Day 389: Getting a reaction out of people

So today I noticed in a moment my tendency to try to get a reaction out of people, in terms of the way that I present things: information, events/stories, myself – something that I have noticed many times before.

This is a way that I have typically got things done in my life. In terms of surviving and ‘getting ahead in this world, getting noticed and being relevant is often ‘half the battle’ – this is something that I learned from an early age. Our world kind of operates in a ‘first come first serve’ mentality, and ‘the squeaky wheel gets the oil’ kind of mentality, in terms of the person who can do something more quickly or do it more forcefully is often recognized and chosen to be part of the ‘in group’. I noticed this too in my tendency to get things don’t through aggression, through sheer force. Even if this is not happening in terms of force as physical violence, it is being done in words. Words really can be like form of metaphysical weapons – daggers, swords, axes, guns, machine guns, missiles, grenades, bombs – I mean after all, the invention/manifestation of these weapons didn’t exactly come out of nowhere – the have come as a reflection/result of who we are.

So through words I am able to do these things – taking a little verbal jab at someone is like a stab with a dagger, being rude and blunt is like a virtual punch in the face, saying something that has some deep truth in it about a person that you know is going to hurt them deep down inside is like dropping a bomb – I mean we have that verbal expression when we do something like that verbally – ‘I just dropped a bomb’ – the bomb falling with the gravity of the words beings spoken. Speaking with intensity and emotional sway through intensity is like shooting someone with a laser gun. Rattling off as much information and knowledge so that one can be opinionated and right and look intelligent and intellectual is like the countless bullets being shot from a Gatling gun. Sensationalizing something or a story or someone is like putting a grenade inside of it, where it blows up into this thing that is a big deal that is somehow larger than life. Being standoffish and adversarial with people is like covering yourself in spikes or spines – we call that being ‘prickly’.

When I am making something out to be more than it is I am not only deceiving, but I am causing that harm through my words. I am actually attacking people with words and information. Rather than gently walking with a person, I am bombarding them with something that will hopefully get a reaction out of them. The secret in this tactic is that they will associate such a reaction with me, the person, and as such, associate the fear that they experience through a reaction to such harmful words with me – that is another thing I learned since a young age, being ‘respected’ as a form of fear, people respecting you only because they fear you. Using intimidation to control and move people/my reality.

Obviously this has to stop through moments where I identify this pattern, where I am shit talking with verbal weapons, by sensationalizing things, the same exact way that we sensationalize and glorify war. It is seen as a good things because it causes a commotion, it makes people go ‘holy shit’ and as long as they don’t quite have to see the reality of the harm that is actually being caused, as long as they don’t realize the true nature of what is going on and are rather caught up in their enthrallment to the experience that goes along with the sensationalism, it is allowed. When there is a car accident or a fight – people gather around and the crowd watches. For many it provides this experience of entertainment and while they are busy lost in that sensation of entertainment, they remain completely cut off from the reality of what is really going on, the actual pain that those combatants are actually enduring and the harm that they are causing as bystanders perpetuating it.

Gossip is a fantastic example of these verbal weapon attacks that we don’t see as verbal weapon attacks, until of course we are on the other end of it where we are the butt of the gossip and the joke is on us. Same thing with sports and violent sports (really virtually all sports have become violent in their nature) – you are always enjoying it as long as you’re not on the losing side/team. Time to stop, because it is only a matter of time until we experience things from the other side.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to connect with people and make an impression on them and have them like me through trying and attempting to get reactions out of them by the words I speak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sensationalize events purely because I am looking to get a reaction out of people

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way that I am able to connect with people is to get a reaction out of them and get noticed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can make a life by creating reactions in people to get attention from them as a form of verbal violence, rather than to simply walk with beings in equality and show them who I really am and in turn embrace who they really are

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be myself with others no matter where I am or what I am doing and instead pressured myself into trying to get reactions out of them and try to get noticed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘drop bombs’ verbally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to operate within the belief that ‘the squeaky wheel gets the oil’ and ‘the first one to do it/say it wins’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to get things done and move people through generating fear within them as a form of intimidation

I commit myself to stop the tendency to try and get a reaction out of people through making something out to be more than it is and generating reactions/fear within people as a way of getting noticed or directing/moving others

I commit myself to ‘connect’ with people by walking with them here as breath in self honesty, rather than trying to appeal to them at the level of ego/mind as fear/stimulation

I commit myself to stop trying to get reactions of positivity out of people by sensationalizing things in my words as a way of getting what I want/directing them/getting noticed

