Day 147: Who can I trust? Part 3

Here I am continuing with self commitment statements, based on the self forgiveness statements I wrote in part 2.

When and as I see myself having a reaction to another or that I have had a reaction to another, and participating within/believing/trusting this reaction as if it were real – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is not me directing myself/the situation/the other, but just a reaction which cannot be trusted as it is program and thus, I do not allow myself to participate in it as my thoughts, feeling and emotions

 

When and as I see myself placing trust in another as the hope and faith in them that they are something that they are not as something special that is going to make my life better for me – I stop, I breathe, I see that I am allowing myself to place hope and trust in something I believe is greater than me/life when no such thing actually exist – and I do not participate in these ideas as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

When and as I see myself going to another polarity extreme of wanting to distance myself from a person/defining them as bad to the point where I want to remove them from my life, I stop I breathe, I realize that this is just an outflow of being dishonest with myself by defining this person as something ‘more than’ to begin with, where I go into a polarized reaction where by contrast to how I had defined them, they are now basically evil – I do not participate within such reactions as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to direct myself within relationships and lead by example before a decision is ever made that I cannot participate and to only make this decision once it is certain that a person will only abuse/cannot be worked with/the decision to not participate with them is what will benefit them/myself all life most

 

I commit myself to seek and apply every possible way of correcting myself before I blame/focus on others

 

I commit myself to build self trust through getting to know myself and directing myself, through and as not participating within my reactions to others, investigating them and stopping them

 

I commit myself to treat others how I would want to be treated as living a life that is best for all life and considers what is best for all life always

 

I commit myself to build self honesty and self trust within and as myself through directing myself within my reactions and participations in this world, and what I will and will not allow

 

Day 146: Who can I trust? Part 2

Here I am continuing with self forgiveness statements based on the previous blog I wrote.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust my reactions to another, not realizing that this reaction is pre-programmed and that this is not trustworthy as I am not seeing the other directly and thus will not be able to direct myself/the other/the situation effectively

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted myself to place trust outside of myself as hope and faith in another that this person will somehow be able to make my life for me as if they are some kind of special angel and through this, project them to be greater than they are in fact- within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to this person when then truth becomes apparent when they are not who I had defined them as in my mind, and that I have allowed myself to trust this reaction and participate within/act on it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from others as a point of trying to escape taking responsibility/facing myself, rather than only distancing myself/not participating when I am certain it is not what is best for all as an absolute certainty that nothing beneficial can come of a relationship with them

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to seek every possible way to change/correct/improve myself within a relationship/situation before deciding that it is impossible to remain in this relationship/situation, rather than blaming the other for the dysfunctions and within this, preemptively walking away from the relationship/situation

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to build self trust through stopping my reactions to others, investigating them and myself, and improving/changing myself so that I may lead by example and improve the situation/relationship, rather than blaming another

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself that I can only trust myself and that this is only possible through being honest with myself in stopping self interest and doing unto others what I would have others do unto me – meaning to live a life that is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only be deceived by another if I deceive myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self trust is the only trust that is able to exist, as self honesty

Day 145: Who can I trust? Part 1

Day 145: Who can I trust? Part 1

Today I had an experience from a person where I did not like something about what they said. I did not like it due to it being indicative of a broader part of ‘who they are’, that revealed some points that were really not cool. I was a bit taken back because I had been building ‘trust’ in this person, in hopes of being able to have a future with this person. In contrast to this trust and these hopes, there was a very contrary feeling, like “I’m not so sure about this person, if I can trust them at all! Maybe I should distance myself/not get involved/don’t go there” – basically going to the other extreme of the positive outlook I was projecting. It is fascinating how the positive can turn so quickly to the negative.

I have had this tendency to distance myself from others due to this point of mistrust or simply not liking them and therefore not wanting contact/association. The problem is that if I did this with every being on earth, I wouldn’t associate with anyone, because no one is perfect, and this is not to mention the hypocrisy of it because neither am I.

