Day 190: Is Desteni a scam? Part 4


Here I am continuing with my testimonial of the Desteni group through first-hand experience and participation within the group and the principles by which it lives.

One of the points that stands out about the Desteni group is that it is a group that lives by principles – not personal preferences. The integrity of this group on principles that are best for all life is unlike I anything I have ever experienced before, because the principles always stand absolute despite any personal principles or self interest one may have, whether they are a member of the group or not. That is not to say that anyone in the group is special, as if we were born that way – no – upon investigating the group one will see that they are ordinary human beings who go through all the same shit as a normal person – the difference is, when a ‘problem point’ emerges with a Destonian, the point is always self-responsibility first, through self honesty.

One great example of this is in how the group does not play favorites with members – all are held to the standard of self honesty and what is best for all life, so Destonians get no preference. If a Destonian is then for instance found in a dispute with an outsider, there is no automatic taking of sides, and if it is found that the Destonian has not been self honest and is acting in ways that is not best for all life, that point is to then be sorted out by that Destonian.

Support is given unconditionally to all, whether they are members of the group or not  – and so the only thing stopping one from getting any support is themselves, because the support is all about self honesty and self responsibility – and who wants to do that?

There are no doctrines or rules to follow – there is only self honesty as only self knows the truth of self, only self is aware of what exactly is going on in ones mind. Within this, there is then no brainwashing in terms of convincing people what to think, rather self education is encouraged and Desteni are a group of real leaders who support others to enable themselves to think independently and figure things out for themselves. Here, the importance of vocabulary and how words are used to deceive and control, is key, as conversely words also hold the key to stopping deception and self deception, and structuring a persons mind in a way that will be beneficial to them and their environment.

After my visit to the Desteni Farm and a couple years of supporting myself with the tools they had been giving freely, I decided to enroll in the newly established Desteni I Process course, which was a way that one could learn and do their process in a structured fashion for a monthly fee. Having found what they provided me thus far to be very effective and already being so grateful for what I had learned and how I had changed, I decided to take the course and really get on with my process. I didn’t know what to expect with the course and it was unlike anything I had ever done before, but the results came steadily and surely. Over time I had come to understand even more about myself and the human mind and how it functions, affecting my entire experience of myself in my world, my personal well being and my overall quality of life.

I eventually came to a point where I could no longer afford the course due to financial limitations, and I worried that I would no longer be able to progress at the steady and sure rate that I had been. Yet again the group was there to support me by providing me the opportunity to continue the course, free of charge –and to this day I am still doing the course, free of charge on a sponsorship. As I had mentioned, the only thing really stopping oneself from engaging in this process is themselves, and any claims that Desteni is some kind of a money making scam are obviously unfounded. I already saw this when I visited the farm for the first time and saw first-hand how they were living.

This is the main ‘end game’ goal that I have heard those who make claims about Desteni without proper research, speak of. And if the claim is not that someone is benefiting financially, the claim is that there is some kind of idolatry going on, that it is either money or fame as the ‘end game’ goal. Particularly that it is Sunette Spies or Bernard Poolman that are gaining all this apparent popularity that somehow benefits them.

Now as I mentioned already, the participants in Desteni stand resolute within the principles of oneness and equality above personality and personal preference – therefore any kind of idolatry is obviously something that is not able to be allowed within the group. Funnily enough, the very first words that Bernard Poolman ever said to me when I met him was ‘stop following me!’.

As well as this, we live in a world where people capitalize on messages of love and light, telling people what they want to hear, that they are special, and finding every way to play to their hearts desires. It doesn’t take much research to see that what Desteni shares doesn’t fall in line with that at all – on the contrary, they are saying we are all equal and thus no one is ‘special’ from that perspective, and they are showing people the absolute mess that the human mind and the world has become due to our complete self interest and delusions of self importance, which completely contradicts the message you so often hear in our consumerist society that tells everyone that ‘everything is just fine’ and ‘you are perfect the way you are’ and ‘learn how to get more’.

What I have found most prominently in those who have claimed that Desteni is somehow a bad thing (usually through simply using the word cult and hoping that it’s common connotation as being a negative word infects those who cannot think freely for themselves) is that they simply have a point in their world that they fear giving up as, in their view, their world is ‘working for them’, and because the fear of failure and the fear of loss is so great, anything that they may perceive as threatening their position of success and exposing the truth of their success – that it was built in a world of lies where good people die for no reason and the greedy and deceitful get rich – will simply be written off as ‘bad’ or a ‘cult’.

