Day 460: Relationship pattern, part 1

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So I have written blogs recently to support me through some of the recent emotional turmoil that I have experienced due to a relationship wherein I allowed myself to create all kinds of ideas/fantasies/dreams, and thus false hopes/expectations for the future. I created these fantasies and expectations and then when reality did not meet my expectations, and turned out to be much further away from what I had wanted/hoped for/expected, I basically ‘got burned’ and went through a very difficult time emotionally.

Much of what made me angry/sad/resentful was seeing myself in the other person, and blaming. I have had a tendency of taking for granted relationship partner’s as one’s that I can abuse because apparently our closeness and intimacy justifies that. This is one of many mistakes I made where I did not treat my partner as just another human, but rather made them a ‘special one’ and as such expected them to be special, to be a perfect person, like my ‘dream partner’. I could have treated my partner like any other person, and instead of becoming lost in reactions towards her behavior because I feared losing her/my dream, I could have taken those points that I reacted to ‘back to self’ and learned from them. Because I had based it on fear of loss, I really fucked myself. That is not a real starting point to live by.

This fear of loss can always be justified – there are so many fears attached to relationships, related to survival and money, where I begin to depend on my relationship as part of defining who I am and how I will be successful in this world. This is where looks and ‘beauty’ become very relevant for me as a man, where every man wants the ‘beautiful girl’ as it is apparently a reflection of our success and status in this world. It is an ego boost to ‘have access to’ the beautiful girl, the ‘hot commodity’ that everyone wishes they could have – like gold – a metal that is actually useless in its real practical value yet everybody desires because we have given it some artificial value that is linked to success.

But within this insane drive for survival, relationships become a means to an end, and the more I lose myself in this fearful pursuit of survival and ‘perfect fantasy life’ that I have created within this fear, the more I lose touch with reality. Sex becomes a mental experiences where there is so much energy generated around having the ‘prized beautiful woman’ and thus sex as an energetic experience ends up becoming this total addiction.

I hate who I become within this experience, jealous, controlling, possessive, obsessive. Within the fear of loss we struggle to find some form of certainty, but in this world there are very, very few real certainties, when it comes to what the human believes it wants/what would be ideal.

I hated things about my partner like dishonesty, where my partner would fear me judging her and resort to dishonesty, and yet I did the same thing. I felt like my partner did not give me the time and attention I deserved and neglected me, and yet I neglected myself extensively throughout the relationship. I hated my partners desire to escape this reality with alcohol and other pointless entertainment, yet my escape was weed and I had my own forms of entertainment. I would judge her escapes as inferior to mine, because I did not share the same interests, but it is really the same shit. I hated that it was possible for myself partner to be interested in other men, yet it was always so easy for me to be interested/curious about other women. I hated her tendency to be vain and want to be liked by others for her picture presentation, yet this desire also exists within me to some capacity or another.

I was not ready to embrace and accept my partner in the same way that I wanted her to embrace and accept me. I allowed myself to focus on my own hopes, wants, desires and dreams that were based in fear of loss, and so the image of my partner, and the energy that this image represented as my hopes/dreams/fantasies/fears became all that mattered, I made the mistake of turning her into an object of desire, allowing myself to exist in lust and desire, completely missing the real person, and the depth of the dimensions of this complex human being, and instead reducing her to an image that fit into a fantasy of mine. Then I would make the mistake of feeling that the same was done unto me. And perhaps it was. But the point is that I cannot support others within this point when I am also lost within it.

It was in a way easy to fit my partner into the criteria of the ‘dream partner’ that I had idealized, that is part of an image of success, as adopted from my society. She is of course a woman lol, she is young, she is different and one could say ‘exotic’ as she is a foreigner from another country so there is this extra sense of ‘mystery’ about her which contributes to this point of fantasy. Her looks and body fit a certain criteria of what i have defined as ‘beautiful’ and ‘sexy’. She is ‘feminine’ which feeds my ego as the self definition of me being ‘masculine’, so here, liking each other for our perceived definitions/perceptions of each other and thus bolstering our own definitions/perceptions of ourselves. Everything playing into the illusion of who we believe ourselves to be as characters, blinding ourselves from and losing touch with who we are as life, becoming lost in the illusion of fear of who and what we really are as life.

