In my life experience, I grew up in a household where I was given treats and gifts and taught the reward system. It was always presented as a wonderful thing, however, there was always ‘gate keeping’ over what I would and would not receive as gifts. I found out at a very young age that these gifts were given, not at my discretion, because the gift giving was inconsistent, and that was a bit of a shock, because I had already created such a positive association with the gifts I initially received, that this ‘hurt’ me on an emotional level, the first time that I expected a gift and it was not delivered, and also the way I was denied was harsh in the way that my parent spoke to me. I was also taught at a young age to feel grateful or indebted for that which I received as gifts as the message was communicated to me by my parent and grandparent that I was a ‘spoiled brat’.
With the giving of gifts – as things that give us a positive feeling experience but that are not necessary for daily living/to support life – the line between want and need becomes blurred. My parent, along with being the provider and gatekeeper of gifts, was also the provider of the things which I depended on survive, food, shelter, clothing, education, mental and emotional support.
And so I created an association between the two – Just as I learned to not try to seek that which I desire as gifts and treats, I also became fearful to ask for that which I truly required to be supported as a child, as life. Although certainly there were instances where I was denied these things as well. Above all, there was one basic message – that which was given to me was never truly mine – it was a gift from the gatekeeper as the parent, and thus I must be grateful for what I receive – regardless of whether or not the gift is actually given within the consideration of what is best for me – and if I am not grateful as the complete acceptance of this system, then I am a ‘spoiled brat’. It was the parent who exercised complete and the final say over what was given and how it is given, and as a child, being subordinate to the parent by nature of familial relationships, I was never trusted in the eyes of the parent to know what is best for self.
This was the underlying message – that I don’t know what is best for self – looking from the eyes as a parent, I can see how this approach is justified through the parents overwhelming fear of survival for themselves and their children – which inevitably always turns in to absolute control, mind control and dominance over the child, within the context of this fear of survival.
Because of this, I became very angry at my parent over time as I found I was constantly not being considered, there was no direct communication. Without being aware of it, my parent was only considering their idea of what is best for me – and thus their overall idea of me – but I am not an idea. I am a living breathing being who can never be understood through/reduced to an idea, or a piece of knowledge that only exist in the mind.
With this anger, I then became completely ineffective in ever communicating or negotiating that which I required, or that which I felt, or the ways I viewed things. I felt deeply hurt by how little my parent actually listened to/considered what I had to say or what I thought as a child, and this hurt was exacerbated by the stark contrast of being constantly told that I was loved. It was not long before I lost complete trust my parent, and of course my idea of what love was became very fucked up.
Having learned what I have about the sins of the father, I can now see that how I was treated was never about me – it was about my parent, and the same way I had copied my parents in the ideas that they communicated to me through their overall expression, they had also only copied what they knew from their parents, and were simply following this pattern of the sins of the fathers without even realizing it, never actually having been supported sufficiently to understand why their own relationships with their parents were so fucked up – which they were. Having been educated on this cycle, and learning the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness within the context of oneness and equality through Desteni, I am now in a position where I have learned to stop judging the parent, stop hating them for what they have done, and rather see and understand how the mind of a parent works.
All the fear seems reasonable, because it has become a way of life – to be constantly guided by our fears and never question where they come from. While it seems reasonable to want to protect a child and assume to know what is best for them, there is so much more to this desire that we do not see as where it originated. How did this fear become such a constant way of life? The fact is that as we are not aware of these fears and their origins, they are self perpetuating – that means that because we don’t understand our fears and rather act on them, we are actually creating more problems by never actually dealing practically effectively with the real problem – we are just following our fears.
Driven by fear, we fuck up, then based on that fuckup, we become more fearful and fuck up even more – this cycle continues an compounds the longer that the original fear is not understood.
This exists on broader societal level where we are constantly creating a society where life is not welcome, and then we become fearful, and within our fear and misunderstanding of how this society was created in the first place, we just become more fearful – this can be seen in richer cultures where the fear of the parent for their child is so extensive that control over the child become absolute – some parents would bubble wrap their children if they could lol.
And what is the greater acceptance and allowance within this that everyone is overlooking? As we continue to believe this fear to be real, tacitly we are accepting our society and way of life as it is and thus – the more we participate in that fear of ‘this is the way it is’, without understanding how it was created, the more we believe it to be real, and that it can never be changed. This is obvious in the way that as we grow older, we tend to become more and more to closed to new understandings, the harder it becomes for adults to learn new things – why? Because they have accepted and version of reality so extensively in their minds eye, through the constant repetition of experience and no awareness/never stopping to question what we are accepting and allowing in the way we live.
So parents, and any other person who is in a relationship with a power dynamic where they hold all the power and ‘the final say’ in matters – I suggest you investigate how this power dynamic has come to be and that you do what is necessary to give equal consideration to you children. They do not require “love”. They do not require hugs and kisses. Conversely, they do not require anger, intimidation or fear to drive them and motivate them. All that is required is simple consideration as equals – as familial relationships as we have constructed them throughout our civil-lie-zation are unequal in nature. Listen to your children – not as parents – but as equals. That is the only thing one can ever do to hope to expect equal consideration to be reciprocated. Be aware of when they are challenging you that you are giving real equal consideration, no matter how much you may want to resist or not hear. Because if you do not – your children will lose trust in you, they will rebel, they will live out this message of ‘no consideration/no value given’ in their own lives, self destructively, either through drugs/addictions, and/or through personal relationships. The abuse we all endured as children is constantly being reproduced without our awareness, or very little awareness of it.
So – isn’t it fascinating how, in the desire and attempt to protect and love our children – misunderstood in its origins as it is based in fear – ends up producing the exact opposite result?
The mind is tricky – that is the accumulation of self deception over time and generations.
In part 2 of this blog I will continue with self forgiveness statements on these points.