Day 263: The desire to act as reACTions

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For a long time in my life I have had tendency to be reactive, I mean, this generally describes most people, but in my case I use the expression ‘jump the gun’ – because it is the kind of thing that we call ‘taking initiative’ or ‘acting first’ or ‘act quickly’ – it is based on competitive conditioning and based on the notion that if I am the first to act, the first to get there, the first to do the right thing, the first to have the answer – if I am first and I act now, I will be the winner apparently. Within the context of our currently world system, this is unfortunately true in many cases, however, these systems are busy collapsing and they simply don’t work any more, which is why I am looking at this point and recognize that it requires to be addressed and stopped. It comes from the kind of conditioning we get in for instance school when children are stimulated to want to be the first one to raise their hand and give the correct answer to the teacher. 

Of course this point of wanting to be first and win is based on the fear of loss, and when I look at examples of how this point arises in my daily experiences as my thoughts, the fear of loss as motivation becomes evident. It came up today (and has come up a few other times recently, as thoughts do tend to be patterned) as the fear that another person would not understand something that is crucial to understand – that they would not ‘get it’, and as a result this would apparently not be good for them. This is a form of mental projection as it is in fact me that perceives them ‘not figuring it out’ to be bad for me, through projecting some ideal that others must understand that which matters to me – as if I am looking for agreement in some worldview – what is the point of this? If I were really about supporting others, I would stop this fear within myself – in fact I would only focus on myself and stopping all fears within myself so that I can stand as the living example for others – whether they take to it or not and realize a point of self responsibility or not should not dictate who I am and my own process – and ultimately, if I am really standing absolutely, then it would be a certainty that inevitably – all will understand, all will ‘get it’, because my standing is so absolute that I will stand as the example eternally, for as long as required to support life as myself.

So, within this point of reacting/initiating/taking immediate action, I see now that I have equated/associated talking/action with ‘making a difference for the better’, in a kind of what where it is like more is better, faster is better than slower – this is how this fear as the desire to act/react is justified. But it is fascinating, because I have noticed for instance that sometimes I have spoken a lot, too much, and spoken more and more, and even got to the point of repeating myself – and yet no impact is made in the lives of others. Conversely, I have seen times where I have remained silence when no speaking/action is necessary as it would simply not be effective at particular times, and then when I do speak when it is appropriate, it may take only a few simple words to very effectively assist, support and direct another. 

I can see that we as a society to tend to talk – a lot – and get nothing done. Nothing really changes. It looks lively, it is very stimulating, it can be exciting and entertaining – but is it real, in terms of actually making real progress, in terms of really experiencing and expressing ourselves?

So I have copied this behavior and often times it is this behavior that stimulates me to just copycat – there is that pressure sometimes (which I really place on myself) to respond, like I must respond, I must validate this person and all they have talked about which reflects what they believe and how they think – or else maybe they won’t like me so much, maybe I won’t get favoritism from them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that more is better than less, that faster is better than slower, within the desire to act quickly/react/initiate, based within the fear of loss and the belief that if I am not the first to act and act quickly and act a lot, then I will apparently lose – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this fear of loss onto others as the fear of them losing, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my fear of others losing/not finding their way is actually a projection of myself because I am not standing absolutely and from this perspective I am creating this scenario by not standing and thus ensuring that neither of us will self realize/find our way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply copy and mimic others as the act of speaking a lot and making a lot of commotion/energy/interaction/stimulation, only because I fear how others will react if I do not and that I will disappoint them or that they will see me as not valuable or not contributing – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always believe that acting/reacting/talking is always the solution and always going to make a difference

I commit myself to stop the tendency to react and want to speak and say the right things and to justify such desires with the fear of loss as the belief that I must act and help others, as I see, realize and understand that such a reaction is a projection of myself within the awareness that I must stand for/as myself

When and as I see myself talking a lot/having the desire arise to talk/react/act quickly/say a lot – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this behavior as reaction is not effective as it is based in fear if loss and copying others and thus it is not directive, and thus I assess immediately in he moment if speaking/acting is in fact effective or if I am just doing it out of fear as a desire to appease others and pacify my own fears – and thus when I see myself reacting, I do not participate in these reactions/the desire to react as it arises in actions, words, thoughts, and energy

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Day 262: Christmas and the illusion of good fortune

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Christmas is a fascinating time of year in terms of studying culture and the way people tend to move like herds of sheep. I don’t mean to imply anything negative or condescending in this statement, I mean purely in the way that a sheep just follows the herd of sheep. It is even interesting in the fact that a sheep is so indistinct from the rest of the herd that we don’t even differentiate the individual sheep from the plural of sheep – they are just the same word.

