Within this point of success I have been looking at recently, in terms of effective living application, I have noticed a lot of fear of failure. This fear of failure is generated from not only a self belief of inferiority, but the actual living of self that is influenced by this self belief, and this living of self as inferior (being ineffective) that then reinforces the initial belief of inferiority. What happens when the self belief of inferiority is lived, is that it will activate all kinds of thoughts, feelings and emotions, and when I go into these mental/energetic experiences – I am not here, breathing/living in the physical – how can I be effective in applying myself in doing what I am doing, when I am not even here? This is how a lot of screw ups occur – like a car accident where someone’s attention is diverted from what is here, and the whole task turns into a wreck. Everyone has this experience before, and with regards to things like school and work, I have experienced this extensively. Having lived this self belief of inferiority into physical manifestation has given me all the more reason to believe that it is real, which perpetuates the cycle through a self acceptance as this self belief.
Now what I have noticed is that I have developed other mental mechanisms to compensate for this self acceptance of this self belief, where it is like engrained that ‘I am a fuck up, I cannot do this effectively. Within the fear that is created through this self acceptance, I had developed new mechanisms to apparently help me with a task. Ways of compensating for the actual natural abilities of the physical, that tend to be mental in nature. It is like being lost at sea, and rather than using your abilities to swim to land, finding a life preserver and just floating there, hoping everything will work out, fully accepting that I am lost at sea and within this full acceptance, not considering the actual real physical self that is able to swim, or let alone looking around because maybe there may even be land nearby.
I have noticed for instance that teaching can very easily become this way, because teaching really is such a dynamic thing that takes place from moment to moment, and thus it is vital to be here in every moment of teaching. However I have found this tendency to try to ‘hold onto a life preserver’ – which in this case, would be getting stuck on an idea, and just trying to stick with it, no matter what. It could be to stick with only a particular topic, for instance, or just sticking to one singular form of teaching/explaining this topic. This has occurred extensively with teaching in general, if you have a look in schools, where the pedagogy has become extremely rigid and uniform, and there is like only one way that things can apparently be taught and learned – all just because we’ve completely hung up on this one idea.
Another place in my life I have noticed it is with social interactions, where I may encounter situations where I don’t know how to act or deal with something (notice how messed up it is that I should even have a ‘way that I should act’ in the first place) I will just generally revert to an idea of being some kind of likeable character, where I am nice and friendly and positive and polite – and not actually looking at the real substance of what is taking place, and thus not seeing what would actually be required to be done in this situation.
Yet another place I notice this is when something I am doing is not working, and I am already convinced it should be working, it is like I just try and do it harder, just keep trying, keep pushing and kick up the intensity a notch, leading myself to the inevitable ‘banging my head against a wall’ experience – being so invested in an idea that I might not stop to notice: this isn’t working, time to actually breathe and look at the situation here.
So what this all boils down to is a form of ‘overcompensating’ through utilizing ideas of the mind and going ‘above and beyond’ what is here, by placing ‘higher value’ in ideas of the mind than simply actually being here in the moment to physically apply myself. Yes it is necessary that knowledge may be required to be applied, but when knowledge is actually applied it is done so physically – that’s why we can do so much without having knowledge/ideas attached to it. We have gone way too far with this idea of knowledge being the ‘be all end all’ that it is almost like we believe we are incapable of living without knowledge, and it is based in a lack of self trust where we do not trust ourselves to live and apply ourselves here in the moment – even if we don’t ‘know what to do’. This is extensive, where we believe that we have to know all kinds of things, act all kinds of certain ways, become all kinds of characters, feel all kinds of feelings and energies – just to live and survive!
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require some kind of knowledge to help me/save me/guide me/hold my hand, within the self abandonment I have done through accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am inferior and going into the energy of the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, removing myself from the physical reality here and thus recreating and reinforcing this self belief as inferior
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘going into the deep end’ by allowing myself to jump into the pool of life and trust myself here in the moment unconditionally to apply myself here in self honest common sense
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and recreate the fear of failure through a lack of self trust as believing that I must have an idea as a plan/safety net to be able to live, work and apply myself, and depend on this idea and fear not applying the idea correctly/effectively because I’ve allowed myself to believe that if I do not, I will fail apparently – when in fact life can only be lived here, breath by breath and require no knowledge/ideas
When and as I see myself going into an idea/character/personality of what I should apparently do or be within applying myself here in living/working – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is in fact based in a self belief of inferiority as accepting myself to be less than an idea and thus believing that I depend on this idea to live and apply myself – and I do not participate within and as this idea
I commit myself to ‘jump into the deep end’ of life and stop the fear of failure through applying myself unconditionally here and trusting myself within and as breath to live effectively here, moment by moment