Tag Archives: disappointment

Day 304: Scheduling and the ability to be directive

 

I have written on this point before. It is proving to me a more challenging point as I have not yet been able to actualize that which is ideal. What I have not done consistently is to be persistent on the point, although I’m persisting now – so let’s say I have not been consistently persistent lol.

 

Now I am on vacation, and although it may seem strange to be focused on scheduling and disciplining myself, the truth is that life never stops and I have spent enough tie in my life vacating reality to not be persistent about developing effective work ethic and self application through organization and scheduling. Also, the vacation is a great opportunity to start with this point.

 

How will I go about this? The main ingredient in being effective with scheduling is self honesty and that is also the biggest challenge because there will be moments where I fear to give up whatever is here in the moment because I have to stick to my schedule. Keeping up any habit requires energy, attention and time, so I fear my schedule will take time away from that which I believe I must give attention to. Here self honesty is absolutely crucial because I have to recognize that old systems that I used to survive in the past simply don’t work. For instance – being obsessive about relationships and having a partner – in the past I would obsess over this point within an underlying belief that I could be saved by others, believing that the feeling I got from being immersed in a relationship and feeling ‘loved’/’cared for’ would somehow equate into surviving and having a good life, because this is what I had observed/believed from a young age with my parents and people around me.

 

Of course it does matter to be a part of this world, to truly interact – but relationships as we know them today have becoming a way of ‘interacting within a starting point of how we are different/separate wherein we fulfill fake roles that will apparently please each other. Within such a point, the drive is to become the character I believe I must be as much as possible, as fully as possible, completely immersing my whole life in it so I can live the character in absolutely every single moment – then it must be real! This is the belief system.

 

But with regards to real interaction and real living, it is important to remember the point of quality over quantity. Some of the people who had the greatest impact on my life, who could truly touch me in the core of my being beyond any form of ‘personalized intimacy’ I have ever known, did it swiftly and with effectiveness.

 

So this is the point: effectiveness: and if I am effective with myself and my own living, I am able to be effective in my living/interaction with others, and actually give more value and real meaning to my living here among others, more efficiently and effectively, which means I can do it more, and for more people. Once again, in giving up that which I fear to lose I am in fact gaining, because I am giving myself back to myself through truly living myself, truly taking the opportunities I have been gifted, truly living to my full potential. This point resonates in a way that is also beyond words and as I have found before, I will surely become more effective with my words because rather than trying to control with words, I become the directive principle in my life and thus my words become directive as an expression of myself as the directive principle.

 

Now I will begin scheduling.

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Day 298: Removing energetic attachments to process

http://andrewsdesteniiprocess.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/its-time-to-stop-carrying-the-past-investigate-self-with-desteni-i-process-resize.jpg

 

Currently I am on holiday and am getting a bit of a break from all the stimulation of being engaged in the matrix – work, school, friends, family etc. – so I am able to just come to my computer and write out points as they come up. On three separate occasions I ended up writing about the same essential point, which is process itself (my process of self change through self forgiveness and self corrective application).

 

The first writing was with regards to the positive/negative relationship that I have developed with process, where I allow my process to be limited and controlled by energetic charges, still trying to get some form of stimulation within my process and justify the stimulation as being necessary and real through the belief that this is how I must move myself, that there can only be self/movement as progress in my process if it is energy based:

 

on the ‘negative side’: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be intense in order to affect change, meaning that I must use some kind of energy such as anger or vengefulness or contempt as my motivation for affecting change, not realizing that within such a starting point I am only existing as energy and thus change is not real but rather just another way to get energy and live/experience myself as a high, as the mind is so insidious and tricky that it will justify this kind of behavior as rational and good because apparently it makes some kind of change happen, when this is not in fact so

 

on the positive side: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘be in a good place’ mentally where I feel good and satisfied before I can work on myself/my process/affect any kind of change, or that things must be perfect in my life or everything has to ‘be right’ or that I must have certain wants/demands met before I allow myself to work on myself and affect any real change, believing that I need or require to be stimulated into some kind of positive experience as the experience of positive energy to be able to move myself, as this is just another way for the mind to justify getting what it wants under the guise of ‘doing something good/positive’

 

I commit myself to not move myself in my process according to energy as positive/negative feelings and to no longer depend on energy for self movement, but rather to breathe through energy and not act on it, even if it is presenting itself/justifying itself as being ‘for the better’/’for change’, I do not follow such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply breathe through the energy

 

the second entry:

 

process doesn’t ‘feel good’ for the mind because in essence you are constantly correcting and disproving the mind, and the mind as ego doesn’t like to be wrong – what is then experienced as being ‘hurt’ and ‘unpleasant’ is actually allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as the point is then opened up once the illusions of my mind are shattered, which is experienced as this perception of ‘feeling hurt’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in process by existing within/as the desire for positive energy wherein I place the condition on my living/application that process must ‘feel good’ as an energetic experience, within the belief that good feelings are what is important in life and that process as self improvement/change should somehow be a positive feeling experience – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make this association and within it, stop myself when facing points that I experience as ‘difficult’ or ‘being hurt’, especially in contrast to this belief, and within this not realizing that the bad feelings, which are essentially just a form of fearing change/tricking myself into not changing, is not real and just another trick of the mind experienced as ‘feeling hurt’/’feeling wronged’ by another, and I no longer allow myself to use this justification as self sabotage/self limitation as I see, realize and understand that this energy is not real but just the mind not wanting to accept the truth and lose illusions, unwilling to accept this experience of ‘being hurt’ and unwilling to support myself to breathe through this experience and keep moving

 

I commit myself to, in the moment that I am experiencing negative energy as the experience of being ‘hurt’ by others/’having my feelings hurt’, to stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is a trick of the mind as ego to stop self from moving forward through the justification that I don’t want to have negative experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to breathe through such experiences as they are not real, and just the mind fearing to lose itself/lose illusions – and thus when I experience this, I stop the fear through breath and keep moving in humbleness and humility

 

third entry:

 

feeling ‘stumped’ investigating words: I was not able to tell whether or not the word ‘process’ carried a positive energetic charge – but when I ‘talk it out’, it is like ‘of course it is good, how could process ever not be good?’ and then I realized ‘well, it is difficult as hell sometimes and not experienced as good!’ – so already I am seeing here how the word can easily get polarized – I also see how in looking at how I view this word, I was actually just trying to view it again, rather than looking at my actual experience of it, meaning: how am I living this word? How am I experiencing it n real time? And this is where reality sets in: I experience process as all kinds of things – specifically, I experience it positively as an idea in the mind, because process is like, awesome, right? lol. And then in reality I experience it as difficult and arduous. So the arithmetic here is quite simple. I am creating the negative experience in reality through the positive experience/definition that I have created within/as the mind – process requires no positive connotation/energetic charge, because after all, process is just common sense. It is who I am and the process of self discovery wherein I remove the layers of systems that limit me and see who I really am – and thus process can in reality carry no positive connotation because it is simply who I am – and thus if I am to live process for real, no connotations/positive energetic charges may be allowed to exist

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have given process/applying myself in process a positive energetic charge/connotation as I see, realize and understand that my process is an expression of who I really am and simple, obvious common sense as the necessity to express myself as who I really am

 

Thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe where and when I see myself defining/believing/judging process to be a ‘good thing’/positive thing as if it were some kind of tool/commodity for the mind/ego, as I see, realize and understand the common sense of process and that if I continue doing it from a starting point of believing that it is good/positive, I am in fact making process more difficult to effect in my reality because I believe it will be fun (as the mind experience fun as energy) when in fact it is just straightforward physical work/application and carries no energetic charge, and thus I am simply setting myself up for disappointment as this experience will feel negative in contrast to the positive experience that I created in the mind which I then believe/expect process to be – I stop all judgments of process as they arise as my thoughts

Day 291: Resistance and writing no matter what


Lately I have had a lot of resistance to writing and it has accumulated over time to the point where I had found it very difficult to even just sit down and write again. From some of the progress I have made through writing in the past, I can see that I have set a kind of standard for myself that is very high – in terms of the quality of my insights and the way they are articulated – to the point where writing as a mere self support tool, where I am still ranting and raving about things and getting to know myself, has been left by the wayside. It is a constant challenge in process because as long as we are in process, we should be humbled, and that is a difficult thing for the mind as ego to accept – it latches onto even this point of trying to change myself for the better to make it some kind of personal competition.

One of the biggest resistances I have had to writing in my process is the point of giving up stimulation – moments that I feel like they are my own, where I can do what I want and be selfish and just do things which I believe pleasure me. This resistance to give up these moments becomes extra difficult with process because within process, I am facing myself – there is nowhere to run and hide and I have to actually face and direct that which I am dealing with on a daily basis – effectively! Sometimes the day can seem so tough, the reactions can seem so vivid that the last thing I feel like doing is writing about them. Within living in a way which is reactionary, I am a slave to my reactions and have this experience of being a slave, of having to do all kinds of things in my daily life which I don’t want to do – but it is not really about doing those things, it is about who I am within doing those things, as a reactive being.