I notice that everyone is so much nicer to me during Christmas. It’s a nice experience and all, but it would be nice if kindness and consideration were something that were lived year-round – wouldn’t that be awesome? If caring for others was just a way of life and every day was awesome, and we wouldn’t even dream of/looking forward to special holidays, because every day was special? What if we did not need to give fanciful gifts because giving were already a way of life, lived every day of the year?

This year I received some nice things like clothes, and I immediately noticed that I felt obliged to give something back. I mean, I would be a real douche if I could not give back equally, wouldn’t I? But then what about the conditions that allow for us to give in the first place? In a world of apparent scarcity, where millions live in extreme poverty, where thousands die every day of starvation, is it not a luxury to have enough that one can afford to give to others? It makes us look good, it makes us look generous, just like millionaires and billionaires look good because they can easily afford to give a lot of money to charities – but we just never seem to seriously question why some have more to give in the first place.

My Christmas wish is for all life on earth to live be well taken care of, and all beings are supported equally to live to their full potential – except it’s not really a Christmas wish at all, because wouldn’t it be really useless and disingenuous to only want such a thing for 1 day out of 365? Wouldn’t it be even more disingenuous to just wish for it, and not actually work towards making it happen?

If there were any original grain of nobility in the ideal of Christmas, we have surely missed it in what Christmas has become. We simply accept the world system for what it is, with all of it’s abuse and neglect of life, and then we just turn around and have parties and celebrations once in a while so things don’t seem quite so bad. We blindly accept and follow those celebrations too. I have heard some say that they are not followers, that they do Christmas ‘their way’ and claim not to buy all of the bullshit – really? It is an amazing coincidence then, that ‘doing it their way’ just so happens to fall at the exact same time of year as the Christmas crowd.

Let’s face it – there is massive pressure to conform to Christmas in the way that it has been so fanatically defined as an intrinsically positive thing in our culture, so much pressure that we know that to do nothing, to absolutely conform in no way whatsoever and just treat Christmas for what it is – just another day – is something that prompts us to fear being judged, frowned upon, outcast and rejected by those who we call our comrades, out families, our friends, our neighbors – there is some serious bullshit and fakery going on here and if one even has enough self respect to investigate whether or not their world is a lie, I would suggest to stop participation in the Christmass and see just how much people love you.

But then again, we have accepted that ‘love is not perfect’, ‘love is flawed’ – so here we have it – love, the pinnacle of benevolent human expression, is flawed and imperfect, it can include mistakes, in can include abuse, it can include ignorance, it can include neglect, it can include judgment – is this really the best that we can do? Are we so in love with our inferiority that we will insist that this is the best we can do? 

So much more is possible – to believe that Christmas is something positive in a world that is in such dire straights, is like being in a constant state of starvation and then getting excited and believing you are having a great time when you are occasionally thrown a morsel of food. The nice feelings we get during this time are like a drug that creates an illusion that distracts us from the reality of how bad things are – and really, if you investigate what our consumer culture is actually doing to this world, it is beyond horrendous. It is also a reality that only exist – and grows – by virtue of our ignorance. As this reality grows, it will continue to encroach more and more upon our lives. Eventually, the drug of good feelings doesn’t cut it anymore, because reality sets in. In every moment we have a choice: to remain ignorant, blinded by our illusions created in self interest – or to stand up for life.

Day 261: Love is more than a feeling

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When we really take a look at how imperfect we are as human beings, the mistakes we make, the strife in our life and our world, the extent to which we deceive ourselves and others on a daily basis, the extent to which we are ignorant of the things that really matter and require our attention in this world – it is really a dishonest thing to claim that we know what ‘love’ is – the word ‘love’ implying the pinnacle expression of human benevolence.

If love as the pinnacle expression of human benevolence actually existed, wouldn’t every single human being on earth be taken care of and living to their full potential, never having to live in fear of others? I would imagine that this would be the very least that we are capable of creating as real love on earth.

