Tag Archives: equal

Day 317: The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following Principles:

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Advertisements

Day 252: Giving to receive

Image

Today I was quite irritated. It was not a nice experience. Fucked up my whole day and made it difficult to concentrate on work. I retraced by steps and tried to see how it all started – drawing from both recent memory/experiences and also long term memory/experiences from things that happened to me way back in my life which have had an effect on the person I am today and how I view things.

The irritation was based on a point of feeling ‘unfulfilled’ – like I just was not satisfied. But it had to do with the behavior of another, where I had blamed another for this experience of being unsatisfied. When in fact it was me who created this experience through desiring to have a particular kind of experience with this person in the first place, by having certain expectations and desires about this person and my experience with them. Wanting to experience something positive. It is fascinating how through our desire to create a positive experience, we actually create the exact opposite – or maybe we do create the positive experience for a time, but then set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment through setting this experience as the new standard which we then impose and expect to be met, and the expectation isn’t met. 

Not only this, but by living in such a way where we impose these expectations on others/our reality, we end up getting imposed on the same way. Eventually it just turns in a bunch of relationships where everyone is just using each other for the experience they want. When someone brings us this experience, we play favorites with them and then they are apparently the people that we like’ or ‘love’ and all of a sudden we have given this person an ‘added value’, where they are all of a sudden ‘special’ or ‘more important’ than other people – but it’s not hard to look around at our world and see how these ‘special’ relationships always end up: in disappointment, anger, bitterness and resentment. We then distance ourselves and try to avoid those people who do not bring us such an experience.

It does not make sense to live this way. What matters is to see past the current circumstance we live in, because this world is not an equal playing ground and thus we have driven by a systematized way of living of having ‘friends and enemies’ based on how people suit our wants, needs and desires. Is this really a fair way to regard others, given the fact that no one really has control over where they are born, what their conditions are and thus whether or not they are able to be ‘of worth’ to others or not?

Sometimes it is difficult to understand why others do not live up to our expectations, when it seems like such a simple thing to us to do so – but it is necessary to again recognize that this world is not an equal playing ground and thus while it might come of ease for some to be of greater service/value to others, it may be extremely difficult for others to be of such service/value based on the little value/service they were given in life.

Sometimes we forget our privilege and what comes naturally to us as ‘respect’ and ‘caring for others’ does not come as easily for some others. Living a life of value should thus be measure by what we are able to give to others – not what we are able to take – because those who are in a position to give receive the greatest reward and fulfillment that is beyond any kind of material reward or feeling of reward. Conversely, those who are limited in what they can give and do for others are those who suffer the most because it is only a reflection of what they have been given and thus even a reflection of what they give to themselves. 

The real mistake that I had made was giving to receive. Giving with the expectation that giving will always be equal in form – how can it be equal in form, when again, I am able to give more than others may be able to, due to the advantages I was born into in this life? Giving should thus not be measured in such a way. Giving should be unconditional. Giving should not be about having an expectation of some kind of return, even if the return is feeling good about ourselves for the fact that we gave – giving can only exist within the framework of our understanding and education, as a reflection of ourselves that we understand the very real circumstances which I have outlined, that plague and haunt our relationships and interactions. In other words, giving should only be the common sense recognition of sharing of ourselves that which is required to be shared to assist and support others where assistance and support is required. If we start splitting hairs about who gives more, or who we should give to and who not to give to, or which form of giving is right or wrong – we will never make any real progress, and rather still allow ourselves to be limited to and enslaved by the conditions that we are born into, which we have inherited from those who went before us.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give out of the desire to receive, to want to have a particular kind of positive energetic experience, and that I have allowed myself to disappoint myself through such a desire, in wanting/expecting a positive experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define giving within a moral context as ‘being right’ to give and quantify it as apparently, the more you give, the better you are – not taking into consideration that those who are able to give more are only able to do so because they are born into a world system where they are set up in such a way that they are always taking more, and never questioning the inequality and injustice that makes thiefs look good and charitable

