Day 445: Self support in process

The power of words is one that we take for granted as ‘power’ is something that has been grossly misunderstood in our world. By the power of words I mean: who we are within the words we say. Do we really mean it? Where is it coming from? What is the starting point? Is it truthful, self honest? Have you checked to ensure that the words that you are speaking or inclined to speak are real/self honest?

Through writing, really taking the time to breathe and write self honestly, to truly give the utmost value to my words – the words in my mind and that come out of my mouth – I have noticed that it is possible to ‘short circuit’ one’s process in terms of being direct/honest with oneself, so that, in the moments that we sit down to write, we are really going straight to the point, and not allowing all kinds of others distractions/peripheral things to come up. Often, our reactions to the experience of what it is that we are living are so intense that in the moment that we want to look at a point, there is so much that comes out as our REACTION/perception/interpretation of the experience that it can take time to get to the actual point. This often tends to lead to not actually getting down to the point and thus the cycle/pattern tends to repeat.

Process is a bit of a dichotomy in that you are in fact your own worst enemy, you are the one constantly working against yourself and sabotaging yourself from really living the life you would actually like to. What I have noticed about this point in my own process is there is a tendency to want to contextualize process/self change within the context of the mind which tends to want to win at all costs. So it often becomes about a desire to make progress, a desire to get the answer, a desire to be better. Within that I have noticed such a tendency to do my process in the same way that I have become accustomed to getting so many things in my life done – which is a way of life that I am trying to change, so it is a bit asinine. To do process effectively one has to slow down and give up that desire to win, because the fact is that this force that is driving you so pathologically/automatically to win that is the force we are busy disempowering/disengaging – which is the whole point of writing and how we are using our words to support ourselves.

Giving myself time, giving myself attention, giving myself the breath to support myself when the hell of the mind begins to activate all kinds of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Being my own best friend, essentially, is the key to all life.

Life never stops, of course – oftentimes I want the whole world to just stop so I can give myself that time, space and attention, but that is simply unrealistic. The mistake I have made so many times is becoming frustrated with my life circumstances, that I would ‘rather be doing process’ than working and have justified not giving myself that time, space and attention because I have giving my attention already to all of these things that I don’t really want to do – but that makes no sense because that is not understanding the value of this act of giving myself time, space and attention through/as breath, that I am in fact doing this for me – it just may not feel like it because it is not the same experience as what I have normally used to deal with the dissatisfaction of my circumstances, just using positive feelings to escape reality but within that I am not in fact supporting myself.

Throughout my process, I have found some kind of resolve in shame, in guilt, in anger and blame – at seeing what has become of this world and the part I have played within that and how I have contributed to the suffering of so many – but what I have tended to leave out of that is myself. That the damage has been done unto me also, by me. Trying to change myself and make a difference from this starting point is ineffective because I am essentially judging myself as being ‘too bad’ and therefore accepting/allowing the belief through implication that ‘I cannot do this/I am not good enough’. it is still basing more of the future on past traumas only, not living, changing unconditionally through understanding.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base process/tying to change on memories of past experiences or trauma, shame and guilt which have become knowledge as the apparent reason/justification as to why I must change that exist within a self-judgment where I have created myself in separation to life as being ‘bad’ and ‘worse than others’ or ‘made more mistakes than others’.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the simplicity of process – that it starts with a breath and to learn what it really means to breathe , what it really means to be self aware as the understanding that I and only I am the decision maker of what i will accept and allow to exist within me as mind/thought/feelings/emotion/energy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to my outer reality in away where I am looking for any excuse to not have to focus on myself/what is existent within as me here in the moment

I commit myself to stick to breath as the self support stabilizer of what is here so that I may work with what is here and not accept or allow anything that is not best for all life as the mind consciousness system that has enslaved the physical