Tag Archives: reaction

Day 389: Getting a reaction out of people

So today I noticed in a moment my tendency to try to get a reaction out of people, in terms of the way that I present things: information, events/stories, myself – something that I have noticed many times before.

This is a way that I have typically got things done in my life. In terms of surviving and ‘getting ahead in this world, getting noticed and being relevant is often ‘half the battle’ – this is something that I learned from an early age. Our world kind of operates in a ‘first come first serve’ mentality, and ‘the squeaky wheel gets the oil’ kind of mentality, in terms of the person who can do something more quickly or do it more forcefully is often recognized and chosen to be part of the ‘in group’. I noticed this too in my tendency to get things don’t through aggression, through sheer force. Even if this is not happening in terms of force as physical violence, it is being done in words. Words really can be like form of metaphysical weapons – daggers, swords, axes, guns, machine guns, missiles, grenades, bombs – I mean after all, the invention/manifestation of these weapons didn’t exactly come out of nowhere – the have come as a reflection/result of who we are.

So through words I am able to do these things – taking a little verbal jab at someone is like a stab with a dagger, being rude and blunt is like a virtual punch in the face, saying something that has some deep truth in it about a person that you know is going to hurt them deep down inside is like dropping a bomb – I mean we have that verbal expression when we do something like that verbally – ‘I just dropped a bomb’ – the bomb falling with the gravity of the words beings spoken. Speaking with intensity and emotional sway through intensity is like shooting someone with a laser gun. Rattling off as much information and knowledge so that one can be opinionated and right and look intelligent and intellectual is like the countless bullets being shot from a Gatling gun. Sensationalizing something or a story or someone is like putting a grenade inside of it, where it blows up into this thing that is a big deal that is somehow larger than life. Being standoffish and adversarial with people is like covering yourself in spikes or spines – we call that being ‘prickly’.

When I am making something out to be more than it is I am not only deceiving, but I am causing that harm through my words. I am actually attacking people with words and information. Rather than gently walking with a person, I am bombarding them with something that will hopefully get a reaction out of them. The secret in this tactic is that they will associate such a reaction with me, the person, and as such, associate the fear that they experience through a reaction to such harmful words with me – that is another thing I learned since a young age, being ‘respected’ as a form of fear, people respecting you only because they fear you. Using intimidation to control and move people/my reality.

Obviously this has to stop through moments where I identify this pattern, where I am shit talking with verbal weapons, by sensationalizing things, the same exact way that we sensationalize and glorify war. It is seen as a good things because it causes a commotion, it makes people go ‘holy shit’ and as long as they don’t quite have to see the reality of the harm that is actually being caused, as long as they don’t realize the true nature of what is going on and are rather caught up in their enthrallment to the experience that goes along with the sensationalism, it is allowed. When there is a car accident or a fight – people gather around and the crowd watches. For many it provides this experience of entertainment and while they are busy lost in that sensation of entertainment, they remain completely cut off from the reality of what is really going on, the actual pain that those combatants are actually enduring and the harm that they are causing as bystanders perpetuating it.

Gossip is a fantastic example of these verbal weapon attacks that we don’t see as verbal weapon attacks, until of course we are on the other end of it where we are the butt of the gossip and the joke is on us. Same thing with sports and violent sports (really virtually all sports have become violent in their nature) – you are always enjoying it as long as you’re not on the losing side/team. Time to stop, because it is only a matter of time until we experience things from the other side.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to connect with people and make an impression on them and have them like me through trying and attempting to get reactions out of them by the words I speak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sensationalize events purely because I am looking to get a reaction out of people

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way that I am able to connect with people is to get a reaction out of them and get noticed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can make a life by creating reactions in people to get attention from them as a form of verbal violence, rather than to simply walk with beings in equality and show them who I really am and in turn embrace who they really are

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be myself with others no matter where I am or what I am doing and instead pressured myself into trying to get reactions out of them and try to get noticed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘drop bombs’ verbally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to operate within the belief that ‘the squeaky wheel gets the oil’ and ‘the first one to do it/say it wins’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to get things done and move people through generating fear within them as a form of intimidation

