So in the last blog I discussed an event which prompted a lot of emotions within me, such as anger, frustration and fear, and all of this wired in a way where I tended to want to blame that which triggered the experience within myself. I am continuing to have these kinds of experiences and I have noticed one thing about all of them – that I simply do not have the control that I may believe I do, and that the sense of happiness and freedom – which is really just based on an idea/experience that I am in control – is not real, but instead is an experience that I am creating for myself to escape the actual fact that I am not the directive principle of/as myself in this world/reality.
It is simplistic yet sufficient enough to say that there is no way that I can claim that I have any real control/authority/directive principle, when I am not even the one who is creating my own thoughts, feelings and emotions – the fact that I actually don’t know where they are coming from or how they are being created.
This was shown to me again in a recent experience where I ‘lost my temper’ with another person, to a degree where it scared me a little, in terms of the fact that it happened unexpectedly, and the degree to which my anger ‘flared up’ – it has been a while since I became quite that angry, and I felt like hitting something or breaking something, which is a tendency I have had in the past when losing my temper – once to a point where I actually shattered one of the metacarpal bones in my right hand – however it has been a while since this degree of reaction had occurred within me, so it was like “holy shit, I still even have it in me to be like this?”
Fortunately I could not allow myself to act on this with another, as I wouldn’t want to live with myself/experience the regret of having done so. I essentially ended up ‘giving this person a piece of my mind’, and while I might of had a valid point in what I was unsatisfied with in this other person, the fact remains that such a reaction indicates my own inability to direct the point – that which I am reacting to from what I see in another – within myself. The way the words came out were in itself like a form of violence and for this I still then experienced a degree of regret – not a cool experience.
The fact is that it does not matter how ‘wrong’ or fucked another person is – I can only ever expect another to take self responsibility if I am doing the same. In the act of not taking self responsibility for self, all kinds of things in my world really become nothing more than distractions from what is here/relevant/important, which requires my attention. So, within this, it is rather stupid to allow ‘the good feelings’ and all the ‘positive’ experiences with others that are essentially useless in terms of my process and what requires my attention – yet, I am becoming angry when these distractions come in the form of negative experiences/distractions.
I notice that I am very easily distracted and become very lost within my relationships to others – there is still this point of survival where I am constantly trying to make things a positive experience, which includes within this giving lots of attention to others so that I can basically find a way to please them, entertain them and give them some kind of overall experience of positivity which then hopefully reflects well on me in their eyes – this is all based in fear of survival. There is within this, no focus on self/self direction, where I go from moment to moment – it is like I don’t know where to stop and draw the line, because the interaction is not self directive and specific in the first place.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to engage others purely to entertain them and give them a positive energetic charge for my own perceived benefit which is based in fear of survival –within this, I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to make all engagements/interactions self directive and specific, here in the moment, from moment to moment, in a way that is best for all life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by emotions as fear as the fear of not pleasing others within the belief that I must please others – not realizing within this that to best support others in a way that is best for all life, only simple direction of a point within self honest common sense is required – that real problems must be understood, addressed and solved practically, and not covered up with positive experiences
When and as I see myself focusing my attention on others as a way of distracting myself/diverting my attention within the desire to create a positive experience – I stop, I breathe – I realize that within this desire to entertain myself/others I am in fact deceiving myself and blinding myself from what is real and thus rendering myself ineffective to actually direct myself and others in my reality – thus I do not participate in this desire to create positive experiences as my thoughts, feelings and emotions which prompt me to do so
When and as I see myself focusing my attention on others rather than directing self here, and also focusing my attention on that which others do to distract my attention by attempting to create emotional/feeling experiences within me – I stop, I breathe, I assess the situation here in self honesty to see whether I am participating within fears/energetic desires, and thus how I can rather assess how I can better address/direct the point and thus how to more effectively direct the point/others who present me these opportunities – I commit myself to direct myself here in self honesty and stop all forms of energetic flirtation and bickering, through stopping, breathing and not participating in the energy as my thoughts, feelings and emotions such as fear which drive me to participate in such situations as this fear has been created as this system that I have continuously participated within for many years with no real benefit and disastrous consequences