Day 291: Self Forgiveness from March 27, 2014

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a ‘picture-perfect’ ideal of a woman will satisfy me and make me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to possess beauty and to treat beauty like a commodity to be attained

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘what I want’ in a woman based on the selfish desire to have power, control and commodities, and not based in what will support me to be the best man I can be as a man who cares for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so controlled by my selfish desire for a good life and the fear of failure that I will just look for nice things that make me feel happy and forget about others and only consider myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear another person, like for example my partner in my relationship, becoming selfish and controlled by their own desire for happiness and success and will forget me in this process – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to understand that my fear of another person doing this to me is in fact a fear about myself doing it to others, and that the only way to stop this fear is to ‘treat others how I want others to treat me’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate sexual desires with people who present images of beauty

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by images of ‘beautiful people’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that when I make beauty into a commodity that I desire, I will want to experience this beauty because I fear loss, I fear to not be loved and I fear to be alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and to fear not being loved by another

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not love myself, I can not love another and that if I desire to have love from others because I do not love myself, I will be weak because I my want for love will be more important than others and my need for love will stop me from loving myself and others

Day 290: “Just Keep Moving” – Persistence

Today the word persistence was brought to my intention – it is sticking with me at the moment because this is a word that I can see will be important to learn and integrate into my living, if I am going to ever really create the life that is best for all life. It goes hand in hand with consistency, another important point that has been difficult for me to learn and integrate in my process – perhaps I have not been persistent enough to be consistent.

Another reason why this word struck a chord for me is that my mind interferes with my process a whole fucking lot – meaning, even though the process is about stopping the mind, I have been using it for so long that I do not necessarily always see myself and from what starting point I am acting from, so I will tend to make the mistake of trying to solve my problems with the mind, even by turning ideas of stopping the mind into mind systems that misdirect me – do you still follow me? It’s a tricky situation, because I have a tendency to constantly judge things and the more I think and judge, the less I see that I am judging and try to use judgments as thoughts to try and direct myself/my world – not a recommended way.

I have seen the importance within this of doing physical work – or in other words, living, but it is living without the mind, being here as just a physical being, directing myself in the moment without my mind influencing me and using physical actions to support myself, such as for instance writing.

This is where persistence is require, because it is so easy to just get lazy. To just sit there and think, and every moment that I spend not moving myself, not directing myself, not doing an activity that is specifically supportive to me within the context of my process – is another moment accumulated thinking. I often trap myself into sitting around and thinking by believing that ‘rest and quiet is what I need’ (doing nothing) because apparently I need it, or I am not ready, or I can’t do it, or what if I fail? – these are the excuses I use with myself.

But I noticed something very interesting today. Today was a day where I scheduled myself to be very busy, where, from 8am to 5pm, I had a number of different things to do which all took maybe 30 minutes to 2 hours each. Because of this constant movement, and essentially ‘having no time to stop and think’, I had to simply live – and it was rather cool. I can see the difference in my beingness, my awareness, when I have spent time living in the mind versus when I have spent time really living as just a physical being – the latter is really a cool experience, the former, not cool at all.

So I see that the key to supporting myself is to be persistent with myself – to push myself to move, to live, no matter what – and that this does not need to be a stressful or difficult experience. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the things that I have to do during the day and this is another reason for sometimes giving up on myself and stalling/thinking/procrastinating. But I can only live one moment at a time – an old cliché – once again, the answers to life are so simple – they only require to be lived and applied in a world where the mind complicates everything.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to move me and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be persistent in moving myself in every single moment, through the fear of living and the fear of failure or making a mistake – I allow me to move me and live here, without self doubt, fear or any form of mind interference as thought – I commit myself to, when and as I see myself in moments where I am stagnant/not moving/not working towards something, to recognize such moments and immediately find a point within which I can move myself – and to not further stall by trying to decide which point to do or how it will be done or any other form of mind projecting – but to simply, stop thinking, breathe, and move myself onto the next activity in the moment.

