Tag Archives: self responsibility

Day 327: Childhood is a Creation

 

What is childhood? Why do we treat children differently than adults? This is a point that we as a society and loving parents need to open up and look at, for the way that we have come to treat kids as ‘normal’ is something that too often goes unquestioned and unnoticed.

 

Like myself and many others, when you encounter a child, you may adjust your behavior in reaction to their presence. You may become kinder, gentler, speak in a more lovely tone of voice, even become a bit of a character to give off an air of pleasantness. We often revere children for their innocence as being beautiful and as such we tend to want to treat them like gold, to shelter them from the negativity of the world and give them a very positive experience.

 

This point of (reacting to) the innocence of children eventually takes on a life of it’s own, where the extent of the desire to shelter children goes as far as literally hiding the reality of the world from their eyes as censorship, and then even as far as creating illusory fantasy worlds and make-believe stories, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

 

The way that we view children as innocent is primarily an association that is made with their underdeveloped skill-sets, primarily in language skills. However, this lack of skill development and therefore understanding of the world does not speak to their potential – children are just as capable of learning effectively about their world as you and I, and this includes their ability to reason and assess their world critically – it is just an ability less seen because we tend to make a further correlation between their lack of development with, essentially, a lack of potential – we often treat children as not capable, as ‘not ready’. In this way we sell our children short, believing on a deeper level that they are incapable – stupid.

 

Obviously this couldn’t be further from the truth, as the amazing ability of children to learn and adapt shows us – if anything, this way that we treat children is more a reflection of ourselves, and our own ability to give children the education and tools necessary to be able to understand and direct their world without being easily influenced. Because we ourselves were never given these tools, we discount how easy it is for ourselves to be influenced by the world around us, and within lacking this self-directive principle, we fear that the same thing will happen to our children.

 

Why do children watch ‘children’s programs’ and read ‘children’s’ books and tell them ‘children’s stories’ and teach them ‘children’s songs’ that essentially condescend to them and treat them as less than ourselves? It divides adults and children the same way that media that is directed exclusively at one race or gender divides people from each other. It is simply another way of categorizing and separating a group of people from the rest of humankind, to say how they are apparently different and thus should be treated differently, with different rights – the difference however, is that children really cannot stand up for themselves, they can not produce social activists or lawyers to fight for them, they are at the mercy of we as adults and parents to stand up for their rights – in this case a right to simply be treated as an equal to other humans in terms of their intellectual capacity and human potential.

 

From a young age, I resented being condescended to by adults, I did not enjoy people speaking to me slowly, as if I am not intelligent enough to understand speech at a regular pace. I did not enjoy adults speaking to me in lovely tones of voice, like I was an idiot with no real understanding of all facets of life, including it’s darker side. I did not enjoy adults lying to me about things like Santa Claus, like I was stupid enough to believe anything they would tell me. Unfortunately a child’s lack of understanding of their reality does keep them at the mercy of only being as good as what they are informed by, and so children will believe what they are told. For a human race with a cultural disposition that is as hell bent on power, control and greed, children become the easiest targets for us as adults to mold into whatever we want them to be, and too often I have seen children become nothing but pawns and accessories to the ‘perfect life’ that is envisioned by their parents. In a narcissistic culture, everyone feels better about themselves when they have their own personal slave, their own personal pawn that they can have as much power and control over as possible: what better opportunity than to have children? Of course very few are ever honest enough to admit this to themselves, and we cover up the truth of how we treat children as complete subordinates and inferiors, with all kinds of beautiful ideas like love, or justifications that it is in their best interest.

