Tag Archives: practical

Day 340: Writing as a tool

 

In the past I had kind of a mystical idea about writing self forgiveness. It made complete sense to me to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allow myself to be and become as I could see that what I had become did not serve me and was not really who I was, but was just an idea of who I am and how I should live that I copied from my society and those who came before me, in order to fit in and survive. But when I would do self forgiveness, aside from understanding what needed to be forgiven, I had vague idea about it, like if I just wrote the forgiveness then there would be this magical shift within myself where suddenly all of my desires and habits would just stop and I would just sort of magically change. I did not see the importance of being specific in exactly how that self forgiveness would be lived in real time.

 

My self forgiveness was impractical and that is what I am focusing on at the moment – making sure that writing is a self directive tool, akin to how, for instance, a scientist may use writing as a tool in his process of discovery and testing things out. The scientist will observe what is going on and then take notes so he can understand the habits/qualities/properties etc. of something, then will attempt and try different things to try and achieve whatever it is he is trying to achieve, but in that process, will use writing along the way to script and outline what he is going to do, and also to write about the effectiveness of it, what worked and what didn’t, why it did or didn’t work etc.

 

The same thing applies to my writing in my process. Yes, sometimes I will write blogs on general points that give general insights or perspectives or stories on certain points, but for myself, in being practical in moving forward in my process, remember what this process is all about in the first place: changing myself to live a life that is best for me and all life, so that I can practically correct myself and live life anew, it is crucial that I use writing effectively in real time: that means to write about real events, to write about the actual thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience, to outline, point by point, what are the mental processes that unfolded so that when the same point arises, I can see the point and ‘stop the mind in it’s tracks’ as these same habitual mental processes unfold.

 

I remember someone once pointing out to me that I can’t even remember all the thoughts I had yesterday, and it was true, and I didn’t necessarily see the relevance of this (other than the obvious point of how oblivious/controlled I am), which he then pointed out to me: that that would be self honest. To actually remember, is an act of self honesty – not ignoring what transpired and what happened that formed who I am now and what I do/how I behave now, so actually see and understand what created me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be impractical in my use of writing, believing that if I simply write and do self forgiveness, then things will just magically change and be better, within defining such acts as simply ‘good’ without considering how the point of writing must be a practical tool to identify and forgive patterns, and then script exactly how I would walk the process of change practically in real time, and to use writing to directly support and facilitate this process

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not utilize writing as a specific tool to support myself and direct myself and establish my self change in walking my process, then there is no point in writing at all, as I would then be justifying my mistakes through the belief that I am doing something good and changing while no actual practical change is taking place

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with who I am and what I have become as all of the mistakes that I make and everything that is wrong with me, and judge myself because of this, and that within being overwhelmed, I attempt to try and deal with everything at once, and become unspecific and vague and too broad in my writing, and that I have not allowed myself to stop, breathe, and give myself patience and time to deal with myself one point at a time, within the certainty and commitment of applying myself every day to make progress, point by point in effectiveness, until it is done

 

I commit myself to ensure that my writing is effective in taking on one point at a time, and working with the actual points as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience in my daily living so that I can investigate what has transpired, how it played out, and thus how I can correct myself practically the next time such a point arises in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to write with self direction and specificity

 

I commit myself to not try and take on too many points at a time and look at a point too broadly, and simply work with what is here as my inner experiences of the mind, as I see, realize and understand that I now have the tools to practically do so with effectiveness, and commit myself to walk this process and walk through the resistance that I may experience to utilizing such tools

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Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?

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Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.