Day 167: Daily input

I forgive that I’ve not allowed myself to see and live the realization that: what I put into myself will determine who I am and consequently, who I am based on what I accept and allow within and as myself is also the input that I put into others/this world and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that if I want to see a change in others/my world, I must be the change/input into others/this world that assist and support others to change through the input I put into them as that which I live and exist as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have trapped myself into a pattern based on memories, where, based on my memories, I had accepted myself as something ‘less than’ and others/my world as ‘greater than’ and within this, believed that I am too small and weak to overcome this and have any kind of relevant place in this world – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to dedicate myself to the pursuit of success based on my own self accepted and allowed inferiority, and within this process of working to achieved success as power/control/dominance, that I’ve allowed myself to create within myself the experience of achieving success/control/power/dominion as something great/amazing and that I’ve allowed myself to believe that the adrenaline rush which I experience within this – to be real and who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with others when I am able to stop and breathe and be the support/self directive principle they require, and that I have not allowed myself to realize that my frustration is not about them, but rather it is about me and my own inability to support/direct them

I commit myself to put input into myself that has real value as the value of life, as I input into myself the value of life so that I may be and become a being that values life

I commit myself to stop the pattern of wanting to achieve dominance from a starting point of self created inferiority – when and as I see myself pursuing this kind of dominance as power and control, and the adrenaline rush/positive energy high that I get from it – I stop, breathe, I realize that I am here as breath and that I can be nothing more/higher and that anything ‘higher’ is merely coming from a point of existing as lower and thus if I want to be a real being that value and care for life, I must stop my own self created inferiority/superiority complex

I commit myself to stop allowing myself be frustrated with others – when and as I see myself becoming frustrated with others, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this frustration is only about me and my own deficiencies, and I remain here in the moment to be the support/input that others require which I would like to see to create a world that is best for all – I do not participate in judgments related to frustrations about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

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Day 166: Accumulating self movement

Today when I woke up, and was groggy due to having a very deep sleep. I noticed that very early on, the thoughts began arising about being tired, and all the fears that go along with it – will I be able to function? What if I fail? Am I ready? Am I rested enough? Etc. The thing is that I simply didn’t have time to laze around and or think _ i had to move, as I give myself 30 minutes each morning from the time I wake up to the time I’m out the door. It is just enough time that I really need to get ready. Doesn’t leave much margin for error.

I noticed that my performance at work today was satisfying, both for myself and my students. I also noticed the lack of thinking/fears, and that I simply moved – despite the initial fear arising that I would be ‘too tired for my day’ – which I had allowed more on previous days (and also happened to be more tired on those days) – I was fine all day. Along with breathing through the thoughts in the morning, I tended to pace myself more throughout my day and react less to potential points of stimulation. The way that I started my day may have played a part in this.

What I also noticed about this is the implications it has on the way I tend to ‘over prepare’. When these kinds of thoughts/doubts/fears arise, I am accepting within myself that I’m not ready or I can’t do it – and this directly impacts my performance throughout my day. Sometimes I fool myself with the thought that “I must be prepared” – but once an understanding of the skill that I am employing has been achieved/grasped, then there is no preparation necessary – all that is necessary is to be here in the moment to apply it – and no amount of preparation can compensate for not being here/present in the moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed to realize that what I accept and allow in each moment is what will accumulate for me as consequence in the consecutive moments – and thus if I allow self movement in moments, then self movement will be what accumulates for me as a new way of life. I commit myself to move myself in every moment, not allowing any justification of procrastination and laziness, no matter what the mind presents to me as something which I may fear to lose. I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that If I accept and allow fear of loss, then fear of loss is what will accumulate within and as me as who I am and how I live.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use the ‘victim mentality’ of ‘oh poor me, I’m so tired, I need a rest!’ to justify not moving myself here in every moment as what is necessary to be done as that which is best for all life.

Day 165: Nice guy complex

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to always appear pleasant, upbeat and happy as a way of attracting others by pleasing them – whether it is through conscious or subconscious prompting, to have them think, feel and believe that I am nice/pleasant/good – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted within myself a definition of having value and worth that is based on how others see and judge, and thus believing that I must become this ‘nice guy’ character entirely and completely

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the tendency to want to be nice and pleasant to others is in fact based on inabilities and deficiencies as a lack of understanding and skill development – and thus, if I were actually to be and live as an effective, skilled, and functional being through understanding, that I would not require to compensate for this inner state of lack by presenting myself as a nice picture/someone pleasant, when I am in fact – and so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined pleasing others and making others happy, as simply generating a nice/happy feeling within others, not actually realizing that to please others or make others happy would mean to ultimately do/live whatever is best to support others as myself within understanding as equals

