For a long time in my life I have had tendency to be reactive, I mean, this generally describes most people, but in my case I use the expression ‘jump the gun’ – because it is the kind of thing that we call ‘taking initiative’ or ‘acting first’ or ‘act quickly’ – it is based on competitive conditioning and based on the notion that if I am the first to act, the first to get there, the first to do the right thing, the first to have the answer – if I am first and I act now, I will be the winner apparently. Within the context of our currently world system, this is unfortunately true in many cases, however, these systems are busy collapsing and they simply don’t work any more, which is why I am looking at this point and recognize that it requires to be addressed and stopped. It comes from the kind of conditioning we get in for instance school when children are stimulated to want to be the first one to raise their hand and give the correct answer to the teacher.
Of course this point of wanting to be first and win is based on the fear of loss, and when I look at examples of how this point arises in my daily experiences as my thoughts, the fear of loss as motivation becomes evident. It came up today (and has come up a few other times recently, as thoughts do tend to be patterned) as the fear that another person would not understand something that is crucial to understand – that they would not ‘get it’, and as a result this would apparently not be good for them. This is a form of mental projection as it is in fact me that perceives them ‘not figuring it out’ to be bad for me, through projecting some ideal that others must understand that which matters to me – as if I am looking for agreement in some worldview – what is the point of this? If I were really about supporting others, I would stop this fear within myself – in fact I would only focus on myself and stopping all fears within myself so that I can stand as the living example for others – whether they take to it or not and realize a point of self responsibility or not should not dictate who I am and my own process – and ultimately, if I am really standing absolutely, then it would be a certainty that inevitably – all will understand, all will ‘get it’, because my standing is so absolute that I will stand as the example eternally, for as long as required to support life as myself.
So, within this point of reacting/initiating/taking immediate action, I see now that I have equated/associated talking/action with ‘making a difference for the better’, in a kind of what where it is like more is better, faster is better than slower – this is how this fear as the desire to act/react is justified. But it is fascinating, because I have noticed for instance that sometimes I have spoken a lot, too much, and spoken more and more, and even got to the point of repeating myself – and yet no impact is made in the lives of others. Conversely, I have seen times where I have remained silence when no speaking/action is necessary as it would simply not be effective at particular times, and then when I do speak when it is appropriate, it may take only a few simple words to very effectively assist, support and direct another.
I can see that we as a society to tend to talk – a lot – and get nothing done. Nothing really changes. It looks lively, it is very stimulating, it can be exciting and entertaining – but is it real, in terms of actually making real progress, in terms of really experiencing and expressing ourselves?
So I have copied this behavior and often times it is this behavior that stimulates me to just copycat – there is that pressure sometimes (which I really place on myself) to respond, like I must respond, I must validate this person and all they have talked about which reflects what they believe and how they think – or else maybe they won’t like me so much, maybe I won’t get favoritism from them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that more is better than less, that faster is better than slower, within the desire to act quickly/react/initiate, based within the fear of loss and the belief that if I am not the first to act and act quickly and act a lot, then I will apparently lose – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this fear of loss onto others as the fear of them losing, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my fear of others losing/not finding their way is actually a projection of myself because I am not standing absolutely and from this perspective I am creating this scenario by not standing and thus ensuring that neither of us will self realize/find our way
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply copy and mimic others as the act of speaking a lot and making a lot of commotion/energy/interaction/stimulation, only because I fear how others will react if I do not and that I will disappoint them or that they will see me as not valuable or not contributing – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always believe that acting/reacting/talking is always the solution and always going to make a difference
I commit myself to stop the tendency to react and want to speak and say the right things and to justify such desires with the fear of loss as the belief that I must act and help others, as I see, realize and understand that such a reaction is a projection of myself within the awareness that I must stand for/as myself
When and as I see myself talking a lot/having the desire arise to talk/react/act quickly/say a lot – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this behavior as reaction is not effective as it is based in fear if loss and copying others and thus it is not directive, and thus I assess immediately in he moment if speaking/acting is in fact effective or if I am just doing it out of fear as a desire to appease others and pacify my own fears – and thus when I see myself reacting, I do not participate in these reactions/the desire to react as it arises in actions, words, thoughts, and energy