No matter what changes and what happens, what ultimately matters is that I am self honest and thus genuine in how I am in relation to others, in how I coexist with others. Within this, there will be no guarantees of good feelings or money or other perceived rewards, but it means that I stood for what mattered and within this, changed who I am and supported others to change as well and treat each other with the dignity, regard, respect and love that we as human beings ought to treat ourselves and others with unconditionally.

This is a big world. We are interacting with beings all the time and as part of life, we should have a diverse range of beings that we interact and participate with, both directly and indirectly. Life is much ‘bigger than’ just obsessing over one person and who we are in relation to this one person, and I have had a habit of limiting myself to relationships for far too long, obsessing over them over potential partners and always looking for that ‘one person’ who would take me away from reality, from actually living full, living to my full potential.

The pattern is always the same: find someone who fits a criteria according to society and thus has ‘value’ due to their physical appearance, then form the relationship which is based on a kind of ownership where we are exclusive to each other and not associate with members of the opposite sex, and hold onto this relationship and control each other and monitor each other in fear of losing this relationship, all the meanwhile, having lots of sex to generate energy and good feelings, giving us some semblance of intimacy and positivity. It is not only sex, there is also romance and talk and basically treating each other in a way where we are like each others dreams, being extra nice and pleasant and charming and creating all of these fake ‘nice experiences’ where we show each other the best of each other to further create the feeling that ‘this is the one’ and this is great and thus this is the person/relationship that I can use to escape reality and not actually focus on ME and WHO I AM and prevent me from actually living without fear, preventing me from living to my full potential.

 

To be continued in the next blog.

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Day 459: Reality as the context of self-change


As I sit here alone with myself, it is like I just want to escape myself – resistance – suddenly I feel my body as tired, I want to visit with people, I want to eat snacks or smoke weed – anything to escape myself, to not have to look at myself and work with myself.

There are so many ‘beautiful’ women here where I live, so many opportunities to create the love experience, every day, it is almost non-stop, like being a drug addict with an unlimited supply of drugs but I feel so tired and bored of it.

Man, I fear letting go, just telling every woman that I’m not interested because the interest is based on what? Looks always, and the desire to have someone to give them some kind of an experience – when this is the starting point, how can anything else be created? Anything else that is created will be seen as the enemy and rejected. So I feel like I am done with these kind of relationships but then I have to be really strict with myself to stop. I spend so much time focusing on the women in my life and it really takes away from so much more that I could be doing. There is so much that I am missing. There are so many that require support, and virtually no one is working on their behalf to change the world. I could be doing so much more, I could be working more, working tirelessly to just focus on sorting myself out and also sorting this world out, becoming involved in BIG, in having an influence in people’s lives. I could give up the fear that the desire for ‘good relationships’ is holding me back from so I could really become a force that moves people in this world. It is so important to remember the context of the reality that I find myself in – because while giving up seems difficult, I am really sacrificing such small and petty interests to make such a larger difference in the world through the ripple effect that I would have.

I felt ‘disturbed’ today by what I was seeing in others, being so caught up in issues that are really ‘non issues’ and I felt like ‘how can these people not see the simplicity of what is going on in this world and that we have to push ourselves to give up such petty and over-complicated personal bullshit to really just focus on the simplicity of the fact that there is so much suffering and that we have to do everything possible to stop this – ?’

We think that the petty dramas that we preoccupy and entertain ourselves with are worth living for, and we think that the ‘nice feelings’ that we generate to escape such dramas, and the harshness of reality are also worth living for – they are not. Most of us will realize this when it is too late, when we are staring death in the face only will most of us realize that our lives were lived in vain, that virtually none of what we focused on/preoccupied ourselves with was worth anything, and that the energy that we allowed ourselves to be consumed by because it was just so intoxicating and felt so real, was worth nothing in the end, it just ends, and none of it can be ‘taken with us’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the context within which I am giving up my self interest as personal habits that generate energy and keep me entertained and preoccupied, which is the context of the reality of the fact that billions are suffering extensively and that I am also part of this suffering and that if I do not act now and change and do something about this, it will be a rude awakening as I see that my life was worth nothing as I join the suffering and lose all that I gave value to falsely – and that if I allow myself to recognize this context it will support me sufficiently to wake up from the intoxication of energy as the illusion of living/life as I see that what I am giving up is in fact nothing of any real value and not difficult to give up at all in fact if I recognize/live within this contextual understanding that the suffering of billions ‘far outweighs’ my own petty desires for energy, and that this desire/seeing out of energetic experiences only worsens the inevitable reality that will have to be faced when I run out of chances to escape from this reality through feeding the mind energy as eventually the mind always dies and ceases to exist anyways

