Day 443: Paying the bills

So I had my first bill come in today for car insurance recently. I have never had my own car insurance before so this is a new experience for me. Since this bill came in I have been avoiding opening it. Not to judge myself, but it is obviously really silly, because it is simply a bill, it is just words on paper, and I have no problem affording this bill. And yet, even knowing this, I am to this day resistant to opening this bill.

Part of it is that it’s a new experience but more importantly it is the fact that I have to pay a bill which is something that I see as boring, uninteresting, it gives me no kind of pleasure. If anything, it is a reminder of this system of money and laws that I have found myself in, and that I have more recently in my adult years learned that I am responsible for.

So, at the very least, it is my self-responsibility to take this point on, but there are other dimensions of it: self responsibility can sometimes sound like it’s not fun or a chore or something difficult that we must begrudgingly do but we do not see the benefit of self responsibility. But the truth is that, even though it is not exciting and I have really take a moment to be silent and GIVE my attention to something (and that IS a lot to give, your attention is quite valuable…) – in the long run, I benefit, my cause benefits, and my cause is to benefit, so really, paying bills, or taking on any other obligations for that matter are quite cool as a means to an end. The means may not feel so cool but the end is cool, and that is certain.

This is a short and simple point for today’s blog as I haven’t been taking on too many points recently in writing and so it is a ‘bite sized’ point to start on – to forgive myself for this point, write corrective statements, and then live those corrective statements. It seems so simply to just pay the bill but apparently it isn’t lol – however, doing this one ‘small’ act that I resist will support me in leading to other actions where I might normally resist, but decide to persevere through such resistances.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear paying bills because I fear losing money and as such do not like giving my money to others and because it reminds me of the fact that I am trapped in a world where I must take self-responsibility and face all that this world shows me in order to support the new design of a world that is best for all life which we would all like to experience ourselves within

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on whatever it is that the world ‘throws at me’ – whether it is work to be done, bills to be paid etc. – out of the fear that is created within/of the belief that ‘I can’t do it’ – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and feel as if there is anything in this world that I cannot do or face when in fact those feelings are nothing more than the resonance of past experiences where I struggled and did not know how to navigate my reality and thus felt as if ‘I cannot do it’/’I am incapable’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed such thoughts, feelings and emotions of ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘I am not good enough’ to permeate my mind/body/living expression

I commit myself to face that which enters my world – bills or otherwise – read it, understand it, and then direct it as myself, within/as breath – I commit myself to live the simplicity of what it means to face my reality as simply being here, reading the situation within a breath and acting accordingly to that which I have accepted and allowed myself to take into myself – I commit myself to take all that is here into/as myself so that there is no information/experience/being that I fear to face and cannot stand one and equal to

I commit myself to, as a self support to diffuse any energy of resistance around the bill point, set aside a moment tomorrow, in the moment, (not to think about it and make a big deal about it) simply go for it, read the bill and pay the bill – I commit myself to then continue to move to the next point and not sit back and pat myself on the back for that which I already know I can accomplish

Day 442: Desire: some points to ponder…

A simple point that I’ve realized, but that will take time to fully implement and live as my self-expression, is that I simply cannot allow any desire to exist. I cannot allow desire within myself. There is no need for it and it is destructive. It is always based in fear, lack – never common sense. We trust our desires and we experience them as these strong moments of temptation that can be so intense that it seems impossible to ignore them…and you can’t ignore them actually, that is true….they can only be stopped, and breathing in the moment is one step but so is writing, so that you can actually see objectively why it is that we must breathe, why it is that we cannot accept these desires, why it is that this experience of desire and temptation is not who we are.

Why do we need desire when there is common sense? Why not a simple recognition of what is practical and instead to create yearning for something? If something truly has to be done in life, if there is a need to truly be fulfilled, if there was any expression to be expressed that is truly a self honest expression of who we are as life – why would a desire be needed to participate in those things?

What is the purpose of desire? Do we need to desire to brush our teeth? No, and yet it is common sense that it is a beneficial thing to do. Do we need a feeling of desire to eat food, or do we just need to be hungry? Do we need to desire to have other people in our life or can we recognize our equality so that we may realize that others are already always here? Do we need to desire to do good if we are actually good people?

