Day 344: Guilt

Everything is memory. What we do is based on memory, what we think is based on memory, what we say in based on memory – as all living and behavior in this world is developed, this is done through our experiences in life which then create the memories that then make up the people we are. But are our memories simply here as points we can access for reference or do memories become obsessive to the point where they control and limit us from really living? This is where the word guilt comes in a to my surprise it is a word that in a way everybody is really living. What is guilt?

1) the state of having committed and offense
2) remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense

So here we get into the word offense as it plays a consistent key role within the guilt point. It is important to expand our definition and understanding of ‘offense’ so that it extends to any and all forms of harm that can possibly be caused. It is no secret that no one is perfect and that everyone is making mistakes and so we are virtually offending all the time, and whether we are offending ourselves or others makes no difference. The problem is that these become our memories as we tend to judge ourselves within moments of guilt within the belief that the emotional experience is real, and we become extremely trapped in guilt. I have seen it become so engrained that it is almost difficult for some to believe that they can be ‘good people’ and live to their true and full potential, that is what the belief that we cannot change is based in. Guilt is used as a very clever feeling trap to keep us from ever really improving. There is no point in accepting and allowing the experience of guilt, because even if you have the best intentions in the world to do something about it, you are still operating from a starting point of guilt and so will be operating from a point of elf limitation of the self belief that you cannot really make a difference as you are ‘not good enough/a bad person’. There is also a component of self interest here where the mind is able to use this self-belief to be able to continue to keep getting the energetic experiences it wants, and that way the mind as memories of self limitation stays alive, and no change is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself and completely limit myself from living to my true potential and truly making a difference in this world by enslaving myself to guilt and mistakes I have made in the past, and used such mistakes as the reasoning/justification to still try and continue to make mistakes by convincing myself that I am ‘bad’ and that I can actually never do what is best for all and just remain in an ineffective struggle to help others, and sabotaging myself by not helping within the context of what I can self honestly do at the current moment in time as it is practical within the bigger picture of life which take into consideration what is best for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the guilt of the mistakes I’ve made in the past as a way of discouraging myself from really making a difference in this world as I see realize and understand that the experience of making such mistakes was not understood as I convinced myself that was ‘doing something right’ and then when things didn’t go right/go according to plan/what I thought the outcome would be, experienced massive guilt because I felt responsible for making a mistake and hurting another

I commit myself to live the self-expression of self-support in standing consistent throughout my process in doing what I am able to practically and self honestly to support myself and others in this world as this is the only way to practically wash away any experience of guilt by actually making the most out of the opportunities I have to make this world a better place – thus I commit myself to persist and never give up in this pursuit to make this world a better place and to take on every possible opportunity to do so. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability to make a difference in this world by only defining it as acts and not as a beingness and to, within this, make misguided efforts to make a difference in this world by helping others which then inevitably always end up in the experience of guilt where I feel like have ‘tried and failed’ or ‘I did not do enough’ when in fact no trying and failing exists in reality when you are real and self honestly doing everything you can do make a difference in this world, then no ‘trying and failing can ever exist because then there is only doing and persistence, creativity and fluidity in doing.

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Day 343: Marijuana as the ultimate mindfuck

The point of marijuana has been a fascinating one. From what I have seen, people tend to have varying predispositions to certain points which become addictive/obsessive in their lives which are personally based, meaning that they are specific to the character that each one has constructed at an individual level.

What is interesting about marijuana is that the initial stages of it tend to relax one in a way where they may be inclined to ponder their reality at a deeper, more honest level. So you may get a glimpse of insights that you don’t normally get, which can be like a cool experience, but what I have found is that the mind uses this point as the ultimate deception. It will sensationalize these moments. I mean, the answers to our problems in life in reality are not profound, they are simple common sense. To believe that they are profound would imply that one is still bound and limited by the belief that their reality can never really change, that they can never really change, that the problems that we experience in life are real and not just our own misguided creations.

So the mind latches onto this experience and creates an energetic imprint where this experience of insight is turned into a positive point which the mind will seek out again and again because as long as this feeling/mental experience of ‘seeing all the answers and everything laid out clearly before you’ remains only as a mental experience, only as a feeling, it can never be lived, applied and walked practically. The imprint is then naturally associated with the marijuana for facilitating this experience, and the mind – existing in fear of loss and thus operating within the principle of ‘the more I get, the better’ – will simply seek out more. The more you have that feeling, the more you get lost in it, so it’s a very deceptive point because that initial moments of insights were LOST when they could have instead, in a moment of breath in self stability, be looked at and considered in terms of how such insights can support one to live more effectively through practical application.

The nature of the mind is one that is extremely deceptive and thus fears exposure. From this perspective, it is critical that we recognize and understand that we are our own worst enemies – this is not poetry, just how it works. The good news is we are all still here on earth experiencing this as individuals together and thus have the capability to support one another through supporting ourselves first to be honest with ourselves so that we can assist others to be honest with themselves as well. Every breath matters, every moment counts, as our creation as our experience of ourselves in this life is determined by what we put into it and the accumulation of that – thus it is a simple question of what are we accumulating in every moment? Are we living moments in our lives in a way where we take them as real opportunities and gifts to investigate who we are in this life and to work to ensure that we are the best we can be to ourselves and others?

Everything that is required to support ourselves is here, no matter how long the journey or where it takes us, all that is left that is required here is ourselves as the breath of life that we really are because that is the only thing we can ever really say that we have been since the day we were born and that we will be until the day we die.