Our world is in such a mess, where life is given so little value – we as living, breathing, physical beings are given so little value – that we exist in such an extensive degree of inferiority where all we are looking for is a nice happy feeling to keep up pacified from the reality of how much we have devalued and diminished ourselves, how little we have honored ourselves as life. Everyone is just obsessed with this feeling – I mean this is basically how I have always lived and it is so extensive that stopping is not just this easy, simple quick thing – and this despite the fact that all I am trying to give up is illusory in nature – it is nothing but feelings! And so all the time we are just looking for the next high – we don’t see it because we are so immersed in an entire culture of hedonism, but if one have a look, it is plain to see that virtually all decisions are only ever oriented around what will serve self – even if indirectly – so charity and altruism – yeah – bullshit.

We go to real lengths to get what we want – first we’ll use honey, and then if that doesn’t work we’ll turn sour and use vinegar – we will use words like ‘love’ to create this feeling experience, and if that fails, we will throw a temper tantrum because we are not getting what we want. This cannot be love. We have all been deceived by the love deception that by this point, we should not buy it anymore – we should be able to see how this word has been used and abused purely to create a feeling and serve self interest, and really start to consider what love is as a real, tangible physical act.

What is love as a real physical, tangible act?

It is making sure that there are no secret desires that put ourselves first and others second. It is making sure that we are honest with ourselves about who we are and thus live honest lives in turn. It is making sure that we are directive in taking responsibility for our reality. It is making sure that life is taken care of, that every person is well fed, are given proper education, proper health care, proper living necessities. It is stopping the massive amount of abuse that is currently taking place on earth and taking whatever actions necessary to stop such abuse.

Our desires for the happy feelings we are so ‘in love’ with are really so trivial, so selfish, so pointless, when we consider the real problems in this world and the real love that is needed by so many in our dying world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over love as a feeling: as the attainment of a positive energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not living with the experience of energy as positive feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throw tantrums and protest and find justifications/blame towards others because I am not getting the energetic experience I desire

When and as I see a desire for positive feelings/energy arise within me in thought: I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire is purely the desire to energy which I have become so addicted to, and that the mind will create any justification/rational to get this feeling, and will present a variety of ways/physical acts that I can do which I apparently ‘like’ that will create this feeling which exist as past habits/patterns, and thus I do not allow myself to participate within this desire as my thoughts/energy 

When and as I see myself fearing to not have/attain this energetic/positive feeling experience and the habits/patterns that create this feeling experience within me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this fear of loss/not having love/not having energy is a way for my mind to manipulate me to move back towards this energetic addiction to good feelings, and thus I do not participate in these fear as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself becoming angry towards/blaming others because I am not getting the energetic experience I want as positive feelings, and see myself justifying this anger/blame towards others – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize that this is the mind ‘pulling out all stops’ and going to a last resort of throwing a temper tantrum because it is not getting the energy it wants – thus I do not participate in this tendency to blame and be angry towards others and judge others as it arises in my thoughts, or as a negative energetic feeling/emotional experience 

Day 260: Do we know how much we don’t know?

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In the last blog I gave an update to stopping a habit in my life that only serves to distract me from that which is real, that which is important and requires my attention. There are several points like this in my life and they preoccupy me primarily through my thoughts as my thought patterns, taking me away from reality into a fantasy world of distractions and preoccupations – one can call it them illusions because they are the things I give importance to which are not important in fact. With everyone essentially existing in this way: it is no wonder the world is so dysfunctional, why people are so ignorant and ineffective, not living to our full potential and making an absolute mess of this world.

I briefly mentioned how in stopping the habits as distractions/illusions, more time opens up, more opportunity opens up to in fact give life/my reality the attention that is required to actually work towards effecting a change. What I haven’t focused on as much, is the vastness of the amount of work that is necessary to be done, in terms of that which requires our attention in this reality, as the urgent necessity to sort out our world.

The degree to which we are existing in our habits that serve to distract us from our reality, as illusions that are based in our self interest, is always equal to the degree to which we are ignorant of what is really going on in our world – and have a look at how much the average person is preoccupied with and driven by their own self interest – virtually everything we do on a daily basis revolves around our self interest, virtually all of our priorities revolve around what will make us feel good. That is the weakness, as the fear of loss that creates desire, that allows for us to be so deaf dumb and blind, that we have practically no directive principle in life.

