Tag Archives: creation

Day 335: Are we creators, or consumerist clones?


From an early age observed other kids in my neighborhood and how every single other kid seemed to have more than I did. When I am self honest and I really look back at some of my long-forgotten childhood memories I see that there were instances where I observed how those who had more seemed to be ‘better off’ somehow, like they were more successful somehow, had more fun, even behaved as if they were superior to me somehow – and then there were the television commercials that presented the stuff that they had (at this age it was mostly toys) as being the most amazing things – so I really had this sense of missing out on something and that I needed to get that which I did not have.


We all seem to go through this basic point through varying extents because to a degree, the amount of wealth we are born into does have a significant impact on the overall quality of our lives and the experience of ourselves, at least within the context of the socioeconomic climate that we live in of competition and hierarchy.


A common result of this is the “the grass is greener on the other side” syndrome – where what we believe we desire doesn’t so much have anything to do with the thing itself, but more so with the underlying status of it, and the fact that it is in the hands of another and not ourselves. We tend to want what others have.


The reason I am bringing this point up is that – if you have read some of my past blogs posts, you’ll see that I’ve written quite extensively on relationships – and my interest is how this underlying psychological condition of ‘wanting what we don’t have’ plays a significant role in how relationships so often end up being about having control over another.


In our world, everything has become commodified – from nature to people to animals – we are so deluded by ‘the way of the world’ of competition and the desire to be dominant and have power and control, that virtually everything that is a part of our life becomes an acquisition in the pursuit of the personal empires we build for ourselves. I was completely unaware of this point within myself until another pointed it out for me – how I had the idea of what ‘a perfect life’ would be in my mind, as I observed in my reality what it mean to be ‘successful’ – the perfect house, car, wife, family, toys – possessions – we tend to not see this about ourselves and how we live because we become possessed by our possessions and the pursuit thereof – that’s why it is called brainwashing, because you don’t know you’re brainwashed (usually until reality gives you a hard smack in the face, if you don’t take it upon yourself proactively to investigate yourself).


My interest at this point is how this point of ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ and desiring humans as commodities for relationships fuels the so-called ‘physical attraction’ between men and women. Each gender has what the other does not. And if the attraction is homosexual rather than heterosexual, the point is still that one is desiring access to something that another has.


I have not investigated this point in depth, but to ignore the way in which we are socialized and it’s influence on the way we think, feel and experience ourselves, towards ourselves and others, would be foolish. We may not understand how, we may not yet know why, and so this directly indicates that there is ‘more than meets the eye’ in terms of the underlying reason for why we are the ways that we are. After all, we are only actually aware of about %10 of our minds as the conscious mind. Most of us, if asked the question why we like what we like tend to answer “because I like it” – this is called circular logic, something we tend to attribute to those who subscribe to something religiously. Are our likes, desires and preferences our religions? Has the desire to acquire possessions and consume our way to happiness not become a way of life on earth?


Letting go of desire is liberating to the nth degree, but as I have found, is not always so simple as the programming/conditioning of our culture/society exist at mostly a subconscious level – but what is possible is to make a commitment to work towards understanding ourselves sufficiently to be able to let go, and to make the commitment to ourselves to be ready to let go – we will lose everything anyways – and if there is any real ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ why we are here on earth it is to show us that – that the fear of loss and subsequent desire to feel ‘alive’ through consuming, acquiring possessions and building monuments/legacies to ourselves is the greatest con we have ever convinced ourselves of, the greatest cosmic joke we have played on ourselves. What we perceive as ‘losing everything’ – that which we feat most – is giving up nothing for everything because we give up a lie to be able to embrace the truth: that there is nothing to gain: and within that, there is nothing to lose.


We can continue to believe that the systems of win and loss that we have indoctrinated ourselves with are real, or we can stop playing games with ourselves, grow up and take self responsibility in realizing that we are the source of it all to begin with, that there is no religion – theological, consumerist or otherwise – there is only us, and that which we experience of ourselves in this reality is only ever based on that which we create and give to ourselves. This truth of creation applies to absolutely ever facet and level of our lives and our selves. To see where we have abdicated and given away this power of ourselves is the journey to understanding what it means to create.

Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

Day 273: Insecurity


Today, before writing this, I experienced a feeling like I don’t know what to write about, as I often do when I go to write my blog. I always walk through this experience now because I know too well that there is all kinds of shit that requires my attention, so sometimes I will read blogs or listen to interviews/watch videos to get the ball rolling. The word ‘insecurity’ had come up recently in a song I discovered that I really liked, it is called ‘Soulmate’ by the band ‘No Use for a Name’ (the word soulmate referring to deep seeded insecurity) and I really liked the lyrics when I read them. They struck a chord with me (har har). Then tonight, I read a blog about insecurity and relationships, and recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding in my relationship, so after reading this blog it was like ok, time to look at this point of insecurity.

I suppose it is a normal thing, and just as I have not questioned it for so long, I’m sure neither have so many others who constantly live within such a point. What is insecurity? Fear of loss, the certainty that the future outcome of one’s life is one that is not desirable. It is intertwined with fear and anxiety, where -based on the way we live, and who we accept and allow ourselves to be – we create a life of insecurity with fear and anxiety as our main experience of ourselves. The fear and anxiety can then easily turn into anger when the prospect of real loss looms or even appears to loom and threatens our security – but our security can only ever be threatened if we are in-security (insecure) to begin with.

How do I create the experience of insecurity as a mathematical certainty of a future outcome that is not best? By living a life where I abdicate my self responsibility, where I do not stand in my own stead of self responsibility, living the life and creating a self that would be ideal, but rather look to/depend on others to do such a thing. We tend to believe that we can attain an ideal self/experience of self by depending on/drawing from the world around us. Just like we are conditioned to believe that we can buy our happiness, or that having a relationship will complete us, or that if we get that great new house/car/toy/job/whateverthefuckyoulike, then everything will apparently be great in our lives. The more we believe that we are not sufficient, that we can do do it for ourselves, that we can not be self responsible – we go looking outside of ourselves and this is such a great fall that we create that crippling experience of insecurity, where we obsess about controlling out reality and getting what we desire.

When abdicate ourselves and our ability to take self responsibility and live a life of real value that considers all life in equality, we create this kind of demonic/vampiric entity that needs to be fed to stay alive, and before you know it, we just become consumers, obsessed with consuming goods and whatever it is that will fill that endless void, that insatiable appetite – it will never be enough because it is a void that we created in the first place! This entity will then do anything it can to hold onto its food source, its energy source. It is insecure because it knows that – as something that was created – it is temporary. We abandon ourselves and let the demons/vampires take over, and then wonder why we are so insecure, why enough is never enough.

So, what would then happen if we did not abandon ourselves, but rather took self responsibility and do all in our power to ensure that we are creating a self/world that is best, with an outcome that is certain to be best for all life? In my experience, the more I give up, the less insecure I am. Conversely, the more I hold onto old habits/patterns/addictions and don’t get real about taking responsibility to create a life/self that is best for all – the more insecure I am, and the more I depend on others/things I have separated myself from, to fulfill me. That is no way to live. And this is a deep awareness of what we are accepting and allowing in our lives, it may not necessarily be something that one is aware of in their conscious mind.

So I have found this is the key to stopping all insecurity – stand up and take self responsibility for one’s life in stopping old vices as habits/patterns/addictions, and rather take self directive principle and create a self/world that is best for all life – then you will have all the security one could ever need because it has been created so.

That’s all for today. To be continued.

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.

Day 179: Self design through backchat

I noticed something fascinating yesterday about backchat, when I was writing in my backchat diary. I noticed that the backchat that I was having (and tend to have) in my mind was directly related to tendencies I have in my actions, and so here I realize that when I am having backchat in my mind, I am actually on my way to acting out in a particular specific way based on my backchat as thinking – or in other words, as mentioned in my DIP course material, I am actually designing myself. This struck me as even though I had read this word, design, in my course material, it did not ‘click’ at first, because for me the word ‘design’ is like a very technical word, and specifically is for me has the connotation of being something that one is deliberately, consciously doing with full awareness – yet backchat is just the opposite of that, as one tend to not even notice and have already accepted that the voices in the head of backchat are in fact ‘who they are’.