So the point here is obviously not to get carried away with ideas/projections that make reality such a ‘let down’ that have me go into such extreme polarities. While sometimes it is necessary to stop association/contact, this should only be due to an abusive situation where change/correction is not possible. And while no one is perfect, I cannot control others, but what I am able to do is change myself and lead by example – to stop that which I see in others, within myself.

This tendency to not want to work with others/face my reality is based within the desire for others to simply be perfect, instantly, automatically, for me. This is where these hopes/ideas/projections of the future also come in, because I am fitting others into this vision/fantasy of what I want them to be, for me, which only serves me. I obviously must let these ideas go and allow this being to live who they are naturally and embrace them as myself – with all their faults and mistakes and everything – so that I may allow myself to see them/face them as myself. This is the only way that I could ever have real hope for change, is to allow myself to embrace others this way, and lead by example/change myself within what it is that I am facing/living.

Self forgiveness will continue in part 2 of this blog – I am exhausted.

Day 144: What is the big idea behind success? Part 3

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not exhibiting the kind of character that others like or focusing on the kind of knowledge that others value within the context of fearing failure to be accepted by the group, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate fitting in with the group with survival and thus fearing failing to be accepted and like and being rejected by the group with not surviving, creating the idea of not fitting in as ‘the worst thing I could do’ and thus feel a strong urge/necessity to access characters/personalities/knowledge in the attempt to be liked/accepted by others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – within the context of wanting to be accepted by/fit in with the group – define making a mistake as the worst possible thing I could do, and that I have not allowed myself to make mistakes and trust myself within living and potentially make mistakes, within the context of utilizing mistakes to learn to live more effectively

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that stagnating within the fear of making mistakes is much worse than living and making mistakes because in fact my whole life has already become one big mistake and thus it must be LIVED to even be able to see what requires to be learnt/corrected – not realizing that not allowing myself to live and make mistakes within self trust is in fact further accepting myself as inferior because I do not trust myself to learn and improve, giving myself the trust opportunity that I can become better

 

When and as I see myself going into characters/personalities and latching on to knowledge/ideas which I will believe will please others within the fear of making mistakes and not being accepted/surviving within the group – I stop, I breathe, I allow myself to stand alone here in self trust and self honesty and live unconditionally, and I do not allow myself to participate in this fear of the mind as these characters/knowledge – I realize that I do not require personalities/knowledge to live and trust myself in self honesty to live here as the physical, without ideas

 

I commit myself to walk my process as a physical process and live without dependency on knowledge and characters/personalities to survive

 

When I see myself suppressing myself/stagnating because I fear making a mistake – I stop, I breathe, I allow myself to live naturally here even if I make mistakes initially as I trust myself to be self honest and learn from my mistakes, I realize that I will never learn if I suppress myself and that I must face who I am currently here in the moment – I do not participate in this idea of the mind of trying to be a certain ‘perfect character that does not make my mistakes’ and thus, I stop suppressing myself/stagnating

 

I commit myself to stop suppressing myself through ‘perfect characters’ of what I would like/project myself to be within the acceptance/allowance of my own inferiority/imperfection, and to live naturally even if I make mistakes – I commit myself to live naturally here as who I am, even if it means making mistakes initially as I trust myself to learn from myself through facing myself

 

Day 143: What is the big idea behind success? Part 2

I’d like to look more at these character activations that take place which I wrote about in my previous blog, where – within the fear of not being successful within a task, I will go into a kind of character or become dependent on some kind of idea that must be applied, in order to apparently be successful, as a lack of self trust that I can not apply myself here in the moment.

Today during a lesson, I noticed how a lot of this was based within the fear of what others think about me, and how I would be judged and thus, that I may fail. The fear that maybe I am not exhibiting the right character that pleases someone, or not focusing on the knowledge that they deem acceptable. The essential point is the fear of failure because it is as though I have associated the fear of failure with death and not surviving. I remember past experiences where failure would mean a kind of rejection from the group, and from a young age I have made associations with inclusion into the group and survival.