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the energy of the mind always runs out at death and is worth nothing of real value as it is not constant and cannot be taken with me at death and can contribute in no way to life and a better life for all beings on earth

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire to distract myself with many points of distraction as entertainment such as pro sports or beautiful women or trash tv shows or youtube clips or pointless gossip or having relationships or partying with friends or smoking weed or any other experience that is of an energetic nature which is only designed to create more fear and friction within me but with the intent that the fear a friction is so great that I will lose myself within it and thus my reality will somehow go away and solve itself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into believing that participating in energy can have any positive consequence in any way as participating in energy only generates more fear and friction which is the same energy that perpetuates this dysfunctional reality and blinds me from this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand consistent within principle – that is the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all life in recognizing what is here and that there is work to be done within the context of the space time reality we currently find ourselves within, no matter how undesirable or ugly or unpleasant it may be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the desire for happiness get in the way of standing up for life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown and fear what I will become if I let go of my pointless distractions as source of energy to feed my addiction to energy that blinds me from reality, and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to breathe through such moments where I stop until the mind ceases to go through withdrawal to see that I am in act still here and can expand only through walking through such points of stopping participating in energy addictions and walking through the withdrawal thereof

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive energy withdrawal as ‘difficult’ when in fact it is only the mind that makes it difficult when breath is still in fact here and is the cure to alleviate the perceived difficulty of going through energy withdrawal

I commit myself to push myself in disciplining myself to focus on what is here as the actual reality of what requires attention/sorting out in this world, whether it be my own mind or that which I experience/see as the minds of others or the manifestations of the minds that exist in this reality, I commit myself to walk moment by moment in stopping past patterns, no matter how difficult it seems, and to support myself with breath/breathing to walk through the perceived difficulty of the mind disengaging energetic addictions

I commit myself to find the time and attention to face what is here as my own mind, as I see, realize and understand that all of the difficulties/problems that we face in this world are a product of the mind and addiction to mind patterns that can be stopped if we take the time to unconditionally and without fear face our own minds as what is here occurring as our thoughts, feelings and emotions, and that if this diligence is applied to facing my own mind, no matter how burdensome or undesirable or unfulfilling it may seem, a point of real love, real value and real respect for life will be established here as me as I will accept nothing more or less than life here and will work actively to stop all that impedes life and exist as the illusory impostor to life that destroy life through our ignorance, acceptance and allowance of it

I commit myself to walk both and outer and inner process of both changing my habits and becoming a new person with new interests that no longer participates in the same habits/desire/thought patterns of the mind, changing both the physical behaviors but also with awareness stopping the mental patterns that exist here within/as the mind using tools such as breathing and writing, and repeating this application until the mind is no more given any power

I commit myself to seek out new ways that I can assist and support in creating a world that is best for all life by stopping all self limitation as the fears and desires that exist as the mind of thoughts feeling and emotions

Day 458: Imagery, vanity, superficiality

Gian’s blog on appearances was very supportive in assisting me to find the words and resolve to write this blog, check it out here if interested:

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2016/04/day-580-image-i-am-age-part-1.html

I have this underlying belief that appearances, and being liked for appearances, is a good thing, an advantage in a world of competition – but this is an ‘asset’ that must be maintained and upheld, which I will always fear losing because it is not real and I will lose it eventually. The more I play on my appearances, the less that I offer anything of actual real value, and the more I diminish myself into simply being an image, a character, a picture.