I commit myself to simply be myself with others and breathe when the desire comes up to be outspoken and find ways to get noticed such as speaking in a way to try and get a reaction out of people

I commit myself to take a more real and genuine interest in people, here as breath in the physical reality, and in this way work with them in terms of ‘where they are at’ rather than trying to impose words/information on them – within this I commit myself to work within the principle of simplicity and humbleness, asking simple questions or speaking in simple fact in order to walk with people sufficiently to understand them and direct them as myself

Day 388: Sacrificing desire

Today I had a really nice day at the beach. Very simple, hardly any of the regular stimulation I am used to, just me, a couple other people, sand and water. I promised myself that I would get some work done today still, knowing I would be busy at the beach most of the day and wouldn’t have much time to do work/research/writing at home. I did this because I have become aware of that tendency to ‘keep a good thing going’ – meaning, to get addicted to pleasant experiences and simply keep those nice experiences/feelings/energies going for as long as possible.

When I got home, I started doing a bit of research. I was looking at one video in particular about Brazilian street children who are addicted to drugs and work as prostitutes. Really disheartening stuff and I could feel an emotional movement of sadness within myself, like wanting to cry. It is the kind of thing that can really make one question their own good fortune.

So this experience has actually been rather supportive in that it does bring me back down to earth and assist me to get my priorities straight. It has come at an especially good time in terms of supporting me with my decision making as I am at a bit of a crossroads point now in terms of deciding what I want to do with my life, where I want to live etc.

It shows me the importance of not basing any life decisions on desires and self interest. I know what has to be done in this world, and I even know how to do it, and this should be my ultimate priority, my only priority that trumps all other things. If personal sacrifices are needed even in order to do this, there should be no question. If it just so happens that I can live a nice life while doing what I need to do, like living in a nice place, that’s fine, but it really shouldn’t be an influential point. This is not to promote altruism – I give myself everything I need, and I have everything I really need, so as this point is taken care of, there is nothing really left to do but to take on my personal responsibilities to life.

Separating between want and need may be a process because frankly there are a lot of things that I don’t need that I preoccupy myself with. I have already identified in recent blogs to not just stop those habits of want/desire, but to actually install new habits/activities that are based in the common sense realization of what needs to be done in this world. Often wants and desires are justified as ‘but I need this because I will feel better and then I will feel good enough to take on my responsibilities. The fact is, I will know when my application of responsibilities has become ‘too much’ or too stressful and I need a break, and if I don’t another may point it out to me, or perhaps the body through it breaking down lol. The point is, this is what truly matters.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to separate between want/desire and what needs to be done in this world as my responsibility to life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to what really matters as my responsibility as the utmost and highest priority: education, and making a difference in this world with education

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base major life decisions on fears and desires instead of basing them on what really needs to be done in this world as my self responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to replace wants and desires with practical common-sensical activities that will support me and are conducive to my goals as my self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up and sacrifice desires of self interest in order to do the work that really matters

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify selfish wants and desires within the belief of ‘I need this to feel better sufficiently enough to do my responsibilities/work

I commit myself to base major life decisions – as well as decisions here in the moment – on what really needs to be done in this world, in seeing how it would be most practical/best to accomplish such goals

I commit myself to distinguish between want and desire

I commit myself to stick to my goals/principles of education – that I can change the world through education and that I must find a way to support myself and others in educating ourselves

I commit myself to replace activities of want/desire with activities that support me in achieving my goals, within the common sense and practicality of what I need to do and how exactly I will direct myself to achieve such goals

I commit myself to make whatever sacrifices necessary, including giving up desires and preferences, to achieve my goals with education and change the world

Day 387: Social anxiety

In past blogs I had written about how anxiety is the most prominent point in my life in terms of how I experience myself. Being on vacation and out of my usual element has been quite a cool experience in terms of giving me a different perspective, to see things I wouldn’t normally see or consider.

Now first I should say that my experience of being on vacation has been amazing. Obviously the opportunity to have more time to work on myself and do things like writing and learning is a part of that. Having the break from daily responsibilities like school and work has also been nice, not that I cannot enjoy those things, but there does tend to be stress attached to how I experience those things, so it is a break from that experience of stress. But what I noticed today through talking the point out is what tremendous anxiety I have in dealing with other people.

