Recently I wrote a test for school, and I did not do as well as I had expected on the test. I simply did not know how to study for the test, and assumed that how I studied would work and that it was sufficient, although I did not ‘look into’ this point to enough to ensure that this was the case. Anyways after the test I did not feel good about it, it was the first piece of work I’ve done in a while where I really did not feel confident afterwards that I would do well. It had a huge impact on my self esteem and afterwards it was like I just wanted to escape, like get a break from school and everything.
It is obviously natural to get break from school work, life is something that should be varied, have some variety, the problem with the context of this kind of ‘wanting a break’ is that one will tend to go to an extreme to try to shake of the thoughts about one particular point and try to completely forget it. This is not necessary, as only self forgiveness on the point is required so one can stop ‘feeling bad’ about such an event and simply continue living. To continue living, and not being defined by this point, would be a ‘break’.
What I have also noticed is a resistance to doing work because I am able to write it off as ‘useless work’ with ‘useless information’, just because the information itself may not have a use or relevancy in my life – however this is self dishonest because the tendency is then to want to escape the apparently useless information with other addictions/dependencies just because they seem more relevant and practical, meaning that I am participating in them in the ‘here and now’. But within this I have neglected the usefulness of doing school work because it does in fact support me through remaining here and not participating in mind bullshit – addictions and the like. Just because something is ‘more physical’ in terms of how many calories are burned in an activity and how much I am directly involved in it, does not mean it is not actually a mental activity in terms of it being an addiction/energetically charged experience. Doing something like school work, although not physical in the way I have defined it, is a in fact a very physical activity that supports me to remain here in the body because it does not stimulate me, and it is something I can get involved with and become keen on as it supports me this way.
I have had a tendency of turning those kinds of activities into just ‘mundane things’ that I must ‘just get done’ – not realizing the value of them, that they are not difficult or burdensome but actually supportive, and that they are more enjoyable when I truly allow myself to engage myself in them. I mean, I am busy doing it anyways, I am required to – why not at least enjoy it?! Especially when it is something that really is able to support me.
It is amazing how even the school experience, the studying, tests and everything is being turned into a mental experience through the mind, through judging it within the context of ‘success and failure’ – because this is the whole point of studying/school work as a self support, is to have an activity without mental definitions/energetic associations attached to it. The point here is to live, and not be defined by that which I am doing through creating such attachments/definitions to it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge doing well in school as something good which apparently gives me more value and makes me more special, and conversely that I have allowed myself to judge doing poorly in school as something bad which apparently makes me ‘less than’ and lessens my worth – and that I have attempted to give myself value and worth according to a system such as grading and academic performance – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to feel ‘good’ when I perform well and to feel ‘bad’ when I don’t perform well, as a point of being energized through living out these definitions and associating myself/judging myself according to these definitions – not realizing that I am able to be in this world and this world system that creates such value judgments, but that I do not require to be defined by this world system that creates such judgments
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – within the tendency to judge myself according to how well I perform in the system, and the belief that it is difficult/a struggle to perform well in the system, because I have in the past only done this within a context of judging myself according to the system which means that failure=a bad experience of myself – to want and desire to escape this experience because it is just too difficult or has imperfect results – not realizing that it is only my own self accepted definitions that I am trying/attempting to escape that exist within me and thus, there is no real escape from this – and that it is not necessary to escape as I simply require to redefine school/the system and who I am within my participation of these points so that I may enjoy myself experience and not be defined by them, and participate unconditionally where failure in the system is of no detrimental consequence to how I see and experience myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define doing school work as not fun/not enjoyable and as just a task that must be completed and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to engage my work and myself and enjoy these points as it supports me to get out of the mind and stop addictions/patterns/habits/energetic experience, and thus I commit myself to be engaging and pro-active in my school experience, not within the context of ‘I am doing something good’ by engaging within this, but rather as a self support to remain here, breathing in the physical and topping the accumulation of energy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define what is physical only on the amount of physical movement that happens, rather than looking at whether or not mental connections/associations are created with an activity
To be continued in part 2