Day 120: Practical life support through daily self reflection


What am I currently living in my life currently? What am I doing? How am I experiencing myself within myself  as my thoughts, feeling and emotions? To make sure my writing is used as an effective tool that supports me in my process by being relevant directly to how I am currently existing, I sometimes have to make a point of sitting down with myself and asking myself these simple kinds of self reflective questions. Sometimes it all gets overwhelming and I don’t know where to start, so to write this way allows me to self reflect and then identify each point in my life that requires attention and correction.


Today I had an experience where I found out that I had missed an assignment for a class last semester. It means that I could fail the course, even despite the fact that I was legitimately sick, my teacher knew I was sick, and that I have a doctors note proving this. It is because I did not officially register for a deferral, although I wasn’t even aware that was possible. At the time this happened however, I was careless and simply didn’t give attention to it. The fear within this is obvious failing the class. The fear behind this is that it will possibly take me more time and money to complete my degree. I actually don’t mind the degree costing me more money since I am on students loans, and I don’t mind it taking more time, although I would prefer it went faster. The real pressure is that I am essentially getting financial help from my mother who I am not comfortable getting financial help from, so this adds pressure to get the school done faster to end this deal I have with this person. Why do I not trust this person? Because I know that what is being given to me is being given conditionally – the condition is the expectation of having a certain kind of relationship with this person, on their terms – which requires me to be something that I am not, which requires me to be a personality/character that I am not.


What is being given to me is not a form of unconditional help as someone who has more giving to someone who has less so that they can have a better life. It is not being given to me because of the person I am or because it is an investment in a person who may do more for others in return for the good fortune they have been given. No, it is because I am a son, and in this world, children are the greatest investment a parent can put money into for their old age – so long as the child ‘loves’ their parent as the parent gets older.


I wish these points could be discussed openly with my mother – I wish we could both recognize that the starting point for our relationship is fucked because we are simply both using each other for our own means. It would be cool if we could rather support each other, but do so within the context of then supporting others in this world with our good fortune – so that our good fortune is made with the best interests of all life in mind. That is what I would like to do with my good fortune – make a million dollars and help a million people – and for this reason, I don’t really feel ‘bad’ about getting financial help from another who has more than me. But at the same time, I know what I am ‘getting into’ and what is expected in return from me, and that is something that I don’t want to participate in. I have tried to discuss these points openly, and I have been shot down every time, and every way that I have tried to discuss this has been silenced by the one who has the money/power and thus the final say in this house. Changing our starting point for who we are and how we live in this world is something that is not acceptable to discuss in this household. Really, any point that has anything to do with looking at the inner nature of ourselves to make sure that it is able to be assessed as to whether or not it is in fact best for all life, has been deemed unacceptable. Instead, my mother would just rather keep living her own life and never actually investigating what I am sharing.


That is fine enough with me – her decision will be hers – but what is difficult is that while she wants to simply keep living in ignorant bliss of constantly being self absorbed and making herself happy and fulfilled with fuzzy warm feelings of love, I am expected to be a part of that and any kind of relationship I have with her that does not fit into that – is automatically misunderstood and seen as ‘negative’. I have tried to implore: study what I am saying, look into it because I am not here to convince or convert you, if you research and investigate this, you will better understand me and our relationship will certainly then improve. But there is not willingness to do this as I have shared enough and she has seen enough to understand one thing: that what I am doing and the changes I am making do in fact take away from the fuzzy lovey dovey ‘mother-son’ relationship that she wants with me. So it is at the point where who I am and what I am doing has been judged, demonized and there is a desire to snuff it out and end it. There is an authoritarian demand that I simply stop who I am and conform to her way of life and ‘respect her ways’. It is interesting how what one person desires automatically becomes an imposition of the way others live and express themselves, without even realizing this because one is so wrapped up in their own fears and desires.


Anyways, since it looks like we have a disagreement, it doesn’t make sense to continue having agreements and so I will be working on removing myself from this situation. It is difficult to live in a place where not only am I not allowed to express myself – I mean, not even being able to bring up and discuss certain issues because they are seen as negative – but having expectations put on you to be something/someone else according to the life/world/reality another person wants to create and mold the world around them into. I find it uncomfortable living here since we are at this point of being at odds, especially since we had an argument one day where all the attacks and judgments about who I am and what I am  involved in came out in full force, and I stood my ground, not giving into any form of intimidation or manipulation. At one point, that which I was being given as financial support was thrown in my face and used against me in our argument, as the reason why I should conform to her side of it – as I expected it would be – and this is an old issue, where historically I have not really trusted her because this has been done before, where she has used things she has done for me, like paying for things, against me to get what she wants because she is righteous for giving it to me – otherwise I am a ‘ungrateful’. I really should have seen this coming before I moved back to Canada, but I was ignorant in my fears and pursuit of getting a degree done.


Things have become somewhat easier lately as I keep interaction simple and know ‘where not to go’ in discussion, and since I have made the decision to find a way out, ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel.’


My concern has been that I am doing this in spitefulness, because I do react to her. Why? Because as I have explained to her, we are essentially the same, all people are essentially the same. But the defining point in this is that I have made the decision to expose myself and start investigating myself and sorting myself out because it is simply what has to be done, it is common sense. I do not see how it is possible to practically work with a person who has taken a clear stance that opposes doing this. I make the exact same mistakes as her – on a daily basis – but I am calling myself out on it and when called out on it by myself or anyone, I will come clean about the fact of who I am and what must be done to correct it.


