Day 5 – love, relationships and survival

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in love

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created love as an idea

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce love to an idea that is attached to various things in my world which i then define as ‘special’ such as: women, music, nature, feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create love as a feeling that includes only me and that my love is only concerned with how I feel

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will find love in a woman or from a woman or with a woman or through a woman

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that real love can only start with self first and self love

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a woman to experience love which is in fact only a momentary energetic feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love by turning it into an experience wherein I am loveless and require to go out and seek a ‘beautiful woman’ to complete me by making me feel love because i then feel that I have some control, power, safety as someone to look after me and someone to take care if me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined love within the context of survival and survival as associating love with some sense of control and safety

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to have destroyed love and myself by subscribing to love as an idea as a feeling – I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to deceive myself that a feeling is love or that any feelings are real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire love as sex and to have defined love as sex as an energetic feeling to escape and forget why in fact do I seek a love that is illusory

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to define my feelings as ‘bad’ and suppress my feelings within the fear that I will not stop seeking out feelings – I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see feelings for what they are and direct the energy of feelings and rather instead suppressed my feelings out of fear of participating within them

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge and hate love as it currently exists and all proprietors of love as eligible men and women looking for love

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to define a beautiful woman as a woman who others in society as a whole have defined and are able to agree upon that she is ‘beautiful’  forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to love that which I have been told I love and conditioned to believe that I love and is good for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a beautiful woman to survive and be happy and experience love and happiness as feelings which are in fact self deceptive, and fleeting in time because they were never real in the first place – I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek love out of that which I am not as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as a ‘beautiful woman

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that there are beautiful women and ugly women – i forgive myself that i’ve allowed myself to judge others based on what they do and how they look and behave – within the context of survival and fear as morality and separation as defining ‘good people’ and ‘bad people’

I commit myself to myself to stop the self deception and self abuse of love in chasing illusory pictures which i believe will make me happy – I commit myself to expose the deception of love, pictures, relationships, romance – to no longer be controlled and influenced, limited, spiteful deceitful, to no longer live in a lie that serves none in  any way whatsoever. I commit myself to stop chasing pictures as beautiful women which i believe will make me happy and support me, and I commit myself to become self supportive and learn what self love is, means, and how to live a dignified, fulfilled life

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Day 4 – it’s impossible!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the weaknesses and falls and failures of others and as excuse and justification to be able to control and abuse and manipulate others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to transcend my own self created limitations and stop the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without a relationship and love

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without all my old friends and family relationships and the multiple personalities which I take on to participate within them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without fear of money and survival

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without defining myself/believing myself to be special and having others believe that I am special – through drumming or any other skills and abilities that I may possess

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that my possessions in fact possess me when I am using them from the starting point of self interest as the desire to be special within the fear of surviving/fear of death

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to think about believe that it is impossible to live without a program to follow as a daily habit/routine and limit myself to existing within and as daily habits and routines that are not based within the principle of what is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear that I am not able to/will not be able to stop the kind and direct myself in living a happy and fulfilled life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to sleep if I face the mind within my process of self application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting enough sleep, food or money or support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear of not being loved is inevitable when I do not stand and support myself in self love as fear of not being loved is in fact me fearing me as who I am as I am not currently existing as self love and self support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that It is impossible to change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have become is who I really am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make self change impossible through believing that self change is impossible and through this belief, doing nothing and waiting for something to happen or someone to come save me or change me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of self change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not deserve a better life or to be part of a new world because of what I have done in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I must give myself self worth through standing absolute in living in a way that is best for all life and that this is the only way that I am able to find retribution and forgiveness for what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use self pity, shame and regret as excuses to not change myself and take self responsibility as I wallow in self pity and indecision and inability to actualize self change

Day 3 – self limitation and self application

I am sweating and becoming overwhelmed in just sitting down to write – the reaction of seeing how long it has been since I have written. Why have I judged myself so badly for this?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself in my daily self writing

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ or ‘fucking up’ for not doing self writing.

Ok – all I can do is all I can do – what can I do? I can stop the old patterns, the old habits – all the entertainment – facebook, video games, sports, talking to people (looking for friends and a good time) – and just apply myself – self writing, reading – that is all that is necessary in terms of self application – the rest is just living and I do not have to be pre-programmed/pre-ordained all the time. I can stop.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my life to be pre-programmed and pre-ordained for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with the idea of fun and entertainment and enjoyment as a way to fall back into old habit/patterns and not stand and direct myself in creating a new world and a new life that is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment and enjoyment and fun as experiencing an energetic high/feeling/emotion

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to feelings of energy as an accepted way of living and experiencing myself and my world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energy of the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to feed the energy of the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will find fun/enjoyment within the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use others as an excuse to not stand  and direct myself and live as the example as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use the excuse of other people not standing up as a way to justify and excuse myself from not standing up

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that if I do not stand, nothing will ever change and I can certainly never expect others to stand up

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only simply ‘know better’ that I must stop myself and change who I am but never actually applying this knowledge but simply knowing it as a way of using an idea to limit myself – by simply thinking about changing and never actually taking the practical actions necessary to do so

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear walking in silence and humbleness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting an energetic ‘boost’ from my living/experiences/activities

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to escape self responsibility as the act of supporting myself and applying myself in my process through feelings and forms of entertainment as distractions

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use the idea of love and sex as a way to distract myself from living here in the physical reality and living in a way that is actually practically best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear surviving without the mind and believing that I require the mind to survive and function

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop the mind as ego/personalities that I will not know how to deal with others and have difficulties/problems with others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will do or say or think about me if I apply myself within and as my process and no longer participate within energy as personality

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I require personality to exist and live myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that personality is who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that my thoughts and feelings and emotions are real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use the opportunity of thoughts/feelings and emotions to learn about myself as who I have become as the mind through self application of writing and vlogging

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that the mind is who I really am and all that I can ever be

Day 2: Making judgments about others

I noticed a moment ago that when judging others I get a sense of superiority. I feel superior because I have justified myself through knowledge by creating a belief/opinion about them wherein they are in some way depicted in a ‘negative’ way, I find some flaw – whether perceived or real does not even necessarily matter  – and I judge them for it – which then makes me feel superior and special in some twisted fucked up way, because in fact I in some way(s) experience myself as inferior, again through knowledge and information as opinions/beliefs wherein I find a way to justify this self belief.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others as inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as superior in comparison to others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and define others as inferior through knowledge and information as justification as to why I believe them to be inferior and believe myself to be superior

 I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to find flaws in others and use knowledge and information of these flaws to justify judging the other as inferior and myself as superior

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see and realize that judging others as inferior is a way make myself feel superior which is based in self judgment/self belief as inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to compare myself to others

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge others either as good or bad through knowledge and information as justification as beliefs/opinions as to why I have judged them as good or bad

I forgive myself that I’ve not stopped to investigate why it is that I in fact experience myself as inferior – and rather instead go looking for ways in which I can make myself feel/believe myself to be superior