Day 301: Relationships as God, Religion and Savior


In my dream last night, I was with another, I’m pretty sure it was a woman in a car, although my recollection of that is vague, and basically I was getting pissed off because I was looking for water and I just didn’t have time/patience for BS, for asking questions or whatever it was that just didn’t seem so important cause it felt like I was dying of thirst. In reality my body was actually very dehydrated and I ended up drinking a bunch of water as soon as I woke up. This whole experience is fascinatingly symbolic. Is the vehicle my relationship? Am I in it with my girlfriend who is the woman? Is my not having patience tolerance indicative of my disinterest in her ideology? Is the thirst for water my thirst for life and the dire situation life is in, in need of attention and support? Is my waking up and finally drinking water in physical reality indicative of the necessity to wake up from/break out of illusions of the mind so that I can realize/actualize my understanding, priorities and ambitions?


With a little more insight into this dream – I keep interpreting that which I am coming to understand as ‘fight or flight’ – like I have to make a major decision that ‘we cannot be together’ but that is silly – I’m apprehensive to say this because it is like I fear that I am just convincing myself of that because I want to hold onto the relationship, I want to stay in hope – that could be so – but what about changing myself within it? This is the key and I am aware that my tendency to want to part with others has limited me from being able to work with others and within this, work on myself and learn. I keep wanting to make rash decisions, and yet I fear that what I am living now is a rash decision, as the intense desire to want to make things good, to make things ‘work out’. The mind is always taking me from one polarity to the other and the fact is that the truth is in the middle – we are both just beings, just here on earth, stuck in our own shit. The challenge is to be of support even when I am not getting what I want, when I am not being positively stimulated, and to also not go looking for it. The challenge is to support only where possible and step back otherwise – the challenge is to not try and help just because I want some kind of specific outcome for myself because I fear loss/some negative experience. This is the case with any human being and is a learning curve I really have to go through – live and let live – let them be – do my work and step back – without fear of loss. This dream does not necessarily symbolize my relationship with my partner – the same essential points can be seen in all relationships. This is where I see the value in walking with another.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire and attempt to try and control my relationship/partner – which includes that which I see as ‘positive’ attempts to make the relationship better/alive/strong through stimulating myself and my partner positively within the context of trying to have a successful relationship – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’, and keep interaction practical, here, in the moment and without fear of loss as my starting point – I commit myself to ‘live an let live’, meaning that I commit myself to stop trying to stimulate the relationship positively and move the relationship within positivity as I see that this is based in fear of loss and not practical, but rather just based on the idea of love which is only a belief created and utilized within the fear of loss


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire/tendency to want to make a rash decision that ‘we can’t be together’ or ‘it won’t work’ is actually based on an experience of disappointment and disillusionment where I am brought back to reality through traumatic events which contrast the desire and hope I have created within making ‘big plans’ and creating ‘big ideas’ about me and my partner and our future – thus I commit myself to stop the tendency to ‘get ahead of myself’ and try to create and design an ‘ideal future’ for me and my partner as I see, realize and understand that this is done in fear of loss and not practical, and instead I commit myself to walk a physical process of establishing self trust and trust with another where I no longer allow fear/reactions to direct me/my relationship but rather work in self honesty and understanding, here as breath


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to even believe in relationships – to believe that they exist, that they are real, as I was conditioned to believe in the idea/ideal of a relationship as the love/romantic relationship with a ‘special someone’ – and to within this, play games within myself where I judge myself/my partner within this paradigm/belief of a relationship, where, if it fits the image/belief/ideal, I get a positive feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a positive energetic experience, and if it is not fitting the image/belief/ideal, I get a negative feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a negative energetic experience – not realizing that none of this is real, it is just based on the belief/ideal of a relationship that was designed in fear of loss during a time in my life where I felt I could never trust human beings and that if I did not find some kind of form of security, I would lose/die/have a negative experience – thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a relationship is just a belief, an energetic body/entity that is created within the fear of loss/fear of others, and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, we are just two beings, two earthlings who are here, finding ourselves in the mess we have put ourselves in where we are our own worst enemies and thus do not require saviors, such as in the form of a relationship/partner/positive energetic experience of another, but instead require real practical support and solutions here as equals so that we may assist and support each other for real, establishing self honesty and self trust and thus honest and trust within our interaction, as I see, realize and understand that this goes far beyond what the illusion/fantasy of a relationship could ever be


It is fascinating how relationships function just like a religion, a god, a savior – as they depend on our belief and subscription/participation in order to exist.

