What am I currently living in my life currently? What am I doing? How am I experiencing myself within myself as my thoughts, feeling and emotions? To make sure my writing is used as an effective tool that supports me in my process by being relevant directly to how I am currently existing, I sometimes have to make a point of sitting down with myself and asking myself these simple kinds of self reflective questions. Sometimes it all gets overwhelming and I don’t know where to start, so to write this way allows me to self reflect and then identify each point in my life that requires attention and correction.
Today I had an experience where I found out that I had missed an assignment for a class last semester. It means that I could fail the course, even despite the fact that I was legitimately sick, my teacher knew I was sick, and that I have a doctors note proving this. It is because I did not officially register for a deferral, although I wasn’t even aware that was possible. At the time this happened however, I was careless and simply didn’t give attention to it. The fear within this is obvious failing the class. The fear behind this is that it will possibly take me more time and money to complete my degree. I actually don’t mind the degree costing me more money since I am on students loans, and I don’t mind it taking more time, although I would prefer it went faster. The real pressure is that I am essentially getting financial help from my mother who I am not comfortable getting financial help from, so this adds pressure to get the school done faster to end this deal I have with this person. Why do I not trust this person? Because I know that what is being given to me is being given conditionally – the condition is the expectation of having a certain kind of relationship with this person, on their terms – which requires me to be something that I am not, which requires me to be a personality/character that I am not.
What is being given to me is not a form of unconditional help as someone who has more giving to someone who has less so that they can have a better life. It is not being given to me because of the person I am or because it is an investment in a person who may do more for others in return for the good fortune they have been given. No, it is because I am a son, and in this world, children are the greatest investment a parent can put money into for their old age – so long as the child ‘loves’ their parent as the parent gets older.
I wish these points could be discussed openly with my mother – I wish we could both recognize that the starting point for our relationship is fucked because we are simply both using each other for our own means. It would be cool if we could rather support each other, but do so within the context of then supporting others in this world with our good fortune – so that our good fortune is made with the best interests of all life in mind. That is what I would like to do with my good fortune – make a million dollars and help a million people – and for this reason, I don’t really feel ‘bad’ about getting financial help from another who has more than me. But at the same time, I know what I am ‘getting into’ and what is expected in return from me, and that is something that I don’t want to participate in. I have tried to discuss these points openly, and I have been shot down every time, and every way that I have tried to discuss this has been silenced by the one who has the money/power and thus the final say in this house. Changing our starting point for who we are and how we live in this world is something that is not acceptable to discuss in this household. Really, any point that has anything to do with looking at the inner nature of ourselves to make sure that it is able to be assessed as to whether or not it is in fact best for all life, has been deemed unacceptable. Instead, my mother would just rather keep living her own life and never actually investigating what I am sharing.
That is fine enough with me – her decision will be hers – but what is difficult is that while she wants to simply keep living in ignorant bliss of constantly being self absorbed and making herself happy and fulfilled with fuzzy warm feelings of love, I am expected to be a part of that and any kind of relationship I have with her that does not fit into that – is automatically misunderstood and seen as ‘negative’. I have tried to implore: study what I am saying, look into it because I am not here to convince or convert you, if you research and investigate this, you will better understand me and our relationship will certainly then improve. But there is not willingness to do this as I have shared enough and she has seen enough to understand one thing: that what I am doing and the changes I am making do in fact take away from the fuzzy lovey dovey ‘mother-son’ relationship that she wants with me. So it is at the point where who I am and what I am doing has been judged, demonized and there is a desire to snuff it out and end it. There is an authoritarian demand that I simply stop who I am and conform to her way of life and ‘respect her ways’. It is interesting how what one person desires automatically becomes an imposition of the way others live and express themselves, without even realizing this because one is so wrapped up in their own fears and desires.
Anyways, since it looks like we have a disagreement, it doesn’t make sense to continue having agreements and so I will be working on removing myself from this situation. It is difficult to live in a place where not only am I not allowed to express myself – I mean, not even being able to bring up and discuss certain issues because they are seen as negative – but having expectations put on you to be something/someone else according to the life/world/reality another person wants to create and mold the world around them into. I find it uncomfortable living here since we are at this point of being at odds, especially since we had an argument one day where all the attacks and judgments about who I am and what I am involved in came out in full force, and I stood my ground, not giving into any form of intimidation or manipulation. At one point, that which I was being given as financial support was thrown in my face and used against me in our argument, as the reason why I should conform to her side of it – as I expected it would be – and this is an old issue, where historically I have not really trusted her because this has been done before, where she has used things she has done for me, like paying for things, against me to get what she wants because she is righteous for giving it to me – otherwise I am a ‘ungrateful’. I really should have seen this coming before I moved back to Canada, but I was ignorant in my fears and pursuit of getting a degree done.
Things have become somewhat easier lately as I keep interaction simple and know ‘where not to go’ in discussion, and since I have made the decision to find a way out, ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel.’
