Tag Archives: girlfriend

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

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Day 295: Working with others – fight or flight?

I haven’t written in the last few days. Of course there are always excuses to not right – the biggest one is being ‘busy’ – when I have worked all day and then I have just a couple hours to myself at night, and because I have worked all day, I use that as an excuse, that I am tired and I need to just ‘take it easy’ – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I need a break” as a way of not applying myself in writing, not realizing that writing as daily self support is that which will assist me to gain directive principle in my life and actually have more clarity/self directiveness, and thus more ability to organize myself, and thus having more time and being more effective with that time – I commit myself to give these moments back to myself as I see and recognize the opportunity that I have in these moments and that I will not always have these moments and that there are millions of people who don’t have these moments.

Every time I write, it is like there is so much shit to deal with, I’m never quite sure where to start and what is the most important thing – this is really an indication of not knowing myself or being aware of the thoughts that are directing/possessing me every day and the reason why it is important to write daily and even to write out the thoughts as they come up, if possible. I’ve got to get a grip, frankly, so that my writing and application can become more consistent and effective. However what I noticed is that when I get to this point, it always seems to be difficult to ‘keep it together’ something always comes up that has me turn back to old vices because of my desire for things to always go smoothly, and to have set expectations for myself too low, by just being satisfied that I am writing daily and not giving in to old habits.

One way this can be described as well, would be as the ‘revenge of the ego’ – if you have not heard this interview, I recommend it. This is the thing that I have seen interfere with my process because essentially the excuses are based in survival – being ‘too busy’ is just another way of saying that I am too preoccupied with surviving – and what is it in specifically about surviving? It is the belief of the person I must be, it is the beliefs about what I want apparently and how things should go – the ‘perfect life’ design.

A huge point within this perfect life design is my point of relationships to other people. I have noticed that y standing with others affects me significantly, and that when there is conflict/adversity/hardship/struggles/arguments/disagreements, I find it extremely difficult to apply myself or expand myself in any way, because I go back into survival mode. In the past, my survival was of course largely dependent on other people, and this has influenced me greatly on this point. However what I did not consider then is that: I had no idea how anything in this world works, and I did not have any indication of being shown a way or that I could somehow figure out how everything works – and so I became dependent and believed that I was dependent.

This is no longer the reality and I can see, after writing the last couple paragraphs, that I am required to realign this point from ‘depending’ on others to ‘working’ with others. What is the difference? When I depend, it feels like there is no other way, it feels like this person or these people are my everything, my ‘be all end all’ and so if there is a threat of something going wrong, I will go into absolute fear and survival mode. I mean, people are really not perfect and it is so important to be able to work with people – with great care and consideration – whereas if I am depending on them as my starting point, I will feel completely stymied and limited if things don’t go well or they are experiencing problems of their own. If my starting point is that of working with people, this incorporates the practical common sense understanding that: people are in their own processes, sometimes it is important to look past the immediate, and that there is always another way, it is not necessary to react or become fearful when things are not working, it is not necessary to try to force anything – all I am able to do is work with a person, or perhaps just work with myself. The point here is to not ‘give up’ and ‘jump ship’ and constantly be angry or disappointed with people because they are not able to fit into the idea of what I am trying to do with my life.

However, there are still points within the last point I mentioned – ‘what I am trying to do with my life’ – that require to be brought to light in specificity and detail, so see what desires are real and what is not – like the desire for a wife/partner. I’ll save that for the next blog.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my tendency to depend on others is based in past experiences where I had no tools with which to support myself in this world and thus believed that I require others to be able to survive and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base who I am, what I will do and how I will experience myself based on what others do and whether or not others see me positively or negatively, or whether or not I have positive or negative experiences with others

I commit myself to not base what I do, how I feel and my living application/dedication to myself/process on other people and my experience with other people or my standing with other people as I see, realize and understand that ultimately, for everybody to find their way requires patience, diligence and careful application in working with self/others, and that it is simply not necessary to give up on process/tools of self support and to instead to give into survival mode, because I see, realize and understand that I now have the skills, understanding and tools with which to support myself and others and to set myself free – no matter what happens with others or how others react or how others feel about me or how I feel about others – I see, realize and understand that all moments that are experienced as ‘difficult/unpleasant/undesirable’ do in fact pass, and that if I do not accept and allow myself to be defined by such moments, I am giving myself the self trust and self support to apply myself effectively with these tools to be able to move forward – thus I commit myself to embrace moments of difficulty/challenge/friction/disagreement so that I may stand and test my resolve to not give up and go into ‘survival mode’ where I want to either ‘fight or flight’ – I remain here as breath and welcome the challenge as an opportunity to learn, grow and move forward

Day 230: Correcting myself within a relationship

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The following is an excerpt from my journal:

How do we change our relationship from a dependency to a support? If we do not do this, we will be damned.

