Day 10: Feeling overwhelmed and getting ahead of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to become overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to list and think about all the things various things that ‘I must do’ as if my process is a chore or a task that must be completed as if I simply want to finish it and ‘get it over with’

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to ‘get ahead of myself’ by only thinking about what I want to do or feel I should do, and not actually simply sitting down in the moment and applying myself in whatever needs to be done

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t know what to do or how to do it

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to direct myself by simply applying myself in self writing by using the excuse of lostness

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that what must be done is ‘too big’ and difficult and a struggle, and within this belief I believe that I am inferior and incapable of applying myself

I forgive myself that I’ve used self judgment as ‘being bad’ for not living up to my own unrealistic, self sabotaging expectations as a way to cut myself off from applying and living myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to be patient with myself in completing whatever task may be at hand, whether it be reading, writing, studying or anything

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to do whatever it takes to support the body to be able to be effective in my daily self application

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize the simplicity of and use the tool of breath, as a self support when my thoughts become overwhelming

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that when I am overwhelmed with thoughts, I am not breathing, and that I can simply utilize breathing as a way to ground myself here and stop my mind from racing

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to, within the experience of feeling overwhelmed, find and use excuses as ideas about why I can’t or should not apply myself

I commit myself to apply myself within my process daily and move myself through all resistances and thoughts and feelings of being overwhelmed

I commit myself to support myself when my thoughts become too much and I am overwhelmed, to stop and simply breathe and direct and ground that energy so that I may move myself

I commit myself to take my process one step at a time and stop the tendency to race and get ahead of myself, and realize and understand that I am able to apply myself in every moment and that life can only be lived and directed one moment at a time in simplicity, common sense and self honesty

I forgive myself to stop using excuses and justifications of apparently not being able to apply myself in process and prove to myself that I am able to move and apply myself consistently, moment by moment, breath by breath

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Day 9: Giving up love as a feeling – the life of a hedonist

I fear giving up love extensively as I have associated love and having a girlfriend and sex with good feelings quite extensively, and I have come to associate good feelings with self support, when in fact a feeling is in no way any real indication as to whether or not I am in fact supporting myself.

So this ‘love’ come in the form of good feelings, and these feelings keep me stuck in the mind, always energetically charged to never see anything clearly and direct but rather stuck within the polarities of my mind as how I have previously defined my world in my mind. It is interesting how energy takes one away from the physical, like you are not even here in your own body – where are you?

The main ways in which I have pursued this energy is through relationships, both sexual and friendships, weed, certain foods, certain activities. There are various habits and ‘energetic triggers, but for today I will focus on the main ones.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by love and a relationship and sex, within the hope of fulfilling the dream of feeling good and ecstasy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to feel such extremely good feelings as ecstasy so that I may escape my reality and not have to face and take responsibility for my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that an escape can exist and that when I experience good feelings I will escape my reality and how I experience myself within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to lose myself in good feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to trust good feelings, good thoughts, and good self judgments as positive thoughts about myself as ego

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate good feelings with self support and to believe the experience of when I am having good feelings, that I am apparently ‘doing ok’ and am supported and happy and satisfied

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that feelings will never satisfy me and that as long as I continue searching for good feelings, the search will be never ending and will always become more extreme and desperate

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live as an absolute hedonist

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge and hate and separate myself from what I have become as a hedonist

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to live only for good feelings and believe that life can exist and be experienced within and as good feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to always stop and question in the moment – where are these good feelings coming from? Why and how have I come to feel this way?

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to question my feelings and emotions deeply, meaning to make it my main priority to investigate my inner world as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, extensively enough that I have real understanding of how and why I experience myself as I do, so that I may direct myself and live within the principle of equality and oneness as life as doing what is best for all in every way

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through smoking weed

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through having relationships and friendships and conversations with others wherein we are united only by our separation and within this support each other from that starting point of separation and misunderstanding

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out good feelings through eating foods that taste good

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out feelings and energy through touching and physical contact

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out and generate energy and feelings by talking about other as gossip and making judgments about others which in some way will reflect on me as superior in my minds eye to give me this feeling/experience of superiority

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I am always seeking out a way to experience good feelings as a way to escape and suppress how I actually exist and experience myself within

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that compensating myself with good feelings is only ever pushing me further and further away from every understanding why I experience myself in such an unacceptable way, and developing and establishing myself to be able to live in a way where I am satisfied as I am living one and equal to life as life as myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use spitefulness and judgments of others based on their addictions, habits or even complete hedonism, and use such examples and judgments as an excuse as to why I do not change myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to be the love, support and change that I would like to experience as real self support, lived here in the physical, one and equal

