Tag Archives: anxiety

Day 338: The Freedom of giving up

https://i0.wp.com/www.freedom-connection.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Giving-Up-w-400.jpg

 

I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.

 

The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.

 

But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.

 

From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.

 

So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.

 

Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.

 

The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

Advertisements

Day 279: Turning big brother into a breath

Image

I have 1 student that I work with who has difficulty learning. It is fascinating because while he is capable, and has proven this, whenever he is put to task or instructed, he absolutely can not focus, he can not follow any kind of explicit instructions – he simply ‘turns off’ in a kind of way, although sometimes he may still appear like he is paying attention. It is fascinating how apparent this mental block is, as when I find a way to present things to him ‘casually’, or naturally through points that emerge through conversing with him, he shows that he is perfectly capable as a student. What is fascinating about this mental block is that it seems to be activated any time that work is presented to him some form of instruction, some for of thing that he must follow, some kind of prompt that he must respond to or fulfill – that is when he turns off. What I am suspecting is that through unpleasant schooling experiences, as children are forced into their education, he has developed this defense mechanism. I find it fascinating because I also suspect that at a deeper level, a child knows that the teacher or education is not really working in their best interest and so they simply do not trust them. Because as soon as something is presented within a context of ‘this is educational, we are learning, we are taking on a task’ – you know, when it gets ‘serious and official’.

Now what I also sometimes wonder when I assess another person is: am I really seeing them directly, or am I merely projecting a point of myself onto them – or both?

I see this same point is prevalent in my own life where, whenever I am faced with a new task or challenge, something where I have to move myself – all of a sudden my movement no longer is as fluid and I kind of stop in my tracks, it is like a form of anxiety where all of a sudden I am faced with this looming burden, the burden of hard work. Much of this is based in past experiences where, due to not having proper training, support or understanding, the experience of work was an extremely difficult struggle, and this is what I accepted as the reality of working, unfortunately.

So when this happens, where I am faced with a new task which doesn’t come naturally or easily, like for example doing school work: what I will tend to do is react the information of ‘doing work/school work/I have to get this done/I have to do a good job’ – all kinds of connotations to ‘doing work’ start to come up based on my fears based on my past experiences and before I know it all kinds of thoughts on the point have come up and I react to those thoughts. By trusting these thoughts as the mind, I will have tendency to go further into the mind as fear, looking there for answers/solutions. Now since the mind functions in positive and negative, I will always polarize myself into either one experience or the other. The positive polarity will be where I may have this experience of fear and being overwhelmed but I will ‘muster up the courage’ and ‘fight hard’, or as we say in Canada, “just give’er”. The other polarity is that I will just say ‘fuck this’ and do something else – because of course I don’t want the stressful experience, and what I know of ‘working’ from my past experiences, where I utilized the positive polarity, is that I had to ‘fight hard’, to try hard’, to ‘be prepared for a struggle, a battle’. I know this is why I have given up on myself so many times in life, is because I was just tired of battling, of struggling, and never even conceived that there could be another way.

So this point was raised in with regards to what practical solutions can be utilized when I am faced with doing work and I go into this mental experience. Regardless of what polarity I end up going with, there is a tendency to always stop and think before actually doing the work. I just stop and think about doing it, rather than doing it. I battle with myself within my mind ‘can I do this? Can I not? The positive me is struggling against the negative me and it is an exhausting internal battle – and then if the positive side wins, I will eventually get down to doing the work, but it is interesting how I work when I am in this state. I go into this kind of ‘mode’ where I am ‘over-focused’, as I have called it before, it is like I am so stimulated, so worked up, so focused that I actually can not focus, even though it kind of feels like I am really focused. It is fascinating. It is like a form of anxiety where you have this heightened sense of awareness – but that heightened sense of awareness is rather a form of heightened consciousness – or is that self-consciousness? Within this state, my ability to actually take in information effectively is significantly diminished, as opposed to being in a relaxed state where such tasks become much easier and information is absorbed much more naturally/directly.

What is interesting with my experience, along with so many other experiences that I have sen in the lives of others, is that we all tend to internalize and become the things that we struggled through and endured in our lifetimes. And this is what I did. I internalized ‘big brother’ – the authority figure of the teacher, the principal, the parent – whoever. What I experienced of them, what it was about this experience that I despised, of being forced, of being directed by people who don’t really give a shit, of being essentially policed by teachers to follow their orders within the fear of consequences if I didn’t – I internalized all of these experiences into a ‘big brother’ entity in my head that polices me, where I bully myself and experience (through this voice in my head) the essence of the experience I had in school.