What is desire but the energy we experience when we have already convinced ourselves that we are not enough?

Is desire merely the illusion of attainment of that which is already here, when, instead, we could have simply realized what is here and corrected our relationships to what is here? When the mind is racing with desire, does this give the illusion that we are moving faster than the time it would actually take to walk a process to sort out our relationships to ourselves, each other and our reality?

In that ‘quick fix’ approach where we don’t actually have to take any real responsibility and fix anything at all, we end up moving ourselves further along towards our own demise. The fear of ourselves and our reality becomes so great that we become lost in the game of desire that we create for ourselves and literally go mad with desire. Look at how people are able to treat other humans, animals, the environment – even themselves – just to fulfill what? A desire.

Day 441: Stopping is only the beginning

One thing I noticed earlier on in my process is that: when I had opportunities to really change and go to places I had never gone before in terms of my own self expansion, an experience came up of “I can’t believe this is happening”, “I can’t believe I’m doing this”….”can I do this”…..”I can’t do this”…

So there is a train of thought here where, after I have the initial experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I am standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump into the great unknown sea, I am judging this experience as something ‘great’ which eventually discourages me. Now, this positive judgment has been placed on my process and the idea of becoming a good person only because I have already judged myself as a bad person and therefore why I believe I am not capable of being a good person. I have even noticed times where my reason for doing that which I saw as positive was based on judging something as negative that was something or someone outside of myself.

Process is really a common sense thing, it is learning what it means to live life, to be life, one and equal, I suppose one could call that a positive thing but if it is simply who you are, and anything other than this is not who you are, then there is no negative that exists that is real in fact – it is only created in the mind of man.

We tend to take issue with our judgments when they are negative and quite obviously detrimental – but we tend to fail in taking issue with the judgments that we make about ourselves and our world because we tend to not see the negative that is actually pre-existing in order to have us form a positive judgment that creates a veneer over the negative. These positive points tend to become our vices/points that we use to escape our reality and not have to face the negative truth about ourselves.

So, without going too much into how I have judged myself negatively today, the point to recognize here is not to do something and see/judge/define it as positive simply because it is a change from something negative. We tend to do this when we change something negative about ourselves, like for instance stop a bad habit. We will get all excited about it, get really high on ourselves and how we ‘changed the bad thing’ – that is a total mind fuck as I have come to realize that this is the key point that sabotages me in terms of being consistent, persistent, dedicated and committed to changing myself.

So the point being – it is a process and that stopping something like a bad habit is really only the beginning. Rather, keep stopping it, use that time where you have stopped to investigate and understand fully why it is that you developed that habit in the first place. Keep going with it until it is done. Until you have proven to yourself beyond any doubt that you in fact have understood the point and transcended it.

Day 440: Confessions of a sensationalist

Denial of what is here:

We live in denial. We are individual people living in Denial. We are a culture of denial. We are a country of denial. We are a society of denial. We are a religion of denial. We are a world of denial.

To deny reality is what we have human beings have defined ourselves by as a species. We are the only race who can say one thing and mean another. We are the only ones who can believe in one thing and live the exact opposite. We are the only ones that will deny what is here – our physical reality – and imagine made-up fantasy worlds and live in them. When you experience this world, this reality – how much of that experience is of the actual reality that you are experiencing, and how much of it is just your perception of it?

I grew up in a family-bloodline of musicians and, more basically, sensationalists. That is really what a lot of us musicians/artists do, we sensationalize experiences, we take ‘what is here’’ as our reality and make it out to be more than what it is – we take our perceptions, thoughts, feelings and emotions about our physical reality and work purely with those, as if they are something special to be sensationalized.

Now, the only time anyone should ever be taking on our perceptions of reality is with the awareness of what it is and that by its very nature, is something to be worked through and debunked. To sensationalize them, to feed them, to play them up as if they are something wonderful and mysterious and sensational and (human forbid) special, is, a deception at the very least. In fact it is quite evil. Yes, making something out to be more than what it is, or less than what it is, or anything other than what it is, is deception.