Day 300: Attraction


Throughout my process I have been shown the importance of words and being specific with words. A long time ago I was introduced to etymology, and then the art of playing with words. This proved to be both fun and interesting, where you find things like the word ‘LIE’ right in the middle of the word ‘belief’, or that the word ‘good’ is just an extra ‘o’ away from ‘god’ while ‘devil’ is just the adding of the letter ‘d’ to ‘evil’. From this experience I became more accustomed to focusing on the ‘bigger terms’, like the ones that are more obvious or prevalent, and therefore maybe more ‘fun’ to look at and play with. What I haven’t done as much is incorporate this act of playing with words into my process as a practical tool within my process. There are many, many words that are part of my daily vocabulary which keep coming up, that I simply don’t look at.


Today the point of attraction came up in discussion with regards to my process. Or rather, the word attraction came up. What is attraction – when is it real? This is what I asked because the fact is that I experience attraction, but I really don’t know how it works. How can I allow myself to not even understand something that influences and controls my behavior on a daily basis?



At traction

at ration


at action

attack tion

attack I on


In a discussion today I was given some direction on this point in understanding that attraction (here I’m talking more specifically with regards to relationship/romantic attraction) is based on one’s pre-programmed design – based on this design they will like certain stuff or not like certain stuff, and they will be either attracted or repelled, accordingly. This is where ‘at traction’ comes in – I am on the right track, on the train tracks of my pre-programmed life design of what I like and don’t like, with good traction, like I’m stuck on the tractor beam pulling me along the journey of my preprogrammed fate.


Now this is a point I find extremely difficult to question, because it is like I don’t even know why I like the things I like, I don’t even know why I am attracted to certain things. Even more, I felt like I had already dealt with this point of letting go of the stuff I am attracted to, of giving up the stuff I believe I like – and yet here I still am living it. This is indicates the importance of being thorough in one’s process and not getting any ideas about what has to be dealt with and how to accomplish it. This is a process that can only be done in real time – as points come up, I deal with them practically. This has also been a challenge as I have found that the ingrained tendency to want to give up on myself/life is what drives me to do what I mentioned – sort of take on a point, try o get it done, get an idea about it that I am getting it done, and then it is like ‘ok, I have transcended the point now, I’m ready to change – this has been dealt with’. This can be especially so when certain points are related to others points, like in this case, the point of women and attraction – they are not necessarily one and the same, even though they may under the same umbrella of ‘relationships’ – several points may end up revealing themselves within this overall point, and each one has to be dealt with in specificity – and I have the time to do it.


So it is time for me to investigate this point on my own, in real time – to look at what I am experiencing with regards to attraction, currently in my life – what I am attracted to and all the points/reasons why/experiences of it. This is going to be interesting.

Day 299: I, Fear…

Today I sat down to write out all my fears with regards to a certain point I am facing my life and certain experiences I am having, as this was suggested to me by another as a means of self support. It was simplistic, I just sat down and wrote “I fear…….I fear……I fear….” – all the fears that I experience. I mean it is not that hard to do if one just sits down and is honest with themselves about what it is that they fear. We are actually all surprisingly aware of this, if we actually give ourselves a moment to have a look. It was a cool experience to ‘get everything out’ and within this process it has allowed me to get a grasp and a perspective on the points I am facing/experiencing in a way that I normally would have not gained, through for instance just thinking about the point. Even talking out loud about things isn’t quite as effective because self expression can be limited to/compromised by the presence of another and how we feel/experience/define ourselves in relation to their presence.


What I then did was write self forgiveness statements on all the fears, taking the point that I feared back to myself by forgiving myself for the same points that I fear in others as they exist within myself. In just doing this, I felt a kind of release from a tension that I had been experiencing but was almost unaware of because the tension had become me, it had become what I lived and experienced as ‘normal’.


I then wrote corrective application statements and this is where it got interesting, because here I had to actually create, I had to actually design my living application in a way where it is actually me, for the first time, considering what would make practical sense in terms of what would be best for myself and all life. Here I was finding alternatives from the ways that I normally deal with things, which have never really gotten me anywhere but further into the mess I was already in.