It kind of hit me because I didn’t necessarily see this as directly before. The point came through because I have been enjoying the experience so much that it is like I don’t want to leave, so I started getting into discussions today about what I really want. Looking at different living situations, possibilities of living in different places or doing different things with my life. I started to see that there are a lot of places that have ‘opportunity’, and this includes my home environment too (despite those terrible winters lol). So what I realized through this is that part of what I was enjoying so much about not being in my home environment is the escape from every day social anxieties – a relief from ‘playing the game’ socially, where I play a particular character that I have designed meticulously through years of life experience, in looking for ways to survive and cope with this world and it’s pressures.

What is fascinating is that I’m not necessarily bad at playing the game – on the contrary it is playing the game well, or playing it at all, for that matter, that causes the anxiety. The extra problem that comes with playing it well is that you actually create a positive association with that character that you play, the effect you have in your world from doing it, and the feeling you get from doing it and being successful with it. Like fake love in a relationship – the love was created through false pretenses, fake characters, and so an anxiety is created: the fear of loss.

Once you enter the game at all, there is a fear of loss that is naturally created because you’re playing a game! Games operate on the principle of wins and losses. The problem is the fact that I have convinced myself that I need to play this game, and depended on it so extensively that it is often a fearful thought to stop it, like ‘what will I do next?’. A challenge arises where you can no longer just play a character and stick to things you already know and have done before – you have to actually direct yourself here in the physical. When that anxiety comes up where I feel I need to be or act a certain way, I have to rather stop, breathe, and overcome that feeling like I need to behave that way sufficiently enough to let my actual expression come through. I mean, just the simplistic point of putting on a nice front, speaking in a pleasant tone of voice, or happily going along with whatever a person is saying and showing more interest than I might naturally show just to make them feel good and accepted, is an example. Do you really have to show the fact that you’re interested? No, it is a form of stroking someone’s ego to validate them in hopes that I will benefit in return through that person then holding me in high regard for validating them.

So it is simple things like this. The other side of it is that I tend to give into my reactions of actually resisting the person, and be too dismissive, rather than validating – the polar opposite. If I am having any reactions to a person, any fears, then it is like I will either cover it up with the positive validation or if I feel I don’t need to, get them to fuck off by showing the disinterest and disregard.

So tomorrow I have some plans to socialize. It will be a great opportunity to see who I am within these social interactions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others and not take interest/take on others because I in fact fear them somehow – either that they will somehow not benefit me or harm me – and within this, go into positivity and try and please them in hopes that they will hold me in positive regard

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be nice and positive and smile with other people while I am really just waiting for them to finish speaking and leave me be, within the point of fearing them and not taking an interest in them due to that fear

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to embrace people as myself and take an interest in them through establishing a point of equality between us and within myself through stopping the fear of others harming me

I commit myself to stop my fear of other people harming me either through their thoughts and judgments or physically

I commit myself to stop putting on a positive front/veneer with people and to validate them or take more of an interest than I actually have, just because I fear being hurt or loss

I commit myself to establish a point of equality within myself through stopping the fear of others with breath, and through this, establish a point of equality with others where I am not limited to act in a certain way that is dictated by my fears within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 386: Devotion

So it has been an interesting experience being on vacation thus far. Yesterday I had kind of a ‘fall’ in that I did not manage to write much at the end of the day, and my writing was sort of aimless and unfocused, I was unfocused. Because of this I didn’t end up posting a blog either, so overall I was disappointed with myself. However, what is interesting is that normally if I do not am not writing, it is because I had a big fall, like I smoked weed again or gave into some sexual fantasy or masturbation again – the only other reason I might not write is because I am genuinely too busy with daily responsibilities, which actually doesn’t occur very often.

Yesterday, it was really just an accumulation of ‘little things’ – allowing myself to eat junk food, allowing myself to participate in entertainment that I know is just to stimulate me rather than to benefit me, participating in conversations with girls just to stimulate and excite me, and getting into some music from a starting point of looking for another stimulation-energy high experience. As I have noted before with a fall, ‘one thing led to another’ and by the end of the night I really could not focus on any particular point I’d like to write on, let alone deal with it. The bit that I did write was mostly just emotional crap, kind of writing out some ranting and raving but I still did not manage to get a grip on that sufficiently to work on it, and at this point in the night, I had delayed so much by being preoccupied with energetic addictions that it was too late, I ran out of time. So one thing I know from this is that my tendency to overblow things and make a big deal about things and wallow in emotions is due to what I allow, and how I make myself powerless to deal with things by allowing myself to be consumed by desires, allowing my living to be consumed by desires.

