Day 175: Mind demons in children

Today I was the shopping mall and I tend to notice and watch people when I go into public places – if you’ve never done this, I suggest to try it because when you pay close attention to the behavior of people it is really fascinating. Through my work as a teacher I have also taken an interest in the behavior of children and the development/progression of children into adulthood.

I was noticing the behavior of some children and it was downright insane. I mean, the way some kids were acting, just bustling with raw energy, flailing out of control, with no inhibitions, acting wildly or like complete fools. It is amazing to me because I imagine what the same behavior would look like if it were an adult doing it. Imagine a large, fully grown male behaving the same way, or a mature 65 year old woman – this would be beyond ridiculous, wouldn’t it? And yet the fascinating thing here is that even though adults eventually stop behaving in this way, it is because they have simply learned as they got older that this behavior is socially unacceptable for an adult and thus such behavior may threaten their survival, and so adults simply develop mechanisms to hide this behavior and others means through which it can be expressed.

I have had a tendency to treat children and others who society tends to deem as inferior in one way or another, as ‘innocent’ when they commit acts of destructive behavior. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because they’re cute and cuddly – I notice there is a societal double standard where we tend to be more forgiving of people with a ‘lower’ social status. But I am learning to see the connection of where the actions that we recognize as atrocious in adults actually begin early on in one’s life.

Thus as a teacher it is my challenge to begin treating children as equals – not in ability but in terms of being a human who is self responsible for what they accept and allow themselves to be – as everyone is equally capable of deciding what they will accept and allow themselves to be. So in this challenge is included for instance the necessity to stop coddling children and trying to please them as though they are so weak and inferior, or patronizing them, treating them as though they are inherently not capable.

Just the same as with adults, another challenge here is showing them what they are accepting and allowing of themselves – that sometimes their behavior is unacceptable as they are abusing themselves and others.

When I observed some of this kind of behavior today, seeing some children in the mall acting hysterically, like lunatics with no control over their impulses, I thought back to myself as a child – was I like this? I was not a perfect child either, I certainly had my moments of abusive behavior, yet what I do notice is that by comparison, I was a much quieter child than some of the ones that I more commonly observe. For all of her mistakes, one thing I can certainly give my mother credit for is that she limited our watching of television. We did not have video games. And we ate home-cooked meals, not foods that were pre-packaged or processed or filled with unnecessary chemicals to make the consumer addicted to them. We had candy sometimes, but these were considered treats and as such were occasional.

When I look at the amount of garbage that children are filled with, the mind garbage they get through images on television and video games, and the poisons that their bodies are filled with through the foods, it is no wonder children are such abominations. Just writing this now about children, makes me react a little bit to my own words, because again, due to how I’ve been conditioned this seems harsh – but it’s the truth.

There is a comedian named Louis C.K. who I enjoy listening to, and this post – and some of my common observations about children – often remind me of one of his bits in his stand up comedy where he basically rants and raves about what jerks his daughters are – his very young daughters. This bit made me laugh for the same reasons, it seems so outrageous because it is uncommon to recognize such a thing, because we like to present our children as being so innocent and beautiful and perfect, and yet this is often the case in truth. So the joke has some of that ‘shock value’ to it that makes one laugh – although if you see the joke it is clear that is reacting to his daughters – but this due to the fact that he is, as I’ve done above, holding them to the same standards that we hold adults to. Maybe it is time that we stop with the double standards and start having human standards.

Yet our methods of dealing with unacceptable behavior in adults is not effective – to simply react and attack others in blame and separation. Bad behavior is something that every human is found to do, to one extent or another, and whether they are aware of it or not. What we require is self forgiveness – to lead by example to correct who we are – that means to see how we have from early childhood been corrupted and filled with information that does not serve ourselves and others equally as life. To identify all of the ideas/beliefs that exist in our mind that are memory based – to indentify those memories and forgive ourselves for what we allowed ourselves to become based on those experience.

While this is a bit easier to explain to adults, what I am now challenged with is explaining such a message to children, because unfortunately for children they copy this behavior knowing little else of the world with which to be able to reflect themselves, and their current knowledge and behavior.

