Day 230: Correcting myself within a relationship

The following is an excerpt from my journal:

How do we change our relationship from a dependency to a support? If we do not do this, we will be damned.

I mean, do either of us want this experience of loneliness anymore? No. do either of us want this experience of not trusting each other anymore? No. I am not advocating a break up – I am advocating that we stick together and support each other in our own processes. We must not have secrets both with ourselves and with each other – and starting with ourselves first is what is important. I cannot ‘demand’ anything from her if she does not even understand what I mean, so certainly I have to make sure she understands where I am coming from and how this all works before I can even propose this, I mean she has to see the importance of this for herself in any case – as do I.

So it is important to not focus on her alone, and yet to not neglect the relationship and focus on myself alone – this will have to be done together, equal and one. We need to get to the bottom of why we are really in this relationship. To have a relationship where we actually grow and make each other stronger, we are going to have to ensure that there is trust and that trust is real. We have to ensure that it is about making each other stronger and not weaker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to have a successful relationship based on past experiences/memories – not taking into consideration that this belief is based on a past belief of what relationships are and who I must be within a relationship, because yes, within such assumptions a successful relationship is impossible – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see what is possible in a relationship when my starting point for a relationship is no longer self-interest/sex/greed, meaning to exist within the relationship without any desires or ulterior motives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my relationship and to exist within/have a relationship from the starting point of fear of loss as fear of not surviving: meaning to design a relationship purely from the starting point of trying to survive and make it in this world, to have financial and moral support and ‘someone in my corner’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’ in my relationships, meaning that I have not allowed myself to simply enjoy another when it is practical to do so, without any desire or dependency, so that we may unconditionally enjoy each other and allow ourselves to support each other to grow and be stronger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I fear about others is in fact that which I fear about myself – thus not realizing that it is important to take ALL points of fear back to self and support self to see how self is living such points and work effectively to stop it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become negative and paranoid within and as my own mind about other people apparently being bad or doing bad things, not realizing that I am projecting myself as past experiences and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to want to ‘jump the gun’ and end the relationship with the person or cut them out of my life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I stick to my process and continue to push myself to walk through tough points and change habits, creating myself anew: that there is nothing to fear in others as the actual fear of myself projected as I am in fact doing what I am able to as what is necessary to sort out myself and my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all relationships are a reflection and extension of myself and thus what really matters within all relationships is who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within my own life and thus from this perspective, it is impossible to try and control or influence others even if my intentions are best, and that the desire to control is only existent when I am not effectively self directive – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to in any way control my relationship or my partner or influence them or have them see things my way

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my relationship/believing that a successful relationship is impossible – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this kind of thinking/feeling is a resonant experience based on past memories of who I was and what I was attempting to create in relationships from a starting point of self-interest – and I do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts/feelings/emotions and simply remain here within/as breath

When and as I see myself fearing loss within my relationship/the experience of myself within a relationship – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear of loss is engrained through past experiences/memories and that I can only fear loss if I am lost and am not directing myself effectively and thus I stop the tendency to go looking outside of myself for solutions and simply face myself here in the moment, and work with who I am to ensure that I can never be lost and thus my relationships will not be lost along with myself – I work with what is here as me/who I am within relationships and stop the tendency/desire to go into the mind looking for solutions

I commit myself to stop making/basing decisions on what will best for the survival of the relationship within the starting point of living for my own survival, and to rather make decisions that are best for all to ensure that the relationship support us individually to be the best individuals that we can be so that we may give back to life

I commit myself to stop all fears of others and always bring the point of fearing something back to self so that I may correct the point within myself and effectively assist/support others within the same point

I commit myself to stop all paranoia and fear of others/fear of loss within my relationships and to simply unconditionally live and give as I see, realize and understand that if I stand/give unconditionally, then the outcome of all my relationships will inevitably be what is best for all life, no matter how that outcome comes about or how long it takes – I commit myself to trust myself in standing by the principles of equality and what is best for all life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective applications such as writing and breathing

I commit myself to work on myself daily in self writing and self corrective application to ensure that I will be the best that I can be and thus all my relationships will be the best they can be within the understanding that to bring about a change in others, I must stand alone and with resolve to support others in realizing themselves and standing up as well

Day 229: Making a difference at the grass-roots level

Lately I find myself increasingly engaged in political discussions with regards to my native country, Canada, particularly pertaining to social change and effecting social change to address the issues that we as a society face which require our urgent attention. If we do not start paying attention to what is really going on in this world – at all levels – there are going to be some terrible and unforeseen consequences.