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loss as the fear of not appearing nice/pleasant, as the belief that if I am not nice/pleasant, others will not like me and that will mean consequences of loss for myself in my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the desire to appear to be the nice guy and please others is in fact a desire that is created within a state of fear, as the knowing/awareness that I am not effective in supporting others as myself and thus if I allow myself to support others as myself here in breath, one and equal, this fear and stress as the desire to please others will stop

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to please others and appear to them as the pleasant, nice guy character – I stop, I breathe, I realize the fear as inferiority that this is in fact based on, and I do not allow myself to participate in this fear as desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to breathe through the fear as the tendency to be the nice guy character as a form of compensation and let go of the fear of loss as the fear that if I let go of this crutch/form of compensating, that others will not like me and I will lose – and simply move myself here as breath in doing what is necessary to support myself as others in the moment

I commit myself to stop defining being good/benevolent and supporting/helping others as a feeling which I live/exist as/appear as which I then attempt to try and generate within others – when and as I see myself trying to generate this feeling within others by playing the ‘nice guy character’ – I stop, I breathe, I realize that to support/help others/be good/be benevolent, is in fact a form of physical support here as breath as myself, equal and one, and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these definitions which then prompt me to behave this way as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 164: Dealing with fatigue as resistance in the moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wine and complain – both within myself as thoughts and out loud for others to hear – playing the role of victim and ‘poor me, I work so hard’ as a for of resistance/laziness and wanting to cling on to the mind and not change

When and as I see myself experiencing the desire to want to complain/wine/give up/resist doing what is necessary to be done and direct myself here in the moment – I stop, I breathe, I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in this self pity and self accepted limitation as I see, realize and understand that this is the minds way of resisting change through an experience of being overwhelmed and ‘oh my god, I can’t do this’ –and thus when I see this energy arise within me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, I do not allow myself to participate and simply continue focusing on breath here

Day 163: Staying the course of self honesty

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to please others – even if it means compromising myself/my own integrity and sacrificing my body – simply out of fear of survival and that I have allowed myself to believe that if I do not please others/sacrifice myself, I will be at a loss and not be able to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need others/the approval and support of others to be able to survive in this world to such an extent where I would actually disregard myself/life/what is here to satisfy this fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am going to fail or that somehow failure is inevitable and thus – I must save! Save myself, save my money, save everything and the world, the way it is – not realizing that by doing this I am actually reinforcing a sense of self distrust within myself as a belief that I am a failure/will fail

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire short term gratification to appease my desire for money/success/happiness that in fact exist within a fear of loss

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to further specify my participations within/as this world to ensure that I am using time in a way that us best for all, within the realization that time always runs out and thus, I am not to take moments for granted as every moment here on earth is a moment that gives me the opportunity to world towards bringing about a world that is best for all

When and as I see myself preoccupying myself with others as the desire to please others – I stop, I breathe, I do not accept/allow myself to participate in this desire as it is based in the fear of survival and thus I breathe through the energy as the desire to do this as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wasting my time/distracting myself/not using time efficiently/not directing myself as effectively as I could be – I stop, I breathe, I no longer allow myself to participate within pointless activities/inefficiencies/distractions, or my thoughts feelings and emotions which divert my attention towards these actions, as I see, realize and understand that time is valuable and limited as an opportunity to support myself and do what is best for all life

I commit myself to support myself/direct myself effectively within self honest common sense within the realization that time is valuable, and I am valuable – as when I am able to support/direct myself effectively, I am then able to support and direct others effectively and create a world that I would want to exist in, being born into the shoes of any being

Day 162: Feelings and emotions as mind control part 2

So in the last blog I discussed an event which prompted a lot of emotions within me, such as anger, frustration and fear, and all of this wired in a way where I tended to want to blame that which triggered the experience within myself. I am continuing to have these kinds of experiences and I have noticed one thing about all of them – that I simply do not have the control that I may believe I do, and that the sense of happiness and freedom – which is really just based on an idea/experience that I am in control – is not real, but instead is an experience that I am creating for myself to escape the actual fact that I am not the directive principle of/as myself in this world/reality.

It is simplistic yet sufficient enough to say that there is no way that I can claim that I have any real control/authority/directive principle, when I am not even the one who is creating my own thoughts, feelings and emotions – the fact that I actually don’t know where they are coming from or how they are being created.

This was shown to me again in a recent experience where I ‘lost my temper’ with another person, to a degree where it scared me a little, in terms of the fact that it happened unexpectedly, and the degree to which my anger ‘flared up’ – it has been a while since I became quite that angry, and I felt like hitting something or breaking something, which is a tendency I have had in the past when losing my temper – once to a point where I actually shattered one of the metacarpal bones in my right hand – however it has been a while since this degree of reaction had occurred within me, so it was like “holy shit, I still even have it in me to be like this?”