 

Day 289: Love is as a dependency and the need for attention

In the last post, I mentioned the point of a need/desire to have a sense/experience of having power and control in a relationship, from either a dominant or submissive position in the relationship as both positions carry their respective bargaining strengths in the negotiating process that relationships have become – a business in a tug-of-war for profit (power).

So from this point I wanted to write about the point of how we get this experience of having control/power through getting attention from others, which we call ‘love’. No matter what it is that we are seeking from others, in order to first get it, we need attention. Sometimes, what exactly we need becomes secondary and just the overall need for attention – as the underlying premise/knowingness that the other is here to submit to you and serve you – will suffice.

I noticed that this way in which we create an importance on getting attention, we then associate the experience of getting attention with ‘love’. You see it everywhere in relationships. You have liked experienced this to some degree or another yourself – where, in an experience where you wanted/believed you needed attention from another person, and did not get it, you suddenly went into an experience of feeling bad or sad or hopeless or like you are not important or ‘unloved’. I mean one could even be something as simple as the last time you sent and instant message to someone and they did not reply – and you took it personally. I have had this experience for as long as I have had relationships and as long as this is the way we are defining ‘love’ and believing that we need this experience of ‘love’, our relationships will always fall because they are always based in dependency and fear of loss. I mean it has been the same pattern in all my relationships – this need for ‘love’ as attention, which just increases and increases, like a drug addiction where you need a bigger dose every time, and then, before you even know it happened, the whole thing has just become complete dependency and control. It all just begins with not being intimate and honest with ourselves and embracing the beings that we are, and then from this, believing that we need others to complete us. We become so possessed by this belief (which is a self-defeating self-belief) that other people sometimes just look so ‘special’ and ‘great’, and we put them on a pedestal and fear to lose them so extensively. What kind of love is that? Then, when the ‘attention love fix’ no longer works, partners goes their separate ways and disengage – suddenly that person who we feared to lose so much is just another normal person. Insanity.

I am not saying that paying attention is not real. When we are able to exist as self fulfilled individuals, without this desire/dependency, then our attention becomes a much more natural, seemingly spontaneous, relevant and supportive act, where it is practical and conducive to life. Because the for of love as attention that we are used to is so fake and so flawed that we tend to just quantify it: “well if this person gives me X amount of attention, then it means they love me X amount” – it is so fake that this is why people can be fake and cheat each other and give the appearance that they care when they are only in fact motivated deep down by their own self interest. It becomes especially hard to see when we ourselves have not cleared ourselves of this point through being completely honest with ourselves.

There are times where, due to this frustration with never being fulfilled in this never ending quest for more and more attention, and the massive problems that it creates, I have wanted to just say “fuck it, fuck all relationships, fuck all people” – and just isolate myself. What I recently realized is that the problem is not with others – although they may share the same destructive habit that I do – the problem is with ME and this belief and desire and the dependency and selfishness and greed that it creates. I don’t have to say ‘fuck others’ – that would suck – what I can say is “fuck this dependency, fuck this self belief, fuck this inferiority and insecurity that has enslaved and controlled me so extensively and made me into a loveless slave master of others” – that is really the point that we don’t need and can give up at any time – and it is amazing – all that we feared losing all along may even end up falling right into our lap – the only difference is that then, the real challenge emerges: creating and designing a real relationship that is not based in dependency and the need to have power and control over others in order to feel good about oneself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look towards others for my own happiness – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this desire stems from the way in which I have abandoned myself and not lived my life to the fullest, unconditionally, which has created this self belief as inferiority and the need for attention which I then experience and believe to be love – thus I commit myself to identify moments in which I am wanting/expecting attention and to see in these moments how I have defined/equated love according to the experience of getting attention – I stop these habits and patterns and tendencies as I see, realize and understand that getting attention from others in no way means love and thus I stop and disengage from all moments where the tendency arises to quantify love as getting attention, as this desire arises within the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath and no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by this desire.

Day 288: Male/Female dynamics

Today I was observing some classmates interact. There are 4 classmates of mine, 2 of which are male, 2 of which are female, who I often see interact and I noticed 2 particular instances that I might of normally not noticed if it were not for having started to learn about equality (and gender inequality) through studying the Desteni material. I have been so accustomed to playing the role of being a typical straight male in the western world, that there is so much that I took for granted and just saw as normal – I mean I never even noticed or questioned.

