Lately I have had a lot of resistance to writing and it has accumulated over time to the point where I had found it very difficult to even just sit down and write again. From some of the progress I have made through writing in the past, I can see that I have set a kind of standard for myself that is very high – in terms of the quality of my insights and the way they are articulated – to the point where writing as a mere self support tool, where I am still ranting and raving about things and getting to know myself, has been left by the wayside. It is a constant challenge in process because as long as we are in process, we should be humbled, and that is a difficult thing for the mind as ego to accept – it latches onto even this point of trying to change myself for the better to make it some kind of personal competition.
One of the biggest resistances I have had to writing in my process is the point of giving up stimulation – moments that I feel like they are my own, where I can do what I want and be selfish and just do things which I believe pleasure me. This resistance to give up these moments becomes extra difficult with process because within process, I am facing myself – there is nowhere to run and hide and I have to actually face and direct that which I am dealing with on a daily basis – effectively! Sometimes the day can seem so tough, the reactions can seem so vivid that the last thing I feel like doing is writing about them. Within living in a way which is reactionary, I am a slave to my reactions and have this experience of being a slave, of having to do all kinds of things in my daily life which I don’t want to do – but it is not really about doing those things, it is about who I am within doing those things, as a reactive being.
I can also see how experiences wherein I used the ego to ‘hype’ the idea of changing/becoming better has deterred me, where I followed a pattern of getting motivated, having that energy fade when things get difficult or I fall or miss a point, and then from that failure, being disappointed and discouraged, and not persevering through this experience, but rather, turning towards the positive – old habits of ‘positive stimulation’ which are really just coping mechanisms and escapes. I have failed to neglect and employ the real positive of getting down to supporting myself as necessary. Resistance is a point that it seems I will be dealing with for quite a long time, so it is best to get to know this point intimately.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully investigate the point of basic resistance, within the belief that old coping systems will suffice and that I can postpone facing the inevitability of having to stand, walk and support myself in actions
I commit myself to investigate the basic point of resistance as I experience without shame, self judgment and expectations of myself, but rather to simply walk the point as a way of supporting myself through getting to know myself, in all it’s detail
I commit myself to daily writing no matter what – without any preconceived ideas or expectations – but simply as a self expression, here alone as unconditional self support