First things first – before we can even begin to address the problems that exist in our outer world as the society that we are living in, we have got to begin sorting out our inner world. This world is built on relationships: it starts with our relationship with ourselves, which determines our interpersonal relationships as our relationship to one another, and then our cultural/societal relationships as the relationships we have to the culture/society we are living in.

As individuals within our society, we tend to be apathetic about what is really being allowed in our society, and our great contribution to allowing that is our ignorance. Yet when I look at our interpersonal relationships, I see the exact same thing: a large degree of apathy in terms of what we allow in our interpersonal relationships, as it is really not a difficult thing to see how pervasive the conflict and friction we have with our fellow humans on an interpersonal level. Looking then at our relationships with ourselves, the word apathy and ignorance barely even begins to describe it: the degree to which we are dishonest with ourselves and what we accept and allow in our own lives, as the people we allow ourselves to be and exist as, is grossly neglected. So it is no wonder why on all three levels, we tend to believe that it is impossible to change, to change ourselves, our relationships and our societies – or at least that is the convenient excuse to now have to take self responsibility.

What are we allowing on all three levels? Fear, greed, desire, jealousy, spitefulness, neglect, gossip, theatrical drama, anger, spitefulness, ignorance – I mean the list of abuses goes on and on.

The fact is that we cannot even begin to consider having an effect on our outer world if we do not start from the bottom up, from the ‘grass roots’ level. Unfortunately that term has been limited to the second level I have mentioned, the interpersonal level, and that’s why grass roots movements have not prevented the world from becoming the horrific mess that it is today – we have never actually taken self responsibility for who we are within this whole mess.

Let’s face it – our leaders are people just like you and me, and they have their own problems just like we all do, they can’t sort their shit out the same way we as individuals can’t seem to sort out our own problems. Why? Because we completely take for granted and ignore the people we have been socialized as – the way in which we have defined ourselves in our own mind. We point out how fucked up our leaders are when the time comes that we are finally affected by their decisions, and yet we don’t seem to be able to do the same thing with ourselves and give that priority, since after all, that is the first place we are able to make a difference, is in our own lives. I mean, what has everyone been busy with that they believe is so important while the world has been allowed to be reduced to the state that it is in now? It is not valid to suddenly wake up one day after a life of self-interest and ignorance and say you are angry about the system, to blame others for having let the world become what it is today – no matter what role others are playing.

People get the leadership they deserve – this is an old adage in many cultures for a reason. Sadly, those who have the facility (money) that allows them to actually stand up and do something about all of this, take for granted their privilege, and ironically we tend to only get serious about questioning our reality – all of it – and making a difference, until we have lost everything or experienced some kind of extreme trauma/hardship. It is the same kind of mass ignorance and illusion that keeps us from seeing catastrophe in the making – the illusion of self importance. I mean, what was everybody busy with until World War 1 and 2 broke out? If our eyes were actually open, we would clearly see disastrous events such as these in the making, and I’m sure that there were a few lucid people screaming at the top of their lungs, warning us of what is to come – just as we have today.

It doesn’t have to always come to this, we don’t have to keep learning the hard way, and more importantly, will we ever learn, will we ever have a real change, if it is only forced upon us as a matter of consequence? I would wager that we’d rather simply be wiped out. We can be proactive, but it will take some actual doing, some actual self trust and self honesty in application of common sense, it will take the realization that we as individuals are part of something much, much greater than what we have always given importance to in our personal worlds. We are going to have to face, forgive and give up our self interest and resolve our personal conflicts, sort out our inner demons, if we are ever to make a real difference. It takes time, hard work – that how you know it is the real way to make a difference, because you’re mettle will be tested. Once again, it is people that make up our society, and we are going to have to begin looking at these people that we accept and allow ourselves to be and exist as.