Fortunately I could not allow myself to act on this with another, as I wouldn’t want to live with myself/experience the regret of having done so. I essentially ended up ‘giving this person a piece of my mind’, and while I might of had a valid point in what I was unsatisfied with in this other person, the fact remains that such a reaction indicates my own inability to direct the point – that which I am reacting to from what I see in another – within myself. The way the words came out were in itself like a form of violence and for this I still then experienced a degree of regret – not a cool experience.

The fact is that it does not matter how ‘wrong’ or fucked another person is – I can only ever expect another to take self responsibility if I am doing the same. In the act of not taking self responsibility for self, all kinds of things in my world really become nothing more than distractions from what is here/relevant/important, which requires my attention. So, within this, it is rather stupid to allow ‘the good feelings’ and all the ‘positive’ experiences with others that are essentially useless in terms of my process and what requires my attention – yet, I am becoming angry when these distractions come in the form of negative experiences/distractions.

I notice that I am very easily distracted and become very lost within my relationships to others – there is still this point of survival where I am constantly trying to make things a positive experience, which includes within this giving lots of attention to others so that I can basically find a way to please them, entertain them and give them some kind of overall experience of positivity which then hopefully reflects well on me in their eyes – this is all based in fear of survival. There is within this, no focus on self/self direction, where I go from moment to moment – it is like I don’t know where to stop and draw the line, because the interaction is not self directive and specific in the first place.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to engage others purely to entertain them and give them a positive energetic charge for my own perceived benefit which is based in fear of survival –within this, I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to make all engagements/interactions self directive and specific, here in the moment, from moment to moment, in a way that is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by emotions as fear as the fear of not pleasing others within the belief that I must please others – not realizing within this that to best support others in a way that is best for all life, only simple direction of a point within self honest common sense is required – that real problems must be understood, addressed and solved practically, and not covered up with positive experiences

When and as I see myself focusing my attention on others as a way of distracting myself/diverting my attention within the desire to create a positive experience – I stop, I breathe – I realize that within this desire to entertain myself/others I am in fact deceiving myself and blinding myself from what is real and thus rendering myself ineffective to actually direct myself  and others in my reality – thus I do not participate in this desire to create positive experiences as my thoughts, feelings and emotions which prompt me to do so

When and as I see myself focusing my attention on others rather than directing self here, and also focusing my attention on that which others do to distract my attention by attempting to create emotional/feeling experiences within me – I stop, I breathe, I assess the situation here in self honesty to see whether I am participating within fears/energetic desires, and thus how I can rather assess how I can better address/direct the point and thus how to more effectively direct the point/others who present me these opportunities – I commit myself to direct myself here in self honesty and stop all forms of energetic flirtation and bickering, through stopping, breathing and not participating in the energy as my thoughts, feelings and emotions such as fear which drive me to participate in such situations as this fear has been created as this system that I have continuously participated within for many years with no real benefit and disastrous consequences

Day 161: Feelings and emotions as mind control

Tonight I had another fascinatingly shitty experience. I am currently living in a foreign country – Thailand – and magically, my bank card – which is my only access point to my money, magically stopped working. This coming at a time where I am establishing myself in this country – so, I literally found this out the moment when I went to pay for the new vehicle I had bought, and was also planning to finally rent out a new apartment for myself.

With no clear indication as to why my card stopped working, I also joyfully found out that every single number that my bank offers for international calls – does not work from Thailand. When I finally managed to reach someone at my branch, they gave me a number to call collect, I found out that collect calls do not work from cell phones in Thailand. Finally, I managed to figure out that skype would allow me to dial one of the banks 800 numbers.

After 6 hours of anger and frustration, I managed to sort all of this out – but wow, it was amazing how emotional I became about all of this. Plenty of fear, but predominantly, anger and frustration – this was compounded by the fact that I had could easily find every reason to be angry at the bank because from a certain perspective, their system had in fact failed me. As a paying customer, ‘I deserved better’.

Now, to step away from all of this emotions that I had experienced, I can actually recall some very critical points to consider – mainly that I in fact live in a world where people are constantly disregarded by the system every day and suffer much worse than I ever have. Yet, I had all of this anger and mental activity because this was about ME and MY fear. As much as I did not want to (and that resistance also contributed to the anger) I worked fervently for 6 hours to sort out this situation. So of course I have to ask the question: why do I not respond with the same sense of urgency and importance for those others who suffer worse than I?

After saying some self forgiveness on this experience, I was noticed once again how emotions are so easily able to be used to control and manipulate us, and this is the reason we are not standing up for others. We are controlled by our own fears which makes us turn to either fight them or take flight from them, and then find all kinds of ways to escape them through love and positive feelings. This is why the world does not change and we are creating massive consequences for which we are all due in time to face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry due to the fear of loss that I have created and allowed to be existent within me and within this, that I have used knowledge of a failed system as blame and justification for these emotions which I in fact create, and allow which keep me enslaved and deceived

More on this in part 2…