So this was a point that I wanted to share due to such effective self support being so simplistic in nature – the problem however is that the mind tends to work solely on ideas and always wants some kind of idea to be satisfied with without ever actually going into physical practical reality to do any real work. It is a way that we stop ourselves from ever really moving ourselves towards corrective action or if we do, we just end up doing it with a pre-conceived idea that suits the mind. When we allow ourselves to move in physical simplicity, and just write, it is amazing what can step forward and how aware and directive we are actually capable of being.


It can be challenging to get to this point, and admittedly, I am on vacation now and not busy being engaged/stressed by things like school, work, family, friends and all the stuff that is part of our day to day living. The problem I found is that being so engaged/stressed, when I finally do have a little bit of free time to sit down and write and give myself some much needed self support, I will tend to not want to do it, but rather just find other ways to have an experience of ‘escaping’ the daily challenges/experiences of my reality. Now with having ample free time, it is a bit easier. However, given the necessity/dire need to support ourselves, that who we are is of utmost importance (even though we do not recognize this and give ourselves very little real value), it is critical that we make the time to give ourselves this self support, no matter what the conditions or circumstances. We believe that by ignoring such things and just escaping our reality through various forms of entertainment, that things will be better, when this is proven time and time again to not be true, and life just becomes more stressful, more of a grind.


We fear to live physically, to let our hands and body do the work, to move ourselves without any mind controlling us or telling us what to do and how we should live. It is akin to stepping into the unknown – and yet, this is all despite knowing full well that the way we are currently living is simply not ideal – nowhere close – the extent to which this point is realized being completely dependent on how much we choose to accept and allow ourselves to delude ourselves from reality and escape it, rather than facing it head on with the will, self trust, self honesty, strength and resolve to make it better. As we exist already in fear and self dishonesty, we are already lost, and so one literally has nothing to lose by facing that which one fears.

Day 298: Removing energetic attachments to process


Currently I am on holiday and am getting a bit of a break from all the stimulation of being engaged in the matrix – work, school, friends, family etc. – so I am able to just come to my computer and write out points as they come up. On three separate occasions I ended up writing about the same essential point, which is process itself (my process of self change through self forgiveness and self corrective application).


The first writing was with regards to the positive/negative relationship that I have developed with process, where I allow my process to be limited and controlled by energetic charges, still trying to get some form of stimulation within my process and justify the stimulation as being necessary and real through the belief that this is how I must move myself, that there can only be self/movement as progress in my process if it is energy based:


on the ‘negative side’: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be intense in order to affect change, meaning that I must use some kind of energy such as anger or vengefulness or contempt as my motivation for affecting change, not realizing that within such a starting point I am only existing as energy and thus change is not real but rather just another way to get energy and live/experience myself as a high, as the mind is so insidious and tricky that it will justify this kind of behavior as rational and good because apparently it makes some kind of change happen, when this is not in fact so


on the positive side: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘be in a good place’ mentally where I feel good and satisfied before I can work on myself/my process/affect any kind of change, or that things must be perfect in my life or everything has to ‘be right’ or that I must have certain wants/demands met before I allow myself to work on myself and affect any real change, believing that I need or require to be stimulated into some kind of positive experience as the experience of positive energy to be able to move myself, as this is just another way for the mind to justify getting what it wants under the guise of ‘doing something good/positive’


I commit myself to not move myself in my process according to energy as positive/negative feelings and to no longer depend on energy for self movement, but rather to breathe through energy and not act on it, even if it is presenting itself/justifying itself as being ‘for the better’/’for change’, I do not follow such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply breathe through the energy


the second entry:


process doesn’t ‘feel good’ for the mind because in essence you are constantly correcting and disproving the mind, and the mind as ego doesn’t like to be wrong – what is then experienced as being ‘hurt’ and ‘unpleasant’ is actually allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as the point is then opened up once the illusions of my mind are shattered, which is experienced as this perception of ‘feeling hurt’