So what I am working on is stopping the experience where, when I am faced with this moment of “ok, time to work now” I stop and go into the experience of thinking/anxiety/fear/questioning myself/looking for ways to do it/looking for ways to get out. What is difficult is that I don’t always see myself when I am stuck in this experience. When I do, it can be as simple as stopping the thoughts, taking a deep breath, and simply moving myself – but that takes practice until it become more natural and the experience of resistance goes away, I’m finding. It is important to identify what exactly are the experiences/feelings/thoughts that I am experiencing so that I can understand them, forgive them and thus see them in the moment when they pop up, so I can stop them effectively. If I can’t see it, I can’t stop it. Aside from writing out the thoughts as they pop up in the moment, there are a few points that I am ware of that keep me from moving myself: “can I do this?” “this looks difficult” “I don’t want to do this, it’s boring, it’s not interesting” “what is the point?” “is this worth the effort?” “this is going to be difficult” “this is not going to be fun” “I have no idea what I’m doing” I’m too tired for this” I can do this later” “I’m going to do this! And it is going to be like this and this and this!” (these last 2 examples demonstrate the negative and positive polarity perspectives of the mind that I have mentioned previously.

Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?

 Image

Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality

Day 257: Looking for fulfillment

Image 

This has been an ongoing point for me for quite sometime, although through being introduced to Desteni, and being shown what I am really capable of – that I can break free of my own self limitations through self honesty and self forgiveness in writing – I have begin to see that I can stop this experience of wanting fulfillment, of yearning for something to ‘complete me’.

I experienced the beginnings of reating this experience for myself when I was younger. I would often be left to my own devices without any real forms of direction, instruction or education, and had this experience of just like ‘being here’ – kind of like boredom, but more an experience of like – there is just nothing, like is this all there really is to life?

I remember experiencing this in my late teen years, or at least an outflow of it, when I would stay up really late at night, seemingly for no reason, just entertaining myself or listening to music or looking at things on the internet – like I was looking for this experience, this something that would fulfill me, in contrast to what I had normally experienced of life.

As I mentioned, when I found Desteni – well, life got really interesting, to say the least, suddenly I started to realize that there is so, so much more to myself and life, that I had never before given value to, recognized the value of, and that giving it this recognition was the key to living a life worthwhile. I began to see what real living actually is, and for the first time, began to learn how to stop this yearning experience – because looking for fulfillment is after all a desire – I began to see what life could be like without desire…it is beyond what one can imagine, having lived in a state of perpetual desire for so long.

And yet, learning to live this way is a process, there is all this work to be done to understand how my desires how, how I have created them, rationalized them, justified them – and so they don’t just disappear so easily. If I am not careful it is easy to fall back into old pattern and before I know it, my time is wasted and oopsie! There is this desire for fulfillment, back again.

So the key to stopping this desire to really live my days to their fullest. It is really as simple as that. Within this, I do have to be realistic about moving myself this way and to not overcompensate and become obsessively goal oriented, like possessed with the desire to make money and be successul and ‘live life to the fullest’ in that sense – no, that is a recipe for burnout. But I am able to make common sense decisions, in self honesty, to support myself – prioritizing what is necessary to be done, however not within the context of survival, or fear of loss as I am so used to doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of wanting/looking for fulfillment through not giving myself/life the value and recognition it deserves in prioritizing what actually is necessary to be done in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into overdrive through being driven in life by money and fear of loss, not realizing that this is compensation for not living and only fooling myself with the feeling/illusion that I am apparently living

I forgive myself that I have not acepted and allowed myself to give myself adequate support for my process and self expansion, not only throughout my day by taking care of daily responsibilities, but also ensuring that the proper amount of time is set aside for me to be able to support myself, investigate myself and do the necessary writing/work to expand myself

I commit myself to fulfill myself by living to my full potential, both through taking care of daily responsibilities, but also prioritizing in self honest common sense, what matters, what is relevant to my process and also giving myself the time and space necessary to support myself through writing and whatever other means necessary to support the physical and support myself to understand myself – standing-under and within myself as who I really am 

When and as I see myself going into overdrive as a heightened/excited state of mind were I am stimulated and having thoughts – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand how my energy I am experiencing is in fact a form of anxiety driven by fear of loss as the desire for money, and thus I see in the moment how my particular thoughts are specifically influenced/dictated by money and the drive to get money, and thus I no longer accept and allow myself to be driven by the desire for money as survival/fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 241: Real progress in a real process

Image

 

It is important in this process to not get ‘too’ comfortable, because after all, process is about making progress, but we have this tendency to want to look back on our progress, give ourselves a pat on the back, and then use that feeling to justify stagnation. It is important to push oneself to be proactive and not pretend as if ‘everything is OK’ – no matter how many ways there may be which we can justify that. Within such a point, we are only fooling ourselves and consequence always comes.

