Day 348: The gift of education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of past definitions of who I am, which I have associated to words within a particular character construct as ‘the top guy’/the ultimate guy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to challenge myself through pushing myself to educate myself properly, through efficiently placing in words and the correct meanings of words and correcting and destructive meanings to words that I have acquired, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to adjust fully to the current reality that I in fact have the tools to be able to assist myself to educate myself properly and ensure that my ability to process information is effective and self honest through working with the words and the meanings of those words that I am living

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself openly within/as this process of re-educating myself and utilizing education as self re-alignment to reality, as I see, realize and understand this process of re-education is one that completely removes all ego from words, knowledge and the processes of working with words and knowledge as with the proper understanding and methodology to educating oneself on words, all are equal in ability and potential and thus there is no one that cannot be assisted within this process of walking the point of understanding words and meanings of words

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the simplicity and power of words as the determining points of the ways in which one lives and thus to design an ideal life is a simple matter of dedicating oneself to educating oneself on words and the correct meanings of words, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus myself on words and the words I am living as the meanings I have given to them and instead tried to compensate by making myself special through the meanings that I am giving to words, as I see, realize and understand that by attempting to make myself special through sensationalizing my deficiencies in vocabulary I am in fact fighting for my own limitations where I could instead be freeing and expanding myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the way forward in this reality is in fact through education, but that this has not been realized as education is something that has not been grasped as the human is something that is not fully grasped and thus what I believe I know of education is a point that I have ‘given up on’ while this has limited me from uncovering what education really is and should be, and utilizing it as the solution, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss education as the only way forward in reality and instead replace it with warfare: that I have accepted and allowed myself to become separated from my self and my reality through not grasping myself and my reality as the words and meaning that are used to define and understand myself and my reality, that I have turned to resisting my reality which inevitably develops into some form of warfare where my understanding of reality becomes special so that I may attempt to survive within the reality that I have separated myself from

I commit myself to challenge myself daily to focus myself, my being, my breath and my presence on the words and the meaning of the words that make up this reality, so that I may develop my ability to take in, process and understand information

I commit myself to walk the example of valuing myself, honoring myself and ultimately being honest with myself by walking the example of giving myself the time and attention to education myself and utilizing the tools available to me to educate myself with the tools I have available as I am fortunate to have such gifts and thus have a real response-ability to myself and others to spread the gift

I commit myself to utilize the tools and education I have available to stop any resistances I may have to this process of educating myself, wherein I commit myself to support myself in working through the words that I have given particular meanings to which are not correct and have emotional attachments to past memories/experiences, which only serve to keep me from living here in the present and to move forward with living life – I commit myself to utilize the tools I have available to stop such limiting and destructive meanings which keep me trapped in past patterns

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Day 347: Anxiety, part 1

 

I am here to write about the point of anxiety. This has been a massive point for me throughout my life/process as my entire inner experience of myself has become that of almost complete anxiety all the time. It is a broad point that encompasses many smaller points so I will look at opening up this point of anxiety as a process.

 

When I was young I remember once noticing fear, and what an awful, horrible experience it was inside myself. By the time I had gotten into my teenage years, I had become so accustomed to it, that it was like at some point I said ‘fuck everything, fuck myself’ and just embraced anxiety as a way of life – and all the things that go with that, with living from a starting point of anxiety.

 

What do I understand about anxiety? It is not natural, it is a learned behavior. How is it created? As far as I can tell, anxiety is a form of fear that is based on the way that one is currently living/existing. The culprit? Our own self-interest. When we make the decision to define ourselves in separation to life, in spite of life, as some form of entity that believes it is somehow superior to life as the mind, this is where anxiety is born. I mean it is simplistic in asking the question of how can one live in contempt of their fellow man, animal and nature, and not have fears? By the very decision to live in separation to life, fear is created.

 

So what is the actual definition of anxiety?

1) (psychiatry) a relatively permanent state of worry and nervousness occurring in a variety of mental disorders, usually accompanied by compulsive behavior or attacks of panic

2) A vague unpleasant emotion that is experienced in anticipation of some (usually ill-defined) misfortune

I find those definitions are deserving. The point of anxiety being about the overall point of ‘who I am’ (or rather, who I believe I am) is what it would make it a permanent state of worry and nervousness. The second definition mentions the point of anticipation which relates to what I had mentioned about anxiety being like a form of certainty, as fear of the future, where you are certain within yourself that the future is something to be feared, because you are aware within yourself of what it is that you are living.