The first observation was one of the guys teasing one of the girls. I don’t even know what it was about, but it was fascinating to see from a distance as the body language was put into focus. It was clearly observable who was teasing who, and the degree of passivity expressed by the female, the degree of ‘no fight back’ and the tendency to just sort of accept the whole thing. I’m not saying that fighting back is the answer, I merely observed this dynamic and realized that I never see the same thing, roles reversed, with females being more outspoken and aggressive, and males just kind of shying away from the imposition and passively playing along with it.

The second observation was when one of the guys put his book down, he perched it on top of the head of one of the girls – and she just sat there with the book on her head – same kind of passive acceptance – until he picked it up off her head again. Now maybe this is just my big ego talking, but I wouldn’t of put up with that shit…unless the girl was pretty enough…that was a joke which illustrates my point.

I noticed that males tend to assume a lot about their behavior and what boundaries are acceptable or not. That males, in some ways, tend to think we can get away with more. I notice an intrinsic tendency to treat females as weaker or more submissive, as if they naturally actually are that passive – this can’t be true because no gender is born with a specific kind of personality, and there is a MASSIVE history of relationship dynamics between men and women – using and abusing each other – that has shaped the way we design our personalities according to our gender.

It is like the whole point with younger people, like teenagers, where when a guy picks on a girl, a common explanation is that ‘it is because he likes you’ – ever heard that one before?

Yes perhaps a the man does like the woman in such cases – but not for the right reasons – they ‘like’ them simply because they have found a person who fits the mold of what the believe they want and this often involves finding someone who is passive and weak enough that the man can have some degree of perceived power and control over them.

I did it.

And I know that I am no exception. But here again is the problem which is that this program is so prevalent that it is one of the base programs of the matrix that we often never even come to question. I’m sure that many men are not even aware that they do this, just as I was not. As men, we have to question our desires and what they really stem from – this is why for instance men cannot just approach women and speak to them directly, they just play all kinds of games instead. I used to be so enthralled/possessed by the image of ‘beautiful women’ that this was all nearly impossible for me to question, and I merely thought my issue with women was purely about lust – when really that lust is just about the addiction to the energetic experience of perceived power over another – the visual image of the woman is just symbolic of one who is also playing the game themselves, they are making it clear that they are ‘game’ or ‘fair game’, and that is why we get so excited by this look, at a more subconscious level.

We as men are going to need to give up our desire to have power and control over another in order to feel some better about ourselves and look at how and why we have created this desire in the first place. For women, I would suggest to stop using the point of being an object to be desired as if there is some kind of power in it – there is none – both sides are fools and slaves in such a game. I have heard many women say that they focus on their looks ‘for them’ and not for others – that is simply not so.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have power and control over another to have an experience where I fell better about myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I have abandoned myself and not given myself the self love, self support and responsibility to live to my fullest and be the best that I can be, which is what created this desire to control others in the first place.

 

When and as I see myself trying to have power/control over others in relationships – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire is based in a lack of understanding of the problem and an attempt to fix a problem without understanding – thus within breath I see, realize and remember that I am the directive principle and thus to have a better experience of myself, I must live myself to the fullest and stop concerning myself with what others are doing in order to have some kind of power/sway over them.

Day 287: Positive Illusions and the desire to control

Recently stress has been occurring in my life due to my attempts to control things that are simply out of my control. I have been attempting to control things from the starting point of believing that “this thing is a good thing, and thus I must hold onto it, I must maintain and sustain it”. It is really only due to this belief that I have struggled and become so stressed because if I were to let go of this belief, I would not simply fear losing the point but rather consider who I am without it and who I will decide to be without .

By believing that this point is ‘good’ from a starting point of believing that I need it or that I will be worse-off without out it or I am missing something. So much needless stress and anxiety could have been averted if I had simply questioned my belief.

