Day 240: Making a big deal out of things

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In the last few days, I went through some tough points, where my mind would just race – and I mean this could last for hours on end, where my mind would just not stop and breathing and writing were my only recourse. I am doing something that I have never allowed myself to do fully, which is to face myself within a relationship – all the fear of loss, all the secret desires I have that stem from the fear of not surviving/the fear of death.

 

What I have to say about these kinds of experiences is that they are difficult as hell, and yet it is always in those moments when you breath and you do not accept and allow yourself to let the mind run rampant and to participate in the insanity of the thoughts and emotions and feelings that come up in the mind, it is amazing what steps forth afterwards. For instance tonight I noticed that my communication with my partner was much more effective and direct, contributing to a more healthy and effective relationship and interaction/experience with each other. The same thing can be applied when walking through any tough point – namely an addiction, because essentially those ‘tough moments’ where the mind races is just the mind going into panic mode and pulling out all stops to save itself, because it knows it is not getting the energy it needs to sustain its existence. When you get over that ‘hump’ – we’ll, you will just have to do ahead and do it to see what is possible on the other side – a whole new world opens up that you could have never imagined.

 

Now the point here is not to move out of one polarity extreme of negativity and just let the pendulum swing back into the extreme of positivity, as if now everything in ones world is now suddenly magically ok and to go find some point of ‘happiness’ to again continue the cycle of cycling through positive and negative mental states – that is really dangerous and for a moment tonight, I felt as if I had ‘nothing to write’ today. There is always something to write about, and when I am at that point of readiness then it is really an opportunity to take on more self-responsibility, to take on more of myself, to go deeper into myself – to step-up my process. I am living an extremely fortunate life at the moment and I really have every opportunity to support myself and contribute to make this world a better place for all life. For this, living actions are required, not mental states of positivity.

 

Now I have found within myself a very general tendency to make a big deal out of shit. Meaning that there is a tendency to give ‘added values’ to things, people and events in my world, whether that value is positive in nature, the point is that the value is mental in nature as it is personally given from my persona in a way that is meant to suit the way in which that persona would like to present itself and itself reality, how it would even like to interpret itself and its reality. Suffice it to say this is abusive, and really just unnecessary. I am able to do such things by justifying it as if I have some noble cause, but it is always self-serving in the end.

 

We have word for making something more out of what something really is – sensationalism, theatrics, drama – it is all a form of attention seeking because you are the one with the hot ‘news story’: did you know the news? It’s this new value I’ve given this thing, isn’t that new, different and exciting? So it is like within the way I have designed myself to be able to survive in this world and be able to get attention and be recognized by others, I have designed my own little propaganda machine in my own mind, that announces the news every now and again to those who apparently need to know.

 

This doesn’t work in real life and there are always consequences – it is a bias, it is deceptive, it is brainwashing in purely presenting something as something that it is not – even if it is a matter of a slight twist or exaggeration, this does not make it any less of what it is in essence.

 

The way in which I present these things always relate in some way, directly or indirectly, back to me and how I present myself – and this existing within the fear of loss: having created a persona that I then fear losing because, I know deep down that it is not real, and so I go on creating all kinds of others illusions about the things that define me to keep that self-definition alive. “school sucks, its so stupid!” (fighting for my own limitation s of not being effectively studious) “this music is so great!!” (makes me great by association for liking it) – “you are so pretty!” (makes me nice for saying it). Anyways these are just some vague examples of what I am sharing here.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fight for my own limitations by defining reality/myself as more than/less that what it really is in fact, in a way that reflects on me to present myself as something that I am not in fact, which I would like to be but am not willing to do what it takes to live it for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own reactions to myself and my reality

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the changes in the tonality in my voice and the energy I am experiencing within myself when I speak certain words about certain people, places, things and events to see if I am in fact clear or if I am referring to knowledge and information of something to present it as something that it is not

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yield a specific response or outcome in that which I communicate and present my reality as

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a big deal about things, whether it be in the form of humor, drama, negativity, positivity, within the tendency to look for reactions and get attention – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sensationalize reality and myself within the belief that I will have something more/gain some kind of power/control if I present things in such a way

 

I commit myself to be straightforward and direct in my communication and the way in which I present, define and recognize my reality – I commit myself to stop giving added value, positive or negative, to myself, things, people and events in my world both in my own mind and in my interaction with others

 

I commit myself to stop judging my reality and through such judgments, sensationalize and dramatize my reality