We do this at a massive scale, for instance in western countries whose wealth is built on generations of abuse and manipulation, and then we come as saviors to the places who have been rendered destitute by such corruption

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that giving is simply a recognition of the reality of this world and that within such an understanding it may be necessary to support/direct/assist certain points, and that this is to in no way be defined by pre-existent conditions of identity/self definition

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have limited and defined giving/caring/support to certain forms that I express and within this, believing that if this exact same form/action is not reciprocated, that I am not being cared for/respected/supported/given to, not realizing that I am being self righteous in defining giving/caring/support to what which I am able to do, putting myself on a pedestal as being apparently superior 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to/support/care for others unconditionally, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play favorites with those who I support/give to through defining them as special, based on how much I believe they may be able to give to me

I commit myself to give unconditionally as a recognition of what is necessary to be done to assist/support others, in whatever form is necessary, and to whomever necessary – even and especially if it is me what requires to give to me, so that I can then be more effective in giving to/supporting others

I commit myself to stop giving only to receive as having secret desires to receive as my starting point to receive, and to stop creating expectations for myself to be fulfilled, which always lead to disappointment

When and as I see myself trying to create a positive experience with others – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand this tendency to give within a morality context of trying to make a ‘positive experience’ for myself and the other, and how this is will only lead to disappointment as the giving is still based in desire and self interest, under the guise of morality – and this I do not participate in my desire to create this kind of experience and give in this way, as it arises in my thoughts/feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/experiencing myself as if I am not being given to/cared for/loved/supported and thus experiencing a point of disappointment/anger/frustration – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how this is a reflection of how I have not in fact given of myself to myself and others, through acting from a starting point of desire, and how I have set myself up for this disappointment – and thus I do not allow/participate on such thoughts/feelings/emotions, but rather give myself the support through breath and writing to see why I am experiencing myself in such a way and what exactly it is that I have created as a desire for myself, and how I have sabotaged myself through giving from a starting point of wanting to take/receive

Day 245: What is the context of our personal challenges?

Image

No matter what goes on in this world and how bad things get, we humans are a stubborn lot and we just don’t seem to learn, just can’t seem to manage to figure out that message that guys like Jesus left us 2000 years ago to love our neighbours as ourselves. It seems like this system of control that we have created for ourselves to keep us blind, dumb and stupid to what is really going on in this world. It’s December now and here in Canada masses of people will be busy brainwashing themselves with the illusion of created with Christmas with feelings of love while the worlds plight descend to a new low. What magnificent beings of love and light we are.

Is it really so hard to see what is going on? Are we really so weak and pathetic that we can’t even stand to look at ourselves and reality in the face? Are we really so evil that we can continue living lives of hedonism and self interest and turn a blind eye, not implicating ourselves as equal contributors to the mess that this world is in?

Everyone has it within themselves to rise to these challenges – and the world will become a more and more challenging place to exist in – but it is like people we have allowed ourselves to become so weak, so disconnected from ourselves, we have given our power away to ‘higher powers’ (whatever form each person’s ‘higher power’ comes in is variable) so extensively that standing up for life, literally looks impossible. Imagine that – brainwashing that is so effective and pervasive that we actually believe that making this world into a place that is best for all life is impossible. We have come to love our self abuse, our plight – we identify with it, we believe it is us, just because it is all that we’ve ever known.

This pathology of weakness carries on and on and we spend our lives running from reality, doing whatever it takes to not have to consider and investigate what is really going on in this world. That is why every now and then, some trauma is quite useful, as life’s way of showing you what the fuck is really up. What happens in situations of trauma? We can either fold and crawl back under a rock with our tails between our legs – or we can sand up. Have you ever had a tough experience in life, a cold, hard dose of reality, and realized that you simply have to act, to stand up? I mean, what else is there to do?

