The following is an excerpt from my journal:
How do we change our relationship from a dependency to a support? If we do not do this, we will be damned.
I mean, do either of us want this experience of loneliness anymore? No. do either of us want this experience of not trusting each other anymore? No. I am not advocating a break up – I am advocating that we stick together and support each other in our own processes. We must not have secrets both with ourselves and with each other – and starting with ourselves first is what is important. I cannot ‘demand’ anything from her if she does not even understand what I mean, so certainly I have to make sure she understands where I am coming from and how this all works before I can even propose this, I mean she has to see the importance of this for herself in any case – as do I.
So it is important to not focus on her alone, and yet to not neglect the relationship and focus on myself alone – this will have to be done together, equal and one. We need to get to the bottom of why we are really in this relationship. To have a relationship where we actually grow and make each other stronger, we are going to have to ensure that there is trust and that trust is real. We have to ensure that it is about making each other stronger and not weaker.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to have a successful relationship based on past experiences/memories – not taking into consideration that this belief is based on a past belief of what relationships are and who I must be within a relationship, because yes, within such assumptions a successful relationship is impossible – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see what is possible in a relationship when my starting point for a relationship is no longer self-interest/sex/greed, meaning to exist within the relationship without any desires or ulterior motives
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my relationship and to exist within/have a relationship from the starting point of fear of loss as fear of not surviving: meaning to design a relationship purely from the starting point of trying to survive and make it in this world, to have financial and moral support and ‘someone in my corner’
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’ in my relationships, meaning that I have not allowed myself to simply enjoy another when it is practical to do so, without any desire or dependency, so that we may unconditionally enjoy each other and allow ourselves to support each other to grow and be stronger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I fear about others is in fact that which I fear about myself – thus not realizing that it is important to take ALL points of fear back to self and support self to see how self is living such points and work effectively to stop it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become negative and paranoid within and as my own mind about other people apparently being bad or doing bad things, not realizing that I am projecting myself as past experiences and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to want to ‘jump the gun’ and end the relationship with the person or cut them out of my life
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I stick to my process and continue to push myself to walk through tough points and change habits, creating myself anew: that there is nothing to fear in others as the actual fear of myself projected as I am in fact doing what I am able to as what is necessary to sort out myself and my world
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all relationships are a reflection and extension of myself and thus what really matters within all relationships is who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within my own life and thus from this perspective, it is impossible to try and control or influence others even if my intentions are best, and that the desire to control is only existent when I am not effectively self directive – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to in any way control my relationship or my partner or influence them or have them see things my way
When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my relationship/believing that a successful relationship is impossible – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this kind of thinking/feeling is a resonant experience based on past memories of who I was and what I was attempting to create in relationships from a starting point of self-interest – and I do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts/feelings/emotions and simply remain here within/as breath
When and as I see myself fearing loss within my relationship/the experience of myself within a relationship – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear of loss is engrained through past experiences/memories and that I can only fear loss if I am lost and am not directing myself effectively and thus I stop the tendency to go looking outside of myself for solutions and simply face myself here in the moment, and work with who I am to ensure that I can never be lost and thus my relationships will not be lost along with myself – I work with what is here as me/who I am within relationships and stop the tendency/desire to go into the mind looking for solutions
I commit myself to stop making/basing decisions on what will best for the survival of the relationship within the starting point of living for my own survival, and to rather make decisions that are best for all to ensure that the relationship support us individually to be the best individuals that we can be so that we may give back to life
I commit myself to stop all fears of others and always bring the point of fearing something back to self so that I may correct the point within myself and effectively assist/support others within the same point
I commit myself to stop all paranoia and fear of others/fear of loss within my relationships and to simply unconditionally live and give as I see, realize and understand that if I stand/give unconditionally, then the outcome of all my relationships will inevitably be what is best for all life, no matter how that outcome comes about or how long it takes – I commit myself to trust myself in standing by the principles of equality and what is best for all life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective applications such as writing and breathing
I commit myself to work on myself daily in self writing and self corrective application to ensure that I will be the best that I can be and thus all my relationships will be the best they can be within the understanding that to bring about a change in others, I must stand alone and with resolve to support others in realizing themselves and standing up as well