I never felt good about my move back to Canada. I felt like I had such a good life in Thailand, that I had really made for myself from scratch. I had established bonds there that I really cherished, and I feel stupid that I left them for the fear that I would not have them forever, and from this fear, the temptation I had created to go back and do a University degree for security reasons. Living in this world without a degree feels very unsafe at times, but I really shouldn’t have resorted to this unless I had no other choice. I felt I had to make a decision and was perhaps too pre-emptive.


However I do not want to trap myself in guilt – I am not stuck here by any means, and I did after all, get the better part of a degree done so far, which I would still like to eventually complete. I have learned a lot from being here, about myself, although perhaps it was not necessary to learn ‘the hard way’ as I have.


Ok, I have already written much more than expected – this just goes to show as I have said in the beginning how supportive it can be to simply put aside the fear of what comes out/being judged by others and simply write, because obviously I had a lot on my mind and it is a ‘weight off my shoulders’ to get it all out. Now time for some Self forgiveness on all these points.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself through daily self reflective writing to expose and write out the inner points that I am dealing with throughout my daily experiences as the accumulation of inner thoughts, feelings and emotions as a self support tool, and that I have allowed the fear of judgment hold me back from applying myself this way


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failing in school because I fear losing money and having to work longer to get my degree, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure to complete my degree with haste and fear losing money because the money is given to me based within an agreement that is not based in real trust as equality


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form agreements with others that are not based in equality as what is best for all life which then place me in a position of limitation – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for placing myself in an agreement without real trust where I am fully dependent on another who I do not trust.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed fear and greed to get the best of me in moving back to Canada within the fear that I would not be able to have a successful life in Thailand and thus had to make a new life in Canada – not realizing the stability and support I had in Thailand which I squandered and did not recognize, naively adjusting my view of life in Canada being projected as better than it would be to fit my desire to be here for a long term period of time to finish my degree.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not make agreements based on what works practically within the context of what is best for all but instead used faith and belief to cater to my fears and self interest in believing that things will be better than they really are


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to recognize that self support and stability must be in place and recognized to be able to suit long term goals – that I must recognize and establish what is a valid platform of support to then begin to ‘branch out’ from – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up such platforms of support in fear and greed believing which have me overlook what is real support as a platform to live and branch out from and instead have me live in the wasteland of faith and belief in something better


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish and hope that another will change simply because it suits my own plans/ideals of what I want in life, and that I have limited myself to this hope – when in fact I am only able to direct me and must do so unconditionally


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and create an experience of love or happy feelings or anything ‘more than’ what is really here as life with others, and that I have not simply accepted and allowed myself to live/exist participate within LIFE as what is here in the moment and to accept life and within this, accept myself as life and enable myself to explore and experience life in whatever form it exist instead of always trying to ‘make something more’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry or disappointed when life does not conform to the experience I want to make of it as ‘something more’ instead of simply moving on to experience/explore life in other ways that is real as working with what is HERE – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others who attempt to do this and refuse to change the tendency of doing this and they do not understand what they are doing, I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that they do not understand what they are doing or for judging them for not investigating what they are doing


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowing myself to fear losing financial support and that which I desire or have defined as being ideal and within this that I have accepted to compromise myself/who I am for this pursuit of what I believe I desire/is ideal


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself because I react, as if I am not ‘worthy’ of making self directive decisions to stand up and support myself practically because I have judged myself/feel bad about myself for not being perfect, reacting, having an ego – and within this that I have allowed others to play on this point of judging myself for not being perfect so that I do not stand up


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I’ve ‘lost out’ on a great life as my old life in Thailand or that I will be ‘missing out’ on some opportunities if I leave Canada – not realizing that life is what I make it wherever I am and that if I am self honest and stand up/support myself within all environments, I will always find my way


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn things the difficult way when there is always an easier way through self honesty and self forgiveness practically applied


I commit myself to form agreements that are based within the context of what is practically measurably certainly self supportive within the context of what is best for all life


I commit myself to always stand up for myself as life in self honesty as self directive principle no matter where I am or what I am facing or what my current situation is


I commit myself to never allow money, fear or greed be the directive principle in my life


I commit myself to not follow ideas/ideals of what would be best in life as what seems ‘easier’ simply because I fear facing myself and applying myself to do what is best for all life


I commit myself to support myself effectively through daily self writing and self reflection that is practical, relevant, self honest here


I commit myself to be tenacious, diligent and determined in finding a way for self to support self within the context of what is best for all life


I commit myself to work out practically/mathematically what will work for me and support me within the context of what is best for all and to investigate all possible options and outcomes to find what is best


I commit myself to stop trying to create an experience of something greater/more than life as what is here


I commit myself to create practical, substantial financial and worldly support and independence before moving forward as taking practical steps, whether small or big


I commit myself to create a life of real excellence that is best for all

Day 119: Pretty Woman – part 2

Here I am doing self forgiveness on the points I wrote in my previous ‘pretty woman’ blog on how I have defined pretty as certain attributes which I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, which I then have sought to ‘re-connect’ with and pursue through finding a female partner that I believe embodies/represents these attributes. As well as this I will be looking at the structured design of how I have defined ‘pretty’ as a picture with certain geometric properties. For context I suggest to read the first blog as all self forgiveness statements will be directly based on the ranting and raving done in the first blog.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined someone who is pretty based on an expression of happiness, joy, or jubilance – either as a self expression or as an ‘energetic experience of being high on life’ – as attributes that are associated with being feminine and thus embodied within the definition I have created as pretty – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to experience these attributes/expressions through another that I believe embodies them as a ‘pretty female’, not realizing that this desire is created through self separating these attributes/expressions from self