Many who might claim to be open minded should check out Desteni and the message they share because it will surely put that claim to the test – do you have the courage to actually study the material seriously, apply the principles and test it all out – or are you going to stand there from a distance and make demonizing claims to incite fear in others who may also not have the courage to really see for themselves?

The fact is that unlike the mass majority of groups and movements who capitalize their fame on sensationalism, Desteni has no claim to fame – because all Desteni is doing is pointing out the truth of existence, what is already here, if people would so dare to open their eyes. It is no secret that humans tend to only see what they want to see and only remember things as they want them to be remembered, that we are our own worst enemies. Desteni, I have found, is not against anyone, save for this ‘enemy’ within you. If one would dare to admit, that they are not perfect, that everything is not ok in their world, that we require correction and improvement, not out of self interest, but because they recognize that life is being ab-used – then Desteni is a simple thing to embrace.

Day 189: Is Desteni a scam? Part 3

Here I am continuing with my first hand testimonial on the Desteni group and principles for which it stands and by which its participants live.

Time went on and I my life continued to get more difficult and all kinds of challenges came up. Naturally as this happened, having already found what Desteni shared were practical tools to support myself through my journey, I continued to research the material, trying to better understand myself and the situations I found myself in. One thing I found was that applying myself fully, stopping my habits and addictions and living in complete self honesty, completely forgiving myself, was very difficult. I would want do live one way, and have such strong intent to do so, and then all of a sudden completely fall from my intent back into old ways. There were some points about me that I couldn’t even fathom giving up or changing, some points that I wasn’t even aware of, and some that I simply said ‘I don’t want to give these up – they’re too great!’. This despite me knowing the importance of self change and the vast implications of what it actually would mean to change myself – that this was something that I must do for life, and how shameful it would be if I couldn’t bring myself to do such a thing.

Therefore in the times where I had been weak and consciously strayed from the principles of oneness and equality as what I knew was best, I could never find it within myself to justify my actions and find some way to claim that I was self righteous or that the Desteni message/what was necessary to be done in self change, was in any way flawed. It was I who had become flawed and in light of such principle I was humbled and shamed. Shame here not being an unhealthy thing – because it was shame in the face of the standard of what I knew was best, and therefore how I was letting myself down, how I was ‘letting life down’, if I could put it that way.

After some time of researching the material, I became interested in visiting the farm in South Africa and seeing it all for myself. Eventually, after a year of living in Thailand because of a new job, I got the opportunity to go visit the farm in South Africa. Because of how difficult I was finding my own process, as much as I wanted to go to the farm, I was extremely nervous all the way until I arrived at the farm. Interestingly, the closer I got to the farm, the more my nerves cooled.

The farm was an amazing experience in that I really got to unwind and experience myself in a social environment unlike any other I had ever been in. People enjoyed themselves. They lived simply in terms of there being no social bullshit, no drama. People did not tend to be obsessive with relationships and band together (or quarrel) just for the sake of it, just for the sake of their own egos. Interaction was direct, specific and always supportive. That’s what it was all about, with everyone I interacted with – supporting each other – imagine an entire world community like that. Working on the farm was an experience unlike any other because it was within no hierarchical context, there was never any kind of pressure except for the pressure I had become accustomed to putting on myself. I learned a lot from the people there, every day was interesting, and I would even get some very specific support to assist me with exactly where I was at in my own process – all of this completely free. They were even kind enough to take care of me financially while I stayed on the farm. What other ‘total strangers’ do you know that would do this for you? This is why when some make claims that Desteni is a scam – always from a distance of course – I have to laugh at the absurdity of it. All the support I had ever received was free, in return receiving nothing but personal growth, self improvement, clarity and stability, and in turn being able to assist and support others with that which I had been fortunate to have been given.

Times however even got difficult for myself while on the farm as even here, I was still alone with myself and still my own worst enemy, and I found it hard to completely let go of some of my habits. I had always judged myself intensely for what I had become, and I had always almost expected that one day, someone would come at me and call me out and be like yelling and screaming at me for how fucked I was – but it never happened. I was given complete and utter support for all that I had become, with all my fuckups and imperfections, and all without even a tinge of judgment. Why? because here among Destonians is where the principle of oneness and equality is actually lived.