Within writing out my backchat for a few days now, I am already beginning to see patterns in my thinking, things that are reflective of my character and how I’ve been in my life and thus, how I will continue to be, as it all starts with the backchat. I would like to now finish this lesson I am working to begin to trace this backchat and reverse engineer it to see where exactly it is all coming from – I mean it is a bit scary to say the least that I do not even know why I think the thoughts I do, and have no control over them, and thus no real directive principle over my life as long as backchat is existing and thoughts in the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and embrace the fact that I am, in every moment, literally designing and creating myself through/as my thoughts and backchat, whether I realize it or not, or whether I am aware of it or not

Thus I commit myself to write out my backchat in every moment that I am able to, to enable myself to see who I am and what I am doing and actually take directive principle in my life, to no longer have to live in fear, inferiority and uncertainty, but actually live in the certainty of self directive principle within awareness

Day 167: Daily input

I forgive that I’ve not allowed myself to see and live the realization that: what I put into myself will determine who I am and consequently, who I am based on what I accept and allow within and as myself is also the input that I put into others/this world and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that if I want to see a change in others/my world, I must be the change/input into others/this world that assist and support others to change through the input I put into them as that which I live and exist as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have trapped myself into a pattern based on memories, where, based on my memories, I had accepted myself as something ‘less than’ and others/my world as ‘greater than’ and within this, believed that I am too small and weak to overcome this and have any kind of relevant place in this world – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to dedicate myself to the pursuit of success based on my own self accepted and allowed inferiority, and within this process of working to achieved success as power/control/dominance, that I’ve allowed myself to create within myself the experience of achieving success/control/power/dominion as something great/amazing and that I’ve allowed myself to believe that the adrenaline rush which I experience within this – to be real and who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with others when I am able to stop and breathe and be the support/self directive principle they require, and that I have not allowed myself to realize that my frustration is not about them, but rather it is about me and my own inability to support/direct them

I commit myself to put input into myself that has real value as the value of life, as I input into myself the value of life so that I may be and become a being that values life

I commit myself to stop the pattern of wanting to achieve dominance from a starting point of self created inferiority – when and as I see myself pursuing this kind of dominance as power and control, and the adrenaline rush/positive energy high that I get from it – I stop, breathe, I realize that I am here as breath and that I can be nothing more/higher and that anything ‘higher’ is merely coming from a point of existing as lower and thus if I want to be a real being that value and care for life, I must stop my own self created inferiority/superiority complex

I commit myself to stop allowing myself be frustrated with others – when and as I see myself becoming frustrated with others, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this frustration is only about me and my own deficiencies, and I remain here in the moment to be the support/input that others require which I would like to see to create a world that is best for all – I do not participate in judgments related to frustrations about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 161: Feelings and emotions as mind control

Tonight I had another fascinatingly shitty experience. I am currently living in a foreign country – Thailand – and magically, my bank card – which is my only access point to my money, magically stopped working. This coming at a time where I am establishing myself in this country – so, I literally found this out the moment when I went to pay for the new vehicle I had bought, and was also planning to finally rent out a new apartment for myself.

With no clear indication as to why my card stopped working, I also joyfully found out that every single number that my bank offers for international calls – does not work from Thailand. When I finally managed to reach someone at my branch, they gave me a number to call collect, I found out that collect calls do not work from cell phones in Thailand. Finally, I managed to figure out that skype would allow me to dial one of the banks 800 numbers.

After 6 hours of anger and frustration, I managed to sort all of this out – but wow, it was amazing how emotional I became about all of this. Plenty of fear, but predominantly, anger and frustration – this was compounded by the fact that I had could easily find every reason to be angry at the bank because from a certain perspective, their system had in fact failed me. As a paying customer, ‘I deserved better’.

Now, to step away from all of this emotions that I had experienced, I can actually recall some very critical points to consider – mainly that I in fact live in a world where people are constantly disregarded by the system every day and suffer much worse than I ever have. Yet, I had all of this anger and mental activity because this was about ME and MY fear. As much as I did not want to (and that resistance also contributed to the anger) I worked fervently for 6 hours to sort out this situation. So of course I have to ask the question: why do I not respond with the same sense of urgency and importance for those others who suffer worse than I?

After saying some self forgiveness on this experience, I was noticed once again how emotions are so easily able to be used to control and manipulate us, and this is the reason we are not standing up for others. We are controlled by our own fears which makes us turn to either fight them or take flight from them, and then find all kinds of ways to escape them through love and positive feelings. This is why the world does not change and we are creating massive consequences for which we are all due in time to face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry due to the fear of loss that I have created and allowed to be existent within me and within this, that I have used knowledge of a failed system as blame and justification for these emotions which I in fact create, and allow which keep me enslaved and deceived

More on this in part 2…