Perhaps I should begin writing children’s stories. If self honesty and self forgiveness were taught in schools, our world would be a heaven and would have become nothing like it is today.

Day 174: Habitual weakness developed from early childhood

So in the last post I had written the title ‘destroyed by our weakness’, which was a post largely influenced by a some recent experiences with others which also reflect myself. Now here I have not written in a few days and I am dissatisfied with this point, and of course it was my weakness that was my undoing. There is always a distraction, an excuse, something apparently more fun to do, or a reason (always based in fear) as to why I can not do my daily writing e.g. ‘what if I am missing out on something’ or ‘what if I disappoint this person or let them down by not giving all my attention to them?’

Here are two reoccurring themes in my life: the idea that sensory pleasures/stimulus are ‘the highest’ experience of myself that I could possibly have, and the other, that I am to concern myself with pleasing others as apparently my survival depends on it. These two points don’t appear to be mutually exclusive. The same way that I am striving to please myself, I am trying to do for others because: this is what I am accepting within/as myself as happiness, as the ‘highest experience’ or that which I truly want – thus this is how I will see and regard others, and try and attempt to deliver accordingly.

I am privileged through my experience working as a teacher to see how these addictions/dependencies of this sensory stimulus are developing very early on in a child’s life. I was amazed to see to what degree one of my students, who is only 5 years old, has already developed such extensive dependencies on the sensory stimuli that she has come to known/accept/define as happiness and a ‘higher’ experience of herself. Yes, she is high alright.

It is amazing to see such a seemingly innocent being be spoilt so early on. Yet much of my previous post was based on this recent experience with her because I couldn’t help but react as I have been spoilt just the same – show me a person who hasn’t and I will be amazed.

I also noticed within me today a tendency to want to have others understand me – specifically, to empathize with me. It is really on the verge of ‘poor me, nobody understands me! If only I could find someone who cares about me! But no one cares!’ – so here I can see a crying out to want to be understood by others where I am not supporting myself and being understanding towards myself, and it even going as far as blaming others for it – when in fact I know full well that I have the tools to do this where others do not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed weakness within myself through not directing myself effectively to write – using the fears of not being satisfied in my energy cravings or not satisfying the energy cravings of others as an excuse, and the fear that here I am missing out on ‘something more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something ‘more’/’higher’ than what is here as the experience of satisfying energy cravings and stimulating my body with chemicals

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘there is something better/more fun’ to do and to have prioritized this over writing – and when I am faced with the opportunity of writing later on at night, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the rational sounding excuse of the fear of being tired in the morning as an excuse to not write.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which I accept in and as myself is that which I accept others as – thus I must lead others in my example and image and likeness

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to engage myself by writing out reactions immediately if possible and if not possible to do so in detail – to store the reaction in my backchat diary

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that the tendency to want to please others and fear not being able to sufficiently please them is based within my own acceptance and allowance of wanting/desiring to be pleased by others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look to others and want them to understand me where I have not allowed myself to understand myself – as a way of copping out of doing the necessary work to support myself in self intimacy but rather attempt to escape this self responsibility through having others do it for me – and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and fault others for not understanding/empathizing with me, using their own inabilities, ineptitude’s and lack of understanding to justify why I am not standing up where in fact I am able to stand

Day 173: Destroyed by our own weakness

“maybe old sayings that ‘only the strong survive’ and Darwin’s belief of ‘survival of the fittest’ were true from a certain perspective: because the human mind is certainly weak, and to remain as such will ensure our inevitable extinction – while the earth is strong, perfect in fact, as they eco system is self sustaining and without the weakness of ego and for this reason will continue long after the human”


In one of my recent posts I had done some self forgiveness on the point of defining people according to their monetary wealth and their position/status within the world hierarchical system of power. The forgiveness that I had done on this point was more in regards to those who I had defined as being in a higher position of the social stratosphere, which I then had allowed myself to be inferior to/to exist in fear of.