The images point plays into relationships where people then get an idea about me based on the image. Expectations are then formed which are never fulfilled because I am never in fact equal to the image. The image is seen as a point of perfection/positivity when I am not that perfection/positivity in fact. Getting noticed for appearances then becomes like an addiction that is very difficult to break because I am so used to connecting with people as an image to be upheld.

I fear disconnecting from the image, because then it is like, how will I relate to people? And yet, when one point ends there is a new beginning – and so the only real chance/opportunity that I have to be recognized as something other than an image is to stop recognizing myself as the image, and thus to stop recognizing others as the image, to stop valuing and liking others for the images that they are attempting to present and capitalize on. Through this I am able to stop all of the emotional turmoil that is created as a result of living this way – specifically, I find myself hating others for their vanity, for being obsessed with images and the images they value and the images that they present themselves as in a pitiful attempt to be recognized as having some kind of value and worth in this world. We live in a world that gives very little, if any value to life, and has forsaken life in place of the image.

Life is not an image as the image of life is always changing yet everlasting as life.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to present myself as a positive and acceptable image that will ‘connect with’ the images that exist in the minds of others that are held as positive and desirable by others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to capitalize on the image that I present myself as and that others recognize me as, as a preprogrammed/genetic advantage over others wherein I do not actually have to offer much of real value to others and frankly, do as much work/contribute as much as others because I fit a certain image profile and am given credit for this image profile by others who simply value being connected to this image as the image is falsely valued as being intrinsically worth something as being ‘better than other images’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take for granted the preprogrammed advantages that I have over others by being recognized as a valued image in the eyes of others, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have grown accustomed to this and to fear giving it up and essentially having to live like a normal person where I have to work for what I get/contribute something of real value for what I get, and even to go beyond this and contribute something of value to this world unconditionally, even if I do not get/receive, as I see realize and understand that this is an elitist way of life/living and that I will end up hating myself for living this way just as I have hated other elites for taking advantage and exploiting life simply because it is what they know and is easy for them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand what it is that I am supporting in this world by allowing myself to exist as a ‘positive image’ that is given irrational value and credit, which is also known as vanity/being vain – that I am participating in/supporting an entire world/society that is obsessed with this image and has completely forsaken life in place of this image, where life is overlooked, abused and destroyed in the name of this image and seeking out/attempting to attain this image where the masses compete to be closer to this image that is apparent perfection, while in fact the world burns and suffers because we have lost ourselves and abandoned ourselves in pursuit of this image – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there are people being abused and abusing themselves very badly only because they have been possessed by these images, and that this manifests itself in all kinds of forms of abuse such as rape, neglect, deception, plastic surgery, blind consumerism, prostitution, disingenuous relationships, racism, ageism, financial abuse/power struggles etc etc

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear creating a new way of living/participating in this world/society by not participating in the image game, and that this as a new way of living must actually be explored/’lived into’ the physical world as the only way to stop this fear and actually create a new way of life that is based on valuing life as what is here as the physical

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the participating in the image game supports everything that I hate about this world as abuse and elitism

I forgive myself that I’ve also accepted and allowed myself to constantly be in search of/seeking out images that are given value and worth by others/society/the mind as the representation of apparent wealth and success and within this, that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not value life/miss what is real as life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the valuing of images is always about MONEY and POWER as self interest/greed as the images merely represent/symbolize money/power and that this is why everybody is busy chasing such images and obsessing over such images, because they are simply flocking to where they believe the power/money lies when in fact there is nothing there of real value EVEN IF some money or power is attained for a time as money and power has no real value if it is attained in self interest and not as what is best for all as the recognition that ALL LIFE is of equal value/worth

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see it as a positive experience when I am recognized for/as fitting an image profile that has apparent value/worth and that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is a negative point in fact – not negative of the mind as being ‘bad’ but as simply having no real value or worth and thus has the potential to become negative/destructive if this point is recognized/given value/followed/lived by.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to recognize that every time I am disgusted by the vanity that I observe in this world as the images that others worship and attempt to be recognized as, that this experience is a reflection of myself and where I am disgusted with myself for allowing myself to do the same thing in some way or another, and thus to take this as a lesson to look and see where in my life I am doing the same thing so that I may STOP this behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and perceive that if I stop playing the image game of trying to capitalize on good looks/appearances, I will lose/be left behind/forsaken when in fact the reality is the exact opposite: when I play this game I leave myself/life behind and forsake myself and others as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I give up the image/vanity game of trying to be recognized for an image/looks, that I will have no vale in the eyes of others, and that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that life has value intrinsically and this value must be given to self through a recognition of myself as the value of life and to stand as the value of life here in the physical, supporting life in every way