I commit myself to stop the tendency to try and get a reaction out of people through making something out to be more than it is and generating reactions/fear within people as a way of getting noticed or directing/moving others

I commit myself to ‘connect’ with people by walking with them here as breath in self honesty, rather than trying to appeal to them at the level of ego/mind as fear/stimulation

I commit myself to stop trying to get reactions of positivity out of people by sensationalizing things in my words as a way of getting what I want/directing them/getting noticed

I commit myself to simply be myself with others and breathe when the desire comes up to be outspoken and find ways to get noticed such as speaking in a way to try and get a reaction out of people

I commit myself to take a more real and genuine interest in people, here as breath in the physical reality, and in this way work with them in terms of ‘where they are at’ rather than trying to impose words/information on them – within this I commit myself to work within the principle of simplicity and humbleness, asking simple questions or speaking in simple fact in order to walk with people sufficiently to understand them and direct them as myself

Advertisements

Day 315: Daily self forgiveness: using the faults of others to justify my reactions

To those who spend their time looking for the faults in others: Quote About Spend Time Looking Faults Others

Just a quick post for today.

 

Today I had some experiences wherein I was becoming mildly frustrated with ‘the incompetence, bullshit and mischievous ways’ of others – apparently. It is fascinating because as much as I am able to blame others for how I experience myself, they are not ‘making me’ feel anything – everything I experience internally is about no one and nothing but myself.

 

The tricky part is how the mind uses real things in physical reality to justify and further ‘make real’ that which I am experiencing within myself. Sure, perhaps those who I was dealing with were incompetent, bulshitting and being mischevious, but by focusing on this I am overlooking the real point: the issue was over money, and within dealing with a point about money, fears of mine came up – ‘what ifs’ – which are points of self-doubt that the ego uses so cleverly to again ‘make real’ it’s own desires and beliefs. The only reason I experienced any irritation, frustration and therefore blame/judgment towards others, is because of the fears that dealing with money bring up

 

So the point here is to stop all reactions/projections/desires related to money and what the point of money really brings up: fear of loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose my things and be ‘cheated’ out of having things: money and possessions, and therefore one day find myself ‘without’ and ‘in trouble’ because I have nothing on which to survive – I commit myself to remain here within and as breath when and as this fear arises, as I see, realize and understand that I am only able to do what I am able to do within the necessity to survive and nothing more, and that to ‘over blow’ this point by acting out of fear and thus resorting to mind-tactics to be able to survive such as attacking others or intimidation – I stop, breathe, and do not allow myself to participate in my reactions and fearful projections about what I will do’, and rather remain here as breath until the energy passes and I may continue to support myself in a way that is not out of self interest and self preservation, but in a way that is best for all life and within the consideration/starting point of all life as equal and one

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use other peoples short comings to self righteously justify my own fears and reactions, and self beliefs about how my fears are real and how others are wrong and thus apparently are the reason for why I am reacting – I thus commit myself to, upon reacting to others within situations where I fear losing/loss/being harmed, to stop, and breathe, and not give into my reactions and blame towards others, as I see, realize and understand that this tendency to focus others faults is the ultimate deception that looks and feels ‘so real’ in the eyes of the mind because it may have a grain of truth, yet I am fooling myself my making the association between this and how I experience myself within myself as blame – and thus I do not participate in my reactions/projections onto others as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Day 312: Always give the integrity you expect from others

(This post was written with regard to a reaction of anger and frustration I had towards another persons behavior recently, as I judged them as ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘secretive’, fearing what they might possibly do to me)

So about my reaction. It was so strong and intense. It was all about control and being pissed off about ambiguity. The desire to control is pattern, I am seeing. Due to my reaction, it was difficult to write with any clarity, I was completely fucked and the things I was writing were taking things way too far.

What is this control and desire to control about? It is about the fear of ‘what could happen’ – that ‘what if’ fear. It is the fear of what others could do to me. And that is, in a way, just the fear of myself and what I could do to others. It is just memories that haunt me, which have me in this permanent state of paranoia, and before I know it, I am already ready to ‘strike at others’, whether that is anticipating being hurt and how I would strike back, or whether being preemptive of this fear of being hurt my others.