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in process by existing within/as the desire for positive energy wherein I place the condition on my living/application that process must ‘feel good’ as an energetic experience, within the belief that good feelings are what is important in life and that process as self improvement/change should somehow be a positive feeling experience – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make this association and within it, stop myself when facing points that I experience as ‘difficult’ or ‘being hurt’, especially in contrast to this belief, and within this not realizing that the bad feelings, which are essentially just a form of fearing change/tricking myself into not changing, is not real and just another trick of the mind experienced as ‘feeling hurt’/’feeling wronged’ by another, and I no longer allow myself to use this justification as self sabotage/self limitation as I see, realize and understand that this energy is not real but just the mind not wanting to accept the truth and lose illusions, unwilling to accept this experience of ‘being hurt’ and unwilling to support myself to breathe through this experience and keep moving


I commit myself to, in the moment that I am experiencing negative energy as the experience of being ‘hurt’ by others/’having my feelings hurt’, to stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is a trick of the mind as ego to stop self from moving forward through the justification that I don’t want to have negative experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to breathe through such experiences as they are not real, and just the mind fearing to lose itself/lose illusions – and thus when I experience this, I stop the fear through breath and keep moving in humbleness and humility


third entry:


feeling ‘stumped’ investigating words: I was not able to tell whether or not the word ‘process’ carried a positive energetic charge – but when I ‘talk it out’, it is like ‘of course it is good, how could process ever not be good?’ and then I realized ‘well, it is difficult as hell sometimes and not experienced as good!’ – so already I am seeing here how the word can easily get polarized – I also see how in looking at how I view this word, I was actually just trying to view it again, rather than looking at my actual experience of it, meaning: how am I living this word? How am I experiencing it n real time? And this is where reality sets in: I experience process as all kinds of things – specifically, I experience it positively as an idea in the mind, because process is like, awesome, right? lol. And then in reality I experience it as difficult and arduous. So the arithmetic here is quite simple. I am creating the negative experience in reality through the positive experience/definition that I have created within/as the mind – process requires no positive connotation/energetic charge, because after all, process is just common sense. It is who I am and the process of self discovery wherein I remove the layers of systems that limit me and see who I really am – and thus process can in reality carry no positive connotation because it is simply who I am – and thus if I am to live process for real, no connotations/positive energetic charges may be allowed to exist


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have given process/applying myself in process a positive energetic charge/connotation as I see, realize and understand that my process is an expression of who I really am and simple, obvious common sense as the necessity to express myself as who I really am


Thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe where and when I see myself defining/believing/judging process to be a ‘good thing’/positive thing as if it were some kind of tool/commodity for the mind/ego, as I see, realize and understand the common sense of process and that if I continue doing it from a starting point of believing that it is good/positive, I am in fact making process more difficult to effect in my reality because I believe it will be fun (as the mind experience fun as energy) when in fact it is just straightforward physical work/application and carries no energetic charge, and thus I am simply setting myself up for disappointment as this experience will feel negative in contrast to the positive experience that I created in the mind which I then believe/expect process to be – I stop all judgments of process as they arise as my thoughts

Day 297: Directing myself = directing my reality

I noticed an interesting point today which is that every aspect of our participation in this reality is a form of agreement – it is a stance, a statement, and expression of the principles that we are living and embody. This is the case by virtue of the fact that the human species exist as one organism as a whole, and as part of nature and the eco-system and the universe in the bigger picture. This is also so whenever we are more directly engaged/interacting with others. Most of the time it is not explicit. It is rather an intrinsic part of who we currently are as the decisions we have made as who we decide to be – what matters to us, what our values are, what we deem acceptable and unacceptable. This then resonates from us and is also reflected in our daily living – however we tend to only see the parts of each other that we would like to put on public display and don’t see the whole story. How is trust possible when this is the case?


The decision of who we are – what we will accept and allow ourselves to create ourselves and our world as – is critical to all other facets of our existence. What I noticed tonight is the point that everything hinges on this point – all of our interactions with others, how they will go, our participations in what we contribute to our world and thus what the world gives us in return, is all dependent on who we are. We cannot exist as one thing, and expect to experience another. We cannot expect that we will have effective relationships and effective interactions with others if we do not first establish these points with ourselves – and when we do, these relationships and experiences/interactions are essentially fake. Because then we are trying to create something – whatever we believe we want or we believe is ideal – outside of ourselves. It may last a while, but this is not the truth of ourselves and the truth always comes out sooner or later.