 

And as anticipated, this is looking to be a big point because it is like everything that I am, every way in which I defined myself and how this character of myself that I have created in my mind actually looks like. So in a way here I am able to outline all of the points that make up the self definition of this character that I created….

 

I was told once through a buddy chat that – with regards to how I designed this character in my mind – that I basically wanted to be ‘the top guy’ – the ultimate. In the next blog in will begin to look into this outline of ‘what is this perfect character that I am trying to be in my mind?’ who is he? What is it that I believe I should be as this character?

Day 346: a strong will and a bleak outlook


This is an excerpt from a journal entry today with regards to the point of resistance and giving up on oneself/life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become jaded and disenfranchised within my process through experiences of trying and failing, wherein I felt like I put in all of my effort, like I suffered and sacrificed myself and did all these difficult things that were to no avail – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I took for granted my own ego and the fact that I have a long history of believing I can simply will anything without proper education or know how because certain things came easily for me in my life without my effort and I was praised for essentially nothing real, and that within this tendency to simply will myself and force myself/this world into change, had many experiences where I tried and failed and did not understand why when I had ‘given so much’ – which I have defined as making an effort and going through difficult or stressful experiences. Because of the many advantages that I’ve had in my life which have made it possible for me to simply ‘will’ (which was in essence really strong-arming/using enough sheer force/energy to get my way) I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to discount and not consider this point and that it is necessary for me to for a moment step back, as in my moments of real progress in my process where the ones where I was able to sit back within myself at the times where I wanted to speak, where I wanted to ‘make things work/wanted to make things happen – not realizing that I must work within and as things – meaning that I am another interacting participant of the whole of life which must work here in real time with others within a communal effort which of course utilizes real communication rather than typical knowledge-as-the-gospel peddling.

I commit myself to sit back and remain humble in my process within as breath, not participating within the fear of loss which drives me to ‘want to make things work’ – thus I commit myself to sit back from the anxiety of the tendency to want to jump out and ‘act first, and swiftly to get it done!’ and remain here as breath so that I may move forward with others in a communal effort that is based in real time communication, here as breath

I thus commit myself to stop the tendency to be jaded and feel like process and making an effort is so difficult and walk this process in simplicity as breath so that I may work with what is here, I commit myself to stop the tendency to want to will my way into this world and rather to walk with this world in understanding through supporting and understanding myself

Thus within this I realize the importance of the line of communication I open and walk with myself as a kind of personal holy communion where I communicate that which I am experiencing, without judgment and knowledge, here in real time so that I may understand it and walk the corrective application necessary to really live in this world and enjoy a truly fulfilled life

Day 345: A phone call from Africa

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Today was so fascinating that although I haven’t been blogging much lately, I simply have to share. It started out with my usual weariness to face my day, the anxieties and resistances that still come with the experience of getting up and preparing myself for my day. As I was eating breakfast, I saw my cat at my door with a newborn baby rabbit in her mouth. I really reacted and was kind of pissed off at my cat because it is not like she is hungry, but I understand her…that’s a whole other story. So I put the cat away and immediately started scrambling to take care of this newborn thing that I have very little idea about how to take care of. It wasn’t long until I realized I had to see a vet, and although I feel like I can’t afford a vet because that would mean I have very little money leftover, I just couldn’t justify not doing it because of money.

Finally I got the baby rabbit to the vet, and it was not too long until the animal died. Ultimately my efforts were in vain and this was essentially because I was not educated on the point at all. The vet claimed a baby rabbit, once separated from it’s mother, cannot be resuscitated. Although I even wonder if this approach is fully informed, I mean, there must be a way another animal can raise a baby rabbit, but again another topic for another time.

When I arrived home, I was mentally exhausted. I felt like it was a good learning experience, but at that  time that it finally ended, I just wanted to relax, you know? I felt tired and all.

Then I got a phone call from Africa.

There is a person from Africa, who found me on Viber. If you don’t know Viber, it is like an online call/chat program. I didn’t pay much attention to it, other than having a vague impression that this person was living in generally poor conditions, and that maybe this person was trying to be my friends or charm me somehow in order to get money. In my experience I have been exploited by women who have used the love point as a way to get money, and because this person is female, I was apprehensive. Because of those past experiences where I wasn’t sure if my help was even deserved or effective, I became skeptical.