It has been very nice being on vacation, it is a different experience from the usual, the nice weather, have a break from the normal routines, but it has almost been ‘too good’, in terms of disrupting any normal patterns/structure and kind of just giving me a whole day of nothing to do. I have always found it difficult to discipline myself, especially when it is optional and I could always just say no.

Today I did manage to focus on my DIP work some more, but man, it was not easy to get through it. I kept distracting myself constantly with facebook and youtube entertainment. Those sites can be amazing tools but it can also just be so easy to get lost in curiosities that are based in the desire for an energetic experience.

Life isn’t always going to be consistent and I’m not always going to have a structure made for me to support me, and this is not to mention that I shouldn’t necessarily need one, I should be able to stand on my own two feet one eventually. Things change and the challenge is of course to remain consistent within it, and it does go beyond specific schedules and activities – it is rather about principles, and being committed and devoted to them.

So tonight I actually looked at the word devotion. In the dictionary, the first definition of devotion is pertaining to being devoted to someone in the context of love. For me, this would represent more the energetic addiction side of devotion, because one can be of course be devoted to something that does not necessarily enable them but rather weakens them and makes them more dependent. The second definition is “commitment to some purpose” and this is the one that I am going to have to learn to live and apply. Throughout all I do, wherever I go, whatever I may face – I must stay devoted, committed to my purpose. So what is that exactly? I will define it:

Committed to support myself through effective, focused writing. Educating myself about myself and this world. Taking care of work responsibilities to make sure that I am directing money as it is required to be directed. Supporting others through my participation within the Desteni group and doing any tasks or activities that are to be done as a part of that. Sometimes it is something as simple as getting through all of the e-mails I get in a day or keeping up to date. But because of these distractions, following the first kind of devotion, the devotion to addiction to energy, my priorities, focus and information processing have not been sufficient enough to keep up and do as much as I would like to, or even push that point, to do even more than what I am currently expecting of myself.

The only thing that ever seems to stop me is my own fear of loss. Woah – just had a eureka moment, a moment of realization. In the past, when I had experiences where I really worked and pushed myself to stop those things I fear to lose, to give up the first kind of devotion and cut all of those useless habits/patterns/addictions out of my life, I would have no idea what to do with myself – it was like an experience of being lost in some big hollow void. A memory actually came up from a few years ago of that experience, standing in my house when I had stopped myself and not gone into a pattern that I normally would always gone into as it was a huge point in my life, having almost an experience of disbelief, but then having no idea what to do with myself next.

So here I can really see the value of ‘replacement’ so to speak – to replace the first form of devotion with the second. To not just stop one thing but stop it with a purpose, where I go into a point of responsibility, an act of necessity, and I go fully into it. No facebook breaks lol. So far I have managed to get through writing with this blog without one.

Like all things, this takes time and is a point of accumulation, the more I apply myself and do not give in to those desires, the more I focus myself on “what am I going to get done, what is the point of responsibility that is to be lived as part of my devoted efforts?” then the more than will naturalize. The impossible – giving up energetic habits/patterns addictions – will begin to get easier and lose appeal. I know this is possible because I have done it, stopped things that I really thought impossible to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devoted primarily to energetic habits/patterns addictions, where my main focus every day is doing things that will give me an energetic experience such as flirting with girls, watching entertainment like sports or fantasy stuff, eating food just because it tastes good, not listening to music just for an energetic experience. These are all points that can be redefined, but participation from the starting point of energetic addiction must stop first before that can happen.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be devoted to my own personal process, and my efforts with work/education, and my efforts in Desteni/activism

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on 1 task at a time in self movement as breath, and instead allowed myself to become unfocused and distracted by several things as they each come up and appeal to my desire for an energetic experience, pulling me in several directions and leaving me unfocused

I commit myself to focus on 1 task at a time – to stop, breathe, ask myself what is required to be done out loud or in writing, identify the point, and then go forward with it

I commit myself to focus on tasks that are conducive to the things I am devoted to: my personal process, my work in education, and my efforts with desteni/activism, and to implement these points as a way to support myself in stopping with patterns of energetic addiction

I commit myself to stop points of energetic addiction such as flirting with girls, watching entertainment like sports or fantasy, junk food, listening to certain music for a high experience, by breathing when and as these desires/opportunities come up, so that I create the opportunity for myself to direct myself. If I find it particularly difficult to give up any particular patterns, I commit myself to write about them specifically and go into the point, and to continue participating in actions that will support me to create a new way to ‘replace’ such patterns.

