I require others to do this for me and give me some kind of larger than life experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and antagonize others as the projection of what I have accepted and allowed within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into experiences of disbelief within the shock of seeing and realizing that the belief of love that I have created is not real – as this is a subtle form of blame wherein I pretend that I am not the creator of my own experience and thus have the experience of ‘I can’t believe this/I can’t believe this is happening’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the only one harmed by participating in relationships, and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how I have harmed others, only because they do not see the harm themselves as they are stuck in their own illusion/delusion

I commit myself to never again fall in love as the belief in love as the abdication of self/escaping of reality through an energetic experience is a great fall indeed

I commit myself to no longer accept any fantasies/creations of relationships as the breeding ground for energy and vampiric relationships where we feed each others minds and egos while abdicating life/ourselves/self responsibility

I commit myself to work with what is real only as the physical and to no longer trust relationships as the recognition of personality/mind/ego and the attempt to connect at this level of mind/personality/ego

I commit myself to ignore all egos/minds/personalities that attempt to connect with me at the level of mind/ego/fear as such a connection is never in fact real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to recognize other minds/egos/personalities and believe that I have to connect with others at this level as the belief that such experiences are real/life and will support me, when in fact they only destroy and abdicate what is here as life

I commit myself to stand here alone within the point of breath as the only point in my reality that I can trust as life has been trapped within the containment bubble of ego/mind and in this form cannot be trusted in any way – I commit myself to recognize the deception/trap of mind/ego and to expose it as myself in every way

I commit myself to be ruthless in working with what is here as breath and no longer trusting mind as ego/personality/likes and dislikes/thoughts feelings and emotions

I commit myself to stop the need/feeling/desire/sense of obligation to participate in the mind as ego and to believe that this is the source/way in which to connect with others and that I am obliged to do so within the belief that this is the only way to exist

I commit myself to stop putting my trust in the faces of energy as fear that others put on as the attempt to connect at the level of mind/fear/ego/separation

I commit myself to stop the belief/participation that I must connect with others at the level of mind/ego/personality/energy and to stop this as a way of living in survival mode

Day 449: Exploring practical self support

What did I experience today? The excitement of new possibilities. I fall in love with this place every time I come here, but the honeymoon always ends eventually lol – that seems to be shorter process every time I come back. Looking back I can see how I could have maybe made ‘more of my time here.’ Yet I am here again – wherever I end up it is always because of me, despite what I may or may not will or idealize.

Looking back I can see how unrealistic I can be about my world, myself and how to be assist, support and direct myself in this world. I have always wanted to make a difference but there is a tendency to be unrealistic about what exactly I can do and how I can go about doing it. Perhaps because of some of my unrealistic desires – for love, sex and the so called security on relationships. Another obvious one that comes up is the tendency to overlook myself and not support myself sufficiently and practically in this world – even many times where I thought I was beginning to start to do that, in truth I was ‘overdoing it’ and still selfishly looking for this kind of security/power that was sufficient that I would never have to stand on my two feet again. Some things are really so simple and straightforward to see if I really allow myself to look at it.

A lot of ‘bad situations’ I’ve ended up in really could have been avoided if I just faced what I was facing/experiencing/what my circumstances were at the time. The mind resists it because there are no ready-made answers – I will have to think it through myself, I will have to take self responsibility, live here in the flow and constant change of the moment, I will have to continually walk here in/as this point of self responsibility without escape.

This morning I had an experience of frustration and fear of loss when my girlfriend basically ‘acted up’ and had an emotional experience and I felt like this ‘threatened’ my relationship security with her – but because I have been taking more care of myself practically in this world, not being so damn ‘selfish’, it is like it is lessening my reactions with her because the underlying mindset of dependency isn’t as strong. I did react, go into some frustration and fear – but like the last time I reacted, I stopped myself midway – this time even more so, more effectively, and was able to shift from my point of reacting to her reaction (lol) to standing as a point of stability through ‘the storm’ of her reaction. It was cool, and again while this may not be what I idealize/want – it is in fact what I want: to learn how to be supportive to others, to give up my own selfish fears and desires sufficiently to support others.

There is always this tendency to want to have ownership and possession, but it is always based on some kind of fear/belief that I need another as I am apparently inferior/not sufficient for myself, to support myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have control over my reality/others/outside world, as a self projection of a lack of self direction

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I do not require to control my reality when I am always able to work with myself here and direct myself self honestly, and support myself in whatever way necessary to live and express myself to the fullest

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to establish relationships of trust, oneness, commitment, honesty, and transparency with others, as a point of supporting each other as equals and having no ulterior motives but rather doing whatever is necessary to work most effectively in others and ‘bring the best out of both of us’, so that I can move away from self deception/manipulation and instead show others who I am and who they are

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have an energetic experience with others and that such an experience is trustworthy/has value and thus trying to create it out of fear – thus I commit myself to walk through my points wherein I will have the desire to go into this desire to create energy and rather slow down and focus on breathing and who I am here in the moment so that there is no energy rising/taking over/interfering with who I am and my ability to see direct here

I commit myself to give to myself and be the support that I tend to want/desire/look for in others, in whatever way is best/practical/required – thus I commit myself to walking this process of self discovery and exploration in understanding what it means to support myself and give myself back to myself, standing as the self support of life

Day 448: Valuing each moment equally

More and more I am seeing my tendency to try and control my reality. My tendency to want to dominate. My tendency to want to win. It is all fear driven.