I mean, do either of us want this experience of loneliness anymore? No. do either of us want this experience of not trusting each other anymore? No. I am not advocating a break up – I am advocating that we stick together and support each other in our own processes. We must not have secrets both with ourselves and with each other – and starting with ourselves first is what is important. I cannot ‘demand’ anything from her if she does not even understand what I mean, so certainly I have to make sure she understands where I am coming from and how this all works before I can even propose this, I mean she has to see the importance of this for herself in any case – as do I.

So it is important to not focus on her alone, and yet to not neglect the relationship and focus on myself alone – this will have to be done together, equal and one. We need to get to the bottom of why we are really in this relationship. To have a relationship where we actually grow and make each other stronger, we are going to have to ensure that there is trust and that trust is real. We have to ensure that it is about making each other stronger and not weaker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to have a successful relationship based on past experiences/memories – not taking into consideration that this belief is based on a past belief of what relationships are and who I must be within a relationship, because yes, within such assumptions a successful relationship is impossible – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see what is possible in a relationship when my starting point for a relationship is no longer self-interest/sex/greed, meaning to exist within the relationship without any desires or ulterior motives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my relationship and to exist within/have a relationship from the starting point of fear of loss as fear of not surviving: meaning to design a relationship purely from the starting point of trying to survive and make it in this world, to have financial and moral support and ‘someone in my corner’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’ in my relationships, meaning that I have not allowed myself to simply enjoy another when it is practical to do so, without any desire or dependency, so that we may unconditionally enjoy each other and allow ourselves to support each other to grow and be stronger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I fear about others is in fact that which I fear about myself – thus not realizing that it is important to take ALL points of fear back to self and support self to see how self is living such points and work effectively to stop it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become negative and paranoid within and as my own mind about other people apparently being bad or doing bad things, not realizing that I am projecting myself as past experiences and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to want to ‘jump the gun’ and end the relationship with the person or cut them out of my life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I stick to my process and continue to push myself to walk through tough points and change habits, creating myself anew: that there is nothing to fear in others as the actual fear of myself projected as I am in fact doing what I am able to as what is necessary to sort out myself and my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all relationships are a reflection and extension of myself and thus what really matters within all relationships is who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within my own life and thus from this perspective, it is impossible to try and control or influence others even if my intentions are best, and that the desire to control is only existent when I am not effectively self directive – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to in any way control my relationship or my partner or influence them or have them see things my way

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my relationship/believing that a successful relationship is impossible – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this kind of thinking/feeling is a resonant experience based on past memories of who I was and what I was attempting to create in relationships from a starting point of self-interest – and I do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts/feelings/emotions and simply remain here within/as breath

When and as I see myself fearing loss within my relationship/the experience of myself within a relationship – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear of loss is engrained through past experiences/memories and that I can only fear loss if I am lost and am not directing myself effectively and thus I stop the tendency to go looking outside of myself for solutions and simply face myself here in the moment, and work with who I am to ensure that I can never be lost and thus my relationships will not be lost along with myself – I work with what is here as me/who I am within relationships and stop the tendency/desire to go into the mind looking for solutions

I commit myself to stop making/basing decisions on what will best for the survival of the relationship within the starting point of living for my own survival, and to rather make decisions that are best for all to ensure that the relationship support us individually to be the best individuals that we can be so that we may give back to life

I commit myself to stop all fears of others and always bring the point of fearing something back to self so that I may correct the point within myself and effectively assist/support others within the same point

I commit myself to stop all paranoia and fear of others/fear of loss within my relationships and to simply unconditionally live and give as I see, realize and understand that if I stand/give unconditionally, then the outcome of all my relationships will inevitably be what is best for all life, no matter how that outcome comes about or how long it takes – I commit myself to trust myself in standing by the principles of equality and what is best for all life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective applications such as writing and breathing

I commit myself to work on myself daily in self writing and self corrective application to ensure that I will be the best that I can be and thus all my relationships will be the best they can be within the understanding that to bring about a change in others, I must stand alone and with resolve to support others in realizing themselves and standing up as well

Day 214: Severing ties

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I have said before that if I lose a relationship, then there is no real loss as it was never real in the first place if it is lost – I mean, that which is of life is that which is real – so how can life be lost? Life is always here. However I am finding the reality of living this statement somewhat difficult. Not nearly as immensely as I used to as I have been working through this point of fear of loss, but it is still a challenge.