My experience and relationship with others hinges entirely on who I am. It is foolish to try and change things ‘out there’, in another person, in a relationship, in an experience. Fear is always the point that ‘pulls me in’ to trying to do this – the fear of myself is projected onto other/my situation because I have not established a point within and as myself as self certainty. It is important to first equalize myself within myself, to come to grips with and forgive my fears, before I can ever expect to experience life in the way that I really want to.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to change my reality outside of myself and from a starting point of separation as a reaction to a thought/fear/feeling/emotion – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must first understand my reactions, stop the through understanding the point as it exist both within myself and another, allowing myself to be able to direct myself and another from a starting point of oneness, equality and understanding


I commit myself to – when and as I see a fear exist within me as some for of backchat/voices in the head – write on the point, establish what the point is, give it a name with clarity, and to work on this point so that my living is equal and thus the point will be directed effectively – before allowing myself to act on the point from a starting point of fear as reaction – I stop all temptation to react and breathe, allowing the energy to pass for so that I may deal with the point effectively through writing


Day 296: Self monitoring and the observer


I have been a very competitive person for a very long time. Whatever I did in life, I wanted to be the best. My success was always measured in how others were not as good as me, apparently. If I found that I could not be the best at something, I would likely stop competing and look for another way to be the best. This has sabotaged me greatly in my process. I mean it has compromised everything about my daily living and my self response-ability to life, where everything just becomes a competition that is about me winning – even what I consider ‘doing right’ as being one who is actively engaging their process. It makes it extremely difficult to establish real self trust and self honesty because I become uncertain as to whether intentions are truly what is best for all, or what is best for me, through expecting that taking actions that are best for all will somehow reflect well on me.


Well, fortunately I have found out that it doesn’t – very few people actually seem to care about what is best for all life and the few people who are impressed by one who appears to be a ‘good person’ is really just impressed and excited because maybe it means there is a chance that you will be easier to take advantage of than the next person.


As my process unfolds and I tend to learn from consequences of operating under false pretenses such as this one, it is becoming much more of a common sense, practical living application – instead of a ‘great big idea’. There is nothing special about process and the more that is understood, the more effective I am able to be. The more I am able to understand the practical common sense outflows of the decisions I make, the more I am able to direct myself in simplicity and directness.


So, often times within this whole point I have had a tendency to ‘want to figure things out’ – to ‘get it done’, like, almost instantly – this is how the mind works because it tends to never factors in practical physical reality. It is like I never want to make a mistake or reveal that I am flawed. Within this starting point, I have become pre-emptive – like I am actually looking for points to deal with, but in fact what I am doing is looking for points to react to. Here writing this, I now see that this implies how I have always assumed that my movement and action in live must be within some context of reacting to something. Within this point of reaction there is no real self movement or self direction – fear is just the sole motivator. Or is that soul motivator?


I received some support on this point recently – although the support was somewhat indirect and I did not necessarily see it at the time – in the video “Losing a Moment of Inspiration – Losing a Part of Self” – I suggest to watch it, even if it does not seem relevant or the insight doesn’t register immediately, as it did not for me.


Within this whole point of competition ad wanting to be the best, making almost over-zealous, looking for points about myself to react t and deal with, I notice that the tendency is to look at points through the mind and to trust the mind within this observing. Even sitting down to write, it is like I will scan the mind for stuff to write about, like asking the mind: “what is relevant here?” – so I am in essence trying to solve the problem with the problem. This was the point raised in the video where we tend to try to look at our insights and the things we notice about ourselves, only through the mind!


So what I am seeing here is the importance of this process being a physically lived/applied process – not that this information is new to me lol. But it’s application certainly is. It is as if I have trusted the mind so much that I fear to allow myself ti simply sit down and write, here in the moment, simply expressing myself naturally here, physically, without any ideas or expectations. As long as I am still referencing the mind, no change will be possible, no matter how seemingly noble my intent may be.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in referencing the mind as to what is important/relevant in my process/life, and that I have allowed myself to be motivated and driven only by fear, living in a reactive state – thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and live the understanding that all that exist in the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions are of no real substance, support, and are not trustworthy, but are rather just indicators of my own twisted creation called the mind which does not deal with things in real reality but only in the mental reality where the mind always wants to win, and I commit myself to live with the understanding that no thought, feeling or emotion can ever be trusted but are merely experiences that may be explored through self writing as a physical act, here in the moment, which are the key to understanding myself and what is beyond the limitations of the mind if I allow myself to let go of the fear of living without the mind.