My concern has been that I am doing this in spitefulness, because I do react to her. Why? Because as I have explained to her, we are essentially the same, all people are essentially the same. But the defining point in this is that I have made the decision to expose myself and start investigating myself and sorting myself out because it is simply what has to be done, it is common sense. I do not see how it is possible to practically work with a person who has taken a clear stance that opposes doing this. I make the exact same mistakes as her – on a daily basis – but I am calling myself out on it and when called out on it by myself or anyone, I will come clean about the fact of who I am and what must be done to correct it.
I never felt good about my move back to Canada. I felt like I had such a good life in Thailand, that I had really made for myself from scratch. I had established bonds there that I really cherished, and I feel stupid that I left them for the fear that I would not have them forever, and from this fear, the temptation I had created to go back and do a University degree for security reasons. Living in this world without a degree feels very unsafe at times, but I really shouldn’t have resorted to this unless I had no other choice. I felt I had to make a decision and was perhaps too pre-emptive.
However I do not want to trap myself in guilt – I am not stuck here by any means, and I did after all, get the better part of a degree done so far, which I would still like to eventually complete. I have learned a lot from being here, about myself, although perhaps it was not necessary to learn ‘the hard way’ as I have.
Ok, I have already written much more than expected – this just goes to show as I have said in the beginning how supportive it can be to simply put aside the fear of what comes out/being judged by others and simply write, because obviously I had a lot on my mind and it is a ‘weight off my shoulders’ to get it all out. Now time for some Self forgiveness on all these points.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself through daily self reflective writing to expose and write out the inner points that I am dealing with throughout my daily experiences as the accumulation of inner thoughts, feelings and emotions as a self support tool, and that I have allowed the fear of judgment hold me back from applying myself this way
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failing in school because I fear losing money and having to work longer to get my degree, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure to complete my degree with haste and fear losing money because the money is given to me based within an agreement that is not based in real trust as equality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form agreements with others that are not based in equality as what is best for all life which then place me in a position of limitation – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for placing myself in an agreement without real trust where I am fully dependent on another who I do not trust.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed fear and greed to get the best of me in moving back to Canada within the fear that I would not be able to have a successful life in Thailand and thus had to make a new life in Canada – not realizing the stability and support I had in Thailand which I squandered and did not recognize, naively adjusting my view of life in Canada being projected as better than it would be to fit my desire to be here for a long term period of time to finish my degree.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not make agreements based on what works practically within the context of what is best for all but instead used faith and belief to cater to my fears and self interest in believing that things will be better than they really are
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to recognize that self support and stability must be in place and recognized to be able to suit long term goals – that I must recognize and establish what is a valid platform of support to then begin to ‘branch out’ from – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up such platforms of support in fear and greed believing which have me overlook what is real support as a platform to live and branch out from and instead have me live in the wasteland of faith and belief in something better
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish and hope that another will change simply because it suits my own plans/ideals of what I want in life, and that I have limited myself to this hope – when in fact I am only able to direct me and must do so unconditionally
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and create an experience of love or happy feelings or anything ‘more than’ what is really here as life with others, and that I have not simply accepted and allowed myself to live/exist participate within LIFE as what is here in the moment and to accept life and within this, accept myself as life and enable myself to explore and experience life in whatever form it exist instead of always trying to ‘make something more’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry or disappointed when life does not conform to the experience I want to make of it as ‘something more’ instead of simply moving on to experience/explore life in other ways that is real as working with what is HERE – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others who attempt to do this and refuse to change the tendency of doing this and they do not understand what they are doing, I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that they do not understand what they are doing or for judging them for not investigating what they are doing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowing myself to fear losing financial support and that which I desire or have defined as being ideal and within this that I have accepted to compromise myself/who I am for this pursuit of what I believe I desire/is ideal
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself because I react, as if I am not ‘worthy’ of making self directive decisions to stand up and support myself practically because I have judged myself/feel bad about myself for not being perfect, reacting, having an ego – and within this that I have allowed others to play on this point of judging myself for not being perfect so that I do not stand up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I’ve ‘lost out’ on a great life as my old life in Thailand or that I will be ‘missing out’ on some opportunities if I leave Canada – not realizing that life is what I make it wherever I am and that if I am self honest and stand up/support myself within all environments, I will always find my way
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn things the difficult way when there is always an easier way through self honesty and self forgiveness practically applied
I commit myself to form agreements that are based within the context of what is practically measurably certainly self supportive within the context of what is best for all life
I commit myself to always stand up for myself as life in self honesty as self directive principle no matter where I am or what I am facing or what my current situation is
I commit myself to never allow money, fear or greed be the directive principle in my life
I commit myself to not follow ideas/ideals of what would be best in life as what seems ‘easier’ simply because I fear facing myself and applying myself to do what is best for all life
I commit myself to support myself effectively through daily self writing and self reflection that is practical, relevant, self honest here
I commit myself to be tenacious, diligent and determined in finding a way for self to support self within the context of what is best for all life
I commit myself to work out practically/mathematically what will work for me and support me within the context of what is best for all and to investigate all possible options and outcomes to find what is best
I commit myself to stop trying to create an experience of something greater/more than life as what is here
I commit myself to create practical, substantial financial and worldly support and independence before moving forward as taking practical steps, whether small or big
I commit myself to create a life of real excellence that is best for all