And yet, failure and making mistakes is so crucial to survival, and more importantly, living. I even tell my students this, and slowly I am still learning that mistakes are actually rather cool if we use them as an opportunity to learn and grow.

This may seem like a simple, obvious thing, yet I have lived in an entire life/system design where I have lived-in the statement: ‘whatever you do, don’t make a mistake!’ and the stagnation and fear that this produces as a way of life is really not a cool experience that I would recommend to anyone.

This fear becomes so immense, that the desire to compensate for it through the creation of mental entities – within the attempt to be something that is apparently perfect based on a mental design, rather than simply learning what perfection is through making mistakes – becomes extensive, and before I know it; I am not myself and I am living in a state of fear as this fake character creation I have created. I have been dishonest with myself in accepting and allowing myself to exist as inferior, through not allowing myself to simply live and learn from making mistakes, because I am in fact able to learn from them and improve myself through them, and I do not require to become or subscribe to anything else, that is beyond this point: living here in the physical reality, without any crutches. The fact is, this is the only road to perfection – to learn.

I will continue with more self forgiveness and self corrective statements on this point in part 3.

Day 142: What is the big idea behind success?

Within this point of success I have been looking at recently, in terms of effective living application, I have noticed a lot of fear of failure. This fear of failure is generated from not only a self belief of inferiority, but the actual living of self that is influenced by this self belief, and this living of self as inferior (being ineffective) that then reinforces the initial belief of inferiority. What happens when the self belief of inferiority is lived, is that it will activate all kinds of thoughts, feelings and emotions, and when I go into these mental/energetic experiences – I am not here, breathing/living in the physical – how can I be effective in applying myself in doing what I am doing, when I am not even here? This is how a lot of screw ups occur – like a car accident where someone’s attention is diverted from what is here, and the whole task turns into a wreck. Everyone has this experience before, and with regards to things like school and work, I have experienced this extensively. Having lived this self belief of inferiority into physical manifestation has given me all the more reason to believe that it is real, which perpetuates the cycle through a self acceptance as this self belief.

Now what I have noticed is that I have developed other mental mechanisms to compensate for this self acceptance of this self belief, where it is like engrained that ‘I am a fuck up, I cannot do this effectively. Within the fear that is created through this self acceptance, I had developed new mechanisms to apparently help me with a task. Ways of compensating for the actual natural abilities of the physical, that tend to be mental in nature. It is like being lost at sea, and rather than using your abilities to swim to land, finding a life preserver and just floating there, hoping everything will work out, fully accepting that I am lost at sea and within this full acceptance, not considering the actual real physical self that is able to swim, or let alone looking around because maybe there may even be land nearby.

I have noticed for instance that teaching can very easily become this way, because teaching really is such a dynamic thing that takes place from moment to moment, and thus it is vital to be here in every moment of teaching. However I have found this tendency to try to ‘hold onto a life preserver’ – which in this case, would be getting stuck on an idea, and just trying to stick with it, no matter what. It could be to stick with only a particular topic, for instance, or just sticking to one singular form of teaching/explaining this topic. This has occurred extensively with teaching in general, if you have a look in schools, where the pedagogy has become extremely rigid and uniform, and there is like only one way that things can apparently be taught and learned – all just because we’ve completely hung up on this one idea.

Another place in my life I have noticed it is with social interactions, where I may encounter situations where I don’t know how to act or deal with something (notice how messed up it is that I should even have a ‘way that I should act’ in the first place) I will just generally revert to an idea of being some kind of likeable character, where I am nice and friendly and positive and polite – and not actually looking at the real substance of what is taking place, and thus not seeing what would actually be required to be done in this situation.

Yet another place I notice this is when something I am doing is not working, and I am already convinced it should be working, it is like I just try and do it harder, just keep trying, keep pushing and kick up the intensity a notch, leading myself to the inevitable ‘banging my head against a wall’ experience – being so invested in an idea that I might not stop to notice: this isn’t working, time to actually breathe and look at the situation here.