To be continued in part 4

Day 188: Is Desteni a scam? Part 2

Here I am continuing with my first hand testimonial on the Desteni group and principles for which it stands and by which its participants live.

I had left off talking about how I had been investigating Desteni initially from a starting point of wanting/hoping to find something special to fulfill my self interest, and that the more I continued to research it, the more I found out this was not at all what it was about. The forum, for instance, was a place where people could come and learn and share themselves in self honesty, but as soon as a person would come in looking to create friction to get attention, push their own egos or agendas/opinions, they were immediately banned. This obviously was perfectly acceptable from my perspective because as I had mentioned in the previous blog, once I started learning about the principle of oneness and equality, this would be the measuring stick from which all other things would be tested as to whether or not they would stand/be allowed – and obviously being special and pushing your own ego/opinions does not fall in line with that. It was a very cool and very stabilizing experience to, for the first time ever in my life, a guiding principle that I could stand within and as, that was truly what was best for life and therefore able to be lived in absolute certainty and clarity – and experience I had never had before in my life.

There was one particular point that stood out about what it was that Desteni stood for that really set them apart from any other ‘truth seekers’ that I had encountered. While I came across many sources in this time of research that shared interesting or revealing things about our world, most of them tended to be coming from the same starting point that I had come from: looking to find and present something as being special or profound, some kind of ‘ultimate truth’ that was going to blow everybody away. The truth seeking community had become somewhat of a vanity fair, full of energy, excitement, sometimes even on the brink of being outright entertainment. When I mention the ‘truth seeking community’ I refer to the likes of David Icke, Alex Jones, Peter Joseph/Zeitgeist, Michael Tsarion, Jordan Maxwell, Dr. Bill Deagle, David Wilcox, Terrence McKenna, Alex Collier, Bill Cooper – to name a few whose work I was researching at the time.

What I noticed about Desteni is that among all of what was being shared, they had put a focus on the sad state our world is currently in, showing in great detail the degree of suffering and abuse that is taking place on earth. Simple stuff, like for instance animal abuse. Suddenly all the great mysteries revealed and secrets to our Universe were not so special anymore. The truth hit home and it was simple and shameful. This was the clincher, I could now see that this was the real deal, because it was no longer this big spectacle, now it was about practical reality. Because this is what it all comes down to: even if you know everything there is to know about the universe and your great quest for understanding the bigger questions of life is fulfilled – what the hell are you going to do with all of it? Because if it makes no real change to the problems that exist on earth, that all that glory can be of no real value – it is just then Hollywood stuff.

So I began researching quite a bit and after not long it was mainly what I researched, save for all the other links that were shared among the group that were relevant to the Desteni message, such as for instance the movie Earthlings – maybe the most impactful outside link Desteni has ever shared with me.

My life however did continue to have problem and get even tougher, but fortunately I had this support behind me – all of the tools that were shared with me which I could start applying to sort myself and get through tough times – like self honesty and self forgiveness. I even supported myself to quit my addiction to weed for the first time after a brutal 4 year sting of addiction. For the first time in my life I had been enabled through simple, free tools that I could apply for myself to finally stand up for myself, get some real self respect, stability and integrity, and finally learn how to become a responsible human being that cares for life, to let go of the illusions of happiness in my life that I had grown so accustomed to and finally learn about myself and how to really enjoy the life that I have been given.

To be continued in part 3.

Day 187: Is Desteni a scam? Part 1

My name is Adrian Blackburn and I am here to give my perspective on what is referred to as ‘Desteni’, or the ‘Desteni group’ or even the ‘Desteni cult’ by some. One of the reasons for this is that while there are people on the internet who make claims about what Desteni is, it is important to check the source of who it is that one is getting this information from, as with any research. The reason I insist on sharing my perspective is that I have an actual first-hand perspective on this group, as someone who has studied the material of the group extensively, applied and lived by the principles they are sharing, and involved myself physically with the group in ways that include actually meeting with and participating with others involved in it. This is an important point to look at as I have noticed that many who try to defame and slander this group have no actual experience in any of these research areas, and will even make claims that are outright lies about it as I am able to testify from my first-hand witness report. So if you are an independent researcher who is only looking for the truth, here is my story.