In my own personal process, I have had to come a long way before I could even consider taking on broader social issues with any kind of effectiveness and clarity. I had to get self honest about who I really was and who I had become. I had to get down to the nitty-gritty of what is actually going on in my mind, of facing my secrets, my skeletons, my demons. I had to change all kinds of old useless habits to become studious and educate myself about myself and my reality, how things really work, giving myself the education that my society never has and never will. I had to forgive myself extensively for who I had become and learn how to give it all up – myself interest, my desires, my fears, my blame, my judgmental thoughts – all of it. In no way would I have ever had the right or capability to do so, given the person that I had become as a product of this culture. We are products of the culture that we protest – stupid, isn’t it?

I am not saying that one has to be perfect to begin to try to make a difference and start caring about their world, I am saying that taking on your outer world and taking on your inner world must be two parts of the same point – taking self responsibility for this reality and who we are within it. Separation and blame are the name of the game we have been playing with ourselves to no avail. Without taking self responsibility for the people we are – fully, in every way – we will continue these endless cycles of conflict, friction and getting nowhere. Everyone has played a part in this mess, everybody has contributed either actively or tacitly to it, and so we are going to have to learn to stop judging, to stop blaming. We are going to have to learn some understanding and compassion and learn what it means to love our neighbors as ourselves. However, as long as we keep avoiding the reality of the way we treat ourselves, the way we do not love ourselves, the way we are dishonest with ourselves, the way we abuse ourselves – NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

There is support available for this – I suggest life coaching with a group of people who have decided they have had enough abuse, enough horror, and to actually stand up for themselves as life and do something about it. For more visit – become an individual or excellence so that we can begin contributing and creating a society of excellence.

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.

Day 227: What does a Destonian mean when we say ‘stop the mind’?

It is fascinating the kind of reaction a statement such as this gets from some of the haters, and I notice that much of it weighs solely on semantics – the meaning we give to the word ‘mind’.

More commonly in western societies, the mind is given positive connotations: it is seen as the answer, something of real value and we had better use it or lose it. “have you lost your mind?” is what we say when someone does something insane. “use your mind….think for yourself!” we say of the value we give to thoughts and how they apparently serve us. After all, you don’t want to me a “mindless zombie”, would you? Fascinating that so much of this reaction is based purely on a blind energetic charge that we give to a single word.

Funnily enough, that with all of the minds in the world, all 7+ billion , it just doesn’t seem to be enough to make sure that everyone on this planet has food to eat, a roof over their head, an opportunity to work, to go to school, to have healthcare and other forms of support that are human necessities. So much for the ‘power of the mind’, because even if it does serve self, and that seems to work for a while – it won’t last – you will see.

Contrastingly, when you look at some old philosophies from the far east on the mind, a different approach can be found –  that the mind is something to silence, to be conquered, to be vanquished, to be transcended.

We tend to miss this point because we have taken for granted what the input has been that has created our minds – how our minds have been developed and influenced in ways that are destructive towards ourselves and all other life around us. And if one really looks at it, this mind is the thing that dominates us in every way. We are in no way directing your thoughts, on the contrary, they are directing us, they simply pop up and most of the time we don’t even notice. It is that voice in your head that tell you that you are not good enough, it is that feeling that tells you that you need something to be complete, it is that emotion that makes you fear others and your reality so extensively that you will spitefully take every measure to ensure that you are the one who will win over others.

This is why it is called mind control – and we are going to have to remove another false connotation here that mind control is something that someone is doing ‘to you’ – that is not the case. While society provides us with the example, it is we that copy it, and we do so from such a young age that we tend to even forget that it was we who allowed it in the first place.