But now I must consider this point with regards to those I have defined as inferior to me by this very same standard, as well as my own self definition of being superior, relatively speaking. This is coming more from a point of guilt of having taken advantage of my position of privilege in this world, and within this, completely absolving those who I see as lower/less fortunate than me, of any self responsibility to themselves and this world.

When it was first presented to me that all humans on earth are equally responsible for how this world exists, this was a fascinating point which resonated with me to the core of my being, and yet there has been this blockage of fully recognizing/accepting this point due to my own self accepted and allowed belief of superiority, and the tendencies I have to take advantage of others, within this.

And there are so many ways to justify why such people are apparently inferior and therefore, incapable of standing up for themselves/life and can therefore in my eyes be absolved of any self responsibility: they are not smart enough, they did not come from a rich country like me, they did not get a great education like I did, they are trapped in religious or family brainwashing, they don’t have all the privileges that I do, they have more fear in them than me for this reason and that reason, they were abused worse than I was, they had more traumatic experiences than I did. So many excuses justifying the victim mentality that everybody seems to believe of themselves to the point where they make it a living reality. It seems so believable when you see it from a distance because the person is fully living this point of self victimization and inferiority/weakness. This point had also been engrained in me from a young age as I was essentially used as a pawn in one of my parents games of self believe/perceived victimization/inferiority, where I was essentially used and counted on to make this person feel better, fearing that if I did not, then my own survival would be in jeopardy.

What have I been able to actually in fact determine is a valid excuse for one not standing up for themselves/life? A lack of money that is so extreme that there is literally nothing more to a persons existence than to work, or cannot even sustain their own life at all, and these people certainly do exist, although I’m not sure I’ve been fortunate enough to actually meet one and learn from such an experience.

Beyond that, it is true that as long as you are capable of sustaining yourself in this world financially and have some extra time on your hands, then there is absolutely no real excuse/limitation to not stand up for life, other than your own mental limitation which you impose on yourself, albeit without any awareness.

Sometimes I wonder: “but I got a great education through Desteni, others have not been as fortunate” – and while this is true as a matter of circumstance, it was in fact me who sought out answers, for quite some time before finding Desteni. I certainly do not deserve any special credit for this, as I face resistance to changing myself every single day. I often deliberately abuse and deceive – such has been engrained as my nature since the beginning. But is this an excuse, when I am aware of it?

And the fact is everybody is aware, but it’s like: how much is one willing to take? How much abuse and lies and deceit are you willing to endure until you finally get some self respect, stand up and say “no more!?” The answer to this may lie in the simplicity of how much one has already accepted a way of life of self limitation and being abused as ‘normal’

Here, love is the ultimate deception as it is the sugar coating we place to veil our eyes from the absolute evil that exists on this planet. It amazes me the degree to which people have no clue, considering that the clues are everywhere, and we are willingly ignoring them.

And yet, when you expose the truth, all the weak victims will cry bloody murder as if your words are torture. Yes they are like torture to the mind of self interest which cries like a baby when it’s sugar candy is taken away from it. Why do we allow such weakness? Why do we allow our young to be so corrupted with self images of victimization and limitation to the point where we will bow to their every whim just to get them to shut up when they throw a temper tantrum because they are not getting their energy fix? Please, if anyone reading this ever sees me crying, do me a favor and laugh in my face for the absolute mess of stupidity that I have gotten myself into!

The human mind is as legendary as the vampire in its eternal quest for blood under the guise of love, and the words of truth are like the light that so easily destroys the vampire. Because while the human mind constantly operates under the guise of love and light, in truth it demands blood – meaning that countless zillions of being suffer just to keep the lie of love and light alive.

Ask yourself, notice about yourself, every single day: what is my love and light? What is my little happy place where I am the only one that matters? Because it is this little happy place within the minds of each one which we apparently all then ‘connect’ on in the circle-jerk of egos, that is absolutely destroying ourselves and our world beyond any kind of salvation.

More on this later.