It is important to understand: that which we accept and allow ourselves to be and do, is that which we accept and allow others to be and do – we are giving that permission simultaneously. That which we allow others to be and do is always then a reflection of what we accept and allow of ourselves. This is being show to us in our world, everyday, we just choose not to see it, and even if we are currently unable to see it, we tend to choose to never find out.

So it is important that this process equates to progress: real change, not just making our lives better for a moment as the quick fix we are so used to employ. It is important to make sure one’s application in process is really dealing with the pertinent points that require attention and real solutions, that it is self-directed. How much of our daily lives are actually self directed, and how much of it is just us doing the stuff we are accustomed to normally doing, or just doing/focusing on the things we like doing that make us feel nice – that is not self direction, that is dependency and influence.

The problem with getting out of this and getting real about self change is that it is something we have never actually done before, it feels alien, if you could even give it a feeling-name, I mean it is beyond feeling alien – we just don’t know until we do it. It seems impossible for this reason.

But did you know, that you can be the best support that you could ever get for yourself? Did you know, that it is really not so scary to let go of the dependency of other people and things to validate/recognize you? That it is not really so bad to let go of the idea that you need others to love you and give you attention to fulfill you? Not only is it not so bad – it is a relief. A relief from chasing after something that you can never get, and that never completely satisfies you anyway. Did you know that there is a point of fulfillment that is far beyond what we have ever defined as fulfillment? It is yourself – but only through self honesty and facing that which we have become and are currently living, can we move beyond it into a new existence where no fear and desire as personal weakness can ever exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be absolute in self direction due to the fear of loss that manifest itself as thought, each and every single time that I am facing the opportunity to apply myself and support myself

I commit myself to direct myself and work to ensure that I am taking on points in my process effectively and that this is my main priority, to ensure that actual progress is being made, and that I am not falling into the trapping of creating a pattern of actions that don’t equate to real self change, so that ever day truly is a new day, and every breath truly is well spent, and I am in fact becoming a better person  

Day 233: Guilt, shame, regret

Image

 

Today I was listening to an interview, it was a life review from Eqafe.com, and the point of regret and guilt came up. The person mentioned the degree of guilt and regret they experienced for having placed their own self interest above the life of another. It prompted me to realize that the point of guilt and regret exist in me for who I have been in this life. There are these small moments where a memory comes up in my life where I see some mistakes I have made, and the moment is very brief, but the intensity of shame, guilt and regret that I experience is massive, deep-seeded and really not a cool experience. It would be interesting to see to what degree this guilt and regret are influencing the person I am today, because as long as I hold onto any memories of guilt and regret they will influence who I am. Specifically, how are these points contributing to an overall desire to be a good person and help people? Would the appeal of being a ‘good and noble person’ be so much if these points existed within me? Without understanding exactly how it works yet, this is my understanding of the point so far: the greater degree to which being a good person and ‘doing what is right’ is a mental experience where I get a good, positive feeling out of it, the greater the degree to which I am driven to be a good person and do the right thing by my regret and guilt. I mean, there should be no kind of excitement or ‘patting yourself on the back’ for doing the right thing, for being a good person – that would be overcompensating. And so I have to be weary of this tendency to overcompensate because of the things I have allowed in the past, and this is what I am doing self forgiveness on today.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to betray others by placing my own motives, desires and fears above them, and having no integrity/loyalty towards life/as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abandon those around me, family, friends and otherwise, in the name of my self interest and that I have allowed myself to neglect life, just as I had been abandoned and neglected in the name of self interest, for which I became angry and resentful, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within such anger and resentment, copy the same behavior and become equally spiteful towards others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to prioritize taking care of life and ensuring that all are well taken care of, above my own self interest

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to include others in the decision making process of what would be best in life – that I have only made decisions that are best which consider me and how I will always come out on top

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a role of responsibility within my family and social life that is devoid of authority, and purely insisting on that which is best for all – so that I can ensure that I have taken full responsibility and considered others and given others a chance, before I give up on others or abandon others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to act nice to others, because in the past I was not nice and defined myself as not nice because I felt guilty that I was not nice, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act as if I am interested in people and care about them, because in the past I was not interested and did not care and felt guilty about this and defined myself based on this experience

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed guilt and regret to exist within me and to allow it to influence who I am to be as some noble idea of myself which I project

 

I commit myself to give up the pattern of acting nice, pretending I care and chasing high ideals/presenting myself as living by high ideals, through stopping the tendency to want to act on the guilt and regret I harbor from past mistakes

Day 230: Correcting myself within a relationship

https://i0.wp.com/desteniiprocess.com/assets/relationships_course/agreement-2d84b4f79d7dc12cf2d69696afb0f037.jpg

The following is an excerpt from my journal:

How do we change our relationship from a dependency to a support? If we do not do this, we will be damned.