There is an old relationship in particular which has already been over for something, that is now ‘totally lost’, meaning that we could not end on amicable terms. There is that desire for things to end well and ‘stay friends’, but that didn’t happen. The problem is that the relationship was never real to begin with, and although I have wanted and attempted to make it real, in the end that is not possible – I can only make myself real. We can all only make ourselves real.

Because the relationship was not real and the other person was not able to/willing to change their starting point, I found myself being a bit angry and upset by it, which is still pertaining to the fear of loss – so what I am reacting to in them not changing their starting point is still me not having changed my starting point completely, within understanding. Because the fact is that if our relationship is ending, with the focus being on self correction and self change, then it really does not matter if we continue to communicate or not, because the relationship will have ended benefitting us in that we became better people because of it, that it benefitted all of our future interactions with others – this is worth much more than holding onto the remnants of the past, which is likely makes as the ‘let’s stay friends’ bit.

I have said goodbye to many people in my life, will be saying goodbye to many more and eventually I will have to say goodbye to everyone – what is important is that I say goodbye on better terms, having learned from my time with them/my time on this earth and made the most of it. After all, what is the pint of holding on to something if one is not in the position to be trusted to do what is best within that position?

This process is about self – no matter where I am, what I am doing or who I am with – I breathe, I am here.

Day 209: Commodifying life

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In the game that we have made out of life we have turned everything into commodities from which we can benefit somehow, either directly or indirectly. We commodify everything from nature, to animals, to objects that we create and produce, to other people, to even ideas. This has become a way of life on earth, a way to survive as the current context of the our life experience on earth and how the economy functions is that of survival. I mean there are really only 2 days to live: the first being our current way that we live where we are obsessed with ourselves and our own self interest, always operating in a way that will ensure only our survival, success and benefit – or the new way which is what the Equal Life Foundation is proposing, which is to live in a way that is best for all life, which obviously would include self, but not putting self above others as the primary point or having some form of higher priority.

In my family, I was taught by all those who came before me that ‘love is everything’ and that relationships in the family were of the utmost importance – all this despite how actually fucked up and dysfunctional my family has always been. My grandfather was known for being a brutally abusive alcoholic and my grandmother turned a blind eye and could not find it within herself to stand up to any of the abuse that went on in the family. In fact the relationship between the grandparents became so abusive that it was some of their children who took it upon themselves to stand up for my grandmother and remove her from the abusive relationship, with my grandfather angrily chasing them from behind in his car.

Now they key point in my grandmother who allowed so much abuse was love. She was obsessed with love. She was a being of pure love and light bliss. She was all hugs and kisses and nice words and always giving out delicious food and candy. It was always a big love in, interacting with her, as I remember as a child she would become so consumed by her excitement and feelings of love when we would visit her. Except that one time she washed my mouth out with soap when I was a toddler for swearing – fuck that was an awful experience lol.

The energetic experience of love was her drug and her escape from this reality, along with all the things that she loved like food and her family which brought her these feelings. She wasn’t much one for standing up when it mattered most, facing the darkness when courage was needed. I remember one moment in particular where one of my aunts was sobbing in tears while we were visiting my grandmother and my mother becoming so angry at my grandmother because while this was going on, my grandmother was just as lost and consumed in her experience of love and bliss as ever, completely disregarding and not even noticing what my aunt had been going through at the moment, just a few feet away from her sitting on another couch.

So to establish this point loud and clear – the love that was taught and lived in my family was rather a form of escapism and self interest to be able to turn a blind eye and not have to take responsibility and face one’s reality. Love is a really powerful drug, as anyone who studies the effects of ‘love’ in our world can quickly see, it is responsible for amazing things and some of the most brutal atrocities ever perpetrated and allowed. Wasn’t it that Van Gogh artist guy who cut off his ear for love? I think that was his name. Crazy shit.

So anyways, this love as it was understood and lived was passed on down to new generations – albeit unwittingly – down to my mother and her siblings and then down to me and my sister.

As a child it made me extremely weak and dependent, to the point where I became ashamed of my relationship with my mother because it really represented this weakness as this lovey-dovey ‘I need you and you need me’ bullshit kind of relationship. I saw from an early age how weak it made me and I was ashamed of this, especially in world where the reality is that you have got to have a thick skin, independence and personal resolve in order to have any kind of life worth living.