Before you know it, one day we are all grown up and it is the mind that is in control. We trust it to such an extent that to even question it will be viewed as something that is evil, something that is done only by evil dictators and totalitarians. But who is the dictator really? Isn’t the statement of “this is me, this is MY mind and this is THE way, don’t ever question it, that is wrong!” an absolute statement of a totalitarianist dictatorship?

If a being has any true autonomy left, they would allow themselves the right to question their own mind, they would pursue the path of writing to see what is really taking place within and as their own mind and if you really look at it, I mean look at your thoughts, you’ll see that they are always judgmental in nature, always coming in the form of either positive or negative judgment call – the mind is calling you out – now it is time to call out the mind!

I understand that this has become such a difficult thing to question because the mind requires fuel to keep it alive and that comes in the form of living/repeating patterns/habits/addictions that are designed and scripted by the mind – the mind sets us on a path to feed its own logic, a path of logic, and we become pathological in the way we live out these patterns/habits/addictions that feed the mind, it is pathological, and as anyone who has been taken to the depths of their pathology as addictions can attest to, it can become really pathetic.

However what I am seeing more and more, the less and less I give into the wants and desires of my mind, those tough moments where I literally have to breathe until the desires go away – and sometimes that is really tough, you can feel and experience it like you’re losing everything, life a kind of death is around the corner – it is in those moments that you do not give in, that you no longer allow the mind to influence, control and direct you – that you grow the most, that you transcend the mind and break free from the grip it has on you. It is a kind of death – the death of your jailor who is a character you have created as your mind, and thus it is the birth of your freedom.

The cool thing about all of this is that you don’t have to take anyone’s word on it, after all we are weary of taking the words of others at face value because we know deep down that words as knowledge are the scripting tools of the mind and how mind control is administered. You can go test this shit out for yourself. Try to stop the mind, try to stop your thoughts from popping up – you will see how difficult it is, you will see the extent to which it is in control and you are not. Some will even go to the extent of convincing themselves that just because they cannot stop, then this is just ‘the way it is’ and that it is not possible to stop the mind.

The answer exist within each one as the truth of themselves but it requires self honesty to get to the bottom of what is really going on here. It is the greatest challenge one could ever undertake – to challenge themselves as each one has become their own worst enemy. You have to give yourself that gift of self honesty as the awareness to challenge your own mind and everything that you have ever believed in – you have to give yourself the gift of self forgiveness.

Day 226: Energy is a slippery slope – finding freedom in structure

Reflecting back on my day today I noticed how much more I probably could have done with it. I am finding it is crucial to challenge myself to live to my full potential, not waste time, and really make constructive use out of every moment that I am given here on earth. So what happened?

I let things slide. I did not put limits and boundaries on the fun I was having, the self interest I was indulging in. Self interest can work in self-honest moderation within the consideration/understanding of all life as equal to yourself, but given that we are raised to live the exact opposite of that, it is important to be careful on that point because it can really be taken too far quite easily. The main point is that I did not prioritize ‘what is best for all’ ahead of what I want. Even if those two points are in conflict with/contradictory to one another, it is only by putting what is best for all ahead of your self interest that would allow one the opportunity challenge their self interest.

So I didn’t, and before I knew it, the day flew by with all kinds of fuzzy nice experiences and warm feelings, but very little was accomplished in terms of positive  ACTIONS – that is the deceptive thing about positive feelings and positive thinking  – it is purely a mental experience, you are mental.

I should know this already, in fact I do know that self interest and stimulating yourself in such a way that makes you experience positive feelings is a slippery slope, I mean I have really learned this the hard way with past experiences with addictions to drugs and sex and shit like that. That is not a recommended experience. Now I am seeing it manifest in ‘smaller way’ as this example of today, but even then, the experience is still not a cool one. The more aware of this you become, the more you become aware of and thus begin to value even the smallest moments. So what is the difference between wasting 5 minutes of your life, a day, a week – it is all just a matter of degree. In that 5 minutes you could have made the world a better place than it is today, in 5 minutes you could have made yourself a better person that you were 5 minutes earlier.

