In the last few days, I went through some tough points, where my mind would just race – and I mean this could last for hours on end, where my mind would just not stop and breathing and writing were my only recourse. I am doing something that I have never allowed myself to do fully, which is to face myself within a relationship – all the fear of loss, all the secret desires I have that stem from the fear of not surviving/the fear of death.
What I have to say about these kinds of experiences is that they are difficult as hell, and yet it is always in those moments when you breath and you do not accept and allow yourself to let the mind run rampant and to participate in the insanity of the thoughts and emotions and feelings that come up in the mind, it is amazing what steps forth afterwards. For instance tonight I noticed that my communication with my partner was much more effective and direct, contributing to a more healthy and effective relationship and interaction/experience with each other. The same thing can be applied when walking through any tough point – namely an addiction, because essentially those ‘tough moments’ where the mind races is just the mind going into panic mode and pulling out all stops to save itself, because it knows it is not getting the energy it needs to sustain its existence. When you get over that ‘hump’ – we’ll, you will just have to do ahead and do it to see what is possible on the other side – a whole new world opens up that you could have never imagined.
Now the point here is not to move out of one polarity extreme of negativity and just let the pendulum swing back into the extreme of positivity, as if now everything in ones world is now suddenly magically ok and to go find some point of ‘happiness’ to again continue the cycle of cycling through positive and negative mental states – that is really dangerous and for a moment tonight, I felt as if I had ‘nothing to write’ today. There is always something to write about, and when I am at that point of readiness then it is really an opportunity to take on more self-responsibility, to take on more of myself, to go deeper into myself – to step-up my process. I am living an extremely fortunate life at the moment and I really have every opportunity to support myself and contribute to make this world a better place for all life. For this, living actions are required, not mental states of positivity.
Now I have found within myself a very general tendency to make a big deal out of shit. Meaning that there is a tendency to give ‘added values’ to things, people and events in my world, whether that value is positive in nature, the point is that the value is mental in nature as it is personally given from my persona in a way that is meant to suit the way in which that persona would like to present itself and itself reality, how it would even like to interpret itself and its reality. Suffice it to say this is abusive, and really just unnecessary. I am able to do such things by justifying it as if I have some noble cause, but it is always self-serving in the end.
We have word for making something more out of what something really is – sensationalism, theatrics, drama – it is all a form of attention seeking because you are the one with the hot ‘news story’: did you know the news? It’s this new value I’ve given this thing, isn’t that new, different and exciting? So it is like within the way I have designed myself to be able to survive in this world and be able to get attention and be recognized by others, I have designed my own little propaganda machine in my own mind, that announces the news every now and again to those who apparently need to know.
This doesn’t work in real life and there are always consequences – it is a bias, it is deceptive, it is brainwashing in purely presenting something as something that it is not – even if it is a matter of a slight twist or exaggeration, this does not make it any less of what it is in essence.
The way in which I present these things always relate in some way, directly or indirectly, back to me and how I present myself – and this existing within the fear of loss: having created a persona that I then fear losing because, I know deep down that it is not real, and so I go on creating all kinds of others illusions about the things that define me to keep that self-definition alive. “school sucks, its so stupid!” (fighting for my own limitation s of not being effectively studious) “this music is so great!!” (makes me great by association for liking it) – “you are so pretty!” (makes me nice for saying it). Anyways these are just some vague examples of what I am sharing here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fight for my own limitations by defining reality/myself as more than/less that what it really is in fact, in a way that reflects on me to present myself as something that I am not in fact, which I would like to be but am not willing to do what it takes to live it for real
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own reactions to myself and my reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the changes in the tonality in my voice and the energy I am experiencing within myself when I speak certain words about certain people, places, things and events to see if I am in fact clear or if I am referring to knowledge and information of something to present it as something that it is not
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yield a specific response or outcome in that which I communicate and present my reality as
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a big deal about things, whether it be in the form of humor, drama, negativity, positivity, within the tendency to look for reactions and get attention – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sensationalize reality and myself within the belief that I will have something more/gain some kind of power/control if I present things in such a way
I commit myself to be straightforward and direct in my communication and the way in which I present, define and recognize my reality – I commit myself to stop giving added value, positive or negative, to myself, things, people and events in my world both in my own mind and in my interaction with others
I commit myself to stop judging my reality and through such judgments, sensationalize and dramatize my reality
I commit myself to stop the tendency to present reality in a certain way to try and get a certain kind of response from others that will give me some form of recognition and reflect well on me
When and as I see myself wanting to present/explain something as exciting/cool/awesome, or as shitty/boring/stupid to other people, as that which I have defined as positive and negative in my own mind according to what will serve my own self definition – I stop, i breathe, I do not allow myself to be influenced and directed by such desires to get attention and present myself as something I am not, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions
I commit myself to let go of the fear of what others think of me, and equalize myself to all things and never again allow myself to present myself as something more than what I am as life as to be more than, means to be less than, inevitably