Day 88: Discipline, part 2

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Within this series I will be doing a mind construct on the word/concept of discipline, as how I have defined it in my mind and the associations I have made with the word in relation to myself – in this part, I will be doing a breakdown and skeleton structure of the ranting and raving I did on discipline from my previous blog.

Breakdown:

 

Discipline as enslavement

How do I experience discipline? I fear discipline extensively. I associate discipline with boredom, with absolute slavery. With doing things that I don’t want to do but I have to do them because I am forced to do them.

Superiority of others as being ‘disciplined’ and inferiority of self as ‘undisciplined’

I look at other people who are disciplined, like from past school experiences, for example, and I am just amazed at how they do it – I don’t understand it – especially since it looks easy for them and like they are having fun. For me it is not fun at all and it feels so difficult, because ever second that I try seems so intense.

Discipline as taught to me within the context of success and failure

 

It is weird because doing school and studying for me has always been just doing stuff, but then I remember getting excited about success and being rewarded in school – this was taught to me – and then I remember fearing failure, which was also taught to me. Somewhere along the way, I started to notice how other kids became preoccupied with school and getting good grades – I observed this and saw that within the fear of failure, other kids became very diligent with their work – or at least very focused/stressed on it anyways.

Fearing discipline as enslavement as fearing my own fear as that which I have already become

Like it just became ‘everything’ – but I didn’t want it to become my ‘everything’ – I just wanted to get the hell out of school and go home lol. I didn’t want to obsess over it and I feared becoming like that – perhaps because in many ways I was already like that, just not with school. I had the same fear-based pursuit of happiness, but school wasn’t necessarily my outlet for that. My biggest fear with regards to discipline would be that I would be stuck forever in these shitty experiences of ‘discipline’, which I basically saw as these fear-based experiences where I had to slave over school, where I was forced to be something that I was not, that would in no way benefit me, and never feeling like this discipline would lead to anything good because it is just not who I am.

Skeleton structure:

 

–>Discipline as enslavement

–>Superiority of others as being ‘disciplined’ and inferiority of self as ‘undisciplined’

–>Discipline as taught to me within the context of success and failure

–>Fearing discipline as enslavement as fearing my own fear as that which I have already become

To be continued in part 3…

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Day 86: Discipline, part 1

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Here I will be doing a mind construct on the word discipline as I have had issues with discipline all my life. This blog will be a continued series, beginning firstly with the literal definition of discipline, as well as some personal ranting and raving about the word discipline, to assist and support myself in looking at how I have defined discipline in my mind.

Actual Definition of Discipline:

dis·ci·pline

[dis-uh-plin] Show IPA noun, verb, dis·ci·plined, dis·ci·plin·ing.

noun

1.

training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.

2.

activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.

3.

punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

4.

the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.

5.

behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.

6.

a set or system of rules and regulations.

7.

Ecclesiastical . the system of government regulating the practice of a church as distinguished from its doctrine.

8.

an instrument of punishment, especially a whip or scourge, used in the practice of self-mortification or as an instrument of chastisement in certain religious communities.

9.

a branch of instruction or learning: the disciplines of history and economics.

Ranting and raving about discipline:

How do I experience discipline? I fear discipline extensively. I associate discipline with boredom, with absolute slavery. With doing things that I don’t want to do but I have to do them because I am forced to do them. I look at other people who are disciplined, like from past school experiences, for example, and I am just amazed at how they do it – I don’t understand it – especially since it looks easy for them and like they are having fun. For me it is not fun at all and it feels so difficult, because ever second that I try seems so intense. It is weird because doing school and studying for me has always been just doing stuff, but then I remember getting excited about success and being rewarded in school – this was taught to me – and then I remember fearing failure, which was also taught to me. Somewhere along the way, I started to notice how other kids became preoccupied with school and getting good grades – I observed this and saw that within the fear of failure, other kids became very diligent with their work – or at least very focused/stressed on it anyways. Like it just became ‘everything’ – but I didn’t want it to become my ‘everything’ – I just wanted to get the hell out of school and go home lol. I didn’t want to obsess over it and I feared becoming like that – perhaps because in many ways I was already like that, just not with school. I had the same fear-based pursuit of happiness, but school wasn’t necessarily my outlet for that. My biggest fear with regards to discipline would be that I would be stuck forever in these shitty experiences of ‘discipline’, which I basically saw as these fear-based experiences where I had to slave over school, where I was forced to be something that I was not, that would in no way benefit me, and never feeling like this discipline would lead to anything good because it is just not who I am.