So what this all boils down to is a form of ‘overcompensating’ through utilizing ideas of the mind and going ‘above and beyond’ what is here, by placing ‘higher value’ in ideas of the mind than simply actually being here in the moment to physically apply myself. Yes it is necessary that knowledge may be required to be applied, but when knowledge is actually applied it is done so physically – that’s why we can do so much without having knowledge/ideas attached to it. We have gone way too far with this idea of knowledge being the ‘be all end all’ that it is almost like we believe we are incapable of living without knowledge, and it is based in a lack of self trust where we do not trust ourselves to live and apply ourselves here in the moment – even if we don’t ‘know what to do’. This is extensive, where we believe that we have to know all kinds of things, act all kinds of certain ways, become all kinds of characters, feel all kinds of feelings and energies – just to live and survive!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require some kind of knowledge to help me/save me/guide me/hold my hand, within the self abandonment I have done through accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am inferior and going into the energy of the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, removing myself from the physical reality here and thus recreating and reinforcing this self belief as inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘going into the deep end’ by allowing myself to jump into the pool of life and trust myself here in the moment unconditionally to apply myself here in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and recreate the fear of failure through a lack of self trust as believing that I must have an idea as a plan/safety net to be able to live, work and apply myself, and depend on this idea and fear not applying the idea correctly/effectively because I’ve allowed myself to believe that if I do not, I will fail apparently – when in fact life can only be lived here, breath by breath and require no knowledge/ideas

When and as I see myself going into an idea/character/personality of what I should apparently do or be within applying myself here in living/working – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is in fact based in a self belief of inferiority as accepting myself to be less than an idea and thus believing that I depend on this idea to live and apply myself – and I do not participate within and as this idea

I commit myself to ‘jump into the deep end’ of life and stop the fear of failure through applying myself unconditionally here and trusting myself within and as breath to live effectively here, moment by moment

Day 141: Success: why does it feel so great?

In the last blog I wrote about success in the world system – financial, business/work, social and otherwise. Today, I had some more steppingstones towards these kinds of successes, and I noticed that I got a kind of ego boost from them as a mental/energetic experience. I was ‘feeling good about myself ’because of everything that was happening –and interestingly enough, when this happens, I tend to lose focus on the task at hand/what responsibilities are currently required to be done in the moment, because I am feeling too good about myself, and this feeling can be very addictive, and so I just want to keep it doing. You see, doing real physical work without any kind of energetic attachment/association to it, brings you back to earth – it is an extremely healthy thing from this perspective.

It is quite ironic that my success is bringing me this kind of experience, because it is antithetical to doing the kind of necessary work require to have success in the first place! This is what happened a lot to me in my past and I’m sure happens to so many people – where we get carried away with small/minor successes – or even major – but the point being that 1 experience or a few experiences build our egos up to a point where it just ends there – because all of a sudden we get lost in the feeling and never get back to the earthed work that got us there in the first place, missing the point, and before we know it, we equate success to this kind of energetic feeling/experience I have been talking about. You see the same thing for instance when a person does a bunch of drugs and comes up with all kinds of delusions of grandeur and brilliant things that they are going to go out and accomplish – that actually end up vanishing along with the high of the drug once that energy fades. What goes up must come down.

So, some brief forgiveness and correction on this point – I’m quite tired and the body is telling me to sleep at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when I have success, not realizing that this good feeling about myself is actually based in self inferiority and the belief that I cannot do it/be successful, and thus I get this positive mental experience that contrasts the actual negative that is existing within me as this self belief, that deludes me and gives me this ‘great/positive’ energetic of “look at me, I’m doing so great! Good for me! Go me!”

When and as I see myself become carried away with good feelings due to having success, where thoughts, feelings and emotions begin to arise as a positive energy – I stop, I breathe, I see the actual inferiority/self belief that this is based on, and I do not participate within it.

I accept myself as success – what is real success? To live a full life where personal success exist within the context of doing what is best for all life – thus I make my success REAL through living success here as a physical experience of me, rather than a mental self delusion based in self interest, fear and inferiority – I am success