 

In the ‘bigger picture’, this point of sheltering children as much as possible through the creation of what we call ‘childhood’ – which is this world of media and social interaction that children are immersed in – ends up producing adults that are severely handicapped when it comes to ‘facing the real world’. For many, when the illusion of childhood is broken and reality surfaces, it is a great shock, and the reaction is far worse than had it been if we had simply not hidden our children from reality – through the trauma of this contrast, many become disillusioned and jaded. Furthermore, placing children in this fake world of fairy tales and unrealities where they deal with virtually nothing of the real world and are required to make no real significant decisions and take no real responsibility for themselves and their world, we then create an entire adult population of people who are not capable of taking self responsibility for themselves and their world. They would rather crawl back into the illusion and remain hidden there – that is how ‘Peter Pan syndrome’ is created, never wanting to grow up, because as children we become addicted to this experience of childhood, where we essentially lived like God’s in some kind of fantasy heaven – and yet ironically, this is a ‘golden cage’ of enslavement, where we are dis-empowered from our birthright as self responsible and capable human beings, with unlimited potential. With exposure to media happening at younger and younger ages due to technological advancements, and people being immersed in more and more media than ever before, it becomes more and more difficult for we as adults to not be influenced by the fantasy realities that are presented, let alone for children who are encouraged to live in a world of fantasy.

 

I still sometimes catch myself changing my demeanor when speaking to children, reacting to their innocence, which I have been programmed by my culture to naturally react this way to their presence – to be extra kind – but this is fake, it is not real, no matter how nice the lie may seem or how well intended it is. It is an insult to their intelligence and a disrespect to who they are as human beings and an impairment to who they will become as adults. Childhood is a creation, created in our inability and unwillingness to take self responsibility for our own lives and the lives of our children to properly educate them, to properly direct them, to properly put in the time to ensure that they become the strong, intelligent and independent beings that they are capable of being, that we are all capable of being, if only we would give that to ourselves first. In our abdication of ourselves as self responsible beings, we go on ‘autopilot’ and simply follow the trends of what a ‘typical parent does’ and because it is normal, because it is commonplace, we are able to justify this to ourselves. But then, eventually when problems arise in our families, in our society: we wonder what went wrong. We do we live in a world of incompetent and corrupt human beings? Why do we live in a culture of greed, selfishness and self interest? Why do we live in a society of hedonists and addicts, only concerned with their own personal escapes and feelings of happiness?

 

Childhood is a creation that – due to it being installed in the earliest and most critical years of a persons education – remains with us at a subconscious level as we grow older, in terms of its essential tenets of a low level of intellectuality, no concern with self responsibility, and a penchant to focus on the unreal, on that which is illusory. In some culture, this mentality of ‘childhood’ is even glorified, with willful ignorance and incompetence being lauded as traits to be aspired to.

 

Let’s give children what they deserve and require, let’s learn to treat them as real beings, just as capable as ourselves, as equals to ourselves. Let’s give to them what may have never been given to us. As we grow older and the next generation takes over the reins of our world, it is our only hope that our future is one that is entrusted in the hands of those who will do us well, when we find ourselves in reversed roles one day, being at the mercy of their decisions. If we do not, we cannot expect good things of our future and the future of mankind, on the contrary, everything will continue to get worse for our human race, which still struggles to grow up out of it’s infancy.

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Day 315: Daily self forgiveness: using the faults of others to justify my reactions

To those who spend their time looking for the faults in others: Quote About Spend Time Looking Faults Others

Just a quick post for today.

 

Today I had some experiences wherein I was becoming mildly frustrated with ‘the incompetence, bullshit and mischievous ways’ of others – apparently. It is fascinating because as much as I am able to blame others for how I experience myself, they are not ‘making me’ feel anything – everything I experience internally is about no one and nothing but myself.

