In my dream last night I remember being very angry, specifically towards my mother. It had something to do with me blaming her desire to have a beautiful home and always having money for home improvement/upgrades but never enough money for me or the family. There was a moment where I got the courage to speak up on the point, and it was when she started explaining/justifying why she did what she did that I got really angry, because it was like there was no reasoning anything, and I felt like whatever reason she was giving me was just total BS.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards my mother and hold anger from the past against my mother
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for her tendency at home improvement/upgrades and that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this for why I never felt I had enough or had all the things I wanted to experience or all the opportunities I would have liked in my life, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards my mother because I blamed her for having restricted opportunities and privileges in my life, and that I did not allow myself to see, realize and understand that I am the creator of my life and thus I am not actually restricted even though I may be restricted for a time, things change – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that certain opportunities and privileges would have made me happy and fulfilled me and made up for the problems in my life when in fact such an energetic desire is a desire to escape a situation that at the time I did not know/was not equipped with the tools to deal with
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to change my mother/speak up about her habits and tendencies from a starting point of fear of loss – of having desires that I fear will not be fulfilled as I see, realize and understand that I am not in fact being supportive to her or myself when I am speaking from such a starting point and that this behavior is inherently reactive == nothing can be done here in this way – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my mother when she begins defending herself and justifying her behavior as I see, realize and understand that I am only angry with myself for acting out of fear and separation. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify this anger by defining her as ‘unreasonable’, as I see, realize and understand that this is exactly the kind of reaction/behavior that I elicited by speaking in fear and separation as my starting point
I commit myself to create myself and life with words, and with my words I commit myself to create a life that is not based on fantasies and desires but rather a life which honors all life and takes into consideration that which is best for all
I commit myself to stop my own desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies of having the perfectly comfortable life with no challenges, total comfort and absolute ease of control, and instead life a life that is best for all here with the people that in fact support me and are the ones whom I could not live a dignified life if it weren’t for them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to work with people in a way where I ‘keep back doors open’ – meaning that I look to get what I want and advance myself only, and am thus insincere and disingenuous and if I no longer see that I can ‘use’ the person, I will go out the back door and basically forget them/abandon them/cut them out and continue my own path of self satisfaction – thus I commit myself to work with people in a committed way, as I see, realize and understand that this does not mean being dependent on people or being limited by people, but that I can work with people in a way that is sincere, genuine, considers what is best for them and ultimately is based in a mutual support where I will no longer abandon or discard others simply because I feel they can not help me advance to an energetic goal of addictive desires