Some background info:

I was born in 1984 in Ottawa Canada, originally in a family of 4 but eventually had experienced 2 divorces in my family life. My mother was a hair stylist and my 2 fathers were professional musicians, so these points had a great influence over who I would become in my older years. As a child I was quiet and spent a fair bit of time by myself, didn’t watch much television and was not really placed intensively into any kinds of hobbies or social activities, save for the ones that I took an interest in, like for instance comic books as a young boy.  I began playing some sports casually at age 10 and eventually became very competitive with American football in my later teen years as like many adolescent males I wanted to be seen as a tough guy and finally found a sport that I could compete well in. At the age of 10 I began really getting into music and this was when I began learning how to play the drums, which I eventually took more and more seriously as I got older, and eventually studied at and graduated from a music college in Brighton, England. I had spent a significant amount of time playing in bands until mid 2007 when my main project that I had been putting everything into for a couple of years, had fallen apart due to egos and infighting.

I stumbled onto Desteni in October of 2007 one night while I was up late watching videos on YouTube. At this point in my life, I was quite disenfranchised with my life and the world I was living in, having recently lost interest and faith in the things that I had previously thought were so important in this world, like girlfriends and heavy metal music, I had been on a bit of journey investigating the side of life that no one really ever looks into: questioning the validity of our world and our way of life as a society, our leaders, our version of history and what we as a society place value on. I started to see that things were not as they seemed and behind the illusions we tend to create in our learned behavior of self importance, there was great, great deception and a hidden truth that held the key to understanding who we are and what is really valuable.

And yet while my interests were set on uncovering truth, little did I realize the extent to which I myself was conditioned to be self obsessed and therefore the ulterior motives I had in my ‘truth seeking quest’: that even within this quest, I was still unwittingly looking for a place within it all where I could be special – maybe the special one that figured it all out, for instance.

So on this evening, although the subject was naturally going to interest me, I really had no idea what I was getting into when I clocked on the link to the first Desteni video I ever saw – which in a way was perfect because I had no preconceived ideas about what I was getting into.

What I stumbled onto blew me away, because here was this person suddenly, without any pretension, suddenly just talking in absolute detail about how the human mind works, the complete mechanics of it directly explained in such simplicity that a child could understand it. I then understood more about myself and how human beings work from watching that 10 minute video than I ever had in all my life throughout all of the knowledge and experiences that I had ever attained. What was particularly striking on a level that was beyond knowing, was how this person was speaking – this part I have always had a bit of difficulty explaining, but having had a life where there is so much deceit and un-clarity in the words that people speak, the words this person spoke were the most pure expression I had ever seen. After this first experience, I had a feeling that I was ‘onto something big’.

Naturally I visited the site, started reading the articles, watching more videos, joined the forum and began reading and asking questions there. Everyday became so fascinating – here I had become so tired with living a life of empty dreams and false promises, and finally I was able to start learning about how things really work in this world, about myself – things that I had always considered ‘the bigger questions in life’ had simply become topics of direct and concise explanation from which we could then discuss and also share our questions or perspectives. It was like discovering the most valuable thing ever in existence – myself.

One of my first reactions was then to share it with everyone I knew, expecting that anyone would naturally be as curious as I was to finally understand the big question: what the hell is really going on in this world? Little did I realize that even this question required the degree of self honesty one was required to have by which they could even realize that: they have no idea what is really going on in this reality (and thus any real sense of what was important, what had value, what they are doing with their lives etc.). To my surprise, what I was sharing was met with very little interest, if any. Most wouldn’t even bother to move themselves to check it out for themselves and some of the only responses I did get were just contemptuous judgments without any real consideration – essentially people just wrote it off. Likely that if I had still been stuck in a point in my life where I was busy with whatever I thought was so important, I would have done the same.