I commit myself to stop attempting to present myself as a positive image in the minds of others/society

I commit myself to stop recognizing/giving value to the images that others present which are deemed as having value by society as being desirable which is really just based on sex and money as an experience of apparent value/worth as an energetic experience of the mind as the illusory attainment of value

I commit myself to no longer give myself value/worth based on my image/trying to present an image/being recognized by others as an image

When and as I see myself participating in the image game/attempting to be/be recognized as a desirable image or seeking out/desiring/giving value to others based on the images they are presenting – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in this desire to participate in the image game as I see, realize and understand that these images are images of deception and abuse and not images of life, that they do not support life and rather support abuse as the illusion of life and the deception of positivity – thus when and as this desire arises as an experience of a rush of thoughts, feelings and emotions I focus on breathing until the energy passes as I have understanding/faith that the energy will pass as energy is of the mind and always dissipates in time, and will dissipate even faster when I do not participate within it

I commit myself to stop making connections with others based on recognizing/valuing their image as a follower of society, within the understanding of what society values, and to rather stop participating with others/making decisions on how I participate with/treat others based on their image and the value that society/the mind gives to their image

I commit myself to stop judging myself and others for playing the image game and becoming lost by participating in the image game, through no longer playing/participating in this game myself as the only solution to no longer be influenced/directed by this game and set of arbitrary values that abuse life

 

Day 457: Disengaging the relationship mind

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I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and hold on to my desire for sex with a person who I have defined as ‘special’ because they bring me a certain level of energetic satisfaction through symbolism, and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand in practical application in physical reality that such a point takes time to disengage from through specific self directed actions that support self to let go/disengage such as breathing and writing, and that, given the nature of the degree to which I have invested myself in this energetic addiction, it will take time and repeated/consistent application to disengage from this point, but that, like the disengagement of all energetic addictions, this is completely %100 possible if I make it so and that if this is done, I will ultimately be free from the addiction that I sometimes feel/believe is too powerful to overcome, and that through such application I am able to get to a point within myself where the addiction is like ‘nothing to me’ and is viewed completely differently, in such a way where it has absolutely no influence/power/control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into the past and try and attempt to understand and justify the past ‘in my favor’ which is in fact in the favor of maintaining an energetic addiction, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to use my review of the past as thoughts/memories to try and create a future that only the mind believe it wants due to an energetic addiction that was created in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, understand and apply in physical reality that I must be strict with myself in terms of not engaging points of energetic addiction from past relationships, given the nature of the mind and the extent of the energetic addiction, that it is important to be completely strict in terms of ‘cutting off the energy supply’ and engagement points, in thought, word and deed, and that through repeated application of this, I will over time change – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep any backdoors open and to not use the justification/excuse/fear of ‘I don’t want to hurt this person/be harsh’ as a way of keeping my energetic addiction alive as I see, understand and realize that what I am doing is only to support myself and is not personal/ a slight against the other person as a real personal attack/sleight against another person is the attempt to deceive them in being ‘positive’/re-engaging in past habits with them under the guise of love and positivity, to simply keep feeding my energetic addiction

I commit myself to be strict with myself in letting go of all past habits of engaging in energetic addiction with my old relationship partner in thought, word and deed, as I see, realize and understand that given the nature of the mind and the extent of the energetic addiction, it will take time and repeated self directive application to disengage from such points, thus when the desire to re-engage in such behaviors arises as my thoughts, feelings and emotions arises – I stop, I breathe, and I simply do not go there/allow myself to participate in such points of past engagements