I was watching a documentary film tonight, called ‘Matrix of Power’ by Jordan Maxwell. He is a researcher of the occult – secret powers which he claims control the world and influence/direct human activity to serve the interests of a small few in the world. Of course, it is foolish to listen to any being as if their word is the gospel, but having seen first hand the extent of the deception that exist internalized within my own mind, much of what he claims really does not surprise me. If even half of what he says is true – it is quite amazing the degree to which we have no idea what is really going on in this world and the actual extent of evil that dominates this world. What is the role of ‘we the people’ within all of this – this point of self interested illusions that I have aforementioned. As long as things are fine and dandy within our own minds, because we are feeding ourselves constantly with the things that make us feel good, then we have given full permission to see the world in naïve, rose-colored lenses. It is hard to fathom such evil when your outlook on reality is influenced by the constant buzz of good feelings – because within such a point of mental intoxication – you are in fact living such evil, by contributing the evil that exist in this world through remaining deaf, dumb and blind. it is foolish to blame the elite or secret societies in this world as being the administers of the systems of control/enslavement in our world, as from a certain perspective even they are just sheep, living in fear of their fellow human being and just towing the line which they were born into. And this is not to mention that: if you or I were born into their shoes, we would have done the exact same things. What gives us the self righteous idea that we would not be equally tempted and corrupted by such power?

I was originally going to blog today on the point of fearing what others can do to you, the fear of others casing you harm – and yet in this last paragraph, I have addressed this point – the fear of what others may do to you is equal to what you have allowed to be done unto yourself/others through remaining ignorant and illusioned. We live within such a fear because there is a deep-seeded awareness that our ignorant bliss is a form of spite which through which we indirectly inflict harm onto others in this world by living so ignorantly and abdicating our self responsibility towards life. There is also the deep awareness that what goes around comes around. This is why, slowly but surely, more and more people are finding – to their apparent surprise, shock and dismay – their freedoms and rights being taken away – were they ever even freedoms and rights in the first place? Or was that just another self interested illusion of ‘freedom’ which we used to fool ourselves with to again, be able to remain within bubbles of self interest and never actually take responsibility for our lives?

I suggest to study Desteni – because this is the group that actually understands the vital part that the individual plays in their own enslavement and the enslavement of life on earth, and thus that the key to being effective to stop the systems of control/enslavement that exist is to first stop such systems within self, as stopping participation in our vices, habits, patterns and addictions that only serve to keep us deaf, dumb, blind, ignorant and ultimately slaves to our own mind.

Day 259: My life is so awesome

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So just a quick follow up on yesterday’s blog, about challenging myself to stop useless time-wasting habits of entertainment for 24 hours. I really just stopped 1 habit, completely, which was my tendency to read sports news – although I found that this habit led to me participating less in other habits. The main thing I noticed about stopping this point, aside from generally having more focus, was that I had a lot more extra time than I expected – falling into entertaining oneself is easily able to be justified as just having a quick bit of fun, but we live in a world so immersed in access to extensive amounts of entertainment that it is easy to get lost in it. I would also attribute having more time to the more than usual focus I had, from not spending all this time preoccupied with something that stimulates me in such a way where I become excited and unfocused, and thus more effective/directive in the things which I participated in today. I can’t deny how much this helped, and how I really missed out on nothing – what I in fact ‘missed out on’ was wasting time on something that adds no value to my life whatsoever – giving myself newfound clarity and opportunity for new experiences and personal growth as a result of stopping. Thus, I will continue to abstain on this particular point.

Now onto todays point. I have noticed in recent times how fortunate I am to have been born into a life where I have access to basic resources, healthcare, some education, to have the money sufficient to explore myself and some of my own potential, this is something that so many in this world never get, purely because they were unlucky. I noticed that sometimes I even have thoughts about how great my life is, especially with the more success I have in my life, I actually have thoughts like ‘man, my life is awesome!’. Now here the delusion alarm bells are going off because: my life really isn’t that awesome, especially when you consider that no man is an island and thus for my life to be experienced as awesome is only relative to how shitty some have it in this world – how awesome can my life really be when millions of people don’t have the equal opportunity to have as good a life as me? Wouldn’t it be total self-absorption/greed to see it that way?