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that certain facial expressions are happiness, joy, or jubilance, based on the picture-memory association I have created between these expressions and certain pictures, which I observed in my earlier years in life with some of the first women who I was ever ‘attracted to’ in terms of seeing these pictured expressions which I believed I was separate from, and desired to experience/re-connect with them through another – not realizing that these pictures are simply pictures and inherently mean nothing, as they are able to be deliberately faked or even pathologically conjured as energetic expressions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘pretty’ as: full lips, large, round or well defined cheeks, soft clear unwrinkled skin, large or exotically shaped eyes, a small nose, an under-pronounced chin, and symmetry within the overall structure of the face – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess a woman’s ‘pretty-ness’ based on the degree to which she possesses these geometrical properties/attributes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate these geometrical properties with the word pretty and thus associate this picture representation with attributes such as joy, happiness, jubilance, innocence and femininity, and that within what I have defined as ‘pretty’ and ‘feminine’ exist these attributes that I have separated myself from as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and believe of who I am as a male, who then is driven to pursue and experience that which I have separated myself from as these attributes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have associated this picture representation with ‘pretty’ and ‘femininity’ with attributes such as: gentleness, kindness, sweetness, innocence, elegance and gracefulness as attributes that I have separated myself from which I then seek to experience through another who I believe embodies these attributes through how I have associated their picture representation with these attributes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from joy, happiness, jubilance, innocence, gentleness, kindness, sweetness, elegance and gracefulness – I accept myself as these attributes through continuing throughout my process to see how I have separated myself from these attributes through my self-created definition as a male whose attributes are defined in separation to these attributes – realizing that all self definition I have created can only be based on/relative to what I am not and that through defining myself as certain points within my-self definition as a male, I am separating myself from life as all expressions of life as life cannot be limited to only certain expressions as life is equal

Day 118: Equal Money System vs. Playing the Lottery

A few days ago I noticed a post on-line in my facebook – it was a picture of a man showing a winning lottery ticket, and underneath the picture it was written that if people shared the picture, he would pick from this group 10 people to each give 1 million dollars to. I initially wanted to re-post, but upon reconsideration, I did not. Why? Because firstly, what are the odds that I would actually be picked? Slim to none. Secondly – what is the message that I am tacitly conveying/promoting in participating within this lottery craze? Greed, for starters, and also an underlying mentality that would drive one to play the lottery:


By placing hope and faith in a lottery, what are we implying? That we would like to have more money and better quality of life – so, why is our quality of life not good enough already? Why are we existing in a state of lack already where the current money we have is not sufficient? As has been discussed previously in this blog, there are major economic issues that serve to create a world state where billions of people are living in lack, with not enough, while a very small number of people have far too much. There are very distinct, identifiable reasons for this, enmeshed within the rules of how the current world economic systems function. So my question is: why do we not do anything to sort out this problem, so that we are GUARANTEED a life without lack, where we have everything we require to sufficiently live and have every opportunity to live a life of excellence? The irony of this is that, while we have NO control over who will win the lottery, the economy, on the other hand, is something that everyone collectively does have directive principle in – if we so chose to exercise it. It is not even a matter of chance, it is direct actions, person by person, act by act, that would allow us to accumulatively eventually create a major change in how our economic system functions. It is actually quite amazing and ridiculous that one would place faith in something so unlikely and practically impossible such as the lottery instead of actually working towards a change in the economy – only a lifetime of brainwashing could have one actually believing that playing the lottery is a plausible choice when compared to doing some real hard work that yields real results..


Greed is a short sighted thing, and of course is only ever concerned with self or self and others close to us. And, going back to what I was saying about conveying a message – albeit underlying and subconscious in nature – everywhere you look, personal greed is being endorsed as a way of life, where we are encouraged to participate within the accepted world economic system casino, only for our own personal gain, and at that, as a matter of chance. Yes, some peoples chances are better than others. If you are born into wealth, your chances are much better than one not born into wealth – similarly, if you have money to buy many lottery tickets, the better chance you have to win the lottery. If you have very little money to buy lottery tickets, the less chance of winning the lottery. Some people are born into no money and cannot even afford to play in the money lottery as the world economic system casino.


Look at to what extent this conditioning of living in the economic money casino has on people and the way we view life. Notice how much people simply play the odds and just hope for the best and hope that they have played their cards right. Look at the extent to which people invest in faith and hope, the extent to which people believe in luck and chance as the deterministic way of life – even the belief in God has turned into a kind of game of chance where we hope and pray for the best. Have we excluded absolute certainty as a way of life? Could the exclusion of absolute certainty as a way of life be the reason why we live in so much fear and uncertainty?


I dare you to challenge your brainwashing to lose faith in the money system casino and instead, stand up and support a revolution in our world economic system where we write the rules by which our economic system functions based on the certainty of guaranteeing all people on earth everything they require to exist and to live a life of excellence – investigate equal money system and equal money capitalism – one by one, we can accumulatively create a new way for life on earth – 1+1+1+1+1 etc…now that is certainty.