I understand how hard it is to change. I understand how difficult it is to get out of your own illusion. I understand how hard it is to give up the things you think you like, that give you that nice little feeling of happiness that we’re so addicted to. I am challenged by it everyday and my past habits/patterns/addictions echo with me every day in my mind as waning thoughts that gradually decrease in intensity every time that I do not accept and allow myself to participate in them. We are our own worst enemies, and within that, we are a threat to life. While giving up your self interest and learning to honor life seems like such a difficult thing – what is it worth to you, to stop the suffering that exists in this world? How important are your little vices and preferences and belief when compared to the absolutely monolithic scale of suffering that is taking place on earth, without anyone even really noticing or caring? The petty shit we constantly preoccupy ourselves with is really nothing when you see what it really going on 

There are consequences to all of this. We are in big shit. I mean, really big shit. We may as well give up everything now because it is going to be taken away from us sooner or later. Everyone dies, but not everybody is prepared to die. We will have to give up everything inevitably, and yet no one wants to give up everything. How stupid is that? And yet we cling onto the illusion that we can hold onto it all and that we can even ‘own’ it – ownership being a form of human delusion unto itself – not realizing that the more we cling on, the more we lose, the more we lose ourselves to an illusion, and then we just become losers. Addicted to the happy feelings and thought that we believe to be so real, like a ‘loser’ drug addict – it really makes people pathetically weak. Do we actually believe money will save us? Do we actually believe that positive thinking and happy feelings with save us? We know they are all fleeting. We’ve all experience this. And yet, we just don’t seem to get it. 

The best trauma for all of this is breath – stop the illusions that exist in your mind as your thoughts,, feelings and emotions, because they are just fear anyways. It is a ‘pro-active’ way of facing the inevitable end, because rather than having things end horribly as an experience because you’re being forced to give up your illusions, you are rather doing it for yourself, slowly but surely – not to mention that in the meantime, you are learning about life and how to care for life and how to enjoy life – and not even to mention making this place a better place for all other life, if that is at all on your radar.

This post is not meant to judge, because we ALL do this in some capacity of another. It is a reminder to self of the actual seriousness and scope of what we are a part of – this all means much more than you or I, this world is much bigger than we as individuals – but perhaps we don’t see that because we have not even realize that who we really are is much bigger than who we believe ourselves to be, as the illusions we have created of ourselves in separation to life. What seems like each persons greatest most insurmountable challenge – that which they could hardly even conceive that they are capable of doing because it is apparently so beyond them – is they key to finding out who we really are as life. Challenge yourself. Challenge everything. Embrace a bit of trauma every now and again – be it from your own gentle wake up call of breath, or the harsh hand of consequence – face it all, and have fun.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand what is actually at stake with regards to my process and transcending points of self-limitation

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that process does not have to be so difficult if it is self directive, that it does not have to be a point of ‘pushing’ myself through resistances because I have given them power, but rather that I am able to simply stop, breathe, recognize what must be done, and simply walk this point in doing whatever is necessary to be done, as a simply recognition in self honesty and self trust

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others may think of me – and that I have not allowed myself to look at my own illusions to see what is really real and what is of real value/importance/priority

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid the inevitable – giving up everything and becoming part of the process that is taking place here on earth

I commit myself to stop the mind through breath and embrace all that I experience as ‘trauma’, in contrast to the illusion that I have created within/as myself as the mind – I commit myself to give myself the support I require to stop all illusions as breath and employ tools like self honesty, and self forgiveness in written word, spoken word and deed

When and as I see myself wanting to follow the mind and using excuses/justifications as to why I can apparently follow the mind without consequences – I stop, I breathe, I realize the actual context of reality that I exist within and that I am actually creating myself and my consequences as this world in every moment, and thus I do not allow myself to participate in such delusions as my thoughts, feeling and emotions

I commit myself to continue to educate myself to give myself the strength and resolve to stand as life, by giving myself the education of life – to exist here purely within/as the physical, equal and one – stopping all illusions as fear and inferiority

Day 210: What we all seem to miss about activism and changing the world

http://cathy4worldequality.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/desteni-i-process.jpg

While some of us may recognize the fact that there are some serious issues in our world that require our attention, or there are even those who understand the problem more holistically in recognizing that it is the entire world that needs to change, there is often a point that is still missed within that: ourselves.