Now as I had mentioned, there was an ulterior motive of ‘how can this all benefit me’ in my discovery of Desteni and part of the excitement that came from researching it came from this. This is where it got interesting, because the more I watched the videos the more that I realized that: ‘oh shit, this isn’t what it is about at all’. As many people do, I had made the mistake of associating  the understanding of fundamental truths with some kind of ‘specialness’, like I was discovering some ‘great higher power’ of this apparently amazing and magnificent truth that was so beyond everyone and everyone – great for me!!!! But in fact, as I watched the video more and more I realized the very intent from which my excitement was based was the exact thing from which the problems on earth are based. The truth was not something magnificent or profound – the truth was a simple explanation that all of the self importance from which I had lived and based my life on was just a lie. I realized that the leaders of humanity which I was busy trying to expose as being deceitful were not in fact the true hidden power that deceives – I realized that this hidden, deceitful power that I was vainly seeking to expose, was myself.

Thus the message of Desteni began to become clear: oneness and equality – and this changed everything. Having seen and considered that point that all life was equal, that I was no better or worse from these other people who I had been focusing my attention on, changed everything. Immediately I had realized that no longer could I ever in self honesty blame anyone again. This was another crucial point that came as one of the main pillars of the Desteni message: Self Honesty. Along with oneness and equality, it became obvious common sense that if I am equal, I am no better and no worse, then it is impossible to blame, because inherent in blame is a point of superiority and inferiority. No longer could I in self honesty say that there were people that I could define as those I like or don’t like, those who are friends or enemies, those who are important or not important – from this point of realization, I had to always take into consideration within all future decisions one point from which all other points would be measured as valid or not – oneness and equality.

Here finally, was the answer to why my life, why this world, had become such a strife – and the solution to end all of the conflict and suffering which I had become so weary of. Now, I simply had to learn more.

This blog will be continued in part 2.

Day 186: My freedom and good fortune is temporary

With the world going in the direction that it is, the security of all life on earth is threatened and in reality no one is safe – yet for those who have always experienced a life of security and privilege, the illusion of this experience and the money they currently possess serves as a strong illusory buffer from seeing the reality of things. This is also the case in my life. Sometimes it is difficult to admit to myself how bad things are really going to get because as long as things are working out for me and I have money, I am able to pretend that it is going to be this way forever.

And not only is this a foreseeable future based on the progression of current events, but history has proven this to be the case over and over again. Did anyone imagine or take seriously the possibility of a world war before world war 1 and 2 took place? Not likely as if it were so, such things would have been prevented. Did we as a society use our powers of projection and foresight to see looming genocides like Cambodia and Rwanda take place? Obviously, not because they were allowed to happen.

In a flash, what seems like a calm ordinary way of life can suddenly turn into a living hell, as it has for so many unwitting civilizations. How long would it take for your local community to turn into a living hell if tomorrow the food and water supply were cut off?

Seeing into the future is not some magical ability of prophets, it is a natural skill developed through one’s consistent application of self honesty, meaning to live in reality and always consider all that is here in the physical reality.

Within this realization, the importance of bringing about a better self and a better world (they go hand in hand) become that more urgent. I say this not as a message of fear of personal doom looming, because in self honesty we should be able to recognize that even if our security was not threatened, the security of the lives of others that are constantly being threatened and will continue to be threatened is equally as important as ours. But it doesn’t work that way, does it? So this goes back to why I say bringing about a better self is imperative if you want to bring about a better world, because:

There is war and genocide taking place every day on earth – but you have some thing apparently more important to do.

There are babies being born into lives with no food and water where they will starve to death – but apparently your family is more important than that.

There are animals being slaughtered brutally, painfully and without mercy on an unimaginable scale, but apparently your personal goals and desires are worth more than that.

There are people suffering and going insane because they have no money, no job, no food, no home, no future – but apparently your god is more important than that.

The earth is being raped and the natural equilibrium of the planet which we depend on to exist is being destroyed along with countless special going extinct – but apparently your country and patriotism is more important than that.

And the list goes on and on. What is really important in life? The very question is fundamentally flawed because there is nothing ‘in life’ – there is only life and life itself is important as all of existence in its entirety that is included within the context of what is life!

We’ve got to start getting past our egos and the constant reassurance we are attempting to give ourselves that ‘everything is ok’ and that what we believe is important is so, and consider for real that no one and nothing is special, save for life itself. We’ve got to be willing to give up that which we hold as most special to us in the name of what is best for all life so that our integrity is of the highest nature that it can be, so that we can live a life where our way of life is sustainable, because what we value is all life equal and one, and this is the value that is sustained in place of what we have traditionally always valued – our little ‘bubble worlds’ where apparently some things are more important than others.