Day 117: Ignoring the mind – part 2


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself through ignoring the mind – either through suppressing my thoughts, feelings and emotions or simply disregarding what I am aware of through and as the mind as what I am participating in when a point is fully understood as its origin, manifestation as thought/feeling/emotion and thus its consequential outflow/play out


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within past habits/acceptances and allowances wherein I did not have the tools to understand/work out the mind by not utilizing the tools I have now to understand/work out the mind


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ignore negative judgments others have of me while still desiring to be judged positively by others – not realizing that these two points go hand in hand and that one cannot exist without the other – and from this, believing that I can somehow escape the negative judgments while attracting the positive judgments


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore the mind – as the awareness that something is ‘not right’ as understanding that there is a consequential outflow to my actions, in favor of giving into desires/wants – and that, this does not mean necessarily that I must suppress wants/desires, but that rather I must face them and do the necessary self investigation to understand them and see, understand realize who I am within them through self honest writing – however, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply ignore what I do certainly understand about some desires/points where I know their origin, how they are manifested and thus how they will play out, as an act of stupidity in making a quick decision in ignorance as if I were ‘jumping off a cliff’ and simply ‘hoping for the best’ as if the predictable consequence will somehow magically not happen


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be reckless – believing that I am invulnerable/invincible as a result of a life/childhood experience where I was privileged, provided safety and had no real understanding of how life works and thus acted as if life was a game without consequences, as it was presented to me this way


I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to illusion myself through believing that I want and need certain things that I must pursue and acquire with reckless abandon as a general neglect/disregard for life


I commit myself to be aware of my thoughts and investigate my thoughts when and as I see myself caught in the act of thinking, to see the real nature of my thoughts and what they are indicating and immediately and unconditionally do self forgiveness on them – this can be done through writing, aloud, or even in my mind as long as I am the directive principle in utilizing the voice and applying the forgiveness – this makes self forgiveness possible anywhere, any time


I commit myself to stop the habitual behavior of helplessness within the belief that I am incapable of supporting myself/sorting out the mind through engrained past experiences of not understanding self/the mind, and to utilize all tools at my disposal in investigating, understanding and sorting out the mind as myself


When and as I see myself desiring to be judged positively by others and to manipulate my presentation of me/their impression of me – I stop, I breathe, I see how this is a desire based on fear with the inevitable outflow of wanting to escape/ignore negative judgments of me and manipulate my presentation of self/how others perceive me, and I do not participate in this game of good/bad or likeable/unlikable characters as the desire exist within my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions


When and as I am aware resonantly that something is ‘not right’/’off’/of a self dishonest nature – I investigate this point to see in specificity what I am participating within and how I am participating to see if self deception exist, and to stop the tendency to suppress myself due to a general/vague awareness that something is ‘wrong’ – instead, I stop, I breathe, and I investigate myself and my reality and my actions through self writing


When and as I see myself simply ignoring what I already understand and am aware of as my participation in desires where I see the consequential as not being best for self/all as a form of ignorance to the mind as my desires – I stop myself, I breathe, I realize that there are no ways of avoiding consequence as what I am participating in is not what is best for all, and I do not participate in this tendency to simply ‘go for it’, and the tendency to ‘hope’ that everything will somehow magically be fine – I see and realize the consequential outflows of my actions and no longer allow myself to deceive myself through the fear of giving up this desire which pushes me to simply ‘go for it’ – realizing that if I give this point up, only then may I see who I really am and what the consequences of self honest living would be


I commit myself to see and find out what the consequences of self honest living are

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to act with reckless abandon, where I will be reckless in abandoning myself/life in favor of my desires as what I believe I want – I stop, I breathe – I realize and understand that this tendency was engrained through leading a privileged life where I did not always see or understand the consequences of my actions and thus  believed that there were no consequences/that I was invincible – I no longer allow myself to act/live this way as I realize that all my actions have direct consequences and thus all consequences created must be within the context of what would be best for all life


I commit myself to see through all illusions that have me disregard self/self honesty/life/the physical through no longer participating within my desires to pursue them with reckless abandon – as only then will I see through the illusions and who I am when I stand for/as life

Day 116: Ignoring the mind


I’m here to write about the tendency I have developed over time of ignoring the mind, or pretending that the mind does not exist. This is a form of suppression that I have developed over the years for a few reasons.


Firstly, I did not always understand the mind. In fact, I was not even very aware of its existence, even though I have been living in it/preoccupied with it. Not having the tools to really question my mind or how to reflect on and assess what I was experiencing, I simply did not live in a way where I understood that I had the capacity to see the mind, because I never did.  So from that perspective, I just never ‘went there’.


Secondly, as I grew older (especially in my teen years) I became aware of the massive amounts of judgments (mainly negative) that people made of others. In order to live the kind of life that I wanted, I had to, from a certain perspective, simply ignore what others thought of me. This could be positive in terms of not being influenced by what others think of me, but the fact is that I did care about what others thought of me, but I simply had to do this as a kind of survival mechanism as I knew that I was constantly being judged and that the life I led would even exacerbate the judgment of others, so I simply ignored it all and this eventually developed as part of an overall pattern of escapism that I had developed.


Thirdly, I often ignored the mind as a matter of doing what I had to (or thought I had to) to get what I wanted or go where I wanted to go in life. In other words, when I had doubts or fears about something, I would ignore them and ‘just go for it’. This came in handy when forms of aggression were necessary to ‘get what I wanted’ – like for instance, playing football, I would have all kinds of doubts and fears about making a big collision with another player, but as what is necessary as part of the game to be successful, I would just go ahead and do it. Or for instance when it came to ‘getting the girl I wanted’ – a certain amount of ignoring the mind was necessary, where I would ignore all these fears and doubts, as a form of awareness that I am in fact playing a game which is deceptive in nature, yet I would just ignore this and ‘just go for it’.


There were a couple aspects to this third point. One was a kind or a resonant of feeling/knowing what I am doing is wrong, but not being able to stop myself or not choosing to stop myself – although there may have been the odd time that I did stop myself. The other, was a kind of awareness that if I did certain things that were of the mind (at the time I was not aware that they were of the mind) like participating in my desires, that there would be consequences, and yet I simply ignored these consequences. For instance, I noticed how drinking coca cola made it extremely difficult for me to sleep and was linked to my insomnia, yet I would do it. Or, I noticed at one point that when I masturbated, I was not ‘the same’ after and would experience myself in very negative ways after the positive high of masturbation – and again, although there were at times where I deliberately stopped myself, often my desires got the best of me. It can be a confusing situation when you have already been programmed to have desires and so that which you believe you want and need is conflicting with what you happen to notice in self honest common sense is not supporting you. I’m sure that people go through this every day.