I know I am being vague and not specific about what exactly this particular point is, but it is interesting because now that I see the principle of what I am describing through being general/vague, I can see how it applies to so much in my life, so many others points, and also applicable to so many other people in this world. It is the one thing that keeps us from really changing for the better: the belief that what we already have is positive. We hold onto positive illusions and fear the negativity of reality, when in fact the only positivity that can ever exist, exists within letting go of all illusions, no matter how seemingly positive, and simply remaining here in physical reality so that we can direct it in a way that is best for all life.

Now what remains for me is only the fear of others judging and misunderstanding me for letting go of/disengaging in what is believed to be positive. But if I fear this point, if I react to this point, it is only showing that I too still fear letting go of this point and have doubt/uncertainty about it. If I am ever to expect others to come to the same understanding or to be able to support others in any way to break free of their own positive illusions, I have to be absolute in my standing, I can not allow myself to fear or react when others judge or misunderstand. Even if I go into the other extreme/polarity of fighting with others or trying to prove something to others, I am in fact tacitly still supporting these positive illusions by fearing losing them or still believing that they are so real that I fear their might and power over me through their power and might over others – when others are really just under positive illusions, nothing more, no matter how real they make it seem.

Thus the point is to remain honest with self in every breath, to not react or fear but rather trust self through self honesty, and simply explain or clarify to those who misunderstand/judge if necessary or even possible – in many cases I will need to be ready to have others simply judge, misunderstand, get nasty even – and still just remain here within and as breath, trusting myself, being honest with myself, and within this, establishing myself and what is really real in this reality as my self directive principle – I trust myself to remain here in self honest common sense and do not allow myself to be influenced by the grip of fear from the positive illusions I have created which only serve to enslave me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of that which I believe is positive, or to try to fight to let go of it or somehow prove that it is not positive – when in fact all that is necessary is to remain here within and as breath and direct myself to not give into fear/desire. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require a point that I have defined as positive/good that exist outside/separate from myself in order to live and thus fearing that if I lose this point, I will somehow be worse off or damned.

I commit myself to no longer stand by that which I have come to believe is positive, and when the tendency/urge arise to act on this belief as actions that are designed to sustain and maintain these positive illusions that I have created – I stop, I breathe, I remain here as breath and I do not allow myself to succumb to fear as self doubt, but rather trust myself through sticking to breath and giving myself the credit and self support that I do not require points of positivity that exist separate from me in order to live and have a fulfilled, dignified life – thus I do not give into this fear as desire to hold onto, defend or fight for illusions, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I embrace myself here in self trust as breath.

Day 286: Taking chances

 

I ended off in the last post where I mentioned that I had goals that really matter, within the context of the post which was about basically how I get sidetracked by desires that I believe help me or make my living experience better when they do not in fact. I mentioned the importance of being self honest in assessing whether or not my actions are actually conducive to these goals, or if I am just wasting my time.

Both today and yesterday I had experiences where I was trying to physically get somewhere, both driving and on the bus. In both trips, I got lost, because I did not follow directions. I took a chance and acted as if I can just trust myself without really knowing/being clear/having direction. Was ‘kind of sure’ what I was doing. That is not good enough. I mean, when you make a decision, and you direct yourself according to that decision, you either do it or you don’t – all the way through the process of carrying out that decision. This is an overall tendency I have had in my life where I feel like I can ‘wing it’. Why do this when it is not necessary? Why take a chance when I know exactly what to do? What is the point of having knowledge if I do not apply it? What is the point of being here if I do not direct myself? And if I am not following my own directions – whose directions am I following?

Sometimes I get a sense of freedom from ‘doing whatever I want’, like I have associated giving into my mental impulses with some form of freedom. This is not so because freedom is like a kind of paradox where it goes hand in hand with self responsibility. Freedom is only possible if I am self responsible. But then it is not really freedom – it is just taking responsibility to live who I am – the creator who is capable of creating a life and a world that is best. If I do this, then there is no need for an experience of freedom, it would be redundant because I have already created a life that is best. This life that is best must be what is best for all life as well. So, I have the tools – I must apply them because there is no point in taking chances – taking chances is the birth of uncertainty and ignorance as to the outcome of the future, and that is the birth of fear of the future.

Day 285: Self support when reacting to another

So today I had a negative reaction to another person in my world, for points that I observed about them that I consider to be not cool and problematic. What is interesting about observation, is that we as humans tend to project ourselves onto that which we are observing. What is even more interesting is that every human being tends to exist the same way in essence, so it can be rather confusing because: here I am in a situation where what I may be observing in another is real: yet if I am reacting to it, my reaction is not real, but rather a projection of myself of how I am actually existing within and as the same point – that is why we tend to react to others by judging and blaming them, rather than having the self directive principle through insight and understanding to be able to assist, support and direct them. So it is always important to take the point back to self, which requires the application of self honesty – identify what it is that self is reacting to, and look for where self may be living out the same points. Once this is done and self is no longer accepting and allowing self to participate in the same points, then it is possible to assist, support and direct another with effectiveness to also stop the same points for themselves. From writing in my journal about today’s experience of reacting to another, I have identified the following points, which pertain to blogs I have been writing recently which have been oriented around the tendency to want to be accepted by others and seen/viewed a particular way where I please others, within a starting point of fear and survival. Here are the points I identified in today’s writing:

Ok, so I have to clarify these points that I am reacting to: the desire to be attractive and be perceived by others as being attractive. The desire to get attention from others and have a nice experience with others. The tendency to use relationship experiences with others as a way of stagnating myself, where my starting point in interaction with others is not specific, direct or self expression, but rather just ‘looking for a good time’, and through creating the experience of ‘just having a good time’, I am drugging myself with distractions and laziness that keeps me from self movement and truly being effective with my time – additional to this, is also the point of not just moving myself because I have to, but developing that point of specificity in moment to moment management wherein each moment accumulates to a point that is practical – I mean, I have things to take care of, sort out, and get done in my time here on earth, and I have to be self honest about assessing whether or not my actions in every moment are conducive to those goals, or not.

Got to get to sleep – will continue this in the next post.

Day 284: Focusing on other people

This post is just a few self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of desiring an experience of comfort/escape/security through not being alone, and being in contact with others, focusing on others. The problem with this is that if the living of others can make you feel these positive feelings, then the living of others can also influence me negatively, if there is for instance something about their living which I can not accept because I see it as a problem. So it is fascinating how through the desire for an experience of comfort and security, we end up creating the opposite experience of uneasiness and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time within the belief/justification that “I am tired” or “I need a break” – as I realize how deceptive the mind is in getting oneself to believe that it is necessary to stop and stagnate and not initiate self movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my process is dependent on the process of others – and within this, fearing the fact that others are not actively engaging in process, and fearing having to engage them eventually inevitably when there may be some kind of disagreement or perceived differences – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear is in fact just a fear of myself not being directive enough to be as effective as possible in my process, and that I am only projecting myself as this fear and thus the solution is to stop all fear/judgment/projection of others and simply move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process – as all things – is always experienced alone, by oneself alone – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can run away and escape by utilizing others as a way of generating energy and having some kind of higher experience of myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the key to life and enjoying myself and security and being happy, is being around/with others and being in agreement with others in all things, that I have allowed myself to believe that another can save me or make me happy

I commit myself to direct myself effectively here as breath in moments where I desire to stagnate and do what is not practical within the justification/belief that I must rest or I have ‘free time’

I commit myself to, when and and as I see myself projecting myself onto others – to stop, breathe and direct myself to simply STOP and note the point immediately so I can bring it back to myself and my own life, when I have a moment to write about it – as I see, realize and understand that all concerns/judgments of this nature are always about self, and about the fear of others which is in fact the fear of how I am existing and that the desire to worry about others and focus on them is another trick of the mind to not have me direct myself and look at myself

I commit myself to direct myself as what is necessary to be done in my process in focusing on me and doing what I must do to support and direct myself, and to stop the fear of others misunderstanding/reacting badly to this

I commit myself to focus on me here in sorting myself out, and to no longer use others as some kind of ‘nice feeling safety net’ where I can escape through being with others and focusing on others, or even believing that I am sharing my process with others – that is again how tricky my mind is

 

Day 283: Exploring Sexuality

A point that I have not investigated much throughout my process is the point of sexuality and sexual expression. This has been a daunting point to take on due to my history of being a typical male, or even ‘alpha male’ who is just concerned with finding beautiful women and experiencing sex as an energetic fix, an addiction, a dependency on another to be satisfied and enjoy myself. I have not embraced this point as much as I would like to. I have not allowed myself to practice as much as I would like to the act of exploring sexuality as a physical being, without being driven by energy, thoughts, mental imagery and imagination – this also applies to masturbation. What is challenging about this point along with all points in process is the very fact that it is a process, and that this kind of development takes time and patience. I mean, the first few times I’ve tried expressing myself sexually as a physical being – just breathing and being here, no mind – it has been difficult! It has not felt natural and of course when things aren’t easy we tend to want to give up. Here I see the importance of consistent effort and application, and without having any expectations. That is one problem with sex – the starting point is always wanting and desiring the energetic high experience of a climax, an orgasm, trying to ‘get somewhere’ rather than a self expression, a self discovery. That is the point of ‘getting back to the physical’ – is to move self to explore and discover self, not from a starting point of an idea of what self must be, but as an actual emergent expression. It is fascinating because if you look at effective forms of study in this world, like for instance effective science, that is basically what we do – we just discover what is already here – and that process of discovering what is here comes much more naturally and without friction if it is simply done in the moment as a physical act, without any mind ideas/expectations, beliefs.

So, now it is time to get sexy! And I see that I react a bit when I say a word like this because it is still invoking all kinds of connotations I adopted in the past about sexuality, as being from a starting point of lust and self interest. But sexy doesn’t need to mean that. Sex can actually be innocent, sex can be something that we don’t need to be ashamed of, sex can be something where we do not become envious or jealous because it is not done in self interest and spite, and within a whole socially-structured game of trying to win where it is all about getting what one wants. I mean sex in it’s truest form, ideally should be innocent, though I have not expressed or experienced this so much myself, I can see the point, because how can a point of who we really are be intrinsically bad? It is not, we just make it that way and then sex and sexuality becomes this taboo topic that everyone is supposed to not talk about openly and with simplicity and directness. How sad is it that we are missing out on real sexual expression just because of how we have shaped sexuality from a starting point of self interest, and then judged and demonized ourselves for doing so? And again, the same applies to masturbation.

Yesterday I had an experience where I looked at my hand and I started to notice it from a certain perspective, and all of a sudden I was fascinated. It looked so surreal, like it wasn’t me, like it was this alien, animalistic, designed meat-creature-thing. I had this experience as a young child and it was explained to me once that this is due to not in fact being one and equal to the body, but rather existing within and as the mind. So this experience shows the importance of getting back in touch with the body, reintegrating myself into and as the body, because I am separate from it, and if I am separate from it, I can not direct it – what would then be the point of even being here!? As a self support tool, I am able to utilize sexuality and sexual expression as a key in this process of reintegration, where sex is transformed from the energetic experience I always knew it to be, into one of self movement and self discovery – without any preconceived ideas or conditions. We tend to trust our ideas, beliefs and perceptions because we have abdicated ourselves so extensively for so long to knowledge as a higher power – and we tend to completely take for granted and miss that which is here which seems simplistic and mundane – when in reality, when we embrace that which we tend to take for granted, a whole new world opens up that we never before could have even conceived of.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to explore sexuality from a starting point of remaining here as a physical being, moving myself within and as breath, allowing myself to explore and discover myself unconditionally and without ideas/wants/beliefs/desires/expectations

I commit myself to explore sexuality here as breath as an unconditional self expression

Day 282: Why do things turn sour when I desire to have a good relationship?

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After doing some ranting and raving today – giving myself the time and patience to just write out what I am experiencing emotionally, what my fears, worries and concerns are – I began to see even more into this point of being a people-pleaser and the belief that if I give others what they want and stimulate them into a positive experience of themselves, they will view me well and thus I will be rewarded. So, this is clearly beginning to look like a big point for me, the desire to be someone special in the eyes of others.