Day 295: Working with others – fight or flight?

I haven’t written in the last few days. Of course there are always excuses to not right – the biggest one is being ‘busy’ – when I have worked all day and then I have just a couple hours to myself at night, and because I have worked all day, I use that as an excuse, that I am tired and I need to just ‘take it easy’ – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I need a break” as a way of not applying myself in writing, not realizing that writing as daily self support is that which will assist me to gain directive principle in my life and actually have more clarity/self directiveness, and thus more ability to organize myself, and thus having more time and being more effective with that time – I commit myself to give these moments back to myself as I see and recognize the opportunity that I have in these moments and that I will not always have these moments and that there are millions of people who don’t have these moments.

Every time I write, it is like there is so much shit to deal with, I’m never quite sure where to start and what is the most important thing – this is really an indication of not knowing myself or being aware of the thoughts that are directing/possessing me every day and the reason why it is important to write daily and even to write out the thoughts as they come up, if possible. I’ve got to get a grip, frankly, so that my writing and application can become more consistent and effective. However what I noticed is that when I get to this point, it always seems to be difficult to ‘keep it together’ something always comes up that has me turn back to old vices because of my desire for things to always go smoothly, and to have set expectations for myself too low, by just being satisfied that I am writing daily and not giving in to old habits.

One way this can be described as well, would be as the ‘revenge of the ego’ – if you have not heard this interview, I recommend it. This is the thing that I have seen interfere with my process because essentially the excuses are based in survival – being ‘too busy’ is just another way of saying that I am too preoccupied with surviving – and what is it in specifically about surviving? It is the belief of the person I must be, it is the beliefs about what I want apparently and how things should go – the ‘perfect life’ design.

A huge point within this perfect life design is my point of relationships to other people. I have noticed that y standing with others affects me significantly, and that when there is conflict/adversity/hardship/struggles/arguments/disagreements, I find it extremely difficult to apply myself or expand myself in any way, because I go back into survival mode. In the past, my survival was of course largely dependent on other people, and this has influenced me greatly on this point. However what I did not consider then is that: I had no idea how anything in this world works, and I did not have any indication of being shown a way or that I could somehow figure out how everything works – and so I became dependent and believed that I was dependent.

This is no longer the reality and I can see, after writing the last couple paragraphs, that I am required to realign this point from ‘depending’ on others to ‘working’ with others. What is the difference? When I depend, it feels like there is no other way, it feels like this person or these people are my everything, my ‘be all end all’ and so if there is a threat of something going wrong, I will go into absolute fear and survival mode. I mean, people are really not perfect and it is so important to be able to work with people – with great care and consideration – whereas if I am depending on them as my starting point, I will feel completely stymied and limited if things don’t go well or they are experiencing problems of their own. If my starting point is that of working with people, this incorporates the practical common sense understanding that: people are in their own processes, sometimes it is important to look past the immediate, and that there is always another way, it is not necessary to react or become fearful when things are not working, it is not necessary to try to force anything – all I am able to do is work with a person, or perhaps just work with myself. The point here is to not ‘give up’ and ‘jump ship’ and constantly be angry or disappointed with people because they are not able to fit into the idea of what I am trying to do with my life.

However, there are still points within the last point I mentioned – ‘what I am trying to do with my life’ – that require to be brought to light in specificity and detail, so see what desires are real and what is not – like the desire for a wife/partner. I’ll save that for the next blog.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my tendency to depend on others is based in past experiences where I had no tools with which to support myself in this world and thus believed that I require others to be able to survive and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base who I am, what I will do and how I will experience myself based on what others do and whether or not others see me positively or negatively, or whether or not I have positive or negative experiences with others