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to present reality in a certain way to try and get a certain kind of response from others that will give me some form of recognition and reflect well on me

 

When and as I see myself wanting to present/explain something as exciting/cool/awesome, or as shitty/boring/stupid to other people, as that which I have defined as positive and negative in my own mind according to what will serve my own self definition – I stop, i breathe, I do not allow myself to be influenced and directed by such desires to get attention and present myself as something I am not, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to let go of the fear of what others think of me, and equalize myself to all things and never again allow myself to present myself as something more than what I am as life as to be more than, means to be less than, inevitably

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Day 239: The kind of attention you don’t want

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Support is only able to be given explicitly to those who seek it. Support is a word that we tend to define only by actions and not as a state of being, as it is with so many words/expressions. Support is something that starts with self, and must be absolute, if we are to create a world of support, a world that is best for all life – how can we hope to support others if we are unable to support ourselves, consistently and absolutely. This is an insight I had today that I wanted to share but will not be the main theme of this blog.

 

Today I was having some reactions to other people. Specifically, I was getting annoyed with people sending me fake love bullshit. In the last couple days I been getting a lot of attention from people who were, basically, hitting on me, meaning that they had some kind of romantic or sexual fantasy/desire/motive in talking to me. Frankly, this the kind of attention I have always sought as a male, it is like my ‘dream come true’ apparently, to get that kind of attention from women, but now that I understand the true, hidden nature of that kind of attention, I don’t want it. It is really not the kind of attention anyone would want, if they understood what is was they were participating in. Everyone just wants something. People sweet-talk you and tell you all kinds of nice bullshit, but they just want something because they are afraid and inferior and believe that having someone (who fits a certain profile) give them attention and recognition will apparently satisfy them or make their life better it some way. Guess what? It won’t. Relationships that are based in this kind of dependency are a lie, and will always be revealed as such, in time.

 

This point is reflective of my own tendency to go looking for love, believing that it will complete me, believing that certain people that fit a certain profile will be able to bring me that kind of experience, and that having this kind of experience will help me/make me happy/satisfy me/complete me: and again, it won’t. The only person that is able to give the attention and support that I yearn for is myself, and I would not yearn if it were not for the fact that I am still very much in the process of learning how to give that to myself.

 

Another notable point if reaction within me today was seeing my girlfriend ogling some celebrity guy. All kinds of shit can come up, a bit of jealousy but mostly fear: what if this is a bad sign? How can I trust this person? And then some judgment: ‘that is shallow’, ‘superficial’. Hell, there were even pre-emptive thoughts, thinking maybe the grass would be greener on the other side somewhere – fortunately now I see that I will be facing the exact same challenge no matter what relationship I am in: myself.

 

Why would I fear such things? The only way such bullshit reactions could ever bother me so is if I am not standing resolved to stop my own desires. Am I totally clear? Do pictures of ‘beautiful’ women still influence me? Do I have any secret desires? If I had the opportunity to give into such desires, would I have the integrity to not do it?

 

So the point here is that which I fear in another is only that which I fear of me. I fool myself sometimes with the prospect of losing my parter – the fear of loss – but I mean, if someone is not even able to value themselves/myself sufficiently to give up secrets/desires/abusive behavior, why the hell would I want them in my life?

 

This is the mistake we make so often in relationships: believing and projecting that some person or some experience will bring us joy and satisfy us, and we get so lost in this belief that we sacrifice ourselves within our fear of losing this point, we compromise ourselves the point of being completely miserable, in the name of the search for happiness and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the answer to my problems in life is a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to try and escape my reality by trying to get a certain energetic experience out of my relationships

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am not getting attention in my relationship, that I am apparently not being loved

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined love as attention and thus the more attention I get, the more love I feel and the less attention I get, the less love I feel

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to loo for attention from the starting point of the belief that getting attention, especially positive attention, will satisfy me and complete me and make my life better

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to present myself as caring for others more than I actually do in fact, purely because I know that I give this kind of positive attention, it will be given back to me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to control my relationship through asserting a form of dominance wherein I am always trying to ensure that I will get the attention and energy that I want

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others as shallow, when I can be equally shallow and have been equally shallow

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process would be easier if I were in a relationship with a Destonian, or if I were single

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want others to see me as attractive so that I can get/experience positive energy from them as attention

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise who I am as integrity and principles that are best for all life, just because I want attention as energy – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting this energy or feel bad/sad/angry when I do not get it

