So I had my first bill come in today for car insurance recently. I have never had my own car insurance before so this is a new experience for me. Since this bill came in I have been avoiding opening it. Not to judge myself, but it is obviously really silly, because it is simply a bill, it is just words on paper, and I have no problem affording this bill. And yet, even knowing this, I am to this day resistant to opening this bill.
Part of it is that it’s a new experience but more importantly it is the fact that I have to pay a bill which is something that I see as boring, uninteresting, it gives me no kind of pleasure. If anything, it is a reminder of this system of money and laws that I have found myself in, and that I have more recently in my adult years learned that I am responsible for.
So, at the very least, it is my self-responsibility to take this point on, but there are other dimensions of it: self responsibility can sometimes sound like it’s not fun or a chore or something difficult that we must begrudgingly do but we do not see the benefit of self responsibility. But the truth is that, even though it is not exciting and I have really take a moment to be silent and GIVE my attention to something (and that IS a lot to give, your attention is quite valuable…) – in the long run, I benefit, my cause benefits, and my cause is to benefit, so really, paying bills, or taking on any other obligations for that matter are quite cool as a means to an end. The means may not feel so cool but the end is cool, and that is certain.
This is a short and simple point for today’s blog as I haven’t been taking on too many points recently in writing and so it is a ‘bite sized’ point to start on – to forgive myself for this point, write corrective statements, and then live those corrective statements. It seems so simply to just pay the bill but apparently it isn’t lol – however, doing this one ‘small’ act that I resist will support me in leading to other actions where I might normally resist, but decide to persevere through such resistances.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear paying bills because I fear losing money and as such do not like giving my money to others and because it reminds me of the fact that I am trapped in a world where I must take self-responsibility and face all that this world shows me in order to support the new design of a world that is best for all life which we would all like to experience ourselves within
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on whatever it is that the world ‘throws at me’ – whether it is work to be done, bills to be paid etc. – out of the fear that is created within/of the belief that ‘I can’t do it’ – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and feel as if there is anything in this world that I cannot do or face when in fact those feelings are nothing more than the resonance of past experiences where I struggled and did not know how to navigate my reality and thus felt as if ‘I cannot do it’/’I am incapable’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed such thoughts, feelings and emotions of ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘I am not good enough’ to permeate my mind/body/living expression
I commit myself to face that which enters my world – bills or otherwise – read it, understand it, and then direct it as myself, within/as breath – I commit myself to live the simplicity of what it means to face my reality as simply being here, reading the situation within a breath and acting accordingly to that which I have accepted and allowed myself to take into myself – I commit myself to take all that is here into/as myself so that there is no information/experience/being that I fear to face and cannot stand one and equal to
I commit myself to, as a self support to diffuse any energy of resistance around the bill point, set aside a moment tomorrow, in the moment, (not to think about it and make a big deal about it) simply go for it, read the bill and pay the bill – I commit myself to then continue to move to the next point and not sit back and pat myself on the back for that which I already know I can accomplish