There is a tendency to focus on our exterior reality as if it is some foreign entity that we are completely disconnected from – the mistake here that we do not fully recognize that the world is a reflection of ourselves, that the world as it exists today with all of its fuckups is something that we have created. So it is the human that really needs to change.

So what is the human? By design we are a biological robot, but what is it that animates us? What is the driving force behind the biological robot? It would be nice to say that it was life/a life force – but if that were the case, then we as life would not have created the abomination we have as how our world exist today. What is driving the human is something we call the mind. The mind exist as information – that information obviously is comprised of words which form all of the ideas, opinions and beliefs that we carry within ourselves.

What exist within and as our mind dictates everything we do, think, feel believe, it becomes ‘who we are’ in essence. So if we need to change the human, it is common sense that we needs to change our minds.

This is all not to mention the degree to which we have neglected our minds, ignored what went into our minds as it’s input as our cultural living experience, media, education etc. Such little emphasis is put on what is going into our minds – I mean it is not even common knowledge that this is how it all works: that we are in essence programmable robots.

We can pretend that there is nothing wrong with our current state of being as the information we exist as within and as our minds, but given the direct connection that I’ve just demonstrated to our minds and this reality we have created – all the evidence clearly indicate that there is something severely wrong with the human mind. We are infected with destructive information, destructive beliefs, destructive meanings and definitions of ourselves and the world around us. The even scarier part here is that we simply have no control over the mind – on the contrary, it controls us completely. I mean do you actually choose the thoughts you have? Or do they just come up randomly? Do you actually say “well I’m going to have this thought now” and then a thought pops up? No – if you are self honest you will see that the thoughts just come up, the mind keeps on running non-stop. We can ‘try and be good people’ all we want. We can believe all kinds of things and do all kinds of physical acts to try and counter the mind, to try and deny the truth of ourselves as what we currently exist as – but the mind still remains – the problems still persist, the thoughts in the mind keep on coming and keep on influencing us. And have a look at your thoughts, the nature of them: they are greedy, spiteful, selfish, fearful – would you actually believe that someone existing within such an experience of themselves is trustworthy with life and capable of making any real difference for the betterment of life on earth?

We have got to actually face ourselves as what we have become as the mind. We’ve got to actually look at the thoughts we are having, look at all the information as beliefs, perceptions and ideas, deconstruct them, understand to see how and why they were formed and through what experiences/influences we allowed them to be formed.

That is why the world doesn’t change, because we don’t do this. We focus on the outside world and that’s why we never change and are therefore never capable of effecting real change in our reality – we don’t ‘mean business’, we’re not serious about changing the world if we don’t change ourselves, we’re not for real. That is why activism as it currently exists has never changed a goddamn thing. No activist has ever made a lasting change in this world for the betterment of all life because they never removed their own self interest from the equation. Anyone hiding behind the excuse of apparent ‘activism’ and ‘looking to take action’ only somewhere out there in their world, as if they are not part of the problem as who they are, as how they live and what they have become, is just bullshitting themselves and everyone else around them. Continuing to look at this all like it is just some past-time activity and not even having the self respect and self honesty to go – shit man, I really need to change, who I am is unacceptable.

It takes real guts, you have to really look at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself tough questions, face tough shit, consider all the things you don’t want to consider, give up all the things you don’t want to give up – that is the real truth of every single human and who we really are and why the world doesn’t change – our self interest and our denial to look at it self-honestly and change it.

We can’t keep ignoring this, ignoring the truth of ourselves and hiding behind bullshit excuses like ‘activism’ and the pissing contest it has become. “What are you doing to change the world??” The question is based on a completely flawed premise. The real question is “who are you within this world?” – and that is something we can only answer for ourselves in self honesty. Don’t change what you do – change who you are – because it is who you are that will dictate everything that you will do.

Day 180: Alone – all one

There is no greater experience of aloneness than to have fully accepted that you need and require another outside of yourself in order to live and be happy.

