Tag Archives: love

Day 332: Self projection – reacting towards others

 

During the last 10 months I have been in a relationship, and for most of that time, it has been a long distance relationship. If anyone has done this, or even if not, I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is. Complete trust is already a very difficult thing for most people to establish their relationships, so doing it when you actually have no idea what the other person is doing makes it extra challenging. Although I do know enough to know that a relationship should not be about controlling another – that I should rather first focus on myself in establishing self trust, as that is the real point of importance – this knowledge has not always made the experience easier. There have still been plenty of fears and reactions on my part – this knowledge of the importance of focusing on myself first, and that my fears as my thoughts/reactions about are not to be trusted, has mainly just stopped me from making major decisions based on my reactions, which I am grateful for. I am grateful that I did not allow myself to make a rash decision to end the relationship out of a fear or emotional reaction.

 

Now, being back with my partner for a couple months, I can see just how much of my reactions were simply not real, they were just me reacting. It is fascinating how our reactions to others, how we see them, what we believe of them, what we think is going on with them, has absolutely nothing to do with them, it is just ourselves projecting our shit onto them. It seems that this has just become so habitual that we tend to not see it, we live in a total culture of blame, where our desire to control our reality and others is so engrained, where we have given this desire so much power, belief and validity, that it becomes automatic to see and judge others in our reality in a certain way, so that we can justify what we believe they apparently must be or do.

 

Look at how often there is someone or something in our lives that we become obsessed with that is apparently ‘the enemy’, that is apparently ‘wrong’, that apparently must change – this is a very clever deception of the mind because, sure, we know the world and other people are not perfect, so there is a good likelihood that there are problems that exist ‘out there’ outside of ourselves – but to place focus ‘out there’ outside of ourselves and become obsessive is actually the trap that ensnares us to ensure that we never have any effect in changing anything in our reality. I noticed this pattern for myself in my life, that there is always something to be obsessed with that is apparently ‘the problem in my life’, whether it is a person, thing, circumstance – whatever.

 

So this experience has taught me to not judge or assume that I know what is going on with another, and generally speaking, to not even put the focus/emphasis on another so much, but to rather realize that if I am reacting to another, then that another is just serving as a mirror to show me that it is in fact just me reacting, and that I must investigate myself and why I am reacting, that I must investigate the very point of why I am focusing on another so much in the very first place, when it is myself that requires the most attention from myself. We can only change ourselves and it is through the example we live through completely and unconditionally focusing on being honest with ourselves, forgiving ourselves and correcting ourselves, that we can make a difference in the lives of others.

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Day 327: Childhood is a Creation

 

What is childhood? Why do we treat children differently than adults? This is a point that we as a society and loving parents need to open up and look at, for the way that we have come to treat kids as ‘normal’ is something that too often goes unquestioned and unnoticed.

 

Like myself and many others, when you encounter a child, you may adjust your behavior in reaction to their presence. You may become kinder, gentler, speak in a more lovely tone of voice, even become a bit of a character to give off an air of pleasantness. We often revere children for their innocence as being beautiful and as such we tend to want to treat them like gold, to shelter them from the negativity of the world and give them a very positive experience.

 

This point of (reacting to) the innocence of children eventually takes on a life of it’s own, where the extent of the desire to shelter children goes as far as literally hiding the reality of the world from their eyes as censorship, and then even as far as creating illusory fantasy worlds and make-believe stories, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

 

The way that we view children as innocent is primarily an association that is made with their underdeveloped skill-sets, primarily in language skills. However, this lack of skill development and therefore understanding of the world does not speak to their potential – children are just as capable of learning effectively about their world as you and I, and this includes their ability to reason and assess their world critically – it is just an ability less seen because we tend to make a further correlation between their lack of development with, essentially, a lack of potential – we often treat children as not capable, as ‘not ready’. In this way we sell our children short, believing on a deeper level that they are incapable – stupid.

 

Obviously this couldn’t be further from the truth, as the amazing ability of children to learn and adapt shows us – if anything, this way that we treat children is more a reflection of ourselves, and our own ability to give children the education and tools necessary to be able to understand and direct their world without being easily influenced. Because we ourselves were never given these tools, we discount how easy it is for ourselves to be influenced by the world around us, and within lacking this self-directive principle, we fear that the same thing will happen to our children.