If we do not, we will lose everything, eventually – this is guaranteed no matter in which way the scenario on earth plays out, because if this way of life does not come to an end within your lifetime, it will certainly do so at death where finally we can realize – it was all for naught!

Day 185: Happiness Machine

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over love and having a relationship from the perspective of fear of loss; fearing that I will not experience this apparently great and exhilarating feeling/energy of ‘love’ as fear and that if I do not obsess and act based on fear and exist in this fear and believe in it so completely that I attract it completely – that I apparently am ‘missing out’ on something and will not be happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate happiness with en energetic high experience and within this, to through my underlying addiction to energy believe that life is all about being happy – trying to attract the happiness through happiness thoughts that are programmed in and patterned regularly like a happiness robot

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to know when to stop with regards to seeking out relationships as a form of happiness as energy high as an addiction obsession that never ends – not realizing that this is a self perpetuating obsession as the more I continue and do not stop, the more I am missing out on reality and making myself unhappy, from which I then continue to turn to that which I believe to be the solution as the belief that I must obsess over happiness and getting a happy experience/that which I believe makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within my mind in obsession with the desire for happiness, turn all that exist around me into possessions and commodities for the one sole purpose of feeding the happiness machine that exist within me and to view life only from this perspective, blinding me from the actual reality of things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to contextualize my reality and the way I view things/life around me from a starting point of self interest and to from this, believe that I can make a real choice when in fact it is not me making the choice – but rather my self-interest which creates an entire illusion of reality around me where I am the center of it, not realizing that this is not in fact how life works as all life is equal and thus the only real choice that can be made would be that which is best for all life

I commit myself to, in the moment of seeing myself make a decision based on that which will bring me the energetic perceptual experience of happiness, to stop and breathe until the energy dissipates, and to no longer make decisions based on this energy as desire but rather breathe and walk silently, changing my priorities/actions to doing what is best for all life as a solution

I commit myself to dedicate myself in silence to doing that which is best for all life as I silence the mind of personal desires/wants/fears in self honesty and darkness and quiet of the mind is in fact self honesty

I commit myself to no longer make decisions based on what I think is best as opinions/judgments/comparison but to rather walk a physical process of investigation/unfolding to in fact see what is best for all life, here as breath – and to no longer fool myself by trying to fit that which is self interest into an idea of what is best as ‘positive judgments/ideas/opinions’ of what is best as my thoughts/back chat – as what is best for all life cannot exist as thought/backchat but can only exist as real physical action lived here

Day 184: A higher experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for more as something ‘higher’ than what is here as a higher experience of myself where I experience myself on a high as though I am in a higher position that I am currently in on this earth, as if that were actually possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a higher experience of myself exist in reality, not realizing that it can only ever exist in illusion and self abuse

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait for some kind of a higher experience of myself than what is here

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that seeking a higher experience of myself implies I am not embracing myself as that which is really here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to escape that which I have accepted/believed to be a negative experience as the experience of myself here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within/exist as the greed that is the desire for a higher experience as having a higher experience is having more than my fair share of life and to be able to do this I must experience myself in some way as special

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over and have thoughts/backchat about that which gives me some kind of higher experience as the reinforcement of the belief that I am special/more than – compensating for that which I have accepted/believed to be an experience of myself as ‘less than’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within the humbleness and common sense of doing what is necessary to be done to bring about a better self and a better world for all life – but rather allowed myself to be sidetracked/distracted/preoccupied within the desire to be special and have a higher experience of myself, and give more value to this something extra that does not in fact exist but in the belief of my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is more to life than breathing or that there is a higher experience than breathing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand life to such an extent as to believe that there can be to existing than what is here within breath, and that what it is that I believe I want can never be fulfilled/achieved but that rather what is possible here within and as breath is much more and if recognized and lived, will stop this desire to experience something more and leave my breath

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, understand and realize that every moment is equal and to give equal value to every moment as such, not realizing that life can only be lived to its fullest moment by moment, breath by breath

I commit myself to live moment by moment, breath by breath and to stop the desire to have a higher experience of myself when and as the energy/desire to do so arises within me


Day 183: Daily self forgiveness – mind interference

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait for something better

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that there is something better