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad or angry or throw other forms of tantrum in my mind when I am not getting the attention I desire, or when I see it being given to others I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become jealous when see others getting positive attention/affection, not realizing within this that I am actually allowing within myself inferiority and the desire to be validated

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to experience attention/energy as a form of friction, the friction that is created between myself and another through the ways in which we have defined ourselves as separate and live-out this self definitions as the fear of each other

 

I commit myself to support myself whenever I yearn for attention and affection from others as it is always a prime opportunity for me to support me and for me to be intimate with me

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out on another because I think/feel/believe they are not caring for me or because I feel I am not getting what I want from them , I stop, I breathe, I see, understand and realize that this is the mind throwing a tantrum in it’s desire to have energy when it is not getting any energy, and thus I do not participate in this desire to act on my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to stop giving others special attention because of how I have defined them as ones who can potentially give me positive attention

 

I commit myself to stand as stability as having a clear starting point in my interaction with others which is based in that which is best for all life – not giving myself attention, love and happy feelings as energy

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to try and control things with the specific outcome in mind of getting attention/energy

Day 238: The desire for attention from others

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In my last post I did forgiveness on the desire to have a positive experience/interaction with others. This is basically a form of attention, where I give attention to others in a positive way and others give positive attention to me. Fascinatingly now that am writing, I notice that the word attention is at-tension – because when we give attention from the starting point of validating our egos, it puts a strain on us, we are at a point of tension, as I notice that when I do too much of this energetically-charged kind of positive interaction, I end up totally drained and depleted of energy.

When we don’t get the kind of attention and recognition that we are used to getting from others, suddenly we go into a kind of sadness, a kind of loneliness, a kind of depression. The mind basically starts throwing a tantrum because it is simply not getting the energy it requires to validate itself. I mean people don’t like to be alone because it means they are left alone with who they are, without anyone to validate it and make it real for them. You may also notice this with others – the pressure to act and behave a certain way with others, because you know that if you don’t behave in certain ways and act they way they are used to/expect you to, you may have a problem. Suddenly others are not getting what they want and a justification is found to sever communication or end the relationship. I am facing exactly this point, both wanting the attention/recognition/energy, and fearing not giving it to others.

 The fact is that we can not continue to exist this way because it is just a conditional relationship that has no real integrity. I mean what is the point in having those kind of interactions, especially knowing that inevitably they will likely end. I mean it is just not sustainable because it is really not about enjoying, experiencing and interacting with others, it is about getting what you want – energy – and so if one person doesn’t do the job, we’ll just go searching for another who will.

 The energy and attention that we get is always related in some way to our self definition – who we are as how we have defined ourselves and how others define us. So when we’re getting that attention, is is giving recognition to all that self definition, validating it – without it, we are not being ‘recognized’ as that point of self definition that we have come to exist as.

 We are looking for others to validate illusions about ourselves. To feel like we have a big community of friends and family and people all around who like us and care for us and all that good stuff – why is that need and desire to have that experience so great? Because we know the reality of things – we know it is not the truth of our reality, and thus we create the illusion that everything is fine with the positive attention we give to each other. We don’t have to face who we actually are and what we have become in this reality, so we go on validating the illusions of ourselves that we’ve created by acting on them as the starting point of our interaction with others, where everybody is just constantly giving each other a little stroke, fucking each other in the ears with positive attention bullshit. I mean even when we are not getting the positive attention we want, we will throw a tantrum within the awareness that at least some kind of energy will come forth, and will sadly endure even more abuse now in the form of negative attention – anything will do. I mean it is like what is said about celebrities and famous people do: any publicity is good publicity.

 This point has also arisen within the context of relationships between two partners, because this is the reason why people get jealous – because we see how our partners do the same shit we’re doing, looking for attention, and when we see them get it from others, we react. And yet somehow we feel it is perfectly fine to get all that attention for ourselves, from whoever we can. Mike McDonald coined the term ‘energy slut’, a term that slightly improves upon and the conventional ‘attention whore’ term – and that is exactly what it is, being a virtual whore for energy – anything and anyone will do. When looking at this point within the context of my relationship, my initial tendency was to make sure that we basically did not do this with others so that we would not be jealous, but then I realize that it is not about who we do it with, that does not somehow justify and validate it. If anything, doing it in a relationship is the most dangerous because that is where people are giving each other massive, intense amounts of energy. My irrational fear is that if I do not continue to feed the relationship this kind of energy, that it will end, but if I continue, it is a certainty that it will end. I mean even if it lasted, it would not be worth it, because it is just asking for a relationship full of problems. Most relationships are really just a form of dependency. We are going to have to change this. We are going to have to learn how to really treat each other, how to really care for real, how to really support, to make real, sustainable agreements that are not based on energy and require upkeep as giving positive attention.