Day 173: Daily self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take the bait of temptation of blame – blaming others for my own reaction, using information about others as justification as to why I am righteous in blaming them – not realizing that I am reacting and that no matter how valid my blame sounds and no matter how real my anger/reaction feels, it is still in fact about me, even though I may not yet understand how it is about me – and thus I must stop, breathe and allow my reaction/energy to pass so that I am clear in my investigation/taking responsibility of my own reaction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use self judgment as a way of stopping myself from applying myself in my process which is just a way of feeding the resistance I have to applying myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I am too tired” or “I need to rest because if I do not, I will be tired” as an excuse to not applying myself in my process – not realizing that these are only beliefs about tiredness and that in this case, they are being used as justification/reasoning my resistance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make commitments to others based on a whim/desire

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make positive associations with those around me who make me feel good and negative associations with those around me who do not make me feel positive and may challenge me or provide conflict – not realizing that within the latter case, this is in fact always an opportunity to look within myself and make decisions in self honesty/self directiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is always something to write about and forgive in every moment of every day, and that I’ve allowed myself to use the excuse of “I don’t know what to write about” – being dependent on an idea/wanting to have things sorted out already in the mind – and that I have not allowed myself to sit down and simply write here, purely physically

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made positive associations with beautiful women and success/that which is desirable in the eyes of society from moments at a young age where I observed that: women who look a certain particular way tend to be successful/revered by others/sought after by others/highly valued by others in society and that within this, I’ve allowed myself to copy this value and believe it to be real within myself, thus driving me to want to be with and desire these women who fit this profile of looking “smart/beautiful” as defined by societal consensus

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that if I do not change – others will not change and this is the impact I am having/creating in my world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate certain clothes as dress clothes with success as I noticed from a young age this societal value given to dress clothes and people wearing dress clothes – not realizing within this that the clothes are not what make/create a person and if they do – this is just a feeling based on an idea and thus one become dependent on this feeling/experience and is thus not a self expression that is based on real substance of who one is

Day 172: Your thoughts determine who you are

Through the Desteni I Process, I have found a unique opportunity, which is to begin writing out my backchat on a daily basis – that means all of my thoughts from the various personalities/characters that exist within and as my mind.

I noticed a fascinating thing about this today, which is the degree to which we take for granted the thoughts we are having, and the degree to which these thoughts are then having an influence over our lives in every way. Imagine, how many thoughts do you have every day? Many. Out of that very large number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take notice of? Very few. Out of that small number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take the time to jot down on a piece of paper or on your computer, to be able to self reflect? Of those thoughts you have jotted down to be able to self reflect, how many do you then deconstruct, to see how they were formed and how they function in specific detail? It is really staggering how much we take for granted, and it is no wonder that we often perceive a simple skill like predicting the future as some mystical magical ability.

So I today I began a ‘backchat diary’ – taking notes of all the thoughts that I can, throughout my day as they come up (a pocket sized not book is useful for this). Another cool point here is that within doing this, you really get to know yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt, in a way that is undeniable, because no matter how you would like to think of yourself, your thoughts will always tell the real story and often a very different story from the self image that we have of ourselves where we tend to only see what we want to.

Taking responsibility for the thoughts we have is really a simple point of self honesty and taking self responsibility for who we are and what we have become, the influence of which we are seeing in our world today, as the complete disaster that it has become. In doing this, one will really get to know themselves and find things, that once reflected upon from a starting point of integrity/equality – is really nasty, unacceptable stuff when contrasted by the people we would like to be and the world we would like to create. Furthermore, as it has been pointed out to me before, we simply do not understand the mechanics of where a thought comes from: where it originated, what purpose it serves, the process it goes through as we think and continue to think and live-out our lives under the influence of these thoughts, becoming characters defined by thoughts whose origin we are not even aware of. Wouldn’t you like to know who you are? Why you are? Why you think the way you do? Why you do the things you do? Why the emotions and feelings that are generated from our constant and continuous thinking feel so real and are so over bearing and consuming all the time?

So, when I say this is a simple point of self honesty and self responsibility, that carries within it no systematic morality connotation of ‘being a good person’ in an altruistic sense – it is simple self honesty where you realize “oh my God, there are these voices in my head that are literally controlling me and determining who I am – and I don’t have a grip on it or even the slightest idea how it all works”. Within this point of self honesty, also exists the basic point of having some self respect.