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to leave my life in the hands of fate and chance

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to structure my living in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from that which is to be prioritized as relevant and important

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wander into the mind, believing that there is something more there as an answer

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust in my mind – even for a moment

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to support myself in every moment as doing that which is pertinent

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see the accumulation of fuck ups in the smaller moments of smaller acceptances and allowances into and as the greater fuckups where I am left harmed

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stop myself when and as I notice the ‘smaller’ moments of falling/not doing that which is best for life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within and as the mind as the realm of desire

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant through ignoring that which I know is best for life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my mind to see the reality that it wants to see in order to preserve itself – not realizing that the mind is an entity unto itself that is not me and is demonic in nature and thus will present a version of reality to suit itself and sustain itself – while ignoring life and actual reality and everything that is to be seen as reality in the process of deluding me – the living being that harbors the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in every moment, I have a choice to make – to remain here in self honesty and move myself – or to shift into the alternate reality of the minds my thoughts and backchat, emotions and feelings – and that in any moment, I am able to STOP the energy that exist within me through and as breath

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to allow the mind to interfere with my life, my living – thus I commit myself to stay the course of breath and writing myself out or speaking myself out in self honesty and self forgiveness

Day 182: Working with backchat as the inner voices

Today through my lesson in the DIP Pro course, I was learning about how backchat works – that means the thoughts in my head that I am having about myself and others, like another voice in my head, speaking back to me. What a strange thing, because there is only me, if one look at it objectively in the physical reality. So then having voices in my head, talking back to me as if there is more than one ‘me’, would indicate a form of multiple personality disorder. And really, who doesn’t have this?

I have learned about how the personalities are entities that I have developed for the sake of survival in different situations and environments, and that these mind personalities were passed on to me by my parents, and in this way I have become an exact copy of my parents, which is quite a scary thing – and this statement I am making has nothing to do with my parents per say but more about the fact that I am just a copy – that these thoughts and ideas can not be me, that is impossible, because it was just copied from those who went before me, without any real awareness of what I was doing. Having said this, it is interesting because I notice that in the moments in my life where I took on a particular point, there was a degree of awareness of what I was doing, of what I was accepting and allowing, but it is as though I immediately turned away from this awareness, turning my back on my self, turning my back on self honesty – so it is no wonder that this kind of behavior becomes pathological and ‘first nature’ and before one knows it, it is simply who they are and any memory or remembering of how they became this way is long lost, and unwittingly they simply believe ‘this is me’ to such an extent that there is not even an awareness that they are actually just believing it.

So within this learning experience has also been stressed the importance of keeping a backchat diary, to actually in the moment of backchat occurring, jot down what is happening and keep a record of it – and already I am noticing particular patterns in my thoughts – this is where it becomes even more clear as to what a scary scenario this all is – I mean, patterns, repeating themselves! Like a robot, a computer – it puts into even greater control the extent to which we are not in fact what our egos would have us believe we are.

Another important point I am seeing within all of this is how crucial it is to not participate in backchat, to not feed it or act on it, because it is obviously an untrustworthy thing by nature, and can have really destructive consequences as the machine is essentially taking me on a ride and I am in no way what whatsoever in any kind of control. Many ‘what if’s’ may come up, as in ‘but what if there is some validity to this point’ or any form of temptation to pursue it as if there may be answers there, so I am going to begin applying myself in stopping those justifications.

The really cool thing about working with backchat is that this is the real shit. Often I (and I’m sure many others) have wanted to and even attempted to sit down and sort themselves out but even then it is quite a challenge because we have no idea how to or where to start, and even in trying to be self honest proves difficult as we have already become self dishonest in nature. In other words, the very thing we are using to look at and assess ourselves with, is our delusion as our mind – and thus it cannot see itself for what it is, clearly – WE cannot see ourselves for what we are, clearly. With backchat – you are physically taking it out on paper and looking at it – no mind – and here is the really shit, the actual factual truth of what is in your mind, whether you like it or not.

This is the place to be, to work to sort ourselves out. I suggest if you have not yet, sign up for the Desteni I Process – you have no idea how much more there is ‘to you’ that you’re missing out on.