I look at some other people in this world, sometimes I don’t even need to hear their story, just a photo will suffice it to show that they simply never had the same opportunity to live to their full potential as I did – and I empathize, because that could have been me. Really, getting high on myself and my own individualized experience in this world is like a big ‘fuck you to them’, is a big superiority-complex-trip, where I am getting high off the fact that I am ‘better than’ someone who never got a chance. It is easy to imagine being that person who never got a chance – just imagine the life you completely fear to live – that is what they are living, and it is from the relativity of not being that person that one’s own ‘feeling high on life’ experience is based.

Better to learn some humility, some humbleness, some acceptance of the fact that all of the good qualities and skills and knowledge and all of these things I have been lucky enough to have experienced, attained and developed, were not of my own doing – it was all just luck – I can not take any real pride in that. The only real pride that can be taken is in using those unfair gifts towards the cause of giving everyone else on earth the same opportunity to live such a life. There is nothing else to want – I have already had it good enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my apparent success and great life is in fact based purely on luck and the fact that others in this world don’t have such opportunities for a good life and that I have an awareness of this and a fear of living such a life – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get high off the experience of having success, not realizing that such success is not so much of my own doing as it is a matter of preprogramming, and thus to ‘feel good’ about my success is to accept and feel good about this preprogramming, which includes those who were preprogrammed into horrible lives of slavery and suffering

I commit myself to use my preprogramming as the success and advantages, skills and qualities I was pre-programmed to have, and put them to proper use by utilizing them to create a better world for all life, to use them to make myself better and into a being that cares for all life, and to no longer allow myself to lose myself in self interest, greed, and the insane, paranoid drive to have success and attain more, as if I do not have enough or there were a real possibility of my not surviving – which there isn’t – I commit myself to stop having such an ‘awesome life experience in self-interest and rather walk in humbleness as I live myself, express myself, improve myself, within the equal consideration of others and understanding that that which I have is not my own, but rather than which was unfairly given to me which is only mine to share and give to others as myself

Day 258: 24-Hour Abstinence Challenge

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When titling this blog, it took a few tries until I got the spelling of this word correct. Normally I am decent when it comes to spelling – I have sometimes wondered if my inability to spell a words spells the fact that I haven’t grasped that word, both in the memory of copying the word itself as well as the definitions/concepts it embodies.

In recent blog posts I have written about prioritizing that which is important, about living my life to it’s full potential, living without regret, in a way where I don’t end my days feeling unfulfilled and wanting for more. Within this, I have more clearly identified for myself that which I would like to do, what are some things I would like to get done and accomplish, some ways I would like to live. I have also identified what is problematic in my life, in terms of old habits that have no real value, and only serve to keep me from full transitioning into a new being, a new way of living life – I could really do so much more if I did not allow such pointless things to hold me back. 

As it has always been for me in this process, stopping any old habit is the same as stopping an addiction – it does not come naturally at all, or without resistance and withdrawal. I have screwed myself in the past by not being realistic about how to go about stopping long-standing habits/addictions, where I ended up getting false expectations and creating ideals about how well I was going to do, and then only ended up in disappointment and discouragement. Stopping a habit/addiction had become a form of abstinence that was really just a suppression, where I would try really really hard to just stop and keep stopping and the whole thing was very energetically driven and tiring – and eventually I would fail – yet I set myself up for failure.

I have began to learn how to walk practically, within the understanding that change is a process that requires more than just stopping, that I require support through writing and doing the necessary study and investigation to ensure that I am stopping with understanding. When I have stopped other habits/addictions in the past, because it came so unnaturally, with so much resistance, I had to actually first do a 24 hour abstaining period, just to break the habit and physically come to terms with stopping – in a way, I had to make decisions that were a form of tough love on myself, not giving myself any other options. Usually, after breaking the habit initially, things would get easier over time, and at the very least, I was giving myself a window to support myself, with clarity, without any backdoors or ulterior motives, or being under the influence of still being dead-smack in the middle of a habit/pattern, just in between doses.