Everyone needs a way in this world and I am seeing that now – how can I stand up for life if I am dying of hunger on the street? It is not to say that it is not possible to stand for life in such a situation, but it is that I am life! And so if I am standing on the behalf of all life but myself, that is altruism – that is ego, and it is always projected, it never actually gets to the point where I am starving on the street

I can see the answers exist in giving up control, rescinding my position of dominance in this world and reality, so that I can uncover my own authenticity – because my dominance was never authentic, it was preprogrammed.

So specifically here within my own mind I noticed a lot of fears coming up surrounding sleep. I’m experiencing jet lag from a long trip to the other side of the planet, so my sleeping patterns are completely out of sync, and the fear is that I will miss a shift, lose money, make my boss angry….well, that’s basically it – that I will not ‘perform’ when the ‘time is right’ – so this is a fascinating point! Because it is really contextualized within the point of work and survival as the means to making money.

“When the time is right” – this sentence is the indicator – that I am valuing some moments over others, as for instance when I am working/making money, because apparently that is more important than all other moments. The irony is that within such moments, it can be rather amazing what can open up – for all I know, things infinitely more valuable than work/money could open in those moments that I am dismissing – but the point here is not to go looking for value in moments as if each moment is not equally valuable, and that I apparently must ‘look elsewhere/look to my outside world’ for such moments of value, instead of understanding such a point within the principle of self movement: the value is here as what I give to it as that which I accept and allow myself to move and exist within/and as.

Sounds a bit complex – basically, every moment is what I make of it and the tendency to look for stimulation as the ‘extra value’ of moments is the point of self deception. It is like believing you can make profit over just having a fair ad equitable exchange, where you ‘get more’ out of an experience than what is actually here/possible.

To be continued in the next post

Day 447: Breath is here

The last time I sat down to write the mind was really weighing me down, I mean I was so busy with thoughts and so accustomed to having thoughts/trusting the mind that I did not even remember to breathe, to support myself with breathing as this is the best support when the mind is so busy.

I only noticed this point yesterday, when I was going through more mind stuff but happened to notice that I was not breathing this time – mainly because I was trying to sleep and not using a bunch of weed to help me sleep – I saw how breath was the only thing that could help me relax.

I’ve seen this point before but forgotten it – and yet it is still here, it is always here whether I see it or not, but I’ve got to be it to realize it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe – to forget that breath is the ultimate support as a foundation to stop the mind and to move from as a point of self honesty wherein the mind is deliberately disengaged through the deliberate act of breathing in stopping thoughts

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust in the mind as thoughts/energy/knowledge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to nelgect myself as the breath that I am and the breath that is the key to realizing the life that I am and stand as

I commit myself to stop and breathe when the mind acts up/the moment is intense/I experience thoughts

I commit myself to trust breath and stick to breath as my foundation

 

 

 

 

 

Day 446: Writing, money, relationships, process

I tried to sit down and write once already, after much resistance for a few days, and I had writers block where I blocked myself through feeling like I have no idea where to start or what to focus on exactly. I can see how tricky I as the mind can be this way. I have to simply breathe in and work with what is in the moment here, in terms of what I am experiencing self honestly. What are my fears? The first one is the fear of exposing myself. I feel like the first place to start is to look at my process – to start with process itself as there has been some kind of self trust lost. A lot of the resistance to write is feeling like process ‘doesn’t work’ or ‘hasn’t made my life any better’, or, if it is me just not being effective with it, that ‘I can’t be effective with process.’

One of the forms of resistance that I see is avoiding writing which is of course easy to do when I am not in the habit. I find myself putting it off or really just feeling no desire to, but it is like I am holding myself back, from the moments where I really would like to express myself. There are so many distractions, so many things to look outward to but I can see now that what I really need is some ‘centering’.

Often times in my process it is like I was trying to hard or pushing too hard or making it more difficult than it had to be. Many times its like I wanted to save the world and make such a big impact before even knowing how to take basic care of myself. I get tired of abusing myself which is part of why I am here. It is not about what is right or wrong but just common sense – I want to say what is best but common sense really should imply that.

Ok, so some things are finally opening up a bit lol. I also noticed recently how much the money point gets me down. This is something to look at as I tend to only focus on my relationships. Its an obvious thing that keeps me looking outward and in my way it makes my process not about me. I end up feeling guilt and shit like that for having issues in relationships because of how it affects others – yet somehow I don’t consider money in the same way – perhaps because money is much more about having a relationship with myself. So the tendency is to want to focus on my outside world as my relationships without really looking at how money is influencing me as the main defining point in my life.

The two points are closely intertwined. Money is a fear of the future point, where it is like I just want the security of having a dignified place in this world but there is an awareness that this doesn’t exist, or perhaps that I am not giving it to myself, and everyone else for that matter, by living what is best for all. it becomes a self interest point where I have used it to hide from the world rather than to expand myself. Even self expansion has been sabotaged as the upgrading of the systems that I use to escape myself, to escape reality and my self responsibility in this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear writing and that writing is not effective/useless or must be a chore of some kind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see writing as some arbitrary act that doesn’t necessarily assist and support me and thus perceiving it as some kind of chore that I must do out of a feeling of guilt and self blame for process ‘not coming naturally to me’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to judge my own process/who I am within process, as if it is another ‘race to the top’ as the race to apparent power through money.