I commit myself to keep utilizing my backchat diary every day and every moment that I am able to when backchat occurs, so be able to see the patterns, and then correct the patterns with self forgiveness and self corrective application so that I may stop them/not participate within them with clarity, awareness and understanding.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall to the temptation of the justification of ‘what if this thought has a point/validity/answers/will benefit me?’ – Thus, when and as I see myself participating in backchat and feeding it or wanting to feed it or participate in it – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is not me, but rather it is my mind as an entity designed to limit, control and enslave me, and I do not participate in this desire to give power to backchat by participating in it as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 181: Why do I blog?

One of the aims of writing this blog was to be candid, to expose myself as much as possible as just another human being dealing with the same old shit that everybody is dealing with, to take my ego down a notch and show that I am flawed by design/condition, and as a side effect of this, to possibly assist others to just ‘come out with it’. There are time where I do not want to write because frankly, I am weak, and so feel that I am in no position to lead or speak as some kind of an authority or someone who knows better on a subject – sometimes I am simply in the middle of my own struggle and aware of my own lack of clarity, which really makes me cringe at myself and within this, I will tend to say ‘I don’t have the right to speak on anything’.

But for the sake of this fear of exposure that the ego has, it is those times when it is equally as important to push myself to just write. What I do not want to do however, is glorify the struggle, which I and many artists like myself have tended to do. It is not beautiful, it is not special or unique or any of that bullshit. What I do want to do, is write myself out to the point where I can make some progress on points through my writing, and share this process with others.

There are times where my inner situation is so bad that the initial point of writing and sorting myself out/stabilizing myself is not published because some of the content is just ‘flushing out’ the inner mind garbage so I can reflect it to myself and see directly and with clarity, what it is that I am in fact accepting and allowing. Other times this stuff is not published for the sake of personal protection as our world has become so abusive that we cannot even sometimes share ourselves completely for the fear that someone may take advantage of us – our world is so self dishonest that we have found extensive ways to say that we are apparently in essence not all the same and thus points of self exposure can be abused by those that would take them and say ‘see, this person is evil where I am not’.

I would like to meet one singe human being who does not have nasty, harmful thoughts about others.

The sooner we can get it all out, the sooner we can see that we’re all just the same and that facing ourselves is not such a big deal – let’s just get it out and call it what it is and sort it out.

Ironically enough, we live in a world where abuse is everywhere, the evidence of our inner abuse as our thoughts is everywhere, and yet we justify this endlessly because there is always a valid reason why we can abuse! He is poor – well that’s OK, because….There are people working as prostitutes – well yes, but….There are people murdering each other in wars – yes there are, BUT…..there are animals being slaughtered in unthinkable agony without mercy – well sure, but…. I mean do we even know the definition of the word abuse? Have we lost sight if what it even means and implies? Obviously not because we are consumed by it as our thoughts as the thoughts of who we are that create all of these scenarios must they themselves be abusive in nature to produce such things – and who is really aware of their thoughts all the time, objectively? That means aware of something to a point where you really rigorously test its validity and challenge how it has been reasoned and justified, without any kind of bias or ulterior motive? To look at ourselves as our thoughts in such a way, looks as if it is an entire process, because it is! And this surely does not take place. We simply think, and think and think…and then finally we act. I mean is this level of functionality/operating not what describes the impulsive nature of a simple robot? Input – act – input – act – never mind where that input is even coming from or how it arrived in your mind in the very first place.

But of course you’ll say it came from your mind – you are apparently the one in control who thought it up all by yourself – you wanted it that way! Or if not you, perhaps some other being as benevolent and righteous as you – God, anyone?

See, the more I actually investigate as this process of self inquiry that I mentioned, the more I am concerned by the fact that I am simply not in control – that as much as I would like to think I am in control and that everything is fine, the fact is that I am just a programmed machine who is following the same set of instructions instructed to me by my parents and to them by their parents before – just a copy of a copy of a copy – this is a shock to the ego, if you can even get as far as to admit this without yet again justifying your apparent specialness and free will – are any of us really as important as we would like to think ourselves to be?

But who cares about all of this, as long as everything in your life is taken care of, as long as you are living the life that you want to and most importantly, that you feel fine – ever wonder where too does this feeling of feeling fine actually come from?

I am not saying, become an anarchist, denounce everything, rebel – I am saying; how can we continue to live our lives as we are, without investigating this, thinking that there won’t be any consequences to this?