 The tendency for me to do this is great. The tendency for me to want this is great. For this reason I also have a tendency to go to the extreme of wanting to be like ‘fuck it, I am totally not going to do that anymore!’, but it is not about that, it is not about saying fuck that thing and then doing another thing – it is about simply breathing through the desire to want to act that way/be treated that way, and not allowing ourselves to be influenced by these energies within us when they arise.

 There must be a starting point of who we are in our world and our interactions that is based on reality, that is based on what is best for ourselves and all life and that paves the path of the road to successful and sustainable living. As long as everybody is too busy worried about playing this game, about who they apparently are (or rather, who they believe themselves to be) in this cult of personality, our relationships and our world will continue to be a mess.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and that I have not embraced my aloneness as the unconditional acceptance and embracing of myself.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go seeking/looking for positive attention from others, and to contextualize all of my behavior by this desire to get attention from others and have a positive experience with others.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define others caring for me as giving me attention, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to quantify love and caring as how much energy as attention I am being given, not realizing that I am in fact equating and quantifying how much energy I am getting

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply give into the unexpected/unintended attention others give me because I am too weak to establish and ensure that the interaction is specific, supportive, real, and that which is best for all

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to judge myself and others for being energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be an energy slut and within the desire to be an energy slut, want and desire to have other energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I judge another for being an energy slut and looking for attention, I am only proving that I am an energy slut through my inability to remain stable and clear and be directive

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get stimulated and excited and activate all kind of energies/personalities/opinions/knowledge/beliefs when I am speaking and speak/interact with others, because I know I am in the opportunity zone to get attention from others and thus I go into this entire mental experience where my words are compromised as they are energetically driven from the starting point of wanting/getting attention and wanting a positive outcome/experience

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so easily distracted by other people because I am so concerned with getting attention with them and the kind of attention I will get from them and thus will become super reactive/have a heightened sense of awareness’ because I am being so careful about the point of ‘how do i manipulate this in a way where I will get the attention that I want?’

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how loneliness and missing others is in fact missing the energy I experience when I get attention from others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine my relationships and who I will interact with and who I will be more drawn to, based on who I would like-most to give me attention, based on their status in society/the eyes of others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be seen/regarded as special /important with the point of getting attention from others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on the substance and content of my relationship and instead just focused on making sure there is lots of attention getting and positive energy transfers

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand on the behalf of those who are still hopelessly addicted to energy and require attention always through not judging them or reacting to them because I am in fact stopping my own desire for energy/attention/fulfillment/validation from another

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to make myself attractive, likeable and desirable within the eyes of the system so that I can get energy as attention from others

 I commit myself to embrace myself here alone and give myself the attention and recognition that I never gave myself – not as a sentiment, but as an actual physical act of ‘living self worth’ by taking on challenges, goals, accomplishing things, expanding myself, growing myself, educating myself, improving myself, working towards outcomes that will be best for my life and the lives of others

 I commit myself to give recognition, value and attention to myself as the self honest commitment to stop the mind, stop all weaknesses, stop all fears, stop all desires for attention as energy from others

 I commit myself to stop going looking for energy from others and rather, remain here as breath as the physical

 I commit myself to not give-in to the desire to get attention when others call upon me by trying to turn it into/contextualize it by some kind of positive energetic experience of giving each other attention and value, and thus I commit myself to ensure that all interactions are specific and supportive to myself and others, and yet I commit myself to watch the tendency to want to ‘force it’ by trying to make others understand this point and if nothing can be done, to simply let it be

 When and as I see the desire arise within me to try and make a positive experience and get attention from others, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am just feeding my own weakness and inferiority and remaining addicted to energy and also keeping others enslaved/trapped in energy through not being able to assist and support them, and thus I do not participate in this desire when it arises in the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself desiring to have others understand me and what I am doing as a point of trying to ‘save the attention/energy addiction’ and keep things going, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I must first be honest with myself and direct myself and clear my self of any and all points before I am able to effectively understood, and thus I do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as the fear that I will not be understood/will lose attention and energy