Day 85: Letting go of dependency on others and structuring a new life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in positions where I am helpless and within the control/influence of others according to their wants and desires as self interest

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend on others and believe that I must depend on others for support – financial as well as other kinds of support – not realizing that this is a form of self limitation as dependency and hope, where I give others power and control over me through believing that I am not able to support myself here alone as myself as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too weak and inferior to survive and create a world that is best for all life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can depend on others such as friends and family for support, not allowing myself to realize or take into consideration the preprogrammed nature of ‘help’ as support from friends and family which tend to be based in self interest, and thus, there is no such thing as a ‘free lunch’ as all support or ‘love’ is completely conditional based on who I am expected to be and how I am expected to behave to appease family and friends and others who give HELLp to me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that compromising myself as submitting to the desires of others as the character they would like me to be, is never worth what I perceive I am gaining by doing this, no matter how much money or success I believe it will be bring me in my self interest, or whatever other justification I may use to deceive others into doing my bidding, while in fact it is I who am equally being deceived to do ones bidding

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be lazy in not wanting to take full responsibility for my own life as doing the work here that is necessary to be done by looking for shortcuts or quick fixes – not realizing that in the same way I have reduced the solution to an idea as a quick fix, I am reducing myself to an idea that I am inferior and thus incapable of doing what is necessary to effect a real change

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that others can only have the power and influence over me that I give to them

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place myself in situations circumstance and scenarios where I will be tempted and distractions are prominent – and that while I am able to breathe and support myself to walk through all scenarios, I did not allowed myself to place myself in a position where this would be more effective and thus assist and support myself in being more effective within my process through giving myself the time/space/opportunity to support myself in writing out self honesty and self forgiveness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend on/believe I am dependent on anyone but self here as life

Day 84: Daily Self Support; writing out angry thoughts/feelings/emotions

A lot of my personal journal entries I do not post due to the fear of embarrassment and being exposed, so I have decided to post even my daily support blogs to face this point and assist and support myself and others with facing this point:

December 24, 2012

 

I feel so angry now. I feel like I am mad at myself that I did not put myself in a better position to support myself. Again. I know this is just a perception, just a feeling, it is an outflow of my thoughts, and it will pass, therefore, not to act on it or make any major decisions on it. My thoughts are so resentful in nature – I think about how this other person is so stupid and inconsiderate – the nature of their actions and way of living/behaving, based completely on illusory bullshit, where it is all about them and their perfect life, at all costs, no matter what. So Foolish. This is the exact same way I have designed my own mind, and the same way this person seeks extensive control and lives in extensive fear, so is my own system design wanting that extensive control, and lives in extensive fear.

 

It is the participation in my own addictions that is making me crazy. Yet I do want these addictions to just stop, like if I stop feeding them, I want to just change magically, meaning to just suddenly no longer desire to participate in my addictions, but it doesn’t work that way, I have to stop my participation first. The fact is, I get excited about having someone to have sex with. Someone to ‘love’ and ‘love me’ and all that bullshit. I’m certain that so much of my anger is just withdrawal from not having access to some of my addictions. Yes I cant do a lot of things I normally do, but this can be a gift if I use the ‘free time’ away from the internet and shit like that as possible stimulation/distraction, and get down to the nitty gritty of writing, looking at the shit I have to look at. I fear other judging me for how I live and apply myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me and that I have not allowed myself to trust myself to speak to others in the moment, by allowing myself to judge others – how can I trust myself to speak if I am full of thoughts as judgments, about myself, about others, about my world – ?