Day 342: Losing my way on the journey to life

So today I did more writing than I have done in probably the last month or so. Something happened to me, and I created it but I did not realize how I created it, because I had fallen, ‘lost my way’ – I have been possessed.

I got tired of trying, basically, of making effort – or not even so much the trying and effort, but what made it seem so difficult, which was the experience of ‘trying to make something happen’, in terms of making a difference in myself and in this world, because this urgency to make something happen as still coming from a starting point of fear and survival. This is a critical point because I have seen how my overall financial situation greatly affects who I am. It is what makes everything so stressful and so even supportive points like process, breathing, self forgiveness, writing – they all become tarnished, misused, misaligned, because of this anxiety and underlying fear of survival that has me race, rather than walk this process. It is not a race to the finish line. It is a walk – basically the same principle as the story of the turtle racing the hare.

What then happens is when a point doesn’t work because it is being done in this rushed kind of way from a starting point that is not clear, is I will associate that experience of things not working with either the tools I am trying to utilize or the people involved – and then when the experience of things not working out the way I might have hoped and envisioned, it is like I jump ship – I either lose some faith in the principles or demonize the people that were involved. But the point that I missed, which allowed for things to have been ‘damned from the get go’ as my unclear starting point, was within me all along. I too quickly wanted to have an answer before I had fully understood, walked, lived and tested this process, of both how can I direct myself and others effectively. This experience is not a new one to me either, there are many things in my life that I have wanted to ‘make the answer’. It was the fear of survival and the fact that I actually let the fear of surviving become more important than whether or not my living was real. It is like we get so desperate for answers sometimes that we’ll accept a lie as the answer – but then what is the point of getting the answer.

To be as revealing as possible, it is because of this fear that I essentially gave up, packed it in, and just looked for comforts. This point of building myself up, being disappointed, feeling disenfranchised and like nothing will ever work, I locked myself away from people and my outside world as much as possible and basically just stimulated myself into a kind of coma – where it was like I just stimulated my body so much in the right ways that it produces all the right chemicals and euphoric experiences that it is like I am raping the body into feeling good, and essentially drugging myself with good feelings, just to stay numb to it all behind a veil of positivity. In my past, the kind of experiences of trying and failing from a starting point of survival had severe consequences on me in terms of losing my home, so there is a reason why the resonant experience of this fear of surviving can be so intense sometimes, but it is useless to give into it because that is the starting point that created this experience of losing my home in the past too.

No matter how real a fear may be to our perception, it really is never valid because a life lived in fear cannot in validity be called ‘life’ – that’s not what life is.

For the last while, I have been a walking shell of myself. I had fallen back into smoking weed, playing video games and being generally lazy and incoherent, I had become obsessive about women and sex and even used pornography sometimes which is something that – in any other circumstance when my mind is clear – is something that I disagree with in every way. I mention some of these specifics because it was extremely difficult for me to admit this to anyone. Although it was in a way visible to everyone, I did not dare tell anyone because I feared judgment extensively. I also did not feel like there was a solution because I had really come to believe that my economic situation was out of my control completely, and so when I am under the impression that money and survival is my real issue, then really the last thing I am interested in is self introspection and how I should live change myself – I don’t have time for that! (lol, as the mind would say)

I am very fortunate to have the Desteni group here standing and that the principles that Desteni works with are principles that will always stand. I was fortunate to get some support, which assisted me to consider another way. I was not convinced, I was not given new information – what I was given was an example, a living example of a person who is omitting themselves to walking this journey to life, and the resonance of that was supportive enough that I started feeling like maybe there was something to be here for after all, maybe there is some goodness and real value in the world after all.

Finally, the point of what others are going through is still here – people are suffering and that is not going away anytime soon. I may not have walked the whole path and understood every point yet, but one thing I know is that our world needs us, there is a lot of work to be done, and so even if I am limited, if I am fucked, if I have never walked the path, if I make mistakes, if I fucked it up before, if I had experience where things didn’t work or I was rejected or people didn’t listen – none of this changes the fact that the world is in a sorry state and needs help. Am I able to love my neighbor as myself, sufficiently that my neighbor may spit in my face and I will still have the resolve to support them to find their way in whatever way is necessary? Do I have the resolve, dedication and commitment in my own process that I am always able to look past what others become and see who they really are? I can only do that with others if I do it with myself.

There is no ‘doing things my way’ as if one is separate from the whole and whether I do things my way or do what is best for all is not something I should ever let be dependent on fears and my environment. I mean these are just justifications used where no understanding exists because in fact a person in this situation believes they must save self at all costs because of the difficult position of survival that they are in, yet does not realize that it is this kind of living and mentality that is what creates people to be in such a position in the first place.

“United we stand or United we fall”

I will not give up, I will persist.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on life and living due to past experiences wherein I believed I was trying to make a life/living but things did not work, and that I have extended this association to the belief of nothing ever being able to work, not realizing that just because one or even many approaches did not work, does not mean there isn’t a solution to be found and that it was only the fear of consequences of failing and not surviving that has deterred me from being persistent

Thus I commit myself to making things work – I commit myself to going through the practical steps of the learning process that is involved in walking process and to humble myself as breath so that I may not limit myself with ideas/knowledge/information that is based in fears (which drives me to race and jump to conclusions/assumptions)

I commit myself to embrace all that is here as myself so that I may understand this world as myself one and equal so that I may effectively direct my world, and to live this embrace and understanding through the principle of giving – to give of myself so that I may understand my world as me, giving myself access to what is here as I have embraced it unconditionally as myself