 

Why do children watch ‘children’s programs’ and read ‘children’s’ books and tell them ‘children’s stories’ and teach them ‘children’s songs’ that essentially condescend to them and treat them as less than ourselves? It divides adults and children the same way that media that is directed exclusively at one race or gender divides people from each other. It is simply another way of categorizing and separating a group of people from the rest of humankind, to say how they are apparently different and thus should be treated differently, with different rights – the difference however, is that children really cannot stand up for themselves, they can not produce social activists or lawyers to fight for them, they are at the mercy of we as adults and parents to stand up for their rights – in this case a right to simply be treated as an equal to other humans in terms of their intellectual capacity and human potential.

 

From a young age, I resented being condescended to by adults, I did not enjoy people speaking to me slowly, as if I am not intelligent enough to understand speech at a regular pace. I did not enjoy adults speaking to me in lovely tones of voice, like I was an idiot with no real understanding of all facets of life, including it’s darker side. I did not enjoy adults lying to me about things like Santa Claus, like I was stupid enough to believe anything they would tell me. Unfortunately a child’s lack of understanding of their reality does keep them at the mercy of only being as good as what they are informed by, and so children will believe what they are told. For a human race with a cultural disposition that is as hell bent on power, control and greed, children become the easiest targets for us as adults to mold into whatever we want them to be, and too often I have seen children become nothing but pawns and accessories to the ‘perfect life’ that is envisioned by their parents. In a narcissistic culture, everyone feels better about themselves when they have their own personal slave, their own personal pawn that they can have as much power and control over as possible: what better opportunity than to have children? Of course very few are ever honest enough to admit this to themselves, and we cover up the truth of how we treat children as complete subordinates and inferiors, with all kinds of beautiful ideas like love, or justifications that it is in their best interest.

 

In the ‘bigger picture’, this point of sheltering children as much as possible through the creation of what we call ‘childhood’ – which is this world of media and social interaction that children are immersed in – ends up producing adults that are severely handicapped when it comes to ‘facing the real world’. For many, when the illusion of childhood is broken and reality surfaces, it is a great shock, and the reaction is far worse than had it been if we had simply not hidden our children from reality – through the trauma of this contrast, many become disillusioned and jaded. Furthermore, placing children in this fake world of fairy tales and unrealities where they deal with virtually nothing of the real world and are required to make no real significant decisions and take no real responsibility for themselves and their world, we then create an entire adult population of people who are not capable of taking self responsibility for themselves and their world. They would rather crawl back into the illusion and remain hidden there – that is how ‘Peter Pan syndrome’ is created, never wanting to grow up, because as children we become addicted to this experience of childhood, where we essentially lived like God’s in some kind of fantasy heaven – and yet ironically, this is a ‘golden cage’ of enslavement, where we are dis-empowered from our birthright as self responsible and capable human beings, with unlimited potential. With exposure to media happening at younger and younger ages due to technological advancements, and people being immersed in more and more media than ever before, it becomes more and more difficult for we as adults to not be influenced by the fantasy realities that are presented, let alone for children who are encouraged to live in a world of fantasy.

 

I still sometimes catch myself changing my demeanor when speaking to children, reacting to their innocence, which I have been programmed by my culture to naturally react this way to their presence – to be extra kind – but this is fake, it is not real, no matter how nice the lie may seem or how well intended it is. It is an insult to their intelligence and a disrespect to who they are as human beings and an impairment to who they will become as adults. Childhood is a creation, created in our inability and unwillingness to take self responsibility for our own lives and the lives of our children to properly educate them, to properly direct them, to properly put in the time to ensure that they become the strong, intelligent and independent beings that they are capable of being, that we are all capable of being, if only we would give that to ourselves first. In our abdication of ourselves as self responsible beings, we go on ‘autopilot’ and simply follow the trends of what a ‘typical parent does’ and because it is normal, because it is commonplace, we are able to justify this to ourselves. But then, eventually when problems arise in our families, in our society: we wonder what went wrong. We do we live in a world of incompetent and corrupt human beings? Why do we live in a culture of greed, selfishness and self interest? Why do we live in a society of hedonists and addicts, only concerned with their own personal escapes and feelings of happiness?

 

Childhood is a creation that – due to it being installed in the earliest and most critical years of a persons education – remains with us at a subconscious level as we grow older, in terms of its essential tenets of a low level of intellectuality, no concern with self responsibility, and a penchant to focus on the unreal, on that which is illusory. In some culture, this mentality of ‘childhood’ is even glorified, with willful ignorance and incompetence being lauded as traits to be aspired to.

 

Let’s give children what they deserve and require, let’s learn to treat them as real beings, just as capable as ourselves, as equals to ourselves. Let’s give to them what may have never been given to us. As we grow older and the next generation takes over the reins of our world, it is our only hope that our future is one that is entrusted in the hands of those who will do us well, when we find ourselves in reversed roles one day, being at the mercy of their decisions. If we do not, we cannot expect good things of our future and the future of mankind, on the contrary, everything will continue to get worse for our human race, which still struggles to grow up out of it’s infancy.

Day 321: Desiring intimacy within a relationship

Here I am looking at the point of how I have defined the word ‘intimacy’ as something outside of myself, separate from myself. When I look at the word intimacy, I can see how I have defined this within having a relationship – preferably with my ‘ideal’ relationship partner, which is another point I have written about extensively in previous blog posts. So, I have defined intimacy as something that exists within a relationship, separating myself from intimacy and placing it within a relationship, so that apparently the experience of intimacy is only possible within a relationship. Within the relationship, intimacy is further defined as a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, sex, and ‘deep’ conversations, which is another way of saying conversations that are emotionally charged, usually with the energy of fear.

A long time ago I read a really insightful article on what intimacy really is, with regards to self intimacy – you can check out the article here: http://desteni.org/a/winged-exploring-self-intimacy – this article really opened my eyes to the fact that I have neglected myself, I have avoided self reflection and really facing who I am and what I’ve become, extensively, while in pursuit of love, relationships, and all kinds of ‘higher’ energetic experiences – living a life where I am always looking for the next high because within myself I am ’empty’ in a kind of way, because by not being intimate with myself, I had abandoned myself, and thus was this insatiable appetite for energetic highs through experiences was created, which I then searched out in romantic relationships.

Thus now it is time do bring myself back to myself, to again become intimate with myself in self honesty, facing who I am and what I have become as a living principle of doing what is best for all life, as from this starting point, I can direct myself in a way that is effective in taking all life into consideration, so that my life is not wasted in a bubble of exclusion, but is rather based on the intimate understanding that all life is one and equal, and thus who I am and how I live should be oriented as such.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself with relationships – focusing on my relationship and my partner so that I am not self directive and focused on myself, and giving my attention and concern to my partner and the survival of the relationship, rather than to first be intimate with myself and focus on myself and that what I am living and who I am is that which is best for all life. Thus I commit myself to bring myself back here through breathing, and to focus myself on myself by utilizing tools like breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application – when and as I see myself being prompted to participate in my tendency to look to others/my partner as a way of essentially taking attention away from myself and distracting myself from my only real ‘power’ as an ability to have any real effect in my living and changing this world to a place that is best for all, I stop, and I breathe, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and rather breathe through the fear that drives me to focus on my partner that is justified as the fear of losing the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as something that exists separate from myself, that can only be achieved and experienced through romantic relationships with a beautiful woman, and that I have further defined intimacy within a relationship as touching, kissing, hugging and sex – not seeing and realizing that intimacy is here – it starts with me, alone with myself, being intimate with myself in getting to know myself and standing as life within/principles that consider and are best for all life – thus I commit myself to redefine and live the word ‘intimacy’ as starting with myself, being honest with myself, directing myself, and living a life that takes my self as life/all life into consideration as equal and one, and thus I commit myself to stop the desire to experience intimacy as something separate from myself as sex and sexual touching within a relationship and rather insist that intimacy be expressed from a starting point of self honesty: as self intimacy, equal and one to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as having ‘deep conversations’ with my partner that are emotionally charged, and that I have allowed myself to yearn for this experience/try and create it where I have not first been intimate and honest with myself – thus I commit myself to stop trying to ‘create an experience of intimacy in my relationship as having deep conversations with my partner as a form of trying to control the relationship from a starting point of trying to maintain the survival of the relationship, and rather I begin with self intimacy as self honesty, as the point from which all other self expression as intimacy may emerge, without the fear of losing control of my relationship as the attempt of the mind to try and continue to maintain control by keeping the definition of intimacy as something separate from self within/as a relationship – when/as I see this desire to have an experience of intimacy as deep conversation arise within me, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is the mind trying to control me through maintaining intimacy as something defined separate from self within a relationship, as the mind is extremely tricky in presenting projections of intimacy that appear real and fulfilling – and thus I remain here as breath and do not participate when such desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as creating some kind of experience with my partner wherein we feel like there is a ‘connection’ between us because we have stimulated each other sufficiently into feeling good through having positive thoughts about ourselves, the other and the relationship as such experiences are in alignment with a symbolism of intimacy and love that has been imprinted in my mind through my mind and society – thus I commit myself to no longer define intimacy as purely creating positive experiences with others such as sex or other things that stimulate happy thoughts/feelings, as this can be tricky as it is only giving the mind energy and an experience of happiness but is not necessarily real, as countless relationship experiences have shown me that started out positive this way but ended up negative because once the energy ran out and we were no longer able to stimulate each other through separation (as we had come to know each other better and begin to see that in fact we are not so different and that real ‘love’ is not so elusive and thus exciting) then all of a sudden intimacy and love ceased to exist – thus when and as I see myself desiring to create a positive experience with my partner in some way where we can connect and be stimulated together sufficiently – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire only exists in the pursuit of keeping a relationship alive that is based in separation – and thus I do not participate in this desire of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather commit myself to remain here as breath and act in self honesty as breath in the physical, without fear of loss as the desire for a relationship directing me