I noticed an interesting thing today about the desire to be with others, which is based in the fear of being alone: that it is a very strange thing because whether we like it or not, being in the company of others is an unavoidable fact of life, and is the very way that our society functions which we depend on for survival. And perhaps some do not like this fact – there are people in this world who claim they don’t like being around others and prefer to be alone and I have been one of these people – however this negativity about people is in fact just the other side of the coin of the way in which we have created positive ideas (for ourselves) in the way that we have defined our relationships with other words. In other words, we often define our relationships to others in a way that primarily benefits us in some way or another. As this is obviously a destructive way of living as it is not based on what is best for all, it will tend to create conflict and all kinds of strife in one’s life. This behavior may continue and eventually one may become sick of it, yet we tend to do this without any real awareness of our starting point in our behavior/interaction with others, and so rather than find effective ways to change our starting point to one that is beneficial and constructive for both sides, one may simply begin to avoid people and prefer to be alone because this aloneness really represents a form of peace from the otherwise known way of interacting with and experiencing relationships with others.

But what one in this situation will notice as I have, is that the avoidance and preferring to be alone and experience these happy ‘alone moments’ is not a solution to the original problem, and so one will still have the desire to experience people, at least to some degree, for the same basic reasons/starting point. So what then happens is that one will begin moving back and forth between the polarities of wanting to be with others and not wanting to be others, in the exact same way that we begin defining some people as ones we like and as others we don’t like, simply based on our experiences with them, and based on our starting point of ‘does this person suits me/my needs or not’.

This might sound harsh to some, but my question is: if all life were equal (and it is, but we simply do not recognize it as such) then why would a person miss another person? If we lived in a world without friends and enemies, then would someone’s absence be perceived as a loss? If we did not have those ‘special people’ in our lives, would we miss anyone as we do now? If survival and making ourselves feel better about ourselves had not become a central part of human life, would we still desire to be with the people that contribute to our survival and make us feel better about ourselves? If you were equal to them, then in their absence, nothing would be lost, because you are their equal – because everyone is their equal. Even in the event of their death, the fact that they are continuing on through death into other life forms that are also valued as equal should be an acceptable fact without sadness, as simply another step in the journey if existence.

While this kind of understanding of life seems beyond me and I’m sure many others at this stage of our life and development (or lack thereof), it is impossible for me to ignore the common sense of these facts. I mean we are all life, how can we miss ourselves? How can we desire to be with ourselves if we are all around? How can we desire to be with ourselves if we are everything?

In the pursuit to satiate my loneliness and desire for another, I have found myself in a desolate wasteland where everything seems so hollow, like there is nothing, nothing but hope that is so fickle and so brittle. Like being haunted by ghosts of the past wherein I believed myself to be alone and separate, that I needed others to fulfill me because I had accepted myself as not enough. And yet when I exorcise these ghosts and live here – actually live and go about my day engaging in all the activities that life may entail – there is no greater living experience of fulfillment because I am simply living as who I am, and within this, recognizing myself here as life, not as an idea or a perception or a feeling, but as an actual living statement of ‘I am here’ – not ‘here with myself’ or ‘here with another’ – I am here as life, as I live.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to abandon myself in the hope/search for fulfillment and happiness in another to preoccupy me from myself, from ever recognizing myself and living myself fully as who I am, and that I have allowed myself to dishonor and abuse myself through abdicating the life that I have been given to live and exist as which is sacred.

I commit myself to live here in every moment as me through physical actions that are in fact me moving me here as the physical, as life, wherein I live in a way that benefits myself as life to grow and expand myself as I give myself the recognition of who I am by living to my full potential – when and as I see myself going into distractions of the mind that provide me with a feeling/experience of being fulfilled because I am being stimulated and thus being given then experience that there is ‘something more’/’something extra’ to satiate the fear of my inferiority that I am not good enough and cannot be left alone, which I had accepted from a young age – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires, as my thoughts/feelings/emotions as energy, to want to further continue participating in accepting and allowing this energy to consume me as how I live.