One of the first things that she said was ‘you forgot about me’ because I had to ask for her name again and where she came from. Now I actually didn’t forget her but I reacted within myself to those words because it made me realize how negligent I was the whole experience. Something happened in my world, something came up, and I simply did not take it on. I did not ask, “what is going on here, what does this mean?”. Most of the harm we do in this world is through simple acts of ignorance and passivity like this.

So of course I told her I did not forget about her and being affected by her words, I listened intently to her and tried to ask the right questions to get a sense of what is going on with her. She told me about how she has a family of about 17 people, they barely survive and have a very meager existence. They cannot afford school. Their food and water supplies are very limited. I mean, she spoke with such absolute simplicity but her words hit like a rock because they were the simple truth. “I am so poor. We are so poor. Life is so difficult.” It was obvious by her tonality that this was no false cry for help. And I am aware that people like this exist in our world, who really have NO chance in life – I just meet so few of them, because, how the hell would I hear about them? No one talks about it. They don’t have access to the internet and ways of contacting people. Hell, they don’t even know how to communicate with most people who are outside of their economic class.

This girl was fortunate enough to meet a woman who helped her get a phone and offered to buy her credit when she needed it. So she blindly went searching for people on the internet who may help. Sound like a long shot? This 17 year  old girl, with limited English and coming from an impoverished background, had the courage to approach strangers from completely different cultures and economic classes, within the hope that they would understand her and help. She told me of one experience where the person completely did not understand and had a negative reaction, and how for an entire day this girl cried and did not eat. I told her that it is great that she is not letting herself cry and instead going looking for help, staying active.

I also apologized for not being in touch and not really getting to know her more before. I told her that it was a good experience for me because it really puts into perspective who I really am and what I am really here to do in this world. I told her that I am embarking on a new career in education and asked her if I could help to give her family an elite education, if this was something that would interest her. She said yes and was very grateful for everything. So we ended off the conversation with the understanding that I would do what I could within the capacity that I am able to. In situations like this, you are really pushed to the limit in terms of really considering just how much you are able to do.

I asked her, why me? She said that her friend, who had given her the phone, said I had ‘an innocent face ‘ and this is what she thought of me. That I am basically “one of the good ones”. Now this is where I started to cry uncontrollably, which I did not expect, nor did I reveal to her. I cried because it made me realize to what degree I have actually come to believe that I am a bad guy who is not capable of making a difference, or not deserving or whatever. It made me realize the degree to which I have judged myself and my society, my culture, how much I have come to loathe what we are, through countless experiences of trying to actualize self change and make a difference in this world, and finding that no one seems interested, and how hard it is to even get my own selfish ass to be interested.

But when the cold hard facts hit you, you realize that the work that needs to be done in this world is not a matter of opinion, of doing good, of what anyone believes is right or wrong: it does not matter what people believe is right or wrong – this is the real shit that is going on in our world and if we are ever going to expect to honestly have good lives for ourselves, we can’t do that without first looking at the shape the rest of the world is in. The lives we live and the way we live should be completely contextualized by what is going on around us – even if the whole world seems to want to ignore it. All of the things that appear to matter just dissipate and vanish when you are educated properly through hearing a story as bleak as this one. All of a sudden things come into crystal clear perspective of the trauma of realizing how bad things in this world are while I was busy with superficial bullshit.

I’m not advocating charity, goodwill, any of that kind of stuff – frankly I fucking hate it when people tell me I am a good person because these things do concern me, because only I know whether or not I am doing enough about it – and I’m not. What I am understanding from this experience is that everything in our world is here for a reason and I am actually glad we are now coming to a time where the problems in our world are so intertwined and inescapable that we are, in a way, forced to look at them. The point is not about what the solution is or what is the right solution or not – it is simply about recognizing what is here, not avoiding it, not trying to escape it, but embracing it as yourself so that you may understand it and thus be better enabled to assist and support it, so that you too can live a fulfilled life. It takes real effort and self discipline to ‘walk in the shoes of those who are suffering in every moment’, where you don’t need to be reminded of the worlds problems, where you don’t need to be forced to stand up and help, but to not do so has such grave consequences that I would not want to have to face when I go to my grave. We spend all our time fearing to truly live this life when it is the end of this kind of life that we are currently living which should be feared.