It has become like a lifestyle habit, where I do the same things – like for instance when I am experiencing desires. I know I am experiencing a desire, yet I will just ignore what I know and go for it anyways. Or I will be fully aware of the consequences, and just go for it anyways. It is like a form of absolutely ignoring myself/fooling/myself/sabotaging myself, where it is like I will naively say to myself “yeah….it’s not there, just ignore it!” and in a very ‘fast way’ (we always tend to rush to our desires) it is like I will just ‘jump into the deep end’, and brace myself for the ‘crash’, hoping for the best that there will somehow not be consequences or that they will not be so bad or believing that maybe I will be able to ‘handle’ the consequences. Now that I write this, this inner experience is really reminiscent of what a person would do when they commit suicide by jumping off a cliff, and that is basically what it is – a slower form of suicide – because instead of instant death, it is a slow death over time through a pattern of diminishing yourself through this habitual way of living, slowly but surely…


So over time this is how patterns of self abuse have developed – confusing that which I believe supports me with what is actually best for self as the physical body. I distinguish here between belief and the physical because anything that is not best for me for real as a physical being is based in mental illusions where in my past I defined what I need and want in life and what actions are apparently necessary to take me to that point.


In part 2 of this blog I will begin writing self forgiveness and self corrective statements on this point of ignoring the mind.

Day 115: Law and decision making in an Equal Money Capitalist System


How would law and decision making work in an equal money capitalistic system work? I used to think this was some big complicated deal to figure out, but I eventually began to see the simplicity of how these decisions would be based, as they all fall within one basic principle, being: All life is equal and as such all laws and decisions will be taking into consideration all life equally as what would be best for all individuals in this world.


So, looking at our current situation on earth, there are X amount of resources that require to be allocated to X amount of people, while taking into consideration doing this in a way that is environmentally friendly as taking into consideration what the best way to do this would be while taking the eco system and the animal kingdom into consideration.


So for instance, we are able to determine that human beings require basic life support such as food, shelter, healthcare, education, transportation, and thus some of our resource production and allocation system must be designed to provide this.


We know that these basic rights must be protected, thus security, law enforcement and property/ownership rights must be designed to protect the basic necessities of the human as the right to life.


We know that – through our current economic system – money and resources are able to be hoarded and used as leverage over other human beings for power and control, and thus economic laws will require to be designed in a way where money serves only to allocate resources equally to those who require them, and the acquisition of one person having ‘more’ than others must be determined through an equal labor system where all have the equal opportunity to work and earn more, if they so choose – eliminating the possibility of exploitation. So the money that is allocated as a basic human right to support living needs is exhaustible – meaning that it is only to be used for this means and thus if any extra money remains when basic needs are taken care of, it will cease to exist as all needs have been met, eliminating the possibility of hoarding and exploiting this basic right. This affectively deals with one of the main criticisms of how our current welfare system is sometimes exploited.


We know that because the human requires education, education will be equally available for all and will be designed in a way where there is no profit motive and self interest as the driving force to educate oneself, and rather support the individual in education to develop their self expression and skills in a way that would benefit not just themselves, but benefit themselves in a way that is oriented within the context of what is best for all life. The same would apply with work – the incentive of jobs and the work force would be to work in a way that supports the individuals self expression, while providing a dignified life for oneself and contributing to the welfare of all, answering the questions some might have about the aforementioned resource production and allocation system of “but who will provide these resources” – as society provides unconditional support to the individual, so will the individuals life be organized in a way as to serve the interests of what would be best for all life equally.


One of the main fears regarding this kind of system which has been engrained since birth is that of scarcity – that there simply will not be enough to go around for everyone. What is not considered within this is the massive amount of waste that is produced within the current system, and the mismanagement/mis-allocation of resources. If one does their homework it has already been shown that even within the current profit-driven economic system, we produce more than enough in basic resources to support the earths population, but actually deliberately with hold or even destroy many of these resources, simply to create profit through desperation in demand of those who live in lack.


Obviously within an equality based system, all war would stop and this has also been recognized by many that even the amount that we spend on wars is more than enough to provide everyone on earth with basic resources. There is more than enough for everybody. There is NO real excuse to not have an equality based system and provide a dignified life for all beings on earth save for mental disorders of fear and self interest.


Some might argue that human beings would not be willing to live within an equality based system and that the self interest of the individual would reign supreme, however, that is not considering several points:


1. That self interest is a point that is culturally conditioned that disregard the facts that human cooperation is always essential and central to all development.


2. Our current system is based on incentives that drive the individual to participate within their own self interest – this is engrained within the profit motive where one is inclined to ‘get the best deal they can’ regardless of whether or not it is best for all parties involved. Thus if there were a change in incentives where we had new incentives that were: working towards the benefit of all life is what will benefit the individual the most, then obviously the individual would work towards the interests of what is best for all life.