24 hours really isn’t much to ask, either. It is the least I can do, and I owe it to myself, to life, to give myself the chance – no matter how much I resist, or feel as though I am ‘missing out on something’ – I mean that is just withdrawal talking. Thus I am dedicating myself to a minimum of 24 hours of stopping old habits/patterns that really contribute nothing to life. I won’t discuss here the specifics of what some of these habits are – one could gather from reading past blogs, or just use your imagination – I am a fairly ‘normal guy’ when it comes to time-wasting habits – but it doesn’t so much matter what we are wasting our time with as it does the fact that we are wasting away the bit of time we are gifted with while here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance to break free from old habits/patterns that serve to keep me lost and from completely making the transition into a new life, using the experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I cannot do it, as a justification, due to past experiences where I set myself for disappointment and failure by not being practical about how to go about stopping habits/addictions – within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test the point of stopping through giving myself the time and space to stop with simple commitments that are manageable and reasonable to ask of myself and do, to give myself the breathing room/time/space to support myself with more clarity than I otherwise would have while stuck in the middle of a habit/pattern, not realizing and understanding that stopping must be accompanied with self study and understanding, and not enforced on the physical like some unreasonable ultimatum, imposed with force as a for of suppression

I commit myself to live 24 hours without giving into an old habit/pattern of wasting time with various distractions/entertainments/preoccupations and to, within this experience, support myself with breathing and writing – when and as I see the desire to participate in an old pattern arise in my thoughts : I stop, I breathe, I remember my 24 hour commitment to myself as life, I see and understand that the desire to participate in old habits/patterns is simply the mind having withdrawal and using the illusion/belief that I am ‘missing out on something’ – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these thoughts/this energy as desire, and continue to move myself throughout my day, here as breath.

Day 257: Looking for fulfillment

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This has been an ongoing point for me for quite sometime, although through being introduced to Desteni, and being shown what I am really capable of – that I can break free of my own self limitations through self honesty and self forgiveness in writing – I have begin to see that I can stop this experience of wanting fulfillment, of yearning for something to ‘complete me’.

I experienced the beginnings of reating this experience for myself when I was younger. I would often be left to my own devices without any real forms of direction, instruction or education, and had this experience of just like ‘being here’ – kind of like boredom, but more an experience of like – there is just nothing, like is this all there really is to life?

I remember experiencing this in my late teen years, or at least an outflow of it, when I would stay up really late at night, seemingly for no reason, just entertaining myself or listening to music or looking at things on the internet – like I was looking for this experience, this something that would fulfill me, in contrast to what I had normally experienced of life.

As I mentioned, when I found Desteni – well, life got really interesting, to say the least, suddenly I started to realize that there is so, so much more to myself and life, that I had never before given value to, recognized the value of, and that giving it this recognition was the key to living a life worthwhile. I began to see what real living actually is, and for the first time, began to learn how to stop this yearning experience – because looking for fulfillment is after all a desire – I began to see what life could be like without desire…it is beyond what one can imagine, having lived in a state of perpetual desire for so long.

And yet, learning to live this way is a process, there is all this work to be done to understand how my desires how, how I have created them, rationalized them, justified them – and so they don’t just disappear so easily. If I am not careful it is easy to fall back into old pattern and before I know it, my time is wasted and oopsie! There is this desire for fulfillment, back again.

So the key to stopping this desire to really live my days to their fullest. It is really as simple as that. Within this, I do have to be realistic about moving myself this way and to not overcompensate and become obsessively goal oriented, like possessed with the desire to make money and be successul and ‘live life to the fullest’ in that sense – no, that is a recipe for burnout. But I am able to make common sense decisions, in self honesty, to support myself – prioritizing what is necessary to be done, however not within the context of survival, or fear of loss as I am so used to doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of wanting/looking for fulfillment through not giving myself/life the value and recognition it deserves in prioritizing what actually is necessary to be done in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into overdrive through being driven in life by money and fear of loss, not realizing that this is compensation for not living and only fooling myself with the feeling/illusion that I am apparently living

I forgive myself that I have not acepted and allowed myself to give myself adequate support for my process and self expansion, not only throughout my day by taking care of daily responsibilities, but also ensuring that the proper amount of time is set aside for me to be able to support myself, investigate myself and do the necessary writing/work to expand myself

I commit myself to fulfill myself by living to my full potential, both through taking care of daily responsibilities, but also prioritizing in self honest common sense, what matters, what is relevant to my process and also giving myself the time and space necessary to support myself through writing and whatever other means necessary to support the physical and support myself to understand myself – standing-under and within myself as who I really am 

When and as I see myself going into overdrive as a heightened/excited state of mind were I am stimulated and having thoughts – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand how my energy I am experiencing is in fact a form of anxiety driven by fear of loss as the desire for money, and thus I see in the moment how my particular thoughts are specifically influenced/dictated by money and the drive to get money, and thus I no longer accept and allow myself to be driven by the desire for money as survival/fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions