After doing some ranting and raving today – giving myself the time and patience to just write out what I am experiencing emotionally, what my fears, worries and concerns are – I began to see even more into this point of being a people-pleaser and the belief that if I give others what they want and stimulate them into a positive experience of themselves, they will view me well and thus I will be rewarded. So, this is clearly beginning to look like a big point for me, the desire to be someone special in the eyes of others.
Recently I had an experience where essentially a person became angry with me for no real reason other than their own frustration – it was one of those times, you know, you have probably experienced it before, where someone just flips out on you and you totally did not see it coming as it was undeserving. As a result of this person becoming angry, they have decided to try and extort me as this person holds some material assets of mine as the person had offered to me to hold onto these things for free. I accepted, perhaps unwittingly. The person then began asking me if they could have some of the items, and I said I was unable to give it to them, not thinking anything of it – and this was the point where the person snapped, as if I had wronged her. All of this came as a surprise as the person is actually considerably affluent compared to myself. If I knew it was that big of a deal, I would have given the stuff – but not having very much money at all at this point in time did not incline me to say ‘yes’. The person is now trying to extort me through telling me that if I want my things, I must pay them rent. None of this is justified in any way – not even according to a system that is already grossly unfair – but as I’m finding out lately, there exist people who will simply only ever attempt to take advantage of others and they most often come with a smile on their face.
Anyways, not sure if all those details matter, but this experience bothered me. I tried to tell myself things, like I did not care about the stuff, to be able to let go of the experience of emotions and feeling and thoughts that I was going through, but it persisted and here I am writing about it today. What I found through ranting and raving about the point was that the essence of what made me react was the experience of another becoming angry at me and losing something as a result of this. So, the same way I have associated being perceived positively by others with having success and gains in life, I have associated being perceived negatively by others with loss and possibly ‘losing out’ and having a more difficult life because of my loss. Why have I never allowed myself to live in a way where others can simply recognize who I am for who I really am? Why has the recognition of who I am never been real, simple, direct? I mean there is a vast difference between something thinking your great, versus simply recognizing a point – which should have no added energetic perceptual value of ‘this person is great’ or ‘this person sucks’.
Because I have never recognized myself as who I really am as a physical being, I have identified with the mental projection which is thus what I influence and encourage others to only recognize me as. This is the only background I am able to account for that explains why this experience with this person happened: I made the kind of impression that would have this person like me because they realized that I was the kind of person they could expect to please them – and perhaps even take advantage of – and all of a sudden when I can no longer be taken advantage of, the person goes into the opposite polarity mental experience.
I’ve utilized personality characters that I specifically designed to make a positive impression on people and get attention and become a popular person – however this system is one that is not sustainable as it is not real and always inevitably moves to the opposite polarity as I have demonstrated above. It is also the same reason why my relationship life has been a revolving door and I have met people who do the same as I – and we just end up trying to please each other so we can get something, eventually and inevitably ending up resentful towards each other when it no longer works. This tendency to stimulate others is really habitual, and comes up as like a form of fear of others/anxiety, so I am going to have to stop the fear of not doing this and no longer bully myself into submitting myself to what I believe others want me to be, of fearing how others might react to me for just being me, just being here – that fear is rather the fear of how I am currently existing because deep down I know that if I am existing this way, then eventually people are going to react negatively to me.
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the engrained habit of reacting to others out of fear of others as the belief that I must be something/someone that I am not in order to be liked by others and thus survive, is actually a sure path to having others not liking me and threatening my life because it will always inevitably end up in hate and disdain and a parting of ways because the positivity was never real in the first place, but only based on fear of others based on how I believe myself to be separate from others through self interest and ego.
I commit myself to stop the tendency to react to others in a way where I am pleasant and attempt to stimulate them in a positive way, like for instance saying nice things that I know they will like because it feeds their ego or being entertaining or making jokes – any kind of point of stimulation – when the desire to react to others this way arises because I feel an internal fear/pressure to react to others this way, I stop, I breathe and I continue to do this no matter how tough it is or how intense the fear is or no matter how long it lasts, as I see, realize and understand that this fear is not real, it is not me but just what I believe I must be – I breathe until the energy passes and I do not accept and allow myself to give into this desire to be stimulating as an internal pressure that I place on myself from a starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have not given myself the self love, self honesty, self trust, and self support to not give into the desire to have others like me and rather live a life of real value, even though it is not ‘exciting’ or ‘stimulating’ to others, to actually instead remain here as breath no matter what comes up