I commit myself to stop the tendency/habit of wanting/needing/desiring to get attention from others

Day 237: Stepping up my application and tying up loose-ends

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The are points in my process which I have been leniently allowing and letting slide for quite some time now and it’s time to really step up my application, because even though I am able to fool myself that these points are more ‘minor’ and justify that which the idea that I have changed in the more ‘major’/significant ways, the fact is that even the tiniest fall//thought can fuck up everything and even lead to falls back into the ‘major’ points in my process. By ‘points’, here I am referring to addictions/habits/patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as which require self correction. Time to get strict about bullshit and let myself really live and have some fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define living as being recognized by others positively/getting positive attention from others/impulsing others to feel positive and by association of that, to recognize me positively – I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to be limited/controlled/influenced/defined by the belief that I require this kind of experience to be able to survive, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience is real and always want to try and make that happy experience happen with others or to fear not having that experience with others or to fear when I am not having that experience with someone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor my process by giving positive values or negative values in the form of thought/reaction/backchat to that which I have defined as ‘doing well in process and not doing well in process’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a positive feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not smiling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn music and playing/listening to music into a crutch and a trap/limitation wherein I abuse music by using it as a way to boost my ego, as a way of compensating for my inferiorities in terms of where I lack skill/abilities/self confidence, by essentially drowning-out my reality by immersing myself in the drug of the experience I have when I listen to music and play music as an energetic experience, allowing myself tom in brief moments, be driven by a thoughts that bubble up as I am participating – I commit myself thus to watch who I am within the experience of playing music and to also be clear on my starting point as to why I am moving myself to participate in music 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life/process would be better or easier if I were in a relationship agreement with a Destonian

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my well-being and the well-being of others by allowing myself to fear not participating in energy/consciousness when interacting with other people within the belief that if I do not, others will reject me and I will not survive and have a pleasant experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to selfishly always want and desire to have an experience that is pleasurable as a form of energetic high as any form of mental experience/energy that takes me away from being here in the physical world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to qualify and judge my interactions/relationships/participations with others based on whether or not they agree with me or have the same principles as me 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define love and living as having friendship connections with others and within this, want and desire to ‘connect’ with others as friends a s form of having a positive energetic experience of myself that is like a drug of ecstacy that gives me a higher experience of myself that is experienced as positive until the energy fades and reality sets in again – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make good’ on instances in the past where relationships failed or I harbor some degree of guilt and regret and within that, want to ‘reconnect’ and forgive each other and have everything be ok between us, not realizing within this that making amends is not about the other and establishing a connection with the other, it is about who I am and correcting the nature of myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be directive with others when I see points come up that require assistance/support/direction by justifying what they are living as ‘cute’ and treat the point jokingly as if it is irrelevant, acceptable and a funny thing, simply because I fear to actually act and what may be involved in taking action which may challenge a being/contradict them, as I fear how the other may react or that they will not like me or they will reject me – thus I commit myself to stop allowing abuse in the name of ‘oh isn’t that cute and harmless’ and to direct that which I see as abuse/abuse in-the-making, rather than trying to support the other from a starting point of positivity, believing that I will have a better chance to convince them/support them if I am positive and make them feel good/positive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take that which I have defined as having value in my own mind based on my own self interest, and to impose it on others and insist that it has value and that they should recognize that value, as I now see, realize and understand that to present anything as ‘more than’ what it actually is in fact (but rather as a personalized value judgment/opinion) is actually brainwashing, no matter how well intended it may seem or how much I believe in the value I have given to that which I am sharing, as any form of presenting something as ‘the gospel’/special/profound/more than what it really is, is always indoctrination, deception and brainwashing 

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind energy in all of the smaller addictions that I have already identified in my life but have not completely let go of because I have deemed them as ‘small’ and ‘insignificant’ and thus being apparently ‘harmless’

I commit myself to stop making/looking for an energetic experience in my interpersonal relationships with other people, in my daily activities of watching videos, reading or writing, when playing the drums, when talking to my girlfriend, friends and family, with animals, the animal kingdom, nature, with anything in this reality with which I am creating some kind of energetic experience/relationship to 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is not real as anger is just energy which always fades in time and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others being mad at me and this madness being real/everlasting, when in fact, it is not who they are and can never be real as who they are

