Tag Archives: destruction

Day 226: Energy is a slippery slope – finding freedom in structure

Reflecting back on my day today I noticed how much more I probably could have done with it. I am finding it is crucial to challenge myself to live to my full potential, not waste time, and really make constructive use out of every moment that I am given here on earth. So what happened?

I let things slide. I did not put limits and boundaries on the fun I was having, the self interest I was indulging in. Self interest can work in self-honest moderation within the consideration/understanding of all life as equal to yourself, but given that we are raised to live the exact opposite of that, it is important to be careful on that point because it can really be taken too far quite easily. The main point is that I did not prioritize ‘what is best for all’ ahead of what I want. Even if those two points are in conflict with/contradictory to one another, it is only by putting what is best for all ahead of your self interest that would allow one the opportunity challenge their self interest.

So I didn’t, and before I knew it, the day flew by with all kinds of fuzzy nice experiences and warm feelings, but very little was accomplished in terms of positive  ACTIONS – that is the deceptive thing about positive feelings and positive thinking  – it is purely a mental experience, you are mental.

I should know this already, in fact I do know that self interest and stimulating yourself in such a way that makes you experience positive feelings is a slippery slope, I mean I have really learned this the hard way with past experiences with addictions to drugs and sex and shit like that. That is not a recommended experience. Now I am seeing it manifest in ‘smaller way’ as this example of today, but even then, the experience is still not a cool one. The more aware of this you become, the more you become aware of and thus begin to value even the smallest moments. So what is the difference between wasting 5 minutes of your life, a day, a week – it is all just a matter of degree. In that 5 minutes you could have made the world a better place than it is today, in 5 minutes you could have made yourself a better person that you were 5 minutes earlier.

Every single moment is so valuable that all it takes is a single moment of thought, of having a desire for some kind of experience, that that is all it takes to set a person off onto their socio-path of desire and self interest. And of course we can find all kinds of ways to justify our self interest: I need it, just a little, I’m tired, I need to relax, I don’t feel good and this will make me feel better, a little won’t hurt, I worked hard and I deserve it – etc.

It is already hard enough to change our habits that are formed from desires without having already given into, let alone when you start to give into them, it is like, too late, the energy is already flowing, and it just feels oh so good – I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop!

So this is the reason I am seeing more and more how important it is to set boundaries, guidelines, and specifically, to implement a schedule in my life as a fail-safe to make sure that this is impossible. This is an important point I realized a while ago with regards to the nature of the mind – that you are your own worst enemy and you literally have to take measures sometimes to ensure that abuse is not possible/not able to be allowed in the short term, until the abuse/self interest point has been sorted out and one can again be trusted with life as this time we are given here on earth.

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a schedule for myself and be patient in understanding that this is a process of developing a schedule, and thus it is not to be limited by a schedule as I may fear, but rather to see how I can structure myself in a way where living is effective and enjoyable – to ensure that I can manage both to be the best that I can be and take responsibility for my world, and to also enjoy myself as an individual within my world experience, ensuring that these two points no longer conflict with one another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that a schedule may limit me as I allowed it to/experienced it to in the past, and to instead simply work with a schedule within the understanding that it serves purely as a guideline of support to living the life that I have always dreamed of, but never knew how to structure and create effectively – after all, inherent in creation is structure, inherent in the ability to express in freedom is having the structure from which to express self

I commit myself to design and develop a schedule as a structured support/guideline, and to work with this point within the principles of freedom and self expression – not limiting myself to it, but rather working with it as I work with myself: a work in progress

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Day 208: What is your survival worth?

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We live in a world obsessed with fear, where our mind is constantly riddled with thoughts of fear. And yet the irony here is that we constantly fear to lose our lives. So let’s look at that for a moment: our live experience is one of total fear – and yet we fear losing that? The problem here is obviously claiming that such an experience is something that can be called ‘living’ and that it apparently has value.

What is the point of being alive if your life isn’t worth anything of real value? I mean ok, if we lived amazing lives where we truly walked this earth making it an amazing place for everyone, serving all other life forms and truly contributing to others, that would be a life of real value, maybe then we could talk about how much life is worth and preventing unnecessary loss of such a thing. But what is the value of losing everything we have now?

We are fucking up the earth so horribly, both the environment and the animal kingdom. We have fucked up relationships that are just plain lies that are sugar coated in bullshit. We have fucked up ourselves within our relationships with ourselves where we don’t even value ourselves, we degrade ourselves to live as a shell of ourselves, wanting to be something we’re not, and never recognizing the real value we have and living to our full potential. Again – we fear losing this?

This is the interesting part about undertaking the process of killing your own ego/mind as the image of yourself/your world that you have accepted and currently live within. It seems like such a difficult thing, it is something you will resist so immensely – and yet when you step beyond the mind you realize what seemed so difficult to stop was actually letting go of nothing but an abusive and destructive illusion, to instead give yourself true freedom and be the best person that you can be.

And yet those who have lost so much self respect for themselves to the point where they don’t even give themselves the credit that it is possible to change, that there is something better, that they could be much more than they are now, will be so absolutely consumed fear as the underlying awareness of what they have accepted/allowed/become/done to themselves and their world, that they will chime in to say that it is impossible to change anything or that it is crazy talk.

You know what is crazy? This fucking world and what is absolutely bat-shit crazy is our ability to lie to ourselves that everything is ‘normal’ and OK. It doesn’t matter to what degree we have accepted the current reality as normal and, by contrast, how far-fetched it may be to consider that it is all just a lie – the fact of the matter is that it is all just a lie and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the one of the many who are going to have a real fucking hard wake-up call when they find out the truth of their world, their reality and themselves.

How real are your relationships when it is a known fact that the human lies every ten minutes? How real is your love in a world where we allow children to starve? How real is your ability to assess reality for what it really is when we live in a completely hedonistic culture that is constantly entrenched in personal addictions like alcohol, drugs, sugar, sex (just to name a few) to be able to cope with and escape their reality?

We have replaced the real reality with the energetic ‘high’ experience we use to escape it, and yet we continue to fear losing what we will and must lose.

All illusions come to an end, eventually and inevitably.