Not only this, but I saw at a young age that this love was bullshit, as there were some traumatic events that exposed the truth of all this love shit: that it wasn’t true, that my mother was not in fact this ‘being of love’ that she had presented herself to be. So from a young age I was extremely weary of it all. And yet eventually in my teens this weakness continued to develop itself without me necessarily being aware of it because while I had associated this point with my mother and lost faith in her, I still went on looking for the same point in other people, to experience the drug of love in relationships with other people.

This post is particularly about how we commodify the people in our lives in order to get this experience of love as a drug as self interest which I’m talking about – it is a total addiction. We are addicted to our commodities, we are addicted to the stuff we possess (or believe we do). We are constantly using each other in some way or another and in the case of relationships it is often to get the experience of ‘love’ as the drug we have become so addicted to.

Within this, we will also look for those who will produce the strongest experience of love, those whose love will be ‘more potent’ as a drug, because of the status they hold. It’s just the same way that someone feels good if they have a nice new car, but they will feel even better if they have a nice new and really expensive luxury car. We will, based on how society gives more value to some people based on their looks, their status, their financial standing, their possessions, their skills, want and desire those who have a higher value in the eyes of society based on how we as a society give value to human beings, as commodification. I mean the experience of ‘love’ that one gets from a rich, good looking person with a high level job and skill set, is going to be much better from the experience of love you’ll get from an uneducated homeless person. Some might say ‘but I don’t want that rich person, I’m happier with what I have’ – that is only a matter of circumstance because the reality is that you can’t have the best one and therefore you have to settle and you have to protect the fact that you settled as if it is your will because otherwise it will expose you limitation and your value in societies eyes because you’re not able to get the more highly valued and therefore attractive partner. I mean it is like saying “I wouldn’t want to be the richest person in the world” – of course you would! But you can’t so you have to settle and make it look like you wanted it that way because that protects your value and the reality of your value as it was given to you by your society as ‘not being the best’.

The truth is that everyone can be the best. But as long as we are busy commodifying ourselves and the world around us in an attempt to make us ‘more special’, then we will not allow ourselves to become the best we can be because we are living from a starting point of inferiority and wanting to compensate for that through possessions we acquire and monuments we build to ourselves. I have never had a family to call my own (lol) but I can certainly understand the point of ego that a parent or a grandparent can have and the experience that their possessions as commodities as their children/family members give them. I can relate to it from the relationship point of being a ‘boyfriend’, where I have commodified my partners and can take some kind of pride in saying ‘look at me, I have this girlfriend, she is mine, and she is a great one too!’ No different from someone showing off their shiny new sports car. Are we so depraved that we will allow this to exist? Or will be allow ourselves to stop commodifying the world around us as something that is ‘more than’ and live as equals to the world around us? I mean have a look even if you have all this wonderful stuff, you are actually making the statement that ‘I am less than this stuff’ because after all your greatness is dependent on having all that stuff – no high paying job, no bank account full of money, no amazing skills, no girlfriend, no family, no cars, no stuff – and suddenly the human lives as if it has no value as society has defined it – obviously observable in for instance homeless people in the world who are socially neglected, demonized and given no value, worth or unconditional support.

The fact is that this way of living will never satisfy, no matter how much we accumulate, no matter how great our families are, no matter how beautiful or special our relationship partner is, no matter how beautiful our homes are, now matter how great our jobs and status are, etc. it is the opposite of satisfying it is bolstering this lack of self recognition that exist within us that was our starting point all along.

So, pertaining to my own relationships, this point has to be lived, as if I fear to ‘lose my relationship’, then I can know one thing: it was never real in the first place as it was just a commodity, I mean that’s why the idea even exist in the first place that you have it and therefore you could lose it. What a crazy idea, as if we have some kind of magical ownership over the things around us in our environment. Ownership really is a state of mental delusion, not real. Through this belief we enslave the world around us, we enslave the animals, we enslave other humans, we enslave ourselves to our idea of dependency on things to satisfy and validate our egos. I don’t want anyone to be my slave anymore, because I don’t want to be a slave.