I commit myself to not base what I do, how I feel and my living application/dedication to myself/process on other people and my experience with other people or my standing with other people as I see, realize and understand that ultimately, for everybody to find their way requires patience, diligence and careful application in working with self/others, and that it is simply not necessary to give up on process/tools of self support and to instead to give into survival mode, because I see, realize and understand that I now have the skills, understanding and tools with which to support myself and others and to set myself free – no matter what happens with others or how others react or how others feel about me or how I feel about others – I see, realize and understand that all moments that are experienced as ‘difficult/unpleasant/undesirable’ do in fact pass, and that if I do not accept and allow myself to be defined by such moments, I am giving myself the self trust and self support to apply myself effectively with these tools to be able to move forward – thus I commit myself to embrace moments of difficulty/challenge/friction/disagreement so that I may stand and test my resolve to not give up and go into ‘survival mode’ where I want to either ‘fight or flight’ – I remain here as breath and welcome the challenge as an opportunity to learn, grow and move forward

Day 294: No said it was ever going to be perfect

No one ever said life would be easy.
But they did say,

The title of this blog is a statement I am going to need to learn to accept. While the ultimate goal is always perfection as the purest living expression of ourselves, it will never be possible to travel down that road of continuous improvement if I do not begin to face the current reality of things, which is far from perfect. The question is: who am I within such situations? If I am reactive, I will copy that which I see as I am easily influenced, and I will use the examples set before me as excuses and justifications to allow myself to be weak and be tempted by illusory desires that have been fed to me by my society to make me weak.


How can I provide for those who I care about if I allow myself to react and be influenced by the failings of others? How am I to stand and be dependable and trustworthy, with integrity, to always ensure that what I accept and allow is what will create a world that is best for all life, if I cannot even stop my fear of what others have become and the dangers they may pose to themselves and life in general? How am I going to face my day if my reactive nature has me subconsciously anticipating the next unfortunate/negative event that may be waiting for me that may be out of my control to stop, will I just allow myself to be defined by some negative experiences or events, just because I am able to find reasons to blame other people and things for such events?


No. Of course not. That is what equality would imply – I am required to become a humble servant to life within the understanding that I am life and as such, the harmed state that life is currently in is my cause and responsibility to correct. This is my only reason to have virtue or ambition.


This blog post seems to be shaping up into a point of dealing with discouragement, deterrence and the overall point of giving up on myself and this world – an old habit of mine that seems to be dying hard. I suppose everyone does this to some degree or another – we use the bad things that happened to us in our lives, at times where we did not consider or understand why these things happened – and we use them by taking things personally and adopting these experiences as reasons why we don’t live life fully – we are trapped in memories of harm and helplessness. Sometimes we create beliefs through the explanations that we use to explain these events, and from these beliefs we also get ideas about what we want and what the solution is – this is also a form of deterrent because it keeps us from letting go of a point that is likely holding us back because we have accepted this as ‘the way’ and thus fear that ‘there can be no other way’ – especially when we have committed so extensively to the old way.


But there is a new way – to live without fear as breath. “keep your eyes on the prize” is what someone said to me today, in the context that: “keep your chin up, because even if things don’t go as planned you will get to where you are going, as long as your head is facing straight forward to see the way”.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become deterred from engaging in my process and living my life to the fullest in every moment, because I fear bad things happening along the journey and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use bad things happening in the past – and thus the fear of bad things happening in the future – as an excuse/justification to not push myself to express myself and live life to the fullest in every single moment


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate my process and my goals with/to be defined by particular things or people, and to then become discouraged when things do not go according to plan – conversely, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to set myself up for disappointment and failure by associating my process/goals with certain things/people and then once I have achieved/acquired such things or associated/interacted with/had certain experiences with certain people, and then becoming discouraged when I perceive myself to ‘lose’ such things/people/experiences – not realizing the limitation I am placing on myself by defining myself by only certain things that I know (knowledge = thoughts)


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create ideas/beliefs/associations/definitions of how things should be ideally and how I should experience myself ideally, and then become deterred/discouraged when things do not go this way – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that process is going to be an easy, perfect or painless process – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowd myself to be deterred by pain or other negative experiences


I commit myself to ‘keep my eye on the prize’ in terms of not allowing certain events/experiences such as disappointment or other judgments, or the fear of these events happening to define who I am and my motivation and how I will live


I commit myself to not copy the failures and flaws that I see and to not judge them because if I judge them I will believe them, and if I believe them I will fear them, and if I fear them I will copy them


I commit myself to not define my process/goals by certain things/people/experiences so I am no longer defined/influenced by the perception of loss or potential fear of loss but rather am able to always consider alternatives and other possible outcomes, through letting go of fear and the subsequent desire/belief of how things should be


I commit myself to never be influenced/defined by painful or negative experiences


Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life


One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.