Why is self preservation all that matters? If I did not exist this way, would the ‘what if’ possibility of what others could potentially to do me be of any concern? No. Just the same way it would be pointless to live in constant fear of being hit my a bus. Sure it could happen, it COULD. Does it matter? Not really. Because who I am is all that matters, as it determines how I experience myself for as long as I am here.

What I fear is my own self interest – because, even if faced with the evil of another, how can I possibly trust myself to direct the outcome in a way that is best for all, if I have not transcended the same evil myself?

The ego takes this ‘what if fear’ and projects it very deceptively onto others. But if I give up that which I desire that exist as self interest – what is there to fear of others really? What is there to lose? I just end up becoming intolerant of others because of these fears, I create desires and expectations about what others should be. But as someone said to me once: “always give the level of integrity that you expect.” And – save for situations where it is proven that I am being outright abused by another – this holds true. Nothing else matters and to ‘risk everything’ (in the eyes of the mind/fear) is what will be necessary to give such a thing.

This will be a brief post for tonight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what others can do to me, not realizing that this is in fact the fear of myself as how I am existing, and within this fear, that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control others through placing expectations of how others should be, and that I have rather not accepted and allowed myself to be that which I would like/desire others to be, as I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is the only way to create that which is best for all – to risk everything and live as the example

I commit myself to take self responsibility for myself first and foremost and to investigate and stop my reactions towards others and my desires/expectations of what others should be – and to rather remove such controls, which are birthed in fear, through standing myself as that example and to live with the integrity that I would expect from others as I see, realize and understand that this is in fact what is best for all.

Day 311: Re-defining ignorance, part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize ignorance as a way of escaping my reality and fulfilling self interest within the notion that ‘ignorance is bliss’, wherein if I just ignore my reality and remain uneducated while preoccupying myself with entertainment and useless distractions, I believe that my life and experience of myself will somehow be better, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give ignorance a positive charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use ignoring people as a weapon within an energetic experience of spitefulness wherein I use ignoring someone as a way of saying ‘fuck’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stop and realize that I am in fact reacting towards another and that this is only out of fear of what another can do to me which is in fact just the fear of myself as how I exist within my own thoughts about others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that is in fact impossible from a certain perspective as I require to interact with others in order to exist and co-exist and that ignoring others is not the answer as that which is bothering me which I fear is not others in fact by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is pointless to ignore others when in fact I am the creator of my experience and it is my thoughts which disturb me – not others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others within/as a point of blame and as a way of not having to face myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and ignore my own thoughts by focusing on others and then trying to ignore others – not seeing and realizing that the only thing that is necessary to ignore is the desire to give into my own reactions/thoughts and that this is the only way that ignoring can ever be valid: ignoring the desire to ignore others and react/give into my thoughts/feelings/emotions as this is useless and not self directive

I commit myself to take self responsibility for my own thought and to not ignore them and remain ignorant to the truth of myself as my own reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions – and within this, I commit myself to stop the tendency to ignore others as a way of believing my inner reactions to be real and believing that others are the problem, and thus the tendency to want to ignore others as a way of being spiteful/saying ‘fuck you’

when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to ignore others/my reality – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is in fact my own fears as my thoughts/feelings emotions that may only present themselves as being about others when they are in fact about me and how I am existing and that the only solution here is to direct my attention to my own reactions and forgive/correct them, by investigating what was the reaction, what was it’s nature and what is it showing me about me, which holds the key to correcting such a point and no longer fearing others/creating the desire to ignore others – thus I take self responsibility for who I am and do not give into the desire to ignore others within blame, as this desire arises as my thoughts/feelings/emotions

I commit myself to remain here and face my thoughts and stop all tendencies to ignore my thoughts and my inner and outer reality – I remain here within the understanding that I am the directive principle/creator of how I experience myself and thus I am able to direct myself as I would like accordingly always as long as I remain here, aware, facing myself and all that is here without fear of myself, projected as the fear of others

Day 309: Re-defining ignorance, part 1

 

 

Like all living words, when lived and applied in a way that is best for all life, any word can have it’s usefulness. Here I would like to look at the word ignore/ignorance.