 

The tricky part is how the mind uses real things in physical reality to justify and further ‘make real’ that which I am experiencing within myself. Sure, perhaps those who I was dealing with were incompetent, bulshitting and being mischevious, but by focusing on this I am overlooking the real point: the issue was over money, and within dealing with a point about money, fears of mine came up – ‘what ifs’ – which are points of self-doubt that the ego uses so cleverly to again ‘make real’ it’s own desires and beliefs. The only reason I experienced any irritation, frustration and therefore blame/judgment towards others, is because of the fears that dealing with money bring up

 

So the point here is to stop all reactions/projections/desires related to money and what the point of money really brings up: fear of loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose my things and be ‘cheated’ out of having things: money and possessions, and therefore one day find myself ‘without’ and ‘in trouble’ because I have nothing on which to survive – I commit myself to remain here within and as breath when and as this fear arises, as I see, realize and understand that I am only able to do what I am able to do within the necessity to survive and nothing more, and that to ‘over blow’ this point by acting out of fear and thus resorting to mind-tactics to be able to survive such as attacking others or intimidation – I stop, breathe, and do not allow myself to participate in my reactions and fearful projections about what I will do’, and rather remain here as breath until the energy passes and I may continue to support myself in a way that is not out of self interest and self preservation, but in a way that is best for all life and within the consideration/starting point of all life as equal and one

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use other peoples short comings to self righteously justify my own fears and reactions, and self beliefs about how my fears are real and how others are wrong and thus apparently are the reason for why I am reacting – I thus commit myself to, upon reacting to others within situations where I fear losing/loss/being harmed, to stop, and breathe, and not give into my reactions and blame towards others, as I see, realize and understand that this tendency to focus others faults is the ultimate deception that looks and feels ‘so real’ in the eyes of the mind because it may have a grain of truth, yet I am fooling myself my making the association between this and how I experience myself within myself as blame – and thus I do not participate in my reactions/projections onto others as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Day 277: Who we are as individuals – can we be saved?

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Interaction, cooperation and interconnectivity is intrinsic to human expression – without each other assisting and supporting each other as we direct ourselves in our world, we are much more limited than we would be when drawing on each others input. It is who we are. We cannot escape it, for as much as we would like to find reasons to deny each other and separate ourselves from life through a variety of self definitions as so-called ‘personalities’, we are nothing without each other.

And yet who is each one but an equal to another? Who is not an individual that consists of the whole? Each one of us has this point of individuality as our access point to our participation in the whole as the group of humanity and that group within the eco system and the rest of the universe – life. Each one stands within this point alone and cannot escape this one point but through death – to only then return as some other point! Whether in the form of human, animal, plant, dirt – whatever it is I’m not even sure is that important in the bigger picture because essentially one point just moves/transforms to another. This movement is also constant and an intrinsic, inescapable part of who we are as life. But what is the movement? Where do we go when we die? Do we determine that? In a way yes we do because we determine what the state of the earth and how beings on it may experience themselves will be in the future times to come. So our movement in this current life that we are living-out here in this moment is the movement that will determine the future movement of humanity as a whole.

If our movement is not effective, we will obviously bring onto ourselves a more difficult experience of ourselves in the times to come. What we seemed to have to done trap ourselves from actually moving froward as individuals and a species is to systematize the movement into a closed system called humanity or civiLIEzation that is a small minority closed group that dominates the earth without understanding and is thus a danger to the life that exist. We give these systems names according to their roles such as for instance ‘political system’ or ‘economic system’. We don’t exist within that system at all. Nope, because as mentioned, the systems are powered by us as individuals and thus if we as a species are trapped within our systems we have created to direct us it implies that we ourselves are driven by systems at an individual level – we internalize (internal lies, eternal lies) the system and live as the systems as we exist as them as our beliefs, thoughts, fears, emotions, opinions, feelings etc. Our experience of ourselves both within and without has become as just systems, that were not designed to be conducive to the forward development of ourselves as individuals and as a group, to develop any kind of real equality or change, to bring about any kind of real actualization of who we really are as beings on this earth as our intrinsic design implies.

Who is the doctor without the plumber? Who is the child without the parent? Who is the parent without the child? Who is the man without the woman? We define each other to the extent and that we define ourselves and our experience of ourselves and each other will reflect that. So what will the starting point of that self definition be?