Every single moment is so valuable that all it takes is a single moment of thought, of having a desire for some kind of experience, that that is all it takes to set a person off onto their socio-path of desire and self interest. And of course we can find all kinds of ways to justify our self interest: I need it, just a little, I’m tired, I need to relax, I don’t feel good and this will make me feel better, a little won’t hurt, I worked hard and I deserve it – etc.

It is already hard enough to change our habits that are formed from desires without having already given into, let alone when you start to give into them, it is like, too late, the energy is already flowing, and it just feels oh so good – I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop!

So this is the reason I am seeing more and more how important it is to set boundaries, guidelines, and specifically, to implement a schedule in my life as a fail-safe to make sure that this is impossible. This is an important point I realized a while ago with regards to the nature of the mind – that you are your own worst enemy and you literally have to take measures sometimes to ensure that abuse is not possible/not able to be allowed in the short term, until the abuse/self interest point has been sorted out and one can again be trusted with life as this time we are given here on earth.

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a schedule for myself and be patient in understanding that this is a process of developing a schedule, and thus it is not to be limited by a schedule as I may fear, but rather to see how I can structure myself in a way where living is effective and enjoyable – to ensure that I can manage both to be the best that I can be and take responsibility for my world, and to also enjoy myself as an individual within my world experience, ensuring that these two points no longer conflict with one another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that a schedule may limit me as I allowed it to/experienced it to in the past, and to instead simply work with a schedule within the understanding that it serves purely as a guideline of support to living the life that I have always dreamed of, but never knew how to structure and create effectively – after all, inherent in creation is structure, inherent in the ability to express in freedom is having the structure from which to express self

I commit myself to design and develop a schedule as a structured support/guideline, and to work with this point within the principles of freedom and self expression – not limiting myself to it, but rather working with it as I work with myself: a work in progress

Day 225: Deconstructing the mind

Today there will be just a couple statements of self forgiveness and self corrective application which I had written earlier in the day in my journal. I am currently working on a mind construct that is covering a more ‘personal point’ and thus will be keeping it for myself. After all, this process is about self, done for self, by self, here as a physical act in the moment.

What I am working on at the moment is called a mind construct. A mind construct is essentially a method of deconstructing current patterns/habits/addictions that are based in ideas, beliefs, perceptions about ourselves and our reality that were created through past experiences that we will harbor and carry with us today as memories, stored within and as the subconscious mind. Being subconscious in nature, we tend to not see how these memories are still influencing our behavior and how we experience ourselves currently in our living and daily participation in reality. So in essence, in working on a mind construct one is busy peeling back the layers of their mind as accumulated memories to see how one has constructed themselves as their consciousness, determining/influencing how one experience, perceive and behave in their reality.

This is done as a physical process and requires self honesty – so you don’t have preconceived ideas of what your working with or what the outcome will be – you simply walk through the mind as past memories and this is why it is such a revealing process, revealing you to yourself as that which we tend to take for granted that control and influence us as these accumulated memories. You discover how much you have forgotten, how much you have ignored, how much you are compromised, everything that you have been through that you still carry with you and will have the tendency to run away from because while there is a deep awareness that something is not right – you have no idea what that something is and how it works.

I learned how to do mind constructs through the Desteni I Process – a course that I began a few years ago which has assisted me tremendously in understanding myself and coming to grips with myself and my reality, providing clarity from which I can live and express life more freely in ways I had never before imagined – without the self imposed limitations of my own mind as within our own minds, we have become our own worst enemies.

I recommend to try the Desteni I Process if you want to see what’s on the other side.