I can also see how experiences wherein I used the ego to ‘hype’ the idea of changing/becoming better has deterred me, where I followed a pattern of getting motivated, having that energy fade when things get difficult or I fall or miss a point, and then from that failure, being disappointed and discouraged, and not persevering through this experience, but rather, turning towards the positive – old habits of ‘positive stimulation’ which are really just coping mechanisms and escapes. I have failed to neglect and employ the real positive of getting down to supporting myself as necessary. Resistance is a point that it seems I will be dealing with for quite a long time, so it is best to get to know this point intimately.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully investigate the point of basic resistance, within the belief that old coping systems will suffice and that I can postpone facing the inevitability of having to stand, walk and support myself in actions

I commit myself to investigate the basic point of resistance as I experience without shame, self judgment and expectations of myself, but rather to simply walk the point as a way of supporting myself through getting to know myself, in all it’s detail

I commit myself to daily writing no matter what – without any preconceived ideas or expectations – but simply as a self expression, here alone as unconditional self support

Day 258: 24-Hour Abstinence Challenge

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When titling this blog, it took a few tries until I got the spelling of this word correct. Normally I am decent when it comes to spelling – I have sometimes wondered if my inability to spell a words spells the fact that I haven’t grasped that word, both in the memory of copying the word itself as well as the definitions/concepts it embodies.

In recent blog posts I have written about prioritizing that which is important, about living my life to it’s full potential, living without regret, in a way where I don’t end my days feeling unfulfilled and wanting for more. Within this, I have more clearly identified for myself that which I would like to do, what are some things I would like to get done and accomplish, some ways I would like to live. I have also identified what is problematic in my life, in terms of old habits that have no real value, and only serve to keep me from full transitioning into a new being, a new way of living life – I could really do so much more if I did not allow such pointless things to hold me back. 

As it has always been for me in this process, stopping any old habit is the same as stopping an addiction – it does not come naturally at all, or without resistance and withdrawal. I have screwed myself in the past by not being realistic about how to go about stopping long-standing habits/addictions, where I ended up getting false expectations and creating ideals about how well I was going to do, and then only ended up in disappointment and discouragement. Stopping a habit/addiction had become a form of abstinence that was really just a suppression, where I would try really really hard to just stop and keep stopping and the whole thing was very energetically driven and tiring – and eventually I would fail – yet I set myself up for failure.

I have began to learn how to walk practically, within the understanding that change is a process that requires more than just stopping, that I require support through writing and doing the necessary study and investigation to ensure that I am stopping with understanding. When I have stopped other habits/addictions in the past, because it came so unnaturally, with so much resistance, I had to actually first do a 24 hour abstaining period, just to break the habit and physically come to terms with stopping – in a way, I had to make decisions that were a form of tough love on myself, not giving myself any other options. Usually, after breaking the habit initially, things would get easier over time, and at the very least, I was giving myself a window to support myself, with clarity, without any backdoors or ulterior motives, or being under the influence of still being dead-smack in the middle of a habit/pattern, just in between doses.

24 hours really isn’t much to ask, either. It is the least I can do, and I owe it to myself, to life, to give myself the chance – no matter how much I resist, or feel as though I am ‘missing out on something’ – I mean that is just withdrawal talking. Thus I am dedicating myself to a minimum of 24 hours of stopping old habits/patterns that really contribute nothing to life. I won’t discuss here the specifics of what some of these habits are – one could gather from reading past blogs, or just use your imagination – I am a fairly ‘normal guy’ when it comes to time-wasting habits – but it doesn’t so much matter what we are wasting our time with as it does the fact that we are wasting away the bit of time we are gifted with while here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance to break free from old habits/patterns that serve to keep me lost and from completely making the transition into a new life, using the experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I cannot do it, as a justification, due to past experiences where I set myself for disappointment and failure by not being practical about how to go about stopping habits/addictions – within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test the point of stopping through giving myself the time and space to stop with simple commitments that are manageable and reasonable to ask of myself and do, to give myself the breathing room/time/space to support myself with more clarity than I otherwise would have while stuck in the middle of a habit/pattern, not realizing and understanding that stopping must be accompanied with self study and understanding, and not enforced on the physical like some unreasonable ultimatum, imposed with force as a for of suppression

I commit myself to live 24 hours without giving into an old habit/pattern of wasting time with various distractions/entertainments/preoccupations and to, within this experience, support myself with breathing and writing – when and as I see the desire to participate in an old pattern arise in my thoughts : I stop, I breathe, I remember my 24 hour commitment to myself as life, I see and understand that the desire to participate in old habits/patterns is simply the mind having withdrawal and using the illusion/belief that I am ‘missing out on something’ – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these thoughts/this energy as desire, and continue to move myself throughout my day, here as breath.