3. Those who steadfastly uphold the values and principle of our current profit/self interest based economic system, are a very small minority within the greater context of the worlds population. Growing up in a rich country, I used to believe that all people were conditioned in this same way, to be greedy, self interested, and spitefully competitive. However having travelled the world I have seen that this is not the case everywhere. The population of rich countries in the world constitutes roughly only a billion people out of the world’s population, and there are still plenty of poor people within these countries. An even smaller minority is those who capitalize to the extent of being wealthy, it is a tiny portion of the worlds population. As majority of the world population falls within the category of ‘have-nots’, the majority of people on earth would be inclined to support an economic system – I have found this not simply through common sense but investigating the character and views of people in poorer countries when compared to people from richer countries. It has only tended to be people from richer countries, and especially those who are doing well financially within these countries, that I have ever found require to be explained to the value of an equality-based system. In this sense, personal success and happiness is one of the most blinding forms of brainwashing that exist.


In a world where the divide between haves and have-nots is ever increasing and slated to only increase, I would suggest that the have’s remember their roots and to use their opportunity of a privileged life to stand up for those who do not have. For others as well as self, as the have-nots of the world have had-enough bullshit and will – as we have seen in news stories from around the world – begin to simply wage war on those who have and take back what has been unrightfully taken from them as their right to a dignified life. Do not get carried away with the thrills of a privileged life, forgetting that in the enraged eyes of the envious as those who were left behind, we all carry a bulls-eye on our backs.


Day 114: Pretty Woman – part 1


I’m here today to investigate how I have defined the word pretty – which is obviously a word that is associated with females my own individualized perceptual reality. What was not so obvious to me (and prompting the reason for my investigation) is what exactly that words means, other than a vague idea of a kind of picture that stimulates a bunch of feelings within me. I mean, what is ‘pretty’ really?


I will do a series of blogs wherein I will deconstruct the point of ‘pretty’ as I have defined it through a mind construct – starting with the ‘ranting and raving’ portion of the mind construct with which I will be working to later deconstruct.


Ranting and raving about ‘pretty’:


When I see a pretty face, I see happiness, I see jubilance, innocence, like a kind of excitement as an expression of joy, enjoying life, being high on life. These are really the only main points I can think of at the moment, in terms of how I see pretty as an expression, as the facial expressions I see that make a woman pretty. On the more ‘structural’ side of it, meaning the physical features that I find pretty, they include: Full lips, large and well defined cheeks, soft, clear skin (without wrinkles, usually indicating youth) large eyes or exotically shaped eyes, like having a particular slant to them where the edges are less oval and more sharp, small nose, an under-pronounced chin. It is interesting because the small chin with large cheeks almost carries the same general shape as drawing of a heart (the love kind, not a real heart lol). Symmetry in the shape of the face and having all of these individual facial features consistently, so that they all complement each other to form the ‘perfect face’, is also important. These things together make up what I have defined as a ‘feminine’ face, and basically what I like about it is that it represents everything that a man is not – the opposite of masculinity. Within the concept of being ‘feminine’ as I have defined it are some attributes which these features represent: gentleness, kindness, sweetness, innocence, even a kind of elegance and gracefulness. All of these physical attributes together and the attributes which they represent would all be part of my idea of what I have defined as ‘the perfect woman’.


In part two I will begin deconstructing the above blurb about how I have defined ‘pretty’.

Day 113: Pretty Woman: The Movie?


Tonight I had a bit of free time, which is the first time in a while that I did not have anything that had to be done imminently. I wanted to relax a bit, not really do anything too intense – yet I did not want to do any of the things that I have traditionally defined as ‘relaxing’, because many of these things I found were not at all relaxing, but rather a form of stimulation that simply excited me in a ‘positive’ kind of way, so I felt relaxed in terms of a feeling/perception, but in fact it was not allowing me to just exist here, free of energetic experience. Watching hockey, for instance, is an example of this.


So I decided to watch a movie. Again, I did not pick a movie that I simply felt would entertain me in this same kind of stimulating way, but instead watch something that would be interesting as a way of exploring myself, meaning, to see who I am within the experience of watching this movie. This was suggested to me during my structural resonance interviews, to watch movies and check for my reactions to them as a self reflection to see who I am. So, having been dealing with the points of women and sex for quite some time now, I decided to watch “Pretty Woman”.


It is basically about a very wealthy business man who falls in love unexpectedly with a woman working as a sexual prostitute. He is a ‘gentleman’ with her and is different from other men/customers this way, and she also ‘surprises him’ by not being the kind of girl he expects. At points throughout the movie, they both talk about how they see potential in each other. She mentions at one point that her childhood fantasy was to have a ‘knight in shining armor’ come and rescue her, and this is basically what ends up happening by the end of the movie. They are both afraid to commit to each other as they had both become ‘business people’ who would never allow themselves to become emotionally involved, but they end up falling for each other anyways. Along the road to falling in love, they also have a lot of sex and the rich man showers the woman with gifts and a wonderful life. At one point she claims to not want his money, in protest that she does not just want to be another prostitute to him, because she says she loves him.


The movie is able to touch on a persons emotions because it deals with issues of class transgression, the overlooked potential of a person, and defying social conventions. However, obviously I question: would any of this be possible without this man be extremely wealthy? Would any of this be possible without the woman being very beautiful and giving him lots of sex?


They both claim that they are just in it for the love, but the fact is, none of this would have been possible if the man was rich, or if the woman was not beautiful.


Within myself, one of my strongest reactions when watching the movie was towards seeing the rich man give the woman ‘the perfect life’ and essentially save her from the clutches of reality. I relate to this as I have essentially done this – a few times – with girlfriends in my life. It really seems like a great idea. And, as It was done in the movie, I even used the ‘bleeding heart’ emotions of “look at the potential this person has, they deserve a good life!” as a way of justifying what I was doing and validating this charitable effort. It seems so real because, it is true that this is a person, a being with real potential who does deserve the opportunity of a good life. But it is simply not looking at the greater context of what I am using that understanding to justify – which is my own self interest of ‘getting the girl I want’, because the fact is, just like the rich man in this movie, I would not be doing something like this for a woman if she was not beautiful.


