Today, I noticed my tendency to ‘over-prepare for things’, to try to do everything ‘the right way’, to focus ‘too much on getting it right’ – it is like a striving for perfectionism by holding my breath and trying to control every little thing so that I can ‘have a firm hold on everything’.
I used to do this with many things in my life – I would make everything in my life revolve around a particular point, usually some kind of obsession that I was trying to fulfill. Now I have noticed this tendency in the same way I try to apply myself in my process – specifically, with being disciplined and getting things done. While it is true that sometimes you have to simple walk through with something and ‘go for it’, in terms of delving into uncharted territories (after all, that is what discipline is about, doing the things that we may resist because they are new/unfamiliar) – it is not necessary to ‘brace myself’, to ‘psyche myself up’ as though I am preparing for war, for some catalystic/climactic/’make or break’/’do or die’ moment. It is as though I am trying to set aside my whole entire day/life in order to prepare for ‘what I need to do’ within my process. But this begs the question, if it is self honest common sense, if it is really self expression as who I really am, then why do I have to push myself so hard?
It is as though I fear losing everything if I do not accomplish what I set out to do. It is as though I fear forgetting or losing motivation – so much of what I mentioned here is just old habits learned through past experiences where my self movement was based on fear of loss and the energy created from that fear of loss which drove me – so I would ‘keep my energy levels high’ to do something that I either did not really want to do, or believed I did not want to do because I did not understand how or believed that I was inferior and incapable of doing it.
Everything is here and there is no real need to do this. This process is not something that I should be walking because I feel it to be a ‘do or die’ kind of scenario – it should be a self honest, common sensical self expression through understanding the consequences that my actions have, and within that, what would I then like to do based on the kind of life I would like to create and experience? This is where all my mistakes come in as quite useful because I am able to simple look at an action and go ‘ok, been there, done that, know where that leads to – I would prefer not to have that experience’. Or, going to the ‘positive side’ of it – it is like ‘ok, I know that if I do this/put in this time, then this will be the consequence and that is really quite a cool consequence that I would like to see and live through’.
Not only does this behavior come from past experiences from much earlier on in my life, but for a large portion of my process I had been living this way, where – when it was explained to me how physical actions could help to support me to get me out of the mind of thoughts/thinking and bring me back here to breath/the physical body, I oversimplified it in way with fear of loss as my starting point and went ‘ok, I must do all things physical and as long as I do physical tasks all day long, I will be fine’ – but life is much more specific than that! Doing only physical actions does not mean that I am necessarily growing or expanding myself, it can still be turned into another form of self-enslavement where I hide from life and new experiences, due to the fear of what mental stuff may come up during such new experiences – a pity, because there exists my opportunity to see who I am, learn and change!
Additional to this self deception of the ‘idea of being physical’ is the belief that I must not do things that will stimulate me – specifically, eating certain foods or ingesting certain chemicals/drugs – again, if I am self honest, then I should not actually fear any substance – and that is really all it comes down to – all beliefs aside, simply being self honest in every single moment – in one single moment of self honesty I am able to see what I am doing and what the starting point of it actually is.
I will continue with self forgiveness and self corrective statements in the next blog.