Being trained as a musician/sensationalist, makes this quite challenging for me lol because what I have outlined as nothing more than a deception is something that I have been trained to do and see as positive because it is how I ‘make a name for myself’ and ‘make my way’ in my reality – but is it ‘my way’? No, in fact – it is what I inherited from those who went before me.

Because I have been brought up this way, I will actually experience sensationalizing things, and being noticed for sensationalizing things, as a positive thing, because ‘look at me and all of the attention that I am getting’. This is obviously not something that I want to do and that I have to redefine for myself. But if I have always ‘made my way in my world’ by doing this, then this begs an obvious question – if I stop this, how will I make my way?

One of the reasons we tend to sensationalize things is because we feel as though we have to in order to make our way in this reality. There are many of us (if not all of us) who have experienced those moments in life where we truly had a need, spoke honestly and earnestly – and the simple innocence of our needs we ignored. We did not get the attention that we require. That can be a traumatizing thing for a child. The child may then recognize that people are not necessarily drawn to honest, innocent, common sense needs – they tend to be drawn towards bright flashy lights – sensationalism.

So what does this imply for a sensationalist? What does it imply for this person who has always used sensationalism and attention seeking as a way of getting things done? That they have to actually ’stick to their guns’ and speak earnestly – to only work with what is here but to be insistent and directive about it.

There is nothing that cannot be explained and solved with words. There are a thousand ways to say the same exact thing. We must we resort to sensationalism? Are we so ready to abandon reality and our integrity just because we fear something may not get done, or that we may not be willing to do whatever it takes to get something done, the honest way? Are we really so we weak that we cannot make our physical reality and experience of it the most amazing thing possible and instead have to make-up fantasy worlds and alternate realities and all kinds of little places in our minds where we can go and escape our own self-acceptance of inferiority?

Sometimes, no matter what you do, others will not hear – but that does not mean we have to abandon ourselves and become characters that are not in order to get things done. If you ‘stay true to yourself’, eventually you will find the people that will here you, but for a young child that can appear quite difficult because you really are quite limited in what you are able to control and direct. And yet, if you stay true to yourself, that is something that is never lost and eventually inevitably – you will be heard.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sensationalize what is here and to make ‘more’ or ‘less’ out of what is here by looking at things only through how I experience them and what fears/desires may arise according to my experience of them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abandon what is here and feel that I need/require to make something more or less out of what is here in order to get attention and be heard

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to conform and compromise myself to any force (outside myself or within myself) because I fear loss and fear that others will not understand me/will not hear me – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘hang on’ to such people and try and ‘save them’ when in fact I do not require them or their approval or opinions if I stand one and equal to life and serve only life and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do so, I will be heard eventually inevitably.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself and my principles – that is the principal of life which is oneness and equality – because I have accepted and allowed within me the fear of not being equal or that I will not be equal and thus attempted to be something more (or less)

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stay true to myself and remain self honest because I fear that others may not understand

I commit myself to stop depending on sensationalism, attention seeking and getting noticed in order to ‘make a name for myself’ and ‘make my way’ in this world

I commit myself to stick to the simplicity of the message of equality and what it means to live one and equal here and to use the simplicity of breath and words in order to express myself and direct myself and my reality effectively

I commit myself to stick to the simplicity of equality, of living here as breath as a physical being, no matter what comes into my world and how much it is sensationalized and no matter how much fear and energy something or someone is charge with – I commit myself to stop the fear/living habit that ‘if I do not play the game of the sensationalists and be the best sensationalist, I will lose!’

I commit myself to live and apply the understanding that to move and direct myself/ my reality in any substantial and sustainable way can only be done here in the physical body as breath and does not require any form of energy as thoughts, feelings and emotions which are nothing more than ways of sensationalizing what is here

I commit myself to not sabotage myself by recognizing how tricky the mind is and to not make the mistake of sensationalizing the fact that I am trying to stop sensationalizing everything – lol – to not get hung up on the sensationalizing of an idea/intent and rather, simply live it.