Day 83: Parent/child relationship dynamics: part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive association with receiving or acquiring gifts, treats or rewards as material possessions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play a role of being a victim for not receiving that which I desire as gifts, rewards and treats as material possessions that give me a positive mental experience based on my relationship connection to them of being ‘my things’ that apparently makes me ‘happy’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take personally how my mother, parents or others speak to me, believing that the way they are speaking or what they are saying it or how they are saying it is about me, when it is in fact about them as self projection

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for that which I possess or have access to as gifts, treats and things needed to survive, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a spoiled brat – as my parents way of using my own sense of self guilt to judge myself into feeling guilty for that which I receive and have, and to be able to use this guilt to control and influence me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and thus that I have accepted and allowed others to use my guilt to influence, direct and control me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have blurred the line between that which I require and need, and that which I desire and want as an experience of the mind, through making an association with that which I desire with that which I require

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to provide for myself in my world, to be my own provider as the creation of a new life where I walk my own path – as the journey to life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask for , request or get that which I require through the accepted and allowed guilt of feeling bad for having desires

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know what is best for self, and that I can not walk the path of self support that is best for self and create a life that is best for self within the context of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my parent for not considering me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my parents consider me as a program would consider another program – and that it is only I who am able to recognize me through stopping the program

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt or angry or offended, and take it personally when my parent say they love me, not realizing it is just a program running its course –a program passed down to them by their own parents, and those who went before them etc as a preprogrammed design

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to guide me without investigating or understanding, what is the origin of this fear? I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the time to investigate and understand my fears

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require any form of positive or negative energy such as love and hate to move myself and others – only self as breath here is required to direct self – and thus, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that rebellion is necessary

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reproduce the abuse and lack of experience which I experience in my life as the act of turning to drugs and other addictive relationships to try and escape my reality – not realizing that I am able to stop, breathe, and direct myself here in specificity and self support of getting to know myself, so that I may understand and forgive that which I have accepted and allowed and never repeat it again – only then can real life be born, when past patterns have come to a complete end – until then, I am not life, and I do not have the right to life.

Day 82: Parent/child relationship dynamics – part 1

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In my life experience, I grew up in a household where I was given treats and gifts and taught the reward system. It was always presented as a wonderful thing, however, there was always ‘gate keeping’ over what I would and would not receive as gifts. I found out at a very young age that these gifts were given, not at my discretion, because the gift giving was inconsistent, and that was a bit of a shock, because I had already created such a positive association with the gifts I initially received, that this ‘hurt’ me on an emotional level, the first time that I expected a gift and it was not delivered, and also the way I was denied was harsh in the way that my parent spoke to me. I was also taught at a young age to feel grateful or indebted for that which I received as gifts as the message was communicated to me by my parent and grandparent that I was a ‘spoiled brat’.

With the giving of gifts – as things that give us a positive feeling experience but that are not necessary for daily living/to support life – the line between want and need becomes blurred. My parent, along with being the provider and gatekeeper of gifts, was also the provider of the things which I depended on survive, food, shelter, clothing, education, mental and emotional support.

And so I created an association between the two – Just as I learned to not try to seek that which I desire as gifts and treats, I also became fearful to ask for that which I truly required to be supported as a child, as life. Although certainly there were instances where I was denied these things as well. Above all, there was one basic message – that which was given to me was never truly mine – it was a gift from the gatekeeper as the parent, and thus I must be grateful for what I receive – regardless of whether or not the gift is actually given within the consideration of what is best for me – and if I am not grateful as the complete acceptance of this system, then I am a ‘spoiled brat’. It was the parent who exercised complete and the final say over what was given and how it is given, and as a child, being subordinate to the parent by nature of familial relationships, I was never trusted in the eyes of the parent to know what is best for self.

This was the underlying message – that I don’t know what is best for self – looking from the eyes as a parent, I can see how this approach is justified through the parents overwhelming fear of survival for themselves and their children – which inevitably always turns in to absolute control, mind control and dominance over the child, within the context of this fear of survival.

