Day 75: Relationships, desires and fears

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others through blaming others and that I have allowed myself to believe that being angry at someone will make things better, by only using emotions and fear and intimidation to have others submit their will to me – I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that this is not an effective way to find a desirable outcome as it is only based in self interest and fear and not based in the physical world and what is best for all, not taking others and all life into consideration

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to be confused and delusional in confusing that which is physical for that which is mental as my own self interested desires, and that within this I have allowed myself to take my desires seriously and believe them to be real

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I have the right to be angry and abusive towards others just because I have allowed myself to believe that I have been wronged or hurt by them – and that even if this were so, it does not warrant or justify abusing others in return because this in no way stops abuse towards myself – it only perpetuates it

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that much of my anger, fear and desires in relationships is related to money and fears of not having money and the desire to have money – and that I am attempting to construct relationship definitions according to money and monetary conditions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create entire relationships only based on desires

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined caring as control and to want and attempt to control others in my life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to support others and to share my money and my good fortune with others only because I desire something

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to care for others unconditionally – but instead placed conditions on others within which they are only able to be accepted and loved by me – and that I have not allowed myself to see that this love is not real

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually care for others as embracing them as myself unconditionally simply listening to others and considering others as myself without any preconceived expectations of whether or not I find another acceptable or not

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I love another when in fact I only have desires and want power and control

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to own another human being or have any kind of power or dominance over another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to make commitments and decisions when I am not clear in my starting point

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that if I do not have power, control or ownership over another or a situation, that I will not experience love or happiness and that I will lose and life will be shitty

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to think badly about others and not realize that that which I see as negative in others is in fact myself, and that I am in fact the evil that I see when I react to others – and that through doing this, I am in fact creating this evil and sustaining its existence through the belief that this evil is real and it is within others as if it were something outside of me and outside of my directive principle, as if I am not equally responsible for this evil – I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe in evil and that this evil exist within others or myself – and even if another has fallen and become evil, I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to believe that this is really who the person is and that this evil will last and stand the test of time – when all indications show that the evil is never real and always end with time/death

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to limit relationships to polarized definitions of ‘together/not together’ and other forms of on/off or good/bad, or my special relationship (girlfriend) vs normal relationships – when in fact relationships are always existing and do not simplistically fit into these definitions and that relationships can not be created from these definitions, meaning: just because I have defined someone as special to me, does not mean that they will care about me or be perfect – as who they are to me is not about me but rather who they are to themselves – and thus I am not able to create expectations based on definitions because definitions are created from people who are not clear/perfect – and thus this will be a process to walk to purify and correct relationships so that they are equal, and that my desire to walk away from the work that is involved and facing these situations is based within my desire to simply ‘have it all’ be perfect and suddenly, just magically find the perfect love and happiness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to have a girlfriend and a relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to make something more out of my relationship that what it really is – I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to make something more out of my feelings than what they really are

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Day 74: Process, writing, self support Part 3

Today, thoughts pertaining to wanting and desiring a ‘quick fix’ to my and the worlds problems kept coming up, with an underlying anxiety and fear of the future.

forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as a quick fix and that I’ve allowed myself to desire this quick fix solution and that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that there is no such thing as a quick fix and that real change takes real commitment in every moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough to others and that I must try hard to impress others so that they think highly of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that school must be boring because I must be something else or someone else at school hat others expect me to be

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to use that which I have learned about the mind and how the mind system and its various points function to their full use to assist and support me in understanding myself and stopping past habits/patterns

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to give myself the time to organize and pace myself practically throughout my day, both through practical consideration planning and moment to moment awareness as breath so that I may remain here aware to assist and support the body as I live, experience, express and apply myself through the human body throughout my day

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I want to be free from self responsibility and that it is even possible to be free suddenly somehow

back again tomorrow – to be continued…

Day 73: Process, writing, self support Part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require and must depend on something outside of me separate from me, to move me, to live, to have a ‘reason’ for my existence as something I look toward which is in essence a God as it influences and directs me, and that these such points I have created in my world determine who I am entirely

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to separate life from itself in forms of inferiority/superiority which contrast each other as myself and other/the world around me which move each other according to fear and spitefulness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require feelings to exist

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can understand life through and as a feeling as the mind

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can understand life through knowledge of the mind

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to work with the mind as a tool through writing out and investigating points as they come up as soon as they are able to be looked at so that I may get to know me, learn more about myself – as a practical tool that is used without energetic attachment of desiring a specific outcome but rather to simply investigate myself here

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that only through thorough and specific investigation here in the moment am I able to see and understand how I work and how I currently exist in full detail of how my mind systems work so that I may support myself in disengaging from the mind systems that I have allowed myself to bind myself to within the belief that I cannot stand/live

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that life is so difficult that I require something outside of myself to move me and support me and take care of me – when self honesty in the beginning and consistently here as each breath is all that is ever required

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use the fear of other and the fear of what others think of me to drive me to either limit myself expression or express myself within limitation

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I must stand out or be special in order to be relevant and thus seek attention from this starting point

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear walking with myself and working with myself as is necessary and required in this process – to face me and embrace me – and that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that this is the only way that anything will ever change and to not face self means to ensure continued problems and deterioration of life

Day 72: Process, writing, self support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a ‘love/hate’  relationship with my process wherein I allow myself to define/perceive participating in process/applying myself as ‘good’ and therefore then I am good and have the ‘right’ to continue speaking and being active in what I have defined as process, and then define not applying myself in process as bad and judge myself when I do not apply myself in process, therefore I go on momentum swings where I build myself up energetically through applying myself in process which compounds until I fall, at which point that fall will also gain momentum and compound as it carries with it a negative energetic charge that influences and directs me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that process is a constant experience that may even continue after death as the physical continue after death, and thus, I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that there is no escape from process, there is no being ‘in it’ or ‘out of it’ – there is only a distinction in terms of doing process actively/with awareness, or doing process through consequential experience – and that one way or another I will learn, I will change, but that I am able to facilitate this change and make it easier on myself through applying myself actively, and thus it is foolish to attach  negative/positive definitions to applying self in process as this is not about morality of right and wrong as ‘what I am supposed to do’ – as if I am only doing it because I must/because others want me to/because I should out of fear of others/consequence – I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that applying myself in process is simply self support that is able to be applied at any time, at any place and is most effectively done in the moment as I am dealing with point, either as they come up within me or as I engage them and face myself self honestly

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge myself for not writing as being ‘bad’

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge myself for writing as being ‘good’

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that there is something ‘better’ than living myself in self support and self honesty – I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that there is more to experience than what is here as life in the physical reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from applying myself in my process through creating high expectations that are not necessarily vital to my process, such as format, or a desired outcome

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that to apply myself in process a bit is better than to not do so at all and that process must be practical/relevant to the points I am facing in may day to day experiences and thus effective – and nothing more – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create expectations around my process that are impractical such as for instance formatting or having to do it every day by a certain deadline

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I do not enjoy applying myself in process or that it is work or tedious as if there is something more/better out there to be experienced, when in fact there is only life to be experienced and nothing more/better and that it is through process that I may support myself to step out of the mind and actually experience this life as myself

To be continued in part 2