Day 385: Real change through DIP

A couple of posts ago I mentioned the point of not over-exaggerating my problems, not making anything more out of them than what they are, not dwelling on them and becoming dramatic and wallowing in my own inability to do something to change these problems.

Indeed, when I look inside myself – it’s a bit of a mess lol – although I have made some progress, I have plenty of work to do, and so given the scale and scope of the mess and the work I need to do to change it, I am really going to have to work well, hard, in a way that I may not normally be used to doing.

I noticed today that the times in my process where I was making the most progress was when I was applying myself doing my DIP lessons. I was also fortunate that I had a secure job and steady living wage. When I had moved back to Canada, I took on a whole new challenge, gave up the job and living wage and my application in DIP became very sparse and infrequent. I could get into that whole experience but basically, shit happened and I did not give DIP the regular focus and attention that I needed to. I had been stuck in all kinds of shit, conflict, drama, desire, addiction, that it would often take a lot to even get to the point of being able to work on DIP.

When I was working on DIP back in Asia on a regular basis – it was challenging, very challenging, in terms of all the resistance that I faced to doing it. I mean I would be standing there in my home with free time allocated to doing my work, and it was like I couldn’t get past the door to my study room and just sit down and focus and work. So any potential distractions, if I allowed it, and this is kind of the same story now – there is always a distraction when you need one.

But looking back, even with all that challenge, I really did make real significant progress that is invaluable to where I am at today. It affected real self change through simply sticking to the course work. There is actually not necessarily anything difficult about the course work per say, which is quite silly when considering my resistance to doing it. The only resistance is in doing something new, processing new info, getting out of my ‘comfort zone’, being silent, doing work that I have no positive energetic association with and get no excitement/feeling from, it is the fear of delving into the unknown without being ‘equipped’ with preconceived ideas.

So from this experience I can know one thing: consistent application in DIP works. It is just a matter of establishing that consistent application every day. Fortunately, I was able to develop that as a skill through my University experience – not to say that I still don’t have resistances and difficulties at time, but like anything, the more you do it, the easier and more natural is becomes. And of course with all the complaining I did about studying pointless subjects in University, I should be thrilled to be able to apply that same level of discipline to something that supported me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ensure that I work on my DIP lessons everyday consistently, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that constant, steady application will amount to real self change

I commit myself to work on DIP daily, even if only for a short time everyday but preferably for a substantial amount of time, as I see, realize and understand that through applying myself in my DIP lessons daily, I will in fact change over time – thus I commit myself to apply myself daily and make a habit out of it until it actually becomes natural and fun because it is natural and have allowed myself to learn to enjoy the process and truly walk it

Day 384: Want or need? Excitement or fulfillment?

Tonight, I noticed an interesting thing. To give a bit of context, some people learn the magic of influencing people through telling them what they want to know and for myself I have used this point with women as I’m sure many guys have. However today when I was basically presented with the opportunity to deceive a woman by telling her what she wanted to hear – or rather, what I wanted her to hear – I refrained, I couldn’t do it, it simply wasn’t something I could accept – and another point emerged where I could then support the woman.

I experienced a lot more fulfillment than I would have gotten from deceiving and telling this person what she might have been looking for. The difference would be like the difference between the quick high you get with eating McDonalds food, which is like a very stimulating rush that ends with a come-down, and eating a well cooked, well prepared meal with quality ingredients that will actually nourish the body in providing what is optimal for the body.

But another dimension has come up today that relates to this point, which is the tendency to be the ‘father figure’. I will refer to it as that, but it is basically the desire to be like the all-knowing fatherly figure who always helps and provides everything and is never questioned and is loved and revered because he is always good, helpful and right – righteous. It is fascinating how it seems like at every turn, the mind has taken everything that could be of real, wholesome value and twisted it into a self-interested pursuit, like when we define this world a better place gets this added value of ‘doing something good’ and that is a point that can really fuck with you.

It is the point of giving just to get, really. I actually noticed this today in my relationship with a family member – the tendency to give them what it is that they may feel/believe they want, rather than what they actually need and require. So, as above as below, as within so without – how I treat others is a reflection of what I am giving to myself – things I believe I need, that I feel I desire and want, but that I do not in fact require, don’t actually support me and give me what I need to hear.

