Recently I had become quite Ill (actually, a couple times in the last week) and the experience has really forced me to slow down. I saw how difficult it actually was for me to do that, even when the body is really pushing me to stop – it is like the stress and anxiety that I have grown so accustomed to and associated with ‘getting things done’ is so engrained because I associate such an anxiety-driven state of being with getting things done.
These illnesses are gifts in disguise because it becomes very difficult to change a pattern when it is so engrained. The greatest gift was seeing that all of the things I am doing are not as important as my being – that merely doing things and accomplishing things doesn’t make me a real being, it does not make me a real person. On the contrary, to be real is to get real things done.
This is important because too often I have put my own being, or my own ‘well-being’ – on the side and justified such a stance with the fact that ‘I need to get things done’ because apparently if I don’t simply do things, I won’t be who I want to be and have the kind of life and experience that I want to have. But it is so important to value my being, to pay attention to ‘who I am’ before any actions can be well spent. The more I write about this point the more I realize how crazy it is to prioritize what I am doing over who I am, that I have prioritized actions that are oriented around survival, but not paid attention to ‘who I am’ within it all. I mean this is the reason why a lot of people in this world will make a lot of money but have ‘black hearts’ and never actually change the world into a better place/have a real impact, despite all of the things that they have done and they money that they have made. I can learn a lesson from those people before having to learn it too harshly myself.
We even do the same thing in our economics – we tend to not give (most) human labor any value, which is insane because without the human, nothing else gets produced! It is the same point with regards to what I am talking about – without me, without giving real value to myself and who I am, I cannot move forward with anything that I do.
What gives me real value and recognition? When I value myself and recognize my value, and this is something I do in my writing, for instance, or in other ways, where I take the time to support myself, to get in touch with myself, to educate myself – the time to be my own best friend and teacher and supporter. What I must understand is that there is NOTHING more important than this – no matter how important something seems. There is no point in accomplishing things if you ignore and abdicate yourself within that – sure, some short term ‘success’ may come, but how long will any success last when you don’t invest in yourself? Or, what is the point of having success if you are deaf, dumb and blind to your reality?
So, whether I have homework, a gig, business work, an appointment, a date – whatever – it is really never as high a priority as supporting myself and this is the way I ought to treat myself, to treat my process and the actions I take to support myself – as absolutely crucial to everything else. Like putting my pants on in the morning – I’m probably not going to go very far in my day without pants. Sure, I might get away with accomplishing a couple things, but eventually, the fact that I have no pants on will grind all my efforts to a halt.
This is my top priority – yes my life is busy and I have very real things to accomplish, but I know from experience that things will eventually grind to a halt, and I will actually end up losing more if I do not give myself/my process the attention and time it deserves. When I do have challenges in my real world activities – and I constantly do – process will facilitate all of these points and allow me to work through them with ease. If I only do 1 thing in an entire day, it should be to work on my process and give myself the attention and support that I require.
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to treat my process and supporting myself through writing as my top priorities in life, no matter how great the fear is that I do not have time as I see, realize and understand that working on myself/my process is the catalyst of self support that is required for all other things to move
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘there is not enough time’ as I see, realize and understand that time is created and only exist when I create it and thus to create time effectively for all my activities, I must first support myself and structure myself through writing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to defeat myself before even getting to the point of writing and supporting myself through having expectations and only basing self support on ‘getting me to where I need to go’, as a way of simply ‘righting the ship’ so that I can carry on with doing more things – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally write and support myself – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel/believe like I am ‘giving something up’ by taking the time to support myself, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact improving myself/my life and that no matter what the circumstance are in my life, I am always able to support myself in this way
I commit myself to write unconditionally, every single day – even if it is a small amount, even if I have ‘things to do’ – I commit myself to making writing my top priority every single day and to always devote some time to writing, unconditionally, as a way of giving myself a moments break/release from all of my daily responsibilities and the stress/anxiety that may go long with it
I commit myself to stop any fear of the unknown as my process and self support represents the point of the unknown – as this is the only way to actually support myself and expand myself – and to let go of the perceived safety of the known and only sticking to things where I can predict an outcome
I commit myself to write and support myself in writing until I am ready to face the world
I commit myself to no longer fool myself into believing that I am capable of facing the world without supporting myself and valuing myself through the act of writing as self support