We have unfortunately through illusions like ‘free choice’, money and the experience/perception of having power over others convinced ourselves that this reality is escapable, that we can deny who we are – but sooner or later, reality sets in. We cannot escape this aspect of our design and our self responsibility for self movement that is conducive to the living of the group as a whole, we cannot escape it anymore than our need to eat and sleep.

There is no escaping this reality and certainly there are no saviors. It is we at an individual level that will determine our fate and the outcome of humanity’s journey here on earth. It does not matter how success we may have within the current system and how well it bodes on us in our life, in terms of making money and friendships/bonds. It doesn’t matter if we have all the money in the world or people to take care of us. What matters is who we are and how we experience ourselves – and how others experiences themselves and this is again a reality that will set in because as we are beginning to see the consequences of just living lives of self interest where we are only concerned with our own well being and not our responsibility to ourselves as life as the individuals that contribute to the group as a whole. So while some of us may currently have a fair amount of control over their lives sufficient to make sure that they have a nice experience of themselves until they die – that is irrelevant in the bigger picture when you consider that the person absolutely loses control of what will become of them on the other side and how they will then eventually inevitably experience themselves. The only way we are able to have an input/effect onto the experience of ourselves as individuals that exist within the whole, is to decisively determine now who we will be and what we will do in this life, this very brief time that we have to have a difference with.

To only take care of this one life is foolish, to take care of only one life form is foolish, to take care of some lives and other lives is foolish. We have to know deep down how little control we have – and yet we can not deny that we have a place in this world, that we are here, that we exist, that we don’t want to die know if we have at least that choice – why would we want to be here, naturally?

Let’s stop the external illusions we use to abdicate our power and self responsibility in this world to have a better experience of ourselves and other where we do not live in such a constant state of fear due to our neglect of ourselves, and thus each other and life. We can only recognize others once we have recognized ourselves. We can first forgive ourselves for how we have abdicated ourselves with self corrective applications, and from this forgive each other through the stopping of who we were when we harmed each other and the certainty of ensuring that through our commitment to ourselves life that we will never harm again.

 

Day 274: Insecurity, part 2

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So I mentioned in my last post that recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding come up in my relationship. At the time it happened, I found it very difficult to write about, because I was too overwhelmed by my own mind – this goes to show how important the decisions I make are, how important it is to be clear about my standing/principles and what I will accept and allow or not – consequences are inescapable and can be so severe that handling them might be no easy feat, or we might not even be able to handle them the way we would like to at all.

Basically, what the conflict/misunderstanding consisted of was each of us projecting our fears and insecurities onto each other. As I had mentioned in my last blog, fears and insecurities always stem from an awareness of how we are living and what our actions are. Obviously one of us, or neither of us, were living in a way where we would be satisfied with ourselves, and this turned into fear of loss, expressed as blame and us projecting ourselves onto another. It takes real commitment to live a life where a successful relationship is possible, because one has truly given as they would like to receive. Whenever my commitment to life and living a life that is best for all is not absolute, I end up going into this point of fear of loss, expressed as anger/blame. So to have a successful relationship, I know what is required in terms of my living commitment – absoluteness, otherwise, I know how my dissatisfaction with myself will eat away at me and consume me and all that matters to me. It is the reason why I have failed so many times in the past, so many times that I have come to almost expect like this is how it should be, and thus I resist real commitment as real change.

One point of resistance I have had towards absolute commitment is some idea that it is boring – you know, the idea of ‘sticking to the same old thing’ – because in the past, I had associated consistency with slavery – you know, doing boring and useless shit that did not benefit me, on a consistent and regular basis. It is like I have come to experience inconsistency/failure as some form of excitement, getting stimulated/high off the fear that I create and experience – it is fascinating because as much as I have written about being addicted to the positive, I have never considered that one could actually in fact be addicted to the negative – even while have a degree of understanding that when it comes to the mind/energy, positive and negative are two sides of the same coin – and the positive is not real within that.

I’m sure many experience this about some point in their lives – feeling as though being committed to something is some kind of trap/slavery – but not having learned what it means to live principles that are best for all life, we fail to consider that the fear of being trapped by consistency, is rather us fearing the trap we have created for ourselves already – believing in/subscribing to a life of inconsistency and failure, to such an extent that we believe this is what life is, and even worse, that it is who we are and that we enjoy it.

Life is too short to run away from self responsibility – to making real commitments that challenge us to be the best we can be in service of life. It is fucked that – when faced with challenges/consequences/conflict, the tendency is to want to run away, rather than sort oneself out.

So 2 points here: expecting/accepting failure as normal, and fearing/resisting consistency/absoluteness in my resolve to say consistent in my living application as if it were ‘boring’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that failure is normal, acceptable, to be expected, part of life, and even fun and enjoyable or exciting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear consistency, within a belief that it is boring or I will be trapped/enslaved and that it will be boring/meaningless/pointless/not supportive – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate consistency/ sticking with principles that are best for all life with past experiences of feeling enslaved on a consistent basis, thus associating consistency and sticking to simplicity/basics as boring or enslaving or a trap

I commit myself to stick to principles that are best for all life and be absolute in my resolve to stand, and give as I would like to receive, and to remain consistent in my application of sticking to breath and stopping destructive patterns of self interest where I do not give as I would like to receive – and thus within sticking to the simplicity of principles that are best for self/all life, I do not allow myself to be trapped by the illusion of ‘excitement’ as change as failure to stick to consistency/principles/simplicity as I experience is as ‘boring’ or ‘missing out on something’ – I commit myself to not run away from self responsibility.

Day 273: Insecurity

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Today, before writing this, I experienced a feeling like I don’t know what to write about, as I often do when I go to write my blog. I always walk through this experience now because I know too well that there is all kinds of shit that requires my attention, so sometimes I will read blogs or listen to interviews/watch videos to get the ball rolling. The word ‘insecurity’ had come up recently in a song I discovered that I really liked, it is called ‘Soulmate’ by the band ‘No Use for a Name’ (the word soulmate referring to deep seeded insecurity) and I really liked the lyrics when I read them. They struck a chord with me (har har). Then tonight, I read a blog about insecurity and relationships, and recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding in my relationship, so after reading this blog it was like ok, time to look at this point of insecurity.

I suppose it is a normal thing, and just as I have not questioned it for so long, I’m sure neither have so many others who constantly live within such a point. What is insecurity? Fear of loss, the certainty that the future outcome of one’s life is one that is not desirable. It is intertwined with fear and anxiety, where -based on the way we live, and who we accept and allow ourselves to be – we create a life of insecurity with fear and anxiety as our main experience of ourselves. The fear and anxiety can then easily turn into anger when the prospect of real loss looms or even appears to loom and threatens our security – but our security can only ever be threatened if we are in-security (insecure) to begin with.

How do I create the experience of insecurity as a mathematical certainty of a future outcome that is not best? By living a life where I abdicate my self responsibility, where I do not stand in my own stead of self responsibility, living the life and creating a self that would be ideal, but rather look to/depend on others to do such a thing. We tend to believe that we can attain an ideal self/experience of self by depending on/drawing from the world around us. Just like we are conditioned to believe that we can buy our happiness, or that having a relationship will complete us, or that if we get that great new house/car/toy/job/whateverthefuckyoulike, then everything will apparently be great in our lives. The more we believe that we are not sufficient, that we can do do it for ourselves, that we can not be self responsible – we go looking outside of ourselves and this is such a great fall that we create that crippling experience of insecurity, where we obsess about controlling out reality and getting what we desire.

When abdicate ourselves and our ability to take self responsibility and live a life of real value that considers all life in equality, we create this kind of demonic/vampiric entity that needs to be fed to stay alive, and before you know it, we just become consumers, obsessed with consuming goods and whatever it is that will fill that endless void, that insatiable appetite – it will never be enough because it is a void that we created in the first place! This entity will then do anything it can to hold onto its food source, its energy source. It is insecure because it knows that – as something that was created – it is temporary. We abandon ourselves and let the demons/vampires take over, and then wonder why we are so insecure, why enough is never enough.

So, what would then happen if we did not abandon ourselves, but rather took self responsibility and do all in our power to ensure that we are creating a self/world that is best, with an outcome that is certain to be best for all life? In my experience, the more I give up, the less insecure I am. Conversely, the more I hold onto old habits/patterns/addictions and don’t get real about taking responsibility to create a life/self that is best for all – the more insecure I am, and the more I depend on others/things I have separated myself from, to fulfill me. That is no way to live. And this is a deep awareness of what we are accepting and allowing in our lives, it may not necessarily be something that one is aware of in their conscious mind.

So I have found this is the key to stopping all insecurity – stand up and take self responsibility for one’s life in stopping old vices as habits/patterns/addictions, and rather take self directive principle and create a self/world that is best for all life – then you will have all the security one could ever need because it has been created so.

That’s all for today. To be continued.

Day 272: What can I do to take self responsibility?

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Today I am writing a self support blog for some tough times I have been going through. They have been mentally tough more than anything, although it is having real effects on my physical reality because it is becoming quite difficult to focus. I’m going to keep this one short because a lot of the writing I will continue to due will be in my personal journal. What I will say in this blog post however is: QUESTION EVERYTHING – including yourself. Question if the things you are doing and participating in and a part of, tacitly or actively, are really real, if they are really trustworthy, if they are really self honest, if they are really what is best for all life. Do not compromise yourself for bullshit, because you fear to lose something or someone. If you do, you are going to experience regret like you wouldn’t believe – the consequences are brutal.

When things get tough – support yourself and be self honest about where you can make improvements and where you are not being self honest with yourself. Don’t blame others and when things get tough – breathe breathe breathe, then, sit down and write. Don’t stop writing until you’ve gained some composure and clarity, and don’t act on your thoughts, feelings and emotions, no matter how vivid and intense they seem. I made this mistake today and things could have been less stressful if I had taken a step back and really faced myself.

If we are to ever have any hope that other people will sort themselves out, we have got to sort ourselves out. Yes, the world has gone mad – and we are the world. I get frustrated and feel I have to ‘draw a line’ with others when they refuse to take any self responsibility or change or insist on remaining spiteful – but the truth is that I have to draw that line with me first, to give myself that boundary through taking self responsibility and looking at myself. Sometimes I feel like the answers don’t exist within me, they are somewhere out there, buried in the outer world issue or people I am dealing with – but that is not so – I am my own answer and I have been all a long.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to face myself before facing others when dealing with an issue or conflict, and for allowing myself to act on thoughts/feelings/emotions in dealing with another rather than stabilizing myself through breath and sitting down to write

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and feel like I don’t have the answers or I don’t know what to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the problems I experience exist solely in others, while not looking at/realizing the fact that my experiences are my own, and that this is the only point in which I am able to work and take self responsibility – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be self righteous in believing that I am doing more/trying when others aren’t

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only place I am able to effect change when I am experience problems is within myself – and that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is the key to enabling me to see the situation with clarity and without emotional attachment/fear/blame, and thus direct the problem with ease

When and as I see myself wanting to fix the problem ‘out there’ in something/someone else – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a trap to keep me enslaved to my own mind and not solve the problem in fact, and that I am missing the point that the problem exist within me and that the only way to take directive principle is to face myself in breathing/writing – thus I do not give into the desire to change the problem ‘out there’ as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy, but rather be self directive in seeing what I can change about myself/where I can take self responsibility and lead by example

I commit myself to give as I would like to receive, no matter what others are doing around me and to no longer use the excuse of what others are doing to not stand up and live the life of integrity that I really want to

I commit myself to identify reactions and deal with them immediately

I commit myself to question things in writing when I am having an experience of uneasiness/unclarity/uncertainty

Day 266: Afraid of self-responsibility

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For so long I have feared the idea of standing absolutely in my process, I have feared it and believed that it is totally impossible. I remember moments of changing myself, literally breaking physical habits with other physical activities, and having an experience of like ‘omg I can’t believe I am doing this’ – totally amazed and in disbelief within the context of the belief that I can not do this. In a way I fear to be the best I can be, because I know that within my preprogrammed accepted and allowed nature, I would abuse being the best or being great in some way. I mean I feel like any desire to be great, no matter how noble sounding, is something that can be so easily converted into an act of self interest as the ultimate starting point. From this perspective, I now see that it is necessary to forgive the belief that doing what is best for all is something that is noble and good and profound and amazing and special, and simply accept it as a common sensical expression of who I am, in understanding and recognition of what life as the physical is. 

From this belief, which is really just based on a point of inferiority as a self belief, the tendency to create and keep back doors open is expected. The point is not to compensate for the inferiority and try to be superior and do more than what is realistic, because I know now that every time I get a big idea about how I’m going ti change myself and the world and its all going to be so amazing and great. Maybe it starts out well, but eventually fades as it was based on the mind and an energetic charge created by the friction of both positive and negative as inferior/superior that exist in my mind as beliefs.

I fear to support others, not in everyday life, but formally through the life-coaching course that I am taking, and not progressing at as quickly as I’d like to. My fear is that I will fall and then I will disappoint the person I am supporting – and yet by allowing this fear, it is in fact just a clever excuse to not have to commit myself and ensure that I do not fall – in acting like the fear is real and I have no control over it, I am actually just trying to find another way to stay the same and not change. This doesn’t make sense, I should be setting these priorities and goals, even if they are difficult at first, even with all the resistance, because eventually it does become easier and the past habits that hold me back become irrelevant. I am not saying that there are not real world conditions to consider, I mean I can’t be unrealistic about how much I can take on, but I know I am capable of more and this is only possible by stepping outside of my comfort zone and accepting new challenges. Every moment should be a new challenge, really.

I’ve got to be practical about process and not put the idea of quantity and doing more above doing what is necessary common sense. What is the point of writing a JTL blog if I have not done real work on myself that day and made real progress: to look good in the opinions of others?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that to stand up is something special or noble or profound which I am incapable of, due to how I had seen and defined being special and profound and noble as things that were virtually impossible to be because they were lived within a self dishonest starting point of self interest and a misunderstanding of life as one and equal – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself with both the temptation and the resistance to being good/great/noble/profound/special and simply see, realize and understand that this process is a simple process of walking with oneself in a process where I explore, uncover and discover who I am as life in every moment through breath and continuously stopping participation in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the privileges and gifts I have found myself with in this life in the name of my own fear and self interest, not realizing that these gifts are here to support me as who I really am as life as my starting point, not to support my self interest and success in terms of having money, things and status

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create back-doors in my process to not stand absolutely in moments where my ego attempts to take revenge on my by tempting me with the feeling/energetic experience I get from participating in the mind

I commit myself to stick to the simplicity of breath in terms of what I allow within myself and to stick to the common sense of not participating in activities that exist as old patterns/habits as what I participate in, in my outside world

I commit myself to stop the desire to be special

I commit myself to apply myself practically in this process in terms of putting myself first in addressing what really needs attention and ensuring that my work is relevant and effective, to not simply repeat patterns of things I know how to do already or talking about things I know already, and to rather walk my process of study, investigation, exploring, applying myself. I commit myself to never use process as a way of being special or getting attention

I commit myself to utilize the privileges and gifts I have been given to support myself in self honest common sense and to no longer abuse them in the name of self interest as the insane desire for an energetic experience of myself

I commit myself to live in such a way and make specific agreements and commitments to dedicate myself absolutely to this process, as participations/activities that ensure that I will remain here and continue to apply myself in self honesty and self forgiveness as breath