I commit myself to be strict with myself in not allowing any backdoors to be open to re-engage in my past relationship or the desire to continue having a relationship, in thought, word and deed, as I see, realize and understand that the nature of the energetic addiction is strong and that the mind only needs a small opening to begin re-engaging in past patterns as thoughts and behaviors, thus, when the desire to open a backdoor/let another through the backdoor arises as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, I simply do not participate, I stop, I breathe and I re-direct myself as breath so as to no longer participate in any past relationship habits/patterns as thoughts and behaviors

I commit myself to prove to myself through self directed application/standing up for myself here as breath by stopping thoughts/desires/behavior patterns, that it is in fact possible to overcome that which I believe is difficult to overcome and it is possible to disengage from that which I believe is difficult to disengage in and that that which I believe to be real and ‘too powerful to overcome’ as an energetic addiction – is in fact nothing, is not real, and that I do in fact have the self directive principle within me to overcome anything through standing up for myself as breath/life

Day 456: Letting go of last ditch efforts

In going through a recent disengagement froma  relationship, I ‘thought’ I was on the right track but allowed myself to get sucked back into it – I say allowed myself, because as much as I have wanted to blame the ex for luring me in, it is really me who allowed this, so I really have to develop my resolve/self directive principle here.

I recently came across this video by Osho which has really supported me on the point of love, marriage, partners, family:

I remember Bernards advice about how to do writing as a self support tool:

question, real, self honest, here

The fact is that I am enthralled by the symbolism of the ex and how it represents sex – when its about sex the girl becomes the ex.

The symbolism is such that it enslaves me to the mind. Because the girl is apparently such a ‘hot item’ that gives me the ego boost when I get access to the girl. Of course it means nothing, just energy for the mind, more enslavement to the past, to ‘selfish’ past habits that are really just based in fear and misunderstanding of life.

There are no answers in ego games. There is no point to speak to ego, to speak as ego.

I have to be able to ‘walk through’ the past. What does that mean? Does it mean to not give into desire? I would think so. Sex has become an addiction and it is like I would like to justify it if I ‘don’t get attached’ – yet there is always an attachment in that I am attached to the particular look that makes me want to have sex. This is the point: to not be fooled by the symbolism. To not go for it just because it feels good.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire to have sex with a girl who I have defined as ‘young and pretty’ because of the apparent ‘value’ that this represents as it is defined by society and given all kinds of added value through hopes/dreams/fantasies/projections. When and as I see this desire arise, I stop, I breathe and I do not participate as I see, realize and understand this is the rush of the mind to keep the energy addiction point alive and the only way to stop it once and for all is to actually not give into the desire, breathe through it, and repeat this over and over again as many times as possible until the point is no more and no such desire exists.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reason staying stuck in the past with beliefs and justifications about love, about how I was apparently good and she was apparently bad, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see through the fantasy that I created for myself that I trapped myself in. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining in this fantasy of love and marriage (as the hidden desire for sex and energy to sustain the mind) through using beliefs as justification of how my desires were apparently noble, well intentioned and had any real practical value when in fact they did not and were merely based in fears of the future as misunderstandings of life. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into blaming another as my partner/ex partner as the reason why things did not work out as I had desired them to and as a subtle way of trying to keep things the way there were or wanted them to be as the desire for sex and energy.

When and as I see myself going into justifications about how my desires/intentions/deeds were apparently noble and had real practical value and that they were not merely for the desire for sex as energy for the mind – I stop, I breathe, I do not participate in these justifications as self righteousness to try and make my desires ‘right’ as I see, realize and understand that this is the way that the mind would like to continue on with its addiction to energy as sex – thus when and as I see this tendency to justify myself/present myself as good and better/be self righteous, I stop, I breathe and I do not participate in this energy but rather direct myself/the situation to move out of the mind and walk a practical solution as the stopping of the mind/desire

When and as I see myself going into points of blame towards another/partner/ex for things not going as the mind would have liked them to as the maintaining of the desire for energy and the act of feeding the mind energy through sex that is based on mind symbolism, I stop, breathe, and do not participate in this desire to blame and use past memories and knowledge to blame, no matter how true the knowledge may appear to be, as I see, realize and understand that this is a very clever way of the mind to use the faults of others to justify ones own fault/desire for energy to feed the mind as sex – thus I do not participate in this desire to blame as it arises in my mind as knowledge about another in thoughts/feelings/emotions