What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?


And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle


I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience

Day 292: Resistance to writing, self support and fear of loss

I am here again to write about my experiences of resistance towards writing as a self support tool in my process. What I do know about not writing is that I am making a decision to suppress myself, to ignore myself, to neglect myself. I mean I give all these other people and things attention on a daily basis in my life, and yet I don’t even want to give the same attention to myself. Even helping and supporting others seems easier – and yet it is not effective to do this without supporting self too. What I also know is that if I do not engage myself in this process, I will be angry. I will be angry at myself for this decision I have made and how I have limited and neglected myself so extensively, and I will continue to be unhappy about my living conditions and the state the world is in because of the fact that I know that I did absolutely nothing to be able to change it. I know, I know, I know…and yet during times where I am stuck in a rut of resistance, knowing doesn’t seem to make any difference – only DOING makes a difference.


This is the problem with knowledge and information in the way that we utilize it: that knowledge and information without practical application is useless. This doesn’t have to mean anything profound, it just means that I might know all this stuff, but I’ve got to speak it, look at it, study it, consider it, explore it, expand on it, investigate it, question it, question myself within it – I mean, I’ve got to live, and no matter how much I know or what I have learned as acquired knowledge – without the natural flow of self expression, including expressing myself with/as myself here alone – nothing I learn is of any use.


Sometimes I get a little extreme with this point of applying knowledge, where a solution really looks and sounds great, and I just want to force it onto my life, just try to impose it and stick with it, and then it is like, if it doesn’t work, I feel shitty and I judge myself because “I had the answer, why did I fall? How could I have fallen, I did everything right!”. I can see that this kind of assessment is what ends up fucking with me because I think I have the answer, and then there are like these rules formed – what to do and what not to do – and based on how I follow this, I judge myself – good for following the rules, bad for not following the rules. What I fail to consider here is that there are no rules – just directive principles that are necessary to be explored in terms of how they can be practically applied in my particular situation. This takes quite some doing because with the mess that this world is in, to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ requires doing so within a system that is inherently abusive towards life. I mean, everything about the way we live is evil by virtue of our participation in an evil system which causes massive and untold suffering.


By giving myself the gift of writing, I am giving myself an opportunity to work out practically what it would mean to apply the principles which I want to live by – equality and oneness. It is through writing that I can ask myself simple questions, where I can consider decisions and choices and through the principle of 1+1+1+1….I am able to eventually work things out. If I come to a limit in what I can do in writing, then perhaps a point requires more research or physical investigation. I can see that the desire to ‘want to know what to do’ and ‘have all the answers already’ is something that fucks me and in the past has pushed me to make rash decisions. I have to hold my own hand and actually walk this process, with a kind of patience – the ind of patience that does not require effort but rather only breath, because within this I am trusting myself to always be here to support myself in walking this process, and thus the fear of loss diminishes and I can allow patience as self expression to emerge.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for/try to create answers within the desire to do so that is birthed in the fear of loss, as a result of not applying myself in self writing and making the unconditional commitment to simply support myself and get to know myself through writing and whatever other tasks/activities my process may entail


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create rules for myself to follow within the belief that I have things figured out – not stopping to question why it might be so difficult to follow these rules and to investigate this experience as part of the overall process of walking myself through this experience and directing myself within it


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for knowledge as the desire for ‘profound answers’ rather than simply living myself in physical application as living knowledge as who I am


I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing as a self expression here in the moment and to direct myself within self writing without preconceived ideas – I commit myself to ask myself questions and consider decisions and possible outcomes in working out what equality and oneness in practical application would look like


When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to make rash decisions based within the fear of loss or because I fear a point – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in my desire – rather, I continue to focus on breath until this desire passes.I simply remain here as breath as a form of self support and self comfort, to show self that ‘hey, I’m here, I am stable, I am not going anywhere, I do not have to obey my mind, I do not have to believe my fear’, I do not have to be a slave to this fear’ and that life is in fact possible without the mind – I embrace the nothingness of breath within and as the certainty that I am here and as long as I am here in self trust as the commitment to live self honestly as breath – I will always make decisions that support the breath of life