Now, for today’s self forgiveness and self corrective application statements:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and seek attention and recognition from others, as a way of feeding the mind as ego as the illusion that I am living something as value due to how I am presented to others and viewed by others/myself – not realizing that this pattern was developed over years where I had no direction, no understanding of myself and my world, no effective life skills or training, and thus developed a fear of/aversion to living myself fully here in the moment and applying myself fully without any distractions in the back of my mind of there being something ‘better’ that I could be doing that creates this experience of loneliness and the desire for attention

I commit myself to immerse myself fully in living and daily applications as self directive principle as breath

Day 224: Clinging on to positivity part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a positive energetic charge to that which I see as contributing to my own personal survival – whether it be the things I say, how I appear or present myself to others, the things I do or accomplish, the things I write, the people around me, the things in my environment and the places and the environment that I am in – limiting myself to an existence of survival where I am then moving between points which I see as positive and negative and never actually standing here, stable as breath

I commit myself to stop ‘talking up’ and giving extra positive value to things, people, places, experiences and events in my world as a form of inflating my own ego, in the attempt to create a sense of self/life that is better than it is in fact as a form of wanting to escape/not face/not take responsibility for my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that pride is my downfall, and that pride is only created through identifying myself/my life as positive and within this, the fear of loss is created where I fear to lose that which I am defining as positive

I commit myself to stand stable in the face of stimulation as that which I see as positive/contributing to my survival

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by creating something positive out of/giving a positive energetic charge to things in my reality is a trap where I then become stuck and limited to that which I see as positive, as this value judgment is rooted in fear of the negative of my reality and eventually turns into an obsession, the further I travel down this road of believing/perceiving/convincing myself of the positivity that I have attached to things in my world – whether it be myself, others people, places or things.

When and as I see myself obsessing over/thinking about/trying to create/trying to attract the positive – I stop, I breathe – I let go of my desire as it is in fact rooted in fear, belief and escapism and I do not participate in this desire/obsession

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy life and every moment here by assessing self honestly what my priorities are and thus what is necessary to be done here in the moment, and simply going into it physically and within this, allowing myself to enjoy my reality and not try to attract the positive but simply live and experience all facets of life, without expectation, pre-judgment or preference

I commit myself to let go of the bias of that which I tend to define as positive and within this, stop obsessing over the positive and give myself the strength as clarity to stand here alone, embracing myself, accepting myself and stopping all fears that I will be alone/lost/have a bad experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is that which I desire as the positive that is making my life a struggle, and the foolishness of the belief that these things will ‘make me happy’ that is based on memories of enjoyment in the past which I associate with these things in my life

I commit myself to walk through the fears of letting go of/not obsessing over/not constantly trying to create the positive, to be able to see, realize and understand the freedom from bias as the desire for a positive experience and what is means to remain here as breath and stand as life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to place myself effectively as required in my world, do my work, and walk away – without adding any extra value judgments as positive or negative to the experience, so that I am free to move from experience to experience without bias or resistance

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am allowing the fear of loss to control, influence and direct me and the detrimental effects it is/will have on my well being and quality of life and future

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make things out to be more positive than they are in fact by judging them/adding an extra positive value to them in my mind to cover up the fact/escape the reality of the fact that I am actually living in a world that is quite a mess which will require hard work, dedication, fearlessness and clarity to be able to sort out

I commit myself to stand without fear through stopping my participations in things that is based on fear as the desire to create a positive experience for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by attempting to create/attract/attain/experience the positive as I have defined it in my mind, I am in fact creating/attracting/attaining/experiencing the negative as that which I desire/have defined as positive is in fact based on fear and the desire to escape

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look towards things, people, places and experiences which I have defined as positive to help me/save me from myself as the negative/fear that exist within me – not seeing, realizing or understanding that is useless and futile as it is only me who is able to support me and save me from myself

Thus I commit myself to, in the moments of feeling lonely and yearning for the positive as an experience or someone/something to save me, to stop, breathe, and even support myself with writing if necessary, so that I do not participate in this desire to experience the positive and I can be free to live without the dependency of having a mental energetic charge

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not stand absolute and alone in supporting myself to stop the addiction to the positive as the mind/a mental experience of myself through things/people/places/events/experiences which I have defined as positive in my world, I am useless to support another and I am useless in terms of having any opportunity to enjoy myself/my reality without bias

I commit myself to stop adding positive values to things in my world, and to stop chasing the things which I have already defined as positive so that I may learn to see that that which I have defined as positive which I have for so long believed and perceived I depend on in order to survive, is not real, and does not in fact support me but rather harms me and those around me as it is based in fear/fear of loss