Day 463: Using a dream to assist with self forgiveness on a dream life

In my dream last night I remember being very angry, specifically towards my mother. It had something to do with me blaming her desire to have a beautiful home and always having money for home improvement/upgrades but never enough money for me or the family. There was a moment where I got the courage to speak up on the point, and it was when she started explaining/justifying why she did what she did that I got really angry, because it was like there was no reasoning anything, and I felt like whatever reason she was giving me was just total BS.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards my mother and hold anger from the past against my mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for her tendency at home improvement/upgrades and that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this for why I never felt I had enough or had all the things I wanted to experience or all the opportunities I would have liked in my life, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards my mother because I blamed her for having restricted opportunities and privileges in my life, and that I did not allow myself to see, realize and understand that I am the creator of my life and thus I am not actually restricted even though I may be restricted for a time, things change – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that certain opportunities and privileges would have made me happy and fulfilled me and made up for the problems in my life when in fact such an energetic desire is a desire to escape a situation that at the time I did not know/was not equipped with the tools to deal with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to change my mother/speak up about her habits and tendencies from a starting point of fear of loss – of having desires that I fear will not be fulfilled as I see, realize and understand that I am not in fact being supportive to her or myself when I am speaking from such a starting point and that this behavior is inherently reactive == nothing can be done here in this way – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my mother when she begins defending herself and justifying her behavior as I see, realize and understand that I am only angry with myself for acting out of fear and separation. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify this anger by defining her as ‘unreasonable’, as I see, realize and understand that this is exactly the kind of reaction/behavior that I elicited by speaking in fear and separation as my starting point

I commit myself to create myself and life with words, and with my words I commit myself to create a life that is not based on fantasies and desires but rather a life which honors all life and takes into consideration that which is best for all

I commit myself to stop my own desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies of having the perfectly comfortable life with no challenges, total comfort and absolute ease of control, and instead life a life that is best for all here with the people that in fact support me and are the ones whom I could not live a dignified life if it weren’t for them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to work with people in a way where I ‘keep back doors open’ – meaning that I look to get what I want and advance myself only, and am thus insincere and disingenuous and if I no longer see that I can ‘use’ the person, I will go out the back door and basically forget them/abandon them/cut them out and continue my own path of self satisfaction – thus I commit myself to work with people in a committed way, as I see, realize and understand that this does not mean being dependent on people or being limited by people, but that I can work with people in a way that is sincere, genuine, considers what is best for them and ultimately is based in a mutual support where I will no longer abandon or discard others simply because I feel they can not help me advance to an energetic goal of addictive desires

Day 462: money and loss – self forgiveness

I haven’t blogged in a while but have been writing recently. I decided to share some self forgiveness I did tonight on the point of money. I am pushing myself to open the point of money in my life as it is a primary point of what is influencing who I am and how I live in this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money and losing all of the things/dreams/experiences that could come with having a lot of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting the girl I want because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting the card and house that I want because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not eating the food I want or getting the health care I want because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others not liking me because I don’t have enough money and therefore do not have enough status

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me as less than or inferior because I do not have enough money,

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to based my self value and self worth on money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined having money as being the only way that I can live the way I want to and have the kind of life that I want to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and have as much money as possible to attain and maintain an energetic addiction that I refer to as ‘the perfect life’ which is having access to all the people/things/experiences that I could ever want that stimulate me and make me feel ‘more than’ the experience of inferiority that I have accepted and allowed within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have connected/made an association with money to everything in this world as the only possible means to experience it, and to fulfill a desire to have power and control over the ability to experience it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to neglect others and myself because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be whatever personality type that will give me the best chance of making money or getting me closer to those who can help me make money, at my own expense and self compromise of living that which I know is best for self/all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want others around me in my world to be what I want them to be in my life and have the kind of relationship with me that I want them to in order to give me the best chance at getting closer to having more money because it in some way boosts my ego/status/idea of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to project myself as superior because I believe it will get me closer to money/making more money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect/associate high status in society/in the eyes of others with having a lot of money and success