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind with energy by seeking out good feelings through various acts such as sex, drugs, food and entertainment

I commit myself to stop living as a hedonist and give equally to myself and others as I would like to receive, and stop taking to satisfy the illusory hunger that I have created through abandoning myself and living in my mind

I commit myself to support myself daily through self application as self writing, and doing research to support myself in understanding why I am the way I am, why I do what I do, and see the common sense of stopping my life as I have always known it as patterns of seeking out and chasing energy and ‘higher’ experience of myself, and living in a way that is best for all life

I commit myself to stop my own self abusive addictive behavior so that I may contribute to a better world for all life, and love my neighbors as myself as my neighbors are myself in another lifetime

I commit myself to stop trying to escape myself through energy addiction as experiencing good feelings and face myself head-on in self support as a living way of life

I commit myself to learn and do whatever is necessary to understand and give up a life of hedonism and live in a way that is best for all life

Day 8 – Rebellion

When I was young I remember often being very unhappy. There always seemed to be a way of the world which I did not understand or did not follow, and such rules were always imposed on me and pointed out by others, such as my parents. It was always rules or morals or something. Over time I ended up hating figures of authority, someone or something representing this system. In many ways my hate seem justified as on some level i know that much of what was presented to me as an authority figure was bullshit – meaning that it was not necessarily in my and everyones best interest. Some people in my life admired this ability and fearlessness to rebel, and i recognized that too and by my teenage years, being able to rebel was an asset.

This is where it has become a problem. My tendency to rebel has become associated with doing almost anything that is virtuous, or held in some kind of high regard, high ideals, anything noble, anything of integrity and decency – basically anything falling under the umbrella of ‘good’ because i have come to associate all good ideals with the authority figures and morality system that have in the past, presented and professed such ideals. If anything, being deliberately bad was my way of being good. I’ve been totally backwards. It is like i have always had to rebel to support myself but now it is at the point where there is no one left to rebel against, and that now i am just rebelling against myself.

How have i gotten to this point? Well, in the beginning i separated myself from the system as these authority figures by rebelling. In doing that i failed to understand this system for what it really was. Within this, ended up becoming that which I separated myself from, and for the same reasons that others have created their morality systems, i had created mine. Why do we create these high ideals? In my own experience, i have created these high ideals because I have feared living them in fact – i have feared being self honest in the moment in the physical world, so i constructed a mental reality through which i could project myself.

It is almost ‘natural’ to do this, as it is the only form of consolation –albeit delusional – one can conjure up when a fall is allowed to happen, otherwise how could we live with ourselves, knowing how we have allowed ourselves to fall so? How else could I justify it?

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to rebel against the system and myself as the system

I forgive myself that i am part of the system, one and equal to it, and thus the absolute foolishness of rebelling against the system and taking pride in being a ‘rebel’

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create ideas about process as ideals/moral judgments which I will then naturally rebel against

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate my past experiences with morality and authority figures and high ideals with process, self honesty and doing what is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see that my rebellion is based in spitefulness, separation and misunderstanding

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create process as a morality system within which I can bounce back and forth endlessly getting lost in the polarity of ‘high ideals’ and ‘evil ideals’ as desires/habits/patterns

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to pride myself on ‘being bad’ in the eyes of the system as being a rebel

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge myself based on a falsely created moral standard as good ideals

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that there is no one to rebel against, that there are no ‘bad guys’ out there as authority figures and that the only one who I am rebelling against is myself and within this i am spiting myself and harming myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create the system and authority figures as an entity within my own mind which i then allow to haunt me and to live in this shadow of fear in which i rebel against these illusions by harming myself and doing deliberately bad things

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to do deliberately ‘bad’ things for the sake of being bad – whether perceived or in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate being deliberately bad – whether such actions are purely perceptual or not – with self support

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate being deliberately bad and rebelling with self support

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I can only rebel against myself as i am a part of this existence, one and equal, that it can only ever be me fighting me, me rebelling against me, me hurting me

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see that I am my own worst enemy.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate self support and process with the system and system morality and within this, feel as though when i am supporting myself or standing within my process, that I am ‘lame’

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge and ridicule self support and doing what is best for all as ‘lame’ and ‘corny’ as a way of separating myself from real love and support to make myself appear as though i am superior to it or stronger than it

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to separate myself from system morality as judging and defining it as ‘lame’ as a characterised label which i then  project onto actual self support and living in a way that is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see the correlation between falling and creating high ideals/morals and that when i allow myself to fall i will tend to project myself as higher ideals to follow and live by

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to rebel merely for the sake of rebelling within the idea/principle that rebelling is always a ‘good thing’ as I have come to associate spitefulness as rebellion with doing something good as self support