Day 171: A life of servitude and inferiority: part 3

I commit myself to stop making value judgments on myself/others based on their monetary/status worth within the eyes of the current world system – when and as I see myself having thoughts/judgments about myself/others based on this point – I stop, breathe, and do not participate in such value judgments

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to act perfect and feeling the need to act perfect and impress others/do something ‘special’ to make an impression on others – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this tendency is based on a long established habit of believing that I can only be recognized by the mind as someone ‘special’ who impresses the mind by triggering reactions within the mind – and I do not participate within this want/desire/urge as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself worrying/fearing what others think of me as judgments – and within this the subsequent urge to prepare myself and behave in a certain way that will change their judgments from negative to positive – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a fear within the belief that I cannot direct the mind here as life – and thus I do not participate within this fear and subsequent desire, as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about what others may be thinking –rather I breathe here and allow myself to direct myself/others here in the moment

When and as I see myself believing that being alone is better/wanting to be alone/by myself as an escape from the stress/pressure of being around others – I stop, I breathe, I realize that I have associated memories of being alone and relaxing for a moment due to being removed from an environment where I believed that I must act a certain way that is fearful in nature, and thus this is only a perception based on who I believed I must be and thus, the belief that being alone is not real as it is based on a false belief of who I must be around others – thus I do not participate in this temptation of the desire to be alone and away from others, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to build self trust through the stopping of the tendency to participate within the desire to act in character/fear that I must be some special/impressive character – and by breathing here through this desire and directing myself within the moment as breath as the stopping of participation within these character constructs

I commit myself to recognize/value myself as life as who I am through no longer participating within characters/ideals of perfection as what I believe others want me to be which is based on fear and the belief that I will not be recognized as life – realizing here within life that being recognized as life, starts with me here in the moment, every moment

Day 170: A life of servitude and inferiority: part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as an inferior being whose sole purpose is to serve my masters – as those who I see as being superior to me, based on a perceptual illusion of them having power over me such as higher money/status within the eyes of society, and thus those who I fear as I believe that I depend on them for my survival – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival is based on those who, within the eyes of the current system, are recognized as having more power (money) than me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define those who have more money as superior to me and thus myself as inferior to them, producing a state of fear/subservience within/as myself

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enter a state of anxiety when others are around wherein I feel the need to impress them/act perfect – rather than allow myself to breathe here and act natural

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that the tendency to play a perfect character is compensation for other character flaws that exist within and as me and thus if the tendency to go into the perfect character arises, then I can know one thing: that I am still accepting and allowing other character flaws within/as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be self conscious and that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that this is in fact a defense mechanism that prevents me from learning/growing

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the experience of relief/release when I am alone and with the activities that I do when alone to ‘relax’, are in fact worsening the experience I have of myself when I go out into this world as I am then continuing to not face myself and see/understand/stop the reasons why it is so stressful to be around others, by using this experience of enjoyment of being alone/activities in being alone as an escape/compensation for character flaws that make being around others stressful

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted this polarized system of ‘work and play’ – where I try to be the one perfect character of what people apparently want and then want to be another character where I can let loose and have no responsibility – as normal – rather than stopping both sides of this cycle as these characters

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be some perfect character that does everything right and pleases others, within the belief/fear that others will not recognize me as life and thus, that I must be this character

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of survival to drive me to play characters within the belief that it is only characters that will receive recognition and value – and within this that I have not accepted myself as life here within ad as my interactions with others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the tendency to not trust others in valuing me as life equally is in fact a lack of trust in myself, created through the belief that I must be some character to survive/be accepted, rather than trusting myself here as who I am to direct myself/others in every moment with common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to copy the disregard, neglect and inconsideration that was shown to be by others at a young age, through disregarding, not considering and neglecting myself by believing that I must be some character as an idea/ideal of perfection, based on what I believe others want me to be – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to design characters and ways of living that are based on ideals of perfection based on what I believe others want, as a survival mechanism, in fear of survival