Day 151: Self engagement and half-assed work – part 2: the reward system

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allow myself to have existed within a reward system which I have adopted and allowed to exist within myself as my thoughts, feelings and emotions wherein I judge myself in different degrees of positivity or negativity based on how well I ‘perform’ and to create an energetic attachment/association to this with the knowledge/awareness that I will be rewarded and will have a highly positive energetic experience with this reward

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be encouraged to do work when I receive positive feedback or prospects/potential for reward, and to be unmotivated when I receive ‘negative’ feedback – I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to exist and judge myself within the judgment-reward system

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to become discouraged because I am not getting positive feedback and thus to not want to work or to want to give up because I am not getting positive feedback, not realizing the value of sticking with something and participating unconditionally of mind influences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to escape negative judgments/feedback in school and work through the fear of not getting rewarded by the reward system, and within this, to go straight/directly to the ‘reward experience’ which can come in a variety of forms such as drug/sex/food which give me some kind of positive reward/feedback

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a negative association with work and school work as if it is difficult simply because I am getting to positive energetic experience out of it and from this negative judgment, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to go towards the positive as for instance giving myself a ‘treat’ after doing school/work as compensating for that which I have defined as negative as getting no energetic experience or a negative energetic experience, by going towards a positive energetic experience

To be continued in part 3

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Day 150: Self engagement and half-assed work

Recently I wrote a test for school, and I did not do as well as I had expected on the test. I simply did not know how to study for the test, and assumed that how I studied would work and that it was sufficient, although I did not ‘look into’ this point to enough to ensure that this was the case. Anyways after the test I did not feel good about it, it was the first piece of work I’ve done in a while where I really did not feel confident afterwards that I would do well. It had a huge impact on my self esteem and afterwards it was like I just wanted to escape, like get a break from school and everything.

It is obviously natural to get break from school work, life is something that should be varied, have some variety, the problem with the context of this kind of ‘wanting a break’ is that one will tend to go to an extreme to try to shake of the thoughts about one particular point and try to completely forget it. This is not necessary, as only self forgiveness on the point is required so one can stop ‘feeling bad’ about such an event and simply continue living. To continue living, and not being defined by this point, would be a ‘break’.

What I have also noticed is a resistance to doing work because I am able to write it off as ‘useless work’ with ‘useless information’, just because the information itself may not have a use or relevancy in my life – however this is self dishonest because the tendency is then to want to escape the apparently useless information with other addictions/dependencies just because they seem more relevant and practical, meaning that I am participating in them in the ‘here and now’. But within this I have neglected the usefulness of doing school work because it does in fact support me through remaining here and not participating in mind bullshit – addictions and the like. Just because  something is ‘more physical’ in terms of how many calories are burned in an activity and how much I am directly involved in it, does not mean it is not actually a mental activity in terms of it being an addiction/energetically charged experience. Doing something like school work, although not physical in the way I have defined it, is a in fact a very physical activity that supports me to remain here in the body because it does not stimulate me, and it is something I can get involved with and become keen on as it supports me this way.

I have had a tendency of turning those kinds of activities into just ‘mundane things’ that I must ‘just get done’ – not realizing the value of them, that they are not difficult or burdensome but actually supportive, and that they are more enjoyable when I truly allow myself to engage myself in them. I mean, I am busy doing it anyways, I am required to – why not at least enjoy it?! Especially when it is something that really is able to support me.

It is amazing how even the school experience, the studying, tests and everything is being turned into a mental experience through the mind, through judging it within the context of ‘success and failure’ – because this is the whole point of studying/school work as a self support, is to have an activity without mental definitions/energetic associations attached to it. The point here is to live, and not be defined by that which I am doing through creating such attachments/definitions to it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge doing well in school as something good which apparently gives me more value and makes me more special, and conversely that I have allowed myself to judge doing poorly in school as something bad which apparently makes me ‘less than’ and lessens my worth – and that I have attempted to give myself value and worth according to a system such as grading and academic performance – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to feel ‘good’ when I perform well and to feel ‘bad’ when I don’t perform well, as a point of being energized through living out these definitions and associating myself/judging myself according to these definitions – not realizing that I am able to be in this world and this world system that creates such value judgments, but that I do not require to be defined by this world system that creates such judgments

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself  to – within the tendency to judge myself according to how well I perform in the system, and the belief that it is difficult/a struggle to perform well in the system, because I have in the past only done this within a context of judging myself according to the system which means that failure=a bad experience of myself – to want and desire to escape this experience because it is just too difficult or has imperfect results – not realizing that it is only my own self accepted definitions that I am trying/attempting to escape that exist within me and thus, there is no real escape from this – and that it is not necessary to escape as I simply require to redefine school/the system and who I am within my participation of these points so that I may enjoy myself experience and not be defined by them, and participate unconditionally where failure in the system is of no detrimental consequence to how I see and experience myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define doing school work as not fun/not enjoyable and as just a task that must be completed and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to engage my work and myself and enjoy these points as it supports me to get out of the mind and stop addictions/patterns/habits/energetic experience, and thus I commit myself to be engaging and pro-active in my school experience, not within the context of ‘I am doing something good’ by engaging within this, but rather as a self support to remain here, breathing in the physical and topping the accumulation of energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define what is physical only on the amount of physical movement that happens, rather than looking at whether or not mental connections/associations are created with an activity