Day 125: Revenge of the pretty woman, part 3

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In this part I am doing self forgiveness regards to the inner experience I had within a recent experience recently where an ex girlfriend had contacted me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have been hurt by another in past relationships because I felt like my ex was dishonest with me and used me – and to blame my ex for this, not realizing that I am equally responsible for having lived this exact same point

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is useless to focus on the immorality of another persons behavior as I can only direct myself and wanting another person to be moral is just a way for me to not take responsibility for myself and lead by example

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another/others such as my ex for being fake, not realizing that I am one and equal to this as a projection of myself as an equal participation in creating fake relationships that are based in self interest and covered up with the picture/idea of love

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be with an ex, or a woman like my ex, or any woman for the same reasons/starting point that I was with my ex and not allowing myself to learn from my experiences to ensure that my starting point in sharing myself with another is real as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that a girlfriend or ideal female partner will bring me some kind of wonderful life experience such as for instance security and the feeling that I am being taken care of, or that I have something of great value/status as a woman who is beautiful and adores me/gives everything to me – not seeing this for what it is as a compensation for self where I have not been intimate with myself and supported/given everything to myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to control my life and the life of others in the pursuit of an idea of an ‘ideal partner’ that I have created and to protest and go into tantrums and rebellion when I have then lost this point or fear losing it or perceived the threat of losing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others such as ex girlfriends who I believe have ‘done me wrong’ to ‘explain themselves’ – not realizing that this is shifting attention and focus away from myself as the only place where I can actually take responsibility and affect any kind of real change as changing myself and leading by example – creating a better self and thus a better world through self directive principle

 

To be continued in part 4.

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Day 123: Revenge of the pretty woman as the revenge of my past

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I had a specific experience today where an old girlfriend had come ‘back into my life’ briefly after a long time of not speaking and a ‘bad breakup’, as well as another similar experience yesterday where another old girlfriend had come into my life, calling me on the telephone unexpectedly – my relationship with this one had also been problematic and with a messy breakup. I spoke to her on the telephone and it was fine, as I had already been through the experience of trying to keep the relationship going when it was failing several times, so I had learned the hard way that there was no future in this and thus not to ‘get ahead’ of myself with her, but to simply talk and see it for what it is without any ideas or expectations. Surely enough it turned out that she wanted something from me and I had to decline that I could not participate.

 

The ex-girlfriend that came into my life again briefly today however, I had a different reaction to which is why I am here writing about this, because my own reaction surprised me, I did not expect it. It was like a strong anxiety, because of how things ended badly where the issues between us was ‘unresolved’ – the relationship had just suddenly ended one day and all communication stopped. When she messaged me, there was an immediate reaction of intense anxiety. This anxiety was polarized – on the one hand it was like a form of ‘positive’ energetic experience because when the relationship ended, I was not happy, feeling like I lost something that I believed I wanted. While at the same time, it was a kind of ‘negative’ anxiety, because out of spitefulness for the way the relationship ended, it is like I did not want to ‘give this person what they wanted’ as attention or any kind of relationship, purely out of spitefulness for what had happened when the relationship ended. This is quite a messed up situation as the ‘negative’ as the spitefulness itself is based in losing something as a desire that I have defined as ‘positive’ – and it is amazing how those two energetic experiences are really one and the same.

 

If the negative is based on the positive, does this not also mean that the positive is not based on the negative? Meaning, is it my very desire to have a relationship in the first place as something ‘positive’ really just based on something which I have created and defined as the ‘negative’? Why else would I have so obsessively sought out something for nearly my entire life that I apparently see as positive, even to the point where it ends up ‘hurting’ me and ends up as negative in the end? It is becoming less and less of a secret to me why I would desire something which I see as separate from me – such as a ‘beautiful woman’ – to fulfill myself and make myself feel better about myself. I mean life should be simple. I am just here living. Everyone is just here living together and that is it. What more do we require but to live together in a way that is best for all?

 

But the fact is that we are not living this way and instead of living this and way working towards creating a world that is best for all, we instead go looking for this point outside of ourselves to give ourselves an experience/feeling like ‘everything is ok’ when it is really not. It is no wonder we go looking for this kind of ‘larger than life’ experience in another when we have accepted life as something so inferior and unsatisfactory in the first place.

 

This is the case with many of our earliest relationships in life that we experienced and observed – usually with parents – where we experienced or observed messed up relationships where people did not recognize life in themselves and thus equally in others and in this way live as what is best for all. Having not understood these relationships and feeling as though we were powerless to direct ourselves within them, we instead accepted them as real/life/who we are and from this, set out on the great search for ‘the one’ great relationship to satisfy the desire that is birthed in the fear created through what we have accepted and allowed as life. Are we seeking these relationships that will apparently fulfill us and make us happy because they are with apparently wonderful great people, just to find solace and compensate for the messed up relationships we had with ourselves, our parents and other in this world?

 

It is late at night here now – I will continue this blog in part 2.

 

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