It seems real, seems like love – that is how strong the emotions get when we reach the dreams that we create of a perfect life where we finally have all of our needs taken care of, and are finally free of this fear of survival! Yet, no one seems to notice the fact that this very dream was created out of the fear of survival. So, when we finally manifest that dream into a reality, there is a strong experience of positive energy as we have attached such a strong positive charge to this dream that is based in the fear of survival. That positive energy, when experienced so strongly, is even often referred to as love. That would mean that love, as so many of us have come to know it, is just an extension of our fear – perhaps the greatest of all fears, as it is only when this energy is so high and strong that we can qualify it and equate it with love as the most positive feeling possible.


But it is just a feeling and like all feelings, it is fleeting.


So, this is a tempting fantasy for men and those in positions of financial affluence as they can use this position as leverage to get what they want, while justifying it as ‘doing something good’. As well, I’m sure that many women have as well – the ‘knight in shining armor’ fantasy. The justification here may be that they really do love their saviors, and may even ‘give everything’ they possibly can to them, and devote their entire lives to them.


But within this, none are questioning the greater context of what is creating this whole situation – it is not necessarily the money or sex per se, but rather the self interest. That what a person is basing their actions on is entirely based on what they want, and that it all gets covered up in the name of love. Some may have already noticed how people often get used in relationships and thus from this perspective, when we find have been used in a relationship and did not see it, it is because we did not already understand this point and how we ourselves were using others equally in our relationships. Again, it could be true that one requires money and financial support. It could also even be true that one requires emotional support and sex. But the fact is, when it is based purely out of self interest and the fear of loss – where we become consumed by this fear of loss to the point where we are really only taking into consideration ourselves – that in no way can be called love. Rather, it is more like a business deal – and that is what both of these people in this movie clearly were – and it was even stated in the movie – they are business people. As the business man in the movie said to the woman working as a prostitute: “you and I have a lot in common, we both screw people over for money”.


If we were simply self honest in looking at what was really driving us in these pursuits, we could come clean in recognizing it for what it is, and in this way, not just use others for our own self interest and cover it up under the guise of love. But then, an interesting thing may be realized: that ALL people on earth require, in essence, the same basic life support that a human being requires to live and function effectively. This puts the lovebirds in a bit of a conundrum because it challenges them to recognize that love is not something that is exclusive between two people, that is associated with an positive energetic experience. As we all require these same things that drive us to engage in our relationships, it can be seen that we all require love, and no man – or man and woman together – is an island. We are a society. We are a group of humans and everybody is depending on everybody else to some degree or another to be able to live and survive in this world system. In fact, most of the things that you use and consume and take for granted in your world so that you can live a great life of love and happy feelings was made by people who you have never met, have never cared for, and who are experiencing none of your ‘love’ as you have currently defined it.


So, why do we not love them back? Are we too stuck in our illusory fantasy of love – an energetic experience where we believe that our relationship will in some way save us and make us complete – to notice that for love to really exist, so that we can all live amazing lives, free from the fear of survival, that love is necessary to exist for everybody? Because as I have indicated, if it were not for everybody else, none of our privileged lives would be possible.


This form of happiness that we are looking for in a partner is not love – it is the escape from our fear of survival because on some level we know that: all people on earth are NOT unconditionally taken care of and valued as life, and thus this fear of survival will always exist, no matter how much we delude ourselves to experience a momentary perceptual escape from this feeling/awareness. The same way we get carried away with our feelings if we were to win a jackpot in a casino, not realizing the whole time that it was pure lack that we were not one of the losers. Amazing the rush of energy we get when winning is defined only by not losing, as if we have accepted that losing is the inherent state/experience of ourselves/our world.


So obviously, this is short sighted stuff. Hitting the jackpot with a wealthy guy, or hitting the jackpot with a beautiful woman is not the answer. And it does not even have to be about these extreme examples of love – it can be more subtle and simplistic – the point here is the escape from reality that we engage in with our personal relationships. It is just a temporary escape from a world that is designed to inevitably fail. And even if it does not fail for you, it will fail for others and when you realize that you have accepted and allowed this as a way of life on earth while you were busy preoccupied in a love fantasy, you will realize that YOU have failed.

Day 112: Facing self in relationships



Today while I was listening to an interview, I realized an interesting thing. The interview was called ‘Pornography messed up my sex life’ and it was fascinating. It was basically about how and why many of us (mainly men) end up turning to pornography and how it is able to become an absolute mental possession that consumes us – scary what is possible when one goes down that path, believing they have more control than they actually do.


A specific point was made about using masturbation through pornography as a way of escaping our actual sex lives and relationships in our real physical world – where this can sometimes be difficult and thus we will tend to instead turn to porn and masturbation because it seems ‘easier’ there as if we have freedom and total control – when this is not so in fact. It is basically a ‘wuss’ move, is what was mentioned in the interview, and that because we may already have issues with sexuality/relationships, we will tend to use that as the excuse for why we don’t engage in actual relationships in our real world, using the ‘I’m so bad, you don’t want to get mixed up with me’ excuse – which I have certainly used. I have feared my own sexuality in this regard, and facing it through my relationships through others and facing who I am through my relationships with others.