I mean, do either of us want this experience of loneliness anymore? No. do either of us want this experience of not trusting each other anymore? No. I am not advocating a break up – I am advocating that we stick together and support each other in our own processes. We must not have secrets both with ourselves and with each other – and starting with ourselves first is what is important. I cannot ‘demand’ anything from her if she does not even understand what I mean, so certainly I have to make sure she understands where I am coming from and how this all works before I can even propose this, I mean she has to see the importance of this for herself in any case – as do I.

So it is important to not focus on her alone, and yet to not neglect the relationship and focus on myself alone – this will have to be done together, equal and one. We need to get to the bottom of why we are really in this relationship. To have a relationship where we actually grow and make each other stronger, we are going to have to ensure that there is trust and that trust is real. We have to ensure that it is about making each other stronger and not weaker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to have a successful relationship based on past experiences/memories – not taking into consideration that this belief is based on a past belief of what relationships are and who I must be within a relationship, because yes, within such assumptions a successful relationship is impossible – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see what is possible in a relationship when my starting point for a relationship is no longer self-interest/sex/greed, meaning to exist within the relationship without any desires or ulterior motives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my relationship and to exist within/have a relationship from the starting point of fear of loss as fear of not surviving: meaning to design a relationship purely from the starting point of trying to survive and make it in this world, to have financial and moral support and ‘someone in my corner’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’ in my relationships, meaning that I have not allowed myself to simply enjoy another when it is practical to do so, without any desire or dependency, so that we may unconditionally enjoy each other and allow ourselves to support each other to grow and be stronger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I fear about others is in fact that which I fear about myself – thus not realizing that it is important to take ALL points of fear back to self and support self to see how self is living such points and work effectively to stop it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become negative and paranoid within and as my own mind about other people apparently being bad or doing bad things, not realizing that I am projecting myself as past experiences and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to want to ‘jump the gun’ and end the relationship with the person or cut them out of my life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I stick to my process and continue to push myself to walk through tough points and change habits, creating myself anew: that there is nothing to fear in others as the actual fear of myself projected as I am in fact doing what I am able to as what is necessary to sort out myself and my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all relationships are a reflection and extension of myself and thus what really matters within all relationships is who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within my own life and thus from this perspective, it is impossible to try and control or influence others even if my intentions are best, and that the desire to control is only existent when I am not effectively self directive – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to in any way control my relationship or my partner or influence them or have them see things my way

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my relationship/believing that a successful relationship is impossible – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this kind of thinking/feeling is a resonant experience based on past memories of who I was and what I was attempting to create in relationships from a starting point of self-interest – and I do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts/feelings/emotions and simply remain here within/as breath

When and as I see myself fearing loss within my relationship/the experience of myself within a relationship – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear of loss is engrained through past experiences/memories and that I can only fear loss if I am lost and am not directing myself effectively and thus I stop the tendency to go looking outside of myself for solutions and simply face myself here in the moment, and work with who I am to ensure that I can never be lost and thus my relationships will not be lost along with myself – I work with what is here as me/who I am within relationships and stop the tendency/desire to go into the mind looking for solutions

I commit myself to stop making/basing decisions on what will best for the survival of the relationship within the starting point of living for my own survival, and to rather make decisions that are best for all to ensure that the relationship support us individually to be the best individuals that we can be so that we may give back to life

I commit myself to stop all fears of others and always bring the point of fearing something back to self so that I may correct the point within myself and effectively assist/support others within the same point

I commit myself to stop all paranoia and fear of others/fear of loss within my relationships and to simply unconditionally live and give as I see, realize and understand that if I stand/give unconditionally, then the outcome of all my relationships will inevitably be what is best for all life, no matter how that outcome comes about or how long it takes – I commit myself to trust myself in standing by the principles of equality and what is best for all life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective applications such as writing and breathing

I commit myself to work on myself daily in self writing and self corrective application to ensure that I will be the best that I can be and thus all my relationships will be the best they can be within the understanding that to bring about a change in others, I must stand alone and with resolve to support others in realizing themselves and standing up as well