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within my fear of survival and desire to survive/have everything be ok/have positive experience and interactions with others in my world, I am in fact miss others completely and not seeing who they really are at all, and in no way considering them as life as equals as how they in fact exist and are experiencing themselves and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to neglect others who require assistance and support just as I require assistance and support

I commit myself to stop all fear as self interest as the fear of surviving/others and to thus stop neglecting myself and others as life as who we really are

Day 236: Self forgiveness from November 25, 2013

Just a few self forgiveness statements done from yesterday. I did not write and investigate myself as much as I could have, and that was mistake I am busy paying for today! So a note to self for next time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run to others for help within the belief that another can help or save me, within the desire to not want to have to take self responsibility and face who I really am, as my actual thoughts and memories that exist within and as my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to make it the top priority in my existence to investigate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have myself sorted out immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, feel and believe that others are superior to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge religious people

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by another and thus not being able to experience the high/energetic feelings of love that blind me from the actual physical reality within which I am existing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think about not speaking and remaining silent with others out of ego and the desire to not have to change and be challenged to in fact be directive and live my words, believing that silence will be the solution within a point of blaming others for my reactions

 

Day 235: Addiction as a form of suicide

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What I have learned about addictions, both to drugs and alcohol as well as anything else that one may become addicted to, is that it is all about escaping. I mean I actually had this pointed out to me years ago but never really investigated the point because I did not know the value of writing, self investigation and self inquiry.

Going down that path of logic of using drugs as an escape, you realize that it is a totally dead-end road. I mean, where the fuck are you going when you are on drugs? Nowhere but in your own mind. Nothing is actually happening in reality. You just sober up and realize you’re still in this shit – and yet because the drugs appeal so greatly to the mind as the desire to escape, you just end up going back to them because for a moment, the experience felt so nice – but that is all it was – an experience. We fool ourselves by holding onto the memory of that experience and holding it dear, as something to be sought after and experienced again. 

So what are we escaping from? Our reality, and the way we have experienced it. The same way that we cherish our ‘positive memories’ that can fuel addictions, we tend to hold onto memories negative experiences we have had in our lives, which is what even drives us towards the positive. But again, the negative memories that drive us are also just an experience – it is the way in which we saw our reality in specific moments/events and how we have defined our reality within such experiences. It is not the truth, it is not what reality really is.

In this misunderstanding of reality is birthed the idea that ‘this is the way it is, and thus, this is how it will be – I cannot change it’ – and so the desire to escape is birthed. Is it that we cannot change it or that we do not want to change it and thus we conveniently believe it to be impossible? I mean escapism is really just the abdication of self responsibility. But what is self responsibility? It is your ability to respond through that which we have been endowed with as human beings to be able to create a world that is best for all life. So in not taking that responsibility to create a world that is best for all life, what are we actually doing? We are killing ourselves. I mean, striving to live to our full potential is an intrinsic property of living itself – there is no such thing as half assed living – that would be survival – and that is what the mentality of the entire human race has become.

So this is all why addictions and vices eventually are the end of us, because, although it is being done in a very slow but sure way, we are killing ourselves! I mean in the very plight of addiction we exist as the walking dead, so while you might not have physically died yet, the mind is possessed, and you’re well on your way, while simultaneously killing others in your name through the absolute neglect of life that drugs facilitate. The desire to escape and not be here and have some ‘higher experience’ of yourself is the desire to live in an illusionary fantasy world that doesn’t exist – sounds like heaven doesn’t it? So I suggest to consider your addictions from this perspective: that you are killing yourself slowly but surely and it will be a shitty process. So every time you give in, ask yourself – are you ready to die? Is not existing what you really want? If so, then why the hell don’t you just kill yourself right now? You may as well.

But then that nugget of self interest and hope chimes in – the positive memory of the positive experience – something to live for, apparently! So we keep ourselves alive to kill ourselves. We end up living full lives that are torturous. I mean what the fuck is the point of living such a life? This can also be seen at a greater societal level where the way in which we value our lives is a matter of quantifying them through length . But I mean, what about the matter of what are we actually doing with the time we are given? This is why being in the middle of the road is the worst place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equate how it is exactly that I can create the kind of self/life that I would actually like to experience/exist as, and to ensure that I am living my life to it’s full potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable in accepting/living with addictions and stand in the middle of the road with regard to my addictions and that I have not allowed myself to strive to stop them and do whatever is necessary to stop

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself alive purely for the sake of survival and keeping up addictions to have ‘higher experiences of myself’ and accept a life of mediocrity and imperfection