But this is in essence a form of giving up – condemning ourselves as not being able to be in relationships, simply because issues exist that need to be sorted out – inherently within that tacitly accepting that we cannot change. Assuming that just because we get into a relationship, these problems will continue to be allowed. They may show their ugly heads, they may be exacerbated, but through bringing these issues out into the open with others we give ourselves the opportunity to face who we are, if self honest, and perhaps even be assisted by another, in one way or another. Any experience can be a gift if one is self honest and often with feedback are we able to get a clearer reflection of ourselves. Just because we are this way now, does not mean that we cannot take necessary steps to support ourselves and sort ourselves out with self forgiveness, within the clear realization and understanding of what we are accepting and allowing. As long as we remain self honest and aware of who we are within our experiences, we give ourselves the opportunity to see what we are doing, stop, and forgive ourselves.


I always realized that masturbation could be an escape – but I did not necessarily pin point what it is that we could be escaping from as wanting to stick to masturbation instead of sex. It is this point of facing ourselves in others, and others as ourselves.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate within physical/sexual relationships with others because I fear facing who I am within these experiences and have used the excuse/justification of ‘I’m not ready/I’m bad/I don’t want to bring another down with me’ as a way of rationalizing not participating within real physical relationships.


I commit myself to face myself through physical interactions with others and only impose boundaries within clear understanding of principles that are best for all and within this, explore who I am as even who I have become through my participation with others

Day 111: Fuck it. Fuck everything. (part 3)


Here I am continuing from the self forgiveness statements I wrote in part 2, proceeding to write self corrective and self commitment statements on the point of giving up by essentially saying ‘fuck it, fuck everything’ – a tendency/habit that I have formed over time through layers of past experiences that eventually led to this point.


When and as I see myself feeling discouraged/as if it is impossible to learn/expand myself/do what is necessary to be done in school/work as a resonant experience that may be triggered through not understanding something and feeling overwhelmed by the pressure I am placing on myself to understand/perform and comparing myself to the progress/understanding of others and believing/feeling like there is no support and from all these factors accumulating in the mind as a resonant experience as feeling overwhelmed – I stop, I take a deep breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe – I slow down, noticing the accumulation of all these points that have been integrated over time through experiences – and I release them and release myself from them as the belief that I require fear to move/motivate me as I have used it over time, and I do not allow this fear as these resonant experiences as thoughts/feelings/emotions to move me


When and as I see myself going into the tendency of not making decisions for myself and expecting/waiting for decisions to be made for me from some ‘higher power that is out of my control and believe I do not understand – I stop, I breathe, I direct myself here in the moment in self honesty and do not allow this tendency to be directed by outside influences as higher powers/chance/luck to direct and influence me as this is in no way self movement


When and as I see the tendency for that which I have accepted as ‘higher powers’ – as things that I have accepted are outside of my control and do not understand/believe I do not understand/believe I cannot understand – to influence my outlook on life and what is possible/not possible – I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow these beliefs to influence me – I instead investigate what is possible and how I am able to direct myself in self honest practicality


When and as I see myself becoming confident or losing confidence based on what I observe of the opinions that other have of me, either positive or negative – I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate within/be influenced/directed by these ideas/perceptions/beliefs as opinions – and I move me as me as life, free from mental influence


When and as I see myself judging others around me who fit into/can effectively participate within the systems as ‘nerds’ – I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow myself to participate within this tendency to make myself feel superior to others and instead look at practical ways in which I am able to stand equal to them as how I can participate effectively within the systems within the context and starting point of what is best for all life


When and as I see myself going into the resonant experience of feeling/thinking like no one cares about me – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is a projection of myself as the tendency to not care for/support myself, and I do not participate but rather, see how I can practically support/care for myself


When and as I see myself turning towards entertainment/distractions/diversions through the resonant belief/feeling that I am not able to move myself, direct myself live a fulfilled life where I am applying myself and living to my full potential – I stop, I breathe, I realize and understand that distractions and diversions only lead me further away from ever realizing myself and what is possible – and I live, and apply myself in self honesty as the self directive principle as me living to my full potential as LIFE LIVING


When and as I see myself experiencing spitefulness towards others as blame/the desire to escape through believing I am not able to stand and from this, desiring to want to try and escape myself this reality in spitefulness – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize that spitefulness as self interest is not the answer – and rather, I apply and direct myself in whatever is necessary to be done here in the moment to support me as life


When and as I see myself relating to messages/symbols of spitefulness as for instance in entertainment – I stop, breathe, identify what it is specifically that I am ‘relating to’ and thus, why I believe that I relate and apparently enjoy relating to these things, and I stop my participation in them within the understanding of the resonant experience I am actually getting as energy from experiencing them


When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to prove to others/myself in showing that ‘I really can be nasty/the nastiest’ through being aggressive/dominant/competitive/attacking – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is a resonant tendency built up over time through the acceptance of the belief that nastiness will win me ‘respect’ through fear – and I do not participate within this tendency that is based on this belief – rather I stand unconditionally as who I am and embrace myself as life here, free of all spitefulness


When and as I see myself going into the tendency of taking my work for granted – I stop, I breathe, and I embrace that which supports me as work to be able to explore and discover who I am through the discipline of practical application


When and as I see myself going into the ‘feeling/experience of believing I am superior because I can do things that others can not – I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow myself to act on/be influenced/directed by this belief of what superiority apparently is as competition/dominance of others in spitefulness and fear


When and as I see myself not understanding/realizing/being aware of why I have a tendency to give up and acting as if this is some great mystery as feigning ignorance – I stop, I breathe, I take the necessary steps to see, understand and realize why and how I have built up this tendency/habit over time – and I use this understanding in practicality to STOP the tendency to give up as I direct myself here in self honest awareness of who I am


I commit myself to never again give up on myself as the tendency/habit of saying ‘fuck it, fuck everything’ and trying to escape into a world of self interest as spitefulness towards others/myself/life