To be continued in part 2

Day 149: Success is your greatest test

It is easy to be unhappy and disenfranchised with the state of the world when things are not going your way, and you are not having success. It is easy to lash out in anger because your self interest is not being satisfied and you are personally affected by the mess that is the state of the world. It is easy to become a rebel or an activist within a starting point of blame because you have decided to use the flaws of humans, the state of the world and the systems of the world to shift responsibility onto as if you are not equally responsible for how this world exists.

But what happens when things do start going your way? When your life does become a success? When you are satisfied, have everything you need and all your desires are able to be satisfied? Will you still be as angry? Will you till rebel?

I have seen this happen with, for instance, many musicians in the some of the genres I tend to listen to, like heavy metal and punk rock. They start off young and pissed off about something, make their first round of music with something to prove, with a lot of energy and pissed off emotions, ranting and raving against the government, society or the world at large – only to end up later in their careers as complacent millionaires, satisfied with their lives and their general place in popular culture. Any music that was or still remains is but a shell of the youth they were…

This is an ongoing joke among some musicians about how bands are only good when they are young, pissed off and poor – and begin to suck when they become successful. I have seen it happen to so many.

Success is your greatest test to see who you are, because – it is true that the state of the world and the current state of the human being that is being produced, is unacceptable and creating abuse beyond measure – and with success, it becomes easier than ever to turn a blind eye to what is really going on in this world. Will you use your wealth and success to support a solution to sort this world out? (and I don’t mean charity) or will you use your wealth and success to stick your head in the sand and hide behind comfort, security and all kinds of material wealth and sensory pleasures?

Despite being angry at the world when I was younger, I found that when I had suddenly come into a position of financial security and comfort, that I abused it. That I used it only to my own self satisfaction, to indulge in sensory pleasures and that the state of the world suddenly mattered less.

I am beginning to understand now that, my success is not my own to enjoy, nor is my wealth my own as it is stolen from the hands and mouths of those who have no success, no wealth, no home, no job, no food, no security, no joy, no future, no dignity, no life worth living. So with success and wealth comes responsibility, to speak up on the behalf of those who have no voice in this world, as even to have a voice, costs money.

Having the access to the internet to read this, I will assume you are within the small percent of the world’s population to be living with a degree of comfort and success in your life. Who are you within your life of success? It would be best to answer that question honestly and make sure that you live the answer that you would like to give, because this is a test that no other person in this world will be able to pass or fail you on, that you will not be able to cheat your way through, because life is the test and it is in the eyes of life that it will be decided whether or not you have passed or failed the test.

Day 148: Scheduling myself as a support structure

I have tried scheduling myself as a self support somewhat, but I have not allowed myself to commit myself to working with a schedule, and walking a schedule/the process of developing a schedule consistently enough for it to become natural and effective. My fear with regards to a schedule is that it will be too limiting, or that something may not go according to schedule. I tend to get my hopes up, and then become very discouraged when things do not go according to plan, so this is where it is important to realize that developing a schedule that works is a process. I have found schedules in the past (work/sleep schedule) to be a cool support structure, but in a way it was not necessarily me directing me but rather still being directed by a system that I had no choice but to follow – when I was ‘off that schedule’ there was still this ‘free time’, but it is more like ‘whatever time’ because I’m not really being productive or self directive but just living according to whatever comes up. This is an easy way to get swept by thoughts/the mind as influencing my living.

I also often find myself struggling to find the time to do certain things, and unsatisfied that I am not giving priority to the things that I would like to give priority and focus/attention to. This creates a lot of stress because there is a kind of uncertainty that I will not be successful, that things will not work out. I’ve got to work out a life that works so that this fear of the future/anxiety stops.

So, tomorrow when I wake up, I will be writing down an hour by hour plan of what I will be doing for my day, and noting as well what points are a priority – this may be important if some unforeseen things come up and not all planned responsibilities are fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to schedule myself as an effective way of scripting myself/directing myself in self honest common sense, and take the time/days necessary to develop an effective schedule that works

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that a schedule will be limiting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed and give up just because things do not go according to plan/schedule, but rather simply see how I can adjust my schedule according to any points that came up which I did not take into consideration

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create uncertainty, anxiety and fear of the future through not scheduling/working out a life that will be successful

I commit myself to develop over time a schedule that is effective, to ensure success and that I live the life I really want to live and live to my full potential