 

In the past I had used it as a defense mechanism, both passive and passive-aggressive – and so this word was useless and quite destructive to my life. ‘Passive’, meaning to simply ignore the things that matter, so that I can just remain in self interest and focus only on what I believe pleases me. To remain dumb and uneducated, unaware and disconnected, believing that this somehow serves me. The ‘passive-aggressive’ side of ignorance is more of an act in situations where I may observe something that troubles me, that I don’t like, that I react to, and within this, go into an expression of spitefulness as ignoring the person or thing that I observe/experience this way – a way of saying ‘fuck you’ without actually saying it – basically abandoning something. I had done this because I feared that which I observed and within fearing it, judged it and defined it/the person as being that which I observed, believing that this is all it/the person will ever be, and thus the ‘fight or flight’ system is engaged, fight and flight essentially being one and the same through the act of saying ‘fuck you’ by ignoring.

 

So the point is to never abandon a person and ex-communicate, and even hold a grudge, as people so often do when there are hard times and conflict or traumatic experiences. And yet, there are moments where the best way to support an individual s to leave them to their own devices for a moment – but with the faith that if I stand absolute in equality to this person and do not judge, that I will remain here, stable and constant in my standing with open arms, the person will inevitably eventually come to a point of understanding/realization, and our time will finally come to coexist and share the gift that we both are as life.

 

This is a massive point, I deal with it a lot in my interpersonal relationships and realize that this extends to pretty much all my relationships in my life. We are all in different points of understanding in our process, we resist change, we are stuck in habits that are, quite frankly destructive and evil – and yet this is just illusion from the perspective of the fact that we are simply lost, we are brainwashed, it is not who we really are as life. All illusions end eventually.

 

In fear and judgment of what we have become, the tendency is to want to try and control – but that tendency is only birthed from a fear we have created of ourselves within the awareness that our own standing, self forgiveness and self corrective application are not absolute. The fear can be strong, because of course there is some pretty wicked shit out there that we observe people living out. We sometimes call this attempt at controlling others/that which we observe in the outside world ‘love’ or ‘caring’ – but that is a self righteous excuse to continue this pattern of judgment, fear and control, which is in effect, useless and just keeps the cycle going. The hardest thing to do is to focus on self absolutely and stand so absolutely that nothing in our exterior world will shake us from our foundation of life.

 

After writing this last paragraph, I stepped away from my computer for a moment and realized something about the last paragraph that I wrote is actually pertains to a side effect, of what I realized is the main point in fact: living the word ‘ignore’ in a way that is real is more with regard to this overall tendency to react that I have mentioned – when thoughts in the mind that are judgmental, reactionary and fearful arise. And here I am not saying: ignorance is bliss. Hell no. All thoughts and inner experiences that we have require attention, they are here, they influence us, we can not deny them and to ignore their existence in the traditional sense (the ‘passive ignoring’ I mentioned) is foolish. Rather, to ignore effectively would be to simply recognize such inner experiences for what they are, and to not act on them and giving into the temptation to follow them, no matter how strong the fear or self doubt may appear. It would be to step back for a moment, breathe, and give ourselves the ‘breathing room’ that will only then enable us to begin to look at these experiences more effectively, deconstruct them and direct ourselves effectively. This takes practices, because it is like we are addicted to our minds/fears, the trust in our own illusions runs deep.

 

I will continue to practical self forgiveness and self corrective statement sin the next blog.