I commit myself to, while I am here on this earth, living this life, investigate and work out how exactly I can live the life I would like to, and apply that which I learn practically

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself wanting to survive solely so that I can fulfill my own self interest, I stop, I breathe, I stop myself from within the pursuit of survival and the patterns/behaviors that I participate within that I believe will assist me to survive and walk through the fear/resonant experience of feeling like if I do not continue within these patterns, my life is going to end/deteriorate

Day 234: Choice, consequence and possession

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Today, while reviewing some of my own recent behavior, I noticed that possession is a real thing. I mean I’ve kind of sort of heard this before, it all makes perfect mathematical sense, but it is like I did not grasp it as much as a reality as I did today. When I would hear terms like ‘demons’ and ‘possessions’ it brought up within me connotations of supernatural stuff which I would consider far fetched, although I didn’t pay much heed to that and stayed open-minded, knowing that there was still much that I am to understand about reality and myself.

 

When I look back at the degree to which my vision became narrow, in terms of what I actually considered within the decision making process of who I am, when I look at the degree to which my behavior became automated to the degree where it makes absolutely no practical sense whatsoever, and repetitive. I mean wtf, that is like some insane blind devotion. And what is the small spark that eventually snowballs into this insanity? Beliefs. Ideas. Perceptions. Opinions. Judgments. Justifications. About myself, others and the world around me. All it then takes is for some thoughts to bubble up and for me to allow myself to participate in it, and boom! I’m off! For a while anyways. I suppose that is what has been referred to as a ‘time loop’. It is amazing that thee is a kind of ‘point of no return’ in terms of the fact that once a decision has been made, the consequence is inevitable, regardless of what one may believe. It is amazing that this one fall, can turn into hours, days, weeks, months, years – who knows. It is in a way microcosmic to how our entire society has emerged from 1 starting point, how entire cultures are defined by single events in the past that are being held onto to this day.

 

Yup, the human race is possessed. If we could really see ourselves, it would blow away the notion that movies are fallacious, because we’re living one – a sci-fi horror film with some fake hollywood love stories for good measure. Anyways I’m getting a bit off track having fun with words – the point here is that within our possessions, we really fuck up our reality. Possessions always tend to be based in some form of self interest/desire that is based in some kind of fear, and this fear is always based within the beliefs etc. as I have mentioned above where ironically, in our pursuit of self interest and self preservation we attempt to possess our world and reality, and yet it is we who in turn become possessed.

 

The fact is that as long as we are not the directive principle in our lives and give that power to our minds as thoughts, those thoughts become our gods (nevermind the belief in god/religions/cosmologies etc. – all that stuff is just a projected story made-up around the fact that thought is in fact your God and you are not even aware of it). As long as we are not the directive principle, we will never create the reality that we want to really create, enjoy, live and experience ourselves within. That is why nothing ever turns out properly, the way we may have liked or expected it to. We start out with such good intentions, and then everything just goes terrible.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to fully realize that possession is very real and that the thoughts/emotions/feelings that I allow myself to participate in have consequence and thus within this point I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to give into temptations and do not direct myself here in every breath but rather allow myself to be directed by my mind, I am creating a real hell for myself over which I may lose all control as I have given permission for by allowing myself to fall initially – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allow myself to see, realize and understand the severity of consequence, just because it is not always foreseen, understood or expected, and takes time to unfold (so hopefully it won’t unfold later) – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hope and wish that life could exist without consequences and that I could somehow run away and ignore consequence – this is impossible and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully see, realize and understand that it is impossible to escape consequence or alter it in any way whatsoever

 

I commit myself to live within the living awareness and consideration that that which I accept and allow, primarily within me and then externally, will have an equal and one consequence and thus I commit myself to always make decisions that will always have specific outcomes that are best for all life

 

I commit myself to investigate all thought and that which I accept and allow to exist within me and why I have accepted and allowed it to exist within and as me as the mind, no matter how difficult it seems, or how uncomfortable or uncertain or doubtful it seems

 

I commit myself to see, understand and realize that if I am to create the kind of reality I would like to live, experience and enjoy, I am required to change my inner world and my living habits/patterns so that I may assist and support others in turn, creating a world where we can all experience ourselves as life in joy and harmony, without fear, where there are never any winners and losers again – just equals.

 

You can learn more on possession, demons and the mind at:

www.eqafe.com

www.desteni.org

www.demonology.co.za