Day 131: I can’t do it on my own – part 1


By working through some other points recently, I noticed that underlying these points was a general belief that I cannot do things on my own – a kind of self doubt/fear that I will not be able to support and direct myself effectively in my life – within both the context of survival as well as living a fulfilled life.

This is where I noticed that many of my desires to form relationships and friendships is coming from, it is where a lot of my frustrations and blame towards others for apparently/not being enough/or not doing what I want them to do/not being who I want them to be is coming from. It is like within this belief/fear is created desires where I want to control and mold my environment to have it set up to support me, satisfy me do things for me, as if I cannot do these things for myself.

I have a tendency of looking for help, and similarly I have a tendency to want to help others/believe others needs help, as a projection of myself – not realizing that by participating in these actions, I am further supporting/engraining the belief of inferiority/inadequacy/lack that I and others apparently exist in.

For instance, rather than investigate all possible options to educate myself on something, I will tend to look to another and ask them questions. This has tended to be the way I would do a lot of learning, and it is almost like a form of laziness. Why do it myself when another can just do the work for me and convey to me what they have found? The problem with this is that some things can only be learned/understood by self, for self, and this is especially the case with regards to supporting oneself to understand oneself and their reality. This is where so much of our desire for love and relationships/friendships comes from, where we want others to help us by making us feel better, as if we are not able to support ourselves. In this regard, our relationships with others as just distractions/diversions from ourselves to ever get to know/support ourselves and be self satisfied.

And of course this is where the fear of being alone comes from. I have made a habit out of depending on others around me too much to be supported and live/function/navigate in this world, and so out of this laziness and self belief of inferiority, I have trapped myself. I have used others in my life as resources of knowledge of the ways of the world so that I am not required to navigate my way and be self sufficient in these functions. I have done the same with having others as financial resources, and I have made the general association with others as being resources for both of these things. While the fact is: it is more than possible to survive in this world, and be alone. All one requires is to be able to work and educate themselves/become functional themselves in the ways of the world. And while others may become supportive in this process, it is not necessary to become dependant on others for this, and create/maintain relationships with others purely for this reason.

This fear of alone/being self sufficient then also influences my behaviors as participations within cultural norms – things like believing I must dress a certain way or even carrying definitions/beliefs about what apparently looks good or not – it is all just based within a desire to fit into a culture within the belief/association that I am dependant on this culture and being accepted by/fitting into this culture to survive! Or even for instance rooting for the same sport team as others in my culture – really, any form of agreement where I am in a form of agreement and can thus ‘fit in’ better to be part of the group which I believe I am dependent on, which I will then attempt to manipulate/direct to do my bidding where I am lazy and believe that I cannot do things for myself. I mean, it is amazing what those of high status, and who fit the ‘ideal role model’ of a culture, can get others to do to them simply because they are loved and revered. People will treat you differently and then try and align themselves with you by trying to please you by doing things for you, just to be closer to your high status. Messed up stuff.

Since personality in itself is essentially a survival mechanism, even things that I do to stimulate my personality play into this greater point of believing I can’t do it on my own – I need my personality to help me/guide me through life, and as long as I keep stimulating this personality so that I can continue existing through/within it, then I am using some thing that I created separate from myself as like a form of coping mechanism with which to live. “I can’t do this without my personality – then others will not accept me and I will be doomed because then, surely no one will help me!” Personality is then a coaxing mechanism, as well as a coping mechanism. Like how we tend to believe that we cannot do something if we do not ‘feel good’ or have a good feeling about what we’re doing as a positive energetic experience – but then what happens to us when we don’t feel positive – because it is impossible to sustain a positive feeling forever.

It is fascinating how we create beliefs/perceptions of things in our reality as separate from us which we then believe that we require/need – to have access to and control over – in order to be able to survive. It is from this point of separation as beliefs/self definitions that we are unable to stand one and equal to our reality and inferiority/lack is birthed.

So the ‘rabbit hole’ continues to get deeper and deeper. I will begin writing self forgiveness statements on these points in part 2 of this blog.