Day 319: Self honesty as the starting point for practical action

 

That I am here in this moment is almost the only thing I can be certain of. Life seems to move so fast and the mind reacts so instantaneously and seemingly naturally that I miss so much of what prompts me to ‘speed up’ and move at a pace where I don’t always really pay attention to what I am doing, what I am saying. This is not to say that I shouldn’t act naturally, but that there are certain things which I see, that if I just gave myself a moment and didn’t give into my mind/fears so automatically, I could then give myself a chance to direct myself more effectively in a way that is less considered/walked: as breath.

 

When I am honest with myself I can see how I have been programmed to live a life of self-interest – the base mentality that we are all programmed with because as long as we all play and support this game, those who have massive advantages over the rest of us (by virtue of their birthright) will always win a game that we create and support by virtue of our allowance and participation in it. The outflow of this is that I am addicted to certain things in my reality that I experience as “I like doing this” because it gives me some kind of inner experience of nice feelings.

 

When I look at the basics of these addictions – greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, pride – it is sufficient as a guideline to at least know what not to do, to know what not to participate in – it can just be difficult at times to fully apply myself in not participating in such habits, and also to remain consistent in doing so. And yet when I do, and stick to this basic guideline of not participating in my own selfishness, my own self interest: a whole new world opens up where I can actually live for real, where I can live in a way where my starting point and consideration is what is best for all live, including all as one as me – so essentially, addictions are the ‘food’ of the mind and ego – no matter how seemingly innocent they are or how we may justify them to ourselves.

 

When I look at my life, there is so much that I can convince myself is important and that I must obsess over, ‘or else apparently I will lose out, apparently I will not survive and thrive if I do not obsess over my own self interest, if I don’t live in constant fear of loss and defeat’. This is the mentality of my culture, my society: compete and win at all costs – fuck everything else, fuck life – we just don’t want to see it that way because we present our self interest and addictions as wonderful, fun, innocent – whatever. When I look at my life, apparently: my job is so important, my relationship is so important, the experience of feelings that I have defined as “love” is so important, whether or not others like me and how they think of me is important, whether I look good or not is so important, whether or not I have lots of money to buy things for myself is important, having lots of fun and great experiences is so important, my family and friends is so important, etc. etc. If this is so – and given that humans were created equal – what does this imply of all the billions of people who live only to suffer and have no chance of ever experiencing success and dignity in any of these points I have previously mentioned? Wouldn’t my priority as a responsible human being then be to work to ensure that all beings on earth are given the same opportunities and rights of those things that I obsess over and believe are so important for myself? It is going to require a great degree to humbleness to accomplish anything of real significance in this way, in this reality.

 

I have a tendency to over-think things, to procrastinate, to worry and wonder if I am ‘doing things right’ and ‘what is the best way to get this done’ – it is simple – self honesty – you just do it. Do away with all the shit in your life that you have falsely claimed is so important, ‘get a life’ and change your priorities – stop participating in the shit that only makes me feel nice but makes no real difference in the world as the world continues to plummet into hell. Self honesty is extremely simplistic and really just requires us to give up the things we fear and resist giving up.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give priority and value to my own self interest, which includes all of my addictions and activities that I participate in which make no real difference int his reality and just give me the illusion of happiness and fulfillment because they create feelings in me that are based in separation from life as they serve only ego and self interest, and I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to justify such actions as apparently being all in good fun and somehow being that which is best for all by making me happy first.

 

I commit myself to identify my priorities, what does not require attention and what does, based on the principle of participating in actions and doing whatever is necessary that will accumulatively, eventually and inevitably create a world that is best for all life and to no longer question or doubt or delay myself through over-thinking things and giving into the fearful thoughts and resistance of the mind, and rather act here as breath in self honesty as who I really am as life, where the mind is unable to deceive me by directing me with thoughts that are programmed to only serve self interest

 

Through directing ourselves as life, our example resonates, and its effect permeates reality like water, in a way that is beyond what we have always known: trying to control ourselves, others and our reality with the mind from a starting point of fear and self interest, as this will never produce a result as a world that is best for all life.

Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life