Because of this, I became very angry at my parent over time as I found I was constantly not being considered, there was no direct communication. Without being aware of it, my parent was only considering their idea of what is best for me – and thus their overall idea of me – but I am not an idea. I am a living breathing being who can never be understood through/reduced to an idea, or a piece of knowledge that only exist in the mind.

With this anger, I then became completely ineffective in ever communicating or negotiating that which I required, or that which I felt, or the ways I viewed things. I felt deeply hurt by how little my parent actually listened to/considered what I had to say or what I thought as a child, and this hurt was exacerbated by the stark contrast of being constantly told that I was loved. It was not long before I lost complete trust my parent, and of course my idea of what love was became very fucked up.

Having learned what I have about the sins of the father, I can now see that how I was treated was never about me – it was about my parent, and the same way I had copied my parents in the ideas that they communicated to me through their overall expression, they had also only copied what they knew from their parents, and were simply following this pattern of the sins of the fathers without even realizing it, never actually having been supported sufficiently to understand why their own relationships with their parents were so fucked up – which they were. Having been educated on this cycle, and learning the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness within the context of oneness and equality through Desteni, I am now in a position where I have learned to stop judging the parent, stop hating them for what they have done, and rather see and understand how the mind of a parent works.

All the fear seems reasonable, because it has become a way of life – to be constantly guided by our fears and never question where they come from. While it seems reasonable to want to protect a child and assume to know what is best for them, there is so much more to this desire that we do not see as where it originated. How did this fear become such a constant way of life? The fact is that as we are not aware of these fears and their origins, they are self perpetuating – that means that because we don’t understand our fears and rather act on them, we are actually creating more problems by never actually dealing practically effectively with the real problem – we are just following our fears.

Driven by fear, we fuck up, then based on that fuckup, we become more fearful and fuck up even more – this cycle continues an compounds the longer that the original fear is not understood.

This exists on broader societal level where we are constantly creating a society where life is not welcome, and then we become fearful, and within our fear and misunderstanding of how this society was created in the first place, we just become more fearful – this can be seen in richer cultures where the fear of the parent for their child is so extensive that control over the child become absolute – some parents would bubble wrap their children if they could lol.

And what is the greater acceptance and allowance within this that everyone is overlooking? As we continue to believe this fear to be real, tacitly we are accepting our society and way of life as it is and thus – the more we participate in that fear of ‘this is the way it is’, without understanding how it was created, the more we believe it to be real, and that it can never be changed. This is obvious in the way that as we grow older, we tend to become more and more to closed to new understandings, the harder it becomes for adults to learn new things – why? Because they have accepted and version of reality so extensively in their minds eye, through the constant repetition of experience and no awareness/never stopping to question what we are accepting and allowing in the way we live.

So parents, and any other person who is in a relationship with a power dynamic where they hold all the power and ‘the final say’ in matters – I suggest you investigate how this power dynamic has come to be and that you do what is necessary to give equal consideration to you children. They do not require “love”. They do not require hugs and kisses. Conversely, they do not require anger, intimidation or fear to drive them and motivate them. All that is required is simple consideration as equals – as familial relationships as we have constructed them throughout our civil-lie-zation are unequal in nature. Listen to your children – not as parents – but as equals. That is the only thing one can ever do to hope to expect equal consideration to be reciprocated. Be aware of when they are challenging you that you are giving real equal consideration, no matter how much you may want to resist or not hear. Because if you do not – your children will lose trust in you, they will rebel, they will live out this message of ‘no consideration/no value given’ in their own lives, self destructively, either through drugs/addictions, and/or through personal relationships. The abuse we all endured as children is constantly being reproduced without our awareness, or very little awareness of it.

So – isn’t it fascinating how, in the desire and attempt to protect and love our children – misunderstood in its origins as it is based in fear – ends up producing the exact opposite result?

The mind is tricky – that is the accumulation of self deception over time and generations.

Study: www.desteni.org

In part 2 of this blog I will continue with self forgiveness statements on these points.