There are a ton of things that I want in life. Then there are the things I actually need and require. The wants give me the fleeting happiness feeling akin to the McDonalds analogy or having sugar – the needs actually make me a better person, leave me not wanting for anything, less selfish, able to take on more responsibility and do more to make this world a better place. So it is time to start having a real look at the wants and the needs.

I still get this experience of not knowing where to start, because I could just stop it all cold turkey – but I would get so frustrated in the past when I would make such a stand and then I would fail/fall, like I could never stick to anything no matter how hard I tried or how good it went, eventually I would fall again to the desire. I tend to polarize myself by putting unreal expectations of just stopping cold turkey, and then if it doesn’t go perfectly, going to the other extreme of doing things full out and more focus on working to understand them so that the desire stops, but it doesn’t have to go this way.

And here I find myself back at the point of realizing I need to start using a schedule to actually discipline myself. I have come to this point so many times and not succeeded yet, still only tending to schedule things in definitely if it is a matter of survival or desire, which are two sides of the same coin anyways. But if I simply persist then I know that I can triumph and persevere no through anything no matter how many times I fall/fail, because I know I will not give up.

So, tomorrow is a new day. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist utilizing a schedule to organize a day of practical self honest living as here I actually have an opportunity to support myself. I commit myself to outline a schedule tomorrow and use the free time I have to work on implementing/following my schedule.

Day 383: Recollecting my mind

So I haven’t written in about 10 days, which is not cool, because I have not been supporting myself – on the contrary I have been deliberately screwing around a lot – once I get caught in the habit and the ball gets rolling, it is easy to get stuck in a cycle of no self movement. Even though it just takes one solid day of no fucking around to change my life for the better, it seems so impossible when I’m so knee deep in shit. And it is shit. The mind of past lives/memories is shit. So anyways, great to have this opportunity to break out of routine and have a good reason to do something different – having no choice really helps because then it is a slam-dunk. Still, I have to work on the points that brought me to this point in the first place.

Now I have even more shit to work on but I am glad I will have the time and no real distractions that I can use as excuses/justifications. What I would like to do is allow myself the time, space and breath to simply write and truly investigate myself – ask questions.

I don’t know where things are going with the relationships. Almost every girl with a pretty face who ‘fits the mold’, I wanna have sex with and be with, but I know that is so not practical, but really if I am with any girl, this is a challenge, not needing sex – and therefore, not needing the girl, for that matter! After all, I have noticed before how the search/desire for another always begins with the abandonment of self. I can’t say much more in depth other than something about how we abandon ourselves by participating in the mind and defining ourselves according to it – so all the success I want, for instance, and who I have defined myself within this success point, is all a part of that. So much of my success (as it is preprogrammed) is within this male personality design that I’ve constructed, utilizing those points of self definition.

It never makes any sense when I play it all out practically. I mean the women I want to have sex with and the women I just want to be around are totally different. The women that I want to have sex with are useless to be around for the most part. The women who are easy to be around I don’t want to have sex with apparently.

Do I really enjoy attention from attractive women that much? Why do I rely on attention from them? It seems to give me a reason to live, I really noticed that today – how incredibly motivated I can be when it comes to women, if only I had that same tenacity for things that actually mattered in life. I seem to like being the archetypal ‘male leader’ leading the female in the relationship, having her need me and depend on me, because I do also ask; what is she getting out of this? I mean, she must enjoy the attention from me the same way I do from her. For me it is like I have a reason to move myself, and I can even justify it as taking care of another, but really it is just fearing for my own survival and looking out for my own want.

So why do I believe that a beautiful woman is what I want and need? They are high status in society, and I did grow up dependent on a woman whose profession was beauty.

But here, practically, what is it I am experiencing? Or do I know already? I have asked the question many times of what is it that I am missing, and right now, it doesn’t feel like I’m missing anything, except maybe a full on effort to change habits forcibly for an extended period of time. But I have tried this and it always ends up being suppressed – actually I was encouraged by my DIP buddy to go out there and explore sexuality. I do see the value in this because this is of course a process, and I do see myself understanding more and opening things up more as I walk and talk this process practically. I can see now in writing this is that the resistance I have is because I want to make everything in my relationship life work now – revenge of survival mode. I am afraid of losing a proper relationship, so it is fear of loss – although I sometimes fool myself with justifications like ‘I fear hurting the other person.’

So this is the lesson for tonight, to not make too much of a big deal of things and to simply investigate – but in the time, write – no quick fixes or attempts to figure it all out in an instant. I’m overdue for sleep, that is all for tonight.