Recently, I had some moments of realization where I saw the degree to which I have suppressed and neglected myself. This has been a pattern for quite a long time in my life which was built up through experiences where I found life very difficult and simply felt that I had no way of dealing with things or would look for others for answers or support and find none.
The things I have been dealing with recently have been smoking weed and the desire for women/sex. This has been a long-standing point that I have created for myself in my life. Sometimes I become so preoccupied with the present moment that I forget that there is an entire his-story behind that which I am currently experiencing.
In my early teen years I became enthralled with women and the idea of the beautiful woman, it was almost a point of desiring a savior. I slowly but surely became addicted to my experience of masturbation as it was fueled by the thoughts and fantasies that I had, I became to that mental experience in masturbation and eventually when I got old enough that sex was a viable thing with a partner, I became dependent on the partner for this experience/addiction and would base my entire relationship and choice of partner on that point ultimately.
In my early 20’s an interesting thing happened. After going through some of the turbulence that was the consequential experience from existing this way in relationships, I became somewhat disenfranchised with the game and found an alternative, and this happened when I started smoking marijuana heavily. What I found (without realizing what I was doing at the time) was that marijuana brought me back into this fantasy world, which could also be reinforced with imagery/pornography. The marijuana made the experience feel much more real as it was greatly intensified, so from this I turned more towards my own masturbation. From this, my relationships quickly would deteriorate/become dysfunctional, and the sex that I would have would tend to be much more fantasy-based. It also became more extreme/taboo as the way I was doing it was always meant to be such an intense mental experience, that I would always have to ‘increase the dose’ to be satisfied with the experience.
So here I am ten years later at the same point where I have had to really stop and stabilize myself and direct myself to stop from repeating the same mistakes. What I really realized about the marijuana addiction is that it was truly never about the marijuana – the marijuana was simply the fuel, the ‘lube’ to help me go into this experience or chasing this experience. What I also came to realize was that the whole desire for a relationship/the ‘perfect woman’ was a way of fearing living my own life to the fullest and not living my life to it’s fullest potential, and within that, believing and wanting that another person could fulfill me.
Now, as of this day, I am seeing the whole point more and so stopping the marijuana habit is the easiest that I have ever experienced it (I have stopped and started again many times in the last 7 years), as I am seeing the whole point, how and why it starts, where it will go and how it will end up, and that because it is all a form of coping/compensating for a life that is not being fully lived, I am seeing where I can make corrections/live my life in a different way so that the desire to participate in this pattern no longer exists or appeals to me.
Quite simply, I am the one that I have been looking for all along. Seems like a simple statement and yet the fascinating part is in the living of this statement – seeing in real time and detail what it means to live to my fullest potential and what I am capable of. Once the past is understood, there is simply no more reason to remain stuck in self-limitation and the expansion process is able to begin.
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see the pattern of using marijuana to keep alive my addiction to sex/beautiful women and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this desire for sex/a relationship with a beautiful woman is a way of seeking a higher experience of myself because it is me who is not moving/directing myself to live my life to the fullest potential and it is me who believes that it ‘I am not good enough/I am not capable’ of living my life to it’s fullest potential.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be persistent, consistent and committed in my process of stopping the patterns of smoking/chasing after women/sex and to specify my process so that my movement within experiences/interactions is specific to directing myself to expand myself and deliberately not go into past patterns
When and as I am presented with any opportunity to go into this pattern, I stop, I breathe and I do not participate in the energy of the mind, rather, I move and direct myself to specifically not engage in the energy and the behavior fueled by energy and deliberately not participate in the same patterns no matter how challenging or uncomfortable it may ‘feel’ – thus within such moments/experiences/situations I simply move through the energy and make the point of walking through it and within that, direct myself in a whole new way where I can expand myself and transcend that which I would normally do/engage in – I commit myself to repeat this point of self correction and be consistent/persistent in implementing this point of self correction until I have transcended the desire to go back into past patterns completely.