Recently I had an experience where essentially a person became angry with me for no real reason other than their own frustration – it was one of those times, you know, you have probably experienced it before, where someone just flips out on you and you totally did not see it coming as it was undeserving. As a result of this person becoming angry, they have decided to try and extort me as this person holds some material assets of mine as the person had offered to me to hold onto these things for free. I accepted, perhaps unwittingly. The person then began asking me if they could have some of the items, and I said I was unable to give it to them, not thinking anything of it – and this was the point where the person snapped, as if I had wronged her. All of this came as a surprise as the person is actually considerably affluent compared to myself. If I knew it was that big of a deal, I would have given the stuff – but not having very much money at all at this point in time did not incline me to say ‘yes’. The person is now trying to extort me through telling me that if I want my things, I must pay them rent. None of this is justified in any way – not even according to a system that is already grossly unfair – but as I’m finding out lately, there exist people who will simply only ever attempt to take advantage of others and they most often come with a smile on their face.

Anyways, not sure if all those details matter, but this experience bothered me. I tried to tell myself things, like I did not care about the stuff, to be able to let go of the experience of emotions and feeling and thoughts that I was going through, but it persisted and here I am writing about it today. What I found through ranting and raving about the point was that the essence of what made me react was the experience of another becoming angry at me and losing something as a result of this. So, the same way I have associated being perceived positively by others with having success and gains in life, I have associated being perceived negatively by others with loss and possibly ‘losing out’ and having a more difficult life because of my loss. Why have I never allowed myself to live in a way where others can simply recognize who I am for who I really am? Why has the recognition of who I am never been real, simple, direct? I mean there is a vast difference between something thinking your great, versus simply recognizing a point – which should have no added energetic perceptual value of ‘this person is great’ or ‘this person sucks’.

Because I have never recognized myself as who I really am as a physical being, I have identified with the mental projection which is thus what I influence and encourage others to only recognize me as. This is the only background I am able to account for that explains why this experience with this person happened: I made the kind of impression that would have this person like me because they realized that I was the kind of person they could expect to please them – and perhaps even take advantage of – and all of a sudden when I can no longer be taken advantage of, the person goes into the opposite polarity mental experience.

I’ve utilized personality characters that I specifically designed to make a positive impression on people and get attention and become a popular person – however this system is one that is not sustainable as it is not real and always inevitably moves to the opposite polarity as I have demonstrated above. It is also the same reason why my relationship life has been a revolving door and I have met people who do the same as I – and we just end up trying to please each other so we can get something, eventually and inevitably ending up resentful towards each other when it no longer works. This tendency to stimulate others is really habitual, and comes up as like a form of fear of others/anxiety, so I am going to have to stop the fear of not doing this and no longer bully myself into submitting myself to what I believe others want me to be, of fearing how others might react to me for just being me, just being here – that fear is rather the fear of how I am currently existing because deep down I know that if I am existing this way, then eventually people are going to react negatively to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the engrained habit of reacting to others out of fear of others as the belief that I must be something/someone that I am not in order to be liked by others and thus survive, is actually a sure path to having others not liking me and threatening my life because it will always inevitably end up in hate and disdain and a parting of ways because the positivity was never real in the first place, but only based on fear of others based on how I believe myself to be separate from others through self interest and ego.

I commit myself to stop the tendency to react to others in a way where I am pleasant and attempt to stimulate them in a positive way, like for instance saying nice things that I know they will like because it feeds their ego or being entertaining or making jokes – any kind of point of stimulation – when the desire to react to others this way arises because I feel an internal fear/pressure to react to others this way, I stop, I breathe and I continue to do this no matter how tough it is or how intense the fear is or no matter how long it lasts, as I see, realize and understand that this fear is not real, it is not me but just what I believe I must be – I breathe until the energy passes and I do not accept and allow myself to give into this desire to be stimulating as an internal pressure that I place on myself from a starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not given myself the self love, self honesty, self trust, and self support to not give into the desire to have others like me and rather live a life of real value, even though it is not ‘exciting’ or ‘stimulating’ to others, to actually instead remain here as breath no matter what comes up