Day 221: Living in Survival mode part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world for my life experiences and feeling as though no one cared for me and like I had no opportunity in this world – when in fact I am equally responsible as I copied this behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents, family members, friends, and relationship partners for how I experienced myself with them in the past – not seeing and realizing who I was in the past equally responsible as equal contributor to the negative experiences I had

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to blame as a form of escapism, running from the truth of what I have accepted and allowed in my life and the harm I have caused myself and others, and within this, want and desire to run away from my reality as my past memories which I still carry with me, attempting to run away from myself as my past which I have not yet faced – not realizing that the desire to escape is in fact a form of blame and ignorance of what I have accepted and allowed in my time on earth thus far

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have no value, no opportunity, am not good enough, will never have a good life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is always going to be a struggle because this is how I experienced it/believed it to be in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to give up on myself and escape reality, not realizing that this is based on a past belief where I accepted that life must always be a difficult struggle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others in my world because of the disillusionment of expecting that others will help me or support me or save me – not realizing that this was based on a belief that this was the way things worked, that I must be helped and saved, within the misunderstanding of how myself and who I was and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that much of my anger towards others is due to my own failings and self dishonesties in life and within that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become, want and desire others to conform to it and serve/abide by/conform to/recognize/validate/give power to who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as that which I believe I am and believe I desire and must be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for the world to take responsibility for who I am and take care of me/serve me, not realizing that I can only stand for me as me and that this desire may likely have been birthed through the anger of feelings though I did not get the support from others I required at the times I needed it most/or even believed that I required/needed support from others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my environment in terms of conditions such as the things around me, how much I have access too, and how many opportunities I am given in the system – not realizing that I am not required to limit who I am based on my immediate surroundings and my particular situation/allocation/circumstances in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live the full consideration of the fact that I still carry many memories within me from past experiences and the extent to which such experiences as memories as able to influence me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is unacceptable to trust the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions because it is the influence that my past as memories is having on me today

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept it as normal that eventually, everything is going to ‘take a turn for the worse’ and become terrible in my life, expecting that everything will fail such as my relationships or finances or jobs – not realizing that this expectation is based on how I had defined life through my past experiences and the massive influence these memories have on me as this expectation – within this expectation, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become pre-emptive and ‘jump the gun’ by ending things/making things go bad/giving up on things/not sticking with things, because I expect it will not last/all go bad anyways, not realizing that such actions are a statement of self sabotage and giving up on myself rather than remaining here, sticking to principles and practical corrective application to direct myself and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to isolate myself/escape/run away/create my own paradise/secret paradise, not realizing/taking into full consideration how tough experiences in the past and who I was within such experiences are what influence me to have this desire, through a belief that the world is bad and no good is ever possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear other and believe that everyone/the world is my enemy and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control, dominate and be spiteful towards others in order to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one will ever understand/honor life, based on how I have defined humans in the past and how humans currently exist – not realizing that this fear is based on the acceptance that who we are currently is real, and not as a result of a whole life story of experience and accumulated memories

I commit myself to give up my bias towards others

I commit myself to not rush or give up on this process of self correction and sorting out this reality

I commit myself to work with others as much as possible and to not push others who are not ready out of my own fear that we will never make it, based on the belief that we are eternally fucked

I commit myself to work with myself and others with patience and understanding within the consideration and remembrance that this is a process and that I am not always going to know what to do

I commit myself to stop the tendency to always act and push to get things done immediately, not realizing that this is out of the fear that nothing will ever change, based on how I have defined reality in my own mind based on past experiences

I commit myself to never again run away from my reality out of spite and blame and rather remain here and work with what is here, as equal and one and without fear

I commit myself to move myself and be proactive in taking responsibility for myself and my reality by never again believing/expecting/wanting that others will do it for me

I commit myself to no longer be defined by those who are in my environment and my environment itself through working towards the understanding that all life is me as me as one and equal, and specifically to no longer base who I am and who I will be on factors that apparently indicate what my chances of survival are, apparently

I commit myself to stop the belief/expectation that inevitably, eventually things will always take a turn for the worse because of how I have judged my world/fellow human beings – not realizing that I am able to remain here and trust myself within my reality, no matter where I am situated – within this I commit myself to stop the tendency to want to escape my reality and the tendency to preemptively end relationships or give up on things

I commit myself to stick with things as long as I am able to/as long as it is effective

I commit myself to stop resisting others/my reality and remain here in my reality, interactive with others and to remain as who I am within all situations so that I may be of support/do what is best for all life

When and as I see myself defining my reality as ‘designed to fail’ and expecting it to fail and wanting to ‘fuck it’ or ‘give up on it’ or ‘end things preemptively’ or ‘force it to change instantly’ – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is based on many past experiences where I saw life as fucked and hopeless and constant fight for survival and within this, believed that I must strike first and fuck things up first before anyone else can so that I can be the dominant one/controller apparently – and I do not participate in this pattern of wanting to repeat old behavior of isolating myself, giving up, and resisting the world/reality/applying myself/taking self responsibility