So this is quite an obvious point and yet not so obvious to the mind that is addicted to energy. It is obvious as a problem in the sense that there is already a lot of morality around sex and we all ‘know’ that sex is supposed to be about ‘love’ – but with love being such a phony and fickle thing in our world, how can we even trust moral opinions on the subject? Furthermore, what is the point of making such a moral judgment if humans already ‘know better’ but do not act on what they know? This implies that our morality lacks understanding because I truly do believe in my ‘heart of hearts’ that if humans really did understand what it is that they are doing, and who they are doing it to (themselves) – they would stop.
So for me the tendency to have meaningless sex is really just based on the desire to have energy/good feelings. This experience of energy/good feelings is often based on some sense of power that I get from the experience and the context of the experience. What is the context of that experience? It is that man and woman are separate/not equal and within this separation and the fear that we exist as in separation (fear of ourselves and each other) the games that we create and play where we compete for positions of power and find ways to control and dominate each other.
It is fascinating that through the illusion that we create of believing/perceiving ourselves to be separate from one another, we then go on attempting to control this illusion! It is tiresome, futile and pointless. This whole game/process could be averted if we take the tame to equalize ourselves with ourselves and each other.
I have believed/played into this fantasy for quite sometime. From a young age we are presented with examples in our world of how we can control the illusion, and the ultimate fuckup is to believe that we can win and dominate this game completely – which is what most people seem to be busy trying to do – trying to win at a game that they can never win, trying to win in a game that we are not even aware that we created and thus could we could end the game if we so directed ourselves to.
I have played this game extensively and within this game: everybody is a loser. While my habits/degree to which I will allow myself to believe in/participate in this game have lessened significantly, there still lingers this belief that I can go and play this game and win – and get the experience of energy that I believe I want and require. And yet, every time, I get the same result – nothing – I am left with nothing.
This separation had all began with a misunderstanding of who I am and the belief that I require energy/others from which to create an energetic experience, because as self is misunderstood/taken for granted/not expressed and explored to its full potential, we then tend to go looking for ourselves in others.
We do not learn to master ourselves, so we try and attempt to be the masters of others. We do not take dominion over ourselves, so we try to dominate others. We do not take responsibility for our own minds and learn to become the directive principle of our own minds, so we allow ourselves to be brainwashed and then attempt to brainwash/control the minds of others. We do not discover, learn about and explore our own bodies, so we attempt to find such discoveries and explorations in the bodies of others. We do not learn to be intimate with ourselves, so we attempt to create intimacy and get some kind of experience of intimacy with others.
But nothing is possible to be experienced with another if you cannot stand alone first.
Ironically, I now have more opportunities to have meaningless sex than I have ever had before in my life – and I am the leas interested I have ever been in it. I am finding that I actually don’t enjoy meaningless sex at all. I enjoy sex most when there is trust, intimacy and openness with a partner, and this can only really be established through being self honest with oneself first and standing alone, developing such points within self first so that we are then interacting with others from a real starting point of oneness and equality – not the desire to control, dominate or have some kind of experience that is larger than life’.
On some level I recognize that this blog is really just the beginning of uncovering this point – there is so much more about who I am and the experiences that I have had in my life that contribute to this mindset that results in the behavior/habit of having meaningless sex. I mentioned in my last blog the importance of digging deep by doing ‘mind constructs’ – and technique of delving into past memories to uncover the subconscious points that drive us to do what we do. So I have realized that to really crack the shell of this point and break it wide open to understand it, it will be necessary to do a mind construct on the point.
Because the only other option I have to change is to continue to make mistakes until I get burned so badly that I learn from consequence…….no thanks!