I commit myself to stand here within my process of self application to equalize myself with others self directively, and not based on some moral standard which i have created

I commit myself to remain here within the physical in self application, to stop all fears and judgments of the mind and trust myself here within and as the physical to apply myself in every moment

I commit myself to stop living by high ideals and expose and stop the falls/habits/patterns that drive me to create high ideals as morality

I commit myself to make my process and physically lived process applied here in the physical, and stop thinking or trying to understand or live or apply myself within my own mind as thoughts of morality and high ideals

I commit myself to see and understand how I have come to believe that separating myself from others as my physical reality apparently is good for me as a delusional self interested de-man, and commit myself to understanding how living in a way that is best for all life as equality is in fact what is best for self beyond the shadow of a doubt

Day 7 – chasing the ultimate energy high as sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe in and look for ‘something more, somewhere out there’ that is ‘greater than/more profound than’ myself and the experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I will find something more than/greater than me as some kind of divine/profound/godly experience.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to disregard the physical, my physical human body and self responsibility through the search to attain and experience energy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to build up energy that becomes compounded as sexual energy which then creates a desire wherein I desire to release and live-out this energy through the acts of sex and masturbation

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use sex, masturbation, and other recreational activities, things I may enjoy or find relaxing as a way of escaping myself and abandoning myself and my reality to feel good and numb myself through good feelings and overloading myself with energy and energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to wait and look for something that does not exist as ‘the ultimate energy high’

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to sleep and to take into living consideration that the physical body requires sleep before it is over-due, because I am looking/waiting for something as the next energetic high as sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that the sexual energy that I experience is real and that I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed, swept away and consumed by this energy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to look for these feelings and experiences as sex and love through women and beautiful women who I then consider and define as potential candidates to be a partner/bride within this starting point

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to develop relationships that do not in fact support me but rather relationship in which energetic vampirism is the norm and expectation

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I will never find the experience of myself that I am looking for because that experience is only an idea which does not and can not exist within and as the physical reality as I am in fact equal here as the physical and can never be anything more or less than this in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to ‘build myself up’ energetically through stimulation, feeding myself energy, within the pursuit of the ultimate self deception as a false experience of myself as the ‘ultimate high’ of having sex with a woman which I have defined desirable based on societal definitions and my own contrasting inner-lack and desire to be more/have more/experience more

Day 6 – self hatred and the search for love

June 4, 2012

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to accept a pattern of chasing love as energy, within the specified form of a ‘beautiful woman’ as determined by society as a whole – self included – as this form is a means to an end which is to have an energetic experience of myself of specialness and superiority

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to abandon myself in search if love as a feeling as energy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to generate energy as excitement over a person because I have allowed myself to believe that she is ‘beautiful’ as a beautiful picture

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to limit and define beauty to pictures

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that how I feel based on how a person looks – is real

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that beauty exist as women that I and others have defined as beautiful

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see the relationship connection between self hatred and the pursuit of love as having a partner in love

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see how love as how it currently exists as an energetic expression is in fact based in hate and spite

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I go in pursuit of love as a relationship with another, I am spiting myself and cutting myself off from myself and abandoning myself within the belief/idea/principle that I am not good enough, am inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see that the pattern of finding love, attaining it, and then losing it – is self created self deception, an illusory creation that is used to keep self enslaved and distracted to never actually stand up and support self as life as living within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see the ride that I am taking when I play the love game – an energetic ride where I start by getting high but then lose it all when I inevitably find out that this love was never real in the first place and as deceptively sold to myself under the guise of love to cover up the desire, self spite, longing and yearning for self that is in fact an expression of self rejection and self abandonment

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I will find happiness and love in another

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see that real love begins with self support as self love – which means to stop the patterns of energetic addiction to love and earth myself here as breath within and as the physical

I commit myself to stop the patterns, habits and tendencies I have created in the search for love and the belief that I will find love in another who is apparently beautiful and special. I commit myself to stand here as self love as breath, within the principle of self love as equality, lived and applied.

I commit myself to expose my own self deception about love and beautiful women, to expose that the search for love is a wild goose chase based within self hatred, inequality, inferiority and spitefulness that always end in disappointment and despair

I commit myself to stop deceiving and hurting myself with hopes and dreams of love

I commit myself to understand and expose how the search for love is in fact the search for energy in disguise as the minds possessive and obsessive search for energy that will never stop and can never be satisfied until my physical body is completely drained and destroyed and myself along with it – I commit myself to expose the evil nature of the mind and its insatiable appetite for energy as friction between two points – whether it be love or hatred between myself and another because the ‘love’ is in fact equal to hatred and is hatred in essence

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out and desire to generate and experience energy through creating friction between myself and a point or any two points