Day 297: Directing myself = directing my reality

https://i2.wp.com/media1.annabrixthomsen.com/2012/06/we-write-to-change-the-world.jpg

I noticed an interesting point today which is that every aspect of our participation in this reality is a form of agreement – it is a stance, a statement, and expression of the principles that we are living and embody. This is the case by virtue of the fact that the human species exist as one organism as a whole, and as part of nature and the eco-system and the universe in the bigger picture. This is also so whenever we are more directly engaged/interacting with others. Most of the time it is not explicit. It is rather an intrinsic part of who we currently are as the decisions we have made as who we decide to be – what matters to us, what our values are, what we deem acceptable and unacceptable. This then resonates from us and is also reflected in our daily living – however we tend to only see the parts of each other that we would like to put on public display and don’t see the whole story. How is trust possible when this is the case?

 

The decision of who we are – what we will accept and allow ourselves to create ourselves and our world as – is critical to all other facets of our existence. What I noticed tonight is the point that everything hinges on this point – all of our interactions with others, how they will go, our participations in what we contribute to our world and thus what the world gives us in return, is all dependent on who we are. We cannot exist as one thing, and expect to experience another. We cannot expect that we will have effective relationships and effective interactions with others if we do not first establish these points with ourselves – and when we do, these relationships and experiences/interactions are essentially fake. Because then we are trying to create something – whatever we believe we want or we believe is ideal – outside of ourselves. It may last a while, but this is not the truth of ourselves and the truth always comes out sooner or later.

 

My experience and relationship with others hinges entirely on who I am. It is foolish to try and change things ‘out there’, in another person, in a relationship, in an experience. Fear is always the point that ‘pulls me in’ to trying to do this – the fear of myself is projected onto other/my situation because I have not established a point within and as myself as self certainty. It is important to first equalize myself within myself, to come to grips with and forgive my fears, before I can ever expect to experience life in the way that I really want to.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to change my reality outside of myself and from a starting point of separation as a reaction to a thought/fear/feeling/emotion – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must first understand my reactions, stop the through understanding the point as it exist both within myself and another, allowing myself to be able to direct myself and another from a starting point of oneness, equality and understanding

 

I commit myself to – when and as I see a fear exist within me as some for of backchat/voices in the head – write on the point, establish what the point is, give it a name with clarity, and to work on this point so that my living is equal and thus the point will be directed effectively – before allowing myself to act on the point from a starting point of fear as reaction – I stop all temptation to react and breathe, allowing the energy to pass for so that I may deal with the point effectively through writing

 

Day 285: Self support when reacting to another

So today I had a negative reaction to another person in my world, for points that I observed about them that I consider to be not cool and problematic. What is interesting about observation, is that we as humans tend to project ourselves onto that which we are observing. What is even more interesting is that every human being tends to exist the same way in essence, so it can be rather confusing because: here I am in a situation where what I may be observing in another is real: yet if I am reacting to it, my reaction is not real, but rather a projection of myself of how I am actually existing within and as the same point – that is why we tend to react to others by judging and blaming them, rather than having the self directive principle through insight and understanding to be able to assist, support and direct them. So it is always important to take the point back to self, which requires the application of self honesty – identify what it is that self is reacting to, and look for where self may be living out the same points. Once this is done and self is no longer accepting and allowing self to participate in the same points, then it is possible to assist, support and direct another with effectiveness to also stop the same points for themselves. From writing in my journal about today’s experience of reacting to another, I have identified the following points, which pertain to blogs I have been writing recently which have been oriented around the tendency to want to be accepted by others and seen/viewed a particular way where I please others, within a starting point of fear and survival. Here are the points I identified in today’s writing:

Ok, so I have to clarify these points that I am reacting to: the desire to be attractive and be perceived by others as being attractive. The desire to get attention from others and have a nice experience with others. The tendency to use relationship experiences with others as a way of stagnating myself, where my starting point in interaction with others is not specific, direct or self expression, but rather just ‘looking for a good time’, and through creating the experience of ‘just having a good time’, I am drugging myself with distractions and laziness that keeps me from self movement and truly being effective with my time – additional to this, is also the point of not just moving myself because I have to, but developing that point of specificity in moment to moment management wherein each moment accumulates to a point that is practical – I mean, I have things to take care of, sort out, and get done in my time here on earth, and I have to be self honest about assessing whether or not my actions in every moment are conducive to those goals, or not.

Got to get to sleep – will continue this in the next post.